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AROUND  THE  WORLD 


WITH 


JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 


BY 


MARIETTA    HOLLEY 


AUTHOR  OF  "  SAMANTHA  AT  THE  ST.  Louis  EXPOSITION,"  "  MY  OPINION  AND  BETSEY  BOBBBTS" 
"  SAMANTHA  AT  SARATOGA,"  "SAMANTHA  AT  THK  WORLD'S  FAIR,"  ETC. 


ILLUSTRATIONS   BY 
H.    M.    PETTIT 


G.  W.    DILLINGHAM    COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS  NEW   YORK 


Copyright,  1899,  1900  and  1905,  by 

MARIETTA  HOLLEY. 

Entered  at  Stationers'  Hall, 

London,  England. 


(Issued  September, 


Around  the  World  with 
Josiah  Allen's  Wife. 


J.  J.  Little  &  Ives  Co. 
New  York 


GROUND     THE     WORLD    WITH 
JOSIAH  ALLEN'S   WIFE 


CHAPTER   I 

UR  son,  Thomas  Jefferson,  and  his  wife,  Mag 
gie,  have  been  wadin'  through  a  sea  of  trouble. 
He  down  with  inflamatory  rumatiz  so  a  move 
or  jar  of  any  kind,  a  fly  walkin'  over  the  bed 
clothes,  would  most  drive  him  crazy;  and  she 
with  nervious  prostration,  brought  on  I  spoze  by  nussin'  her 
pardner  and  her  youngest  boy,  Thomas  Josiah  (called  Tom 
my),  through  the  measles,  that  had  left  him  that  spindlin' 
and  weak-lunged  that  the  doctor  said  the  only  thing  that 
could  tone  up  his  system  and  heal  his  lungs  and  save  his 
life  would  be  a  long  sea  voyage.  He  had  got  to  be  got 
away  from  the  cold  fall  blasts  of  Jonesvilje  to  once.  Oh ! 
how  I  felt  when  I  heard  that  ultimatum  and  realized  his 
danger,  for  Tommy  wuz  one  of  my  favorites.  Grandpar 
ents  ort  not  to  have  favorites,  but  I  spoze  they  will  as  long 
as  the  world  turns  on  its  old  axletrys. 

He  looks  as  Thomas  J.  did  when  he  wuz  his  age  and 
I  married  his  pa  and  took  the  child  to  my  heart,  and  got 
his  image  printed  there  so  it  won't  never  rub  off  through 
time  or  eternity.  Tommy  is  like  his  pa  and  he  hain't  like 
him;  he  has  his  pa's  old  ways  of  truthfulness  and  honesty, 
and  deep — why  good  land !  there  hain't  no  tellin'  how  deep 
that  child  is.  He  has  got  big  gray-blue  eyes,  with  long  dark 
lashes  that  kinder  veil  his  eyes  when  he's  thinkin';  his  hair 


£„ 


10       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

is  kinder  dark,  too,  about  the  color  his  pa's  wuz,  and  waves 
and  crinkles  some,  and  in  the  crinkles  it  seems  as  if  there 
wuz  some  gold  wove  into  the  brown.  He  has  got  a  sweet 
mouth,  and  one  that  knows  how  to  stay  shet  too;  he  hain't 
much  of  a  talker,  only  to  himself ;  he'll  set  and  play  and  talk 
to  himself  for  hours  and  hours,  and  though  he's  affectionate, 
he's  a  independent  child;  if  he  wants  to  know  anything  the 
worst  kind  he  will  set  and  wonder  about  it  (he  calls  it  won- 
ner).  He  will  say  to  himself,  "  I  wonner  what  that  means." 
And  sometimes  he  will  talk  to  Carabi  about  it — that  is  a 
child  of  his  imagination,  a  invisible  playmate  he  has  always 
had  playin'  with  him,  talkin'  to  him,  and  I  spoze  imaginin' 
that  Carabi  replies.  I  have  asked  him  sometimes,  "  Who 
is  Carabi,  I  hearn  you  talkin'  to  out  in  the  yard?  Where 
duz  he  come  from !  How  duz  he  look  ?  " 

He  always  acts  shy  about  tellin',  but  if  pressed  hard  he 
will  say,  "  He  looks  like  Carabi,  and  he  comes  from  right 
here,"  kinder  sweepin'  his  arms  round.  But  he  talks  with 
him  by  the  hour,  and  I  declare  it  has  made  me  feel  fairly 
pokerish  to  hear  him.  But  knowin'  what  strange  av- 
enoos  open  on  every  side  into  the  mysterious  atmosphere 
about  us,  the  strange  ether  world  that  bounds  us  on  every 
pint  of  the  compass,  and  not  knowin'  exactly  what  natives 
walk  them  avenoos,  I  hain't  dasted  to  poke  too  much  fun 
at  him,  and  'tennyrate  I  spozed  if  Tommy  went  a  long  sea- 
voyage  Carabi  would  have  to  go  too.  But  who  wuz  goin' 
with  Tommy?  Thomas  J.  had  got  independent  rich,  and 
Maggie  has  come  into  a  large  property;  they  had  means 
enough,  but  who  wuz  to  go  with  him?  I  felt  the  mantilly 
of  responsibility  fallin'  on  me  before  it  fell,  and  I  groaned  in 
sperit — could  I,  could  I  agin  tempt  the  weariness  and  dan 
ger  of  a  long  trip  abroad,  and  alone  at  that?  For  I  tackled 
Josiah  on  the  subject  before  Thomas  J.  importuned  me,  only 
with  his  eyes,  sad  and  beseechin'  and  eloquent.  And  Josiah 
planted  himself  firm  as  a  rock  on  his  refusal. 

Never,  never  would  he  stir  one  step  on  a  long  sea-voyage, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       11 

no  indeed !  he  had  had  enough  of  water  to  last  him  through 
his  life,  he  never  should  set  foot  on  any  water  deeper  than 
the  creek,  and  that  wuzn't  over  his  pumps.  "  But  I  cannot 
see  the  child  die  before  my  eyes,  Josiah,  and  feel  that  I 
might  have  saved  him,  and  yet  am  I  to  part  with  the  pardner 
of  my  youth  and  middle  age?  Am  I  to  leave  you,  Josiah?  " 

"  I  know  not !  "  sez  he  wildly,  "  only  I  know  that  I  don't 
set  my  foot  on  any  ship,  or  any  furren  shore  agin.  When 
I  sung  '  hum  agin  from  a  furren  shore '  I  meant  hum  agin 
for  good  and  all,  and  here  I  stay." 

"Oh  dear  me!"  I  sithed,  "why  is  it  that  the  apron 
strings  of  Duty  are  so  often  made  of  black  crape,  but  yet  I 
must  cling  to  'em?  " 

"  Well,"  sez  Josiah,  "  what  clingin'  I  do  will  be  to  hum ; 
I  don't  go  dressed  up  agin  for  months,  and  hang  round 
tarvens  and  deepos,  and  I  couldn't  leave  the  farm  anyway." 

But  his  mean  wuz  wild  and  haggard;  that  man  worships 
me.  But  dear  little  Tommy  wuz  pinin'  away;  he  must  go, 
and  to  nobody  but  his  devoted  grandma  would  they  trust 
him,  and  I  knew  that  Philury  and  Ury  could  move  right  in 
and  take  care  of  everything,  and  at  last  I  sez :  "  I  will  try 
to  go,  Thomas  J.,  I  will  try  to  go  'way  off  alone  with  Tommy 

and  leave  your  pa ."  But  here  my  voice  choked  up  and 

I  hurried  out  to  give  vent  to  some  tears  and  groans  that  I 
wouldn't  harrow  Thomas  J.  with.  But  strange,  strange  are 
the  workin's  of  Providence!  wonderful  are  the  ways  them 
apron  strings  of  Duty  will  be  padded  and  embroidered, 
strange  to  the  world's  people,  but  not  to  them  that  con 
sider  the  wonderful  material  they  are  made  of,  and  how 
they  float  out  from  that  vast  atmosphere  jest  spoke  on,  that 
lays  all  round  us  full  of  riches  and  glory  and  power,  and 
beautiful  surprises  for  them  that  cling  to  'em  whether  or  no. 
Right  at  this  time,  as  if  our  sharp  distress  had  tapped  the 
universe  and  it  run  comfort,  two  relations  of  Maggie's,  on 
their  way  home  from  Paris  to  San  Francisco,  stopped  to  see 
their  relations  in  Jonesville  on  their  own  sides. 


12       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Dorothy  Snow,  Maggie's  cousin,  wuz  a  sweet  young  girl, 
the  only  child  of  Adonirum  Snow,  who  left  Jonesville  poor 
as  a  rat,  went  to  Californy  and  died  independent  rich.  She 
wuz  jest  out  of  school,  had  been  to  Paris  for  a  few  months 
to  take  special  studies  in  music  and  languages;  a  relation 
on  her  ma's  side,  a  kind  of  gardeen,  travelin'  with  her. 
Albina  Meechim  wuz  a  maiden  lady  from  choice,  so  she  said 
and  I  d'no  as  I  doubted  it  when  I  got  acquainted  with  her, 
for  she  did  seem  to  have  a  chronic  dislike  to  man,  and  havin' 
passed  danger  herself  her  whole  mind  wuz  sot  on  preventin' 
Dorothy  from  marryin'. 

They  come  to  Maggie's  with  a  pretty,  good  natured 
French  maid,  not  knowin'  of  the  sickness  there,  and  Maggie 
wouldn't  let  'em  go,  as  they  wuz  only  goin'  to  stay  a  few 
days.  They  wuz  hurryin'  home  to  San  Francisco  on  ac 
count  of  some  bizness  that  demanded  Dorothy's  presence 
there.  But  they  wuz  only  goin'  to  stop  there  a  few  days, 
and  then  goin'  to  start  off  on  another  long  sea-voyage  clear 
to  China,  stoppin'  at  Hawaii  on  the  way.  Warm  climate ! 
good  for  measles!  My  heart  sunk  as  I  hearn  'em  tell  on't. 
Here  wuz  my  opportunity  to  have  company  for  the  long 
sea-voyage.  But  could  I — could  I  take  it?  Thomas  Jeffer 
son  gently  approached  the  subject  ag'in.  Sez  he,  "  Mother, 
mebby  Tommy's  life  depends  on  it,  and  here  is  good  com 
pany  from  your  door."  I  murmured  sunthin'  about  the  ex 
penses  of  such  a  trip. 

Sez  he,  "  That  last  case  I  had  will  more  than  pay  all  ex 
penses  for  you  and  Tommy,  and  father  if  he  will  go,  and," 
sez  he,  "  if  I  can  save  my  boy — "  and  his  voice  trembled 
and  he  stopped. 

"  But,"  I  sez,  "  your  father  is  able  to  pay  for  any  trip 
we  want  to  take."  And  he  says,  "  He  won't  pay  a  cent  for 
this."  And  there  it  wuz,  the  way  made  clear,  good  com 
pany  provided  from  the  doorstep.  Dorothy  slipped  her  soft 
little  white  hand  in  mine  and  sez,  "  Do  go.  Aunt  Samantha. 
May  I  call  you  Auntie?"  sez  she,  as  she  lifted  her  sweet 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       13 

voylet  eyes  to  mine.  She's  as  pretty  as  a  pink — white  com 
plected,  with  wavy,  golden  hair  and  sweet,  rosy  lips  and 
cheeks. 

And  I  sez,  "  Yes,  you  dear  little  creater,  you  may  call 
me  aunt  in  welcome,  and  we  be  related  in  a  way,"  sez  I. 

Sez  Miss  Meechim,  "  We  shall  consider  it  a  great  boon 
if  you  go  with  us.  And  dear  little  Tommy,  it  will  add 
greatly  to  the  pleasure  of  our  trip.  We  only  expected  to 
have  three  in  our  company." 

"Who  is  the  third?"  sez  I. 

"  My  nephew,  Robert  Strong.  He  has  been  abroad  with 
us,  but  had  to  go  directly  home  to  San  Francisco  to  attend 
to  his  business  before  he  could  go  on  this  long  trip;  he  will 
join  us  there.  We  expect  to  go  to  Hawaii  and  the  Philip 
pines,  and  Japan  and  China,  and  perhaps  Egypt." 

"  And  that  will  be  just  what  you  will  enjoy,  mother," 
sez  Thomas  J. 

Sez  I,  in  a  strange  axent,  "  I  never  laid  plans  for  going 
to  China,  but,"  sez  I,  "  I  do  feel  that  I  would  love  to  see 
the  Empress,  Si  Ann.  There  is  sunthin'  that  the  widder 
Heinfong  ort  to  know." 

Thomas  J.  asked  me  what  it  wuz,  but  I  gently  declined 
to  answer,  merely  sayin'  that  it  was  a  matter  of  duty,  and 
so  I  told  Miss  Meechim  when  she  asked  about  it.  She  is 
so  big  feelin'  that  it  raised  me  up  considerable  to  think  that 
I  had  business  with  a  Empress.  But  I  answered  her  evasive, 
and  agin  I  giv  vent  to  a  low  groan,  and  sez  to  myself,  "  Can 
I  let  the  Pacific  Ocean  roll  between  me  and  Josiah?  Will 
Duty's  apron  string  hold  up  under  the  strain,  or  will  it 
break  with  me?  Will  it  stretch  out  clear  to  China?  And 
oh !  will  my  heart  strings  that  are  wrapped  completely  round 
that  man,  will  they  stretch  out  the  enormous  length  they 
will  have  to  and  still  keep  hull?"  I  knew  not.  I  wuz  a 
prey  to  overwhelmin'  emotions,  even  as  I  did  up  my  best 
night-gowns  and  sheepshead  night-caps  and  sewed  clean  lace 
in  the  neck  and  sleeves  of  my  parmetty  and  gray  alpaca  and 


14       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

got  down  my  hair  trunk,  for  I  knew  that  I  must  hang  onto 
that  apron  string  no  matter  where  it  carried  me  to.  Wait- 
still  Webb  come  and  made  up  some  things  I  must  have,  and 
as  preparations  went  on  my  pardner's  face  grew  haggard 
and  wan  from  day  to  day,  and  he  acted  as  if  he  knew  not 
what  he  wuz  doin'.  Why,  the  day  I  got  down  my  trunk  I 
see  him  start  for  the  barn  with  the  accordeon  in  a  pan.  He 
sot  out  to  get  milk  for  the  calf.  He  was  nearly  wild. 

He  hadn't  been  so  good  to  me  in  over  four  years.  Truly, 
a  threatened  absence  of  female  pardners  is  some  like  a  big 
mustard  poultice  applied  to  the  manly  breast  drawin'  out 
the  concealed  stores  of  tenderness  and  devotion  that  we 
know  are  there  all  the  time,  but  sometimes  kep'  hid  for 
years  and  years. 

He  urged  me  to  eat  more  than  wuz  good  for  me — rich 
stuff  that  I  never  did  eat — and  bought  me  candy,  which  I 
sarahuptishly  fed  to  the  pup.  And  he  follered  me  round 
with  footstools,  and  het  the  soap  stun  hotter  than  wuz  good 
for  my  feet,  and  urged  me  to  keep  out  of  drafts. 

And  one  day  he  sez  to  me  with  a  anxious  face : 

"  If  you  do  go,  Samanthy,  I  wouldn't  write  about  your 
trip — I  am  afraid  it  will  be  too  much  for  you — I  am  afraid 
it  will  tire  your  head  too  much.  I  know  it  would  mine." 

And  then  I  say  to  him  in  a  tender  axent,  for  his  devo 
tion  truly  touched  me: 

"  There  is  a  difference  in  heads,  Josiah." 

But  he  looked  so  worried  that  I  most  promised  him  I 
wouldn't  try  to  write  about  the  trip — oh!  how  that  man 
loves  me,  and  I  him  visey  versey.  And  so  the  days  passed, 
little  Tommy  pale  and  pimpin',  Thomas  J.  lookin'  more 
cheerful  as  he  thought  his  ma  wuzn't  goin'  to  fail  him,  Mag 
gie  tryin'  to  keep  up  and  tend  to  havin'  Tommy's  clothes 
fixed;  she  hated  to  have  him  go,  and  wanted  him  to  go.  She 
and  Thomas  J.  wuz  clingin'  to  that  string,  black  as  a  coal, 
and  hash  feelin'  to  our  fingers.  Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy 
wuz  as  happy  as  could  be.  Miss  Meechim  wuz  tall  and  slim 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       15 

and  very  genteel,  and  sandy  complected,  and  she  confided 
her  rulin'  passion  to  me  the  first  time  I  see  her  for  any 
length  of  time. 

"  I  want  Dorothy  to  be  a  bachelor  maid,"  sez  she.  "  I 
am  determined  that  she  shall  not  marry  anyone.  And  you 
don't  know,"  sez  she  fervently,  "  what  a  help  my  nephew, 
Robert  Strong,  has  been  to  me  in  protectin'  Dorothy  from 
lovers.  I  am  so  thankful  he  is  going  with  us  on  this  long 
trip.  He  is  good  as  gold  and  very  rich;  but  he  has  wrong 
ideas  about  his  wealth.  He  says  that  he  only  holds  it  in 
trust,  and  he  has  built  round  his  big  manufactory,  just  out 
side  of  San  Francisco,  what  he  calls  a  City  of  Justice,  where 
his  workmen  are  as  well  cared  for  and  happy  as  he  is.  That 
is  very  wrong,  I  have  told  him  repeatedly.  It  is  breaking 
down  the  Scriptures,  which  teaches  the  poor  their  duty  to 
the  rich,  and  gently  admonishes  the  rich  to  look  down  upon 
and  guide  the  poor.  How  can  the  Scriptures  be  fulfilled  if 
the  rich  lift  up  the  poor  and  make  them  wealthy?  I  trust 
that  Robert  will  see  his  mistake  in  time,  before  he  makes 
all  his  workmen  wealthy.  But,  oh,  he  is  such  a  help  to  me 
in  protecting  Dorothy  from  lovers." 

"  How  duz  he  protect  her?  "  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  he  has  such  tact.  He  knows  just  how  opposed  I 
am  to  matrimony  in  the  abstract  and  concrete,  and  he  has 
managed  gently  but  firmly  to  lead  Dorothy  away  from  the 
dangers  about  her.  Now,  he  don't  care  for  dancing  at  all; 
but  there  was  a  young  man  at  home  who  wuz  just  winning 
her  heart  completely  with  his  dexterity  with  his  heels,  as 
you  may  say.  He  was  the  most  graceful  dancer  and  Dorothy 
dotes  on  dancing.  I  told  my  trouble  to  Robert,  and  what 
should  that  boy  do  but  make  a  perfect  martyr  of  himself, 
and  after  a  few  lessons  danced  so  much  better  that  Dorothy 
wuz  turned  from  her  fancy.  And  one  of  her  suitors  had 
such  a  melodious  voice,  he  wuz  fairly  singin'  his  way  into 
her  heart,  and  I  confided  my  fears  to  Robert,  and  he  imme 
diately  responded,  dear  boy.  He  just  practised  self-denial 


16       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

again,  and  commenced  singing  with  her  himself,  and  his 
sweet,  clear  tenor  voice  entirely  drowned  out  the  deep  basso 
I  had  feared.  Of  course,  Robert  did  it  to  please  me  and 
from  principle.  I  taught  him  early  self-denial  and  the  pleas 
ures  of  martyrdom.  Of  course,  I  never  expected  he  would 
carry  my  teachings  to  such  an  extent  as  he  has  in  his  busi 
ness  life.  I  did  not  mean  it  to  extend  to  worldly  matters; 
I  meant  it  to  be  more  what  the  Bible  calls  '  the  workings  of 
the  spirit.'  But  he  will  doubtless  feel  different  as  he  gets 
older.  And,  oh,  he  is  such  a  help  to  me  with  Dorothy. 
Now,  on  this  trip  he  knows  my  fears,  and  how  sedulously 
I  have  guarded  Dorothy  from  the  tender  passion,  and  it  wuz 
just  like  him  to  put  his  own  desires  in  the  background  and 
go  with  us  to  help  protect  her." 

"  How  did  you  git  such  dretful  fears  of  marriage  ?  "  sez 
I.  "  Men  are  tryin'  lots  of  times,  and  it  takes  considerable 
religion  to  git  along  with  one  without  jawin'  more  or  less. 
But,  after  all,  I  d'no  what  I  should  do  without  my  pardner — 
I  think  the  world  on  him,  and  have  loved  to  think  I  could 
put  out  my  hand  any  time  and  be  stayed  and  comforted  by 
his  presence.  I  should  feel  dretful  lost  and  wobblin'  with 
out  him,"  sez  I,  with  a  deep  sithe,  "  though  I  well  know  his 
sect's  shortcomin's.  But  I  never  felt  towards  'em  as  you  do, 
even  in  my  most  maddest  times,  when  Josiah  had  been  the 
tryinest  and  most  provokinest." 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  "  my  father  spent  all  my  mother's 
money  on  horse-racin',  save  a  few  thousand  which  he  had 
invested  for  her,  and  she  felt  wuz  safe,  but  he  took  that  to 
run  away  with  a  bally  girl,  and  squandered  it  all  on  her  and 
died  on  the  town.  My  eldest  sister's  husband  beat  her  with 
a  poker,  and  throwed  her  out  of  a  three-story  front  in  San 
Francisco,  and  she  landin'  on  a  syringea  tree  wuz  saved  to 
git  a  divorce  from  him  and  also  from  her  second  and  third 
husbands  for  cruelty,  after  which  she  gave  up  matrimony 
and  opened  a  boarding-house,  bitter  in  spirit,  but  a  good 
calculator.  I  lived  with  her  when  a  young  girl,  and  imbibed 


her  dislike  for  matrimony,  which  wuz  helped  further  by  sad 
experiences  of  my  own,  which  is  needless  to  particularize. 
(I  hearn  afterwards  that  she  had  three  disappointments  run- 
nin',  bein'  humbly  and  poor  in  purse.) 

"  And  now,"  sez  she,  "  I  am  as  well  grounded  against 
matrimony  as  any  woman  can  be,  and  my  whole  energies 
are  aimed  on  teaching  Dorothy  the  same  belief  I  hold." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  your  folks  have  suffered  dretful  from 
men  and  I  don't  wonder  you  feel  as  you  do.  But  what  I 
am  a  goin'  to  do  to  be  separated  from  my  husband  durin' 
this  voyage  is  more  than  I  can  tell."  And  I  groaned  a  deep 
holler  groan. 

"  Why,  I  haven't  told  you  half,"  sez  she.  "  All  of  my 
sisters  but  one  had  trouble  with  their  husbands.  Robert's 
step-ma  wuz  the  only  one  who  had  a  good  husband,  but  he 
died  before  they'd  been  married  a  year,  and  she  follered  him 
in  six  months,  leaving  twins,  who  died  also,  and  I  took 
Robert,  to  whom  I  had  got  attached,  to  the  boarding-house, 
and  took  care  on  him  until  he  wuz  sent  away  to  school  and 
college.  His  pa  left  plenty  of  money,"  sez  she,  "  and  a  big 
fortune  when  he  came  of  age,  which  he  has  spent  in  the 
foolish  way  I  have  told  you  of,  or  a  great  part  of  it." 

Well,  at  this  juncture  we  wuz  interrupted,  and  didn't  re- 
soom  the  conversation  until  some  days  afterwards,  though  I 
wuz  dretful  interested  in  the  big  manufactory  of  Robert 
Strong's,  that  big  co-working  scheme.  (I  had  hearn  Thomas 
J.  commend  it  warmly.) 

At  last  the  day  come  for  me  to  start.  I  waked  up  feelin' 
a  strange  weight  on  my  heart.  I  had  dremp  Philury  had 
sot  the  soap  stun  on  my  chest.  But  no  soap  stun  wuz  ever 
so  hard  and  heavy  as  my  grief.  Josiah  and  I  wuz  to  be 
parted!  Could  it  be  so?  Could  I  live  through  it?  He  wuz 
out  in  the  wood-house  kitchen  pretendin'  to  file  a  saw.  File 
a  saw  before  breakfast!  He  took  that  gratin'  job  to  hide  his 
groans;  he  wuz  weepin';  his  red  eyes  betrayed  him.  Philury 
got  a  good  breakfast  which  we  couldn't  eat.  My  trunk  wuz 
2 


18       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

packed  and  in  the  democrat.  The  neighborin'  wimmen 
brung  me  warm  good-byes  and  bokays  offen  their  house 
plants,  and  sister  Sypher  sent  me  some  woosted  flowers, 
which  I  left  to  home,  and  some  caraway  seed  to  nibble  on 
my  tower  which  I  took. 

She  that  wuz  Arvilly  Lanfeare  brought  me  a  bottle  of 
bam  made  out  of  the  bark  of  the  bam  of  Gilead  tree,  to  use 
in  case  I  should  get  bruised  or  smashed  on  the  train,  and 
also  two  pig's  bladders  blowed  up,  which  she  wanted  me  to 
wear  constant  on  the  water  to  help  me  float.  She  had 
painted  on  one  of  'em  the  Jonesville  meetin'-house,  thinkin', 
I  spoze,  the  steeple  might  bring  lofty  thoughts  to  me  in 
hurrycains  or  cyclones.  And  on  the  other  one  she  had 
painted  in  big  letters  the  title  of  the  book  she  is  agent  for — 
"  The  Twin  Crimes  of  America :  Intemperance  and  Greed !  " 
I  thought  it  wuz  real  cunning  in  Arvilly  to  combine  so  beau 
tifully  kindness  and  business.  There  is  so  much  in  adver 
tising.  They  looked  real  well,  but  I  didn't  see  how  I  wuz 
goin'  to  wear  'em  over  my  bask  waist.  Arvilly  said  she 
wanted  to  go  with  me  the  worst  kind.  Says  she: 

"I  hain't  felt  so  much  like  goin'  anywhere  sense  I  de 
serted."  (Arvilly  did  enlist  in  the  Cuban  army,  and  de 
serted,  and  they  couldn't  touch  her  for  it — of  which  more 
anon.) 

And  I  sez  to  her:  "  I  wish  you  could  go,  Arvilly;  I  be 
lieve  it  would  do  you  good  after  what  you  have  went 
through." 

Well,  the  last  minute  come  and  Ury  took  us  to  the  train. 
Josiah  went  with  me,  but  he  couldn't  have  driv  no  more 
than  a  mournin'  weed  could. 

I  parted  with  the  children,  and — oh!  it  wuz  a  hard 
wrench  on  my  heart  to  part  with  Thomas  J. ;  took  pale  lit 
tle  Tommy  in  my  arms,  like  pullin'  out  his  pa's  heart-strings 
— and  his  ma's,  too — and  at  last  the  deepo  wuz  reached. 

As  we  went  in  we  see  old  Miss  Burpy  from  'way  back  of 
Loontown.  She  wuz  never  on  the  cars  before,  or  see  'em, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       19 

but  she  wuz  sent  for  by  her  oldest  boy  who  lives  in  the  city. 

She  was  settin'  in  a  big  rocken'-chair  rocken  voyolently, 
and  as  I  went  past  her  she  says: 

"  Have  we  got  to  New  York  yet?  " 

"  Why,"  sez  I,  "  we  haint  started." 

She  sez,  "  I  thought  I  wuz  in  the  convenience  now  a-trav- 
ellin'." 

"  Oh,  no,"  I  sez,  "  the  conveyance  haint  come  yet,  you 
will  heer  it  screechin'  along  pretty  soon." 

Anon  we  hearn  the  train  thunderin'  towards  us.  I  parted 
with  Tirzah  Ann  and  Whitfield,  havin'  shook  hands  with 
Ury  before;  and  all  others  being  parted  from,  I  had  to, 
yes,  I  had  to,  bid  my  beloved  pardner  adoo.  And  with  a 
almost  breakin'  heart  clum  into  the  car,  Miss  Meechim  and 
Dorothy  and  Aronette  having  preceeded  me  before  hand. 
Yes,  I  left  my  own  Josiah  behind  me,  with  his  bandanna 
pressed  to  his  eyes. 

Could  I  leave  him?  At  the  last  minute  I  leaned  out  of 
the  car  winder  and  sez  with  a  choken  voice : 

"  Josiah,  if  we  never  meet  again  on  Jonesville  sile,  re 
member  there  is  a  place  where  partin's  and  steam  engines 
are  no  more." 

His  face  wuz  covered  with  his  bandanna,  from  whence 
issued  deep  groans,  and  I  felt  I  must  be  calm  to  boy  him  up, 
and  I  sez: 

"  Be  sure,  Josiah,  to  keep  your  feet  dry,  take  your  cough 
medicine  reglar,  go  to  meetin'  stiddy,  keep  the  pumps  from 
freezin',  and  may  God  bless  you,"  sez  I. 

And  then  again  I  busted  into  tears.  The  hard-hearted 
engine  snorted  and  puffed,  and  we  wuz  off. 


CHAPTER   II 

S  the  snortin'  and  skornful  actin'  engine  tore 
my  body  away  from  Jonesville,  I  sot  nearly 
bathed  in  tears  for  some  time  till  I  wtiz 
aware  that  little  Tommy  wuz  weepin'  also, 
frightened  I  spoze  by  his  grandma's  grief, 
and  then  I  knew  it  wuz  my  duty  to  compose  myself,  and  I 
summoned  all  my  fortitude,  put  my  handkerchief  in  my 
pocket,  and  give  Tommy  a  cream  cookey,  which  calmed 
his  worst  agony.  I  then  recognized  and  passed  the  compli 
ments  of  the  day  with  Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy  and 
pretty  little  Aronette,  who  wuz  puttin'  away  our  wraps  and 
doin'  all  she  could  for  the  comfort  of  the  hull  of  us.  Seein' 
my  agitation,  she  took  Tommy  in  her  arms  and  told  him 
some  stories,  good  ones,  I  guess,  for  they  made  Tommy 
stop  cryin'  and  go  to  laughin',  specially  as  she  punctuated 
the  stories  with  some  chocolate  drops. 

Dorothy  looked  sweet  as  a  rose  and  wuz  as  sweet.  Miss 
Meechim  come  and  sot  down  by  me,  but  she  seemed  to  me 
like  afuriner;  I  wuz  dwellin'  in  a  fur  off  realm  Miss  Mee 
chim  had  never  stepped  her  foot  in,  the  realm  of  Wedded 
Love  and  Pardner  Reminiscences.  What  did  Miss  Meechim 
know  of  that  hallowed  clime?  What  did  she  know  of  the 
grief  that  wrung  my  heart?  Men  wuz  to  her  like  shadders; 
her  heart  spoke  another  language. 

Thinkin'  that  it  would  mebbe  git  my  mind  off  a  little 
from  my  idol,  I  asked  her  again  about  Robert  Strong's  City 
of  Justice ;  sez  I,  "  It  has  run  in  my  mind  considerable  since 
you  spoke  on't;  I  don't  think  I  ever  hearn  the  name  of  any 
place  I  liked  so  well,  City  of  Justice !  Why  the  name  fairly 


21 

takes  hold  of  my  heart-strings,"  sez  I ;  "  has  he  made  well 
by  his  big  manufactory?" 

"  Why,  yes,  fairly  well,"  sez  she,  "  but  he  has  strange 
ideas.  He  says  he  don't  want  to  coin  a  big  fortune  out  of 
other  men's  sweat  and  brains.  He  wants  to  march  on  with 
the  great  army  of  toilers,  and  not  be  carried  ahead  of  it  on 
a  down  bed.  He  says  he  wants  to  feel  that  he  is  wronging 
no  man  by  amassing  wealth  out  of  the  half-paid  labor  of 
their  best  years,  and  that  he  is  satisfied  with  an  equal  and 
reasonable  share  of  the  labor  and  capital  invested.  He  has 
the  best  of  men  in  his  employ  and  they  are  all  well  paid  and 
industrious;  all  well-to-do,  able  to  live  well,  educate  their 
children  well,  and  have  time  for  some  culture  and  recreation 
for  themselves  and  their  families.  I  told  him  that  his  ideas 
were  Utopian,  but  he  says  they  have  succeeded  even  better 
than  he  expected  they  would.  But  there  will  come  a  crash 
some  time,  I  am  s-ure.  There  must  be  rich  and  there  must 
be  poor  in  this  world,  or  the  Scriptures  will  not  be  fulfilled." 

Sez  I,  "  There  ain't  no  need  to  be  such  a  vast  army  of 
poverty  marching  on  to  the  almshouse  and  grave,  if  it  wuzn't 
for  the  dram-shop  temptin'  poor  human  nater,  and  the  greed 
of  the  world,  and  the  cowardice  and  indifference  of  the 
Church  of  Christ.  Enough  money  is  squandered  for  stuff 
that  degrades  and  destroys  to  feed  and  clothe  all  the  hungry 
and  naked  children  of  the  world." 

"  Oh,"  sez  Miss  Meechim,  "  I  don't  believe  all  this  talk 
and  clamor  about  prohibition.  My  people  all  drank  gen 
teelly,  and  though  of  course  it  was  drink  that  led  to  the 
agony  and  divorces  of  three  of  my  sisters,  and  my  father's 
first  downfall,  yet  I  have  always  considered  that  moderate 
drinking  was  genteel.  Our  family  physician  always  drank 
genteel,  and  our  clergyman  always  kept  it  in  his  wine  cellar, 
and  if  people  would  only  exert  self  control  and  drink  gen 
teel,  there  would  be  no  danger." 

"  How  duz  Robert  Strong  feel  about  it?  "  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  he  is  a  fanatic  on  the  subject;  he  won't  employ 


22       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

a  man  who  drinks  at  all.  He  says  that  the  city  he  is  found 
ing  is  a  City  of  Justice,  and  it  is  not  just  for  one  member 
of  a  family  to  do  anything  to  endanger  the  safety  and  hap 
piness  of  the  rest;  so  on  that  ground  alone  he  wouldn't 
brook  any  drinking  in  his  model  city.  There  are  no  very 
rich  ones  there,  and  absolutely  no  poor  ones;  he  is  com 
pletely  obliterating  the  barriers  that  always  have,  and  I  be 
lieve  always  should  exist  between  the  rich  and  the  poor. 
Sez  I,  '  Robert,  you  are  sacrilegiously  setting  aside  the 
Saviour's  words,  "  the  poor  ye  shall  always  have  with  you." 

"  And  he  said  there  was  another  verse  that  our  Lord 
incorporated  in  his  teachings  and  the  whole  of  his  life-work, 
that  he  was  trying  to  carry  out :  '  Do  unto  others  as  ye 
would  have  them  to  do  unto  you.'  He  said  that  love  and 
justice  was  the  foundation  and  cap-stone  of  our  Saviour's 
life  and  work  and  he  was  trying  in  his  weak  way  to  carry 
them  out  in  his  own  life  and  work.  Robert  talked  well," 
sez  she,  "  and  I  must  confess  that  to  the  outward  eye  his 
City  of  Justice  is  in  a  happy  and  flourishing  condition,  easy 
hours  of  work,  happy  faces  of  men,  women  and  children 
as  they  work  or  play  or  study.  It  looks  well,  but  as  I  always 
tell  him,  there  is  a  weak  spot  in  it  somewhere." 

"  What  duz  he  say  to  that  ?  "  sez  I,  dretful  interested  in 
the  story. 

"  Why,  he  says  the  only  weak  spot  in  it  is  his  own  in 
competence  and  inability  to  carry  out  the  Christ  idea  of 
love  and  justice  as  he  wants  to." 

"  I  wish  I  could  see  that  City  of  Justice,"  sez  I  dreamily, 
for  my  mind's  eye  seemed  to  look  up  to  Robert  Strong  in 
reverence  and  admiration.  "  Well,"  sez  she,  "  I  must  say 
that  it  is  a  beautiful  place;  it  is  founded  on  a  natural  terrace 
that  rises  up  from  a  broad,  beautiful,  green  plain,  flashing 
rivers  run  through  the  valley,  and  back  of  it  rises  the  moun 
tains." 

"  Like  as  the  mountains  are  about  Jerusalem,"  sez  I. 

"  Yes,  a  beautiful  clear  stream  rushes  down  the  moun- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       23 

tain  side  from  the  melting  snow  on  top,  but  warmed  by  the 
southern  sun,  as  it  flows  through  the  fertile  land,  it  is  warm 
and  sweet  as  it  reaches  Robert's  place.  And  Robert  says," 
continued  Miss  Meechim,  "  that  that  is  just  how  old  preju 
dices  and  injustices  will  melt  like  the  cold  snow  and  flow  in 
a  healing  stream  through  the  world.  He  talks  well,  Robert 
does.  And  oh,  what  a  help  he  has  been  to  me  with  Dor 
othy!" 

"What  duz  she  say  about  it?"  sez  I. 

"  She  does  not  say  so,  but  I  believe  she  thinks  as  I  do 
about  the  infeasibility  as  well  as  the  intrinsic  depravity  of 
disproving  the  Scriptures." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  Robert  was  right  about  the  mission  of 
our  Lord  being  to  extend  justice  and  mercy,  and  bring  the 
heart  of  the  world  into  sweetness,  light  and  love.  His  whole 
life  was  love,  self-sacrifice  and  devotion,  and  I  believe  that 
Robert  is  in  the  right  on't." 

"  Oh,  Robert  is  undoubtedly  following  his  ideas  of  right, 
but  they  clash  with  mine,"  sez  Miss  Meechim,  shakin'  her 
head  sadly,  "  and  I  think  he  will  see  his  error  in  time." 

Here  Miss  Meechim  stopped  abruptly  to  look  apprehen 
sively  at  a  young  man  that  I  knew  wuz  a  Jonesville  husband 
and  father  of  twins.  He  was  lookin'  admirin'ly  at  Dorothy, 
and  Miss  Meechim  went  and  sot  down  between  'em,  and 
Tommy  come  and  set  with  me  agin. 

Tommy  leaned  up  aginst  me  and  looked  out  of  the  car 
window  and  sez  kinder  low  to  himself: 

"  I  wonner  what  makes  the  smoke  roll  and  roll  up  so 
and  feather  out  the  sky,  and  I  wonner  what  my  papa  and 
my  mama  is  doin'  and  what  my  grandpa  will  do — they  will 
be  so  lonesome?  "  Oh,  how  his  innocent  words  pierced  my 
heart  anew,  and  he  begun  to  kinder  whimper  agin,  and 
Aronette,  good  little  creeter,  come  up  and  gin  him  an  orange 
out  of  the  lunch-basket  she  had. 

Well,  we  got  to  New  York  .that  evenin'  and  I  wuz  glad- 
to  think  that  everybody  wuz  well  there,  or  so  as  to  git  about, 


24       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

for  they  wuz  all  there  at  the  deepo,  excep'  them  that  wuz  in 
the  street,  but  we  got  safe  through  the  noise  and  confusion 
to  a  big,  high  tarven,  with  prices  as  high  as  its  ruff  and  flag 
pole.  Miss  Meechim  got  for  her  and  Dorothy  what  she 
called  "  sweet  rooms,"  three  on  'em  in  a  row,  one  for  each 
on  'em  and  a  little  one  for  Aronette.  But  I  d'no  as  they 
wuz  any  sweeter  than  mine,  though  mine  cost  less  and  wuz 
on  the  back  of  the  house  where  it  wuzn't  so  noisy.  Tommy 
and  I  occupied  one  room;  he  had  a  little  cot-bed  made  up 
for  him. 

Indeed,  I  groaned  out  as  I  sot  me  down  in  a  big  chair, 
if  he  wuz  here,  the  pardner  of  my  youth  and  middle  age, 
no  room  Miss  Meechim  ever  looked  on  wuz  so  sweet  as 
this  would  be.  But  alas!  he  wuz  fur  away.  Jonesville  held 
on  to  my  idol  and  we  wuz  parted  away  from  each  other. 
But  I  went  down  to  supper,  which  they  called  dinner,  and 
see  that  Tommy  had  things  for  his  comfort  and  eat  sunthin' 
myself,  for  I  had  to  support  life,  yes,  strength  had  to  be  got 
to  cling  to  that  black  string  that  I  had  holt  on,  and  vittles 
had  to  supply  some  of  that  strength,  though  religion  and 
principle  supplied  the  biggest  heft.  Miss  Meechim  and 
Aronette  wuz  in  splendid  sperits,  and  after  sup — dinner 
went  out  to  the  theatre  to  see  a  noted  tragedy  acted,  and 
they  asked  me  to  accompany  and  go  with  'em,  for  I  spoze 
that  my  looks  wuz  melancholy  and  deprested  in  extreme, 
Aronette  offerin'  to  take  care  of  Tommy  if  I  wanted  to  go. 

But  I  sez,  "  No,  I  have  got  all  the  tragedy  in  my  own 
bosom  that  I  can  'tend  to."  And  in  spite  of  my  cast-iron 
resolution  tears  busted  out  under  my  eyeleds  and  trickled 
down  my  nose.  They  didn't  see  it,  my  back  wuz  turned, 
and  my  nose  is  a  big  one  anyway  and  could  accommodate 
a  good  many  tears. 

But  I  controlled  my  agony  of  mind.  I  walked  round 
with  Tommy  for  a  spell  and  showed  him  all  the  beauties  of 
the  place,  which  wuz  many,  sot  down  with  him  for  a  spell  in 
the  big,  richly-furnished  parlors,  but  cold  and  lonesome 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       25 

lookin'  after  all,  for  the  love-light  of  home  wuz  lackin',  and 
looked  at  the  glittering  throng  passing  and  repassing;  but 
the  wimmen  looked  fur  off  to  me  and  the  men  wuz  like 
shadders,  only  one  man  seemed  a  reality  to  me,  and  he  wuz 
small  boneded  and  fur  away.  And  then  we  went  to  our 
room.  I  read  to  Tommy  for  a  spell  out  of  a  good  little  book 
I  bought,  and  then  hearn  him  say  his  prayers,  his  innocent 
voice  askin'  for  blessin's  from  on  high  for  his  parents  and 
my  own  beloved  lonely  one,  and  then  I  tucked  him  into  his 
little  cot  and  sot  down  and  writ  a  letter  to  my  dear  Josiah, 
tears  dribblin'  down  onnoticed  while  I  did  so. 

For  we  had  promised  to  write  to  each  other  every  day 
of  our  lives,  else  I  could  not,  could  not  have  borne  the  sep 
aration,  and  I  also  begun  a  letter  to  Philury.  I  laid  out  to 
put  down  things  that  I  wanted  her  to  'tend  to  that  I  thought 
on  from  day  to  day  after  I  got  away,  and  then  send  it  to  her 
bime  by.  Sez  I : 

"  Philury,  be  sure  and  put  woolen  sheets  on  Josiah's 
bed  if  it  grows  colder,  and  heat  the  soap  stun  for  him  and 
see  that  he  wears  his  woolen-backed  vest,  takin'  it  off  if  it 
moderates.  Tend  to  his  morals,  Philury,  men  are  prone  to 
backslide;  start  him  off  reg'lar  to  meetin',  keep  clean  ban 
dannas  in  his  pocket,  let  him  wear  his  gingham  neckties, 
he'll  cry  a  good  deal  and  it  haint  no  use  to  spile  his  silk 
ones.  Oh,  Philury!  you  won't  lose  nothin'  if  you  are  good 
to  that  dear  man.  Put  salt  enough  on  the  pork  when  you 
kill,  and  don't  let  Josiah  eat  too  much  sassage.  And  so 
no  more  to-night,  to  be  continude." 

The  next  morning  I  got  two  letters  from  my  pardner. 
He  had  writ  a  letter  right  there  in  the  deepo  before  he  went 
home,  and  also  another  on  his  arrival  there.  Agony  wuz  in 
every  word ;  oh,  how  wuz  we  goin'  to  bear  it ! 

But  I  must  not  make  my  readers  onhappy;  no  I  must 
harrow  them  up  no  more,  I  must  spread  the  poultice  of 
silence  on  the  deep  gaping  woond  and  go  on  with  the  som- 
bry  history.  After  breakfast  Miss  Meechim  got  a  big,  hand- 


26       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

some  carriage,  drawed  by  two  prancin'  steeds,  held  in  by  a 
man  buttoned  up  to  his  chin,  and  invited  me  to  take  Tommy 
and  go  with  her  and  Dorothy  up  to  the  Park,  which  I  did. 
They  wuz  eloquent  in  praises  of  that  beautiful  place;  the 
smooth,  broad  roads,  bordered  with  tall  trees,  whose  slim 
branches  stood  out  against  the  blue  sky  like  pictures.  The 
crowds  of  elegant  equipages,  filled  with  handsome  lookin' 
folks  in  galy  attire  that  thronged  them  roads.  The  Mall, 
with  its  stately  beauty,  the  statutes  that  lined  the  way  ever 
and  anon.  The  massive  walls  of  the  Museum,  the  beautiful 
lake  and  rivulets,  spanned  by  handsome  bridges.  It  wuz  a 
fair  seen,  a  fair  seen — underneath  beauty  of  the  rarest  kind, 
and  overhead  a  clear,  cloudless  sky. 

Miss  Meechim  wuz  happy,  though  she  didn't  like  the  ad 
miring  male  glances  at  Dorothy's  fresh,  young  beauty,  and 
tried  to  ward  'em  off  with  her  lace-trimmed  muff,  but 
couldn't.  Tommy  wuz  in  pretty  good  sperits  and  didn't  look 
quite  so  pale  as  when  we  left  home,  and  he  wonnered  at  the 
white  statutes,  and  kinder  talked  to  himself,  or  to  Carabi 
about  'em,  and  I  kinder  gathered  from  what  he  said  that  he 
thought  they  wuz  ghosts,  and  I  thought  that  he  wuz  kinder 
reassurin'  Carabi  that  they  wouldn't  hurt  him,  and  he  won 
nered  at  the  mounted  policemen  who  he  took  to  be  soldiers, 
and  at  all  the  beauty  with  which  we  wuz  surrounded.  And 
I — I  kep'  as  cheerful  a  face  as  I  could  on  the  outside,  but 
always  between  me  and  Beauty,  in  whatsoever  guise  it  ap 
peared,  wuz  a  bald  head,  a  small-sized  figger.  Yes,  it 
weighed  but  little  by  the  steelyards,  but  it  shaddered  lovely 
Central  Park,  the  most  beautiful  park  in  the  world,  and  the 
hull  universe  for  me.  But  I  kep'  a  calm  frame  outside;  I 
answered  Miss  Meechim's  remarks  mekanically  and  soothed 
her  nervous  apprehensions  as  well  as  I  could  as  she  glanced 
fearfully  at  male  admirers  by  remarkin'  in  a  casual  way  to 
her  "  that  New  York  and  the  hull  world  wuz  full  of  pretty 
women  and  girls,"  which  made  her  look  calmer,  and  then  I 
fell  in  to  once  with  her  scheme  of  drivin'  up  the  long,  hand- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       27 

some  Boolevard,  acrost  the  long  bridge,  up  to  the  tomb  of 
Our  Hero,  General  Grant. 

Hallowed  place!  dear  and  precious  to  the  hull  country. 
The  place  where  the  ashes  lie  that  wuz  once  the  casket  of 
that  brave  heart.  Good  husband,  kind  father,  true  friend, 
great  General,  grand  Hero,  sleeping  here  by  the  murmuring 
waters  of  the  stream  he  loved,  in  the  city  of  his  choice,  sleep 
ing  sweetly  and  calmly  while  the  whole  world  wakes  to  do 
him  honor  and  cherish  and  revere  his  memory. 

I  had  big  emotions  here,  I  always  did,  and  spoze  I  al 
ways  shall.  But,  alas !  true  it  wuz  that  even  over  the 
memory  of  that  matchless  Hero  riz  up  in  my  heart  the  re 
membrance  of  one  who  wuz  never  heroic,  onheeded  and 
onthought  on  by  his  country,  but — oh !  how  dear  to  me ! 

The  memory  of  his  words,  often  terse  and  short  specially 
before  meal-time,  echoed  high  above  the  memory  of  him 
who  talked  with  Kings  and  Emperors,  ruled  armies  and 
hushed  the  seething  battle-cry,  and  the  nation's  clamor  with 
"  Let  us  have  peace." 

But  I  will  not  agin  fall  into  harrow,  or  drag  my  readers 
there,  but  will  simply  state  that,  in  all  the  seens  of  beauty 
and  grandeur  we  looked  on  that  day — and  Miss  Meechim 
wanted  to  see  all  and  everything,  from  magestick  meetin' 
houses  and  mansions,  bearin'  the  stamp  of  millions  of  dol 
lars,  beautiful  arches  lifted  up  to  heroes  and  the  national 
honor,  even  down  to  the  Brooklyn  Bridge  and  the  Goddess 
of  Liberty — over  all  that  memory  rained  supreme. 

The  Goddess  of  Liberty  holdin'  aloft  her  blazin'  torch 
rousted  up  the  enthusiastick  admiration  of  Dorothy  and  Miss 
Meechim.  But  I  thought  as  I  looked  on  it  that  she  kinder 
lifted  her  arm  some  as  I  had  seen  my  dear  pardner  lift  his 
up  when  he  wuz  a-fixin'  a  stove  pipe  overhead;  and  that  long 
span  uniting  New  York  and  Brooklyn  only  brought  to  me 
thoughts  of  the  length  and  strength  of  that  apron-string  to 
which  I  clung  and  must  cling  even  though  death  ensued. 

Well,  after  a  long  time  of  sight-seeing  we  returned  to 


28       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

our  hotel,  and,  after  dinner,  which  they  called  luncheon,  I 
laid  down  a  spell  with  Tommy,  for  I  felt  indeed  tuckered 
out  with  my  emotions  outside  and  inside.  Tommy  dropped 
off  to  sleep  to  once  like  a  lamb,  and  I  bein'  beat  out,  lost 
myself,  too,  and  evening  wuz  almost  lettin'  down  her  man- 
tilly  spangled  with  stars,  when  I  woke,  Tommy  still  sleepin' 
peacefully,  every  minute  bringin'  health  and  strength  to  him 
I  knew. 

Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy  had  been  to  some  of  the  big 
department  stores  where  you  can  buy  everything  under  one 
ruff  from  a  elephant  to  a  toothpick,  and  have  a  picture  gal 
lery  and  concert  throwed  in.  They  had  got  a  big  trunk 
full  of  things  to  wear.  I  wondered  what  they  wanted  of  'em 
when  they  wuz  goin'  off  on  another  long  journey  so  soon; 
but  considered  that  it  wuzn't  my  funeral  or  my  tradin'  so 
said  nothin'. 

Anon  we  went  down  and  had  a  good  supper,  which  they 
called  dinner,  after  which  they  went  to  the  opera.  Aronette 
tended  to  packin'  their  clothes,  and  offered  to  help  me  pack. 
But  as  I  told  her  I  hadn't  onpacked  nothin'  but  my  night 
gown  and  sheepshead  night-cap  I  could  git  along  with  it, 
specially  as  sheepshead  night-caps  packed  easier  than  full 
crowned  ones. 

So  I  took  Tommy  out  for  a  little  walk  on  the  broad 
beautiful  sidewalks,  and  it  diverted  him  to  see  the  crowds 
of  handsomely  dressed  men  and  women  all  seemin'  to  hurry 
to  git  to  some  place  right  off,  and  the  children  who  didn't 
seem  to  be  in  any  hurry,  and  in  seein'  the  big  carriages  roll 
by,  some  drawed  by  prancin'  horses,  and  some  by  nothin'  at 
all,  so  fur  as  we  could  see,  which  rousted  up  Tommy's  won 
der,  and  it  all  diverted  him  a  little  and  mebby  it  did  me  too, 
and  then  we  retired  to  our  room  and  had  a  middlin'  good 
night's  rest,  though  hanted  by  Jonesville  dreams,  and  the 
next  morning  we  left  for  Chicago. 

Dorothy  had  never  seen  Niagara  Falls  or  Saratoga,  so 
we  went  a  few  milds  out  of  our  way  that  she  might  see 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       29 

Saratoga's  monster  hotels,  the  biggest  in  the  world;  and 
take  a  drink  of  the  healin'  waters  of  the  springs  that  gushes 
up  so  different  right  by  the  side  of  each  other,  showin'  what 
a  rich  reservoir  the  earth  is,  if  we  only  knew  how  to  tap  it, 
and  where. 

We  didn't  stay  at  Saratoga  only  over  one  train;  but 
drove  through  the  broad  handsome  streets,  and  walked 
through  beautiful  Congress  Park,  and  then  away  to  Niagara 
Falls. 

It  wuz  a  bright  moonlight  night  when  we  stood  on  the 
bridge  not  far  from  the  tarven  where  we  had  our  sup — din 
ner.  And  Dorothy  and  Miss  Meechim  wuz  almost  speech 
less  with  awe  and  admiration,  they  said  "  Oh,  how  sublime ! 
Oh !  how  grand !  "  as  they  see  the  enormous  body  of  water 
sweepin'  down  that  immense  distance.  The  hull  waters  of 
the  hull  chain  of  Lakes,  or  inland  Seas,  sweepin'  down  in  one 
great  avalanche  of  water. 

I  wanted  dretfully  to  go  and  see  the  place  where  the  cun 
ning  and  wisdom  of  man  has  set  a  trap  to  ketch  the  power 
of  that  great  liquid  Geni,  who  has  ruled  it  over  his  mighty 
watery  kingdom  sence  the  creation,  and  I  spoze  always  cal 
culated  to;  throwin'  men  about,  and  drawin'  'em  down  into 
its  whirlpool  jest  like  forest  leaves  or  blades  of  grass. 

Who  would  have  dremp  chainin'  down  that  resistless, 
mighty  force  and  make  it  bile  tea-kettles ;  and  light  babys  to 
their  trundle  beds,  and  turn  coffee  mills,  and  light  up  meetin' 
houses,  and  draw  canal  boats  and  propel  long  trains  of  cars. 
How  it  roared  and  took  on  when  the  subject  wuz  first  broke 
to  it.  But  it  had  to  yield,  as  the  twentieth  century  ap 
proached  and  the  millennium  drew  nigh;  men  not  so  very 
big  boned  either,  but  knowin'  quite  a  lot,  jest  chained  that 
great  roarin'  obstropulous  Geni,  and  has  made  it  do  good 
work.  After  rulin'  the  centuries  with  a  high  hand  nobody 
dastin'  to  go  nigh  it,  it  wuz  that  powerful  and  awful  in  its 
might  and  magesty,  it  has  been  made  to  serve,  jest  as  the 
Bible  sez : 


30       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  He  that  is  mightiest  amongst  you  shall  be  your  ser 
vant,"  or  words  to  that  effect. 

But  it  is  a  sight,  I  spoze,  to  see  all  the  performances  they 
had  to  go  through,  the  hard  labor  of  years  and  years,  to 
persuade  Niagara  to  do  what  they  had  planned  for  it  to  do. 

But  as  I  say,  this  great  giant  is  chained  by  one  foot,  as 
it  were,  and  is  doin'  good  day's  works,  and  no  knowin'  how 
much  more  will  be  put  on  it  to  do  when  the  rest  of  its 
strength  is  buckled  down  to  work.  All  over  the  great  Em 
pire  State,  mebby,  he  will  have  to  light  the  evenin'  lamps, 
and  cook  the  mornin'  meals,  and  bring  acrost  the  continent 
the  food  he  cooks,  and  turn  the  mills  that  grinds  the  flour 
to  make  the  bread  he  toasts,  and  sow  the  wheat  that  makes 
the  flour,  and  talk  for  all  the  millions  of  people  and  play 
their  music  for  them — I  d'no  what  he  won't  be  made  to  do, 
and  Josiah  don't,  but  I  spoze  it  is  a  sight  to  see  the  monster 
trap  they  built  to  hold  this  great  Force.  We  wanted  to  go 
there,  but  hadn't  time. 

But  to  resoom  backwards  a  spell.  Miss  Meechim  and 
Dorothy  was  perfectly  awe-struck  to  see  and  hear  the  Falls, 
and  I  didn't  wonder. 

But  I  had  seen  it  before  with  my  beloved  pardner  by  my 
side,  and  it  seemed  to  me  as  if  Niagara  missed  him,  and  its 
great  voice  seemed  to  roar  out:  "Where  is  Josiah?  Where 
is  Josiah?  Why  are  you  here  without  him?  Swish,  swash, 
roar,  roar,  Where  is  Josiah?  Where?  Roar!  Where?" 

Oh,  the  emotions  I  had  as  I  stood  there  under  the  cold 
light  of  the  moon,  cold  waters  rushin'  down  into  a  cold 
tomb;  cold  as  a  frog  the  hull  thing  seemed,  and  full  of  a 
infinite  desolation.  But  I  knew  that  if  Love  had  stood  there 
by  my  side,  personified  in  a  small-sized  figger,  the  hull  seen 
would  have  bloomed  rosy.  Yes,  as  I  listened  to  the  awe 
struck,  admirin'  axents  of  the  twain  with  me,  them  words 
of  the  Poet  come  back  to  me,:  "  How  the  light  of  the  hull 
life  dies  when  love  is  gone." 

"  Oh,"  sez  Miss  Meechim,  as  we  walked  back  to  the 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       31 

tarven,  takin'  in  the  sooveneer  store  on  the  way,  "  oh,  what 
a  immense  body  of  water!  how  tumultous  it  sweeps  down 
into  the  abyss  below!"  I  answered  mekanically,  for  I  thought 
of  one  who  wuz  also  tumultous  at  times,  but  after  a  good 
meal  subsided  down  into  quiet,  some  as  the  waters  of  Niag 
ara  did  after  a  spell. 

And  Dorothy  sez,  "  How  the  grand  triumphal  march  of 
the  great  Lakes,  as  they  hurry  onwards  towards  the  ocean, 
shakes  the  very  earth  in  their  wild  haste." 

I  sez  mekanically,  "Yes,  indeed!  "  but  my  thoughts  wuz 
of  one  who  had  often  pranced  'round  and  tromped,  and  even 
kicked  in  his  haste,  and  shook  the  wood-house  floor.  Ah, 
how,  how  could  I  forgit  him? 

And  at  the  sooveneer  stores,  oh,  how  I  wuz  reminded  of 
him  there!  how  he  had  cautioned  me  aginst  buyin'  in  that 
very  spot;  how  he  had  stood  by  me  till  he  had  led  me  forth 
empty-handed  towards  the  tarven.  Ah  well,  I  tried  to  shake 
off  my  gloom,  and  Tommy  waked  up  soon  after  our  return 
(Aronette,  good  little  creeter !  had  stayed  right  by  him),  and 
we  all  had  a  good  meal,  and  then  embarked  on  the  sleeping 
car.  I  laid  Tommy  out  carefully  on  the  top  shelf,  and  cov 
ered  him  up,  and  then  partially  ondressed  and  stretched  my 
own  weary  frame  on  my  own  shelf  and  tried  to  woo  the  em 
brace  of  Morphine,  but  I  could  not,  so  I  got  up  and  kinder 
sot,  and  took  out  my  pad  and  writ  a  little  more  in  my  letter 
to  my  help. 

Sez  I,  "  Philury,  if  Josiah  takes  cold,  steep  some  lobely 
and  catnip,  half  and  half;  if  he  won't  take  it  Ury  must  hold 
him  and  you  pour  it  down.  Don't  sell  yourself  short  of 
eggs,  Josiah  loves  'em  and  they  cost  high  out  of  season. 
Don't  let  the  neighbors  put  upon  him  because  I  went  off 
and  left  him.  Give  my  love  to  Waitstill  Webb  and  Elder 
White,  give  it  to  'em  simeltaneous  and  together,  tell  'em 
how  much  I  think  on  'em  both  for  the  good  they're  doin'. 
Tell  Arvilly  I  often  think  of  her  and  what  she  has  went 
through  and  pity  her.  Give  a  hen  to  the  widder  Gowdey 


32       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

for  Christmas.  Let  Josiah  carry  it,  or  no,  I  guess  Ury  had 
better,  I  am  away  and  folks  might  talk.  The  ketch  on  the 
outside  suller  door  had  better  be  fixed  so  it  can't  blow  open. 
Josiah's  thickest  socks  are  in  the  under  draw,  and  the  pieces 
to  mend  his  overhalls  in  a  calico  bag  behind  the  clothes- 
press  door.  Guard  that  man  like  the  apples  in  your  eyes, 
Philury,  and  you'll  be  glad  bime  by.  So  no  more.  To  be 
continude." 

Agin  I  laid  down  and  tried  to  sleep ;  in  vain,  my  thoughts, 
my  heart  wuz  in  Jonesville,  so  I  riz  up  agin  as  fur  as  I  could 
and  took  my  handkerchief  pin  offen  the  curtain  where  I  had 
pinned  it  and  looked  at  it  long  and  sadly.  I  hadn't  took 
any  picture  of  Josiah  with  me,  I  hadn't  but  one  and  wuz 
afraid  I  should  lose  it.  He  hain't  been  willin'  to  be  took 
sence  he  wuz  bald,  and  I  knew  that  his  picture  wuz  engraved 
on  my  heart  in  deeper  lines  than  any  camera  or  kodak  could 
do  it.  But  I  had  a  handkerchief  pin  that  looked  like  him,  I 
bought  it  to  the  World's  Fair,  it  wuz  took  of  Columbus. 
You  know  Columbus  wuz  a  changeable  lookin'  critter  in  his. 
pictures,  if  he  looked  like  all  on  'em  he  must  have  been  fitty, 
and  Miss  Columbus  must  have  had  a  hard  time  to  git  along 
with  him.  This  looked  like  Josiah,  only  with  more  hair, 
but  I  held  my  thumb  over  the  top,  and  I  could  almost  hear 
Josiah  speak.  I  might  have  had  a  lock  of  his  hair  to  wep' 
over,  but  my  devoted  love  kep'  me  from  takin'  it;  I  knew 
that  he  couldn't  afford  to  spare  a  hair  with  winter  comin' 
on.  But  I  felt  that  I  must  compose  myself,  for  my  restless 
moves  had  waked  Tommy  up.  The  sullen  roar  of  the  wheels 
underneath  me  kep'  kinder  hunchin'  me  up  every  little  while 
if  I  forgot  myself  for  a  minute,  twittin'  me  that  my  pardner 
had  let  me  go  away  from  him;  I  almost  thought  I  heard 
once  or  twice  the  echo,  Grass  Widder!  soundin'  out  under 
the  crunchin'  roar  and  rattle  of  the  wheels,  but  then  I  turned 
right  over  on  my  shelf  and  sez  in  my  agony  of  sperit :  Not 
that — not  grass." 

And  Tommy  called  down,  "  What  say,  grandma  ?  "    And 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOf!IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       33 

T  reached  up  and  took  holt  of  his  soft,  warm  little  hand  and 
sez :  "  Go  to  sleep,  Tommy,  grandma  is  here." 

"  You  said  sunthin'  about  grass,  grandma." 

And  I  sez,  "  How  green  the  grass  is  in  the  spring,  Tom 
my,  under  the  orchard  trees  and  in  the  door-yard.  How 
pretty  the  sun  shines  on  it  and  the  moonlight,  and  grandpa 
is  there,  Tommy,  and  Peace  and  Rest  and  Happiness,  and 
my  heart  is  there,  too,  Tommy,"  and  I  most  sobbed  the  last 
words. 

And  Tommy  sez,  "  Hain't  your  heart  here  too,  grandma? 
You  act  as  if  you  wuz  'fraid.  You  said  when  I  prayed  jest 
now  that  God  would  watch  over  us." 

"  And  he  will,  Tommy,  he  will  take  care  of  us  and  of  all 
them  I  love."  And  leanin'  my  weary  and  mournful  sperit 
on  that  thought,  and  leanin'  hard,  I  finally  dropped  off  into 
the  arms  of  Morphine. 


CHAPTER   III 

ELL,  we  reached  Chicago  with  no  further  coin 
cidence  and  put  up  to  a  big  hotel  kep'  by  Mr. 
and  Miss  Farmer.  It  seems  that  besides  all  the 
money  I  had  been  provided  with,  Thomas  J. 
had  gin  a  lot  of  money  to  Miss  Meechim  to 
use  for  me  if  she  see  me  try  to  stent  myself  any,  and  he  had 
gin  particular  orders  that  we  should  go  to  the  same  hotels 
they  did  and  fare  jest  as  well,  so  they  wanted  to  go  to  the 
tarven  kep'  by  Mr.  Parmerses  folks,  and  we  did. 

I  felt  real  kinder  mortified  to  think  that  I  didn't  pay  no 
attention  to  Mr.  and  Miss  Farmer;  I  didn't  see  'em  at  all 
whilst  I  wuz  there.  But  I  spoze  she  wuz  busy  helpin'  her 
hired  girls,  it  must  take  a  sight  of  work  to  cook  for  such  a 
raft  of  folks,  and  it  took  the  most  of  his  time  to  provide. 

Well,  we  all  took  a  long  ride  round  Chicago;  Miss  Mee 
chim  wanted  to  see  the  most  she  could  in  the  shortest  time. 
So  we  driv  through  Lincoln  Park,  so  beautiful  as  to  be  even 
worthy  of  its  name,  and  one  or  two  other  beautiful  parks 
and  boolevards  and  Lake  Shore  drives.  And  we  went  at 
my  request  to  see  the  Woman's  Temperance  Building;  I 
had  got  considerable  tired  by  that  time,  and,  oh,  how  a 
woman's  tired  heart  longs  for  the  only  true  rest,  the  heart 
rest  of  love.  As  we  went  up  the  beautiful,  open-work  alle 
viator,  I  felt,  oh,  that  this  thing  was  swinging  me  off  to 
Jonesville,  acrost  the  waste  of  sea  and  land.  But  imme- 
giately  the  thought  come  "  Duty's  apron-strings,"  and  I 
wuz  calm  agin. 

But  all  the  time  I  wuz  there  talkin'  to  them  noble  wim- 
men,  dear  to  me  because  they're  tacklin'  the  most  needed 
work  under  the  heavens,  wagin'  the  most  holy  war,  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       35 

tacklin'  it  without  any  help  as  you  may  say  from  Uncle  Sam, 
good-natered,  shiftless  old  creeter,  well  meanin',  I  believe, 
but  jest  led  in  blinders  up  and  down  the  earth  by  the  Whis 
key  Power  that  controls  State  and  Church  to-day,  and  they 
may  dispute  it  if  they  want  to,  but  it  is  true  as  the  book  of 
Job,  and  fuller  of  biles  and  all  other  impurities  and  tribula 
tions  than  Job  ever  wuz,  and  heaven  only  knows  how  it  is 
goin'  to  end. 

But  to  resoom  backwards.  Lofty  and  inspirin'  wuz  the 
talks  I  had  with  the  noble  ones  whose  names  are  on  the  list 
of  temperance  here  and  the  Lamb's  Book  of  Life.  How 
our  hearts  burnt  within  us,  and  how  the  "blest  tie  that 
binds  "  seemed  to  link  us  clost  together;  when,  alas!  in  my 
soarinest  moments,  as  I  looked  off  with  my  mind's  eye  onto 
a  dark  world  beginnin'  to  be  belted  and  lightened  by  the 
White  Ribbon,  my  heart  fell  almost  below  my  belt  ribbin' 
as  I  thought  of  one  who  had  talked  light  about  my  W.  T. 
C.  U.  doin's,  but  wuz  at  heart  a  believer  and  a  abstainer  and 
a  member  of  the  Jonesville  Sons  of  Temperance. 

A  little  later  we  stood  and  looked  on  one  of  the  great 
grain  elevators,  histin'  up  in  its  strong  grip  hull  fields  of 
wheat  and  corn  at  a  time.  Ah!  among  all  the  wonderin' 
and  awe-struck  admiration  of  them  about  me,  how  my  mind 
soared  off  on  the  dear  bald  head  afar,  he  who  had  so  often 
sowed  the  spring  and  reaped  the  autumn  ears  on  the  hills 
and  dales  of  Jonesville,  sweet  land !  dear  one !  when  should 
I  see  thee  again? 

And  as  we  walked  through  one  of  the  enormous  stock 
yards,  oh!  how  the  bellerin'  of  them  cattle  confined  there 
put  me  in  mind  of  the  choice  of  my  youth  and  joy  of  my 
middle  age.  Wuz  he  too  bellerin'  at  that  moment,  shet  up 
as  he  wuz  by  environin'  circumstances  from  her  he  wor 
shipped. 

And  so  it  went  on,  sad  things  put  me  in  mind  of  him  and 
joyful  things,  all,  all  speakin'  of  him,  and  how,  how  wuz  I 
to  brook  the  separation?  But  I  will  cease  to  harrow  the 


36       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

reader's  tender  bosom.  Dry  your  tears,  reader,  I  will  pro 
ceed  onwards. 

The  next  day  we  sot  off  for  California,  via  Salt  Lake  and 
Denver. 

Jest  as  we  left  the  tarven  at  Chicago  our  mail  wuz  put 
in  our  hands,  forwarded  by  the  Jonesville  postmaster  ac- 
cordin'  to  promise ;  but  not  a  word  from  my  pardner,  roustin' 
up  my  apprehensions  afresh.  Had  his  fond  heart  broken 
under  the  too  great  strain?  Had  he  passed  away  callin'  on 
my  name? 

My  tears  dribbled  down  onto  my  dress  waist,  though  I 
tried  to  stanch  'em  with  my  snowy  linen  handkerchief. 
Tommy's  tears,  too,  began  to  fall,  seein'  which  I  grabbed 
holt  of  Duty's  black  apron-strings  and  wuz  agin  calm  on  the 
outside,  and  handed  Tommy  a  chocolate  drop  (which  healed 
his  woond),  although  on  the  inside  my  heart  kep'  on  a 
seethin'  reservoir  of  agony  and  forbodin's. 

The  next  day,  as  I  sot  in  my  comfortable  easy  chair  on 
the  car,  knittin'  a  little,  tryin'  to  take  my  mind  offen  trouble 
and  Josiah,  Tommy  wuz  settin'  by  my  side,  and  Miss  Mee- 
chim  and  Dorothy  nigh  by.  Aronette,  like  a  little  angel  of 
Help,  fixin'  the  cushions  under  our  feet,  brushin'  the  dust 
offen  her  mistresses  dresses,  or  pickin'  up  my  stitches  when 
in  my  agitation  or  the  jigglin'  of  the  cars  I  dropped  'em, 
and  a  perfect  Arabian  Night's  entertainer  to  Tommy,  who 
worshipped  her,  when  I  hearn  a  exclamation  from  Tommy, 
and  the  car  door  shet,  and  I  looked  round  and  see  a  young- 
man  and  woman  advancin'  down  the  isle.  They  wuz  a  bridal 
couple,  that  anybody  could  see.  The  blessed  fact  could  be 
seen  in  their  hull  personality — dress,  demeanor,  shinin'  new 
satchels  and  everything,  but  I  didn't  recognize  'em  till  Tom 
my  sez : 

"  Oh,  grandma,  there  is  Phila  Henzy  and  the  man  she 
married !  " 

Could  it  be?  Yes  it  wuz  Phila  Ann  Henzy,  Philemon 
Henzy's  oldest  girl,  named  for  her  pa  and  ma,  I  knew  she 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       37 

wuz  married  in  Loontown  the  week  before.  I'd  hearn  on't, 
but  had  never  seen  the  groom,  but  knew  he  wuz  a  young 
chap  she  had  met  to  the  Buffalo  Exposition,  and  who  had 
courted  her  more  or  less  ever  sence.  They  seemed  real  glad 
to  see  me,  though  their  manners  and  smiles  and  hull  de 
meanors  seemed  kinder  new,  somehow,  like  their  clothes. 
They  had  hearn  from  friends  in  Jonesville  that  I  wuz  on  my 
way  to  California,  and  they'd  been  lookin'  for  me.  Sez  the 
groom,  with  a  fond  look  on  her: 

"  I  am  so  glad  we  found  you,  for  Baby  would  have  been 
so  disappointed  if  we  hadn't  met  you." 

Baby !  Phila  Ann  wuz  six  feet  high  if  she  wuz  a  inch,  but 
good  lookin'  in  a  big  sized  way.  And  he  wuz  barely  five  feet, 
and  scrawny  at  that;  but  a  good  amiable  lookin'  young 
man.  But  I  didn't  approve  of  his  callin'  her  Baby  when  she 
could  have  carried  him  easy  on  one  arm  and  not  felt  it.  The 
Henzys  are  all  big  sized,  and  Ann,  her  ma,  could  always 
clean  her  upper  buttery  shelves  without  gittin'  up  in  a  chair, 
reach  right  up  from  the  floor. 

But  he  probable  had  noble  qualities  if  he  wuz  spindlin' 
lookin',  or  she  couldn't  adore  him  as  she  did.  Phila  Ann 
jest  worshipped  him  I  could  see,  and  'he  her,  visey  versey. 
Sez  she,  with  a  tender  look  down  onto  him  : 

"  Yes,  I've  been  tellin'  pa  how  I  did  hope  we  should  meet 
you." 

Pa!  There  wuz  sunthin'  else  I  didn't  approve  of;  callin' 
him  pa,  when  the  fact  that  they  wuz  on  their  bridal  tower 
wuz  stomped  on  'em  both  jest  as  plain  as  I  ever  stomped  a 
pat  of  butter  with  clover  leaves.  But  I  didn't  spoze  I  could 
do  anything  to  help  or  hender,  for  I  realized  they  wuz  both 
in  a  state  of  delirium  or  trance.  But  I  meditated  further 
as  I  looked  on,  it  wouldn't  probable  last  no  great  length  of 
time.  The  honeymoon  would  be  clouded  over  anon  or  be 
fore  that.  The  clouds  would  clear  away  agin,  no  doubt,  and 
the  sun  of  Love  shine  out  permanent  if  their  affection  for 
each  other  wuz  cast-iron  and  sincere.  But  the  light  of  this 


38       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

magic  moon  I  knew  would  never  shine  on  'em  agin.  The 
light  of  that  moon  makes  things  look  dretful  queer  and 
casts  strange  shadders  onto  things  and  folks  laugh  at  it  but 
no  other  light  is  so  heavenly  bright  while  it  lasts.  I  think 
so  and  so  duz  Josiah. 

But  to  resoom  forwards.  The  groom  went  somewhere 
to  send  a  telegram  and  Phila  sot  down  by  me  for  a  spell; 
their  seat  wuz  further  off  but  she  wanted  to  talk  with  me. 
She  wuz  real  happy  and  confided  in  me,  and  remarked 
"  What  a  lovely  state  matrimony  is." 

And  I  sez,  "  Yes  indeed !  it  is,  but  you  hain't  got  fur 
enough  along  in  marriage  gography  to  bound  the  state  on 
all  sides  as  you  will  in  the  future." 

But  she  smiled  blissful  and  her  eyes  looked  fur  off  in 
rapped  delight  (the  light  of  that  moon  shin'  full  on  her)  as 
she  said: 

"  What  bliss  it  is  for  me  to  know  that  I  have  got  sunthin' 
to  lean  on." 

And  I  thought  that  it  would  be  sad  day  for  him  if  she 
leaned  her  hull  heft,  but  didn't  say  so,  not  knowin'  how  it 
would  be  took. 

I  inquired  all  about  the  neighbors  in  Jonesville  and  Zoar 
and  Loontown,  and  sez  I,  "  I  spoze  Elder  White  is  still  doin' 
all  he  can  for  that  meetin'  house  of  hisen  in  Loontown,  and 
I  inquired  particular  about  him,  for  Ernest  White  is  a  young 
man  I  set  store  by.  He  come  from  his  home  in  Boston  to 
visit  his  uncle,  the  banker,  in  East  Loontown.  He  wuz  right 
from  the  German  university  and  college  and  preachin'  school, 
and  he  wuz  so  rich  he  might  have  sot  down  and  twiddled  his 
thumbs  for  the  rest  of  his  days.  But  he  had  a  passion  for 
work — a  passion  of  pity  for  poor  tempted  humanity.  He 
wanted  to  reach  down  and  try  to  lift  up  the  strugglin'  "  sub 
merged  tenth."  He  wuz  a  student  and  disciple  of  Ruskin, 
and  felt  that  he  must  carry  a  message  of  helpfulness  and 
beauty  into  starved  lives.  And,  best  of  all,  he  wuz  a  follower 
of  Jesus,  who  went  about  doin'  good. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       39 

When  his  rich  family  found  that  he  would  be  a  clergy 
man  they  wanted  to  git  him  a  big  city  church,  and  he  might 
have  had  twenty,  for  he  wuz  smart  as  a  whip,  handsome, 
rich,  and  jest  run  after  in  society.  But  no;  he  said  there 
wuz  plenty  to  take  those  rich  fat  places;  he  would  work 
amongst  the  poor,  them  who  needed  him. 

East  Loontown  is  a  factory  village,  and  the  little  chapel 
was  standin'  empty  for  want  of  funds,  but  twenty  saloons 
wuz  booming,  full  of  the  operatives,  who  spent  all  of  their 
spare  time  and  most  of  their  money  there.  So  Ernest  White 
stayed  right  there  and  preached,  at  first  to  empty  seats  and 
a  few  old  wimmen,  but  as  they  got  to  know  him,  the  best 
young  men  and  young  wimmen  went,  and  he  filled  their 
hearts  with  aspiration  and  hope  and  beauty  and  determina 
tion  to  help  the  world.  Not  being  contented  with  what  he 
wuz  doing  he  spent  half  his  time  with  the  factory  hands, 
who  wuz  driven  to  work  by  Want,  and  harried  by  the  mighty 
foe,  Intemperance.  A  saloon  on  every  corner  and  block, 
our  twin  American  idols,  Intemperance  and  Greed,  taking 
every  cent  of  money  from  the  poor  worshippers,  to  pour  into 
the  greedy  pockets  of  the  saloon-keepers,  brewers,  whiskey 
men  and  the  Government,  and  all  who  fatten  on  the  corpse 
of  manhood. 

Well,  he  jest  threw  himself  into  the  work  of  helping 
those  poor  souls,  and  helping  them  as  he  did  in  sickness  and 
health  they  got  to  liking  him,  so  that  they  wuz  willing  to  go 
and  hear  him  preach,  which  was  one  hard  blow  to  the  De 
mon.  The  next  thing  he  got  all  the  ministers  he  could  to 
unite  in  a  Church  Union  to  fight  the  Liquor  Power,  and 
undertaking  it  in  the  right  way,  at  the  ballot-box,  they  got 
it  pretty  well  subdued,  and  as  sane  minds  begun  to  reign  in 
healthier  bodies,  better  times  come. 

Elder  White  not  only  preached  every  Sunday,  but  kep' 
his  church  open  every  evening  of  the  week,  and  his  boys  and 
girls  met  there  for  'healthful  and  innocent  amusements.  He 
got  a  good  library,  all  sorts  of  good  games,  music;  and  had 


40   AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  8 1  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

short,  interesting  lectures  and  entertainments  and  his 
Church  of  Love  rivalled  the  Idol  Temples  and  drew  away 
its  idol  worshippers  one  by  one,  and  besides  the  ministers, 
many  prominent  business  men  helped  him;  my  son,  Thomas 
J.,  is  forward  in  helpin'  it  along.  And  they  say  that  besides 
all  the  good  they're  doing,  they  have  good  times  too,  and 
enjoy  themselves  first-rate  evenings.  They  don't  stay  out 
late — that's  another  thing  Elder  White  is  trying  to  inculcate 
into  their  minds — right  living  in  the  way  of  health  as  well 
as  morals.  Every  little  while  he  and  somebody  else  who  is 
fitted  for  it  gives  short  talks  on  subjects  that  will  help  the 
boys  and  girls  along  in  Temperance  and  all  good  things. 
The  young  folks  jest  worship  'him,  so  they  say,  and  I  wuz 
glad  to  hear  right  from  him.  Phila  is  a  worker  in  his  meetin' 
house,  and  a  active  member,  and  so  is  her  pa  and  ma,  and 
she  said  that  there  wuz  no  tellin'  how  much  good  he  had 
done. 

"  When  he  come  there,"  sez  she,  "  there  wuz  twenty 
saloons  goin'  full  blast  in  a  village  of  two  thousand  inhab 
itants  and  the  mill  operatives  wuz  spendin'  most  all  they 
earnt  there,  leavin'  their  families  to  suffer  and  half  starve; 
but  when  Elder  White  opened  his  Church  of  Love  week  day 
evenin's  as  well  as  Sunday,  you  have  no  idee  what  a  change 
there  is.  There  isn't  a  saloon  in  the  place.  He  has  made 
his  church  so  pleasant  for  the  young  folks  that  he  has  drawn 
away  crowds  that  used  to  fill  the  saloons." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  Thomas  J.  is  dretful  interested  in  it;  he 
has  gin  three  lectures  there." 

"  Yes,  most  all  the  best  citizens  have  joined  the  Help 
Union  to  fight  against  the  Whiskey  Power,  though,"  sez 
Phila,  "  there  is  one  or  two  ministers  who  are  afraid  of  con 
taminating  their  religion  by  politics.  They  had  ruther  stand 
up  in  their  pulpits  and  preach  to  a  few  wimmen  about  the 
old  Jews  and  the  patience  of  Job  than  take  holt  and  do  a 
man's  work  in  a  man's  way — the  only  practical  way,  grapple 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE       41 

with  the  monster  Evil  at  its  lair,  where  it  breeds  and  fattens 
— the  ballot-box." 

;<  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  a  good  many  ministers  think  that  they 
can't  descend  into  the  filthy  pool  of  politics.  But  it  hain't 
reasonable,  for  how  are  you  a  goin'  to  clean  out  a  filthy  place 
if  them  that  want  it  clean  stand  on  the  bank  and  hold  their 
noses  with  one  hand,  and  jester  with  the  other,  and  quote 
scripter?  And  them  that  don't  want  it  clean  are  throwin' 
slime  and  dirt  into  it  all  the  time,  heapin'  up  the  loathsome 
filth.  Somebody  has  got  to  take  holt  and  work  as  well  as 
pray,  if  these  plague  spots  and  misery  breeders  are  ever 
purified." 

"  Well,  Elder  White  is  doin'  all  he  can,"  sez  Phila.  "  He 
went  right  to  the  polls  'lection  day  and  worked  all  day;  for 
the  Whiskey  Power  wuz  all  riz  up  and  watchin'  and  workin' 
for  its  life,  as  you  may  say,  bound  to  draw  back  into  its 
clutches  some  of  the  men  that  Elder  White,  with  the  Lord's 
help,  had  saved.  They  exerted  all  their  influence,  liquor 
run  free  all  day  and  all  the  night  before,  tryin'  to  brutalize 
and  craze  the  men  into  votin'  as  the  Liquor  Power  dictated. 
But  Elder  White  knew  what  they  wuz  about,  and  he  and  all 
the  earnest  helpers  he  could  muster  used  all  their  power  and 
influence,  and  the  election  wuz  a  triumph  for  the  Right. 
East  Loontown  went  no-license,  and  not  a  saloon  curses  its 
streets  to-day.  North  Loontown,  where  the  minister  felt 
that  he  wuz  too  good  to  touch  the  political  pole,  went  license, 
and  five  more  filthy  pools  wuz  opened  there  for  his  flock  to 
fall  into,  to  breed  vile  influences  that  will  overpower  all  the 
good  influence  he  can  possibly  bring  to  bear  on  the  souls 
committed  to  his  care." 

"  But,"  sez  I,  "  he  is  writin'  his  book,  '  Commentaries  on 
Ancient  Sins/  so  he  won't  sense  it  so  much.  He's  jest  car 
ried  away  with  his  work." 

Sez  Phila,  "  He  had  better  be  actin'  out  a  commentary 
on  modern  sins.  What  business  has  he  to  be  rakin'  over  the 
old  ashes  of  Sodom  and  Gomorrah  for  bones  of  antediluvian 


42       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

sinners,  and  leave  his  livin'  flock  to  be  burnt  and  choked  by 
the  fire  and  flames  of  the  present  volcano  of  crime,  the 
Liquor  System,  that  belches  forth  all  the  time." 

"  Well,  he  wuz  made  so,"  sez  I. 

"  Well,  he  had  better  git  down  out  of  the  pulpit,"  sez. 
Phila,  "  and  let  some  one  git  up  there  who  can  see  a  sinner 
right  under  his  nose,  and  try  to  drag  him  out  of  danger  and 
ruin,  and  not  have  to  look  over  a  dozen  centuries  to  find 
him." 

"  Well,  I  am  thankful  for  Ernest  White,  and  I  have  felt 
that  he  and  Waitstill  Webb  wuz  jest  made  for  each  other. 
He  thinks  his  eyes  of  her  I  know.  When  she  went  and 
nursed  the  factory  hands  when  the  typhoid  fever  broke  out 
he  said  '  she  wuz  like  a  angel  of  Mercy.' ' 

"  They  said  he  looked  like  a  angel  of  Wrath  'lection 
clay,"  sez  Phila.  "  You  know  how  fair  his  face  is,  and  how 
his  clear  gray  eyes  seem  to  look  right  through  you,  and 
through  shams  and  shames  of  every  kind.  Well,  that  day 
they  said  his  face  fairly  shone  and  he  did  the  work  of  ten 
men." 

"  That  is  because  his  heart  is  pure,"  sez  I,  "  like  that  Mr. 
Gallyhed  I  heard  Thomas  J.  read  about;  you  know  it  sez: 

' '  His  strength  is  as  the  strength  of  ten 
Because  his  heart  is  pure.' 

"  And  oh ! "  sez  I  agin,  "  how  I  would  love  to  see  him 
and  Waitstill  Webb  married,  and  happy." 

"  So  would  I,"  sez  Phila.  "  Oh,  it  is  such  a  beautiful 
state,  matrimony  is." 

"  And  he  needs  a  wife,"  sez  I.  "  You  know  he  wouldn't 
stay  with  his  uncle  but  said  he  must  live  with  his  people  who 
needed  him,  so  he  boards  there  at  the  Widder  Pooler's." 

'  Yes,"  sez  Phila,  "  and  though  she  worships  him,  she 
had  rather  any  day  play  the  part  of  Mary  than  of  Martha — 
she  had  rather  be  sittin'  at  his  feet  and  learnin'  of  him — 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       43 

than  cookin'  good  nourishin'  food  and  makin'  a  clean,  sweet 
home  for  him.  But  he  don't  complain." 

"  What  a  companion  Waitstill  would  be  for  him?  "  I  sez 
agin. 

"  Yes,"  sez  Phila,  "  but  I  don't  believe  she  will  ever 
marry  any  one,  she  looks  so  sad." 

"  It  seems  jest  if  they  wuz  made  for  each  other,"  sez  I, 
"  and  I  know  he  worships  the  ground  she  walks  on.  But  I 
don't  know  as  she  will  ever  marry  any  one  after  what  she 
has  went  through,"  and  I  sithed. 

"  She  would  marry,"  sez  Phila  warmly,  "  if  she  knew 
what  a  lovely,  lovely  state  it  wuz." 

How  strange  it  is  that  some  folks  are  as  soft  as  putty  on 
some  subjects  and  real  cute  on  others.  Phila  knew  enough 
on  any  other  subject  only  jest  marriage.  But  I  spozed  that 
her  brain  would  harden  up  on  this  subject  when  she  got 
more  familiar  with  it — they  generally  do.  And  the  light  of 
that  moon  I  spoke  on  liquefies  common  sense  and  a  state, 
putty  soft,  ensues;  but  cold  weather  hardens  putty,  and  I 
knew  that  she  would  git  over  it.  But  even  as  I  methought, 
Phila  sez,  "  I  must  go  to  my  seat,  pa  will  be  lookin'  for  me." 
I  see  Miss  Meechim  smotherin'  a  smile  on  her  lace-edged 
handkerchief,  and  Dorothy's  eyes  kinder  laughin'  at  the 
idee  of  a  bride  callin'  her  husband  "  pa." 

But  the  groom  returned  at  jest  that  minute,  and  I  intro 
duced  'em  both  to  Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy,  and  we  had 
quite  a  good  little  visit.  But  anon,  the  groom  mentioned 
incidentally  that  they  wuz  a  goin'  to  live  in  Salt  Lake  City. 

"  Why !  "  sez  I  in  horrow,  "  you  hain't  a  goin'  to  jine  the 
Mormons  are  you?  " 

And  as  I  said  that  I  see  Miss  Meechim  kinder  git  Dor 
othy  behind  her,  as  if  to  protect  her  from  what  might  be. 
But  I  knew  there  wuzn't  no  danger  from  the  groom's  flirtin' 
ivith  any  other  female  or  tryin'  to  git  'em  sealed  to  him,  for 
quite  a  spell  I  knew  that  he  felt  himself  as  much  alone  with 
Baby  as  if  them  two  wuz  on  a  oasis  in  the  middle  of  the 


4:4      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

desert  of  Sarah.  I  knew  that  it  would  be  some  months  be 
fore  he  waked  up  to  the  fact  of  their  bein'  another  woman 
in  the  world.  And  oh,  how  Phila  scoffed  at  the  idee  of  pa 
jinin'  the  Mormons.  They  had  bought  part  of  a  store  of  a 
Gentile  and  wuz  goin'  to  be  pardners  with  him  and  kinder 
grow  up  with  the  country.  I  felt  that  hey  wuz  a  likely 
couple  and  would  do  well,  but  rememberin'  Dorothy's  and 
Miss  Meechim's  smiles  I  reached  up  and  stiddied  myself  on 
that  apron-string  of  Duty,  and  took  Phila  out  one  side  and 
advised  her  not  to  call  her  bridegroom  pa.  Sez  I,  "  You 
hain't  but  jest  married  and  it  don't  look  well." 

And  she  said  that  "  Her  ma  always  called  her  father  pa." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  if  you'll  take  the  advice  of  a  old  Jones- 
villian  and  well-wisher,  you'll  wait  till  you're  a  few  years 
older  before  you  call  him  pa." 

And  she  sez,  lookin'  admirin'ly  at  him,  "  I  spoze  I  might 
call  him  papa." 

Well,  you  can't  put  sense  into  a  certain  bump  in  any 
body's  head  if  it  wuzn't  made  there  in  the  first  place — there 
are  holler  places  in  heads  that  you  can't  fill  up,  do  your  best. 
But  oh !  how  her  devoted  love  to  him  put  me  in  mind  of  my 
self,  and  how  his  small-sized  devotion  to  her — how  it  re 
minded  me  of  him  who  wuz  far  away — and  oh,  why  did  I 
not  hear  from  him!  my  heart  sunk  nearly  into  my  shues  as 
I  foreboded  about  it.  It  seemed  as  if  everything  brung  him 
up  before  me,  the  provisions  we  had  on  the  dining  car  wuz 
good  and  plenty  of  'em,  and  how  they  made  me  think  of 
him,  who  wuz  a  good  provider.  The  long,  long  days  and 
nights  of  travel,  the  jar  and  motion  of  the  cars  made  me 
think  of  him  who  often  wuz  restless  and  oneasy.  And  even 
the  sand  of  the  desert  between  Cheyenne  and  Denver,  even 
that  sand  brought  me  fond  remembrances  of  one  who  wuz 
sandy  complected  when  in  his  prime.  And  oh !  when  did  I 
not  think  of  him?  Christmas  had  gone  by,  but  how  could 
we  celebrate  it  without  a  home  to  set  up  a  Christmas  tree, 
or  set  out  a  table  with  good  Jonesville  vittles.  How  I 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE      45 

thought  on  him  who  made  a  holiday  in  my  heart  by  his 
presence,  and  always  helped  me  put  the  leaves  in  the  ex 
tension  table. 

Tommy  wanted  to  hang  up  his  little  stockin',  and  did, 
hangin'  it  out  like  a  little  red  signal  of  distress  over  the  side 
of  his  top  shelf,  and  we  filled  it  with  everything  good  we 
could  git  hold  on. 

Dorothy  put  in  a  little  silver  watch  she  had  bought  on 
her  travels,  not  bigger  than  a  warnut,  and  Miss  Meechim 
put  in  some  of  the  toys  she  had  bought  for  children  of  her 
acquaintance.  I  got  a  good  little  picture  book  for  him  in 
Chicago,  and  a  set  of  Authors,  and  Aronette  gin  him  two 
little  linen  handkerchiefs,  hemstitched  by  herself,  and  his 
name,  "  Tommy,"  worked  in  the  corners.  He  wuz  real 
tickled  with  'em  all.  I  told  Miss  Meechim  that  I  had  hoped 
to  spend  Christmas  in  Salt  Lake  City.  Knowin'  that  it  wuz 
a  warm  climate,  I  thought  I  could  have  a  Christmas  tree 
out  doors;  I  thought  I  could  take  one  of  them  big  pine  trees 
I  had  read  on,  and  invite  Brigham  Young's  wives,  the  hull 
on  'em,  to  my  party,  bein'  out  doors  I  thought  there  would 
be  room  for  'em  all,  poor  creeters ! 

But  Miss  Meechim  is  very  cautious,  and  she  said  that  she 
wuz  afraid  that  such  a  party  given  by  folks  in  my  high  posi 
tion  might  have  a  tendency  to  encourage  polygamy. 

And  I  said,  "  I  would  rather  give  a  dollar  bill  than  do 
that,  and  mebbe  I  had  better  give  it  up,  for  we  shan't  git 
there  in  time,  anyway." 

And  so  I  did,  and  spent  the  Christmas  holidays  c.n  the 
cars,  and  tried  to  keep  my  heart  and  mind  in  a  Christmas 
mood,  but  don't  spoze  I  did,  so  many  fond  recollections  and 
sad  forebodin's  hanted  me  as  the  cars  swep'  us  on,  on 
through  the  valley  of  the  Platte  river  on  to  Denver.  Miss 
Meechim,  who  is  a  power  on  dates,  said  that  Denver  wuz 
five  thousand  two  hundred  feet  above  the  sea. 

And  Tommy  wonnered,  wonnered  who  measured  it,  and 
if  they  did  it  with  a  yard  stick  as  his  ma  measured  cloth, 


46   AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  then  he  wonnered  if  his  ma  missed  her  little  boy,  and 
then  he  laid  up  aginst  me  and  kinder  cried  a  little,  evan 
escent  grief  soon  soothed. 

We  stayed  in  Denver  two  days,  sallyin'  out  to  different 
points  of  interest  about  it,  and  here  I  see  irrigation  carried 
on,  water  carried  into  the  channels  around  the  crops  and 
trees  some  as  I've  dug  little  holes  round  my  house-plants  to 
hold  water;  only  of  course  Denver  wuz  carryin'  it  on,  on  a 
bigger  scale.  It  is  a  handsome  city  with  the  water  of  the 
Platte  river  brung  in  and  running  along  in  little  streams 
by  the  curbstones.  We  rode  out  to  Idaho  Springs  on  a 
narrer  railroad  but  easy  goin',  through  Clear  Creek  Canon. 
I  liked  the  looks  of  the  Springs  first-rate  (they  made  me 
think  of  Josiah). 

All  the  way  we  see  Chinamen  workin'  hard  and  patient, 
as  is  their  wont,  and  their  long  frocks  they  had  on  made  me 
think  of  him  I  mourned  for,  and  their  hair  hangin'  in  long 
braids  down  their  back.  So  would  his  hair  look  if  he  had 
any,  and  let  it  grow. 

We  had  to  go  a  little  out  of  our  straight  way  to  visit  Salt 
Lake  City  but  felt  that  it  paid. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

[ALT  LAKE  lays  in  a  rich  valley  at  the  foot  of 
a  range  of  snow-capped  mountains  that  tower 
up  'round  it,  seemin'  to  the  saints,  I  spoze,  as 
if  they  wuz  heavenly  ramparts  to  protect  'em 
from  evil ;  and  lookin'  to  them  that  despise  the 
saints'  ways  and  customs,  as  if  the  very  earth  itself  was  liftin' 
up  its  high  hands  in  horrow  at  their  deeds.  But  to  me, 
hanted  as  I  wuz  by  a  memory,  the  mountains  looked  some 
like  old  men  with  white  hair;  as  his  would  be  when  he  got 
older  if  he  wuzn't  bald.  I  knew  that  I  ort  not  to  think  on  it, 
but  it  would  come  onbid.  It  is  a  beautiful  city  with  electric 
lights,  electric  railways,  broad  streets  lined  with  lofty  trees, 
and  little  rivulets  of  pure  cold  snow-water  runnin'  along  the 
side  of  'em.  The  houses  are  clean  and  comfortable  looking, 
with  well-kep'  lawns  and  gardens  about  'em  and  flowering 
shrubs.  The  temple  is  a  magnificent  building;  it  towers  up 
to  heaven,  as  if  it  wuz  jest  as  sure  of  bein'  right  as  our 
Methodist  Episcopal  steeple  at  Jonesville.  Though  we  know 
that  the  M.  E.  steeple,  though  smaller  in  size,  is  pintin'  the 
right  way  and  will  be  found  out  so  on  that  day  that  tries 
souls  and  steeples  and  everything  else. 

The  old  Bee  Hive  (where  the  swarm  of  Mormons  first 
hived  and  made  gall  or  honey — or  mebby  both) — is  also  an 
interestin'  sight  to  meditate  on.  It  is  shaped  a  good  deal 
like  one  of  them  round  straw  bee  hives  you  see  in  old  Sab 
bath  School  books.  The  bride  and  groom  went  to  their  own 
home  to  live,  on  whom  we  called,  or  Tommy  and  I  did,  and 
left  'em  well  situated  and  happy;  and  I  told  him,  sez  I:  "If 
you  'tend  strict  to  the  eighth  commandment,  you'll  git  along 
first  rate." 


48   AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

And  he  said  that  he  felt  he  could  rise  to  any  height  of 
goodness  with  Baby's  help.  And  she  scoffed  at  the  idee  of 
pa  ever  payin'  any  attention  to  any  other  woman  but  her, 
when  he  worshipped  her  so. 

Well,  so  other  men  have  felt  and  got  led  off,  but  I  won't 
forebode.  But  I  left  'em  happy  in  their  own  cozy  home, 
which  I  wuz  glad  to  think  I  could  describe  to  Phileman  and 
Ann  if  I  ever  see  that  blessed  haven,  Jonesville,  agin. 

We  went  out  to  visit  the  Mineral  Springs.  It  only  took 
us  about  ten  minutes  on  the  train,  and  it  only  took  us  about 
half  an  hour  to  go  to  Garfield  Beach.  It  is  the  only  sand 
beach  on  Salt  Lake,  and  some  say  it  is  the  finest  beach  in 
the  world,  and  they  say  that  the  sunsets  viewed  from  this 
spot  are  so  heavenly  bright  in  their  glowin'  colors  that  no 
pen  or  tongue  can  describe  'em.  The  blue-green  waves  wuz 
dancin'  as  we  stood  on  the  shore,  and  we  wuz  told  that  if  we 
fell  in,  the  water  would  hold  us  up,  but  didn't  try  it,  bein'  in 
sunthin'  of  a  hurry. 

At  Miss  Meechim's  strong  request  we  went  on  a  pleasant 
trip  to  York  City  through  the  valley  of  the  River  of  Jordan. 
How  good  that  name  sounded  to  me !  How  much  like  scrip- 
ter!  But,  alas!  it  made  me  think  of  one  who  had  so  often 
sung  with  me  on  the  way  home  from  evenin'  meetin',  as  the 
full  moon  gilded  the  top  of  the  democrat,  and  the  surround- 
in'  landscape: 

"By  Jordan's  stormy  banks  we  stand 

And  cast  a  wistful  eye 
On  Canaan's  fair  and  happy  land, 
Where  my  possessions  lie." 

Oh,  human  love  and  longing,  how  strong  thou  art !  I 
knowed  that  him  meant  the  things  of  the  sperit,  but  my 
human  heart  translated  it,  and  I  sithed  and  felt  that  the  Jor 
dan  my  soul  wuz  passin'  through  wuz  indeed  a  hard  path 
way,  and  I  couldn't  help  castin'  a  wishful  eye  on  Jonesville's 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       49 

fair  and  happy  land,  where  my  earthly  possession,  my  Jo- 
siah,  lay. 

But  to  resoom.  We  had  hearn  that  Polygamy  wuz  still 
practised  there,  and  we  had  hearn  that  it  wuzn't.  But  every 
doubt  on  that  subject  wuz  laid  to  rest  by  an  invitation  we 
all  'had  to  go  and  visit  a  Mormon  family  livin'  not  fur  off,  and 
Miss  Meechim  and  I  went,  she  not  wantin'  Dorothy  to  hear 
a  word  on  the  subject.  She  said  with  reason,  that  after  all 
her  anxiety  and  labors  to  keep  her  from  marryin'  one  man, 
what  would  be  her  feelin's  to  have  her  visit  a  man  who  had 
boldly  wedded  'leven  wives  and  might  want  a  even  dozen ! 

I  could  see  it  to  once,  so  didn't  urge  the  matter,  but  left 
Tommy  with  her  and  Aronette.  As  nigh  as  I  could  make 
out,  the  Mormons  had  felt  that  Miss  Meechim  and  I  wuz 
high  in  authority  in  Gentile  climes,  one  on  us  had  that  air 
of  nobility  and  command  that  is  always  associated  with  high 
authority,  and  they  felt  that  one  on  us  could  do  their  cause 
much  good  if  they  could  impress  us  favorable  with  the  cus 
tom,  so  they  put  their  best  twenty-four  feet  forward  and  did 
their  level  best  to  show  off  their  doctrine  in  flyin'  colors. 
But  they  didn't  do  any  good  to  "  one  on  us,"  nor  to  Miss 
Meechim,  either;  she's  sound  in  doctrine,  though  kinder 
weak  and  disagreeable  in  spots. 

Well,  we  found  that  this  family  lived  in  splendid  style,  and 
the  husband  and  all  his  pardners  acted  happy  whether  they 
wuz  or  not.  And  I  d'no  how  or  why  it  wuz,  but  when  we 
all  sot  down  in  their  large  cool  parlor,  Miss  Meechim  and  I 
in  our  luxurious  easy  chairs,  and  our  host  in  one  opposite 
with  his  wife  occupyin'  'leven  chairs  at  his  sides,  a  feelin'  of 
pity  swep'  over  me — pity  for  that  man. 

Yes,  as  I  looked  at  that  one  lonely  man,  small  boneded  at 
that,  and  then  looked  at  them  'leven  portly  wimmen  that 
called  that  man  "  our  husband,"  I  pitied  him  like  a  dog.  I 
had  never  thought  of  pityin'  Mormon  men  before,  but  had 
poured  out  all  my  pity  and  sympathy  onto  the  female  Mor 
mons.  But  havin'  a  mind  like  a  oxes  for  strength,  I  begun 
4 


50       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

to  see  matters  in  a  new  light,  and  I  begun  to  spozen  to  my 
self,  even  whilst  I  sot  there  with  my  tongue  keepin'  up  a  light 
dialogue  on  the  weather,  the  country,  etc.,  with  the  man  and 
his  wife  ('leven  on  'em).  I  spozed  what  if  they  should  all 
git  mad  at  him  at  one  time  how  wuz  he  goin'  to  bear  their 
'leven  rages  flashin'  from  twenty-two  eyes,  snortin'  from 
'leven  upturned  noses,  fallin'  from  'leven  angry  voices,  and 
the  angry  jesters  from  twenty-two  scornful  hands.  Spozein' 
they  all  got  to  weepin'  on  his  shoulder  at  one  time  how  could 
one  shoulder  blade  stand  it  under  the  united  weight  of  'leven 
full-sized  females,  most  two  ton  of  'em,  amidst  more'n  forty- 
four  nervous  sobs,  for  they  would  naterally  gin  more'n  two 
apiece.  In  sickness  now,  if  they  wanted  to  soothe  his  achin' 
brow,  and  of  course  they  would  all  want  to,  and  have  the 
right  to.  But  how  could  twenty-two  hands  rest  on  that  one 
small  fore-top  ?  Sixty-six  rubs  at  the  least  figger,  for  if  they 
stroked  his  forehead  at  all  they  would  want  to  stroke  it  three 
times  apiece,  poor  creeter !  would  not  delerium  ensue  instead 
of  sooth?  And  spozein'  they  all  took  it  into  their  heads  to 
hang  on  his  arm  with  both  arms  fondly  whilst  out  walkin' 
by  moonlight,  how  could  twenty-two  arms  be  accommodated 
by  two  small  scrawny  elbows? 

It  couldn't  be  done.  And  as  I  mused  on't  I  spoke  right 
out  onbeknown  to  me,  and  sez  I : 

"  The  Lord  never  meant  it  to  be  so;  it  hain't  reasonable; 
it's  aginst  common  sense." 

And  the  hull  twelve  sez,  "  What  didn't  the  Lord  mean  ? 
What  wuz  aginst  common  sense?" 

And  bein'  ketched  at  it,  I  sez,  "  The  Mormon  doctrine; " 
sez  I,  "  to  say  nothin'  on  moral  and  spiritual  grounds,  and 
state  rights,  it's  against  reason  and  good  sense." 

I  felt  mortified  to  think  I  had  spoke  out  loud,  but  had  to 
stand  my  ground  after  I  had  said  it. 

But  they  all  said  that  the  Mormon  doctrine  wuz  the  true 
belief,  that  it  wuz  writ  in  heaven,  then  it  wuz  engraved  on 
plates,  and  dug  up  by  Joe  Smith,  a  Latter  Day  Saint. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       51 

Sez  I,  "  If  anybody  trys  to  prove  sunthin'  they  want  to, 
they  can  most  always  dig  up  sunthin'  to  prove  it.  You  say 
a  man  dug  this  plate  up;  what  if  some  woman  should  go  to 
diggin'  and  find  a  plate  provin'  that  one  woman  ort  to  have 
'leven  husbands?  " 

"  Oh,  no !  "  sez  the  man  in  deep  scorn,  "  no  such  plate 
could  be  found !  " 

The  wimmen  all  looked  as  if  they  would  kinder  like  to  see 
such  dishes,  but  they  all  sez  faintly,  "  We  don't  spoze  that  it 
could  be  found." 

"  But,"  I  sez,  "  you  don't  know  how  many  plates  there 
are  in  the  ground,  nor  who'll  dig  'em  up." 

"  Oh,  that  idee  is  preposterous !  "  sez  the  man,  as  visions 
of  dividin'  one  woman's  heart  into  eleven  parts  and  reignin' 
over  that  little  mossel  riz  up  before  him.  "  Men  never 
would  agree  to  that;  there  would  be  mutiny,  internal  blood 
shed  and  sizm." 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "mebby  there  is  more  or  less  internal  heart 
bleedin'  goin'  on  in  the  wimmen's  hearts  that  have  to  divide 
a  man's  love  and  care  a  dozen  times."  Sez  I,  "  A  hull  man's 
hull  affections  are  onstiddy  and  wobblin'  and  oncertain 
enough  without  dividin'  it  up  so  many  times." 

Them  wimmen  wuz  touched.  I  see  a  answerin'  gleam  of 
understandin'  come  into  about  twenty-one  eyes  as  I  spoke; 
one  on  'em  stood  firm  and  looked  hauty  and  cast  iron,  but  I 
mistrusted  it  wuz  a  glass  eye,  but  don't  know,  it  might  have 
been  principle. 

And  even  on  the  man's  small-sized  countenance  my  words 
had  seemed  to  make  a  impression.  But  yet  he  didn't  want 
to  give  up  in  a  minute;  he  spoke  of  how  the  Mormons  had 
flourished  since  they  come  to  Utah,  how  they  had  turned  the 
desert  into  a  garden,  and  he  felt  that  the  Lord  must  look  on 
'em  favorable  or  they  wouldn't  be  so  prosperous. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  not  wantin'  to  lie,  "  your  country  is  beauti 
ful,  it  is  in  a  flourishing  state,  and  shows  the  good  results  of 
systematic  labor,  industry  and  ambition;  you  have  made  the 


52       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

desert  bloom  like  the  rosy,  many  of  your  ways  and  customs 
might  be  follered  with  profit  by  older  communities,  and 
more  orthodox  accordin'  to  my  idees.  But  I  don't  know  as 
your  flourishin'  in  worldly  affairs  is  any  sign  of  God's  favor," 
and  I  mentioned  the  scripter  concernin'  who  it  wuz  that 
flourished  like  the  green  bayberry  tree.  So  bein'  driv  out  of 
that  argument,  he  sez,  forgittin'  his  own  eleven  proofs  aginst 
his  story  bein'  true: 

"Polygamy  is  done  away  with  anyway;  the  United  States 
have  abolished  it  in  Utah." 

And  I  sez:  "Well,  I  should  be  glad  to  think  that  wuz  so, 
for  one  'husband  and  one  wife  is  as  much  as  the  Lord  in  his 
mercy  ort  to  ask  one  human  creeter  to  tend  to  and  put  up 
with.  Not  but  what  marriage  is  a  beautiful  institution  and 
full  of  happiness  if  Love  props  it  up  and  gilds  it  with  its 
blessed  ray.  But  one  is  enough,"  sez  I  firmly,  "  and  enough 
is  as  good  as  a  feast." 

Miss  Meechim  sot  silently  by  durin'  this  eloquent  discus 
sion — what  she  felt,  she  that  abhorred  the  institution  of  mar 
riage  anyway — what  she  felt  to  look  on  and  see  folks  so  much 
married  as  these  wuz,  will  forever  remain  a  secret,  but  her 
looks  wuz  queer,  very,  and  her  nose  fairly  sought  the  heavens, 
it  wuz  held  so  high.  A  few  of  the  wives  brought  in  some 
refreshments  to  refresh  us,  and  a  few  more  waited  on  us  and 
the  small  husband  of  their  eleven  hearts,  and  almost  imme- 
giately  we  tore  ourselves  away,  takin'  in  ourn  as  we  left,  the 
hand  of  the  husband  and  the  eleven  right  hands  of  the  wife. 

That  evenin'  I  wuz  told  I  wuz  wanted  in  the  parlor,  and 
as  I  entered  quite  a  good  lookin'  Mormon  man  got  up  and 
advanced  and  broke  out  to  once  askin'  my  help.  He  said 
he'd  read  in  the  paper  that  I  wuz  there  to  that  tarven,  and 
knowin'  I  stood  so  high  with  the  public  he  had  ventered  to 
ask  my  help.  He  had  political  yearnin's  and  wanted  to  set 
in  the  Senate,  but  as  I  stood  firm  as  iron  again  that  idee  his 
linement  grew  almost  frenzied,  and  sez  he : 

"  Do  help  me,  do  use  your  influence  with  your  President. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE       53 

He's  afraid  of  race  suicide;  tell  him  I'm  the  father  of  forty- 
seven  children — will  not  that  touch  his  heart  ?  " 

"  Not  a  mite !  "  sez  I,  "  his  heart  is  as  true  as  steel  to  his 
one  wife  and  six  children.  It  is  a  good  manly  heart  that 
can't  be  led  off  by  any  such  brazen  statements." 

His  linement  looked  lurid  and  half  demented  as  he  sez, 
"  Mebby  some  high  church  dignitaries  would  help  me.  Or 
no,"  sez  he,  "  go  to  the  head  of  it  all,  go  to  the  Liquor  Power 
— that's  the  place  to  go  to,  that  rules  Church  and  State,  that 
makes  the  laws.  Oh,  do  go  to  the  Liquor  Power,  and  git 
it  to  let  me  set.  I'll  pay  their  usual  price  for  makin'  personal 
laws  in  a  man's  favor." 

The  cold  glare  in  my  gray  eye  froze  the  words  on  his  lip. 
"  You  ask  me  to  go  to  the  Liquor  Power  for  help !  Do  you 
know  who  you're  speakin'  to?" 

"  Yes,"  sez  he  feebly,  "  I'm  speakin'  to  Josiah  Allen's 
wife,  and  I  want  to  set." 

His  axent  wuz  heartbroken  and  I  fancied  that  there  wuz 
a  little  tone  of  repentance  in  it.  Could  I  influence  him  for  the 
right?  Could  I  frighten  him  into  the  right  path?  I  felt  I 
must  try,  and  I  sez  in  a  low,  deep  voice : 

"  I'll  help  you  to  set  if  you'll  set  where  I  want  you  to." 

"  Oh,  tell  me !  tell  me,"  sez  he,  "  where  you  want  me  to 
set." 

"  Not  in  the  high  halls  where  justice  is  administered,  not 
up  there  with  the  pictures  of  your  numerous  wives  on  your 
heart  to  make  laws  condemnin'  a  man  who  has  only  one 
extra  wife  to  prison  for  twenty  years,  which  same"  law  would 
condemn  you  to  prison  for  'most  a  century.  That  wouldn't 
be  reasonable.  Presidents  and  senators  are  sot  up  there  in 
Washington  D.  C.  as  examplers  for  the  young  to  foller  and 
stimulate  'em  to  go  and  do  likewise.  Such  a  example  as 
yourn  would  stimulate  'em  too  much  in  matrimonial  direc 
tions  and  land  'em  in  prison." 

He  muttered  sunthin'  about  lots  of  public  men  havin' 
other  wives  in  secret. 


54      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"In  secret?"  sez  I.  "Well,  mebby  so,  but  it  has  to  be  in 
secret,  hid  away,  wropped  in  disgrace,  and  if  the  law  dis 
covers  it  they  are  punished.  That's  a  very  different  thing 
from  makin'  such  a  life  respectable,  coverin  'em  under  the 
mantilly  of  the  law,  embroidered  too  with  public  honors." 

He  turned  away  despairin'ly  and  murmured  mekanically 
the  old  heart-broken  wail,  "  I  want  to  set.' 

And  I  sez  reasonably,  "  There  is  no  objection  to  your 
settin'  down,  and  if  I  had  my  way  you  would  set  right  by 
them  who  have  done  only  half  or  a  quarter  what  you  have 
and  in  the  place  the  laws  have  made  for  them  and  you." 

He  turned  quick  as  a  wink,  "Then  you  won't  help  me?  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  I'll  help  all  I  can  to  put  you  right  in  with 
the  others  that  have  done  jest  what  you  have — openly  set 
our  laws  at  defiance.  But  if  I  know  myself  I  won't  help  a 
tiger  cat  to  hold  a  canary  bird  or  a  wolf  to  guard  a  sheep 
pen.  I  won't  help  a  felon  up  on  the  seat  of  justice  to  make 
laws  for  innocent  men." 

"  Innocent  men !  "     And  agin  he  sez  "  Ha !  ha !  " 

And  agin  I  didn't  care  what  he  said.  And  I  got  up  and 
sez,  "  You  may  as  well  leave  the  presence."  And  as  he 
turned  I  sez  in  conclusion,  thinkin'  mebby  I'd  been  too  hash, 
"  I  dare  say  you  have  intellect  and  may  be  a  good  man  so 
fur  as  I  know  only  in  this  one  iniquity  and  open  defiance  of 
our  laws,  and  I  advise  you  to  turn  right  round  in  your  tracks 
and  git  ready  to  set  down  on  high,  for  you'll  find  it  a  much 
worse  thing  to  prance  round  through  all  eternity  without 
settin'  than  it  is  to  not  set  here." 

He  jest  marched  out  of  the  door  and  didn't  say  good  bye 
or  good  day  or  anything.  But  I  didn't  care.  I  knowed  the 
minute  his  card  wuz  handed  to  me  jest  how  many  wives  he 
had  and  how  he  wuz  doin'  all  he  could  to  uphold  what  he 
called  his  religion,  but  I  did  hope  I'd  done  him  some  good 
but  felt  dubersome  about  it.  But  knowin'  I'd  clung  to 
Duty's  apron  strings  I  felt  like  leavin'  the  event.  And  when 
Miss  Meechim  come  in  I  wuz  settin'  calm  and  serene  in  a 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       55 

big  chair  windin'  some  clouded  blue  and  white  yarn,  Aronette 
holdin'  the  skein.  I'd  brung  along  a  lot  of  woollen  yarn  to 
knit  Josiah  some  socks  on  the  way,  to  make  me  feel  more 
homelike. 

And  the  next  day  we  proceeded  on  to  California. 


CHAPTER   V. 

ISS  MEECHIM  and  Dorothy  looked  brighter 
and  happier  as  every  revolution  of  the  wheels 
brought  us  nearer  their  old  home,  and  they 
talked  about  Robert  Strong  and  other  old 
friends  I  never  see. 

"Be  it  ever  so  humbly, 
There  is  no  place  like  hum." 

My  heart  sung  them  words  and  carried  two  parts,  one 
sulferino  and  one  bear  tone.  The  high  part  caused  by  my 
lofty  emotions  and  sweet  recollections  of  home,  that  hal 
lowed  spot;  the  minor  chords  caused  by  feelin's  I  have  so 
often  recapitulated.  Tommy,  as  the  day  wore  on,  went  to 
sleep,  and  I  covered  him  tenderly  on  the  seat  with  my  little 
shoulder  shawl,  and  sot  there  alone;  alone,  as  the  cars  bore 
us  onward,  sometimes  through  broad  green  fields  of  alfalfa, 
anon  over  a  bridge  half  a  mile  long,  from  whence  you  could 
look  down  and  see  the  flowing  stream  beneath  like  a  little 
skein  of  silver  yarn  glistening  in  the  sun  fur  below,  agin 
forests  and  valleys  and  farms  and  homesteads,  and  anon  in 
an  opening  through  a  valley,  high  bluffs,  beautifully  colored, 
could  be  seen  towering  up  over  blue  waters,  up,  up  as  if 
they  wuz  bent  on  touching  the  fleecy  clouds  overhead.  And 
then  a  green  sheltered  valley,  and  then  a  high  range  of 
mountains  seen  fur  off  as  if  overlookin'  things  to  see  that 
all  wuz  well,  anon  a  big  city,  then  a  village,  then  the  green 
country  agin,  and  so  the  pictures  passed  before  me  as  I  sot 
there. 

I  had  put  on  a  pair  of  new  cuffs  and  a  collar,  made  for 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       57 

me  and  hemstitched  by  Waitstill  Webb,  and  gin  to  me  by 
her,  though  I  wanted  to  pay  her.  Sweet  little  creeter!  how 
good  she  wuz  to  me  and  to  everybody,  and  I  thought  of 
her  sad  history,  and  hoped  that  brighter  days  wuz  ahead 
on  her.  I  d'no  as  I've  told  the  reader  much  about  her  his 
tory,  and  mebby  I  might  as  well  whilst  we  are  rushin'  on 
so  fast,  and  Tommy  is  asleep. 

Alan  Thome,  the  young  man  she  wuz  engaged  to,  wuz 
brung  up  by  a  uncle  who  had  a  family  of  his  own  to  love 
and  tend  to,  but  he  did  his  duty  by  Alan,  gin  him  a  good 
education  and  a  comfortable,  if  not  affectionate,  home  in 
his  family.  But  it  wuz  a  big  family  all  bound  up  in  each 
other,  and  Alan  had  seemed  like  one  who  looks  on  through 
a  winder  at  the  banquet  of  Life  and  Love,  kinder  hungry 
and  lonesome  till  he  met  Waitstill  Webb.  Then  their  two 
hearts  and  souls  rushed  together  like  two  streams  of  water 
down  an  inclined  plane.  They  literally  seemed  to  be  two 
bodies  with  one  heart,  one  soul,  one  desire,  one  aspiration. 
He  had  always  been  industrious,  honest  and  hard  workin'. 
Now  he  had  sunthin'  to  work  for;  and  for  the  three  years 
after  he  met  Waitstill  he  worked  like  a  giant.  He  wuz 
earning  a  home  for  his  wife,  his  idol;  how  happy  he  wuz  in 
his  efforts,  his  work,  and  how  happy  she  wuz  to  see  it,  and 
to  work  herself  in  her  quiet  way  for  the  future. 

He  had  bought  a  home  about  a  mile  out  of  the  city, 
where  he  was  employed,  and  had  got  it  all  payed  for.  It 
wuz  a  beautiful  little  cottage  with  a  few  acres  of  land  round 
it,  and  he  had  got  his  garden  all  laid  out  and  a  orchard  of 
fruit  trees  of  all  kinds,  and  trees  and  flowering  shrubs  and 
vines  around  the  pretty  cottage.  There  wuz  a  little  pasture 
where  he  wuz  to  keep  his  cow  and  a  horse,  that  she  could 
take  him  with  to  his  work  mornings  and  drive  round  where 
she  wanted  to,  and  there  wuz  a  meadow  lot  with  a  little 
rivulet  running  through  it,  and  they  had  already  planned 
a  rustic  bridge  over  the  dancing  stream,  and  a  trout  pond, 
and  she  had  set  out  on  its  borders  some  water  lilies,  pink 


58       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  white,  and  Showy  Ladies  and  other  wild  flowers,  and 
she  jest  doted  on  her  posy  garden  and  strawberry  beds,  and 
they'd  bought  two  or  three  hives  of  bees  in  pretty  boxes 
and  took  them  out  there;  they  had  rented  the  place  to  a 
old  couple  till  they  wanted  it  themselves.  And  every  holi 
day  and  Sunday  they  walked  out  to  their  own  place,  and  the 
sun  did  not  shine  any  brighter  on  their  little  home  than  the 
sun  of  hope  and  happiness  did  in  their  hearts  as  they  pic 
tured  their  life  there  in  that  cozy  nest. 

And  Alan  Thorne,  after  he  loved  Waitstill,  not  only  tried 
to  win  outward  success  for  her  sake;  he  tried  to  weed  out 
all  the  weaknesses  of  his  nater,  to  make  himself  more  worthy 
of  her.  He  said  to  himself  when  he  would  go  to  see  her, 
he  would  "  robe  his  soul  in  holiest  purpose  as  for  God  him 
self."  His  pa  had  at  one  time  in  his  life  drank  considerable, 
but  he  wuz  not  a  drunkard,  and  he  wuz  a  good  bizness  man 
when  the  fever  carried  him  off,  and  his  young  wife  out  of 
the  world  the  same  year.  Well,  Alan  wuz  jest  as  industrious 
as  he  could  be,  and  with  his  happy  future  to  look  forward 
to  and  Waitstill's  love  and  beloved  presence  to  prop  up  his 
manhood,  everything  promised  a  fair  and  happy  life  for 
them  both;  till,  like  a  thunder-cloud  out  of  a  clear  sky  come 
that  deafening  report  from  Spanish  brutality  that  blew  up 
the  Maine  and  this  nation's  peace  and  tranquillity.  Dretful 
deed !  Awful  calamity !  that  sent  three  hundred  of  our  brave 
seamen  onprepared  to  meet  their  God — without  a  second's 
warning.  Awful  deed  that  cried  to  heaven  for  pity!  But 
did  it  bring  back  these  brave  fellows  sleeping  in  Havana 
harbor  to  their  mothers,  wives  and  sweethearts,  to  have 
thousands  more  added  to  the  list  of  the  slain? 

"  Remember  the  Maine! "  How  these  words  echoed 
from  pulpit  and  Senate  and  palace  and  hovel;  how  they  wuz 
sung  in  verse,  printed  in  poems,  printed  in  flaming  lines  of 
electric  light  everywhere!  From  city  to  country,  you  saw 
and  heard  these  words,  "  Remember  the  Maine! " 

I  wondered  then  and  I  wonder  now  if  the  spirit  of  re- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  8 1  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       59 

venge  that  swep'  through  our  nation  at  that  time  wuz  the 
spirit  of  the  Master. 

I  d'no  nor  Josiah  don't,  whether  it  wuz  right  and  best 
to  influence  the  souls  of  the  young  till  they  burnt  at  white 
heat  with  the  spirit  that  our  Lord  said  his  disciples  must 
avoid,  for  said  he :  "  Vengeance  is  mine,  saith  the  Lord." 

Well,  it  is  a  deep  question,  deeper  than  I've  got  a  line 
to  measure;  and  Josiah's  line  and  mine  both  tied  together 
don't  begin  to  touch  the  bottom  on't,  for  we've  tried  it  time 
and  agin.  We've  argyed  aginst  each  other  about  it,  and 
jined  on  and  hitched  our  arguments  together,  and  they  didn't 
touch  bottom  then,  nor  begin  to.  As  Mrs.  Browning  said 
(a  woman  I  set  store  by,  and  always  did,  I've  hearn  Thomas 
J.  read  about  her  so  much) :  "  A  country's  a  thing  men 
should  die  for  at  need." 

Yes,  to  die  for,  if  its  safety  is  imperilled,  that  I  believe 
and  Josiah  duz,  but  I  have  eppisoded  about  it  a  sight,  I've 
had  to.  I  methought  how  this  nation  wuz  stirred  to  its 
deepest  depths;  how  it  seethed  and  boiled  with  indignation 
and  wrath  because  three  hundred  of  its  sons  wuz  killed  by 
ignorant  and  vicious  means ;  how  it  breathed  out  vengeance 
on  the  cause  that  slew  them;  how  it  called  To  Arms!  To 
Arms!  Remember  the  Maine!  But  how  cool  and  demute 
it  stood,  or  ruther  sot,  and  see  every  year  sixty  thousand 
of  its  best  sons  slain  by  the  saloon,  ten-fold  more  cruel 
deaths,  too,  since  the  soul  and  mind  wuz  slain  before  their 
bodies  went.  No  cry  for  vengeance  as  the  long  procession 
of  the  dead  wheeled  by  the  doors  of  the  law-makers  of  the 
land;  no  cry:  "  To  arms!  to  arms!  Remember  the  Saloon." 
And  more  mysterious  still,  I  eppisoded  to  myself,  it  would 
have  looked  to  see  the  Government  rig  out  and  sell  to  the 
Spaniards  a  million  more  bombs  and  underground  mines  to 
blow  up  the  rest  of  our  ships  and  kill  thousands  more  of  our 
young  men.  Wouldn't  it  have  looked  dog  queer  to  the 
other  nations  of  the  world  to  have  seen  it  done? 

But  there  they  sot,  our  law-makers,  and  if  they  lifted 


60      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

their  eyes  at  all  to  witness  the  long  procession  of  the  dead 
drift  by,  sixty  thousand  corpses  yearly  slain  by  the  Saloon, 
if  they  lifted  their  eyes  at  all  to  look  at  the  ghastly  proces 
sion,  they  dropped  'em  agin  quick  as  they  could  so's  not  to 
delay  their  work  of  signin*  licenses,  makin'  new  laws,  fixin' 
over  old  ones,  and  writin'  permits  to  the  murderers  to  go 
on  with  their  butchery.  Queer  sight !  queer  in  the  sight  of 
other  nations,  in  the  sight  of  men  and  angels,  and  of  me  and 
Josiah. 

Well,  to  stop  eppisodin'  and  resoom  backwards  for  a 
spell.  Alan  Thorne  hearn  that  cry :  "  To  arms !  To  arms !  " 
And  his  very  soul  listened.  His  grandfathers  on  both  sides 
wuz  fighting  men;  at  school  and  college  he'd  been  trained 
in  a  soldier  regiment,  and  had  been  steeped  full  of  warlike 
idees,  and  they  all  waked  up  at  his  cry  for  vengeance.  He 
had  just  got  to  go;  it  wuz  to  be.  Heaven  and  Waitstill 
couldn't  help  it;  he  had  to  go;  he  went. 

Well,  Waitstill  read  his  letters  as  well  as  she  could 
through  her  blindin'  tears;  letters  at  first  full  of  love — the 
very  passion  of  love  and  tenderness  for  his  sweetheart,  and 
deathless  patriotism  and  love  for  his  country. 

But  bime-by  the  letters  changed  a  little  in  their  tones — 
they  wuzn't  so  full  of  love  for  his  country.  "  The  country," 
so  he  writ,  "  wuz  shamefully  neglecting  its  sons,  neglecting 
their  comfort."  He  writ  they  wuz  herded  together  in  quar 
ters  not  fit  for  a  dog,  with  insufficient  food;  putrid,  dretful 
food,  that  no  dog  would  or  could  eat.  No  care  taken  of  their 
health — and  as  for  the  health  of  their  souls,  no  matter  where 
they  wuz,  if  half  starved  or  half  clad,  the  Canteen  was  always 
present  with  'em;  if  they  could  git  nothin'  else  for  their 
comfort,  they  could  always  git  the  cup  that  the  Bible  sez: 
"  Cursed  is  he  that  puts  it  to  his  neighbor's  lips."  Doubly 
cursed  now — poisoned  with  adulteration,  makin'  it  a  still 
more  deadly  pizen. 

Well,  sickened  with  loathsome  food  he  could  not  eat, 
half  starved,  the  deadly  typhoid  hovering  over  the  wretched 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       61 

soldier,  is  it  any  wonder  that  as  the  tempter  held  the  glass 
to  his  lips  (the  tempter  being  the  Government  he  wuz  fight- 
in'  for)  the  tempted  yielded  and  drank? 

The  letters  Waitstill  got  grew  shorter  and  cooler,  as  the 
tempter  led  Alan  deeper  and  deeper  into  his  castle  of  Ruin 
where  the  demon  sets  and  gloats  over  its  victims.  When 
the  Canteen  had  done  its  work  on  the  crazed  brain  and  im- 
bruted  body,  other  sins  and  evils  our  Government  had  fur 
nished  and  licensed,  stood  ready  to  draw  him  still  further 
along  the  down-grade  whose  end  is  death. 

Finally  the  letters  stopped,  and  then  Waitstill,  whose 
heart  wuz  broke,  jined  the  noble  army  of  nurses  and  went 
forward  to  the  front,  always  hunting  for  the  one  beloved, 
and,  as  she  feared,  lost  to  her.  And  she  found  him.  The 
very  day  that  Alan  Thorne,  in  a  drunken  brawl,  killed  Ar- 
villy's  husband  with  a  bullet  meant  for  another  drunken 
youth,  these  wimmen  met.  A  rough  lookin'  soldier  knelt 
down  by  the  dead  man,  a  weepin'  woman  fell  faintin'  on  his 
still,  dead  heart;  this  soldier  ('twas  Arville)  wuz  sick  in  bed 
for  a  week,  Waitstill  tendin'  him,  or  her  I  might  as  well  say, 
for  Arville  owned  to  her  in  her  weakness  that  she  wuz  a 
woman;  yes,  Waitstill  tended  her  faithfully,  white  and  de- 
mute  with  agony,  but  kep'  up  with  the  hope  that  the  Gov 
ernment  that  had  ruined  her  lover  would  be  lenient  towards 
the  crime  it  had  caused.  For  she  reasoned  it  out  in  a 
woman's  way.  She  told  Arvilly  "  that  Alan  would  never 
have  drank  had  not  the  Government  put  the  cup  to  his  lips, 
and  of  course  the  Government  could  not  consistently  con 
demn  what  it  had  caused  to  be."  She  reasoned  it  out  from 
what  she  had  learnt  of  justice  and  right  in  the  Bible. 

But  Arvilly  told  her — for  as  quick  as  she  got  enough 
strength  she  wuz  the  same  old  Arvilly  agin,  only  ten  times 
more  bent  on  fightin'  aginst  the  Drink  Demon  that  mur 
dered  her  husband.  Sez  Arvilly:  "You  don't  take  into 
consideration  the  Tariff  and  Saloon  arguments  of  apologizin' 
Church  and  State,  the  tax  money  raised  from  dead  men, 


62   AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  ruined  lives  and  broken  hearts  to  support  poor-houses 
and  jails  and  police  to  take  care  of  their  victims,"  No; 
Waitstill  reasoned  from  jest  plain  Bible,  but  of  course  she 
found  out  her  mistake,  Arvilly  said :  "  You'll  find  the  nation 
that  opens  its  sessions  with  prayer,  and  engraves  on  its 
money,  '  In  God  We  Trust,'  don't  believe  in  such  things. 
You'll  find  their  prayers  are  to  the  liquor  dealers ;  their  Go.d 
is  the  huge  idol  of  Expediency." 

Alan  Thorne  wuz  hung  for  the  murder,  guilty,  so  the 
earthly  court  said.  But  who  wuz  sot  down  guilty  in  God's 
great  book  of  Justice  that  day?  Arvilly  believes  that  over 
Alan.  Thome's  name  wuz  printed: 

"  Alan  Thorne,  foolish  boy,  tempted  and  ondone  by  the 
country  he  was  trying  to  save."  And  then  this  sentence  in 
fiery  flame: 

"  The  United  States  of  America,  guilty  of  murder  in 
the  first  degree." 

Dretful  murder,  to  take  the  life  of  the  one  that  loved  it 
and  wuz  tryin'  to  save  it. 

Well,  Arvilly's  last  thing  to  love  wuz  taken  from  her 
cruelly,  and  when  she  got  strong  enough  she  sot  off  for 
Jonesville  in  her  soldier  clothes,  for  she  thought  she  would 
wear  'em  till  she  got  away,  but  she  wuz  brung  back  as  a 
deserter  and  Waitstill  stood  by  her  durin'  her  trial,  and  after 
Alan's  death  she  too  wuz  smit  down,  like  a  posy  in  a  cy 
clone.  Arvilly,  in  her  own  clothes  now,  tended  her  like  a 
mother,  and  as  soon  as  she  wuz  able  to  travel  took  her  back 
to  Jonesville,  where  they  make  their  home  together,  two 
widders,  indeed,  though  the  weddin'  ring  don't  show  on 
one  of  their  hands. 

Waitstill  goes  about  doin'  good,  waitin'  kinder  still,  some 
like  her  name,  till  the  Lord  sends  her  relief  by  the  angel 
that  shall  stand  one  day  in  all  our  homes.  She  don't  talk 
much. 

But  Arvilly's  grief  is  different.     She  told  me  one  day 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       63 

when  I  wuz  tellin'  her  to  chirk  up  and  be  more  cheerful  and 
comfortable : 

"  I  don't  want  to  be  comfortable;  I  don't  want  to  feel 
any  different." 

"  Whyee,  Arvilly ! "  sez  I,  "  don't  you  want  to  see  any 
happiness  agin?  " 

"  No,  I  don't,"  sez  she,  "  I  don't  want  to  take  a  minute's 
comfort  and  ease  while  things  are  in  the  state  they  be." 
Sez  she,  "  Would  you  want  to  set  down  happy,  and  rock, 
and  eat  peanuts,  if  you  knew  that  your  husband  and  children 
wuz  drowndin'  out  in  the  canal?  " 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  no,  indeed !  I  should  rush  out  there  bare 
headed,  and  if  I  couldn't  save  'em,  would  feel  like  dyin'  with 
'em." 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  short  as  pie  crust,  "  that's  jest  how  I 
feel." 

I  believe  and  so  Josiah  duz  that  Arvilly  would  walk  right 
up  to  a  loaded  cannon  and  argy  with  it  if  s«he  thought  it 
would  help  destroy  the  Saloon,  and  after  she  had  convinced 
the  cannon  she  would  be  perfectly  willin'  to  be  blowed  up 
by  it  if  the  Saloon  wuz  blowed  up  too. 

Well,  I  sot  thinkin'  of  all  this  till  Tommy  waked  up  and 
we  all  went  out  into  the  dining  car  and  had  a  good  meal. 
We  wuz  a  little  over  two  days  goin'  from  Salt  Lake  City 
to  San  Francisco,  and  durin'  that  time  I  calculated  that  I 
eat  enough  dirt,  that  bitter  alkali  sand,  to  last  lawful  all  my 
life.  I  believe  one  peck  of  dirt  is  all  the  law  allows  one  per 
son  to  consume  durin'  their  life.  It  seems  as  if  I  eat  more 
than  enough  to  meet  legal  requirements  for  me  and  Josiah, 
and  I  seemed  to  have  a  thick  coatin'  of  it  on  my  hull  person. 
And  poor  little  Tommy !  I  tried  to  keep  his  face  clean  and 
that  wuz  all  I  could  do. 

But  as  we  drew  nearer  to  California  the  weather  became 
so  balmy  and  delightful  that  it  condoned  for  much  that 
wuz  onpleasant,  and  I  sez  to  myself,  the  lovely  views  I  have 


64      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

seen  between  Chicago  and  California  I  shall  never  forgit 
as  long  as  memory  sets  up  in  her  high  chair. 

What  a  panorama  it  wuz — beautiful,  grand,  delightful, 
majestic,  sublime — no  words  of  mine  can  do  it  justice.  No. 
I  can  never  describe  the  views  that  opened  on  our  admirin' 
and  almost  awe-struck  vision  as  the  cars  advanced  through 
natural  openin's  in  the  mountains  and  anon  artificial  ones. 

Why,  I  had  thought  that  the  hill  in  front  of  old  Grout 
Nickelson's  wuz  steep,  and  the  road  a  skittish  one  that 
wound  around  it  above  the  creek.  But  imagine  goin'  along 
a  road  where  you  could  look  down  thousands  of  feet  into 
running  water,  and  right  up  on  the  other  side  of  you  moun 
tains  thousands  of  feet  high.  And  you  between,  poor  specks 
of  clay  with  only  a  breath  of  steam  to  keep  you  agoin'  and 
prevent  your  dashin'  down  into  that  enormous  abyss. 

But  Grandeur  sot  on  them  mountain  tops,  Glory  wuz 
enthroned  on  them  sublime  heights  and  depths,  too  beau 
tiful  for  words  to  describe,  too  grand  for  human  speech 
to  reproduce  agin,  the  soul  felt  it  and  must  leave  it  to 
other  souls  to  see  and  feel. 

On,  on  through  mountain,  valley,  gorge  and  summit, 
waves  of  green  foliage,  rocks  all  the  beautiful  colors  of  the 
rainbow,  majestic  shapes,  seemin'ly  fashioned  for  a  home 
for  the  gods;  white  peaks — sun-glorified,  thousands  of  feet 
high  with  blue  sky  above;  ravines  thousands  of  feet  deep 
with  a  glint  of  blue  water  in  the  depths,  seemin'  to  mirror 
to  us  the  truth  that  God's  love  and  care  wuz  over  and  un 
der  us.  And  so  on  and  on;  valleys,  mountains,  clear  lakes, 
forests  and  broad  green  fields,  tree  sheltered  farms,  and 
anon  the  broad  prairie.  It  wuz  all  a  panorama  I  never 
tired  of  lookin'  at,  and  lasted  all  the  way  to  California. 

As  our  stay  wuz  to  be  so  short  in  San  Francisco,  Miss 
Meechim  and  Dorothy  thought  it  would  be  best  to  go  to  a 
hotel  instead  of  openin'  Dorothy's  grand  house;  so  we  all 
went  to  the  tarven  Miss  Meechim  picked  out,  the  beauti- 
fullest  tarven  that  ever  I  sot  eyes  on,  it  seemed  to  me,  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       66 

the  biggest  one.  Havin'  felt  the  swayin',  jiggerin'  motion 
of  the  cars  so  long,  it  wuz  indeed  a  blessin'  to  set  my  foot 
on  solid  ground  once  more,  and  Tommy  and  I  wuz  soon 
ensconced  in  a  cozy  room,  nigh  Miss  Meechim's  sweet 
rooms.  For  she  still  insisted  on  callin'  their  rooms  sweet, 
and  I  wouldn't  argy  with  her,  for  I  spoze  they  did  seem 
sweet  to  her. 

Tommy  wuz  tired  out  and  I  had  to  take  him  in  my  arms 
and  rock  him,  after  we'd  had  our  supper,  a  good  meal  which 
Miss  Meechim  had  brung  up  into  their  settin'-room,  though 
I  insisted  on  payin'  my  part  on't  (she's  a  good  creater, 
though  weak  in  some  ways).  Well  I  rocked  Tommy  and 
sung  to  him : 

"  Sweet  fields  beyend  the  swellin'  flood." 

And  them  sweet  fields  in  my  mind  wuz  our  own  orchard 
and  paster,  and  the  swellin'  flood  I  thought  on  wuzn't  death's 
billers,  but  the  waters  that  rolled  between  California  and 
Jonesville. 

Not  one  word  'had  I  hearn  from  my  pardner  sence  leavin' 
New  York. 

"Oh,  dear  Josiah!  When  shall  I  see  thee  agin?"  So 
sung  my  heart,  or  ruther  chanted,  a  deep  solemn  chant. 
"  Where  art  thou,  Josiah,  and  when  shall  we  meet  agin  ? 
And  why,  why  do  I  not  hear  from  thee?" 

The  next  mornin'  after  we  arrived  at  San  Francisco, 
Robert  Strong  appeared  at  the  hotel  bright  and  early,  and 
I  don't  know  when  I've  ever  seen  anybody  I  liked  so  well. 
Miss  Meechim  invited  me  into  her  settin'-room  to  see  him. 

Havin'  hearn  so  much  about  his  deep,  earnest  nater  and 
deathless  desire  to  do  all  the  good  he  could  whilst  on  his 
earthly  pilgrimage,  I  expected  to  see  a  grave,  quiet  man 
with  lines  of  care  and  conflict  engraved  deep  on  his  sober, 
solemn  visage. 

But  I  wuz  never  more  surprised  to  see  a  bright,  laughin', 


66   AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

happy  face  that  smiled  back  into  mine  as  Albina  Meeohim 
proudly  introduced  her  nephew  to  me. 

Why,  thinkses  I  to  myself,  where  can  such  strength  of 
character,  such  noble  purpose,  such  original  and  successful 
business  habits  be  hidden  in  that  handsome,  smilin'  face  and 
them  graceful,  winnin'  ways,  as  he  laughed  and  talked  with 
his  aunt  and  Dorothy. 

But  anon  at  some  chance  word  of  blame  and  criticism 
from  Miss  Meechim,  makin'  light  of  his  City  of  Justice  and 
its  inhabitants,  a  light  blazed  up  in  his  eyes  and  lit  up  his 
face,  some  as  a  fire  in  our  open  fireplace  lights  up  the  spare- 
room,  and  I  see  stand  out  for  a  minute  on  the  background 
of  his  fair  handsome  face  a  picture  of  heroism,  love,  en 
deavor  that  fairly  stunted  me  for  a  time.  And  I  never  felt 
afterwards  anything  but  perfect  confidence  in  him;  no  mat 
ter  how  light  and  trifling  wuz  his  talk  with  Dorothy,  or  how 
gay  and  boyishly  happy  wuz  his  clear  laughter. 

He  had  worked  well  and  faithful,  givin'  his  hull  mind 
and  heart  to  his  endeavor  to  do  all  the  good  he  could,  and 
now  he  wuz  bound  to  play  well,  and  git  all  the  good  and 
rest  he  could  out  of  his  play  spell.  And  I  hadn't  been  with 
'em  more'n  several  hours  before  I  thought  that  I  had  seen 
further  into  his  heart  and  hopes  and  intentions  than  Miss 
Meechim  had  in  all  her  born  days. 

Robert  Strong,  before  he  went  away,  invited  us  all  to 
go  and  see  his  City  of  Justice,  and  we  agreed  with  consid 
erable  satisfaction  to  do  so,  or  at  least  I  did  and  I  spoze  the 
rest  did.  Miss  Meechim  would  be  happy  in  any  place  where 
her  nephew  wuz,  that  you  could  see  plain,  as  much  as  she 
disapproved  of  his  methods.  Dorothy,  I  couldn't  see  so 
plain  what  she  did  think,  she  bein'  one  that  didn't  always 
let  her  lips  say  everything  her  heart  felt,  but  she  used  Rob 
ert  real  polite,  and  we  all  had  a  real  agreeable  visit 

Robert  got  a  big  carriage  and  took  us  all  out  driving 
that  afternoon,  Miss  Meechim  and  I  settin'  on  the  back 
seat,  and  Robert  and  Dorothy  facing  us,  and  Tommy; 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       67 

perched  on  Robert's  knee;  Tommy  jest  took  to  him,  and 
visey-versey.  Robert  thought  he  wuz  just  about  the  bright 
est  little  boy  he  had  ever  seen,  and  Tommy  sot  there,  a 
little  pale  but  happy,  and  wonnered  about  things,  and  Rob 
ert  answered  all  his  "  wonners  "  so  fur  as  he  could. 

We  drove  through  beautiful  streets  lined  with  elegant 
houses,  and  the  dooryards  wuz  a  sight.  Think  of  my  little 
scraggly  geraniums  and  oleanders  and  cactuses  I've  carried 
round  in  my  hands  all  winter  and  been  proud  on.  And  then 
think  of  geranium  and  oleander  trees  just  as  common  as 
our  maples  and  loaded  with  flowers.  And  palm  and  bananna 
trees,  little  things  we  brood  over  in  our  houses  in  the  winter, 
and  roses  that  will  look  spindlin'  with  me,  do  the  best  I  can, 
in  December,  all  growin'  out-doors  fillin'  the  air  with 
fragrance. 

Robert  Strong  said  we  must  go  to  the  Cliff  House,  and 
Tommy  wanted  to  see  the  seals. 

Poor  things!  I  felt  bad  to  see  'em  and  to  think  there 
wuz  a  war  of  extermination  tryin'  to  be  waged  aginst  'em, 
because  they  interfered  with  the  rights  of  a  few.  One  of 
the  most  interesting  animals  on  the  Western  continent !  It 
seems  too  bad  they're  tryin'  to  wipe  'em  out  of  existence  be 
cause  the  fishermen  say  they  eat  a  sammon  now  and  then. 
Why  shouldn't  they  who  more  than  half  belong  to  the  water- 
world  once  in  a  great  while  have  a  little  taste  of  the  good 
things  of  that  world  as  well  as  to  have  'em  all  devoured  by 
the  inhabitants  of  dry  land?  And  they  say  that  the  seals 
eat  sharks  too — I  should  think  that  that  paid  for  all  the 
good  fish  they  eat.  But  to  resoom.  Tommy  didn't  think  of 
the  rights  or  the  wrongs  of  the  seals,  he  had  no  disquietin' 
thoughts  to  mar  his  anticipations,  but  he  wonnered  if  he 
could  put  his  hands  through  'em  like  he  could  his  ma's  seal 
muff.  He  thought  that  they  wuz  muffs,  silk  lined — the 
idee !  And  he  "  wonnered  "  a  sight  when  he  see  the  great 
peaceable  lookin'  creeters  down  in  the  water  and  on  the 
rocks,  havin'  a  good  time,  so  fur  as  we  could  see,  in  their 


68      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

own  world,  and  mindin'  their  own  bizness;  not  tryin'  to  git 
ashore  and  kill  off  the  fishermen,  because  they  ketched  so 
many  sammons.  And  Tommy  had  to  feed  the  seals  and  do 
everything  he  could  do,  Robert  Strong  helpin'  him  in  every 
thing  he  undertook,  and  he  "  wonnered  "  if  they  would  ever 
be  changed  into  muffs,  and  he  "  wonnered  "  if  they  would 
like  to  be  with  "  ribbon  bows  on." 

At  my  request  we  went  through  Lone  Mountain  Ceme 
tery,  a  low  mountain  rising  from  the  sandy  beach  full  of 
graves  shaded  by  beautiful  trees  and  myriads  of  flowers 
bending  over  the  silent  sleepers,  the  resistless  sea  washing 
its  base  on  one  side — just  as  the  sea  of  Death  is  washing 
up  aginst  one  side  of  Life — no  matter  how  gay  and  happy 
it  is. 

We  rode  home  through  a  magnificent  park  of  two  thou 
sand  acres.  Money  had  turned  the  sandy  beach  into  a 
wealth  of  green  lawns,  beautiful  trees  and  myriads  of  flowers. 
I  had  always  sposed  that  them  Eastern  Genis  in  the  "  Ara 
bian  Nights  "  had  palaces  and  things  about  as  grand  and 
luxurious  as  they  make,  but  them  old  Genis  could  have  got 
lots  of  pinters  in  luxury  and  grand  surroundin's  if  they'd 
seen  the  homes  of  these  nabobs  in  the  environins  of  San 
Francisco.  No  tongue  can  tell  the  luxury  and  elegance  of 
them  abodes,  and  so  I  hain't  a  goin'  to  git  out  of  patience 
with  my  tongue  if  it  falters  and  gins  out  in  the  task. 


CHAPTER  VI 

HE  next  mornin'  while  Miss  Meechim  and 
Dorothy  wuz  to  the  lawyers,  tendin'  to  that 
bizness  of  hern  and  gittin'  ready  for  their  long 
tower,  Robert  Strong  took  me  through  one 
of  them  palaces.  It  stood  only  a  little  dis 
tance  from  the  city  and  wuz  occupied  by  one  old  gentleman, 
the  rest  of  the  family  havin'  died  off  and  married,  leavin' 
him  alone  in  his  glory.  Well  said,  for  glory  surrounded  the 
hull  spot. 

There  wuz  three  hundred  acres,  all  gardens  and  lawns 
and  a  drivin'  park  and  a  park  full  of  magestick  old  live 
oaks,  and  acres  and  acres  of  the  most  beautiful  flowers  and 
all  the  choicest  fruit  you  could  think  of. 

The  great  stately  mansion  was  a  sight  to  go  through — 
halls,  libraries,  gilded  saloons,  picture  galleries,  reception 
halls  lined  with  mirrors,  billiard  rooms,  bowling  alleys,  what 
ever  that  may  be,  dining  rooms,  with  mirrors  extending 
from  the  floor  to  the  lofty  ceilin's. 

I  wondered  if  the  lonely  old  occupant  ever  see  reflected 
in  them  tall  mirrors  the  faces  of  them  who  had  gone  from 
him  as  he  sot  there  at  that  table,  like  some  Solomon  on  his 
throne.  But  all  he  had  to  do  wuz  to  press  his  old  foot  on  a 
electric  bell  under  the  table,  and  forty  servants  would  enter. 
But  I'dno  as  he'd  want  'em  all — I  shouldn't — it  would  take 
away  my  appetite,  I  believe.  Twenty  carriages  of  all  kinds 
and  thirty  blooded  horses  wuz  in  his  stables,  them  stables 
bein'  enough  sight  nicer  than  any  dwellin'  house  in  Jones- 
ville. 

But  what  did  that  feeble  old  man  want  of  twenty  car 
riages?  To  save  his  life  he  couldn't  be  in  more  than  one 


to  a  time;  and  I  am  that  afraid  of  horses,  I  felt  that  I 
wouldn't  swap  the  old  mair  for  the  hull  on  'em. 

At  my  strong  request  we  made  a  tower  one  day  to  see 
Stanford  University,  that  immense  schoolhouse  that  is  doin' 
so  much  good  in  the  world;  why,  good  land!  it  is  larger 
than  you  have  any  idee  on;  why,  take  all  the  schoolhouses 
in  Jonesville  and  Loontown  and  Zoar  and  put  'em  all  to 
gether,  and  then  add  to  them  all  the  meetin'  houses  in  all 
them  places  and  then  it  wouldn't  be  half  nor  a  quarter  so 
big  as  this  noble  schoolhouse. 

And  the  grounds  about  it  are  beautiful,  beautiful!  We 
wuz  shown  through  the  buildin',  seein'  all  the  helps  to  learn 
ing  of  all  kinds  and  the  best  there  is  in  the  world.  And  how 
proud  I  felt  to  think  what  one  of  my  own  sect  had  done  in 
that  great  werk.  How  the  cross  of  agony  laid  on  her  shoul 
ders  had  turned  to  light  that  will  help  guide  over  life's  tem- 
pestenus  ten  millions  yet  onborn.  And  I  sez :  "  How  happy 
young  Leeland  must  be  to  know  his  death  has  done  such 
grand  work,  and  to  see  it  go  on." 

"Why,"  sez  Meechim,  "how  could  he  see  it?  He's 
dead." 

Sez  I :  "  Don't  you  spoze  the  Lord  would  let  him  see 
what  a  great  light  his  death  has  lit  up  in  the  werld.  In  my 
opinion  he  wuz  right  there  to-day  lookin'  at  it." 

"  That  is  impossible,"  sez  she.  "  If  he  wuz  there  we 
should  have  seen  him." 

Sez  I :  "  You  don't  see  the  x-rays  that  are  all  about  you 
this  very  minute;  but  they  are  there.  You  can't  see  the 
great  force  Marconi  uses  to  talk  with,  but  it  walks  the  earth, 
goes  right  through  mountains,  which  you  and  I  can't  do, 
Miss  Meechim.  It  is  stronger  than  the  solid  earth  or  rock. 
That  shows  the  power  of  the  invisible,  that  what  we  call  the 
real  is  the  transitory  and  weak,  the  invisible  is  the  lasting 
and  eternal.  What  we  have  seen  to-day  is  sorrow  chrystal- 
ized  into  grand  shapes.  A  noble  young  heart's  ideal  and 
asperations  wrought  out  by  loveng  memory  in  brick  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       71 

mortar.  The  invisible  guiding  the  eye,  holding  the  hand  of 
the  visible  building  for  time  and  eternity." 

Miss  Meechim's  nose  turned  up  and  she  sniffed  some. 
She  wuz  a  foreigner,  how  could  she  know  what  I  said  ?  But 
Dorothy  and  Robert  seemed  to  understand  my  language, 
though  they  couldn't  speak  it  yet.  And  good  land !  I  hain't 
learnt  its  A  B  C's  yet,  and  don't  spoze  I  shall  till  I  git  pro 
moted  to  a  higher  school. 

Well,  it  wuz  on  a  lovely  afternoon  that  we  all  went  out 
to  the  City  of  Justice,  and  there  I  see  agin  what  great  wealth 
might  do  in  lightening  the  burdens  of  a  sad  world.  Robert 
Strong  might  have  spent  his  money  jest  as  that  old  man 
did  whose  place  I  have  described,  and  live  in  still  better 
style,  for  Robert  Strong  wuz  worth  millions.  But  he  felt 
different;  he  felt  as  if  he  wanted  his  capital  to  lighten  the 
burden  on  the  aching  back  of  bowed  down  and  tired  out 
Labor,  and  let  it  stand  up  freer  aiad  straighter  for  a  spell. 
He  felt  that  he  could  enjoy  his  wealth  more  if  it  wuz  shared 
accordin'  to  the  Bible,  that  sez  if  you  have  two  coats  give 
to  him  that  hasn't  any,  and  from  the  needy  turn  not  thou 
away. 

That  big  building,  or  ruther  that  cluster  and  village  of 
buildings,  didn't  need  any  steeples  to  tell  its  mission  to  the 
world.  Lots  of  our  biggest  meetin'  houses  need  'em  bad 
to  tell  folks  what  they  stand  for.  If  it  wuzn't  for  them 
steeples  poor  folks  who  wander  into  'em  out  of  their  stifling 
alleys  and  dark  courts  wouldn't  mistrust  what  they  wuz  for. 
They  would  see  the  elegantly  dressed  throng  enter  and  pass 
over  carpeted  aisles  into  their  luxuriously  cushioned  pews, 
and  kneel  down  on  soft  hassocks  and  pray :  "  Thy  kingdom 
come,"  and  "  Give  us  this  day  our  daily  bread,"  and  "  give 
us  what  we  give  others."  These  poor  folks  can't  go  nigh 
'em,  for  the  usher  won't  let  'em,  but  they  meet  'em  through 
the  week,  or  hear  of  'em,  and  know  that  they  do  all  in  their 
power  to  keep  his  kingdom  of  Love  and  Justice  away  from 
the  world.  They  herd  in  their  dark,  filthy,  death-cursed 


72      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

tenements,  not  fit  for  beasts,  owned  by  the  deacon  of  that 
church,  and  all  the  week  run  the  gauntlet  of  those  drink 
hells,  open  to  catch  all  their  hard-earned  pennies,  owned  by 
the  warden  and  vestrymen  and  upheld  by  the  clergymen 
and  them  high  in  authority,  and  extolled  as  the  Poor  Man's 
Club.  Wimmen  who  see  their  husbands  enticed  to  spend 
all  their  money  there  and  leave  them  and  their  children 
starving  and  naked;  mothers  who  see  their  young  boys  in 
whom  they  tried  to  save  a  spark  of  their  childish  innocence 
ground  over  in  these  mills  of  the  devil  into  brutal  ruffians 
who  strike  down  the  care-worn  form  of  the  one  that  bore 
them  in  agony,  and  bent  over  their  cradle  with  a  mother's 
love  and  hope.  As  they  see  all  this,  and  know  that  this  is 
the  true  meaning  of  the  prayers  put  up  in  them  elegant 
churches,  don't  they  need  steeples  to  tell  that  they're  built 
to  show  Christ's  love  and  justice  to  the  world?  Yes,  indeed; 
they  need  steeples  and  high  ones,  too. 

But  this  city  of  Robert  Strong's  didn't  need  steeples,  as 
I  say.  It  wuz  Christianity  built  in  bricks  and  mortar,  prac 
tical  religion  lived  right  before  'em  from  day  to  day,  com 
fortable  houses  for  workmen,  which  they  could  hope  to  earn 
and  call  their  own.  Pleasant  homes  where  happy  love  could 
dwell  in  content,  because  no  danger  stood  round,  hid  in 
saloons  to  ruin  husband,  son  and  father;  comfortable  houses 
where  health  and  'happiness  could  dwell.  Good  wages, 
stiddy  work,  and  a  share  in  all  the  profits  made  there ;  good 
hard  work  whilst  they  did  work,  ensurin'  success  and  pros 
perity;  but  short  hours,  ensurin'  sunthin'  beyond  wages. 

A  big  house,  called  a  Pleasure  House,  stood  in  the  centre 
of  the  broad,  handsome  streets,  a  sort  of  a  centrepiece  from 
which  streams  of  happiness  and  health  flowed  through  the 
hull  city,  some  as  them  little  rills  of  pure  snow  water  flowed 
through  the  streets  of  Salt  Lake  and  Denver.  Where  all 
sorts  of  innocent  recreation  could  be  found  to  suit  all  minds 
and  ages.  A  big  library  full  of  books.  A  museum  full  of 
the  riches  of  science  and  art.  A  big  music  hall  where  lov- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J03IAH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE      78 

crs  of  music  could  find  pleasure  at  any  time,  and  where 
weekly  concerts  was  given,  most  of  the  performers  being  of 
the  musically  inclined  amongst  the  young  people  in  the  City 
of  Justice.  A  pretty  little  theatre  where  they  could  act  out 
little  plays  and  dramas  of  a  helpful,  inspirin'  sort.  A  big 
gymnasium  full  of  the  best  appliances  and  latest  helps  to 
physical  culture.  A  large  bathing  tank  where  the  white 
marble  steps  led  down  to  cool,  sweet  waters  flowing  through 
the  crystal  pool,  free  to  all  who  wanted  to  use  it.  A  free 
telephone  linking  the  hull  place  together.  I  roamed  along 
through  the  beautiful  streets  and  looked  on  the  happy, 
cheerful-faced  workmen,  who  thronged  them  now,  for  their 
short  day's  work  wuz  ended  and  they  wuz  goin'  home.  My 
heart  swelled  almost  to  bustin'  and  I  sez  almost  unbeknown 
to  myself,  to  Robert  Strong  who  wuz  walkin'  by  my  side: 
"  We  read  about  the  New  Jerusalem  comin*  down  to  earth, 
and  if  I  didn't  know,  Robert  Strong,  that  you  had  founded 
this  city  yourself,  I  should  think  that  this  wuz  it." 

He  laughed  his  boyish  laugh,  but  I  see  the  deep  meanin' 
in  his  clear,  gray  eyes  and  knew  what  he  felt,  though  his 
words  wuz  light. 

"Oh  no,"  sez  he,  f'we  read  that  those  gates  are  pearl; 
these  are  just  common  wood,  turned  out  by  my  workmen.** 

Sez  I,  "  The  pearl  of  love  and  good  will  to  man,  the 
precious  stun  of  practical  religion  and  justice  shines  on  these 
gates  and  every  buildin'  here,  and  I  bless  the  Lord  that  I 
have  ever  lived  to  see  what  I  have  to-day."  And  I  took 
out  my  snowy  linen  handkerchief  and  shed  some  tears  on  it, 
I  was  so  affected. 

Robert  Strong  wuz  touched  to  his  heart,  I  see  he  wuz, 
but  kep'  up,  his  nater  bein'  such.  Miss  Meechim  and  Dor 
othy  wuz  walkin'  a  little  ahead,  Tommy  between  'em.  And 
anon  we  come  to  the  house  Robert  lived  in;  not  a  bit  better 
than  the  others  on  that  street,  but  a  nice  comfortable  struc 
ture  of  gray  stun  and  brick,  good  enough  for  anybody,  with 
wide  sunshiny  windows,  fresh  air,  sunshine,  plenty  of  books, 


74      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITS  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

musical  instruments  and  furniture  good  enough,  but  noth 
ing  for  show. 

Here  his  motherly-looking  housekeeper  spread  a  nice 
lunch  for  us.  His  overseer  dined  with  us,  a  good-looking 
chap,  devoted  to  Robert  Strong,  as  I  could  see,  and  ready 
to  carry  out  his  idees  to  the  full.  Miss  Meechim  couldn't 
find  anything,  it  seemed  to  me,  to  pick  flaws  in,  but  she  did 
say  to  me  out  to  one  side,  "  Just  think  how  Robert  lives  in 
a  house  no  better  than  his  workmen,  and  he  might  live  in 
a  palace." 

Sez  I,  warmly,  "  Robert  Strong's  body  may  stay  in  this 
comfortable  brick  house,  good  enough  for  anybody,  but  the 
real  Robert  Strong  dwells  in  a  royal  palace,  his  soul  inhab 
its  the  temple  of  the  Lord,  paved  with  the  gold  and  pearl 
of  justice  and  love,  and  its  ruff  reaches  clear  up  into  heaven 
from  where  he  gits  the  air  his  soul  breathes  in." 

"  Do  you  think  so?  I  never  thought  of  it  in  that  light; 
I  have  thought  his  ideas  was  erroneous  and  so  my  clergy 
man  thinks.  Rev.  Dr.  Weakdew  said  to  me  there  were  a 
great  many  texts  that  he  had  preached  from  all  his  life,  that 
if  these  ideas  of  Robert's  was  carried  out  universally,  would 
be  destroyed  and  rendered  meaningless.  Texts  it  had  al 
ways  been  such  a  comfort  to  him  to  preach  from,  he  said, 
admonishing  the  poor  of  their  duty  to  the  rich,  and  comfort 
ing  the  poor  and  hungry  and  naked  with  assurances  that 
though  hungry  here  they  may  partake  of  the  bread  of  life 
above,  if  they  are  humble  and  patient  and  endure  to  the  end, 
and  though  shivering  and  naked  here,  they  may  be  clothed 
in  garments  of  light  above." 

And  I  sez,  "  Bern'  that  we  are  all  in  this  world  at  pres 
ent,  I  believe  the  Lord  would  ruther  we  should  cover  the 
naked  limbs  and  feed  the  starvin'  bodies  here,  and  now, 
and  leave  the  futur  to  Him." 

But  Miss  Meechim  shook  her  head  sadly.  "  It  sounds 
well,"  sez  she,  "  but  there  is  something  wrong  in  any  belief 
that  overthrows  Scripture  and  makes  the  poor  wealthy." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE       75 

rt  Well,"  sez  I,  "  if  it  wuz  our  naked  backs  that  the  snow 
fell  on,  and  the  hail  pelted,  and  our  stomachs  that  wuz  achin' 
and  faint  for  food,  we  should  sing  a  different  tune." 

"  I  trust  that  I  should  sing  a  Gospel  tune  in  any  event," 
sez  she. 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  we  needn't  quarrel  about  that,  for  we 
couldn't  feel  much  like  singin'  in  them  cases.  But  if  we  did 
sing  I  think  a  good  hymn  would  be: 

Blest  be  the  tie  that  binds 
Our  hearts  in  Christian  love. 

"  And  if  the  rich  and  poor,  Capital  and  Labor  would  all 
jine  in  and  sing  this  from  the  heart  the  very  winders  of 
heaven  would  open  to  hear  the  entrancin*  strains,"  sez  I. 
But  I  don't  spoze  I  changed  her  mind  any. 

Dorothy  bein'  naterally  so  smart,  wuz  impressed  by  all 
we  had  seen,  I  could  see  she  wuz,  and  when  he  wuzn't  look- 
in*  at  her  I  could  see  her  eyes  rest  on  Robert  Strong's  face 
with  a  new  expression  of  interest  and  approval.  But  she 
wuz  full  of  light,  happiness  and  joy — as  she  ort  to  be  in  her 
bright  youth — and  she  and  Robert  and  Miss  Meechim  spoke 
of  the  trip  ahead  on  us  with  happy  anticipations. 

But  I — oh,  that  deep,  holler  room  in  my  heart  into  which 
no  stranger  looked;  that  room  hung  with  dark,  sombry 
black ;  remembrances  of  him  the  great  ocean  wuz  a-goin'  to 
sever  me  from — he  on  land  and  I  on  sea — ten  thousand 
miles  of  land  and  water  goin'  to  separate  us;  how  could  I 
bear  it,  how  wuz  I  goin'  to  stand  it?  I  kep'  up,  made  re 
marks  and  answered  'em  mekanically,  but  oh,  the  feelin's  I 
felt  on  the  inside.  How  little  can  we  tell  in  happy  lookin' 
crowds  how  many  of  the  gay  throng  hear  the  rattle  of  their 
own  private  skeletons  above  the  gayest  music! 

Well,  we  got  home  to  the  Palace  hotel  in  good  season, 
I  a-talkin'  calmly  and  cheerfully,  but  sayin'  in  the  inside, 
"  'Mid  pleasures  and  palaces  though  we  may  roam,  be  it 


76      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

ever  so  humbly  there  is  no  place  like  home."  My  home 
wuz  my  pardner,  the  place  where  he  wuz  would  look  better 
than  any  palace, 

I  went  up  to  my  room  and  after  gettin'  Tommy  to  bed, 
who  wuz  cross  and  sleepy,  I  finished  the  letter  to  my  help, 
for  we  wuz  goin'  to  start  in  the  mornin'. 

"  Oh,  Philury !  "  the  letter  run,  "  my  feelin's,  you  cannot 
parse  'em,  even  if  you  wuz  better  grounded  in  grammar 
than  I  think  you  be.  Not  one  word  from  my  beloved  pard 
ner  do  I  hear — is  Josiah  dead  ?  "  sez  I.  "  But  if  he  is  don't 
tell  me;  I  could  not  survive,  and  Tommy  has  got  to  be  went 
with.  But  oh!  if  sickness  and  grief  for  me  has  bowed  that 
head,  bald,  but  most  precious  to  me,  deal  with  him  as  you 
would  deal  with  a  angel  unawares.  Bile  his  porridge,  don't 
slight  it  or  let  it  be  lumpy,  don't  give  him  dish-watery  tea, 
brile  his  toast  and  make  his  beef  tea  as  you  would  read  chap 
ters  of  scripter — carefully  and  not  with  eye  service.  Hang 
my  picter  on  the  wall  at  the  foot  of  the  bed,  and  if  it  affects 
him  too  much,  hang  my  old  green  braize  veil  over  it,  you'll 
find  it  in  the  hall  cupboard." 

But  why  should  I  sadden  and  depress  the  hearts  of  a 
good  natered  public?  I  writ  seven  sheets  of  foolscap,  and 
added  to  what  I  had  already  writ,  it  made  it  too  big  to  send 
by  mail,  so  I  put  it  in  a  collar  box  and  sent  it  by  express, 
charges  paid,  for  I  knew  the  dear  man  it  wuz  addressed  to, 
if  he  wuz  still  able  to  sense  anything,  would  like  it  better  that 
way.  And  then  my  letter  sent  off  I  begun  to  pack  my  hair 
trunk  anew. 

Well,  the  day  dawned  gloriously.  I  spoze  I  must  have 
slep'  some,  for  when  I  opened  my  eyes  I  felt  refreshed. 
Tommy  wuz  awake  in  his  little  bed  and  "  wonnerin'  "  at 
sunthin'  I  spoze,  for  he  always  wuz,  and  breakfast  wuz  par 
took  of  by  the  hull  party,  for  Robert  Strong  had  come  with 
a  big  carriage  to  take  us  to  the  ship  and  took  breakfast  with 
us,  and  soon,  too  soon  for  me,  we  stood  on  the  wharf,  sur 
rounded  by  a  tumultous  crowd,  goin'  every  which  way; 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       7 7 

passengers  goin',  visitors  comin',  and  officials  from  the  ship 
goin'  about  tending  to  everything;  trunks  and  baggage  be 
ing  slammed  down  and  then  anon  being  run  onto  the  ship, 
Miss  Meechim's,  Dorothy's  and  Robert  Strong's  baggage 
piled  up  on  one  side  on  us  and  I  carefully  keepin'  watch  and 
ward  over  a  small-sized  hair  trunk,  dear  to  me  as  my  apples 
in  my  eyes,  because  every  inch  on  it  seemed  to  me  like  a 
sooveneer  of  that  dear  home  I  might  never  see  agin, 

As  I  stood  holdin'  Tommy  by  the  hand  and  keepin'  eagle 
watch  over  that  trunk,  how  much  did  that  big  ship  look  like 
a  big  monster  that  wuz  agoin'  to  tear  my  heart  all  to  pieces, 
tearin'  my  body  from  the  ground  that  kep'  my  pardner  on 
its  bosom.  Tears  that  I  could  not  restrain  dribbled  down 
my  Roman  nose  and  onto  my  gray  alpacky  waist;  Dorothy 
see  'em  and  slipped  her  kind  little  hand  into  mine  and 
soothed  my  agony  by  gently  whisperin': 

"  Maybe  you'll  get  a  letter  from  him  on  the  ship,  Aunt 
Samantha." 

Well,  the  last  minute  come,  the  hair  trunk  had  been  tore 
from  my  side,  and  I,  too,  had  to  leave  terry  firmy,  whisperin' 
to  myself  words  that  I'd  hearn,  slightly  changed :  "  Farewell, 
my  Josiah !  and  if  forever,  still  forever  fare  thee  well."  My 
tears  blinded  me  so  I  could  only  jest  see  Tommy,  who  I  still 
held  hold  of.  I  reached  the  upper  deck  with  falterin'  steps. 
But  lo,  as  I  stood  there  wipin'  my  weepin'  eyes,  as  the  him 
sez,  I  hearn  sunthin'  that  rung  sweetly  and  clearly  on  my 
ears  over  all  the  conflicting  sounds  and  confusion,  and  that 
brung  me  with  wildly  beatin'  heart  to  the  side  of  the  ship. 

"  Samantha !  stop  the  ship !  wait  for  me !   I  am  comin' !  " 

Could  it  be?  Yes  it  wuz  my  own  beloved  pardner,  madly 
racin'  down  the  wharf,  swingin'  his  familiar  old  carpet 
satchel  in  his  hand,  also  huggin'  in  his  arms  a  big  bundle 
done  up  in  newspaper,  which  busted  as  he  reached  the 
water's  edge,  dribblin'  out  neckties,  bandanna  handker 
chiefs,  suspenders,  cookies,  and  the  dressin'  gown  with  tos- 
sels. 


78      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

He  scrambled  after  'em  as  well  as  he  could  in  his  fearful 
hurry,  and  his  arms  bein'  full,  he  threw  the  dressin'  gown 
round  his  shoulders  and  madly  raced  over  the  gang  plank, 
still  emitting  that  agonizing  cry :  "  Samantha,  wait  for  me ! 
stop  the  ship ! "  which  ke  kep'  up  after  I  had  advanced  on 
ward  and  he  held  both  my  hands  in  hisen. 

Oh,  the  bliss  of  that  moment!  No  angel  hand,  no  re 
porter  even  for  the  New  York  papers  could  exaggerate  the 
blessedness  of  that  time,  much  as  they  knew  about  exag 
geration.  Tears  of  pure  joy  ran  down  both  our  faces,  and 
all  the  sorrows  of  the  past  seperation  seemed  to  dissolve  in 
a  golden  mist  that  settled  down  on  everything  round  us  and 
before  us.  The  land  looked  good,  the  water  looked  good, 
the  sky  showered  down  joy  as  well  as  sunshine;  we  wuz 
together  once  more.  We  had  no  need  of  speech  to  voice 
our  joy;  but  anon  Josiah  did  say  in  tremblin'  axents  as  he 
pressed  both  my  hands  warmly  in  hisen :  "  Samantha,  I've 
come !  "  And  I,  too,  sez  in  a  voice  tremblin'  with  emotion : 

"  Dear  Josiah,  I  see  you  have."  And  then  I  sez  tenderly 
as  I  helped  him  off  with  the  dressin'  gown :  "  I  thought  you 
said  you  couldn't  leave  the  farm,  Josiah." 

"  Well,  I  wuz  leavin'  it;  I  wuz  dyin';  I  thought  I  might 
as  well  leave  it  one  way  as  t'other.  I  couldn't  live  without 
you,  and  finally  I  ketched  up  what  clothes  I  could  in  my 
hurry  and  sot  out,  thinkin'  mebby  I  could  ketch  you  in 
Chicago.  You  see  I  have  got  my  dressin'  gown  and  plenty 
of  neckties." 

"  Well,"  sez  I  in  my  boundless  joy  and  content,  "  there 
are  things  more  necessary  on  a  long  sea  voyage  than  neck 
ties,  but  I've  got  some  socks  most  knit,  and  I  can  buy  some 
underclothes,  and  we  will  git  along  first  rate."  "  Yes,  Arvilly 
said  so."  Sez  he,  "  Arvilly  told  me  you'd  manage." 

"Arvilly?"  sez  I,  in  surprised  axents. 

"  Yes,  Arvilly  concluded  to  come  too.  She  said  that  if 
you  hadn't  started  so  quick  she  should  have  come  with  you. 
But  when  she  found  out  I  was  comin'  she  jest  set  right  off 


'AROUND  TBB  WORLD  WITS  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       79 

with  me.  She's  brung  along  that  book'  she's  agent  for, 
*  The  Twin  Crimes  of  America :  Intemperance  and  Greed.' 
She  thinks  she  can  most  pay  her  way  sellin'  it.  She  jest 
stopped  on  the  wharf  to  try  to  sell  a  copy  to  a  minister. 
But  here  she  is."  And,  sure  enough,  she  that  wuz  Arvilly 
Lanfear  advanced,  puttin'  some  money  in  her  pocket,  she 
had  sold  her  book.  Well,  I  wuz  surprised,  but  glad,  for  I 
pitied  Arvilly  dretfully  for  what  she  had  went  through,  and 
liked  her.  Two  passengers  had  gin  up  goin'  at  the  last 
minute  or  they  couldn't  have  got  tickets. 

I  advanced  towards  her  and  sez :  "  Arvilly  Lanfear !  or 
she  that  wuz,  is  it  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I've  come,  and  if  ever  a  human  creeter  come 
through  sufferin'  I  have.  Why,  I've  been  agent  for  '  The 
Wild  Deeds  of  Men '  for  years  and  years,  but  I  never  knew 
anything  about  'em  till  I  come  on  this  tower.  I  thought 
that  I  should  never  git  that  man  here  alive.  He  has  wep' 
and  wailed  the  hull  durin'  time  for  fear  we  shouldn't  ketch 
you." 

"  Oh,  no,  Arvilly !  "  sez  the  joyous-lookin'  Josiah. 

"  I  can  prove  it ! "  sez  she,  catchin'  out  his  red  and  yel- 
ler  bandanna  handkerchief  from  his  hat,  where  he  always 
carries  it :  "  Look  at  that,  wet  as  sop ! "  sez  she,  as  she  held 
it  up.  It  wuz  proof,  Josiah  said  no  more. 

"  I  knew  we  should  ketch  you,  for  I  knew  you  would 
stop  on  the  way.  I  thought  I  would  meet  you  at  the  deepo 
to  surprise  you.  But  I  had  to  bank  my  house;  I  wuzn't 
goin'  to  leave  it  to  no  underlin'  and  have  my  stuff  freeze. 
But  when  I  hern  that  Josiah  wuz  comin'  I  jest  dropped  my 
spade — I  had  jest  got  done — ketched  up  my  book  and  threw 
my  things  into  my  grip,  my  trunk  wuz  all  packed,  and  here 
I  am,  safe  and  sound,  though  the  cars  broke  down  once  and 
we  wuz  belated.  We  have  just  traipsed  along  a  day  or  two 
behind  you  all  the  way  from  Chicago,  I  not  knowin'  whether 
I  could  keep  him  alive  or  not." 

Sez  I  fondly,  "What  devoted  love!" 


w  What  a  natural  fool ! "  sez  Arvilly.  "  Did  it  make  it 
any  better  for  him  to  cry  and  take  on  ?  That  day  we  broke 
down  and  had  to  stop  at  a  tarven  I  wuz  jest  mad  enough, 
and  writ  myself  another  chapter  on  '  The  Wild  Deeds  of 
Men/  and  am  in  hopes  that  the  publisher  will  print  it.  It 
will  help  the  book  enormously  I  know.  How  you've  stood 
it  with  that  man  all  these  years,  I  don't  see;  rampin'  round, 
tearin'  and  groanin'  and  actin'.  He  didn't  act  no  more  like 
a  perfessor  than — than  Captain  Kidd  would  if  he  had  been 
travelin'  with  a  neighborin'  female,  pursuin'  his  wife,  and 
that  female  doin'  the  best  she  could  for  him.  I  kep'  tellin' 
him  that  he  would  overtake  you,  but  I  might  as  well  have 
talked  to  the  wind — a  equinoctial  gale,"  sez  she.  Josiah 
wuz  so  happy  her  words  slipped  offen  him  without  his 
sensin'  'em  and  I  wuz  too  happy  to  dispute  or  lay  anything 
up,  when  she  went  on  and  sez: 

"  I  spoze  that  folks  thought  from  our  jawin'  so  much 
that  we  wuz  man  and  wife;  and  he  a  yellin'  out  acrost  the 
sleeper  and  kinder  cryin',  and  I  a  hollerin'  back  to  him  to 
'  shet  up  and  go  to  sleep ! '  It  is  the  last  time  I  will  ever 
try  to  carry  a  man  to  his  wife ;  but  I  spozed  when  I  started 
with  him,  he  bein'  a  perfessor,  he  would  act  different ! " 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  in  a  kind  of  a  soothin'  tone,  "  I'm  real 
glad  you've  come,  Arvilly ;  it  will  make  the  ship  seem  more 
like  Jonesville,  and  I  know  what  you  have  went  through." 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  "  no  other  livin'  woman  duz  unless  it  is 
you."  She  kep'  on  thinkin'  of  Josiah,  but  I  waved  off  that 
idee;  I  meant  her  tribulations  in  the  army.  And  I  sez, 
"  You  may  as  well  spend  your  money  travelin'  as  in  any 
other  way," 

:<  Yes,  I  love  to  travel  when  I  can  travel  with  human 
creeters,  and  I  might  as  well  spend  my  money  for  myself 
as  to  leave  it  for  my  cousins  to  fight  over,  and  I  can  pay 
my  way  mostly  sellin'  my  book;  and  I've  left  my  stuff  so  it 
won't  spile." 

"Where  is  Waitstill  Webb?"  sez  I. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE       81 

"  Oh,  Waitstill  has  gone  back  to  be  a  nurse — she's  gone 
to  the  Philippines." 

Sez  I  gladly,  "  Then  we  shall  see  her,  Arvilly." 

"  Yes,"  sez  she,  "  and  that  wuz  one  reason  that  I  wanted 
t©  go,  though  she's  acted  like  a  fool,  startin'  off  agin  to  help 
the  govermunt.  I've  done  my  last  work  for  it,  and  I  told 
her  so;  I  sez,  if  see  the  govermunt  sinkin'  in  a  mud  hole  I 
wouldn't  lift  a  finger  to  help  it  out.  I  always  wanted  to  see 
China  and  Japan,  but  never  spozed  I  should." 

"  It  is  a  strange  Providence,  indeed,  Arvilly,  that  has 
started  us  both  from  Jonesville  to  China.  But,"  sez  I,  "  let 
me  make  you  acquainted  with  the  rest  of  our  party,"  and  I 
introduced  'em.  Josiah  wuz  embracin'  Tommy  and  bein' 
embraced,  and  he  had  seen  'em  all  but  Robert  Strong. 


CHAPTER  VII 

N  a  few  minutes  the  great  ship  begun  to  breathe 
hard,  as  if  tryin'  to  git  up  strength  for  the 
move,  and  kinder  shook  itself,  and  gin  a  few 
hoarse  yells,  and  sot  off,  seemin'  to  kinder 
tremble  all  over  with  eagerness  to  be  gone. 
And  so  we  sot  sail,  but  ship  and  shore  and  boundless  water 
all  looked  beautiful  and  gay  to  me.  What  a  change,  what 
a  change  from  the  feelin's  I  had  felt;  then  the  cold  spectral 
moonlight  of  loneliness  rested  on  shore  and  Golden  Gate, 
now  the  bright  sun  of  love  and  happiness  gilded  'em  with 
their  glorious  rays,  and  I  felt  well.  Well  might  Mr.  Drum- 
mond  say,  "  Love  is  the  greatest  thing  in  the  world."  And 
as  I  looked  on  my  precious  pardner  I  bethought  fondly,  no 
matter  how  little  a  man  may  weigh  by  the  steelyards,  or 
how  much  a  Arvilly  may  make  light  on  him,  if  Love  is  en 
throned  in  his  person  he  towers  up  bigger  than  the  hull 
universe.  And  so,  rilled  with  joy  radiatin'  from  the  presence 
of  the  best  beloved,  and  under  the  cloudless  sunshine  of 
that  glorious  day,  I  set  out  on  my  Trip  Abroad.  Yes,  I  wuz 
once  more  embarked  on  that  great  watery  world  that  lays 
all  round  us  and  the  continents,  and  we  can't  help  ourselves. 
And  the  days  follered  one  another  along  in  Injin  file, 
trampin'  silently  and  stiddily  on,  no  matter  where  we  be  or 
what  we  do.  So  we  sailed  on  and  on,  the  ship  dashin'  along 
at  I  don't  know  how  many  knots  an  hour.  Probably  the 
knots  would  be  enough  if  straightened  out  to  make  a  hull 
hank  of  yarn,  and  mebby  more.  Part  of  the  time  the  waves 
dashin'  high.  Mebby  the  Pacific  waves  are  a  little  less  tumul- 
tous  and  high  sweepin'  than  the  Atlantic,  a  little  more  pacific 
as  it  were,  but  they  sway  out  dretful  long,  and  dash  up  dret- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       83 

ful  high,  bearin'  us  along  with  'em  every  time,  up  and  down, 
down  and  up,  and  part  of  the  time  our  furniture  and  our 
stomachs  would  foller  'em  and  sway,  too,  and  act.  The 
wind  would  soar  along,  chasin'  after  us,  but  never  quite 
ketchin'  us;  sometimes  abaft,  sometimes  in  the  fo'castle, 
whatever  that  may  be. 

And  under  uz  wuz  the  great  silent  graveyard,  the  sol 
emn,  green  aisles,  still  and  quiet,  and  no  knowin'  how  soon 
we  should  be  there,  too,  surrounded  by  the  riches  of  that 
lost  world  of  them  that  go  down  in  ships,  but  not  doin'  us 
any  good.  Only  a  board  or  two  and  some  paint  between 
us  and  destruction  (but  then  I  don't  know  as  we  are  sep- 
erated  any  time  very  fur  from  danger,  earthquakes,  tornados 
and  such).  And  good  land !  I  would  tell  myself  and  Josiah, 
for  that  matter  I've  known  wimmen  to  fall  right  out  of  their 
chairs  and  break  themselves  all  up  more  or  less,  and  fall 
offen  back  steps  and  suller  stairs  and  such.  But  'tennyrate 
I  felt  real  riz  up  as  I  looked  off  on  the  heavin'  billers,  and 
Faith  sez  to  me,  "  Why  should  I  fear  since  I  sailed  with 
God.  The  seas,  I  am  journeying,  I  told  myself  with  Duty 
on  one  side  of  me  and  on  the  other  side  Josiah,  and  the  sun 
of  Love  over  all.  I  got  along  without  any  seasickness  to 
speak  of,  but  my  pardner  suffered  ontold  agonies — or  no, 
they  wuzn't  ontold,  he  told  'em  all  to  me — yes,  indeed! 

Tommy  "  wonnered  "  what  made  the  big  vessel  sail  on 
so  fast,  and  what  made  so  much  water,  where  it  all  come 
from,  and  where  it  wuz  all  goin'  to.  And  at  night  he  would 
lay  on  his  little  shelf  and  "  wonner "  what  the  wind  wuz 
sayin';  one  night  he  spoke  out  kinder  in  rhyme,  sez  he: 
"  Grandma,  do  you  know  what  the  wind  is  sayin  ?  "  And  I 
sez: 

"  No,  dear  lamb ;  what  is  it  sayin'  ?  "  It  has  sounded 
dretful,  kinder  wild  and  skairful  to  me,  and  so  it  had  to 
Josiah,  I  knew  by  the  sithes  he  had  gin.  Sez  Tommy,  it  sez : 

"  Don't  be  afraid  my  little  child, 
God  will  take  care  of  you  all  the  while." 


And  I  sez,  "  Thank  you,  Tommy,  you've  done  me  good." 
And  I  noticed  that  Josiah  seemed  more  contented  and 
dropped  off  to  sleep  real  sweet,  though  he  snored  some. 
Sometimes  Tommy  would  "  wonner  "  what  seasickness  wuz 
like,  if  it  wuz  any  like  measles,  but  didn't  find  out,  for 
he  wuzn't  sick  a  day,  but  wandered  about  the  great  ship, 
happy  as  a  king,  making  friends  everywhere,  though  Rob 
ert  Strong  remained  his  chief  friend  and  helper.  Dorothy 
wuz  more  beautiful  than  ever  it  seemed  to  me,  a  shadow 
of  paleness  over  her  sweet  face  peeping  out  from  the  white 
fur  of  her  cunning  little  pink  hood,  makin'  her  look  sweeter 
than  ever.  There  wuz  two  or  three  handsome  young  men 
on  board  who  appreciated  her  beauty,  and  I  spoze  the  gold 
setting  of  her  charming  youth.  But  Miss  Meechim  called 
on  Robert  Strong  to  help  protect  her,  which  he  did  will 
ingly  enough,  so  fur  as  I  could  see,  by  payin'  the  most  de 
voted  attention  to  her  himself,  supplying  every  real  or  fan 
cied  want,  reading  to  and  with  her,  and  walking  up  and 
down  the  deck  with  her,  she  leanin'  on  his  arm  in  slippery 
times. 

"  Dear  boy !  "  said  Miss  Meechim,  "  how  lovely  he  is  to 
me.  He  would  much  rather  spend  his  time  with  the  men 
in  the  smoking  and  reading  room,  but  he  has  always  been 
just  so;  let  me  express  a  wish  and  he  flies  to  execute  it. 
He  knows  that  I  wouldn't  have  Dorothy  marry  for  all  the 
world,  and  had  it  not  been  for  his  invaluable  help  I  fear  that 
she  would  have  fallen  a  prey  to  some  man  before  this." 

"  She  is  a  pretty  girl,"  sez  I,  "  pretty  as  a  pink  rosy." 

"  Yes,"  sez  she,  "  she  is  a  sweet  girl  and  as  good  as  she 
is  beautiful." 

There  was  the  usual  variety  of  people  on  the  ship.  The 
rich  family  travelin'  with  children  and  servants  and  unlim 
ited  baggage;  the  party  of  school  girls  with  the  slim  talka 
tive  teacher  in  spectacles,  tellin'  'em  all  the  pints  of  interest, 
and  stuffin'  'em  with  knowledge  gradual  but  constant;  the 
stiddy  goin'  business  men  and  the  fashionable  ones;  the  mar- 


AROUND  THB  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLBX'8  WIFE       86 

ried  flirt  and  the  newly  married  bride  and  husband,  sheep 
ish  lookin'  but  happy;  old  wimmen  and  young  ones;  young 
men  and  old  ones;  the  sick  passenger  confined  to  his  bed, 
but  devourin'  more  food  than  any  two  well  ones — seven 
meals  a  day  have  I  seen  carried  into  that  room  by  the  stew 
ard,  while  a  voice  weak  but  onwaverin'  would  call  for  more. 
There  wuz  a  opera  singer,  a  evangelist,  an  English  noble 
man,  and  a  party  of  colored  singers  who  made  the  night 
beautiful  sometimes  with  their  weird  pathetic  melodies. 

There  wuz  two  missionaries  on  board,  one  the  Rev.  Dr. 
Wessel,  real  dignified  actin'  and  lookin' — he  wuz  goin'  out 
as  a  missionary  to  China,  and  a  young  lady  going  out  as  a 
missionary  to  Africa,  Evangeline  Noble — she  wuz  a  member 
of  some  kind  of  a  sisterhood,  so  she  wuz  called  Sister  Evan 
geline.  I  sot  a  sight  of  store  by  her  the  first  time  I  laid 
eyes  on  her.  Anybody  could  see  that  she  wuz  one  of  the 
Lord's  anointed,  and  like  our  cousin  John  Richard,  who 
went  out  as  a  missionary  to  Africa  several  years  ago,  she 
only  wanted  the  Lord's  will  pinted  out  to  her  to  foller  it  to 
the  death  if  necessary.  Livin'  so  nigh  to  the  Kingdom  as 
she  did  she  couldn't  help  its  breezes  fannin'  her  tired  fore 
head  occasionally,  and  the  angels'  songs  and  the  sound  of 
the  still  waters  from  reachin'  her  soul.  She  had  left  a 
luxurious  home,  all  her  loved  ones,  a  host  of  friends,  and 
wuz  goin'  out  to  face  certain  hardships,  and  probable  sick 
ness  and  death  amongst  a  strange  half  savage  people,  and 
yet  she  had  about  the  happiest  face  I  ever  saw.  His  peace 
wuz  writ  down  on  her  brow.  Her  Lord  journeyed  with  her 
and  told  her  from  day  to  day  what  he  wanted  her  to  do. 
After  we  got  well  acquainted  she  told  me  that  ever  since 
her  conversion  there  were  times  when  she  became  uncon 
scious  to  things  on  earth,  but  her  soul  seemed  to  be  ketched 
up  to  some  other  realm,  where  He,  who  wuz  her  constant 
helper  and  guide,  told  her  what  to  do.  I  told  Josiah  about 
it,  and  he  sez: 


86      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  I'd  ruther  see  that  than  hear  on't.  How  can  she  be 
ketched  up,  weighin'  pretty  nigh  two  hundred?" 

Sez  I,  "  Your  views  are  material,  Josiah.  I  said  her  soul 
wuz  ketched  up." 

"  Oh,  well,  my  soul  and  body  has  ginerally  gone  together 
where  I've  went." 

"  I  don't  doubt  that,"  sez  I,  "  not  at  all.  Spiritual  things 
are  spiritually  discerned." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  I've  hearn  a  sight  about  such  things 
as  that,  but  I'd  ruther  see  'em  myself." 

Well,  it  wuzn't  but  a  day  or  two  after  that  that  he  had 
a  chance  to  see  if  he  had  eyes.  Sister  Evangeline  wuz  set- 
tin'  with  Josiah  and  me  on  the  deck,  and  all  of  a  sudden 
while  she  wuz  talkin'  to  us  about  her  future  life  and  work 
in  Africa,  her  face  took  on  a  look  as  yourn  would  if  your 
attention  had  been  suddenly  arrested  by  a  voice  calling  you. 
She  looked  off  over  the  water  as  if  it  wuzn't  there,  and  I 
felt  that  someone  wuz  talkin'  to  her  we  couldn't  see — her 
face  had  jest  that  look,  and  at  last  I  hearn  her  murmur  in  a 
low  voice : 

"  Yes,  Master,  I  will  go." 

And  most  immegiately  her  soul  seemed  to  come  back 
from  somewhere,  and  she  sez  to  me : 

"  I  am  told  that  there  is  a  poor  woman  amongst  the 
steerage  passengers  that  needs  me."  And  she  riz  right  up 
and  started,  like  Paul,  not  disobedient  to  the  Heavenly  vis 
ion,  not  for  a  minute.  She  told  me  afterward  that  she  found 
a  woman  with  a  newly-born  child  almost  dying  for  want  of 
help.  She  was  alone  and  friendless,  and  if  Sister  Evangeline 
hadn't  reached  her  just  as  she  did  they  would  both  have 
died.  She  wuz  a  trained  nurse,  and  saved  both  their  lives, 
and  she  wuz  as  good  as  she  could  be  to  'em  till  we  reached 
port,  where  the  woman's  husband  wuz  to  meet  her. 

Josiah  acted  stunted  when  I  told  him,  but  sez  weakly, 
"  I  believe  she  hearn  the  woman  holler." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       8? 

And  I  sez,  "  She  wuz  fainted  away,  how  could  she  hol 
ler?" 

And  he  sez,  "  It  must  be  a  heavy  faint  that  will  keep  a 
woman  from  talkin'." 

The  other  missionary,  Elder  Wessel,  I  didn't  set  quite 
so  much  store  by.  His  only  child  Lucia  wuz  on  board  going 
out  to  China  with  a  rich  tea  merchant's  family  as  a  gover 
ness  for  their  little  daughter,  and  some  one  told  me  that 
one  reason  that  Elder  Wessel  hearn  such  a  loud  call  to  go 
as  a  missionary  to  China  was  because  Lucia  wuz  goin'  there. 

Now,  there  wuz  a  young  chap  over  in  Loontown  who 
had  tried  doctorin'  for  a  year  or  two  and  didn't  make  much 
by  it,  and  he  thought  he  see  a  sign  up  in  the  heavens,  G.  P., 
and  he  gin  out  that  he  had  had  a  call  "  go  preach,"  and 
went  to  preachin',  and  he  didn't  make  so  well  by  that  as  he 
did  by  his  doctorin',  and  then  he  gin  out  that  he  had  made 
a  mistake  in  readin'  the  letters;  instead  of  goin'  to  preach 
they  meant  "  give  pills,"  so  he  went  back  to  his  doctorin' 
agin,  and  is  doin'  first  rate.  That  wuzn't  a  call. 

But  to  resoom.  Elder  Wessel  jest  worshipped  this 
daughter,  and  thought  she  wuz  the  sweetest,  dearest  girl  in 
the  world.  And  she  wuz  a  pretty  girl  with  soft,  bright  in 
nocent  eyes.  She  wuz  educated  in  a  convent,  and  had  the 
sweet,  gentle  manners  and  onworldly  look  that  so  many 
convent-bred  girls  have.  She  and  Aronette  struck  up  a 
warm  friendship,  though  her  pa  wouldn't  have  allowed  it 
I  spoze  if  he  hadn't  seen  how  much  store  we  all  sot  by 
Aronette. 

We  got  real  well  acquainted  with  Elder  Wessel  and 
Lucia;  and  her  proud  pa  wuz  never  tired  of  singin'  her 
praises  or  ruther  chantin'  'em — he  wuz  too  dignified  to  sing. 
Arvilly  loved  to  talk  with  him,  though  their  idees  wuz  about 
as  congenial  as  ile  and  water.  He  wuz  real  mild  and  con 
servative,  always  drinked  moderate  and  always  had  wine  on 
his  table,  and  approved  of  the  canteen  and  saloon,  which  he 
extolled  as  the  Poor  Man's  Club.  He  thought  that  the 


88      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

government  wuz  jest  right,  the  big  trusts  and  license  laws 
jest  as  they  should  be. 

Arvilly  dearly  loved  to  send  sharp  arrows  of  sarkasm 
and  argument  through  his  coat  armor  of  dignified  com 
placency  and  self-esteem,  for  truly  his  idees  wuz  to  her  like 
a  red  rag  to  a  bull. 

Miss  Meechim  kinder  looked  down  on  Arvilly,  and  I 
guess  Arvilly  looked  down  on  her.  You  know  it  happens 
so  sometimes — two  folks  will  feel  real  above  each  other, 
though  it  stands  to  reason  that  one  of  'em  must  be  mistook. 
Miss  Meechim  thought  she  wuz  more  genteel  than  Arvilly, 
and  was  worth  more,  and  I  guess  she  had  had  better  advan 
tages.  And  Arvilly  thought  she  knew  more  than  Miss  Mee 
chim,  and  I  guess  mebby  she  did.  Miss  Meechim  thought 
she  wuz  jest  right  herself,  she  thought  her  native  land  wuz 
jest  right  and  all  its  laws  and  customs,  and  naterally  she 
looked  down  dretfully  on  all  foreigners.  She  and  Arvilly 
had  lots  of  little  spats  about  matters  and  things,  though  Miss 
Meechim  wuz  so  genteel  that  she  kep'  her  dignity  most  of 
the  time,  though  Arvilly  gin  it  severe  raps  anon  or  oftener. 

But  one  tie  seemed  to  unite  'em  a  little — they  wuz  real 
congenial  on  the  subject  of  man.  They  both  seemed  to 
cherish  an  inherent  aversion  to  that  sect  of  which  my  pard- 
ner  is  an  ornament,  and  had  a  strong  settled  dislike  to  matri 
mony;  broken  once  by  Arvilly,  as  a  sailor  may  break  his 
habit  of  sea-faring  life  by  livin'  on  shore  a  spell,  but  still 
keepin'  up  his  love  for  the  sea. 

But  of  their  talks  together  and  Arvilly's  arguments  with 
Elder  Wessel  more  anon  and  bime  by.  Arvilly  stood  up 
aginst  the  sea-sickness  as  she  would  aginst  a  obstinate  sub 
scriber,  and  finally  brought  the  sickness  to  terms  as  she 
would  the  buyer,  on  the  third  day,  and  appeared  pale  but 
triumphant,  with  a  subscription  book  in  her  hand  and  the 
words  of  her  prospectus  dribblin'  from  her  lips.  She  had 
ordered  a  trunkful  to  sell  on  sight,  but  Arvilly  will  never 
git  over  what  she  has  went  through,  never. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       89 

As  the  days  went  on  the  big  ship  seemed  more  and  more 
to  us  like  a  world,  or  ruther  a  new  sort  of  a  planet  we  wuz 
inhabitin' — it  kinder  seemed  to  be  the  centre  of  the  universe. 
I  overheard  a  woman  say  one  day  how  monotonous  the  life 
wuz.  But  I  thought  to  myself,  mebby  her  mind  wuz  kinder 
monotonous — some  be,  you  know,  made  so  in  the  first  on't ; 
I  found  plenty  enough  to  interest  me,  and  so  Josiah  did. 

There  wuz  a  big  library  where  you  could  keep  company 
with  the  great  minds  of  the  past  and  present.  A  music 
room  where  most  always  some  of  the  best  music  wuz  to  be 
hearn,  for  of  course  there  wuz  lots  of  musicians  on  board, 
there  always  is.  And  for  them  that  wanted  it,  there  wuz 
a  smokin'  room,  though  Josiah  or  I  didn't  have  any  use  for 
it,  never  havin'  smoked  anything  but  a  little  mullen  and  cat 
nip  once  or  twice  for  tizik.  And  there  wuz  a  billiard  room 
for  them  that  patronized  Bill,  though  I  never  did  nor  Josiah, 
but  wuz  willin'  that  folks  should  act  out  their  own  naters. 
I  spoze  they  played  cards  there,  too.  But  Josiah  and  I 
didn't  know  one  card  from  another;  I  couldn't  tell  Jack 
from  the  King  to  save  my  life. 

We  stayed  in  the  music  room  quite  a  good  deal  and  once 
or  twice  Josiah  expressed  the  wish  that  he  had  brought 
along  his  accordeon. 

And  he  sez :  "  It  don't  seem  right  to  take  all  this  pleas 
ure  and  not  give  back  anything  in  return." 

But  I  sez,  "  I  guess  they'll  git  along  without  hearin' 
that  accordeon." 

"  I  might  sing  sunthin',  I  spose,"  sez  he.  "  I  could  put 
on  my  dressin'  gown  and  belt  it  down  with  the  tossels  and 
appear  as  a  singer,  and  sing  a  silo." 

That  wuz  the  evenin'  after  Dorothy,  in  a  thin,  white 
dress,  a  little  low  in  the  neck  and  short  sleeves,  had  stood 
up  and  sung  a  lovely  piece,  or  that  is  I  'spoze  it  wuz  lovely, 
it  wuz  in  some  foreign  tongue,  but  it  sounded  first  rate,  as 
sweet  as  the  song  of  a  robin  or  medder  lark — you  know  how 
we  all  like  to  hear  them,  though  we  can't  quite  under- 


90       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

stand  robin  and  lark  language.  It  wuz  kinder  good  in 
Josiah  to  want  to  give  pleasure  in  return  for  what  he  had 
had,  but  I  argyed  him  into  thinkin'  that  he  and  I  would 
give  more  pleasure  as  a  congregation  than  as  speakers  or 
singers.  For  after  I  had  vetoed  the  singin'  that  good  man 
proposed  that  he  should  speak  a  piece.  Sez  he,  "  I  could  tell 
most  the  hull  of  the  American  Taxation." 

And  I  sez,  "  I  wouldn't  harrer  up  the  minds  of  the  rich 
men  on  board  with  thoughts  of  taxes,"  sez  I,  "  when  lots 
of  'em  are  goin'  away  to  get  rid  on  'em." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  I  could  tell  the  hull  of  Robert  Kidd." 

And  I  sez,  "  Well,  I  wouldn't  harrer  up  their  feelin's 
talkin'  about  hullsale  stealin';  they  have  enough  of  that  to 
hum  in  the  big  cities." 

So  gradual  I  got  him  off  from  the  idee. 

There  wuz  one  little  boy  about  Tommy's  age  and  a  sis 
ter  a  little  older  I  felt  real  sorry  for,  they  looked  so  queer, 
and  their  ma,  a  thin,  wirey,  nervous  lookin'  woman  brooded 
over  'em  like  a  settin'  hen  over  her  eggs.  They  wuz  dressed 
well,  but  dretful  bulged  out  and  swollen  lookin',  and  I  sea 
to  their  ma  one  day: 

"Are  your  children  dropsical?" 

And  she  sez,  "  Oh,  no,  their  health  is  good.  The  swell- 
in's  you  see  are  life  preservers."  She  said  that  she  kep'  one 
on  their  stomachs  night  and  day. 

Well,  I  knew  that  they  would  be  handy  in  a  shipwreck, 
but  it  made  'em  look  queer,  queer  as  a  dog. 

And  now  whilst  the  passengers  are  all  settin'  or  standin* 
on  their  own  forts  and  tendin'  to  their  own  bizness,  and  the 
big  ship  ploughin'  its  big  liquid  furrow  on  the  water  I  may 
as  well  tell  what  Arvilly  went  through.  I  spoze  the  reader, 
is  anxious  to  know  the  petickulers  of  how  she  come  to  be 
in  the  Cuban  army  and  desert  from  it.  The  reason  of  her 
bein'  in  the  army  at  all,  her  husband  enlisted  durin'  the 
struggle  for  Cuban  independence,  and  Arvilly  jest  wor- 
shippin'  the  ground  he  walked  on,  and  thinkin'  the  world 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       91 

wuz  a  blank  to  her  where  he  wuz  not,  after  the  last  care  he 
left  her  wuz  removed,  and  always  havin'  done  as  she  wuz 
a  mind  to  as  fur  as  she  could,  she  dressed  herself  up  in  a 
suit  of  his  clothes  and  enlisted  onbeknown  to  him,  so's  to 
be  near  to  him  if  he  got  woonded,  and  'tennyrate  to  breathe 
the  same  air  he  did  and  sleep  under  the  same  stars.  She 
adored  him. 

It  must  be  remembered  that  Arvilly  had  never  loved  a 
single  thing  till  she  fell  in  love  with  this  man,  her  folks  dyin' 
off.  and  leavin'  her  to  come  up  the  best  she  could,  and  im 
posed  upon  and  looked  down  upon  on  every  side,  and  work- 
in'  hard  for  a  livin',  and  after  she  got  old  enough  to  read 
and  understand,  bein'  smart  as  a  whip  and  one  of  the  firmest 
lovers  of  justice  and  fair  play  that  ever  wuz  born,  she  be 
come  such  a  firm  believer  in  wimmen's  rights  that  she  got 
enemies  that  way.  Well,  you  know  right  when  she  started 
for  the  World's  Fair,  'helpin'  herself  along  by  sellin'  the 
book,  "The  Wild,  Wicked,  and  Warlike  Deeds  of  Men" 
(which  she  said  she  felt  wuz  her  duty  to  promulgate  to  wim- 
men  to  keep  'em  from  marryin'  and  makin'  fools  of  them 
selves).  Well,  right  there,  some  like  Paul  on  his  way  to  Jeru 
salem  breathin'  vengeance  against  his  Lord,  a  great  light 
struck  him  down  in  the  road,  so  with  Arvilly,  the  great  light 
of  Love  stopped  her  in  her  career,  she  dropped  her  book, 
married  the  man  she  loved  and  who  loved  her,  and  lived 
happy  as  a  queen  till  the  Cuban  war  broke  out. 

Her  husband  wuz  a  good  man,  not  the  smartest  In  the 
world,  but  a  good,  honest  God-fearin'  man,  who  had  had  a 
hard  time  to  get  along,  but  always  tried  to  do  jest  right, 
and  who  hailed  Arvilly's  bright  intellect  and  practical  good 
sense  and  household  knowledge  as  a  welcome  relief  from 
incompetence  in  hired  girl  form  in  the  kitchen.  His  first 
wife  died  when  his  little  girl  wuz  born,  and  she  wuz  about 
seven  when  Arvilly  married  her  pa.  Well,  he  bein'  jest 
what  he  wuz — conscientious,  God-fearin'  and  havin'  hearn 
his  minister  preach  powerful  sermons  on  this  bein'  a  war 


92       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

of  God  aginst  the  Devil,  enlightenment  and  Christianity aginst 
ignorance  and  barbarism,  America  aginst  Spain — he  got 
all  fired  up  with  the  sense  of  what  wuz  his  duty  to 
do,  and  when  his  mind  wuz  made  urj  to  that  no  man  or 
woman  could  turn  him.  Arvilly  might  have  just  as  well 
spent  her  tears  and  entreaties  on  her  soapstun.  No,  go  he 
must  and  go  he  would.  But  like  the  good  man  he  wuz,  he 
made  everything  just  as  comfortable  as  he  could  for  her 
and  his  little  daughter,  a  pretty  creeter  that  Arvilly  too 
loved  dearly.  And  then  he  bid  'em  a  sad  adoo,  for  he  loved 
'em  well,  and  Arvilly  had  made  his  home  a  comfortable  and 
happy  one.  But  he  choked  back  his  tears,  tried  to  smile 
on  'em  with  his  tremblin'  lips,  held  'em  both  long  in  his 
strong  arms,  onclosed  'em,  and  they  wuz  bereft.  Well,  Ar 
villy  held  the  weeping  little  girl  in  her  arms,  bent  over  her 
with  white  face  and  dry  eyes,  for  his  sake  endured  the  long 
days  and  longer  nights  alone  with  the  child,  for  his  sake 
taking  good  care  of  her,  wondering  at  the  blow  that  had 
fell  upon  her,  wondering  that  if  in  the  future  she  could  be 
so  blest  agin  as  to  have  a  home,  for  love  is  the  soul  of  the 
home,  and  she  felt  homeless. 

Well,  she  watched  and  worked,  takin'  good  care  of  the 
little  one,  but  bolts  and  bars  can't  keep  out  death;  Arvilly's 
arms,  though  she  wuz  strong  boneded,  couldn't.  Diphtheria 
wuz  round,  little  Annie  took  it;  in  one  week  Arvilly  wuz 
indeed  alone,  and  when  the  sod  lay  between  her  and  what 
little  likeness  of  her  husband  had  shone  through  the  child's 
pretty  face,  Arvilly  formed  a  strange  resolution,  but  not 
so  strange  but  what  wimmen  have  formed  it  before,  and 
probably  will  agin  till  God's  truth  shall  shine  on  a  dark 
world  and  be  listened  to,  and  wars  shall  be  no  more.  She 
made  up  her  mind  to  foller  the  man  she  loved,  to  enlist. 
She  wuz  always  a  masculine  lookin'  creeter,  big,  raw  bone 
ded,  and  when  she  cut  off  her  hair  and  parted  it  on  one  side 
in  a  man's  way  and  put  on  a  suit  of  her  husband's  clothes 
she  looked  as  much,  or  more  like  a  man  than  she  had  ever 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  8 1  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       93 

looked  like  a  woman.  She  locked  the  doors  of  her  home 
till  the  cruel  war  should  be  ended,  and  he  whose  love  made 
her  home  should  return.  Till  then,  if  indeed  it  should  ever 
be,  she  left  her  happiness  there  in  the  empty,  silent  rooms 
and  sallied  off.  She  had  disposed  of  her  stock  and  things 
like  that,  folks  not  bein'  surprised  at  it,  bein'  she  wuz  alone, 
but  all  to  once  she  disappeared,  utterly  and  entirely,  nobody 
hearn  of  her  and  folks  thought  that  mebby  she  had  wan 
dered  off  in  her  grief  and  put  an  end  to  her  life.  Not  one 
word  wuz  hearn  of  her  until  lo  and  behold!  the  strange 
news  come,  Arvilly's  husband  wuz  killed  in  a  drunken  brawl 
in  a  licensed  Canteen  down  in  Cuba  and  Arvilly  had  de 
serted  from  the  army,  and  of  course  bein'  a  woman  they 
couldn't  touch  her  for  it.  That  wuz  the  first  we  ever  knowed 
that  she  wuz  in  the  army. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

rRVILLY  deserted  from  the  army  and  gloried 
in  it;  she  said,  bein'  a  woman  born,  she  had 
never  had  a  right,  and  now  she  took  it.  After 
her  husband  wuz  buried,  and  her  hull  life,  too, 
she  thought  for  a  spell,  she  deserted,  but  bein' 
ketched  and  court-martialed,  she  appeared  before  the  offi 
cers  in  her  own  skirt  and  bask  waist  and  dared  'em  to  touch 
her.  Waitstill  Webb,  the  young  sweetheart  of  the  man  that 
shot  her  husband,  wuz  with  her.  Good  land !  Arvilly  didn't 
lay  up  nothin'  aginst  her  or  him;  he  wuz  drunk  as  a  fool 
when  he  fired  the  shot.  He  didn't  know  what  he  wuz  doin'; 
he  wuz  made  irresponsible  by  the  law,  till  he  did  the  deed, 
and  then  made  responsible  by  the  same  law  and  shot.  Wait- 
still  wuz  named  from  a  Puritan  great-great-aunt,  whose 
beauty  and  goodness  had  fell  onto  her,  poor  girl !  She 
stood  by  Arvilly.  They  wuz  made  friends  on  that  dretful 
night  when  they  had  stood  by  the  men  they  loved,  one 
killed  and  the  other  to  be  killed  by  the  govermunt.  Poor 
things!  they  wuz  bein'  protected,  I  spoze  our  govermunt 
would  call  it;  it  always  talks  a  good  deal  about  protectin' 
wimmen;  'tennyrate  the  mantilly  of  the  law  hung  over  'em 
both  and  shaded  'em,  one  man  layin'  dead,  shot  through  the 
heart,  the  other  condemned  to  be  shot,  both  on  'em  by 
legal  enactments,  both  men  not  knowin'  or  rneanin'  any  more 
harm  than  my  Josiah  up  in  Jonesville  if  he  had  been  sot 
fire  to  by  law  and  then  hung  by  law  because  he  smoked  and 
blistered.  Good  land !  them  that  sets  a  fire  knows  that  there 
has  got  to  be  smoke  and  blisters,  there  must  be. 

The  officers  they  wuz  just  dumb-foundered  at  the  sight 
of  a  woman  with  a  bask  waist  on  in  that  position — a  bein' 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE      95 

court-martialed  for  desertion — and  her  speech  dumb-found 
ered  'em  still  more,  so  I  spoze;  I  hearn  it  from  one  who 
wuz  there. 

Sez  Arvilly  to  'em,  and  they  wuz  drew  up  in  battle  array 
as  you  may  say,  dressed  up  in  uniform  and  quite  a  few  on 
'em,  the  Stars  and  Stripes  behind  'em,  and  the  mantilly  of 
the  law  drapin'  'em  in  heavy  folds.  And  I  don't  spoze  that 
through  her  hull  life  Arvilly  wuz  ever  so  eloquent  as  on 
that  occasion.  All  her  powers  of  mind  and  heart  wuz  elec 
trified  by  the  dretful  shock  and  agony  she  had  underwent, 
and  her  words  fell  like  a  hard  storm  of  lightenin'  and  hail 
out  of  a  sky  when  it  is  just  stored  full  of  electrical  power 
and  has  got  to  bust  out 

Sez  Arvilly :  "  You  men  represent  the  force  and  power 
of  the  govermunt  that  falsely  sez  it  is  the  voice  of  the  peo 
ple;  we  two  represent  the  people.  As  you  are  the  force  and 
power  and  will  of  the  law,  we  are  the  endurance,  the  suffer 
ing.  You  decide  on  a  war.  When  did  a  woman  ever  have 
any  voice  in  saying  that  there  should  be  a  war?  They  bear 
the  sons  in  agony  that  you  call  out  to  be  butchered;  their 
hearts  are  torn  out  of  their  bosoms  when  they  let  their  hus 
bands,  sons  and  lovers  go  into  the  hell  of  warfare,  and  you 
tax  all  her  property  to  raise  money  to  help  furnish  the 
deadly  weapons  that  kill  and  cut  to  pieces  the  warm,  living, 
loving  forms  that  they  would  give  their  lives  for. 

"  But  you  men  decide  on  a  war,  as  you  have  on  this. 
ffou  say  it  wuz  from  motives  of  philanthropy  and  justice; 
you  drag  us,  the  people,  out  of  peaceful,  happy  homes  to 
leave  all  we  love,  to  face  mutilation,  agony  and  death;  you 
say  your  cause  wuz  just,  I  say  it  is  a  war  of  revenge — a  war 
of  conquest." 

Why  it  fairly  made  goose  pimples  run  over  me  when  I 
hearn  on't.  Sassin'  the  govermunt,  she  wuz — nothin'  more 
nor  less.  But  she  went  on  worse  than  ever. 

"  You  say  that  it  wuz  to  give  freedom  to  the  people  of 
Cuba.  Look  at  the  millions  of  your  own  wimmen  enslaved 


06       AROUND  TEE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

in  legal  fetters !  You  say  it  wuz  to  protect  the  wimmen  and 
children  of  Cuba  from  the  cruelty  and  brutality  of  unscrupu 
lous  rulers.  Look  at  the  wimmen  and  children  of  your  own 
country  cowering  and  hiding  from  crazed  drunken  hus 
bands,  sons  and  fathers.  More  misery,  murder,  suicides, 
abuse  and  suffering  of  every  kind  is  caused  by  the  saloon 
every  day  of  the  year  in  the  United  States  than  ever  took 
place  in  Cuba  in  twice  the  same  time,  and  you  not  only 
stand  by  and  see  it,  but  you  take  pay  from  the  butchers  for 
slaughtering  the  innocents !  You  miserable  hypocrites, 
you ! "  Sez  Arvilly,  "  I  would  talk  about  pity  and  mercy, 
you  that  know  no  pity  and  no  mercy  for  your  own  wimmen 
and  children. 

"  You  pose  before  foreign  nations  as  a  reformer,  a  righter 
of  wrongs,  when  you  have  cherished  and  are  cherishing  now 
the  most  gigantic  crime  and  wrong  that  ever  cursed  a  peo 
ple;  turning  a  deaf  ear  to  the  burdened  and  dying  about 
you;  wives,  mothers,  daughters — for  whose  safety  and  well- 
being  you  are  responsible — have  told  you  that  the  saloon 
killed  all  the  manhood  and  nobility  of  their  husbands,  sons, 
and  fathers;  made  the  pure,  good  men,  who  loved  and  pro 
tected  them,  into  cold-hearted  brutes  and  demons  who 
would  turn  and  rend  them — still  you  would  not  hear.  You 
have  seen  the  dretful  procession  of  one  hundred  thousand 
funerals  pass  before  you  every  year,  slain  by  this  foe  that 
you  pamper  and  protect. 

"  Lovers  of  good  laws  have  told  you  that  the  saloon 
blocked  up  the  way  to  every  reform  and  wuz  the  greatest 
curse  of  the  day;  still  you  threw  your  mighty  protection 
around  the  system  and  helped  it  on.  The  most  eminent 
doctors  have  told  you  that  drunkenness  ruined  the  bodies 
of  men;  Christian  clergymen  told  you  that  it  ruined  their 
souls,  and  that  the  saloon  was  the  greatest  enemy  the 
Church  of  Christ  had  to  contend  with  to-day;  that  when  by 
its  efforts  and  sacrifices  it  saved  one  soul  from  ruin,  the 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE       9? 

saloon  ruined  two  to  fill  the  place  of  that  one  who  wuz  saved, 
and  still  you  opholded  it. 

"  Petitions  signed  by  'hundreds  of  thousands  of  the  best 
people  of  the  land  have  been  sent  to  you,  but  these  petitions, 
weighted  down  with  the  tears  and  prayers  of  these  people, 
have  been  made  a  jest  and  a  mock  of  by  you.  And  strang 
est,  most  awful  of  sights — incredible  almost  to  men  and 
angels — this  govermunt,  that  sot  out  as  a  reformer  to  Chris 
tianize  Cuba  and  the  Philippines,  have  planted  there  this 
heaviest  artillery  of  Satan,  the  saloon,  to  bind  the  poor 
islanders  in  worse  bondage  and  misery  than  they  ever  dremp 
on.  Hain't  you  ashamed  of  yourself!  You  fool  and  vil 
lain  !  "  (Oh !  dear  me !  Oh,  dear  suz !  To  think  on't ;  Ar- 
villy  wuz  talkin'  to  the  govermunt,  and  callin'  it  a  fool  and 
villain  1  The  idee !  Why,  it  wuz  enough  to  skair  anybody 
most  to  death !)  I  spoze  it  made  a  great  adoo.  I  spoze 
that  the  men  who  represented  the  govermunt  wuz  too  horri 
fied  to  make  a  reply.  Arvilly  always  did  go  too  fur  when 
she  got  to  goin'.  But  it  can't  be  denied  that  she  had  great 
reason  for  her  feelin's,  for  the  strongest  argument  wuz  still 
to  come.  I  spoze  she  got  almost  carried  away  by  her  own 
talk  and  feelin's,  for  all  of  a  sudden  they  said  she  lifted  her 
long  bony  hand  and  arm — Arvilly  always  wuz  kinder  spare 
in  flesh — she  lifted  up  her  arm  and  her  bony  forefinger 
seemed  to  be  follerin'  the  lines  of  some  words  writ  up  there 
on  the  wall,  sez  she  slowly,  in  a  awful  voice : 

"  My  country !  thou  are  weighed  in  the  balance  and  found 
wanting ! " 

It  wuz  indeed  thrillin',  but  after  a  minute's  silence  she 
went  on :  "  Look  at  me !  "  sez  she,  pintin'  that  same  fore 
finger  first  at  herself  and  then  at  the  tall  veiled  figger  of 
the  young  girl  beside  her — "  Look  at  us;  we,  the  people, 
represent  to  you  another  of  your  favorite  reforms,  the  Can 
teen,  that  product  of  civilization  and  Christianity  you  trans 
planted  from  our  holy  shores  to  the  benighted  tropics.  How 
many  petitions  have  you  had  wet  with  the  tears  of  wives 
7 


98       AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  mothers,  weighted  down  with  their  prayers  to  close  this 
gateway  to  hell.  But  no,  for  a  price,  as  Judas  sold  his  Lord, 
you  have  trafficked  in  human  souls  and  will  do  so.  And 
you  are  the  power — you  control;  we  are  the  people — we 
suffer.  We  leave  all  we  love,  we  go  out  and  fight  your  bat 
tles  when  you  tell  us  to,  we  face  mutilation  and  death  for 
you — isn't  that  enough?  No;  besides  the  foe  in  front  you 
set  us  aginst,  you  introduce  a  foe  into  our  midst  that  is  a 
million  times  as  fatal  and  remorseless.  The  foe  in  front  only 
aims  at  our  bodies;  this  foe,  before  it  kills  our  bodies,  kills 
honor,  manhood,  all  that  is  noble  and  worthy  to  be  loved — 
a  devilish  foe  indeed,  but  by  your  command  it  is  let  loose 
upon  us;  we  are  the  people,  we  must  endure  it.  Look  at 
me  1 " — agin  she  pinted  that  bony  forefinger  at  herself — "  I 
had  a  husband  I  loved  as  well  as  the  gracious  lady  in  the 
White  House  loves  her  husband.  He  wuz  a  good  man.  He 
thought  he  owed  a  duty  to  his  country.  He  went  to  fight 
her  battles  at  her  call.  He  might  have  escaped  Spanish  bul 
lets,  but  not  this  foe  this  Christian  govermunt  set  aginst 
him.  In  a  low  Canteen,  a  vile  drinking  den,  rented  by  you 
for  the  overthrow  of  men's  souls  and  bodies,  in  a  drunken 
brawl  a  bullet  aimed  by  a  crazed  brain  for  another  poor 
ruined  boy  reached  my  husband's  faithful  heart,  faithful  to 
the  country  that  slew  him,  not  for  patriotism  or  honor,  but 
for  a  few  pennies  of  money — not  even  the  thirty  pieces  of 
silver  Judas  earnt  for  betraying  his  Lord.  This  bullet  wuz 
sent  from  the  hand  of  a  young  man,  a  college  graduate,  one 
of  the  noblest,  brightest  and  best  of  men  until  this  foe  our 
govermunt  set  for  him  vanquished  him.  He  got  into  a 
quarrel  with  another  drunken  youth,  another  victim  of  the 
Canteen,  and  meant  to  shoot  him,  but  the  unsteady  hand 
sent  it  into  the  heart  of  my  husband,  who  went  into  that  vile 
place  thinkin'  he  could  appease  the  quarrel.  This  young 
man  was  shot  for  your  crime  and  here  is  his  widow,"  and 
turning  to  Waitstill,  she  said,  "  Lift  up  your  vail ;  let  them 
look  upon  us,  the  people." 


The  young  girl  drew  back  her  vail  and  a  face  of  almost 
perfect  beauty  wuz  disclosed,  but  white  as  death.  The  big 
dark  eyes  wuz  full  of  sorrow  and  despair,  sadder  than  tears. 
She  simply  said  : 

"  I  loved  him — he  was  murdered — I  have  come  to  de 
nounce  his  murderers." 

Her  voice  wuz  low,  but  the  words  fell  like  drops  of  blood, 
so  vivid,  so  full  were  they  of  the  soul  of  her  being. 

"  Yes,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  and  you  are  his  murderer.  Not 
the  Spaniards,  not  the  foe  of  this  govermunt  that  the  poor 
young  fellow  tried  with  a  boy's  warm-hearted  patriotism  to 
save.  You  murdered  him."  She  turned  to  let  her  com 
panion  speak  agin,  but  the  power  to  speak  had  gone  from 
her;  her  slender  figure  swayed  and  Arvilly  caught  her  in 
her  strong  arms.  She  had  fainted  almost  away;  she  could 
say  no  more.  But  what  more  could  she  say  to  this  gover 
munt. 

"  He  was  murdered — I  loved  him — I  have  come  to  de 
nounce  his  murderers." 

Arvilly  helped  Waitstill  down  on  a  bench  where  she 
leaned  back  still  and  white  most  as  if  she  wuz  dead.  But 
before  Arvilly  went  out  with  Waitstill  leanin'  on  her  arm, 
she  turned  and  faced  them  dumb-foundered  men  once  more : 

"  Who  is  accountable  for  the  death  of  her  lover?  "  pintin' 
to  the  frail,  droopin'  figger.  "  Who  is  accountable  for  the 
death  of  my  husband?  Who  is  accountable  for  the  death 
and  everlastin'  ruin  of  my  son,  my  husband,  my  father  and 
my  lover?  sez  the  millions  of  weepin'  wimmen  in  America 
that  the  Canteen,  and  saloon  have  killed  and  ruined.  These 
questions  unanswered  by  you  are  echoin'  through  the  hull 
country  demandin'  an  answer.  They  sweep  up  aginst  the 
hull  framework  of  human  laws  made  professedly  to  protect 
the  people,  aginst  every  voter  in  the  land,  aginst  the  rulers 
in  Washington,  D.  C,  aginst  the  Church  of  Christ — failing 
to  git  an  answer  from  them  they  sweep  up  to  God's  throne. 
There  they  will  git  a  reply.  Woe!  woe!  to  you  rulers  who 


100     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

deviseth  iniquity  to  overthrow  the  people  committed  to  your 
care." 

Arvilly  then  went  out,  leadin'  Waitstill,  and  when  she 
come  back  to  Jonesville  she  come  with  her,  a  patient 
mourner,  good  to  everybody  and  goin'  out  to  day's  works 
for  seventy-five  cents  a  day,  for  she  had  no  other  way  to 
live,  for  she  wuzn't  strong  enough  then  to  go  on  with  her 
nursing  and  she  hadn't  a  relation  on  earth,  and  the  man 
our  govermunt  murdered  in  that  Canteen  represented  all 
there  wuz  on  this  broad  earth  for  her  to  love.  They  wor 
shipped  each  other,  and  Waitstill  is  waitin'  till  the  time  comes 
for  her  to  die  and  meet  the  man  she  loved  and  lost,  havin' 
to  live  in  the  meantime,  because  she  couldn't  stop  breathin' 
till  her  time  come.  So,  as  I  say,  she  went  out  doin'  plain 
sewin',  beloved  by  all  both  great  and  small,  but  a  mourner 
if  there  ever  wuz  one,  lookin'  at  his  picture  day  in  and  day 
out,  which  she  wears  in  her  bosom  in  a  locket — a  handsome, 
manly  face,  took  before  our  govermunt  made  a  crazy  luna- 
tick  and  a  murderer  of  him. 

Jest  as  different  from  Arvilly  as  day  is  from  night,  but 
the  cold  hands  of  grief  holds  their  hearts  together  and  I 
spoze  that  she  will  always  make  it  her  home  with  Arvilly  as 
long  as  she  lives,  she  wants  her  to — that  is,  if  the  plan  I  have 
in  my  head  and  heart  don't  amount  to  anything,  but  I  hope 
for  the  land  sake  that  it  will,  for  as  I've  said  many  a  time 
and  gin  hints  to  her,  there  never  wuz  two  folks  more  made 
for  each  other  than  she  and  Elder  White. 

But  she's  gone  now  to  the  Philippines  as  a  nurse  in  a 
hospital,  which  shows  how  different  she  and  Arvilly  feels; 
Arvilly  sez  that  she  wouldn't  do  anything  to  help  the  gov 
ermunt  agin  in  any  way,  shape  or  manner,  not  if  they  should 
chain  her  and  drag  her  to  the  front;  she  would  die  before 
she  would  help  the  great,  remorseless  power  that  killed  her 
husband  for  a  little  money.  She's  made  in  jest  that  way, 
Arvilly  is,  jest  as  faithful  to  the  remembrance  of  her  wrongs 
as  a  dog  is  to  a  bone,  settin'  and  gnawin'  at  it  all  the  time. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    101 

And  when  they  come  to  collect  her  taxes  last  year  she  says : 

"  No  taxes  will  you  ever  git  out  of  me  to  help  rare  up 
Saloons  and  Canteens  to  kill  some  other  woman's  husband." 

"  But,"  sez  the  tax  man,  a  real  good  man  he  wuz  and 
mild  mannered,  "  you  should  be  willing  to  help  maintain  the 
laws  of  your  country  that  protects  you." 

And  then  I  spose  that  man's  hair  (it  wuz  pretty  thin, 
anyway)  riz  right  up  on  his  head  to  hear  her  go  on  tellin' 
about  the  govermunt  killin'  her  husband.  But  seein'  she 
wuz  skarin'  him  she  kinder  quelled  herself  down  and  sez: 

"  What  has  this  country  ever  done  for  me.  I  have  had 
no  more  voice  in  makin'  the  laws  than  your  dog  there. 
Your  dog  is  as  well  agin  off,  for  it  don't  have  to  obey  the 
laws,  that  it  has  no  part  in  makin'.  If  it  digs  up  a  good 
bone  it  don't  have  to  give  it  to  some  dog  politician  to  raise 
money  to  buy  dog  buttons  to  kill  other  dogs  and  mebby  its 
own  pups.  Not  one  cent  of  taxes  duz  this  hell-ridden  gov 
ermunt  git  out  of  me  agin — if  I  can  help  it." 

The  man  ketched  up  his  tax  list  and  flewed  from  the 
house,  but  returned  with  minions  of  the  law  who  seized  on 
and  sold  her  shote  she  wuz  fattin'  for  winter's  use;  sold  it 
to  the  saloon  keeper  over  to  Zoar  for  about  half  what  it 
wuz  worth,  only  jest  enough  to  pay  her  tax.  But  then  the 
saloon  keeper  controlled  a  lot  of  bum  votes  and  the  col 
lector  wanted  to  keep  in  with  him. 

Yes,  as  I  wuz  sayin',  Waitstill  Webb  is  as  different  from 
Arvilly  as  a  soft  moonlight  night  lit  by  stars  is  from  a  snap- 
pin'  frosty  noonday  in  January.  Droopin'  like  a  droopin' 
dove,  feelin'  that  the  govermunt  wuz  the  worst  enemy  she 
and  her  poor  dead  boy  ever  had,  as  it  turned  out,  but  still 
ready  to  say: 

"  Oh  Lord,  forgive  my  enemy,  the  Government  of  the 
United  States,  for  it  knows  what  it  does." 

Which  she  felt  wuz  ten-fold  worse  than  as  if  it  did  wick 
edly  without  knowin'  it,  and  she  knew  that  they  knowed  all 
about  it  and  couldn't  deny  it,  for  besides  all  the  good  men 


102     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  wimmen  that  had  preached  to  'em  about  it,  they  had 
had  such  sights  of  petitions  sent  in  explainin'  it  all  out  and 
beggin'  'em  to  stop  it,  onheeded  by  them  and  scorfed  at. 
But  she  stood  ready  to  go  agin  and  serve  the  govermunt 
as  a  nurse,  trying  to  heal  the  woonds  caused  by  bullet  and 
knife,  and  the  ten-fold  worse  woonds  caused  by  our  gover- 
munt's  pet  wild  beast  it  rents  out  there  to  worry  and  kill 
its  brave  defenders.  I  looked  forward  with  warm  anticipa 
tions  to  seein'  her,  for  I  sot  store  by  her.  She  had  fixed 
over  my  gray  alpacky  as  good  as  new,  and  made  me  a  couple 
of  ginghams,  and  I  thought  more  of  havin'  her  with  me  than 
I  did  of  her  work,  and  once  when  I  wuz  down  with  a  crick 
in  the  back,  and  couldn't  stir,  she  come  right  there  and 
stayed  by  me  and  did  for  me  till  the  creek  dwindled  down 
and  disappeared.  Her  presence  is  some  like  the  Bam  of 
Gilead,  and  her  sweet  face  and  gentle  ways  make  her  like 
an  angel  in  the  sick  room.  Arvilly  is  more  like  a  mustard 
plaster  than  Bam.  But  everybody  knows  that  mustard  is 
splendid  for  drawin'  attention  to  it;  if  it  draws  as  it  ort  to, 
mustard  must  and  will  attract  and  hold  attention.  And  I 
spoze  there  hain't  no  tellin'  what  good  Arvilly  has  done 
and  mebby  will  do  by  her  pungent  and  sharp  tongue  to  draw 
attention  to  wrongs  and  inspire  efforts  to  ameliorate  'em. 
And  the  same  Lord  made  the  Bam  of  Gilead  and  mustard, 
and  they  go  well  together.  When  mustard  has  done  its 
more  painful  work  then  the  Bam  comes  in  and  duz  its  work 
of  healin'  and  consolin'.  'Tennyrate  anybody  can  see  that 
they  are  both  on  'em  as  earnest  and  sincere  in  wantin'  to 
do  right  as  any  human  creeters  can  be,  and  are  dretful  well 
thought  on  all  over  Jonesville  and  as  fur  out  as  Loontown 
and  Zoar.  / 

Some  wimmen  would  have  held  a  grudge  aginst  the  man 
that  murdered  her  husband  and  not  bore  the  sight  of  the 
one  who  loved  and  mourned  him  so  constant.  But  Arvilly 
had  too  much  good  horse  sense  for  that;  she  contends  that 
neither  of  the  men  who  wuz  fightin'  wuz  much  to  blame. 


She  sez  that  if  a  sane,  well  man  should  go  out  and  dig  a 
deep  pit  to  catch  men  for  so  much  a  head,  and  cover  it  all 
over  with  green  grass  and  blossoms  and  put  a  band  of  music 
behind  it  to  tempt  men  to  walk  out  on  it,  to  say  nothin'  of 
a  slidin'  path  leadin'  down  to  it,  all  soft  with  velvet  and  rosy 
with  temptations,  if  a  lot  of  hot-headed  youth  and  weak  men 
and  generous  open-minded  men  who  wuzn't  lookin'  for  any 
thing  wrong,  should  fall  into  it  and  be  drownded  for  so  much 
a  head,  she  sez  the  man  who  dug  the  pit  and  got  so  much 
apiece  for  the  men  he  led  in  and  ruined  would  be  more  to 
blame  than  the  victims,  and  she  sez  the  man  who  owned 
the  ground  and  encouraged  it  to  go  on  would  be  more  to 
blame  than  the  man  who  dug  the  pit.  And  further  back 
the  men  who  made  the  laws  to  allow  such  doin's,  and  men 
who  voted  to  allow  it,  and  ministers  and  the  Church  of 
Christ,  who  stood  by  like  Pilate,  consenting  to  it  and  en 
couraged  by  their  indifference  and  neglect  what  they  might 
have  stopped  if  they  wanted  to — they  wuz  most  to  blame 
of  all. 

Well,  this  is  what  Arvilly  has  went  through. 

Day  by  day  we  sailed  onwards,  and  if  the  days  wuz  beau 
tiful,  the  nights  wuz  heavenly,  lit  by  the  glowin'  moon  that 
seemed  almost  like  another  sun,  only  softer  and  mellerer 
lookin';  and  the  lustrous  stars  of  the  tropics  seemed  to  flash 
and  glitter  jest  over  our  head  almost  as  if  we  could  reach 
up  and  gather  'em  in  our  hands  into  a  sheaf  of  light. 

The  weather  seemed  to  moderate  and  we  had  to  put  on 
our  thinnest  garments  in  the  middle  of  the  day.  But  my 
poor  Josiah  could  not  make  much  change;  he  had  to  wear 
his  pepper-and-salt  costoom  in  publick,  which  wuz  pretty 
thick,  but  I  fixed  sunthin'  for  him  to  wear  in  our  state-room, 
where  we  passed  considerable  time.  I  took  one  of  my  out 
ing  jackets  that  was  cut  kinder  bask  fashion,  trimmed  with 
lace  and  bows  of  ribbon  and  pinned  it  over  in  the  back,  and 
it  fitted  him  quite  well  and  wuz  cool.  He  liked  it;  he 


104    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

thought  it  become  him,  it  wuz  so  dressy,  but  I  wouldn't  let 
him  appear  in  publick  in  it. 

I  dressed  Tommy  in  his  summer  suit,  and  wore  my  fig- 
gered  lawn  and  wuz  none  too  cool.  We  only  had  one  heavy 
storm,  but  that  wuz  fearful;  everything  dashed  round  and 
wuz  broke  that  could  be.  I  put  Tommy  in  his  little  crib 
and  fastened  him  in,  and  fastened  my  most  precious  treas 
ure,  Josiah,  to  the  berth.  I  then  tied  myself  up,  and  we 
bore  it  as  well  as  we  could,  though  every  time  the  ship  went 
down  into  the  trough  of  the  sea  I  felt  that  it  wuz  dubersome 
about  its  ever  comin'  out  agin,  and  every  time  it  mounted 
up  on  one  of  them  stupendous  billers,  higher  than  the  Jones- 
ville  meetin'  house,  I  felt  doubtful  whether  or  no  it  would 
fall  bottom  side  up  or  not.  Tommy  wuz  cryin',  and  Josiah 
wuz  kinder  whimperin',  though  for  my  sake  he  wuz  tryin' 
to  bear  up.  But  I'll  hang  a  curtain  up  before  that  seen  and 
not  take  it  down  agin  till  we  wuz  all  ontied  and  the  sun  wuz 
shinin'  down  on  smoother  waters. 

At  last  after  seven  days'  stiddy  sailin'  a  little  spec  wuz 
seen  in  the  distance  one  mornin'  gradually  growin'  in  size, 
and  other  litle  specks  wuz  sighted,  also  growin'  gradual,  and 
at  last  they  turned  to  solid  land  rising  up  out  of  the  blue 
water,  clad  in  strange  and  beautiful  verdure  behind  the  white 
foamin'  billers  of  surf.  And  instinctively  as  we  looked  on't 
I  broke  out  singin'  onbeknown  to  me,  and  Josiah  jined  in 
in  deep  base: 

"Sweet  fields  beyend  the  swellin'  flood 
Stand  dressed  in  livin'  green." 

We  sung  it  to  Balermy.  Josiah  hain't  much  of  a  singer, 
and  my  voice  hain't  what  it  once  wuz,  but  I  d'no  as  in  any 
conference  meetin'  that  him  ever  sounded  sweeter  to  me, 
or  I  sung  it  with  more  of  the  sperit. 


CHAPTER    IX 

OW  beautiful  wuz  the  shore  as  we  approached 
it,  its  scenery  different  from  Jonesville  scenery, 
but  yet  worth  seem' — yes,  indeed!  Mountain 
and  valley,  rock  and  green  velvet  verdure,  tall 
palm  trees  shadin'  kinder  low  houses,  but  still 
beautiful  and  attractive.  And  what  beautiful  colors  greeted 
our  weary  eyes  as  we  drew  nigher.  I  though  of  that  gate 
of  Jerusalem  the  Golden,  all  enamelled  with  emerald,  ame 
thyst,  chalcedony,  and  pearl  sot  in  gold.  The  golden  brown 
earth  made  from  melted  lava,  the  feathery  foliage  of  the 
palms  that  riz  up  beyend  the  dazzlin'  white  beach,  the  crystal 
blue  waters  with  myriad-hued  fishes  playing  down  in  its 
crystal  depths.  Oh,  how  fair  the  seen  as  we  approached 
nearer  and  see  plainer  and  plainer  the  pictured  beauty  of 
the  shore.  Shinin'  green  valley,  emerald-topped  mountain, 
amethyst  sea;  which  wuz  the  most  beautiful  it  wuz  hard  to 
say. 

Evangeline  Noble  stood  off  by  herself  leanin'  on  the  rail 
of  the  deck  as  if  she  see  through  the  beauty  into  the  inner 
heart  of  things,  and  see  in  her  mind's  eye  all  the  work  her 
own  people,  the  missionaries,  had  done  there.  The  thought 
that  they  had  taken  the  natives  like  diamonds  incrusted  in 
dirt  and  cleansed  them  of  the  blackest  of  their  habits.  She 
see  in  the  past  natives  burying  their  children  alive,  putting 
to  death  the  mentally  weak,  worshipping  horrible  idols,  kill 
ing  and  eating  their  enemies,  etc.,  etc.  But  now,  under  the 
blessed  light  of  the  torch,  that  long  procession  of  martyrs 
had  held  up,  the  former  things  wuz  passin'  away,  and  she, 
too,  wuz  one  of  that  blessed  host  of  God's  helpers.  She 
looked  riz  up  and  radiant  as  if  she  see  way  beyend  the  islands 


106     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

of  the  sea  and  all  she  hoped  to  do  for  her  Master  on  earth, 
and  as  if  he  wuz  talking  to  her  now,  teaching  her  his  will. 

Nigher  to  us  Elder  Wessel  wuz  standing,  and  he  sez, 
lifting  up  his  eyes  to  heaven : 

"  Oh  islands  of  the  sea !  where  every  prospect  pleases 
and  only  man  is  vile." 

And  Arvilly  hearn  him  and  snapped  out,  "  I  d'no  as 
they're  so  very  vile  till  traders  and  other  civilized  folks  teach 
'em  to  drink  and  cheat  and  tear  round."  His  eyes  lost  in 
a  minute  that  heavenly  expression  they  had  wore  and  sez  he : 

"  Oh,  islands  of  the  sea !  where  every  prospect  pleases 
and  eat  each  other  up  and  etcetery." 

"  Well,  I  d'no,"  sez  she,  "  but  I'd  ruther  be  killed  to  once 
by  a  club  and  eat  up  and  be  done  with  than  to  die  by  inches 
as  wimmen  do  under  our  civilized  American  license  laws. 
The  savages  kill  their  enemies,  but  the  American  savage  kills 
the  one  that  loves  him  best,  and  has  to  see  her  children 
turned  into  brutes  and  ruffians,  under  what  is  called  a  Chris 
tian  dispensation.  There  hain't  no  hypocrisy  and  Pharisee- 
ism  in  a  good  straight  club  death,  and  most  likely  whilst  he 
wuz  eatin'  me  up  he  wouldn't  pose  before  foreign  nations  as 
a  reformer  and  civilizer  of  the  world." 

"  Oh,  Sister  Arvilly,"  sez  he,  "  think  of  the  hideous  idols 
they  worship !  You  can't  approve  of  that,"  sez  he. 

But  Arvilly,  the  ondanted,  went  on,  "  Well  I  never  see 
or  hearn  of  any  savage  idol  to  compare  in  hegiousness  with 
the  Whiskey  Power  that  is  built  up  and  pampered  and  wor 
shipped  by  Americans  rich  and  poor,  high  and  low,  Church 
and  State.  Let  any  one  make  a  move  to  tear  that  idol  down 
from  its  altar,  made  of  dead  men's  bones,  and  see  what  a 
flutter  there  is  in  the  camp,  how  new  laws  are  made  and  old 
laws  shoved  aside,  and  new  laws  fixed  over,  and  the  highest 
and  the  lowest  will  lie  and  cringe  and  drag  themselves  on 
their  knees  in  front  of  it  to  protect  it  and  worship  it.  Don't 
talk  to  me  about  your  wood  idols;  they  hain't  nothin'  to  be 
compared  to  it.  They  stay  where  they're  put,  they  don't 


AROUND  THE  WOULD  WtTE  JOSIAH  A.LLBW8  WIFE    107 

rare  round  and  kill  their  worshippers  as  this  Whiskey  Idol  daz. 
I'd  think  enough  sight  more  of  some  men  high  in  authority 
if  they  would  buy  a  good  clean  basswood  idol  and  put  it 
up  in  the  Capitol  at  Washington,  D.  C,  and  kneel  down  be 
fore  it  three  times  a  day,  than  to  do  what  they  are  doin'; 
they  wouldn't  do  half  the  hurt  and  God  knows  it,  and  He 
would  advise  'em  that  way  if  they  ever  got  nigh  enough  to 
Him  so's  He  could  speak  to  'em  at  all." 

"  Oh,  Sister  Arvilly ! "  sez  Elder  Wessel,  and  he  looked 
as  if  he  would  faint  away.  And  I  too  wuz  shocked  to  my  soul* 
specially  as  Josiah  whispered  kinder  low  to  me: 

"  Samantha,  we  might  git  a  small  idol  whilst  we're  here. 
You  know  it  would  come  handy  in  hayin*  time  and  when  the 
roads  are  drifted  full," 

I  looked  at  him  in  a  way  that  he  will  remember  through 
his  hull  life,  and  sez  he  quick,  "  I  shan't  do  nothin'  of  the  kind 
unless  you're  willin'." 

"  Willin' !  "  sez  I,  in  heart-broken  axents.  "  What  will 
happen  next  to  me?  "  And  then  indignation  dried  my  tears 
before  they  fell  and  I  sez,  "  I  command  you,  Josiah  Allen,  to 
never  speak  to  me  on  this  subject  agin;  or  think  on't! "  sez 
I  fiercely. 

He  muttered  sunthin'  about  thinkin'  what  he  wuz  a 
mindter.  And  I  turned  to  Arvilly  and  sez,  to  git  her  mind 
off: 

"  See  that  native,  Arvilly,  standin'  up  on  that  board !  " 

For  as  our  good  ship  bore  us  onward  we  see  crowds  of 
natives  standin'  up  on  little  tottlin'  boards,  dartin'  through 
the  water  every  which  way,  risin'  and  fallin'  on  the  waves. 
I  couldn't  done  it  to  save  my  life.  No,  Josiah  nor  me  couldn't 
stood  on  boards  like  that  on  our  creek,  to  say  nothin'  of  the 
Pacific  Ocean.  But  we  should  never  have  appeared  in  public 
dressed  in  that  way — it  wuzn't  decent,  and  I  told  Josiah  I 
wouldn't  look  at  'em  if  I  wuz  in  his  place ;  I  mistrusted  that 
some  on  'em  might  be  wimmen.  And  then  I  thought  of 
the  Garden  of  Eden,  when  Adam  and  Eve  first  took 


place,  and  I  didn't  really  know  what  to  think.  But  I  drawed 
Arvilly's  attention  to  one  on  'em  that  seemed  extra  dextrious 
in  managin'  his  board  and  sez,  "  How  under  the  sun  duz  he 
do  it,  Arvilly?  " 

"  I  d'no,"  sez  she,  and  she  added  dreamily,  "  I  wonder 
if  he  would  want  a  copy  of  the  '  Twin  Crimes/  or  the 
'  Wicked  and  Warlike.'  If  I  do  sell  any  here  to  the  natives 
it'll  put  some  new  idees  in  their  heads  about  idol  worship 
wickeder  and  warliker  than  they  ever  had."  Miss  Meechim 
and  Dorothy  wuz  approachin'  and  Robert  Strong  I  see 
looked  off  with  rapt  eyes  onto  the  glorious  seen.  And  as  no 
two  can  see  the  same  things  in  any  picture,  but  see  the  idees 
of  their  own  mind,  blended  in  and  shadin'  the  view,  I  spozed 
that  Robert  Strong  see  rared  up  on  the  foreground  of  that 
enchantin*  seen  his  ideal  City  of  Justice,  where  gigantic 
trusts,  crushin'  the  people's  life  out,  never  sot  its  feet,  but 
love,  equality  and  good  common  sense  sot  on  their  thrones 
in  the  middle  on't,  and  the  people  they  ruled  wuz  prosperous 
and  happy.  And  anon  he  looked  down  into  Dorothy's  sweet 
face  as  if  no  foreign  shore  or  any  inner  vision  ever  looked 
so  good  to  him. 

Miss  Meechim  hated  to  have  Dorothy  see  them  natives, 
1  see  she  did ;  actin'  so  skittish  towards  the  male  sect  always, 
it  wuz  dretful  galdin'  to  her  to  see  'em  in  that  state  and  spe 
cially  to  have  Dorothy  see  'em.  She  looked  awful  appre 
hensive  towards  them  swimmers  and  board  riders  and  then 
at  her  niece.  But  when  she  catched  sight  of  Robert  by  her 
side  a  look  of  warm  relief  swep'  over  her  anxious  face,  as  if 
in  her  mind's  eye  she  see  Dorothy  by  his  help  walkin'  through 
the  future  a  prosperous  and  contented  bacheldor  maid. 

Tommy  wuz  kinder  talkin'  to  himself  or  to  his  invisible 
playmate.  He  wonnered  how  he  wuz  goin'  to  git  on  shore, 
wonnerin'  if  he  could  stand  up  on  one  of  them  little  boards 
and  if  his  grandpa  and  grandma  would  each  have  one  to 
stand  up  on,  and  kinder  lookin'  forward  to  such  an  experi 
ence  I  could  see,  and  Josiah  wuz  wonderin'  how  soon  he 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE     109 

could  git  a  good  meat  dinner.  And  so  as  on  shore  or  sea 
each  one  wuz  seein'  what  their  soul's  eye  had  to  see,  and 
shakin'  ever  and  anon  their  own  particular  skeletons,  and 
shettin'  'em  up  agin'  in  their  breast  closets. 

Well,  as  we  approached  nigher  and  nigher  the  wharf  we 
see  men  dressed  in  every  way  you  could  think  on  from  petti 
coats  to  pantaloons,  and  men  of  every  color  from  black 
down  through  brown  and  yeller  to  white,  and  wimmen  the 
same.  Well,  it  wuzn't  long  before  we  wuz  ensconced  in  the 
comfortable  tarven  where  we  put  up.  Elder  Wessel  and  his 
daughter  and  Evangeline  Noble  went  to  the  same  tarven, 
which  made  me  glad,  for  I  like  'em  both  as  stars  differin'. 
Elder  Wessel  I  regarded  more  as  one  of  the  little  stars  in 
the  Milky  Way,  but  Evangeline  as  one  of  the  big  radiant 
orbs  that  flashed  over  our  heads  in  them  tropic  nights. 

The  tarven  we  went  to  wuz  called  the  Hawaiian  Hotel. 
We  got  good  comfortable  rooms,  Arvilly's  bein'  nigh  to  ourn 
and  Dorothy's  and  Miss  Meechim's  acrost  the  hall  and  the 
rest  of  the  company  comfortably  located  not  fur  away.  Well, 
the  next  mornin'  Josiah  and  I  with  Tommy  walked  through 
some  of  the  broad  beautiful  streets,  lined  with  houses  built 
with  broad  verandas  most  covered  with  vines  and  flowers 
and  shaded  by  the  most  beautiful  trees  you  ever  see,  tall 
palms  with  their  stems  round  and  smooth  as  my  rollin'  pin 
piercin'  the  blue  sky,  and  fur,  fur  up  the  long  graceful  leaves, 
thirty  feet  long  some  on  'em.  And  eucalyptus  and  begoniea 
and  algebora  with  its  lovely  foliage,  and  pepper  trees  and 
bananas  and  pomegranates  and  tamarind  and  bread  fruit  and 
rose  apples,  tastin'  and  smellin'  a  good  deal  like  a  rosy.  And 
magnificent  oleanders  and  fuchias  and  geraniums  and  every 
other  beautiful  tree  and  blossom  you  ever  hearn  on. 

And  take  it  with  these  rich  colored  posies  and  luxuriant 
green  foliage  and  the  white  suits  and  hats  of  the  men,  and 
the  gay  colored  clothing  of  the  women  we  met,  lots  of  them 
with  wreaths  of  flowers  round  their  necks  hangin'  most  to 
their  feet,  take  it  all  together  it  wuz  a  seen  long,  long  to  be 


110    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

remembered.  And  then  we  walked  up  on  Punch  Bowl  Hill, 
five  hundred  feet  above  the  level  of  the  sea,  and  looked  off 
on  a  broad  beautiful  picture  of  sea,  mountain  and  valley  soft 
and  beautiful  and  a-bloom  with  verdure,  and  anon  bold, 
rugged  and  sublime,  and  I  sez  to  Josiah : 

"  This  very  place  where  we're  standin'  now  wuz  once 
a  volcano  and  belched  forth  flames,  and  that  also,"  sez  I,  pint- 
in'  to  Tantalus  that  riz  up  two  thousand  feet.  "  And,"  sez  I, 
"  they  say  that  the  view  from  that  is  glorious." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  I  guess  we  hadn't  better  climb  up 
there;  it  might  bust  out  agin.  And  I  wouldn't  have  you 
sot  fire  to,  Samantha,  for  a  thousand  worlds  like  this,"  (he 
didn't  want  the  work  of  climbin',  that  wuz  it).  And  I  didn't 
argy  with  him?  for  I  thought  it  would  be  quite  a  pull  for  us 
to  git  up  there  and  git  Tommy  up,  and  I  didn't  know  as 
the  child  ort  to  climb  so  fur,  so  I  didn't  oppose  my  pardner 
when  he  propsed  to  go  back  to  the  tarven,  and  we  santered 
back  through  the  streets  filled  with  citizens  of  all  countries 
and  dressed  accordin',  to  the  grounds  around  the  tarven. 
We  put  Tommy  into  a  hammock  and  sot  down  peaceful 
nigh  by  him.  The  sun  shone  down  gloriously  out  of  a  clear 
blue  sky,  but  we  sot  in  the  shade  and  so  enjoyed  it,  the 
bammy  air  about  us  seemed  palpitating  with  langrous  beauty 
and  fragrance,  and  I  sez  to  my  pardner : 

"  Don't  this  remind  you,  Josiah,  of  what  we've  heard 
Thomas  J.  read  about : 

" '  The  island  valley  of  Avileon 

Where  falls  not  rain  nor  hail  nor  any  snow/  " 

"  Where  it  seems  always  afternoon." 

"  I  d'no,"  sez  Josiah,  "  as  I  ever  hearn  of  such  a  land.  1 
never  wuz  any  hand  to  lay  abed  all  the  forenoon." 

"  But,  Josiah,  there  is  sunthin'  so  dreamy  and  soothin', 
so  restful  in  the  soft  slumbrous  atmosphere,  it  seems  as  if 
one  could  jest  lay  down  in  that  hammock,  look  off  onto  the 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEYS  WIFE    111 

entrancin'  beauty  around,  breathin'  the  soft  balmy  air,  and 
jest  lay  there  forever." 

"  I  guess,"  sez  he,  "  that  the  dinner  bell  would  be  apt  to 
roust  you  out  the  second  or  third  day." 

But  Miss  Meechim  jined  us  at  jest  this  minute,  and  she 
sez  to  me,  "  I  feel  just  as  you  do,  I  feel  as  though  I  would 
fain  dwell  here  forever." 

And  Josiah  sez :  "  I  believe  it  would  be  a  good  thing  for 
you,  Miss  Meechim,  to  stay  here  right  along;  you  could 
probable  do  considerable  good  here  preachin'  to  the  natives 
aginst  marriage,  they're  pretty  apt  to  marry  too  much  if 
they're  let  alone,  and  you  might  curb  'em  in  some."  (Josiah 
can't  bear  Miss  Meechim,  her  idees  on  matrimony  are  re 
pugnant  to  him.)  But  she  didn't  argy  with  him.  She  sez: 
"  Robert  is  planning  a  trip  to  the  Pali,  and  wants  to  know 
if  you  won't  join  us." 

And  Josiah  says,  "  Who  is  Pali?  " 

And  she  sez,  "  It  is  the  precipice  five  hundred  feet  high, 
where  King  Kamehameha  drove  off  his  enemies." 

Well,  we  wuz  agreeable  and  jined  the  party.  Robert 
had  got  a  wagonette  and  he  and  Dorothy,  Miss  Meechim  and 
Arvilly  and  Josiah  and  I  jest  filled  the  seats,  Tommy  sot  in 
Josiah's  lap  or  between  us. 

It  is  quite  a  long  ride  to  the  Pali,  but  we  didn'  realize  it, 
because  the  scenery  all  along  is  so  lovely  and  so  novel.  That 
view  from  the  top  I  hain't  a-goin'  to  try  to  describe,  nor  I 
sha'n't  let  Josiah  try ;  I  don't  like  to  have  that  man  flat  out  in 
his  undertakin's.  Good  land !  do  you  want  us  to  tell  how  many 
sands  there  wuz  on  the  flashing  white  beach  that  stretched 
out  milds  and  milds?  And  we  might  as  well  as  to  describe 
that  enchantin'  panorama  and  take  up  all  the  different  threads 
of  glory  that  lay  before  us  and  embroider  'em  on  language. 
No,  you  must  see  'em  for  yourself,  and  then  you  hain't  goin' 
to  describe  'em.  I  d'no  but  Carabi  could.  I  hearn  Tommy 
talkin'  and 
side  me,  but  no  mortal  can. 


Well,  I  thought  I  must  not  slight  the  volcano  Kilauea, 
which  meani  the  House  of  Everlasting  Fire.  And  how  that 
volcano  and  everything  in  Hawaii  reminded  me  of  the  queen 
who  once  rained  here — and  the  interview  I  once  had  with 
her.  We  happened  to  be  visitors  to  the  same  summer  resort. 
You  know  she  lives  in  Washington,  D.  C,  now. 

I  sent  word  that  I  wuz  there  and  craved  a  augence,  which 
wuz  gladly  granted.  She  had  hearn  of  me  and  I  had  hearn 
of  her,  which  made  everything  agreeable.  So  at  the  appinted 
hour  I  wuz  ushered  by  one  of  her  hired  men  into  her  pres 
ence.  I  liked  her  looks  first  rate;  of  course  she  hain't  what 
you  may  call  handsome,  and  her  complection  is  pretty  mid- 
dlin'  dark,  but  she  has  a  good  look  and  a  good  way  with 
her.  She  came  forward  and  greeted  me  with  great  cordial 
ity  and  gin  the  hand  I  extended  a  warm  grasp,  and  I  hern 
visey  versey,  and  sez  she : 

"  I  am  glad  to  see  you,  Josiah  Allen's  wife."  And  I  sez, 
speakin'  the  name  Liliukolani  well  as  I  could,  "  I  also  am 
glad  to  hail  the  Queen  of  the  Sandwich  Islands." 

That  tickled  her,  and  she  sez :  "  I  was  not  deceived  in 
you;  you  are  one  who  can  recognize  royalty  if  the  cloud  of 
adversity  and  trouble  is  wreathin'  it  in  its  black  folds." 

And  I  sez,  "  Clouds  often  covers  the  sun  and  moon,  but 
the  light  is  there  jest  the  same."  I  felt  to  pity  her  as  she 
went  on  and  related  her  troubles  to  me.  Her  throne  kicked 
out  from  under  her  by  them  that  wanted  to  set  down  on  it, 
the  high  chairs  of  her  loyal  friends  took  by  her  enemies  who 
craved  the  soft  cushions.  Even  her  private  property  grabbed 
away  from  her.  Why,  how  should  any  of  us  feel  to  have  a 
neighbor  walk  in  when  we  wuz  havin'  a  family  quarrel  and 
jest  clean  us  out  of  everything — kitchen  stove,  bureau,  bed 
and  beddin'  and  everything;  why,  it  would  rile  us  to  our 
depths,  any  on  us. 

She  sez,  "  I  feel  that  my  kingdom  wuz  stole  away  fr©m 
me."  And  I  sez: 

"  I  know  jest  how  you  feel.    There  wuz  a  woodsy  island 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     113 

down  in  our  creek  that  Josiah  had  called  hisen  for  years  and 
years,  rained  peaceful  and  prosperous  over  so  we  spozed,  it 
made  a  dretful  handy  place  for  our  young  stock  to  stand  in 
the  shade  in  the  summer,  and  our  ducks  and  geese  jest  made 
their  hum  there,  but  what  should  Bill  Yerden  do  when  he 
bought  the  old  Shelmadine  place  but  jest  scoop  up  that  island 
and  try  to  prove  that  it  wuz  hisen.  It  wuz  jest  stealin,'  Jo 
siah  and  I  always  felt  so.  But  he  wuz  down  with  tizik  at  the 
time,  and  I  wore  out  nussin'  him,  and  Bill  put  bob  iron 
fence  round  it,  real  sharp  bobs,  too,  and  we  had  to  gin  in. 
Of  course  it  wuzn't  a  big  spot,  but  we  despised  the  idee  of 
havin'  it  took  from  us  just  as  much  as  though  it  wuz  the  hull 
contient  of  Asia,  and  we  can't  git  over  it,  Josiah  nor  me  can't. 
And  I  know  jest  how  you  feel,  and  I  sympathize  with  you." 

And  she  sez,  "  Sympathy  is  sweet,  but  justice  is  sweeter." 

And  I  sez,  "  That  is  so,  but  when  you  can't  git  justice, 
sympathy  is  better  than  nothin'." 

"  Yes,"  sez  she,  "  I  know  it,  but  I  am  lookin'  forward  to 
the  day  when  I  shall  git  my  rights  agin.  I  am  jest  as  much 
a  queen  as  Queen  Alexandra  is  to-day,  and  my  kingdom 
is  just  as  much  mine." 

Sez  I,  "  That  is  just  the  way  Josiah  and  I  feel ;  we  can't 
help  lookin'  forward  to  gittin'  our  rights,  but  don't  spoze  we 
ever  shall,  for  life  is  short,  and  Josiah  don't  want  any  more 
of  our  live  stock  tore  up  on  them  bobs;  and,  as  I've  said  to 
Josiah  many  a  time,  Bill  Yerden  feels  guilty,  or  he  wouldn't 
rare  up  such  sharp  defences  round  it." 

Well,  we  had  a  good  deal  more  of  jest  such  profitable 
and  interestin'  talk  as  two  such  great  wimmen  would  nater- 
ally,  and  we  parted  away  from  each  other  with  a  cordial 
hand  shake  and  mutual  good  feelin'.  But  she  called  me  back 
and  sez  she :  "  I  want  to  give  you  one  word  of  solemn  warn- 
in'  before  we  part,"  and  I  stopped  stun  still  and  listened. 

"  I  don't  know,"  sez  she,  "  as  you'll  ever  be  a  queen." 

"  Well,  mebby  not,"  sez  I,  "  but  I  am  thought  a  sight 
on  in  Jonesville,  and  there  is  no  knowin'  what  may  happen." 
8 


114    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  "  if  you  ever  are  a  queen,  a  ruler  of  a 
kingdom,  don't  let  any  other  nation  protect  you.  Protect- 
in'/'  sez  she,  "  has  been  the  ruin  of  more  than  one  individual 
and  nation." 

And  I  promised  her  that  I  would  look  out  for  it  if  I  ever 
wuz  a  queen,  but  reminded  her  that  there  wuz  times  too  when 
it  came  handy,  and  saved  our  necks  to  be  protected,  and  then 
I  finished,  gracefully  backin'  out  of  her  presence.  I  like  her 
first  rate,  and  believe  she  is  a  likely  woman;  I  believe  she 
has  been  lied  about,  she  jest  the  same  as  told  me  she  had;  if 
she  wuz  a  woman  that  took  in  washin's  for  a  livin'  there 
wouldn't  have  been  so  much  said  about  her.  Why,  it  is  jest 
as  easy  for  envious  folks  to  run  them  high  in  position  and 
tr^  to  demean  'em  as  it  is  to  fall  off  a  log. 


CHAPTER   X 

OME  of  the  party  felt  that  they  couldn't  leave  the 
islands  without  seein'  the  great  Kilauea  and 
some  didn't  care  to  go.  I  felt  that  I  must  see 
it  and  so  did  Arvilly,  and  Josiah  looked  on  me 
as  fondly  and  proudly  as  if  I  myself  wuz  a  vol 
cano  and  said,  "  If  Samantha  goes  I  shall."  Robert  Strong 
wanted  to  go  and  so  did  Dorothy;  Miss  Meechim  didn't  feel 
like  going  and  offered  to  take  care  of  Tommy  with  the  help 
of  Aronette.  Elder  Wessel  wouldn't  go,  for  Lucia  wuzn't 
very  well  and  he  felt  that  she  had  better  stay  and  rest  at 
the  tarven,  and  I  spozed  that  Aronette  and  Lucia  would  have 
a  pretty  good  time,  for  they  always  seemed  to  when  they 
wuz  together.  Evangeline  Noble  was  visiting  some  friends 
of  hers  on  the  island.  There  wuz  a  smart  young  English 
clergyman  goin'  with  us  and  a  Scotchman,  both  good  lookin' 
and  good  actin'.  The  Scotchman  wuz  Sir  Duncan  Ramsey 
and  didn't  act  any  more  sot  up  than  if  he  wuz  a  plain  mister. 
He  paid  considerable  attention  to  Dorothy,  too,  but  Miss 
Meechim  said  that  she  didn't  worry  about  Dorothy  at  all 
since  I  would  chaperone  her,  and  Robert  wuz  going  to  pro 
tect  her  from  any  possible  lover.  Sez  Miss  Meechim : 

"  Robert  knows  that  I  would  almost  rather  have  that 
volcano  burst  forth  its  burning  lava  and  wash  her  away  on 
its  bosom  than  to  have  her  engulfed  in  that  terrible  state  of 
matrimony  from  which  I  and  mine  have  suffered  so  horribly." 
"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  I  can't  speak  for  you  and  yourn,  but  for 
me  and  ourn,"  sez  I,  "  no  state  under  the  heavens  would  be 
agreeable  for  me  to  live  in  if  my  beloved  pardner  wuzn't  in 
it  too." 


116     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Oh,  well,"  sez  she,  "  exceptions  prove  the  rule ;  your 
husband  is  congenial  and  good  to  you." 

"  Oh,  well,"  sez  I,  "  as  to  the  daily  acts  and  queer  moves 
of  pardners  the  least  said  the  soonest  mended,  but  Love  is 
the  great  ruler ;  where  he  rules  any  state  is  blest,  be  it  torrid 
or  frigid." 

That  evenin'  Arvilly  and  Elder  Wessel  had  a  argument 
about  votin'  and  other  things.  I  knew  I  ort  to  be  in  my 
room  packin'  my  satchel  bag,  for  we  expected  to  be  gone  a 
week  or  ten  days,  but  1  did  kinder  want  to  hear  how  their 
talk  come  out.  He  said  he  didn't  vote;  he  said  he  thought 
it  wuz  a  clergyman's  duty  to  set  and  judge  of  the  right  and 
wrong  of  actions,  not  take  part  in  'em. 

And  Arvilly  says,  "  I  always  spozed  the  Almighty  did 
that;  I  didn't  know  as  human  men  wuz  obleeged  to.  I  know 
he  cursed  them  that  dealt  in  strong  drink,  and  blest  them 
that  gin  even  a  cup  of  cold  water  to  the  little  ones,  which 
I  spoze  meant  help  to  the  poorest  and  lowest.  And  I  guess 
that  whatever  your  idees  are  about  it,  when  you  come  to 
the  judgment  day  you  won't  set  up  there  on  the  throne 
judgin',  but  you'll  be  down  with  the  rest  on  us  givin'  an 
account  of  how  you've  used  your  talents,  your  influence,  and 
if  you've  wropped  your  mantilly  of  protection  around  thieves 
and  murderers  that  you  know  the  whiskey  trade  is  made  of ; 
you'll  find  that  it  will  drop  off  there,  and  you  will  be  judged 
accordin'  to  your  works.  But  mebby  you'll  be  made  to  see 
before  you  git  there  that  you're  in  the  wrong  on't  upholdin' 
this  evil." 

Arvilly's  axent  wuz  as  sharp  as  any  simeter,  and  it  seemed 
to  go  right  through  Elder  Wessel's  robe  of  complacency 
and  self-esteem  and  rend  it.  He  looked  dretful  bad,  and  I 
spoke  up,  meanin'  to  pour  a  little  ile  on  his  woonds,  and  §ay- 
in'  what  I  thought,  too.  Sez  I : 

"  Folks  hain't  so  guilty  often  as  they  are  thoughtless ;  min 
isters  and  church  people  who  don't  use  their  influence  aginst 
this  evil  don't  realize  what  they're  doin' — they  don't  think." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    117 

"  They're  guilty  if  they  don't  think,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  if  they 
are  blest  with  common  sense.  If  I  wuz  walkin'  by  a  deep 
pond  in  broad  daylight,  and  see  a  dozen  little  children  sink 
ing  that  I  might  save  by  a  little  effort,  I  wonder  how  many 
would  believe  me  when  I  said  that  I  see  'em  drowndin'  but 
didn't  try  to  save  'em  because  I  didn't  think.  If  I  had  ears 
and  eyes  and  common  sense,  and  could  save  'em  and  didn't, 
I  wuz  guilty  of  murder,  and  so  the  Lord  would  look  at  it  and 
everybody  else  that  knew  anything."  And  she  looked  at 
me  some  as  if  I  didn't  know  anything,  jest  because  I  inti 
mated  that  ministers  and  church  members  didn't  want  to  do 
such  wickedness,  but  didn't  think — Arvilly  is  hash.  But  I  had 
to  admit  that  she  had  some  common  sense  on  her  side.  Sez 
she  agin : 

"  The  Church  of  Christ  could  do  anything  it  wanted  to 
if  it  jined  its  forces,  took  holt  as  if  it  meant  to  do  sunthin', 
but  as  it  is  indifference  folds  its  hands,  self  interest  murders 
humanity,  greed  upholds  intemperance,  and  all  about  us  in 
Church  and  State  are  drink  makers  and  drink  takers,  and 
heaven  knows  which  of  'em  will  git  to  hell  first !  "  Arvilly 
is  dretful  hash;  when  she  gits  rousted  up  her  indignation  is 
like  lightnin',  and  she  don't  care  where  it  strikes  or  who. 
It  struck  Elder  Wessel  hard. 

"  I  should  be  afraid !  "  sez  he,  and  his  voice  fairly  trem 
bled  with  indignation,  "  I  should  be  afraid  to  talk  of  the 
Church  of  Christ  as  you  do !  " 

"  Let  it  behave  itself  then !  "  sez  Arvilly,  "  be  converted 
and  come  out  on  the  Lord's  side  to  the  help  of  the  weak 
aginst  the  mighty !  " 

"  The  saloon,"  sez  Elder  Wessel  dogmatically,  "  is  the 
Poor  Man's  Club."  He  wuz  all  rousted  up  by  her  hash 
talk  and  come  out  plainer  than  he  had  come.  "  The  rich 
man  has  his  club,  and  the  saloon  is  the  Poor  Man's  Club. 
He  has  a  right  to  go  there  for  a  little  recreation." 

"  Re-creation !  "  sez  Arvilly.  "  If  you  think  drinkin'  pizen 
whiskey  is  re-creatin'  a  man,  you're  different  from  me." 


118     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  And  me,  too,"  sez  I.  "  If  you  call  it  re-creatin'  to  go 
to  the  Poor  Man's  Club  sober  and  sane/'  sez  Arvilly,  "  and 
stagger  home  at  midnight  crazy  drunk,  I  say  he  hain't  no 
right  to  re-create  himself  that  way;  he  re-creates  himself 
from  a  good  man  and  worthy  member  of  society  into  a 
fiend,  a  burden  and  terror  to  his  family  and  community. 
Now  Elder  White's  idee  of  re-creatin'  men  is  different;  he 
believes  in  takin'  bad  men  and  re-creatin'  'em  into  good 
ones,  and  I  wish  that  every  minister  on  earth  would  go  and  do 
likewise." 

"  I  know  nothin'  about  Elder  White,"  sez  Elder  Wessel 
hautily. 

"  He's  our  minister  in  Loontown,"  sez  Arvilly.  "  He 
has  his  church  open  every  night  in  the  week  for  re-creatin' 
in  the  right  way," 

"I  don't  approve  of  that,"  sez  Elder  Wessel.  "The 
church  of  the  Most  High  is  too  sacred  to  use  for  such  pur 
poses." 

"  A  minister  said  that  once  to  Elder  White,"  sez  Arvilly, 
"  and  he  answered  'em  with  that  warm  meller  smile  of  hisen, 
'  Where  are  my  boys  and  girls  more  welcome  and  safe  than 
at  home,  and  this  is  their  Father's  house,'  "  sez  he. 

"  Using  that  holy  place  for  recreation  is  very  wrong," 
sez  Elder  Wessel. 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  I  told  you  that  he  used  it  to  re-create  anew 
to  goodness  and  strength.  He  has  music,  good  books,  inno 
cent  games  of  all  kinds,  bright  light,  warmth,  cheerful  so 
ciety,  good  lectures,  and  an  atmosphere  of  good  helpful 
influences  surroundin'  'em,  and  he  has  sandwiches  and  coffee 
served  in  what  wuz  the  pastor's  study,  and  which  he  uses 
now,  Heaven  knows,  to  study  the  big  problem  how  a  minis 
ter  of  the  Most  High  can  do  the  most  good  to  his  people." 

"  Coffee,"  sez  Elder  Wessel,  "  is  all  right  in  its  place, 
but  the  common  workman  hankers  after  something  stronger ; 
he  wants  his  beer  or  toddy,  the  glass  that  makes  him  for 
get  his  trouble  for  a  time,  and  lifts  him  into  another  world." 


"  Well,  I  spoze  the  opium  eater  and  cocaine  fiend  hanker 
after  the  fool  paradise  these  drugs  take  'em  into,  but  that's 
no  sign  that  they  ort  to  destroy  themselves  with  'em." 

"  Coffee,  too,  is  deleterious,"  sez  Elder  Wessel.  "  Some 
say  that  it  is  worse  than  whiskey." 

I  spoke  up  then;  I  am  a  good  coffee  maker,  everybody 
admits,  and  I  couldn't  bear  to  hear  Ernest  White  talked 
aginst,  and  I  sez :  "  I  never  hearn  of  a  workman  drinkin' 
so  much  coffee  that  he  wuz  a  danger  to  his  family  and  the 
community,  or  so  carried  away  with  it  that  he  spent  his 
hull  wages  on  it.  Such  talk  is  foolish  and  only  meant  to 
blind  the  eyes  of  justice  and  common  sense.  Elder  White's 
Mutual  Help  Club,  as  he  calls  it,  for  he  makes  these  folks 
think  they  help  him,  and  mebby  they  do,  is  doin'  sights  of 
good,  sights  of  it.  Young  folks  who  wuz  well  started  to 
wards  the  drunkard's  path  have  been  turned  right  round 
by  it,  and  they  save  their  wages  and  look  like  different  men 
since  they  have  left  the  Poor  Man's  Club,  as  you  call  it, 
and  patronize  hisen." 

"And  Elder  White  has  showed,"  sez  Arvilly,  "by  his 
example  just  what  the  Church  of  Christ  could  do  if  it  wanted 
to,  to  save  men  from  the  evil  of  this  present  time  and  git  'em 
headed  towards  the  Celestial  City." 

"  Oh ! "  sez  Elder  Wessel,  "  I  would  no  more  use  the 
church  dedicated  to  the  Most  High  in  the  way  you  speak 
of  than  I  would  use  the  communion  cup  to  pass  water  in." 

"  If  a  man  wuz  dyin'  of  thirst,  and  that  cup  could  be 
used  to  save  him,  don't  you  spoze  the  Lord  would  want  it 
used  for  that,  Elder  Wessel  ?  "  sez  Arvilly. 

"  Oh,  no !  oh,  no  1 "  sez  he :  "  give  not  that  which  is  holy 
unto  dogs ;  cast  not  your  pearls  before  swine." 

"  That  is  jest  what  I  have  been  preachin'  to  you,"  sez 
Arvilly.  "  Give  not  that  which  is  holy,  the  best  nater,  and 
goodness  of  boys  and  men  to  the  dogs,  the  brutes  that  lay 
in  wait  for  'em  in  whiskey  laws.  The  God  in  man  is  mur- 


130    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLBN'8  WIFE 

dered  every  'lection  day  by  professors  of  religion  and  minis 
ters." 

"  Why — whyee,"  sez  Elder  Wessel,  sinkin'  back  in  his 
chair. 

"  Yes,"  sez  the  dantless  Arvilly,  "  I  mean  jest  what  I 
say;  them  that  refuse  to  vote  and  help  in  the  matter  are 
jest  as  guilty  as  license  voters;  they  are  consentin'  to  the 
crucifixion  of  Christ  in  man.  And  the  poor  drunkards  are 
not  the  only  ones  they  help  nail  to  the  cross.  The  inno 
cent  life  and  happiness  of  wimmen  and  children  these  wicked 
laws  lift  up  on  the  cross  of  agony,  and  their  hearts'  blood 
cries  to  heaven  for  judgment  on  them  that  might  have 
helped  'em  and  would  not.  The  Church  of  Christ  is  responsi 
ble  for  this  crime,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  for  there  is  not  an  evil 
on  earth  that  could  stand  before  the  combined  strength  of  a 
united  church." 

Sez  Elder  Wessel,  gittin'  back  considerable  dignity  (her 
hash  talk  madded  him  awfully),  sez  he,  "  I  simply  see  things 
in  another  light  from  what  you  do." 

"  He  that  is  not  for  me  is  against  me,"  sez  Arvilly. 

Sez  the  Elder  in  a  dogmatic  axent,  real  doggy  it  wuz, 
"  I  say  again,  the  saloon  is  the  Poor  Man's  Club." 

And  I  sez  dreamily,  "  Talkin'  of  a  club  as  a  club,  a  club 
in  the  hands  of  a  drunken  man,  strikin'  at  and  destroyin'  all 
the  safety  and  happiness  of  a  home,  yes,"  sez  I,  "  it  is  such  a 
club." 

"  Yes,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  if  poundin'  his  wife  to  jelly,  and 
his  children  to  deformity  and  death,  is  a  Poor  Man's  Club, 
the  saloon  is  one." 

Sez  he  agin,  "  Rich  men  have  their  clubs  to  which  they 
may  go,  and  drink  all  they  choose — carouse,  do  as  they 
please,  and  why  not  poor  men,  too?  "  he  added. 

And  I  sez,  "  Grantin'  that  rich  men  do  drink  and  carouse 
at  their  clubs,  as  I  don't  know  whether  they  do  or  not,  two 
wrongs  never  made  one  right,  and  the  liquor  couldn't  hurt 
'em  so  much,  for  they  can  buy  it  pure,  and  the  poor  man's 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     121 

drink  is  pizen  by  adulteration,  makin'  a  more  dangerous 
drunk,  ruinin'  their  health  and  makin'  'em  spilin'  for  rights 
and  bloodshed.  The  rich  man  can  stay  all  night  at  his  club, 
or  if  he  goes  home  the  decorous  butler  or  vally  can  tend 
to  him  and  protect  his  family  if  need  be;  he  won't  stagger 
in  at  midnight  to  a  comfortless  room,  where  his  wife  and 
little  ones  are  herded  in  cold  and  starvation  and  are  alone 
and  at  his  mercy,  and  the  rich  man's  carouse  at  his  club  won't 
keep  his  wife  and  children  hungry  for  a  week." 

Bern'  driv  out  of  that  position  Elder  Wessel  tried  a  new 
tact :  "  The  poor  man  has  just  as  much  right  to  the  social 
enjoyment  they  git  out  of  their  saloon  as  you  have,  madam, 
to  your  afternoon  teas  and  church  socials." 

"  What  hinders  the  poor  man  from  'tendin'  socials  ?  " 
sez  Arvilly,  spiritedly.  "  They  are  always  bein'  teased  to, 
and  anyway  I  never  knew  tea  to  make  anbody  crazy  drunk." 

"  The  poor  man,"  sez  Elder  Wessel  in  his  most  dictorial 
way,  all  of  Arvilly's  talk  havin'  slipped  offen  him  like  rain 
water  offen  a  brass  horn,  "  the  poor  man,  after  he  has 
worked  hard  all  day,  and  has  nothing  to  go  home  to  but  a 
room  full  of  cryin'  children,  discomfort,  squalor  and  a  com 
plaining  wife,  is  justified  in  my  opinion  to  go  to  the  only 
bright,  happy  place  he  knows  of,  the  saloon." 

But  I  sez,  bein'  such  a  case  for  justice,  "  How  is  it  with 
the  wife  who  has  worked  hard  all  day  in  the  home  of  dis 
comfort  and  squalor,  her  work  being  rendered  ten  times 
harder  and  more  nerve  destroying  than  her  husband's  by 
the  care  of  the  cryin'  children,  how  would  it  be  for  them, 
who  are  equally  responsible  for  the  marriage  and  the  chil 
dren,  to  take  holt  together  and  make  the  children  happier 
and  the  home  less  full  of  discomfort  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  is  it  goin'  to  make  the  home  less 
full  of  discomfort  to  have  him  reel  home  at  midnight  and 
dash  the  hungry  cryin'  baby  aginst  the  wall  and  put  out  its 
feeble  life,  and  mebby  kill  the  complainin'  wife  too  ?  " 


123    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Oh,  those  are  extreme  cases  and  uncommon,"  sez  Elder 
Wessel. 

"  Not  oncommon  at  all,"  sez  Arvilly.  "  If  you  read  the 
daily  papers  you  will  see  such  things  as  this,  the  direct  work 
of  the  saloon,  are  continually  occurring,  too  common  in  fact 
to  attract  much  attention." 

He  couldn't  deny  this,  for  he  knew  that  we  read  the  pa 
pers  jest  the  same  as  he  did,  and  the  fact  that  he  couldn't 
deny  it  seemed  to  kinder  tire  him,  and  he  sez,  getting  up : 

"  I  guess  I  will  go  and  smoke  a  cigar."  And  he  went. 
And  I  went  up  to  my  room,  too,  to  pack  my  satchel  bag,  for 
we  expected  to  start  the  very  next  mornin'  and  to  be  gone 
about  a  week  or  ten  days. 

Well,  the  steamer  took  us  to  Hilo,  and  the  panorama 
that  swep'  by  us  on  that  steamer  can't  never  be  reproduced 
by  any  camera  or  kodak;  the  sapphire  blue  water,  the  hills 
standing  like  mountains  of  beaten  gold  and  velvety  green  ver 
dure,  and  beyond  the  soft  blue  and  purple  mountain  ranges, 
agin  deep  clefts  and  cliffs  of  richest  colored  rocks  with 
feathery  white  waterfalls  floating  down  on  'em  like  a  veil, 
anon  pleasant  landscapes,  sugar  cane  plantations,  picturesque 
houses,  windmills,  orchards,  dancing  brooks  and  broad  green 
fields.  No  dissolvin'  view  wuz  ever  so  entrancing  but  like 
all  others  it  had  to  dissolve. 

We  reached  Hilo  the  second  day  and  we  all  went  to  a 
comfortable  tarven,  and  the  next  mornin'  bright  and  early 
we  sot  off  on  the  stage  for  the  volcano  over,  I  state,  and 
state  it  fearlessly,  the  most  beautiful  road  that  wuz  ever  built 
towards  any  volcano  or  anything  else.  Why,  I've  thought 
that  the  road  between  Jonesville  and  Loontown  wuz  beauti 
ful  and  easy  travellin'.  Old  Hagadone  is  path-master  and 
vain  of  the  road,  and  calls  the  men  out  twice  a  year  to  pay 
poll  taxes  and  such  by  workin'  it.  Sugar  maples,  elder 
bushes,  and  shuemakes,  and  wild  grapes  and  ivy  run  along 
the  side  of  the  stun  wall,  makin'  it,  I  always  had  thought,  on- 
approachable  in  beauty.  But,  good  land!  if  old  Hagadone 


had  seen  that  road  he  would  have  turned  green  as  grass  with 
envy. 

Imagine  a  wide  road,  smooth  as  glass,  cut  right  out  of 
a  glowing  tropical  forest  with  a  almost  onimagined  splendor, 
that  I  spoze  was  meant  to  be  onseen  by  mortal  eyes,  risin'  up 
on  each  side  on't.  Why,  I've  been  as  proud  as  a  peacock 
of  my  little  hibiscus  growin'  in  grandma  Allen's  old  teapot, 
and  when  that  blowed  out  one  little  blow  I  called  the  neigh 
bors  in  to  witness  the  gorgeous  sight.  Imagine  a,  hibiscus 
tree,  as  big  as  one  of  our  biggest  maples,  fairly  burnin' 
all  over  with  the  gorgeous  blossoms,  and  bananas  with  their 
great  glossy  leaves,  and  lantannas.  Wuzn't  I  proud  of  my 
lantanna  growin'  in  Ma  Smith's  blue  sugar  bowl  ?  I  thought 
it  wuz  a  lovely  sight  when  it  had  three  blows  on  it  at  one 
time.  But  imagine  milds  and  milds  of  'em  risin'  up  thirty 
feet  on  each  side  of  the  road,  and  little  spindlin'  palms,  that 
we  envy  if  growin'  two  feet  high,  growin'  here  to  a  hundred 
feet  or  more,  and  begonias  and  geraniums  growin'  up  into 
tall  trees  and  of  every  color,  tuberoses  and  magnolias  loadin' 
the  air  with  fragance,  the  glossy  green  of  the  ohia  tree  with 
the  iaia  vine  climbing  and  racing  over  it  all,  mingled  in  with 
tamarind  and  oranges  and  bamboo,  and  oleanders  with  their 
delicious  pink  and  white  blossoms.  Sez  I :  "  Do  you  remem 
ber  my  little  oleander  growin'  in  a  sap  bucket,  Josiah?  Did 
you  ever  think  of  seein'  'em  growin'  fifty  feet  high?  What 
a  priceless  treasure  one  would  be  in  Jonesville." 

And  he  whispered  back  real  voyalent :  "  Don't  think, 
Samantha,  of  gittin'  me  to  lug  one  of  them  fifty-foot  trees 
all  the  way  hum.  I've  broke  my  back  for  years  luggin' 
round  your  old  oleander  in  a  tub,  but  never  will  I  tackle  one 
of  them  trees,"  and  he  looked  up  defiantly  into  the  glossy 
boughs  overhead. 

"  i  hain't  asked  you  to,  Josiah,  but,"  sez  I  dreamily :  "  I 
would  love  to  git  some  slips  of  them  fuchia  and  begonia  trees, 
and  that  jasmine,"  sez  I,  pintin'  up  to  the  emerald  waves  of 
foliage  enriched  by  them  I  have  named,  and  as  many  other 


124    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

glowin'  with  perfume  and  beauty  as  there  are  stars  in  the 
heavens,  or  so  it  seemed  to  me.  Sez  I :  "  What  a  show  I 
could  make  in  Jonesville  with  'em."  Sez  I :  "  What  would 
Miss  Bobbett  and  Sister  Henzy  say  if  they  could  see  'em?" 
And  I  pinted  up  at  a  gigantick  trumpet  creeper  and  con- 
volvuli,  festooned  along  the  boughs  of  a  giant  geranium  and 
hanging  down  its  banner  of  bloom. 

"  They'd  say,  let  well  enough  alone.  I  tell  you  I  can't 
break  up  my  trip  diggin'  dirt  and  tendin'  to  a  lot  of  house- 
plants  from  Dan  to  Beersheba." 

"  We're  not  goin'  to  Dan,"  sez  I,  "  and  if  we  wuz  a  man 
might  meet  Dan  doin'  worse  than  pleasin'  his  pardner.  Look 
at  that  jasmine,"  sez  I.  "  Is  that  much  like  that  little  slip  of 
Sister  Bobbett's  growin'  in  a  tea-cup?  And  see!  oh,  do  see, 
Josiah,  them  night  bloomin'  ceriuses !  Oh,  take  it  on  a  moon 
light  night,  the  walls  of  fragrant  green  on  either  side,  and 
them  lovely  blows,  hundreds  and  thousands  of  'em  shinin' 
out  like  stars  of  whiteness,  full  of  the  odor  of  Paradise.  Oh, 
what  a  sight,  Josiah  Allen,  for  us  to  see !  " 

And  he  sez,  "  Don't  git  any  idee,  Samantha,  of  you  and 
me  comin'  way  back  here  by  moonlight,  for  we  can't  do  it. 
The  road  is  'thirty  milds  long,  and  if  we  tried  it  we  shouldn't 
git  here  till  they  had  done  blowinV 

"  I  hain't  no  idee  of  tryin'  it,  Josiah,  I  wuz  only  revellin' 
in  the  idee  of  what  the  glory  of  the  sight  must  be." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  I  am  revellin'  in  the  idee  of  havin'  a 
good  meat  dinner  if  we  ever  git  to  Hilo."  And  he  added 
with  a  sarcastick  smile,  "  Don't  that  make  you  think  of 
poker?  High,  low — all  it  wants  is  Jack  and  the  Game." 

I  gin  him  a  stern  look  and  sez,  "  Some  knowledge  is  de- 
meanin'  to  a  perfessor."  And  he  acted  puggicky  and  didn't 
say  another  word  for  a  mild  or  so.  But  I  sot  calm  and 
looked  away  into  the  entrancin'  seen.  And  all  the  time  we 
wuz  rollin'  on  towards  the  volcano. 

Robert  and  Dorothy  seemed  to  be  enjoying  the  seen  as 
much  as  I  did,  and  Arvilly  wuz  tryin'  to  canvass  the  Scotch- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    125 

man.  The  Englishman  had  already  bought  the  "  Twin 
Crimes,"  and  so  she  wuz  as  happy  as  she  ever  would  be,  I 
spozed. 

Well,  after  that  long  enchantin'  ric*3  through  Paradise, 
at  last  we  reached  the  place  we  wuz  bound  for  and  put  up  to 
the  Volcano  House,  from  which  a  good  view  of  the  volcano 
is  seen  at  night,  but  nothin'  to  what  it  is  to  stand  on  its 
shores.  Well,  I  will  pass  over  all  intervenin'  incidents,  some 
as  the  lava  duz  when  it  gits  started,  and  draw  the  curtain 
on  us  agin  as  we  stood  in  front  of  that  awful,  majestic,  dret- 
ful,  sublime,  unapproachable,  devilish,  glorious — a  thousand 
times  glorious — and  not  to  be  forgot  till  death,  sight. 
Tongue  can't  utter  words  to  describe  it ;  the  pen  hain't  made, 
the  egg  hain't  laid  to  hatch  out  the  soarin'  eagle  whose 
feathers  could  be  wrought  into  a  pen  fittin'  to  describe  that 
seen.  Why,  I  have  thought  when  the  mash  got  to  burnin' 
down  to  the  lake  it  wuz  a  grand  sight;  Jonesvillians  have 
driv  milds  to  see  it.  I  have  seen  upwards  of  ten  acres  of  the 
mash  burnin'  over  at  one  time,  and  felt  awestruck,  and  so 
did  Sister  Bobbett,  for  we  went  down  together  once  with 
our  pardners  on  a  buckboard.  But,  sez  I  to  myself  almost 
instinctively : 

"  What  if  Sister  Bobbett  wuz  here  ?  What  would  she 
say?  " 

Imagine  a  great  lake  of  fire  instead  of  water,  waves  of 
burning  lava  dashing  up  onto  its  shores,  bustin'  way  up  in 
the  air  at  times,  towerin'  pillers  of  flame,  swishin'  and  swash- 
in',  fire  and  flames,  and  brimstun  for  all  I  know.  What — 
what  wuz  goin'  on  way  down  in  the  depths  below  if  this 
wuz  the  seen  outside?  So  wildly  I  questioned  my  heart  and 
Josiah.  "  Oh,  Josiah !  "  sez  I,  "  what — what  a  sight !  Did 
I  ever  expect  to  witness  such  a  seen?  No,  oh  no,"  I  sez. 
"  What  do  you  spoze  is  goin'  on  inside  of  that  great  roarin', 
blazin'  monster  ?  "  Sez  he,  "  I  know  what's  goin'  on  inside 
of  me;  I  know  I  am  jest  starvin',  faintin'  away  fur  want  of 
food." 


126     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Well,"  sez  I  soothin'ly,  "  when  we  get  back  to  the  Vol 
cano  House  I  will  ask  for  some  bread  and  milk  for  you." 

"  Bread  and  milk !  "  sez  he  bitterly.  "  I  want  pork  and 
beans,  and  ham,  and  biled  greens,  and  chicken  pie  and  In 
jun  puddin' ! " 

"  Well,  well,"  sez  I,  "  be  calm.  Do  jest  see  them  great 
waves  and  fields  of  lava,  milds  and  milds  of  'em,  once  jest 
melted  fire,  rollin'  on  and  rollin'  on — what  a  sight !  "  sez  I. 
On  one  side  wuz  a  sort  of  a  high  terrace,  over  which  the 
fiery  flames  had  fell  and  hardened  into  solid  waves  lookin' 
some  as  our  Niagara  would  look  if  her  flowin'  waters  should 
suddenly  harden  as  they  flowed.  I  pinted  it  out  to  Arvilly, 
who  wuz  by  my  side.  Sez  I,  "  Do  look  at  that !  It  seems 
as  if  Nater  had  jest  hung  up  that  stupendous  sheet  there 
and  writ  on  it  the  word  Glory !  Unapproachable  glory  and 
magesty !  " 

Sez  Arvilly  dreamily,  "  If  I  could  jest  dig  out  in  that 
smooth  lava  the  words,  '  The  Twin  Crimes  of  America — In 
temperance  and  Greed,'  and  train  the  volcano  to  run  blazin' 
fire  into  the  mould,  what  a  advertisement  that  would  be 
for  my  book,  or  for  the  '  Wild,  Wicked  and  Warlike  Deeds 
of  Man.'  It  would  help  the  sale  of  both  on  'em  tremen 
dously." 

And  I  sez,  "  Don't  try  to  train  no  volcanos,  Arvilly ; 
you  would  find  them  worse  to  handle  than  any  man  you  ever 
tackled." 

"  Well,"  sez  she  dreamily,  "  I  believe  it  could  be  done." 

Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  stood  clost  together,  he 
a-protectin'  her,  as  I  spozed.  'Tennyrate  he  seemed  dret- 
ful  careful  where  she  stepped  and  how  and  when,  and  she 
looked  up  real  confidin'  and  sweet  into  his  face,  and  then, 
awestruck  and  wonder  smit,  down  into  the  burnin'  lake  be 
low.  The  Englishman  and  Scotchman  had  gone  on  a  little 
nigher  to  it,  with  the  guide.  Hale-mau-mau  (House  of  End 
less  Fire),  well  did  the  natives  name  it.  Well,  it  wuz  long 
before  we  tore  ourselves  from  the  sublime  seen,  and  I  dremp 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    127 

of  it  all  night.  I  see  Josiah  bore  from  me  on  the  lava  flood* 
and  then  agin  I  wuz  swep'  from  him  and  dashed  up  on  a 
billow  of  flame,  and  visey  versey,  versey  visey.  I  had  a  dret- 
ful  night,  and  got  up  twice  and  looked  out  of  the  winder 
on  the  grand  spectacle.  But  towards  mornin'  I  had  a  beauti 
ful  vision:  my  pardner  and  me  wuz  bore  back  to  Jones- 
ville,  and  sot  in  our  own  door  yard  under  a  spreadin'  gera 
nium  tree,  and  Sister  Bobbett  stood  admirin'ly  before  me 
with  a  tea-cup  in  her  hand,  beggin'  for  a  slip  from  the  im 
mense  branches.  It  wuz  a  sweet  dream,  and  I  waked  up  re 
freshed. 


CHAPTER    XI 

ELL,  one  week  later  we  found  ourselves  agin  on 
the  boundless  deep,  the  broad  Pacific,  bound 
for  the  Philippines.  How  fur  off  from  Jones- 
ville  did  I  seem  as  I  thought  on't,  but  Love 
journeyed  with  me,  and  Duty.  Tommy  wuz 
gittin'  fat  and  rosy,  liis  cough  grew  better  every  day,  and  he 
looked  and  acted  like  a  different  child. 

This  wuz  to  be  a  longer  voyage  than  we  had  took.  We 
layed  out  to  stop  to  the  Philippines  first,  and  so  on  to  China 
and  Japan.  It  beats  all  how  soon  you  settle  down  and  seem 
to  feel  as  if  the  great  ship  you  are  embarked  on  is  the  world, 
and  the  little  corner  you  occupy  your  home,  specially  if  you 
have  a  devoted  pardner  with  you  to  share  your  corner,  for 
Love  can  make  a  home  anywhere.  Arvilly  got  a  number 
of  new  subscribers  and  made  friends  amongst  the  passengers, 
but  Elder  Wessel  avoided  her.  And  he  didn't  seem  to  like 
Sister  Evangeline.  I  told  him  what  I  had  seen  and  hearn, 
for  it  seemed  to  me  like  a  olive  branch  bore  into  our  dark, 
rainy  world  by  a  dove  of  Paradise.  But  he  scoffed  at  it ;  he 
said  that  it  wuz  all  imagination.  But  I  sez :  "  It  hain't  im 
agination  that  the  poor  woman  wuz  dyin'  and  Sister  Evan 
geline  saved  her."  And  he  said  that  wuz  a  coincidence, 
and  I  said  that  it  wuz  a  pity  there  wuzn't  more  such  coinci 
dences.  And  he  didn't  answer  me  at  all.  He  wuz  settin' 
up  on  his  creed  with  his  legs  hangin'  off,  and  he  sot  straight, 
no  danger  of  his  gittin'  off  and  goin'  down  amongst  the  poor 
steerage  passengers  and  helpin'  'em.  He  thought  he  wuz 
a  eminent  Christian,  but  in  my  opinion  he  might  have  been 
converted  over  agin  without  doin'  him  any  harm. 

Well,  the  big  world  we  wuz  inhabitin*  moved  on  over 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     129 

the  calm  waters.  Josiah  read  a  good  deal,  settin'  in  the 
library  with  Tommy  on  his  knee.  And  I  read  some  myself, 
but  took  considerable  comfort  studyin'  the  different  pas 
sengers,  some  as  if  they  wuz  books  with  different  bindin's, 
some  gilt  and  gay,  some  dull  and  solid  and  some  sombry, 
but  each  with  different  readin'  inside. 

And  stiddy  and  swift,  onheedin'  any  of  our  feelin's  or 
fears,  the  great  ship  ploughed  on,  takin'  us  towards  that  wuz 
comin'  to  meet  us  onbeknown  to  us.  Miss  Meechim  kep'  up 
pretty  well,  keepin'  a  good  lookout  on  Dorothy,  but  restin' 
her  mind  on  Robert  Strong's  protection,  and  Robert  and 
Dorothy  seemed  to  enjoy  themselves  better  and  better  all 
the  time,  singing  together,  and  walking  up  and  down  the 
deck  for  hours  on  pleasant  days  and  matchless  nights  lit 
with  the  brilliant  light  of  moon  and  star,  and  Southern  Cross, 
and  I  didn't  know  what  other  light  might  be  shinin'  on 
'em  onbeknown  to  Miss  Meechim,  but  mistrusted  by  me. 

Elder  Wessel,  when  we  wuz  with  Lucia,  didn't  seem  to 
want  anything  else  on  earth.  She  wuz  a  pretty  girl,  but  I 
could  see  that  she  wuz  very  romantic;  she  had  read  sights 
of  novels,  and  wuz  lookin'  out  for  some  prince  in  disguise 
to  ride  up  on  a  white  charger  to  carry  her  off  and  share  his 
throne.  But  I  could  see  that  if  the  right  influences  wuz 
throwd  around  her  she  had  the  makin'  of  a  noble  woman 
in  her,  and  I  hoped  she  would  grow  up  a  good,  helpful 
woman.  She  had  a  great  influence  over  Aronette,  whose  na- 
ter  wuz  more  yieldin'  and  gentle,  and  I  didn't  altogether 
approve  of  their  intimacy,  but  considered  that  it  would 
be  broke  off  pretty  quick,  as  they  would  part  for  good  and 
all  when  we  got  to  China.  You  may  wonder  why  I  worried 
about  Aronette;  well,  the  reason  wuz,  I  loved  her,  jest  as 
everybody  else  did  who  knew  her  well.  She  wuz  a  darling 
girl,  always  sweet  tempered,  always  trying  to  help  some 
body;  Dorothy  loved  her  just  as  much  as  though  she  wuz 
her  sister  and  would  have  treated  her  exactly  like  one  if  it 
hadn't  been  for  Miss  Meechim.  She  loved  Aronette  her- 

9 


130     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

self,  and  showed  her  love  by  her  goodness,  buying  her  every 
thing  she  needed  and  didn't  need,  but  she  wuz  so  hauty  natu 
rally  that  she  insisted  on  Aronette's  keepin'  her  place,  as  she 
said.  And  she  was  so  sweet  dispositioned  and  humble  sper- 
ited  she  didn't  want  to  do  any  different.  Well,  I  spoze  Miss 
Meechim  wuz  right;  if  Aronette  wuz  Dorothy's  maid  it 
wuzn't  to  be  expected  that  she  would  take  her  visitin'  with 
her,  and  it  wuz  Aronette's  delight  to  wait  on  Dorothy  as 
devotedly  as  if  no  ties  of  love  bound  their  young  hearts  to 
gether.  Robert  Strong  liked  and  respected  her,  I  spoze 
mebby  on  Dorothy's  account,  and  Tommy  adored  her ;  why, 
even  Josiah  felt  towards  her,  he  said,  some  as  if  she  wuz 
Tirzah  Ann  growed  young  agin. 

Arvilly's  heart  she  won  completely  by  makin'  her  a 
bag  to  carry  the  "  Twin  Crimes  "  in.  It  wuz  made  of  hand 
some  black  silk,  worked  all  round  in  pink  silk  in  a  hand 
some  pattern,  and  she  had  worked  on  one  side  in  big  let 
ters,  "  The  Twin  Crimes  of  America,  Intemperance  and 
Greed." 

Arvilly  almost  cried  with'  joy  when  she  gin  it  to  her,  and 
sez  to  me,  "  That  Aronette  is  the  best  girl  in  the  hull  world 
and  the  sweetest.  Look  at  that  embroidery,"  sez  she,  holdin' 
up  the  handsome  bag  before  my  eyes,  "  you  can  see  that 
as  fur  as  you  can  see  me ;  that  bag  alone  is  enough  to  sell  the 
book,  and  I  wuz  jest  wearin'  out  the  agent's  copy.  There 
hain't  anything  in  the  world  I  wouldn't  do  for  that  girl." 
Yes,  we  all  loved  her  dearly,  and  a  dozen  times  a  day  we 
would  say  to  each  other  what  should  we  ever  do  without 
Aronette. 

Josiah  wuz  seasick  some,  but  not  nigh  so  bad  as  he 
thought,  and  Tommy  kept  well  and  happy  all  the  time,  and 
wonnered  and  wonnered  at  everything  and  seemed  to  take 
comfort  in  it,  and  he  would  set  in  his  little  chair  on  deck 
and  talk  to  Carabi  for  hours,  and  I  d'no  whether  Carabi  wuz 
enjoyin'  the  trip  or  not;  I  didn't  seem  to  have  any  way  of 
knowin'.  One  day  Tommy  and  I  wuz  lookin'  off  on  the 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     131 

broad  blue  waters  and  we  see  approachin'  what  looked  like 
a  boat  with  its  tiny  sail  set.  It  looked  so  like  a  boat  set  out 
from  fairyland  that  instinctively  I  thought  of  Carabi,  but  a 
passenger  standin'  by  said  that  it  wuz  a  Nautilus,  and  after 
wards  we  see  lots  of  'em.  And  the  Southern  Cross  bent 
over  us  nights  as  if  to  uphold  our  souls  with  the  thought 
that  our  heavenly  gardeen  would  take  care  on  us.  And 
some  nights  the  sea  wuz  lit  up  with  phosphorescent  light 
into  a  seen  of  glory  that  I  can't  describe  and  hain't  goin' 
to  let  Josiah  try  to ;  I  hain't  a  goin'  to  have  that  man  made 
light  of,  and  Shakespeare  couldn't  do  justice  to  it.  Low 
down  over  our  heads  the  heavens  leaned,  the  glassy  waters 
aspired  upward  in  sparks  of  flame.  The  south  wind  whis 
pered  soft,  strange  secrets  to  us,  sweeping  up  from  the  misty 
horizon.  Our  souls  listened — but  shaw!  I  said  I  wuzn't 
goin'  to  try  to  describe  the  glory  and  I  hain't. 

And  the  ship  sailed  on.  One  evenin'  there  wuz  another 
steamer  sighted,  most  everybody  wuz  on  deck.  Sister  Evan- 
geline  wuz  down  takin'  care  of  that  poor  woman  and  child 
and  the  fever  patients;  Tommy  wuz  asleep;  Josiah  wuz  read- 
in'  the  old  newspaper  he  had  wropped  his  clothes  in,  and 
which  he  had  treasured  fondly.  He  wuz  readin'  the  adver 
tisements,  Help  Wanted  and  such.  I  asked  him  what  good 
them  advertisements  would  do  him  ten  thousand  milds  from 
hum,  but  he  said  no  knowin'  what  might  happen  and  any 
thing  in  the  paper  wuz  good  readin'. 

That  man's  blind  adherence  to  party  has  caused  me  many 
a  forebodin',  it  is  a  menace  to  good  government  and  public 
safety,  and  I  have  told  him  so.  Well,  I  santered  down  into 
the  cabin  and  there  I  found  Elder  Wessel  all  alone.  He 
had  jest  been  readin'  a  powerful  editorial  that  coincided  with 
his  views  exactly,  and  he  leaned  back  and  put  a  thumb  in  each 
arm-hole  of  his  vest  and  sez : 

"  What  a  glorious  work  the  United  States  is  doin'  here 
in  the  Philippines." 

And  I  sez,  "  Yes,  that  is  so,  the  United  States  is  doin'  a 


132     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

great  and  noble  work  in  educating  and  civilizing  the  natives, 
if  it  wuzn't  for  the  one  great  mistake  she  is  making  and  duz 
make  wherever  she  plants  her  banner  in  a  new  country 
amongst  a  new  people. 

"  Side  by  side  with  her  schoolhouses  and  churches  that 
are  trying  to  lift  humanity  heavenward  the  American  Saloon 
is  found  lowering  humanity  and  undoing  the  work  these 
ministers  and  teachers  have  so  faithfully  tried  to  do." 

I  guess  he  didn't  hear  me,  but  'tennyrate  he  went  right 
on :  "  Oh,  yes,  oh,  yes,  our  Christian  nation  goes  to  these  be 
nighted  islands,  carrying  Christianity  and  civilization  in  its 
hand.  Of  course  they  may  not  ever  come  up  to  the  hite  of  our 
own  perfect,  matchless  civilization,  but  they  will  approach  it, 
they  will  approach  it." 

Sez  Arvilly :  "  Our  nation  won't  come  up  to  them  in  years 
and  years,  if  it  ever  duz !  " 

He  jumped  as  if  he  had  been  shot;  he  thought  we  wuz 
alone,  and  sez :  "  Why — why,  Sister  Arvilly — you  must  admit 
these  savages  are  behind  us  in  knowledge." 

"  So  much  the  worse  for  us ;  the  sin  of  ignorance  is  goin' 
to  be  winked  at,  but  if  we  know  better  we  ort  to  do  better." 
Elder  Wessel  wuz  stunted,  but  he  murmured  instinctively 
sunthin'  about  our  carryin'  the  Bible  and  the  knowledge  of 
heaven  to  'em. 

Arvilly  snapped  out :  "  What  good  will  that  do  if  we 
carry  private  hells  to  burn  'em  up  before  they  die  ?  A  pretty 
help  that  is !  What  is  the  use  of  teachin'  'em  about  heaven  if 
our  civilization  makes  sure  the  first  thing  it  duz  to  keep  'em 
out  of  it,  for  no  drunkard  shall  inherit  heaven.  What's  the 
use  of  gittin'  'em  to  hankerin'  after  sunthin'  they  can't  have." 

The  Elder  wuz  almost  paralyzed,  but  he  murmured  in 
stinctively  sunthin'  about  our  duty  to  the  poor  naked 
heathen  hanging  like  monkeys  from  the  tree  tops,  like  ani 
mals  even  in  their  recreation.  And  Arvilly  bein'  so  rousted 
up  and  beyend  reasonable  reason,  sez :  "  That's  their  bizness 
about  not  bein'  clothed,  and  anyway  it  is  jest  as  the  Lord 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  8 1  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     133 

started  the  human  race  out  in  the  Garden  of  Eden,  and  they 
do  wear  enough  to  cover  their  nakedness,  and  that's  more 
than  some  of  our  fashionable  wimmen  do,  and  'tennyrate 
they  don't  suffer  so  much  as  our  wimmen  do  with  their 
torturin'  tight  shoes  and  steel  instruments  of  agony  bound 
round  their  waists,  compressin'  their  vital  organs  into  a  mass 
of  deformity." 

Elder  Wessel  wuz  so  browbeat  that  he  kinder  got  offen 
his  subject,  and  with  a  dazed  look  he  murmured  sunthin' 
about  "  the  wicked  religion  of  Cuba  when  the  Americans 
took  it — the  Papal  indulgences,  the  cruel  bull  fights,  the  na 
tional  recreations — you  could  always  tell  the  low  state  of  a 
nation's  civilization  by  the  brutish  recreations  they  indulged 
in." 

Sez  Arvilly,  in  a  loud,  mad  axent,  "  Talk  about  brutal 
amusements,  why  they  ort  to  send  missionaries  to  America 
to  reform  us  as  fur  up  in  decency  as  to  use  animals  to  fight 
fur  our  recreation  instead  of  human  bein's.  Bulls  hain't 
spozed  to  have  immortal  souls,  and  think  how  America 
pays  two  men  made  in  the  image  of  God  so  much  an  hour — 
high  wages,  too — to  beat  and  pound  and  maim  and  kill  each 
other  for  the  amusement  of  a  congregation  of  Christian  men 
and  wimmen,  who  set  and  applaud  and  howl  with  delight 
when  a  more  cruel  blow  than  common  fells  one  on  'em  to 
the  earth.  And  then  our  newspapers  fight  it  all  over  for  the 
enjoyment  of  the  family  fireside,  for  the  wimmen  and  chil 
dren  and  invalids,  mebby,  that  couldn't  take  in  the  rare  treat 
at  first  sight.  Every  blow,  every  cruel  bruise  that  wuz  made 
in  the  suffering  flesh  reproduced  for  Sunday  reading.  And 
if  one  of  the  fighters  is  killed  and  his  mangled  body  taken 
out  of  the  fighting  ring  forever,  taken  home  to  his  wife  and 
children  with  the  comfortin'  peticulars  that  he  wuz  killed 
for  the  amusement  of  men  and  wimmen,  most  on  'em  church 
members,  and  all  citizens  of  our  Christian  republic  by  special 
license  of  the  government,  why  then  the  newspapers,  which 
are  the  exponents  of  our  civilization  and  the  teachers  of  our 


134    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

youth,  have  a  splendid  time  relating  the  ghastly  story  under 
staring  headlines.  After  all  this,  talk  to  me  about  our  coun 
try's  dastin  to  have  the  face  to  reform  any  other  country's 
amusement.  Our  prize  fights  that  our  nation  gives  licenses 
for  its  people  to  enjoy  are  as  much  worse  than  bull  fights,  in 
view  of  America's  professions  of  goodness,  as  it  would  be 
for  an  angel  to  fly  down  'lection  day  amongst  a  drunken 
crowd  and  git  drunk  as  a  fool,  and  stagger  round  and  act 
with  her  wings  dirty  and  a-floppin'." 

Elder  Wessel  wuz  took  completely  back,  I  could  see,  by 
Arvilly's  eloquence,  and  I  wuz  myself.  The  sharp-toothed 
harrow  of  grief  had  turned  up  new  furrows  in  her  soul,  in 
which  strange  plants  growed.  And  before  Elder  Wessel 
could  speak  she  went  on  a-thinkin'  back  about  sunthin'  he'd 
said. 

"  Indulgences  to  sin !  If  I  granted  licenses  for  all  kinds 
of  sin  for  money,  as  our  nation  duz,  I  wouldn't  talk  about 
Papal  indulgences.  See  how  wimmen  are  used — embruted, 
insulted,  ground  beneath  the  heel  of  lust  and  ruin  by  these 
same  license  laws." 

"  But,  Sister  Arvilly,"  sez  he,  "  I  was  reading  only  this 
morning  a  sermon  upon  how  much  our  civilization  had  to  do 
in  lifting  women  into  the  high  place  they  occupy  to-day." 

"  High  place ! "  sez  Arvilly,  and  I  fairly  trembled  in  my 
shoes  to  hear  her  axent.  "  Wimmen  occupy  a  dretful  high 
place.  I  can  tell  you  jest  the  place  she  occupies.  You  have 
been  told  of  it  often  enough;  you  ort  to  know  it,  but  don't 
seem  to.  A  woman  occupies  the  same  bench  with  lunatics, 
idiots  and  criminals,  only  hern  is  enough  sight  harder  under 
legal  licenses  and  taxation  laws." 

"  But,"  sez  the  Elder,  "  the  courtesy  with  which  women 
are  treated,  the  politeness,  the  deference " 

"  If  you  wuz  kicked  out  of  your  meetin'  house,  Elder 
Wessel,  would  it  make  any  difference  to  you  whether  the 
shue  you  wuz  kicked  with  wuz  patent  leather  or  cowhide? 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    135 

The  important  thing  to  you  would  be  that  you  wuz  layin'  on 
the  ground  outside,  and  the  door  locked  behind  you." 

Sez  Elder  Wessel,  "  That  is  a  strong  metafor,  Sister  Ar- 
villy.  I  had  never  looked  at  it  in  that  light  before." 

"  I  presume  so,"  sez  she.  "  The  very  reason  why  there 
are  so  many  cryin'  abuses  to-day  is  because  good  men  spend 
their  strength  in  writin'  eloquent  sermons  aginst  sin,  and  let- 
tin'  it  alone,  instead  of  grapplin'  with  it  at  the  ballot  box. 
Our  Lord  took  a  whip  and  scourged  the  money  changers 
out  of  the  temple.  And  that  is  what  ministers  ort  to  do,  and 
have  got  to  do,  if  the  world  is  saved  from  its  sins — scourge 
the  money  changers  who  sell  purity  and  honor,  true  religion 
and  goodness  for  money. 

"  Satan  don't  care  how  much  ministers  talk  about  temper 
ance  and  goodness  and  morality  in  the  pulpit  to  a  lot  of 
wimmen  and  children  that  the  congregations  are  made  up 
of  mostly,  or  how  many  essays  are  writ  about  it,  tied  with 
blue  ribbin.  But  when  ministers  and  church  members  take 
hold  on  it  as  Ernest  White  has  and  attacks  it  at  the  ballot 
box,  and  defends  and  reinforces  the  right  and  left  flank 
with  all  the  spiritual  and  material  and  legal  forces  he  can 
muster,  why  then  Satan  feels  his  throne  tremble  under  him 
and  he  shakes  in  his  shues." 

But  before  Elder  Wessel  could  frame  a  reply  Josiah 
come  in  with  the  news  that  the  steamer  had  approached  and 
brung  mail  to  the  passengers.  And  we  all  hurried  up  to  see 
what  we  had  got. 

Well,  the  steamer  wuz  passin'  away  like  ships  in  the  night, 
but  I  found  that  I  had  several  letters  from  home.  The 
children  wuz  gettin'  well.  Philury  and  Ury  well  and  doin' 
well.  And  one  letter  wuz  from  Cousin  John  Richard,  that 
blessed  creeter!  who,  it  will  be  remembered,  went  to  Africa 
as  a  missionary  to  help  the  colony  of  freedmen  to  a  knowledge 
of  the  true  freedom  in  Christ  Jesus.  Only  two  idees  that 
blessed  creeter  ever  seemed  to  have :  first,  what  his  duty  wuz, 
and,  second,  to  do  it.  His  letter  run  as  follows : 


136  AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Dear  Cousin :  Here  in  the  far  off  tropics  where  I 
thought  to  live  and  die  with  the  people  I  have  loved  and 
given  my  life  to  help,  the  Lord  has  wonderfully  blessed  our 
labors.  The  Colony  is  prospering  as  I  never  expected  to  see 
it.  The  people  are  beginning  to  see  that  a  true  republic  can 
only  exist  by  governing  one's  own  self,  that  in  the  hands  of 
each  individual  is  the  destiny  of  the  nation.  We  are  a  peaceful 
people,  greatly  helped  under  the  Lord  by  the  fact  that  not  a 
saloon  blackens  the  pure  air  of  Victor. 

"How  can  the  crazed  brain  of  a  drunken  man  help  a  na 
tion  only  to  weaken  and  destroy?  How  can  children  born 
under  the  curse  of  drink  be  otherwise  than  a  burden  and 
curse  to  the  public  weal  ?  How  can  a  righteous  ruler  handle 
this  menace  to  freedom  and  purity  save  to  stamp  it  beneath 
his  feet?  As  we  have  no  saloons  in  Victor,  so  we  have  no 
almshouses  or  prisons,  the  few  poor  and  wrongdoers  being 
cared  for  by  private  individuals,  remunerated  by  public  tax. 

"  So  greatly  has  the  Lord  prospered  us  that  I  felt  I  was 
needed  elsewhere  more  than  here;  I  felt  that  America  in 
stead  of  Africa  needed  the  help  of  teachers  of  the  Most  High. 
Tidings  have  reached  me  from  the  Philippines  that  made  me 
think  it  was  my  duty  to  go  there.  Into  these  islands,  in 
habited,  as  has  been  said,  by  people  'half  devil,  half  child,' 
has  been  introduced  the  worst  crime  of  America,  the  drink 
evil,  the  worst  demon  outside  the  bottomless  pit,  making 
of  sane,  good  men  brutes  and  demons,  a  danger  to  them 
selves  and  the  whole  community. 

"  It  is  hard  to  believe  that  a  Christian  civilization,  a  Chris 
tian  ruler,  should  send  regiments  of  bright  young  boys  so 
far  from  all  the  deterring  influences  of  home  and  home  life ; 
send  those  who  were  the  light  of  happy  homes,  the  idols  of 
fond  hearts,  to  face  the  dreadful  climate,  the  savage  warfare, 
to  colonize  the  graveyards  in  the  sodden  earth,  to  be  thrown 
into  the  worst  evils  of  war,  to  face  danger  and  death,  and 
with  all  this  provided  by  the  government  that  should  pro- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     137 

tect  them  this  dreadful  temptation  to  ensnare  their  boyish 
wills  and  lead  them  into  captivity. 

"  Then  I  could  not  leave  Victor,  but  now  that  I  can  I 
feel  that  God  is  calling  me  to  go  there  to  preach  the  gospel 
of  Christ,  to  fight  this  mighty  foe,  Intemperance,  to  preach 
the  gospel  of  sane  and  clean  living  and  thinking.  Knowing 
from  my  experience  here  in  Victor,  had  I  no  other  knowl 
edge  of  it,  how  that  blessed  gospel  of  love  is  the  only  true 
liberty.  For  what  advantage  is  liberty  of  the  body  when  the 
soul,  the  weak  will,  is  bound  in  the  most  galling  of  chains? 

"  America  is  doing  a  great  work  in  educating  and  helping 
this  country,  and  were  it  not  for  this  evil  I  go  to  combat,  its 
work  would  be  blessed  of  God  and  man. 

"  So,  as  I  said,  I  sail  to-morrow  for  the  Philippines  with 
three  of  my  native  converts,  good  Christians,  willing  to  die, 
if  need  be,  for  their  faith." 

This  letter  had  been  written  more  than  a  month,  so  long 
had  it  been  comin'  to  me,  and  I  wuz  tickled  enough  to  think 
that  when  we  got  to  the  Philippines  we  should  see  Cousin 
John  Richard. 


CHAPTER  XII 

HE  shore  of  Manila  looked  dretful  low  and  flat 
as  we  come  up  to  it  some  as  old  Shelmadine's 
land  lays  along  the  lake  shore.  So  you'd 
think  that  if  it  rained  hard  and  raised  the 
water  a  inch  it  would  overflow  it.  And  the 
houses  looked  dretful  low  and  squatty,  mebby  it  wuz  on  ac 
count  of  earthquakes  they  built  'em  so.  Josiah  thought  it 
wuz  so  they  could  shingle  'em  standin'  on  the  ground.  I 
inclined  to  the  earthquakes. 

Our  boat  wuz  small  enough  to  go  over  the  surf  and  up 
the  Pasig  River.  The  water  didn't  look  very  clean,  and  on 
it  wuz  floatin'  what  looked  like  little  cabbage  heads.  Josiah 
thought  they  wuz,  and  sez  he  real  excited : 

"  Thank  fortin  if  they  have  cabbages  to  throw  away  here 
I  shall  be  likely  to  git  a  good  biled  dinner,  and  mebby  a 
biled  puddin'  with  lemon  sass." 

But  they  wuzn't  cabbages,  they  wuz  some  kind  of  a  water 
plant  that  growed  right  there  in  the  water.  As  we  sailed 
along  some  queer  lookin'  boats,  lookin'  some  like  corn 
houses  standin'  on  end,  bulged  out  towards  us  from  the 
shore.  They  said  they  wuz  cargo  lighters  to  onload  ships, 
and  mebby  they  wuz.  And  one  peculiarity  I  see  that  I 
despised.  The  natives  all  seemed  to  wear  their  shirts  over 
their  pantaloons,  hangin'  loose,  and  some  on  'em  didn't  have 
on  any  pantaloons,  jest  the  shirt,  and  some  not  even  that, 
jest  a  sash  or  so  tied  round  about  'em. 

I  despised  the  sight  and  sez  to  Josiah :  "  They  might  do 
as  much  as  Adam  did  anyway;  they  might  wear  some  leaves 
round  'em,  there  is  plenty  of  fig  trees  here  I  spoze." 

And  he  sez :  "  I  have  been  thinkin'  that  it  is  a  crackin' 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81 AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     139 

good  idee  to  wear  the  shirt  over  the  pantaloons;  it  would 
be  cool  and  look  all  right  after  we  got  used  to  it;  the  bot 
tom  of  the  shirt  could  be  ruffled  or  trimmed  with  tattin  or 
red  braid,  and  they  would  look  as  dressy  agin  as  I've  always 
wore  'em." 

I  looked  daggers  at  him  out  of  my  eyes  and  sez :  "  What 
won't  you  take  it  into  your  head  to  do  next,  Josiah  Allen?  " 

But  our  attention  wuz  drawed  off  by  Arvilly,  who  ap 
proached  us.  She  looked  skornfully  at  the  costoom  of  the 
natives,  and  I  hearn  her  say  to  'herself:  "  Not  much  chance 
to  canvass  here."  But  even  as  she  spoke  her  eye  fell  hope 
fully  on  the  opposite  shore,  like  a  good  book  agent  scanning 
the  earth  and  heavens  for  a  possible  subscriber. 

Miss  Meechim,  who  had  come  on  deck  with  Dorothy 
and  Robert,  looked  benignantly  at  the  natives  and  sez: 
"  The  poor  ye  shall  always  have  with  you,"  and  she  put  her 
hand  in  the  little  bag  that  she  always  wore  at  her  side  and 
said :  "  I  wonder  if  I  have  got  a  copy  of  that  blessed  tract 
with  me,  '  The  Naked  Sinner  Clothed  and  in  His  Right 
Mind.' " 

But  Robert  sez  to  her :  "  They  wouldn't  thank  you  for 
clothes,  Aunt  Albina;  you  will  have  to  wait  until  we  reach 
New  York ;  some  of  the  naked  there  would  be  gladly  covered 
up  from  the  snow  and  storms." 

"  Oh,  don't  compare  our  own  blessed  land  with  this 
heathen  clime." 

"  But,"  sez  Robert,  "  the  warm  breezes  here  bring  only 
joy  and  comfort  to  that  sinner's  naked  limbs,  and  the  sin 
of  ignorance  may  be  forgiven.  But  the  shivering  sinners, 
crouching  on  the  cold  stone  doorsteps,  hearing  dimly 
through  their  benumbed  senses  prayers  and  thanksgivings 
to  the  Most  High  for  mercies  they  have  no  part  in,  why 
that  is  quite  a  different  matter." 

Aronette  wuz  standing  a  little  ways  apart,  talking  with 
a  young  man.  He  wuz  payin'  her  compliments,  I  knew,  for 
there  wuz  a  pink  flush  on  her  pretty  face,  and  his  eyes  had 


140     AROUND  THB  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

admiration  in  them.  I  didn't  like  his  looks  at  all;  he  looked 
dissipated  and  kinder  mean,  and  I  thought  I  would  warn 
her  aginst  him  when  I  got  a  good  chance.  Lucia  Wessel, 
too,  wuz  holding  her  young  charge  by  the  hand,  but  her 
attention  wuz  all  drawed  off  by  another  young  chap  that 
I'd  seen  with  her  a  number  of  times,  and  I  didn't  like  his 
looks;  he  had  the  same  sort  of  a  dissipated  look  that  the 
other  young  man  had,  but  I  see  by  the  expression  of  Lucia's 
innocent  eyes  that  she  didn't  share  in  my  opinion;  she  looked 
as  if  she  wuz  fairly  wropped  up  in  him.  I  wondered  what 
Elder  Wessel  would  have  said  if  'he  cguld  have  seen  that 
look.  But  he  wuz  in  blissful  ignorance.  He  thought  her 
bosom  wuz  composed  of  a  equal  mixture  of  snow  and  crystal, 
through  which  he  could  read  every  thought  and  emotion  as 
soon  as  they  wuz  engraved  on  it.  He  thought  there  was 
no  characters  written  there  as  yet  by  any  manly  hand  save 
his  own  writ  in  characters  of  fatherly  and  daughterly  love. 
He  wuz  holdin'  forth  to  Arvilly,  and  she  with  her  nose 
turned  up  as  fur  as  nater  would  let  it  go,  wuz  listenin'  be 
cause  he  wouldn't  let  her  git  away.  I  thought  by  her  ex 
pression  he  wuz  praisin'  the  license  laws,  for  on  no  other 
subject  wuz  he  so  eloquent,  and  on  no  other  did  Arvilly's 
nose  turn  up  to  such  a  hite. 

Dorothy  and  Tommy  wondered  what  those  strange  trees 
were  that  grew  on  the  shore  in  front,  and  Robert  Strong 
hastened  to  their  side  to  help  them  to  such  information  as 
he  had  on  the  subject.  And  he  had  knowledge  on  almost 
every  subject  under  the  heavens,  so  it  seemed  to  me. 

Well,  anon  or  a  little  after,  we  found  ourselves  on  shore 
and  I  wuz  glad  to  feel  terry  firmy  under  my  feet  once  more. 
Lots  of  times  on  board  ship  the  terry  wuz  so  fur  from  the 
firmy  that  the  solid  land  felt  good  under  the  soles  of  our 
shoes.  Yes,  indeed !  And  though  for  some  time  tables  and 
chairs,  and  even  beds  and  bureaus  had  a  way  of  advancin' 
up  towards  us  and  then  retreatin'  away  from  us  over  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    141 

over,  yet  as  I  say  terry  wuz  considerable  more  firmy  than 
the  deck  had  been. 

Well,  it  wuzn't  long  before  we  found  ourselves  at  a  com 
fortable  hotel,  not  too  comfortable,  but  decently  so;  and  in 
the  fulness  of  time  we  wuz  seated  at  the  table  partaking  of 
food  which,  though  it  didn't  taste  like  my  good  Jonesville 
vittles,  still  I  could  eat  and  be  thankful  for.  Josiah  whis 
pered  to  me: 

"  Onions  and  garlicks  and  peppers ;  I  never  could  bear 
any  on  'em,  and  here  I  be  filled  up  with  'em;  there  hain't  a 
single  dish  on  this  table  but  what's  full  of  'em.  Oh,  Sam- 
antha !  "  sez  he  pitifully,  "  if  I  could  only  eat  one  of  your 
good  dinnerses  or  supperses  agin'  it  seems  as  if  I  would  be 
willin'  to  die." 

And  I  whispered  back  to  him  to  be  calm.  Sez  I,  "  Do 
be  reasonable;  it  ain't  logic  or  religion  to  expect  to  be  to 
home  and  travellin'  abroad  at  the  same  time." 

He  see  it  wuzn't  and  subsided  with  a  low  groan,  and 
begun  to  nibble  agin'  on  his  food,  but  his  looks  wuz  mourn 
ful,  and  if  I  could  I  would  have  put  on  a  apron  willin'ly  and 
gone  down  into  the  kitchen  and  cooked  him  a  good  square 
meal,  but  I  knew  it  wouldn't  be  thought  on,  so  I  kep'  calm. 

Well,  our  bed  wuz  kinder  queer.  It  wuz  quite  noble 
lookin',  four  high  posts  with  lace  curtains  looped  up  and 
mosquito  nettin'  danglin'  down,  and  instead  of  springs  a 
woven  cane  mattress  stretched  out  lookin'  some  like  our 
cane  seat  chairs.  How  to  git  under  that  canopy  and  not  let 
in  a  swarm  of  mosquitoes  wuz  what  we  didn't  know,  but  we 
did  finally  creep  under  and  lay  down.  It  wuz  like  layin'  on 
the  barn  floor,  the  cane  mattress  didn't  yield  a  mite,  and 
Josiah's  low  groans  mingled  with  my  sithes  for  quite  a 
spell.  Tommy  wuz  fast  asleep  in  his  little  bed  and  so 
didn't  sense  anything.  Well,  the  tegus  night  passed  away, 
happily  I  spoze  for  the  attentive  mosquitoes  who  shared  the 
canopy  with  us,  and  mebby  liked  to  sample  foreign  acquaint- 


142     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

ances,  but  tegus  for  us,  and  we  wuz  glad  when  it  wuz  time 
to  git  up. 

The  first  meal  of  the  day  wuz  brought  to  our  room; 
chocolate  not  over  good,  some  bread  and  some  eggs,  almost 
raw,  wuz  what  it  consisted  of.  Josiah,  who  wanted  some 
lamb  chops,  baked  potatoes  and  coffee,  wuz  mad  as  a  hen. 
"  Heavens  and  earth ! "  sez  he,  "  why  I  never  sucked  eggs 
when  a  boy;  have  I  got  to  come  to  it  in  my  old  age?  Raw 
eggs  and  chocklate  you  could  cut  with  a  knife.  A  few  years 
of  such  food  will  leave  you  a  widder,  Samantha." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  do  let's  make  the  best  of  it;  when  you're 
in  Rome  do  as  the  Romans  do." 

"  I  shan't  suck  eggs,  for  no  Romans  or  for  no  Phillip- 
pine." 

"  Eat  'em  with  your  spoon,"  sez  I,  "  as  you'd  ort  to." 

"  Or  with  my  knife,"  sez  he.  "  Did  you  see  them  officers 
last  night  to  the  table  eatin'  sass  with  a  knife?  I  should 
thought  they'd  cut  their  mouths  open." 

"  Well,  it  is  their  way  here,  Josiah.  Let's  keep  up  and 
look  forrerd  to  goin'  home;  that's  the  best  fruit  of  travellin' 
abroad  anyway,  unless  it  is  seein'  Tommy  so  well  and 
hearty." 

Josiah  looked  at  his  rosy  face  and  didn't  complain  an 
other  word.  He  jest  worships  Thomas  Josiah.  Well,  after 
we  eat  this  meal  we  went  out  walkin',  Josiah  and  I  an3 
Tommy,  and  I  spoze  Carabi  went  along,  too,  though  we 
didn't  see  him.  But  then  what  two  folks  ever  did  see  each 
other?  Why  I  never  see  Josiah,  and  Josiah  never  see  me. 
not  the  real  us. 

Well,  it  wuz  a  strange,  strange  seen  that  wuz  spread  out 
before  us;  the  place  looked  more'n  half  asleep,  and  as  if  it 
had  been  nappin'  for  some  time;  the  low  odd  lookin'  houses 
looked  too  as  if  they  wuz  in  a  sort  of  a  dream  or  stupor. 
The  American  flag  waved  out  here  and  there  with  a  kind 
of  a  lazy  bewildered  floppin',  as  if  it  wuz  wonderin'  how  un 
der  the  sun  it  come  to  be  there  ten  thousand  milds  from 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     143 

Washington,  D.  C,  and  it  wuz  wonderin'  what  on  earth  it 
floated  out  there  in  the  first  place  for.  But  come  to  look 
at  it  clost  you  could  see  a  kind  of  a  determined  and  sot  look 
in  the  Stars  and  Stripes  that  seemed  to  say,  "  Well,  now  I 
am  here  I  hain't  goin'  to  be  driv  out  by  no  yeller  grounded 
flags  whatsumever." 

Some  of  the  carriages  that  we  met  wuz  queer  lookin', 
rough  wooden  two-wheeled  carts,  that  looked  as  if  they'd 
been  made  by  hand  that  mornin'.  Josiah  said  that  he  could 
go  out  into  the  woods  with  Ury  and  cut  down  a  tree  and 
make  a  better  lookin'  wagon  in  half  an  hour,  but  I  don't 
spoze  he  could.  Some  on  'em  wuz  drawed  by  a  buffalo, 
which  filled  Josiah  with  new  idees  about  drivin'  one  of  our 
cows  in  the  democrat. 

Sez  he :  "  Samantha,  it  would  be  real  uneek  to  take  you 
to  meetin'  with  old  Line  back  or  Brindle,  and  if  the  minister 
got  dry  in  meetin',  and  you  know  ministers  do  git  awful  dry 
sometimes,  I  could  just  go  out  and  milk  a  tumbler  full  and 
pass  it  round  to  him." 

But  I  drawed  his  attention  off;  I  couldn't  brook  the  idee 
of  ridin'  after  a  cow  and  havin'  it  bellerin'  round  the  meetin' 
house.  The  native  wimmen  we  met  wuz  some  on  'em  dressed 
American  style,  and  some  on  'em  dressed  in  their  own  pic 
turesque  native  costoom.  It  wuz  sometimes  quite  pretty, 
and  one  not  calculated  to  pinch  the  waist  in.  A  thin  waist, 
with  immense  flowing  sleeves  and  embroidered  chemise 
showing  through  the  waist,  a  large  handkerchief  folded 
about  the  neck  with  ends  crossed,  a  gay  skirt  with  a  train 
and  a  square  of  black  cloth  drawn  tight  around  the  body 
from  waist  to  knees.  Stockings  are  not  worn  very  much, 
and  the  slippers  are  not  much  more  than  soles  with  little 
strips  of  leather  going  over  the  foot,  and  no  heels.  Anon 
we  would  meet  some  Chinamen,  with  eyes  set  in  on  a  bias, 
and  their  hair  hanging  in  two  long  tails  down  their  backs; 
lots  of  them  we  see,  then  a  priest  would  move  slowly  along, 
then  a  Spanish  senora,  then  a  sailor,  then  perhaps  a  native 


144     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

dressed  partly  in  European  costoom  lookin'  like  a  fright. 
The  street  cars  are  little  things  drawed  by  one  horse,  and 
the  streets  are  badly  paved  when  they're  paved  at  all. 

There  wuz  some  handsome  houses  in  the  residence  por 
tion  of  the  city,  but  aside  from  the  Cathedral  there  are  few 
public  buildings  worth  seeing.  But  one  thing  they  have 
here  always  beautiful,  and  that  is  the  luxuriant  tropical  vege 
tation,  beautiful  blossoming  trees  and  shrubs,  and  the  multi 
tude  of  flowers,  tall  palms,  bamboo,  ebony,  log-wood,  man 
goes,  oranges,  lemons,  bread  fruit,  custard  apples,  and  forty 
or  fifty  varieties  of  bananas,  from  little  ones,  not  much  more 
than  a  mouthful,  to  them  eighteen  or  twenty  inches  long. 
Josiah  enjoyed  his  walk,  finding  many  things  to  emulate 
when  he  got  back  to  Jonesville.  Among  'em  wuz  the  China 
men's  hair;  he  thought  it  wuz  a  dressy  way  to  comb  a  man's 
hair,  and  he  wondered  dreamily  how  his  would  look  if  he 
let  it  grow  out  and  braid  it.  But  he  said  if  he  did,  he  should 
wear  red  ribbons  on  it,  or  baby  blue.  But  I  knew  there  wuz 
no  danger  of  his  hair  ever  stringin'  down  his  back,  for  I 
could,  if  danger  pressed  too  near,  cut  it  off  durin'  his  sleep, 
and  would,  too,  even  if  it  led  to  words. 

Wall,  Arvilly's  first  work,  after  she  had  canvassed  the 
hotel-keeper  for  the  "  Twin  Crimes,"  and  as  many  of  the 
guests  as  she  could,  wuz  to  find  out  if  Waitstill  wuz  there. 
And  sure  enough  she  found  her.  She  wuz  in  one  of  the 
hospitals  and  doin'  a  good  work,  jest  as  she  would  anywhere 
she  wuz  put.  She  come  to  the  hotel  to  see  us  as  soon  as 
she  could,  and  Arvilly  seemed  to  renew  her  age,  having 
Waitstill  with  her  agin.  We  writ  to  once  to  Cousin  John 
Richard. 

Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  wuz  dretful  interested  in 
Waitstill,  I  could  see,  and  they  asked  a  great  many  ques 
tions  about  her  work  in  the  hospital.  And  I  see  that  Robert 
wuz  only  grounded  in  his  convictions  when  Waitstill  told 
him  of  the  sickness  the  doctors  and  nurses  had  to  contend 
with,  and  how  largely  it  wuz  caused  by  liquor  drinking. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     145 

Hundreds  of  American  saloons  in  Manila,  so  she  said,  and 
sez  she,  "  How  can  the  hospitals  hope  to  undo  the  evils 
that  these  do  to  men's  souls  and  bodies?  "  Sez  she,  "  You 
know  what  a  fearful  disease  and  crime  breeder  it  is  in  a 
temperate  climate,  but  it  is  tenfold  worse  here  in  this  trop 
ical  land." 

She  wuz  anxious  to  hear  all  the  news  from  Jonesville, 
and  I  willin'ly  told  her  what  Phila  Ann  had  told  me  about 
Elder  White,  and  the  noble  work  he  was  doin'  in  East  Loon- 
town,  and  I  sez,  "  Missionary  work  is  jest  as  necessary  and 
jest  as  important  and  pleasin'  to  God  if  done  in  Loontown 
as  in  the  Antipithies." 

And  she  said  she  knew  it.  And  I  sez :  "  Elder  White  is 
working  himself  to  death,  and  don't  have  the  comforts  of 
life,  to  say  nothin'  of  the  happiness  he  ort  to." 

Waitstill  didn't  say  nothin',  but  I  fancied  a  faint  pink 
flush  stole  up  into  her  white  cheeks,  some  like  the  color  that 
flashes  up  onto  a  snowbank  at  sunset.  Life  wuz  all  snow 
and  sunset  to  her,  I  could  see,  but  I  knowed  that  she  wuz 
the  one  woman  in  the  world  for  Ernest  White,  the  ideal 
woman  his  soul  had  always  worshipped,  and  found  realized 
in  Waitstill — poor  little  creeter! 

I  didn't  know  whether  the  warm  sun  of  his  love  could 
melt  the  snow  and  frozen  hail  or  not — the  sun  duz  melt  such 
things — and  I  knew  love  wuz  the  greatest  thing  in  the  world. 
Well,  I  had  to  leave  the  event  to  Providence,  and  wuz  willin' 
to;  but  yet,  after  a  woman  duz  leave  things  to  the  Most  High 
to  do,  she  loves  to  put  in  her  oar  and  help  things  along; 
mebby  that  is  the  way  of  Providence — who  knows?  But 
'tennyrate  I  gin  another  blind  hint  to  her  before  we  left  the 
conversation. 

Sez  I,  "  Ernest  White  is  doin'  the  Lord's  work  if  ever 
a  man  did,  and  I  can't  think  it  is  the  Lord's  will  that  whilst 
he's  doin'  it  he  ort  to  eat  such  bread  as  he  has  to — milk 
emtin's  and  sour  at  that,  to  say  nothin'  of  fried  stuff  that  a 
anaconda  couldn't  digest.  He  deserves  a  sweet,  love^guarded 
10 


146     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

home,  and  to  be  tended  to  by  a  woman  that  he  loves — one 
who  could  inspire  him  and  help  him  on  in  the  heavenly  way 
he's  treading  alone  and  lonesome."  Her  cheeks  did  turn 
pink  then,  and  her  eyes  looked  like  deep  blue  pools  in  which 
stars  wuz  shinin',  but  she  didn't  say  anything,  and  Robert 
Strong  resoomed  his  talk  with  her  about  her  hospital  work. 
And  before  she  left  he  gin  her  a  big  check  to  use  for  her 
patients;  I  don't  know  exactly  how  big  it  wuz,  but  it  went 
up  into  the  hundreds,  anyway;  and  Dorothy  gin  her  one, 
too,  for  I  see  her  write  it;  Miss  Meechim  gin  her  her  blessin' 
and  more'n  a  dozen  tracts,  which  mebby  will  set  well  on  the 
patients,  if  administered  cautious.  I  myself  gin  her  the 
receipt  for  the  best  mustard  poultice  that  ever  drawed,  and 
two  pairs  of  clouded  blue-and-white  wool  socks  I  had  knit 
on  the  way,  and  though  it  wuz  a  warm  country  she  said 
they  would  come  handy  when  her  patients  had  chills. 

There  wuz  two  young  American  girls  at  the  hotel,  and 
they  happened  to  come  into  the  parlor  while  we  wuz  talkin' 
and  they  sent  a  big  present  to  the  hospital.  I  guess  they 
wuz  real  well  off  and  good  dispositioned.  They  wuz  trav- 
ellin'  alone  and  seemed  to  be  havin'  a  real  good  time.  One 
on  'em  wuz  sunthin'  of  a  invalid,  but  wuz  outdoors  all  day, 
I  spoze  tryin'  to  git  well.  They  minded  their  own  bizness 
and  didn't  do  any  hurt  so  fur  as  I  could  see,  but  Elder  Wes- 
sel  couldn't  bear  'em.  Sez  he  to  me  one  day : 

"I  spoze  they  represent  the  new  young  woman?" 

He  said  it  real  skornful,  and  Arvilly,  who  wuz  present, 
took  him  up  real  snappish.  "  Well,  what  of  it  ?  What  have 
they  done?"  If  that  poor  man  had  said  that  black  wuz 
black  and  white  wuz  white,  Arvilly  would  found  fault  with  it. 

"  I  don't  object  to  what  they  have  done,"  sez  he,  "  so 
much  as  to  what  they  are.  Young  American  women  know 
too  much."  And  Arvilly  sez  with  a  meanin'  glance  at  him, 
"  That  is  sunthin'  that  everybody  don't  have  to  stand." 

She  might  just  as  well  have  called  him  a  fool,  her  axent 
wuz  such.  Arvilly  is  too  hash.  Sez  he :  "  Now  my  Lucia  is 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     147 

different.  She  knows  nothing  about  sin  and  wickedness, 
and  I  got  this  position  for  her,  so  that  as  soon  as  she  left  the 
convent  she  was  placed  directly  in  the  care  of  this  good 
woman  and  her  little  innocent  child.  What  does  she  know 
of  sin  or  sorrow,  or  worldliness  or  vanity?  " 

"Or  danger?"  sez  I  meanin'ly.  "If  she  always  has 
some  one  at  her  side  to  guard  her,  her  perfect  ignorance  and 
innocence  is  a  charm,  but  how  would  it  be  in  the  hour  of 
danger  and  temptation?  Why  should  anybody  fear  being 
burned  if  they  had  no  knowledge  of  fire?" 

"  Oh,"  sez  he,  "  her  divine  innocence  is  her  safeguard. 
Evil  would  retire  abashed  before  the  timid  glance  of  her 
pure  eyes." 

"  I  hope  so,"  sez  I  dryly.  "  I  hope  so.  But  I  never 
knew  the  whiteness  of  its  wool  to  help  a  lamb  if  a  wolfdog 
got  after  it.  But  mebby  it  will  in  her  case,"  sez  I  reason 
ably.  "  I  don't  want  to  break  up  your  happiness,"  sez  I. 

"  You  cannot,"  sez  he  dogmatically.  "  You  cannot.  I 
have  brought  up  my  Lucia  in  the  only  right  way  for  a  young 
girl  to  be  brought  up.  She  has  been  completely  separated 
from  young  people  of  the  opposite  sex;  she  knows  nothing 
of  fashionable  flirting  and  folly.  And  when  I  see  such  ab 
normal  creatures  as  the  New  Girl,  as  they  call  her,  I  am 
horrified,  shocked  beyond  words  at  the  spectacle  of  their 
brazen  independence  and  what  they  call  their  freedom,  their 
comradeship  with  the  opposite  sex,  their  fearlessness  and 
boldness  and  frankness  with  gentlemen,  talking  with  them 
really  as  if  they  were  of  the  same  sex  as  themselves.  As  I 
see  this  I  thank  God  my  Lucia  is  different." 

Well,  she  wuz  a  pretty  little  thing,  with  eyes  as  innocent 
and  timid  as  a  young  fawn's  that  had  never  been  outside  its 
green  covert  in  the  great  wilderness.  But  I  knew  that  under 
her  baby  looks  and  baby  ways  wuz  a  woman's  heart;  a 
woman's  emotions  and  impulses  would  roust  up  when  the 
time  come  and  the  sun  of  love  shone  down  on  her.  Why, 
Nater  had  layed  down  laws  before  Elder  Wessel  did;  he 


148     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

couldn't  keep  her  from  thinkin'  about  her  future  mate;  she 
would  let  her  mind  dwell  on  some  one  if  it  wuz  only  the  man 
in  the  moon.  And  I  knew  the  world  wuz  full  of  bad  men 
as  well  as  good  men.  How  would  it  be  with  her  if  thrown 
with  a  wolf  in  sheep's  clothing?  If  guarded  and  sheltered, 
all  right,  but  if  onguarded  and  onwarned  and  thrown  into 
temptation  and  danger,  I  felt  that  trouble  wuz  ahead  for 
Lucia  Wessel.  But  I  knew  it  wuz  no  use  for  me  to  hist  up 
a  danger  flag  in  front  of  her,  for  her  father  wouldn't  let  me. 
But  I  felt  dubersome  about  her,  dretful  dubersome.  She 
and  Aronette  had  formed  a  real  girl  attachment  for  each 
other,  and  some  way  I  didn't  like  the  idee  on't,  but  don't 
know  as  I  could  have  told  why. 

Well,  we  didn't  lay  out  to  stay  long  in  Manila,  but  we 
did  stay  long  enough  so  Dorothy  and  Miss  Meechim  and 
Robert  Strong  went  round  and  see  the  different  islands. 
They  went  to  Illollo  and  wuz  gone  for  three  days,  Aronette 
stayin'  with  me  at  the  tarven,  and  Dorothy  told  me  when 
she  got  back  how  beautiful  the  journey  wuz.  The  water  wuz 
like  glass,  the  sunrise  and  sunset  marvellous,  thickly  wooded 
shores  on  either  side  rilled  with  oncounted  wealth.  Great 
forests  of  sandal-wood,  enough  to  build  houses  of,  and  how 
we  treasure  little  snips  on't  in  fan  sticks.  Mahogany  trees 
enough  to  build  barns  and  cow  stables  on,  and  how  we  gloat 
over  a  old  clock  case  or  lamp  stand  made  on't.  She  said  that 
Illollo  wuz  like  most  old  Spanish  towns,  dretful  old  lookin' 
and  kinder  run  down.  The  natives  dressed  like  others  she 
had  seen,  but  spoke  a  different  language.  They  went  to  the 
American  general's  headquarters  some  two  milds  off.  A 
'hundred  varieties  of  palm  trees  grow  along  the  road  and 
every  sort  of  tropical  tree.  The  natives  wuz  all  dark  com 
plected,  but  some  good  lookin',  most  all  bareheaded  or  else 
with  a  gay  turban  and  knives  stuck  in  the  sashes  of  their  gay 
tunics. 

One  day  whilst  the  party  wuz  gone  Tommy  and  I  wuz 
takin'  a  little  walk;  Josiah  couldn't  go,  he  had  got  hold  of  a 


New  York  paper  of  three  weeks  before,  and  was  readin'  it 
through  from  title  page  to  Lost  and  Found  column.  We 
wandered  into  a  little  cross  street  lined  on  each  side  with 
little  shops  with  the  shopkeepers  squattin'  in  the  door,  and 
outside  the  native  wives  and  children.  Everything  under 
the  sun  almost  wuz  to  be  found  in  these  shops,  and  we  had 
wandered  along  for  quite  a  good  ways  lookin'  at  the  curious 
things,  and  still  more  curious  people,  when  we  met  Aronette 
and  Lucia,  accompanied  by  the  two  young  men  I  had  seen 
with  'em  on  the  boat;  they  wuz  on  the  stoop  of  one  of  the 
old  business  buildin's,  gigglin'  and  laughin'  like  a  bevy  of 
swallers  round  the  eaves  of  a  Jonesville  barn. 

But,  as  I  said  before,  I  didn't  like  the  looks  of  the  young 
men,  and  on  Aronette's  return  I  told  her  so,  feelin'  I  wuz 
in  a  measure  responsible  for  her  safety  whilst  her  mistress 
wuz  away.  Aronette  wuz  combin'  Tommy's  hair  and  curlin' 
it  over  her  finger  as  I  talked  to  her,  which  made  me  feel 
some  mean  to  attact  her  whilst  in  my  service,  but  Duty's 
apron  string  fluttered  down  before  me  and  I  stiddied  myself 
on  it  as  I  spoke  real  good  warnin'  words  to  her. 

Sez  I,  "  My  dear,  I  didn't  like  the  looks  of  the  young 
men  I  saw  you  walkin'  with  to-night."  Sez  I,  "  I  saw  them 
two  young  men  coming  out  of  a  saloon  not  a  half  hour  be 
fore,  and  "  sez  I,  "  they  look  to  me  dissipated  and  mean. 
They  drink;  I  know  by  their  looks  they  do." 

And  she  sez,  "  Oh,  dear  madam,  I  only  went  out  to  take 
the  air  a  little  while.  You  know  I  care  for  nobody  in  this 
country.  My  heart  is  in  old  Normandie,"  sez  she,  the  tears 
welling  up  to  the  blue  well  of  her  eyes.  "  My  heart  is  with 
my  Pierre,  but,"  sez  she,  kinder  tossin'  her  head,  not  a  high 
toss,  only  a  little  vain  pretty  motion  of  a  pretty,  thoughtless 
girl,  some  like  a  bluebird  in  the  spring  of  the  year,  "  if  a 
young  man  insists  on  paying  you  a  little  attention  what  can 
a  poor  little  girl  do  ?  The  days  are  long  when  one  is  young 
and  her  own  Pierre  so  far  away,  and,  dear  madam,  Lucia 
was  with  me." 


150     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81 AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Another  innocent,  ignorant  young  creature,"  sez  I ; 
"  two  little  butterflies  fluttering  about  instead  of  one,  not 
thinkin'  or  carin'  for  the  fouler's  net,"  sez  I,  smilin'  on  her 
pleasant,  for  I  couldn't  help  it.  For  I  knew  the  heart  of 
youth,  and  the  monotony  of  life,  and  the  need  of  young 
hearts  for  each  other.  But  I  didn't  like  the  young  men's 
looks  and  told  her  so  agin,  and  she  laughed,  and  said  she 
didn't  like  their  looks  either.  Sez  she,  "  Their  breath  always 
smells  of  the  whiskey.  Faugh ! "  sez  she,  "  it  makes  me 
sick,"  and  she  shrugged  her  shoulders  in  the  true  French  way. 

And  I  sez  agin,  lookin'  solemn,  "  No  young  man  whose 
breath  smells  of  whiskey  is  safe  for  any  young  girl  to  asso 
ciate  with.  It  is  a  pizen  atmosphere  that  blasts  every  sweet 
and  pure  thing  that  comes  nigh  it."  And  I  sithed. 

And  she  said  in  her  own  sweet  way  that  she  knew  I  was 
telling  the  truth,  for  I  talked  just  as  her  own  sweet  mother 
did.  And  she  bent  down  with  one  of  her  pretty  foreign 
ways  and  kissed  my  hand.  Dear  little  thing,  I  didn't  spoze 
my  talk  had  done  her  much  good,  but  then  I  considered  it 
couldn't  do  her  any  hurt  'tennyrate.  And  so  I  left  the  event 
to  the  overruling  Power,  just  as  we  poor  weak  mortals 
have  to. 


CHAPTER   XIII 

ELL,  a  day  or  two  after  that  Josiah  and  I  wuz 
takin'  a  walk,  meetin'  occasionally  Turks  all 
dressed  Turkey  fashion,  and  Japans,  and  Yan 
kees  and  men  and  wimmen  and  children,  when 
who  should  we  meet  face  to  face  but  Cousin 
John  Richard,  that  blessed  man.  As  I  said,  we  had  writ 
and  writ  and  tried  to  find  him,  but  didn't  know  but  we  should 
have  to  hunt  round  considerable,  but  wuz  bound  to  not  leave 
the  islands  till  we'd  seen  him.  But  lo  and  behold!  here  he 
wuz,  lookin'  just  as  good  and  heavenly  minded  as  ever.  He 
wuz  santerin'  along  apparently  lost  in  deep  thought  or  nearly 
lost. 

But  when  he  see  us  he  grasped  our  hands  with  a  welcome 
that  made  us  know  that  no  matter  to  what  a  extent  a  man's 
soul  may  live  in  the  heavens,  his  heart  is  tied  with  deathless 
ties  to  the  relations  on  his  own  side  and  to  their  pardners  if 
they  be  congenial. 

We  stopped  stun  still  and  talked  quite  a  spell  about  differ 
ent  things,  our  health,  the  relations  and  so  forth. 

Anon  I  sez,  "  Cousin  John  Richard,  you  look  wan  and 
pale,  but  it  is  a  blessed  work  you  are  doin'." 

He  had  opened  a  midnight  mission,  helpin'  the  weak  and 
tempted  and  overcome  of  both  sects,  preachin'  the  love  of 
Christ  and  follerin'  his  teachin'  up  by  good  works. 

He  told  us  all  about  it  as  we  santered  on  and  said  he  wuz 
not  weary  or  discouraged.  And  I  could  see  that  though  his 
linement  looked  pale  and  worn  a  deathless  light  shone  in 
his  deep  kind  eyes  and  I  knew  he  wuz  endurin'  as  seein'  Him 
who  wuz  invisible. 

As  we  walked  on  he  said,  sadly  pintin'  to  a  barren  lookin' 


152     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

spot  sown  thick  with  graves,  "  In  this  deadly  climate  the 
Drink  Demon  has  little  to  do  to  assist  his  brother,  Death, 
Our  poor  northern  boys  fall  like  rotten  leaves  before  a  hur 
ricane." 

Sez  I,  lookin'  up  to  the  blue  sky,  "  Why  don't  the  heavens 
fall  when  such  things  affront  the  light  of  day ! " 

"  The  patience  of  God,"  sez  Cousin  John  Richard,  "  is 
one  of  the  things  we  cannot  measure." 

"  Nor  his  pity  nuther,"  sez  I  in  heart-broken  axents,  for 
as  I  looked  at  them  thickly  sown  graves  and  thought  of 
the  mothers  and  wives  and  sweethearts  fur,  fur  away  mourn- 
in'  for  them  that  wuz  not,  my  tears  fell  and  I  wiped  'em  off 
with  my  snowy  linen  handkerchief. 

Well,  Cousin  John  Richard  had  an  appointment  in  an 
other  part  of  the  city  and  we  parted  away  from  each  other, 
he  promisin'  to  come  and  see  us  at  our  tarven  before  we  left 
the  city. 

Well,  we  didn't  make  a  long  stay  in  Manila.  But  Arvilly 
beset  me  to  go  with  her  to  see  General  Grant,  who  was  here 
on  a  tour  of  inspection,  on  this  subject  so  near  to  her  heart, 
and  which  she  had  made  her  lifework.  She  said  that  it  wuz 
my  duty  to  go. 

But  I  sez,  "Arvilly,  you  talk  so  hash;  I  can't  bear  to 
have  the  son  of  the  man  who  saved  his  country  talked  to  as 
I  am  afraid  you  will  if  you  git  to  goin'." 

Sez  she,  "  I  won't  open  my  head.  You  know  the  subject 
from  A  to  izzard.  I'll  jest  stand  by  and  listen,  but  some 
body  ort  to  talk  to  him.  Hundreds  and  hundreds  of  Ameri 
can  saloons  in  this  one  city!  Forced  onto  these  islands  by 
our  country.  Sunthin'  has  got  to  be  done  about  it.  If  you 
don't  go  and  talk  to  him  about  it  I  shall  certainly  go  alone, 
and  if  I  do  go,"  sez  she,  "  he  will  hear  talk  that  he  never 
hearn  before." 

"  I'll  go,  Arvilly,"  sez  I  hurriedly,  "  I'll  go  and  do  the 
best  I  can,  but  if  you  put  in  and  talk  so  hash  it  will  jest 
throw  me  off  the  track." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     153 

"A  promise  is  a  promise,"  sez  she;  "  I  never  did  break 
my  word  yet." 

Well,  havin'  made  the  necessary  preliminary  moves,  we 
met  General  Grant  by  appointment  in  his  own  quarters. 
Before  we  got  inside  the  lines  we  had  to  advance  and  give 
the  countersign,  which  wuz  Whiskey.  Arvilly  planted  her 
self  right  there  like  a  balky  mule  and  said  she  would  die  in 
her  tracks  before  she  said  it.  But  I,  knowin'  that  it  wouldn't 
make  nor  break  the  traffick,  sez,  "  Whiskey,"  and  I  added, 
"  May  the  Lord  destroy  it !  "  Arvilly  sez,  "  Amen !  "  and 
we  walked  in  past  the  astounded  sentry  with  out  heads  up. 
(General  Grant  hadn't  nothin'  to  do  with  that  countersign; 
it  wuz  some  officer's  doin's.)  Well,  General  Grant  seemed 
quite  pleased  to  see  us.  He's  a  real  good-lookin'  man,  and 
if  he  hadn't  any  properties  of  his  own  he  would  be  beloved 
for  his  pa's  sake,  but  he  has  properties  of  his  own.  He  is 
a  good  man  and  a  smart  one.  Well,  the  first  compliments 
bein'  passed,  I  lanched  out  into  my  bizness. 

Sez  I,  "  Brigadier  General  Grant,  I  have  come  to  you  on 
the  most  important  mission  any  ambassador  ever  travelled 
on." 

Sez  he,  "  What  sovereign,  madam,  do  you  represent, 
and  from  what  country  do  you  come?  "  Sez  I,  "  Brigadier 
General  Grant,  my  mission  is  from  the  Lord  of  Hosts,  and 
the  country  I  come  to  plead  for  is  your  own  native  land — 
the  United  States — the  land  your  own  illustrious  pa  saved 
with  the  Lord's  help." 

He  wuz  deeply  affected  I  see  and  invited  us  to  set  down, 
consequently  we  sot.  And  I  sez,  plungin'  to  once  into  my 
bizness  as  my  way  is  in  Jonesville  or  the  Antipathies :  "  Brig 
adier  General,  everybody  knows  that  you  are  a  brave  man 
and  a  good  man."  He  thanked  me  and  looked  pleased,  as 
well  he  might  from  such  an  enconium  from  one  of  the  first 
wimmen  of  the  ages,  and  I  resoomed :  "  General  Grant,"  sez 
I,  "  are  you  brave  enough  and  good  enough  to  tackle  the 
worst  foe  America  ever  had  ?  " 


154     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Sez  he,  "  What  foe  do  you  allude  to,  mam  ?  " 

Sez  I,  "  The  foe  that  slays  one  hundred  thousand  a  year, 
and  causes  ten  thousand  murders  every  year,  steals  the 
vittles  and  clothes  from  starvin'  wimmen  and  children,  has 
its  deadly  grip  on  Church  and  State,  and  makes  our  civiliza 
tion  and  Christianity  a  mock  and  byword  amongst  them 
that  think." 

"  You  allude  to  Intemperance,  I  presume,"  sez  he.  He's 
dretful  smart ;  he  knew  it  in  a  minute  from  my  description. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  a  foe  a  million  times  as  dangerous  as  any 
your  army  ever  faced,  and  a  million  times  as  hard  to  chase 
out  of  its  ambuscade." 

Sez  I,  "  Frederic  (I  thought  mebby  it  would  sound  more 
convincin'  and  friendly  if  I  called  him  Frederic,  and  I  wanted 
to  convince  him;  I  wanted  to  like  a  dog),  I  don't  believe  in 
war,  but  when  your  men  died  in  battle  they  didn't  moulder 
out  a  livin'  death,  chained  to  tender  hearts,  dragged  along 
the  putrid  death  path  with  'em.  Their  country  honored 
'em;  they  wuzn't  thrust  into  dishonored  graves,  some  as 
paupers,  some  as  criminals  swingin'  from  scaffolds.  Their 
country  mourns  for  'em  and  honors  'em.  It  wuzn't  glad 
to  cover  their  faces  away  from  the  light,  brutish  faces  to  hant 
'em  with  reproach,  I  should  think,  knowin'  how  they  died. 
Try  to  think  of  that,  Frederic ;  try  to  take  it  to  heart." 

I  hearn  Arvilly  behind  me  breathin'  hard  and  kinder 
chokin'  seemin'ly,  and  I  knew  she  wuz  holdin'  herself  in  as 
tight  as  if  she  had  a  rope  round  her  emotions  and  indigna 
tions  to  keep  her  from  breakin'  in  and  jinin'  our  talk,  but 
she  wuz  as  true  as  steel  to  her  word  and  didn't  say  nothin' 
and  I  resoomed : 

"  You've  got  to  take  such  things  to  hum  to  realize  'em," 
sez  I.  "  Owin'  to  a  sweet  mother  and  a  good  father  your 
boy  mebby  is  safe.  But  spozein'  he  wuzn't,  spozein'  you  and 
his  sweet  ma  had  to  look  on  as  millions  of  other  pas  and 
mas  have  to  and  see  his  handsome,  manly  young  face  growin' 
red,  dissipated,  brutal;  his  light,  gay  young  heart  changed 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     155 

to  a  demon's,  and  from  bein'  your  chief  pride  you  had  to  hide 
him  out  of  sight  like  the  foul  and  loathsome  leper  he  had  be 
come.  Millions  of  other  pas  and  mas  that  love  their  boys 
as  well  as  you  love  yours  have  to  do  this.  And  if  it  wuz 
your  boy  what  would  you  say  of  the  legalized  crime  that 
made  him  so?  Wouldn't  you  turn  the  might  of  your  great 
strength  aginst  it  ?  " 

He  didn't  speak  out  loud,  but  I  see  from  his  looks  that 
he  would.  "  Then,"  sez  I,  "  do,  do  think  of  other  pas  and 
mas  and  sisters  and  sweethearts  and  wives  weepin'  and 
wailin'  for  husbands,  sons  and  brothers  slain  by  this  enemy! 
I  spoze,"  sez  I  reasonably,  "  that  you  think  it  is  an  old  story 
and  monotonous,  but  Love  is  an  old  story  and  Grief  and 
Death,  but  they  are  jest  as  true  as  at  the  creation  and  jest 
as  solemn."  I  thought  he  looked  a  good  deal  convinced,  but 
he  looked  as  if  he  wuz  thinkin'  of  the  extreme  difficulty  of 
reachin'  and  vanquishin'  this  foe  intrenched  as  it  is  in  the 
lowest  passions  of  men,  hidin'  behind  the  highest  legal  bar 
riers  and  barricaded  behind  meetin'  house  doors,  guarded 
by  the  ballots  of  saint  and  sinner;  I  read  these  thoughts  on 
his  forehead,  and  answered  'em  jest  as  if  he'd  spoke. 

Sez  I,  "  When  your  illustrious  father  come  up  face  to 
face  with  a  foe  no  other  general  could  manage,  did  he  flinch 
and  draw  back  because  it  had  been  called  onmanageable  by 
everybody  else?  No,  he  drawed  a  line  between  good  and 
evil,  black  and  white,  and  says,  '  I'll  fight  it  right  out  on  this 
line.'  And  he  did,  and  before  his  courage  and  bravery  and 
persistence  the  foe  fell.  Now,  Frederic,  here  is  the  biggest 
foe  that  the  American  people  are  facin'  to-day;  here  are  weak 
generals  and  incompetent  ones.  Nobody  can  manage  it; 
them  high  in  authority  wink  at  it  and  dassent  tackle  it,  and 
so  on  down  through  all  the  grades  of  society — Church  and 
State — they  dassent  touch  it.  And  what  is  the  burnin'est 
shame,  them  that  ort  to  fight  it  support  it  with  all  the 
political  and  moral  help  they  can  give  it.  Here  is  a  chance, 
Frederic,  for  you  to  do  tenfold  more  for  your  country's  good 


156     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

than  ever  your  revered  father  did,  and  you  know  and  I 
know  that  if  it  wasn't  for  this  great  evil  and  a  few  others, 
such  as  the  big  Trusts  and  a  few  other  things,  our  country 
is  the  greatest  and  best  that  the  sun  ever  shone  on.  If 
we  loved  our  country  as  we  ort  to  we  would  try  to  make 
her  do  away  with  these  evils  and  stand  up  perfect  under  the 
heavens.  It  is  the  ma  that  loves  her  child  that  spanks  her 
into  doin'  right  if  she  can't  coax  her,  and  now  do  lay  hold  and 
help  your  country  up  onto  the  highest  pedestal  that  a  coun 
try  ever  stood  on,  and  I'll  help  boost  all  I  can."  I  hearn  be 
hind  me  a  loud  "  amen,"  turned  into  a  cough.  Arvilly  wuzn't 
to  blame ;  it  spoke  itself  onbeknown  to  her. 

Sez  I,  "  This  is  a  hard  job  I  am  askin'  you  to  tackle.  The 
foe  your  father  fit  was  in  front  of  him,  but  this  foe  is  within 
and  without,  and  has  for  allies,  powers  and  principalities  and 
the  Prince  of  Darkness.  And  now  will  you,  bearin'  the  name 
you  do,  of  General  Grant,  will  you  flinch  before  this  black 
hearted  foe  that  aims  at  the  heart  and  souls  of  your  country 
men  and  countrywomen,  or  will  you  lead  the  Forlorn  Hope  ? 
I  believe  that  if  you  would  raise  the  White  Banner  and  lead 
on  this  army  of  the  Cross,  Church  and  State  would  rally  to 
your  battle-cry,  angels  would  swarm  round  your  standard 
and  the  Lord  of  Hosts  go  forward  before  you." 

He  didn't  say  he  would,  I  spoze  he  wuz  too  agitated. 
But  he  sez  sunthin'  in  a  real  polite  way  about  what  a  good 
Ambassador  his  country  had  in  me. 

But  I  sez  sadly,  "  I  can't  do  much,  Frederic.  I  am  a 
woman,  and  the  only  weepon  that  is  able  to  slay  this  demon 
is  hung  up  there  in  Washington,  D.  C.  Wimmen  can't 
reach  up  to  it,  they  can't  vote.  But  you  can;  your  arm  is 
longer,  and  with  that  you  can  slay  this  demon  as  St.  George 
slew  the  dragon.  And  heaven  itself  would  drop  down  heav 
enly  immortelles  to  mix  with  our  laurel  leaves  to  crown  your 
forehead.  Think  on  it,  Frederic,  no  war  wuz  ever  so  holy,  no 
war  on  earth  wuz  ever  so  full  of  immortal  consequences." 

And  here  I  riz  up,  for  I  felt  that  I  must  leave  the  Pres- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     157 

ence,  not  wantin'  to  make  the  Presence  twice  glad.  I  reached 
out  my  right  hand  and  sez,  "  Good-by,  and  God  bless  you,  for 
your  own  sake  and  for  the  sake  of  your  noble  pa." 

He  looked  earnest  and  thoughtful,  that  allusion  to  the 
boy  he  loved  so,  named  after  his  illustrious  grandpa,  had 
touched  his  very  soul.  I  felt  that  I  had  not  lost  my  breath 
or  the  eloquence  I  had  lavished.  I  felt  that  he  would  help 
save  other  bright  young  boys  from  the  demon  that  sought 
their  lives — the  bloody  demon  that  stalks  up  and  down  our 
country  wrapped  in  a  shelterin'  mantilly  made  of  the  Stars 
and  Stripes — oh,  for  shame!  for  shame  that  it  is  so!  But  I 
felt  that  General  Grant  would  come  up  to  the  help  of  the 
Lord  aginst  the  mighty,  I  felt  it  in  my  bones.  But  I  wuz 
brung  down  a  good  deal  in  my  feelin's  as  Arvilly  advanced  to 
the  front.  She  had  kep'  her  word  as  to  talkin',  though  the 
indignant  sniffs  and  sithes  behind  me  showed  how  hard  it 
had  been  for  her  to  keep  her  word,  but  now  she  advanced 
and  sez,  as  she  drew  out  her  two  books  from  her  work  bag : 
"  General  Grant,  I  have  two  books  here  I  would  like  to  show 
you,  one  is  the  '  Twin  Crimes  of  America :  Intemperance  and 
Greed/  that  subject  so  ably  presented  to  you  by  Samantha; 
the  other  is  'The  Wild,  Wicked  and  Warlike  Deeds  of  Men.'" 

Sez  General  Grant,  risin'  up :  "  I  haven't  time,  madam,  to 
examine  them,  but  put  me  down  as  a  subscriber  to  both." 
Arvilly  wuz  in  high  sperits  all  the  way  back.  As  we  wended 
our  way  to  the  tarven  agin  who  should  we  find  but  Wait- 
still  Webb,  and  we  wuz  dretful  glad  on't,  for  we  wuz  layin' 
out  to  leave  Manila  in  a  few  days,  and  this  would  be  our  last 
meetin'  for  some  time,  if  not  forever.  Though  I  wuz  glad  to 
see  when  questioned  by  me  about  her  return  that  she  didn't 
act  so  determined  as  she  had  acted  about  devotin'  her  hull 
life  to  nursin'  the  sick. 

She  told  Arvilly  confidential  that  she  had  had  a  letter 
from  Ernest  White  since  we  had  seen  her.  Arvilly  knew  that 
he  had  wanted  to  make  her  his  bride  before  she  left  Jones- 
ville.  But  the  two  ghosts,  her  murdered  love  and  her  duty, 


158     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

stalked  between  'em  then,  and  I  spozed  wuz  stalkm'  some 
now.  But  as  I  said  more  previous,  the  sun  will  melt  the 
snow,  and  no  knowin'  what  will  take  place.  I  even  fancied 
that  the  cold  snow  wuz  a  little  more  soft  and  slushy  than  it 
had  been,  but  couldn't  tell  for  certain. 


CHAPTER    XIV 

DRETFUL  thing  has  happened !  I  am  almost 
too  agitated  to  talk  about  it,  but  when  I  went 
down  with  my  pardner  and  Tommy  to  break 
fast  ruther  late,  for  we  wrote  some  letters  be 
fore  we  went  down,  Miss  Meechim  broke  the 
news  to  me  with  red  eyes,  swollen  with  weepin'.  Aronette, 
that  dear  sweet  little  maid  that  had  waited  on  all  on  us  as 
devoted  as  if  we  wuz  her  own  mas  and  mas,  wuz  missin'.  Her 
bed  hadn't  been  slep'  in  for  all  night;  she  went  out  early  in 
the  evenin'  on  a  errent  for  Dorothy  and  hadn't  come  back. 

She  slept  in  a  little  room  off  from  Dorothy's,  who  had 
discovered  Aronette's  absence  very  early  in  the  morning,  and 
they  had  all  been  searching  for  her  ever  sence.  But  no  trace 
of  her  could  be  found;  she  had  disappeared  as  utterly  as 
if  the  earth  had  opened  and  swallowed  her  up.  Dorothy 
wuz  sick  in  bed  from  worry  and  grief;  she  loved  Aronette 
like  a  sister ;  and  Miss  Meechim  said,  bein'  broke  up  by  sor 
row,  "  Next  to  my  nephew  and  Dorothy  I  loved  that  child." 
And  anon  another  dretful  thing  wuz  discovered.  Whilst 
we  wuz  talkin'  about  Aronette,  Elder  Wessel  rushed  in  dis 
tracted,  with  his  neck-tie  hangin'  under  one  ear,  and  his 
coat  buttoned  up  wrong  and  the  feathers  of  his  conceit  and 
egotism  and  self-righteousness  hangin'  limp  as  a  wet  hen. 

Lucia  had  gone  too;  had  disappeared  jest  as  Aronette 
had,  no  trace  could  be  found  of  her;  her  bed  had  not  been 
slept  in.  She,  too,  had  gone  out  on  an  errent  the  evening 
before.  She  and  Aronette  had  been  seen  to  leave  the  hotel 
together  in  the  early  evening.  Elder  Wessel,  half  distracted, 
searched  for  them  with  all  his  strength  of  mind  and  purse. 
I  started  Josiah  off  a  huntin'  the  minute  he  had  got 


160     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

through  eatin'.  He  refused  pint  blank  to  go  before.  "  Eat," 
sez  I,  "  who  can  eat  in  such  a  time  as  this?  " 

Sez  he,  "  It  goes  agin  my  stomach  every  mou'ful  I  take 
(which  was  true  anyway),  but  we  must  eat,  Samantha,"  sez 
he,  helpin'  himself  to  another  cake.  "  We  must  eat  so's  to 
keep  up  our  strength  to  hunt  high  and  low." 

Well,  I  spozed  he  wuz  in  the  right  on't,  but  every  mou'ful 
he  consumed  riled  me.  But  at  last  the  plate  wuz  emptied  and 
the  coffee  pot  out  and  he  sot  off.  And  we  searched  all  that 
day  and  the  next  and  the  next,  and  so  did  Miss  Meechim  and 
Arvilly,  with  tears  runnin'  down  her  face  anon  or  oftener. 

Robert  Strong,  led  on,  Miss  Meechim  said  by  her  anxiety, 
but  I  thought  mebby  by  the  agony  in  Dorothy's  sweet  eyes 
as  well  as  his  own  good  heart,  didn't  leave  a  stone  unturned 
in  his  efforts  to  find  'em.  But  they  had  disappeared  utterly, 
no  trace  could  be  found  of  'em.  They  had  been  seen  dur 
ing  the  evening  with  the  two  young  men  they  had  got 
acquainted  with  and  that  I  didn't  like.  They  had  been  seen 
speaking  with  them  as  they  came  out  of  the  shop  where 
Dorothy  had  sent  Aronette,  and  the  young  men  could  not 
be  found. 

Well,  we  had  all  searched  for  three  days  without  finding 
any  trace  of  the  two  missing  girls.  Everything  wuz  ready 
for  our  departure,  but  Dorothy  said  that  she  could  not,  could 
not  go  without  Aronette,  but  Robert  Strong  said  and  be 
lieved  that  the  child  was  dead.  He  had  come  to  the  belief 
that  she  and  Lucia  by  some  accident  had  fallen  into  the 
water  and  wuz  drowned.  Dorothy  had  cried  herself  sick 
and  she  looked  wan  and  white,  but  bein'  so  sweet  disposi- 
tioned  she  give  up  when  we  all  said  that  we  must  go  before 
long,  and  said  that  she  would  go  too,  though  I  knew  that 
her  heart  would  remain  there  wanderin'  round  in  them  queer 
streets  huntin'  for  her  lost  one.  The  morning  of  the  third 
day  after  they  wuz  lost  I  wuz  down  in  the  parlor,  when  a 
man  come  in  and  spoke  to  Robert  Strong,  and  they  both 
went  out  together  talking  earnestly,  and  I  see  in  Robert's 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     161 

face  a  look  of  borrow  and  surprise  that  I  had  never  seen 
in  it  before;  and  the  first  time  Robert  saw  me  alone  after 
that  he  told  me  the  dretful  news.  He  said  that  the  man 
that  spoke  to  him  was  a  detective  he  had  employed,  and 
the  evening  before  he  had  come  acrost  a  man  who  had  been 
out  of  town  since  the  night  Aronette  wuz  lost.  This  man 
told  the  detective  that  he  saw  her  and  Lucia  and  the  two 
young  men  coming  out  of  a  saloon  late  at  night,  staggering 
and  reeling  they  all  wuz,  and  they  disappeared  down  a  cross 
street  towards  another  licensed  house  of  ruin.  Licensed  by 
Christian  America !  Oh,  my  achin'  'heart  to  think  on't !  "  I 
wonder  if  our  govermunt  is  satisfied  now,"  I  broke  out, 
"  since  it  has  ruined  her,  one  of  the  sweetest  girls  in  the 
world.  But  how  did  they  ever  entice  'em  into  that  saloon?  " 
sez  I. 

"  They  might  have  made  them  think  it  was  respectable, 
they  do  serve  lunches  at  some  of  them ;  of  course  they  didn't 
know  what  kind  of  a  place  it  was.  And  after  they  wuz  made 
stupid  drunk  they  didn't  know  or  care  where  they  went." 

"  I  wonder  if  America  is  satisfied  now !  "  I  sez  agin, 
"  reachin'  out  her  long  arms  clear  acrost  the  Pacific  to  lead 
them  sweet  girls  into  the  pit  she  has  dug  for  her  soldiers? 
Oh !  "  sez  I,  "  if  she'd  only  been  drownded !  "  And  I  wiped 
my  streamin'  eyes  on  my  linen  handkerchief. 

And  Robert  sithed  deep  and  sez,  "  Yes,  if  she  had  only 
died,  and,"  he  sez,  "  I  can't  tell  Dorothy,  I  cannot." 

And  I  sez,  "  There  is  no  need  on't ;  better  let  her  think 
she's  dead.  How  long,"  sez  I,  turning  toward  him  fierce  in 
my  aspect,  "how  long  is  the  Lord  and  decent  folks  goin'  to 
allow  such  things  to  go  on  ?  " 

And  he  sez,  "  Heaven  knows,  I  don't."  And  we  couldn't 
say  more,  for  Dorothy  wuz  approachin',  and  Robert  called  up 
a  smile  to  his  troubled  face  as  he  went  forward  to  meet  her. 
But  he  told  me  afterwards  that  the  news  had  almost  killed 
Elder  Wessel.  He  had  to  tell  him  to  help  him  in  his  search. 
He  wuz  goin'  to  stay  on  there  a  spell  longer.  He  had  to 
11 


162     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

tell  him  that  Lucia  had  been  seen  with  Aronette  staggering 
out  of  a  saloon  with  two  young  men  late  at  night,  reeling 
down  a  by-street  to  that  other  licensed  house  which  our 
Christian  govermunt  keeps  nigh  the  saloon,  it  is  so  obleegin' 
and  fatherly  to  its  men  and  boys. 

When  he  told  him  Elder  Wessel  fell  right  down  in  his 
chair,  Robert  said,  and  buried  his  face  in  his  hands,  and 
when  he  took  his  hands  down  it  wuz  from  the  face  of  an 
old  man,  a  haggard,  wretched,  broken-down  old  man. 

The  People's  Club  House  didn't  wear  the  kindly  benefi 
cent  aspect  it  had  wore.  He  felt  that  coffee  and  good  books 
and  music  would  have  been  safer  to  fill  the  Poor  Man's 
Club  with ;  safer  for  the  poor  man ;  safer  for  the  poor  man's 
family.  Tea  and  coffee  seemed  to  look  different  to  him 
from  whiskey,  and  true  liberty  that  he  had  talked  about 
didn't  seem  the  liberty  to  kill  and  destroy.  The  license  law 
didn't  wear  the  aspect  it  had  wore  to  him,  the  two  licensed 
institutions  Christian  America  furnished  for  its  citizens  at 
home  and  abroad  seemed  now  to  him,  instead  of  something 
to  be  winked  at  and  excused,  to  be  two  accursed  hells  yawn 
ing  for  the  young  and  innocent  and  unsuspicious  as  well  as 
for  the  wicked  and  evil-minded.  Ungrateful  country,  here 
wuz  one  of  thy  sons  who  sung  the  praises  of  thy  institu 
tions  under  every  sky!  Ungrateful  indeed,  to  pierce  thy 
most  devoted  vassal  with  this  sharp  thorn,  this  unbearable 
agony. 

"  For  how  was  he  goin'  to  live  through  it,"  he  cried.  How 
was  he  ?  His  beautiful,  innocent  daughter !  his  one  pet  lamb ! 
It  was  not  for  her  undoing  that  he  had  petted  and  smiled 
on  these  institutions,  the  fierce  wolves  of  prey,  and  fed 
them  with  honeyed  words  of  excuse  and  praise.  No,  it  wuz 
for  the  undoing  of  some  other  man's  daughter  that  he  had 
imagined  these  institutions  had  been  raised  and  cherished. 

He  wuz  an  old  broken  man  when  he  tottered  out  of  that 
room.  And  whilst  we  wuz  moving  heaven  and  earth  hunt 
ing  for  the  girls  he  wuz  raving  with  delerium  with  a  doctor 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     163 

and  trained  nurse  over  him.  Poor  man!  doomed  to  spend 
his  hull  life  a  wretched  wanderer,  searching  for  the  idol 
of  his  heart  he  wuz  never  to  see  agin — never ! 

Well,  the  time  come  when  we  wuz  obleeged  to  leave 
Manila.  Robert  Strong,  for  Dorothy's  sake  as  well  as  his 
own,  left  detectives  to  help  on  the  search  for  the  lost  ones, 
and  left  word  how  to  communicate  with  him  at  any  time. 
Waitstill  Webb,  bein'  consulted  with,  promised  to  do  all  in 
her  power  to  help  find  them,  but  she  didn't  act  half  so 
shocked  and  horrified  as  I  spozed  she  would,  not  half  so 
much  as  Arvilly  did.  She  forgot  her  canvassin'  and  wep' 
and  cried  for  three  or  four  days  most  all  the  time,  and  went 
round  huntin',  actin'  more'n  half  crazy,  her  feelin's  wuz 
such.  But  I  spoze  the  reason  Waitstill  acted  so  calm  wuz 
that  such  things  wuz  so  common  in  her  experience.  She 
had  knowledge  of  the  deadly  saloon  and  its  twin  licensed 
horror,  dretful  things  was  occurring  all  the  time,  she  said. 

The  detectives  also  seemed  to  regard  it  as  nothing  out 
of  the  common,  and  as  to  the  saloon-keeper,  so  much  worse 
things  wuz  happenin'  all  the  time  in  his  profession,  so  much 
worse  crimes,  that  he  and  his  rich  pardner,  the  American 
Govermunt,  sees  goin'  on  all  the  time  in  their  countless 
places  of  bizness,  murders,  suicides,  etc.,  that  they  evidently 
seemed  to  consider  this  a  very  commonplace  affair;  and  so 
of  the  other  house  kep'  by  the  two  pardners,  the  brazen 
faced  old  hag  and  Christian  America,  there,  too,  so  many 
more  terrible  things  wuz  occurrin'  all  the  time  that  this  wuz 
a  very  tame  thing  to  talk  about. 

But  to  us  who  loved  her,  to  us  whose  hearts  wuz  wrung 
thinkin'  of  her,  mournin'  for  her,  cryin'  on  our  pillers,  seekin' 
with  agonized,  hopeless  eyes  for  our  dear  one,  we  kep'  on 
searchin'  day  and  night,  hopin'  aginst  hope  till  the  last  minute 
of  our  stay  there.  And  the  moon  and  stars  of  the  tropics 
looked  in  night  after  night  to  the  room  where  the  old  father 
lay  at  death's  door,  mourning  for  his  beautiful  innocent 
daughter  who  wuz  lost — lost. 


164     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

\ 

But  the  hour  come  for  us  to  go  and  we  went,  and  right 
by  us,  day  or  night,  in  sun  or  shade,  from  that  hour  on  a 
black  shadder  walked  by  the  side  on  us  in  place  of  the  dim 
pled,  merry  face  of  the  little  maid.  We  didn't  forgit  her  in 
the  highest  places  or  the  lowest.  And  after  days  and  days 
had  passed  I  felt  guilty,  and  as  if  I  hadn't  ort  to  be  happy, 
and  no  knowin'  where  she'd  drifted  to  in  the  cruel  under 
world,  and  wuz  like  sea-weed  driftin'  in  the  ocean  current. 
And  when  we  wuz  out  evenin's,  no  matter  where  I  wuz,  I 
watched  the  faces  of  every  painted,  gaudy  dressed  creeter  I 
see,  flittin'  down  cross  streets,  hoping  and  dreading  to  see 
Aronette's  little  form.  Arvilly  and  Miss  Meechim  openly 
and  loudly,  and  Dorothy's  pale  face  and  sorrowful  eyes, 
told  the  story  that  they  too  wuz  on  the  watch  and  would 
always  be.  But  never  did  we  catch  a  glimpse  of  her !  never, 
never. 

As  we  drew  nigh  to  the  city  of  Victoria  on  Hongkong 
island  we  see  that  it  wuz  a  beautiful  place.  Big  handsome 
houses  built  of  gray  stun,  broad  roads  tree-bordered,  leadin' 
up  from  terrace  to  terrace,  all  full  of  trees,  covered  with  luxu 
riant  tropical  foliage.  It  wuz  a  fair  seen  clear  from  the  wa 
ter's  edge,  with  its  tall  handsome  houses  risin'  right  up  from 
the  edge  of  the  bay,  clear  up  to  the  top  of  Victoria  mountain, 
that  stands  up  two  thousand  feet,  seemin'ly  lookin'  over  the 
city  to  see  what  it  is  about.  And  this  is  truth  and  not  clear 
simely,  for  the  Governor  General  and  Chief  Justice  have 
houses  up  there  which  they  call  bungalows,  and  of  course  they 
have  got  to  see  what  is  goin'  on.  The  hull  island  is  only 
nine  milds  long  and  three  wide.  And  here  we  wuz  ten  thou 
sand  milds  from  home.  Did  the  Hongkongers  ever  think 
on't,  that  they  wuz  ten  thousand  milds  from  Jonesville?  I 
hope  they  didn't,  it  would  make  'em  too  melancholy  and  de- 
prested. 

We  all  went  to  a  comfortable  tarven  nigh  by,  and  after 
partakin'  of  nourishin'  food,  though  kinder  queer,  and  a  good 
night's  rest,  we  felt  ready  to  look  round  and  see  what  we 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     165 

could.  Josiah  and  I,  with  little  Tommy,  wuz  the  first  ones 
up  in  the  mornin',  and  after  breakfast  we  sallied  out  into  the 
street.  Here  I  proposed  that  we  should  take  a  jinrikisha 
ride.  This  is  a  chair  some  like  a  big  willow  chair,  only  with 
a  long  pole  fastened  to  each  side  and  two  men  to  carry  you 
round.  Josiah  wuz  real  took  with  the  looks  on  'em,  and 
as  the  prize  wuz  low  we  got  into  the  chairs,  Tommy  settin' 
in  Josiah's  lap,  and  wuz  carried  for  quite  a  ways  through 
the  narrer  streets,  with  shops  juttin'  out  on  each  side,  makin' 
''em  still  narrerer. 

Josiah  gin  orders  that  I  overheard  to  "  go  at  a  pretty 
good  jog  past  the  stores  where  wimmen  buy  sooveneers,"  but 
I  presoomed  that  they  didn't  understand  a  word  he  said,  so 
it  didn't  do  any  hurt  and  I  laid  out  to  git  some  all  the  same. 
But  what  a  sight  them  streets  wuz;  they  wuz  about  twenty 
feet  wide,  and  smooth  and  clean,  but  considerable  steep.  To 
us  who  wuz  used  to  the  peaceful  deacons  of  Jonesville  and 
their  alpaca-clad  wives  and  the  neighbors,  who  usually  borry 
sleeve  and  skirt  and  coat  and  vest  patterns,  and  so  look  all 
pretty  much  alike,  what  a  sight  to  see  the  folks  we  did  in  go- 
in'  through  just  one  street.  Every  sort  of  dress  that  ever 
wuz  wore  we  see  there,  it  seemed  to  me — Europeans,  Turks, 
Mohomadeans,  Malays,  Japanese,  Javanese,  Hindoos,  Portu 
guese,  half  castes,  and  Chinese  coolies.  Josiah  still  called  'em 
"  coolers,"  because  they  wuz  dressed  kinder  cool,  but  carryin' 
baskets,  buckets,  sedans,  or  trottin'a  sort  of  a  slow  trot  hitched 
into  a  jinrikisha,  or  holdin'  it  on  each  side  with  their  hands, 
with  most  nothin'  on  and  two  pigtail  braids  hangin'  down 
their  backs,  and  such  a  jabberin'  in  language  strange  to  Jones 
ville  ears;  peddlers  yellin'  out  their  goods,  bells  ginglin', 
gongs,  fire-crackers,  and  all  sorts  of  work  goin'  on  right  there 
in  the  streets.  Strange  indeed  to  Jonesville  eyes !  Catch  our 
folks  takin'  their  work  outdoors ;  we  shouldn't  call  it  decent. 

We  went  to  the  Public  Gardens,  which  wuz  beautiful  with 
richly  colored  ornamental  shrubbery.  I  sez  to  Josiah : 

"  Did  I  ever  expect  to  see  allspice  trees?  " 


166     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

And  he  sez :  "  I  can't  bear  allspice  anyway." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  cinnamon  trees ;  who  ever  thought  of 
seein'  cinnamon  trees  ?  " 

An'  he  looked  at  'em  pretty  shrewd  and  sez :  "  When  I 
git  home  I  shan't  pay  no  forty  cents  a  pound  for  cinnamon. 
I  can  tell  'em  I've  seen  the  trees  and  I  know  it  ort  to  be 
cheaper."  Sez  he,  "  I  could  scrape  off  a  pound  or  two  with 
my  jack-knife  if  we  could  carry  it." 

But  I  hurried  him  on ;  I  wuzn't  goin'  to  lug  a  little  wad  of 
cinnamon  ten  thousand  milds,  even  if  he  got  it  honest.  Well, 
we  stayed  here  for  quite  a  spell,  seein'  all  the  beautiful  flowers, 
magnificent  orchids — that  would  bring  piles  of  money  to 
home,  jest  as  common  here  as  buttercups  and  daisies  in  Jones- 
ville,  and  other  beautiful  exotics,  that  we  treasure  so  as  house- 
plants,  growin'  out-doors  here  in  grand  luxuriance — palms, 
tree-ferns,  banian  trees,  everything  I  used  to  wonder  over  in 
my  old  gography  I  see  right  here  growin'  free.  Tommy  wuz 
delighted  with  the  strange,  beautiful  flowers,  so  unlike  any 
thing  he  had  ever  seen  before.  We  had  got  out  and  walked 
round  a  spell  here,  and  when  we  went  to  git  into  our  sedan 
chairs  agin,  I  wuz  a  little  behind  time,  and  Josiah  hollered  out 
to  me: 

"  Fey  tea,  Samantha !  " 

"  Tea?  "  sez  I.  "  I  hain't  got  any  tea  here."  And  I  sez 
with  dignity,  "  I  don't  know  what  you  mean." 

"  Fey  tea,"  he  sez  agin,  lookin'  clost  at  me. 

And  I  sez  agin  with  dignity,  "  I  don't  know  what  you 
mean."  And  he  sez  to  me :  "  I  am  talkin'  Chinese,  Saman 
tha;  that  means  'hurry  up.'  I  shall  use  that  in  Jonesville. 
When  you're  standin'  in  the  meetin'  house  door  talkin'  about 
bask  patterns  and  hired  girls  with  the  female  sisters,  and  I 
waitin'  in  the  democrat,  I  shall  holler  out,  '  Fie  tea,  Saman 
tha  ; '  it  will  be  very  stylish  and  uneek." 

I  didn't  argy  with  him,  but  got  in  well  as  I  could,  but 
havin'  stepped  on  my  dress  and  most  tore  it,  Josiah  hollered 
out,  "  See  sum !  see  sum !  Samantha !  " 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     167 

And  I,  forgittin'  his  fashionable  aims,  sez  to  him,  "  See 
some  what,  Josiah?" 

"  See  sum,  Samantha.  That  means  '  be  careful.'  I  shall 
use  that  too  in  Jonesville.  How  genteel  that  will  make  me 
appear  to  holler  out  to  Brother  Gowdey  or  Uncle  Sime  Bent- 
ley,  in  a  muddy  or  slippery  time, '  See  sum,  Brother  Gowdey ; 
see  sum,  Uncle  Sime ! '  Such  doin's  will  make  me  sought 
after,  Samantha." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  we'd  better  be  gittin'  back  to  the  tarven, 
for  Arvilly  will  be  wonderin'  where  we  are  and  the  rest  on 
'em." 

"  Well,  just  as  you  say,  Samantha,"  and  he  leaned  back 
in  his  chair  and  waved  his  hand  and  says  to  the  men,  "  Fey 
tea,  fey  tea;  chop,  chop." 

I  expect  to  see  trouble  with  that  man  in  Jonesville  streets 
with  his  foreign  ways. 

Well,  we  wuz  passin'  through  one  of  the  narrer  streets, 
through  a  perfect  bedlam  of  strange  cries  in  every  strange 
language  under  the  sun,  so  it  seemed,  and  seem'  every 
strange  costoom  that  wuz  ever  wore,  when,  happy  sight  to 
Jonesville  eyes,  there  dawned  on  my  weary  vision  a  brown 
linen  skirt  and  bask,  made  from  my  own  pattern. 

Yes,  there  stood  Arvilly  conversin'  with  a  stately  Sikh 
policeman.  She  held  up  the  "  Twin  Crimes  "  in  a  allurin' 
way  and  wuz  evidently  rehearsin'  its  noble  qualities.  But 
as  he  didn't  seem  to  understand  a  word  she  said  she  didn't 
make  a  sale.  But  she  wuz  lookin'  round  undanted  for  an 
other  subscriber  when  she  ketched  sight  of  us.  And  at  my 
request  we  dismissed  the  jinrikishas  and  walked  back  to  the 
tarven  with  her. 

Dorothy  and  Miss  Meechim  and  Robert  Strong  come 
back  pretty  soon  from  a  tower  of  sight-seein',  and  they  said 
we'd  all  been  invited  to  tiffen  with  the  Governor-General 
the  next  day.  Well,  I  didn't  have  the  least  idee  what  it  wuz, 
but  I  made  up  my  mind  to  once  that  if  tiffenin'  wuz  any 
thing  relatin'  to  gamblin'  or  the  opium  trade,  I  shouldn't 


168     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO SI AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

have  a  thing  to  do  with  it.  But  Josiah  spoke  right  up  and 
sez  he  had  rather  see  tiffen  than  anybody  else  in  China,  and 
mistrustin'  from  Robert's  looks  that  he  had  made  a  mistake, 
he  hastened  to  add  that  tiffenin'  wuz  sunthin'  he  had  always 
hankered  after;  he  had  always  wanted  to  tiffen,  but  hadn't 
the  means  in  Jonesville. 

Sez  Robert,  "  Then  I  shall  accept  this  invitation  for  break 
fast  for  all  our  party."  And  after  they  went  out  I  sez :  "  I'd 
hold  myself  a  little  back,  Josiah.  To  say  that  you'd  never 
had  means  to  take  breakfast  in  Jonesville  shows  ignorance 
and  casts  a  slur  on  me." 

"  Oh,  I  meant  I  never  had  any  tiffen  with  it,  Samantha ; 
you'll  see  it  don't  mean  plain  breakfast ;  you'll  see  that  they'll 
pass  some  tiffen,  and  we  shall  have  to  eat  it  no  matter  what 
it's  made  on,  rats  or  mice  or  anything.  Whoever  heard  of 
common  breakfast  at  twelve  M.?  " 

Well,  it  did  mean  just  breakfast,  and  we  had  a  real  good 
time.  We  went  up  in  sedan  chairs,  though  we  might  have 
gone  on  the  cars.  But  we  wanted  to  go  slower  to  enjoy  the 
scenery. 

I  had  thought  the  view  from  the  hill  back  of  Grout 
Nickleson's  wuz  beautiful,  and  also  the  Pali  at  Honolulu,  but 
it  did  seem  to  me  that  the  seen  we  looked  down  on  from 
the  top  of  Victoria  mountain  wuz  the  most  beautiful  I  ever 
did  see.  The  city  lay  at  our  feet  embowered  in  tropical 
foliage,  with  its  handsome  uneek  buildin's,  its  narrer  windin' 
streets  stretchin'  fur  up  the  mountain  side,  runnin'  into  nar- 
rerer  mountain  paths  covered  with  white  sand.  The  beautiful 
houses  and  gardens  of  the  English  colony  clost  down  to  the 
shore.  The  tall  masts  of  the  vessels  in  the  harbor  looking 
like  a  water  forest  with  flowers  of  gayly  colored  flags.  And 
further  off  the  Canton  or  Pearl  River,  with  scores  of  villages 
dotting  its  banks ;  glittering  white  temples,  with  their  pinna 
cles  gistening  in  the  sunlight;  pagodas,  gayly  painted  with 
gilded  bells,  rising  up  from  the  beautiful  tropical  foliage; 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     169 

broad  green  fields;  mountains  soarin'  up  towards  the  blue 
heavens  and  the  blue  waters  of  the  sea. 

A  fair  seen,  a  fair  seen !  I  wished  that  sister  Henzy  could 
see  it,  and  told  Josiah  so. 

And  he  sez  with  a  satisfied  look,  "  Wait  till  I  describe  it 
to  'em,  Samantha.  They'd  ruther  have  me  describe  it  to  'em 
than  see  it  themselves."  I  doubted  it  some,  but  didn't  con 
tend. 

The  breakfast  wuz  a  good  one,  though  I  should  have 
called  it  dinner  to  home.  Josiah  wuz  on  the  lookout,  I  could 
see,  for  tiffen  to  be  passed,  but  it  wuzn't,  so  he  ort  to  give  up, 
but  wouldn't ;  but  ar^yed  with  me  out  to  one  side  that  "  they 
wuz  out  of  tiffen,  and  hadn't  time  to  buy  any  and  couldn't 
borry." 

Well,  the  Governor-General  seemed  to  be  greatly  taken 
with  Dorothy.  A  relation  on  his  own  side  wuz  the  hostess, 
and  Miss  Meechim  acted  real  relieved  when  it  turned  out 
that  he  had  a  wife  who  wuz  visiting  in  England. 

I  sot  at  the  right  hand  of  the  Governor-General  and  I 
wanted  to  talk  to  him  on  the  opium  question  and  try  to  git 
him  to  give  up  the  trade,  but  concluded  that  I  wouldn't 
tackle  him  at  his  own  table.  But  I  kep'  up  a  stiddy  thinkin'. 

That  very  mornin'  I  read  in  the  daily  paper  that  two 
missionaries  had  arrived  there  the  day  before,  and  on  the 
same  steamer  three  hundred  chests  of  opium. 

Poor  creeters!  didn't  it  seem  mockin'  the  name  of  re 
ligion  to  help  convert  the  natives  and  on  the  same  steamer 
send  three  hundred  chests  of  the  drug  to  ondo  their  work 
and  make  idiots  and  fiends  of  'em. 

It  seemed  to  me  some  as  if  I  should  read  in  the  Jones- 
ville  "  Augur  "  or  "  Gimlet "  that  our  govermunt  had  sent 
out  three  or  four  fat  lambs  to  help  the  starvin'  poor  and 
sent  'em  in  the  care  of  thirty  or  forty  tigers  and  wild  cats. 

No  doubt  the  lambs  would  git  there,  but  they  would  be 
inside  the  wild  cats  and  tigers. 

Such  wicked  and  foolish  and  inconsistent  laws  if  made  by 


170     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

women  would  make  talk  amongst  the  male  sect,  and  I 
wouldn't  blame  'em  a  mite;  I  should  jine  with  'em  and  say, 
"  Sure  enough  it  is  a  proof  that  wimmen  don't  know  enough 
to  vote  and  hain't  good  enough;  let  'em  drop  the  political 
pole,  retire  into  the  background  and  study  statesmanship 
and  the  Bible,  specially  the  golden  rule."  But  to  resoom. 

Arvilly  tried  to  turn  the  conversation  on  the  "  Twin 
Crimes  "  of  America,  but  didn't  come  right  out  and  canvass 
him,  for  which  I  wuz  thankful.  They  all  paid  lots  of  atten 
tion  to  Tommy,  who  had  a  great  time,  and  I  spoze  Carabi 
did  too. 

We  had  fruits  and  vegetables  at  the  table,  all  gathered 
from  the  Governor-General's  garden — fresh  fruit  and  vegeta 
bles  in  February,  good  land !  Pickin'  berries  and  pineapples 
while  the  Jonesvillians'  fruit  wuz  snowballs  and  icesuckles ; 
jest  think  on't ! 

Well,  Robert  Strong  thought  we  had  better  proceed  on 
to  Canton  the  next  day  and  we  wuz  all  agreeable  to  it. 

After  we  all  went  back  to  the  tarven  and  I  had  laid  down 
a  spell  and  rested,  I  went  out  with  Arvilly  and  Tommy  for 
a  little  walk,  Miss  Meechim,  and  Dorothy,  and  Robert  Strong 
havin'  gone  over  to  Maceo,  the  old  Portuguese  town  on  the 
mainland.  They  wanted  to  see  the  place  where  Camoens 
wrote  his  great  poem,  "  The  Lusiad,"  and  where  he  writ 
them  heart-breakin'  poems  to  Catarina.  Poor  creeters !  they 
had  to  be  separated.  King  John  sent  him  off  from  Lisbon, 
wantin'  the  girl  himself,  so  I  spoze.  Catarina  died  soon  of 
a  broken  heart,  but  Camoens  lived  on  for  thirty  years  in 
the  body,  and  is  livin'  now  and  will  live  on  in  the  Real  Life 
fer  quite  a  spell. 

Yes,  his  memory  is  jest  as  fresh  now  as  it  ever  wuz  in 
them  streets  he  wandered  in  durin'  his  sad  exile,  while  the 
solid  stun  his  feet  trod  on  has  mouldered  and  gone  to  pieces, 
which  shows  how  much  more  real  the  onseen  is  than  the 
seen,  and  how  much  more  indestructible.  Iron  pillars  and 
granite  columns  aginst  which  his  weary  head  had  leaned  oft- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     171 

times  had  all  mouldered  and  decayed.  But  the  onseen 
visions  that  Camoens  see  with  his  rapt  poet's  eye  wuz  jest 
as  fresh  and  deathless  as  when  he  first  writ  'em  down.  And 
his  memory  hanted  the  old  streets,  and  went  before  'em  and 
over  'em.  How  much  more  real  than  the  tropical  birds 
that  wheeled  and  glittered  in  the  luxuriant  tropical  foliage, 
though  they  couldn't  lay  hands  on  'em  and  ketch  'em  and 
bring  a  few  to  me,  much  as  I  would  liked  to  have  had  'em. 
But  these  bein'  the  real,  as  I  say,  they  wuz  also  with  me 
way  over  in  Hongkong.  I  thought  a  sight  on  him  all  the 
time  they  wuz  gone,  and  afterwards  I  thought  of  the  honor 
and  dignity  his  noble  verse  had  gin  to  his  country,  and  how 
princely  the  income  they  had  gin  him  after  they  let  him  re 
turn  from  his  exile.  Twenty-one  dollars  a  year!  What  a 
premium  that  wuz  upon  poesy;  the  Muse  must  have  felt 
giddy  to  think  she  wuz  prized  so  high,  and  his  native  land 
repented  of  the  generosity  afterwards  and  stopped  the 
twenty-one  dollars  a  year. 

But  then  after  his  starved  and  strugglin'  life  wuz  ended 
his  country  acted  in  the  usual  way,  erected  monuments  in 
his  honor,  and  struck  off  medals  bearin'  his  liniment.  The 
worth  of  one  medal  or  one  little  ornament  on  the  peak  of 
one  of  his  statutes  might  have  comforted  the  broken  heart 
and  kep'  alive  the  starved  body  and  gin  him  some  comfort. 
But  that  hain't  the  way  of  the  world;  the  world  has  always 
considered  it  genteel  and  fashionable  to  starve  its  poets, 
and  stun  its  prophets,  with  different  kinds  of  stuns,  but  all 
on  'em  hard  ones;  not  that  it  has  done  so  in  every  case,  but 
it  has  always  been  the  fashionable  way. 

Dorothy  and  Robert  talked  quite  a  good  deal  about  the 
sad  poet  and  his  works,  their  young  hearts  feelin'  for  his 
woe;  mebby  sunthin'  in  their  own  hearts  translatin'  the 
mournful  history ;  you  know  plates  have  to  be  fixed  jest  right 
or  the  colors  won't  strike  in.  It  is  jest  so  in  life.  Hearts 
must  be  ready  to  photograph  the  seens  on,  or  they  won't 
be  took.  Some  hearts  and  souls  are  blank  plates  and  will 


172     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

always  remain  so.  Arvilly  seemed  lost  in  thought  as  they 
talked  about  the  poet  (she  hain't  so  well  versed  in  poetry  as 
she  is  in  the  license  laws  and  the  disabilities  of  wimmen),  and 
when  she  hearn  Robert  Strong  say,  "  Camoens  will  live  for 
ever,"  she  sez  dreamily : 

"  I  wonder  if  he'd  want  to  subscribe  for  the  'Twin 
Crimes  '  ?  "  And  sez  she,  "  I  am  sorry  I  didn't  go  over  with 
you  and  canvass  him."  Poor  thing!  she  little  knew  he  had 
got  beyend  canvassin'  and  all  other  cares  and  troubles  of 
life  two  hundred  years  ago.  But  Miss  Meechim  wuz  dret- 
ful  worked  up  about  the  gambling  going  on  at  Maceo,  and 
she  sez  it  is  as  bad  as  at  Monte  Carlo.  (I  didn't  know  who  he 
wuz,  but  spozed  that  he  wuz  a  real  out  and  out  gambler  and 
blackleg).  And  sez  she,  "  Oh,  how  bad  it  makes  me  feel  to 
see  such  wickedness  carried  on.  How  it  makes  my  heart 
yearn  for  my  own  dear  America !  "  Miss  Meechim  is  good 
in  some  things ;  she  is  as  loyal  to  her  own  country  as  a  dog 
to  a  root,  but  Arvilly  sez : 

"  I  guess  we  Americans  hadn't  better  find  too  much  fault 
with  foreign  natives  about  gambling,  when  we  think  of  our 
stock  exchanges,  huge  gamblin'  houses  where  millions  are 
gambled  for  daily;  thousands  of  bushels  of  wheat  put  up 
there  that  never  wuz  growed  only  in  the  minds  of  the  gam 
blers.  Why,"  sez  Arvilly,  warmin'  up  with  her  subject,  "  we 
are  a  nation  of  gamblers  from  Wall  Street,  where  gamblin' 
is  done  in  the  name  of  greed,  down  to  meetin'  houses,  where 
bed-quilts  and  tidies  are  gambled  for  in  the  name  of  religion. 
From  millionaires  who  play  the  game  for  fortunes  down  to 
poor  backwoodsmen  who  raffle  for  turkeys  and  hens,  and 
children  who  toss  pennies  for  marbles." 

Sez  Miss  Meechim,  "  I  guess  I  will  take  a  little  quinine 
and  lay  down  a  spell."  Arvilly  tosted  her  head  quite  a  little 
after  she  retired  and  then  she  went  out  to  canvass  a  clerk 
in  the  office.  Arvilly  is  dantless  in  carriage,  but  she  is  too 
hash.  I  feel  bad  about  it. 


CHAPTER  XV 

RVILLY  and  I  went  out  for  a  walk,  takin' 
Tommy  with  us.  We  thought  we  would  buy 
some  sooveneers  of  the  place.  Sez  Arvilly, 
"  I  want  to  prove  to  the  Jonesvillians  that  I've 
been  to  China,  and  I  want  to  buy  some  little 
presents  for  Waitstill  Webb,  that  I  can  send  her  in  a  letter." 

And  I  thought  I  would  buy  some  little  things  for  the 
children,  mebby  a  ivory  croshay  hook  for  Tirzah  Ann  and  a 
paper  cutter  for  Thomas  J.,  and  sunthin'  else  for  Maggie 
and  Whitfield.  It  beats  all  what  exquisite  ivory  things  we 
did  see,  and  in  silver,  gold,  shell,  horn  and  bamboo,  every 
article  you  can  think  on  and  lots  you  never  did  think  on, 
all  wrought  in  the  finest  carvin'  and  filigree  work.  Embroid 
eries  in  silk  and  satin  and  cloth  of  gold  and  silver,  every  beau 
tiful  thing  that  wuz  ever  made  you'd  see  in  these  shops. 

I  wuz  jest  hesitatin'  between  a  ivory  bodkin  with  a  but 
terfly  head  and  a  ivory  hook  with  a  posy  on  the  handle,  when 
I  hearn  the  voice  of  my  pardner,  seemin'ly  makin'  a  trade 
with  somebody,  and  I  turned  a  little  corner  and  there  I  see 
him  stand  tryin'  to  beat  down  a  man  from  Tibet,  or  so  a 
bystander  told  me  he  wuz,  a  queer  lookin'  creeter,  but  he 
understood  a  few  English  words,  and  Josiah  wuz  buyin'  sun- 
thin'  as  I  could  see,  but  looked  dretful  meachin  and  tried  to 
conceal  his  purchase  as  he  ketched  my  eye.  I  see  he  wuz 
doin'  sunthin'  he  ort  not  to  do,  meachinness  and  guilt  wuz 
writ  down  on  his  liniment.  But  my  axent  and  mean  wuz 
such  that  he  produced  the  object  and  tried  hard  to  explain 
and  apologize. 

It  wuz  a  little  prayer-wheel  designed  for  written  prayers 
to  be  put  in  and  turned  with  a  crank,  or  it  could  be  hitched 


174     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

to  water  power  or  a  wind-mill  or  anything,  and  the  owner 
could  truly  pray  without  ceasing.  Oh  how  I  felt  as  he  ex 
plained  !  I  felt  that  indeed  the  last  straw  wuz  bein'  packed 
onto  my  back,  but  Josiah  kep'  on  with  his  apoligizin'. 

"You  needn't  look  like  that,  Samantha;  I  can  tell  you 
I  hain't  gin  up  religion  or  thought  on't.  I  want  you  to  know 
that  I  am  still  a  strong,  active  member  of  the  M.  E.  meetin' 
house,  but  at  the  same  time,"  sez  he,  "  if  I — if  there — spoze- 
in'  there  wuz,  as  it  were,  some  modifications  and  conveni 
ences  that  would  help  a  Christian  perfessor  along,  I  don't 
know  as  I  would  be  to  blame  to  avail  myself  of  'em." 

Sez  I,  "  If  you're  guiltless  what  makes  you  look  so 
meachin  ?  " 

"Well,  I  most  knew  you  wouldn't  approve  on  it,  but," 
sez  he,  "  I  can  tell  you  in  a  few  short  words  what  it  will  do. 
You  can  write  your  prayers  all  out  when  you  have  time  and 
put  'em  into  this  wheel  and  turn  it,  or  you  can  have  it  go  by 
water,  you  can  hitch  it  to  the  windmill  and  have  it  a-prayin' 
while  you  water  the  cattle  in  the  mornin',  and  I  thought, 
Samantha,  that  in  hayin'  time  or  harvestin'  when  I  am  as 
busy  as  the  old  Harry  I  could  use  it  that  way,  or  I  could  be 
a  turnin'  it  on  my  way  to  the  barn  to  do  the  chores,  or  I 
could  hitch  it  onto  the  grin'stone  and  Ury  and  I  could  pray 
for  the  whole  family  whilst  we  wuz  whettin'  the  scythes." 

"  Not  for  me,"  sez  I,  groanin'  aloud,  "  not  for  me." 

"  You  needn't  look  like  that,  Samantha ;  I  tell  you  agin 
I  wuzn't  goin'  to  use  it  only  when  I  wuz  driv  to  death  with 
work.  And  I  tell  you  it  would  be  handy  for  you  when  you 
expected  a  houseful  of  company,  and  Philury  wuz  away." 

"  No,  indeed ! "  sez  I ;  "no  such  wicked,  wicked  work 
will  be  connected  with  my  prayers." 

"  Well,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  I  d'no  as  it  would  be  much  wick 
eder  than  some  prayers  I've  hearn  when  folks  wuz  in  a 
hurry;  they  would  run  their  thanksgivin's  into  their  peti 
tions  and  them  into  their  amens,  and  gallop  through  'em 
so  there  wuzn't  a  mite  of  sense  in  'em.  Or  take  so  much 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     175 

pains  to  inform  the  Lord  about  things.  I  hearn  one  man 
say,"  sez  Arvilly : 

"  'O  Lord,  thou  knowest  by  the  morning  papers,  so  and 
so.'  I  d'no  as  a  prayer  turned  off  by  a  wheel  would  look 
much  worse  or  be  much  less  acceptable." 

Josiah  looked  encouraged,  and  sez  he  to  me,  soty  vosey, 
"  Arvilly  always  did  have  good  horse  sense." 

Sez  I,  "  They  wuzn't  run  by  machinery — wicked,  wicked 
way.  A  boughten  machine !  "  sez  I,  shettin'  up  my  eyes  and 
groanin'  agin. 

"  No,"  sez  Josiah  eagerly,  "  I  wuz  agoin'  to  tell  you; 
I've  got  a  wheel  to  home  and  a  cylinder  that  come  offen 
that  old  furnace  regulator  that  didn't  work,  and  I  thought 
that  with  a  little  of  Ury's  help  I  could  fix  one  up  jest  as 
good  as  this,  and  I  could  sell  this  for  twice  what  I  gin  for 
it  to  Deacon  Henzy  or  old  Shelmadine,  or  rent  it  through 
hayin'  and  harvestin'  to  the  brethren,  or " 

Sez  I,  "  You  would  disseminate  these  wicked  practices, 
would  you,  in  dear  Christian  Jonesville?  No,  indeed." 

"  I  tell  you  agin  I  wuzn't  a-goin'  to  use  it  only  in  the 
most  hurryin'  times — I " 

But  I  sez,  "  I  will  hear  no  more;  give  it  back  to  the  man 
and  come  with  your  pardner !  " 

And  I  linked  my  arm  in  hisen  and  motioned  to  the  man 
to  move  off  with  his  wheels.  And  my  looks  wuz  that  dig 
nified  and  lofty  that  I  spoze  it  skairt  him  and  he  started  off 
almost  immegiately  and  to  once. 

And  I  hain't  hern  no  more  about  it,  but  don't  know  how 
much  more  trouble  I  may  have  with  it.  No  knowin'  what 
that  man  may  take  it  into  his  head  to  do  in  Jonesville  or 
China.  But  prayer-wheels!  little  did  I  think  when  I  stood 
at  the  altar  with  Josiah  Allen  that  I  should  have  to  dicker 
with  them. 

It  only  took  six  hours  to  sail  from  Hongkong  up  to  Can 
ton.  The  scenery  along  the  Pearl  River  is  not  very  inter 
esting  except  the  rice  fields,  banana  groves  with  pagodas 


176     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

risin'  amongst  'em  anon  or  oftener,  and  the  strange  tropical 
foliage,  cactuses  that  we  raise  in  little  jars  riz  up  here  like 
trees. 

The  native  villages  along  the  ruther  flat  shore  looked 
kinder  dilapidated  and  run  down,  but  yet  they  looked  so 
different  from  Jonesville  houses  that  they  wuz  interestin' 
in  a  way.  The  forts  that  we  passed  occasionally  looked  as 
if  they  would  stand  quite  a  strain.  But  the  queerest  sight 
wuz  the  floatin'  houses  that  we  had  to  sail  through  to  land. 
Two  hundred  thousand  folks  live  on  them  boats,  are  born  on 
'em,  grow  up,  marry,  raise  a  family  and  die,  all  right  there 
on  the  water,  just  as  other  folks  live  on  the  land. 

If  a  young  man  courts  a  girl  he  takes  her  and  her  setting 
out,  which  is  mebby  a  extra  night  gown,  or  I  don't  know 
what  they  do  call  'em — their  dresses  look  like  night  gowns. 
Well,  she  will  take  that  and  a  rice  kettle  and  go  into  his 
junk  and  mebby  never  leave  it  through  her  life  only  to  visit 
her  friends.  The  children  swarmed  on  them  boats  like  ants 
on  a  ant-hill,  and  they  say  that  if  they  git  too  thick  they 
kinder  let  'em  fall  overboard,  not  push  'em  off,  but  kinder 
let  'em  go  accidental  like,  specially  girls,  they  kinder  en 
courage  girls  fallin'  off.  And  the  Chinese  think  that  it  is 
wrong  to  save  life.  If  any  one  is  drownin',  for  instance,  they 
think  that  it  is  the  will  of  the  higher  Power  and  let  'em  go. 
But  they  look  down  on  girls  dretfully.  If  you  ask  a  China 
man  how  many  children  he  has  got  he  will  say  "  Two  chil 
dren  and  two  piecee  girl."  Jest  as  if  boys  was  only  worthy 
to  be  called  children,  and  girls  a  piece  of  a  child.  Miss  Mee- 
chim  wuz  indignant  when  that  way  of  theirs  wuz  mentioned; 
she  considers  herself  as  good  if  not  better  than  one  man  and 
a  half.  Sez  she :  "  The  idee  of  calling  a  boy  a  child,  and  a 
girl  a  piece  of  a  child,  or  words  that  mean  that." 

But  Arvilly  sez,  "  Well,  how  much  better  is  it  in  the 
United  States — or  most  of  'em?  Girls  don't  even  have  the 
comfort  of  thinkin'  that  they're  a  piece  of  a  person;  they're 
just  nothin'  at  all  in  the  eyes  of  the  law — unless  the  law 


AROUND  TEE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     177 

wants  to  tax  'em  to  raise  money."  Sez  she,  "  I  would  be 
thankful  'lection  day  if  I  wuz  a  piece  of  a  woman,  so  that 
five  or  six  of  us  would  make  a  hull  citizen."  Miss  Meechim 
had  never  thought  on't  before,  she  said  she  hadn't,  but  no 
body  could  git  her  to  say  a  word  aginst  American  customs 
no  more  than  they  could  aginst  herself.  She  thinks  that  she 
and  America  are  perfect,  but  puts  herself  first.  Well,  Amer 
ica  is  the  best  land  under  the  sun ;  I've  always  said  so.  But 
I  feel  towards  it  as  I  do  towards  Josiah :  what  faults  it  has  I. 
want  to  talk  it  out  of,  so  that  it  will  stand  up  perfect  among 
nations  as  Josiah  could  amongst  men  if  he  would  hear  to 
me.  Arvilly  likes  to  stir  Miss  Meechim  up;  I  believe  she  sez 
things  a  purpose  sometimes  to  set  Miss  Meechim  off;  but 
then  Arvilly  talks  from  principle,  too,  and  she  is  real  cute. 

There  wuz  all  sorts  of  boats,  theatre  junks  and  concert 
junks  and  plain  junks,  and  Josiah  wuz  dretful  took  with  this 
floatin'  city,  and  sez  to  once  that  he  should  build  a  house 
boat  as  soon  as  he  got  home — he  and  Ury.  He  said  that 
he  could  use  the  old  hay-rack  to  start  it — that  and  the  old 
corn-house  would  most  make  it. 

"  Where  will  you  put  it?  "  sez  I. 

"  Oh,  on  the  creek  or  the  canal,"  sez  he.  "  It  will  be  so 
uneek  for  us  to  dwell  when  we  want  to,  on  the  briny  deep." 

"  I  guess  there  hain't  much  brine  in  the  creek  or  the 
canal,"  Josiah. 

"  Well,  I  said  that  for  poetical  purposes.  But  you  know 
that  it  would  be  very  stylish  to  live  in  a  boat,  and  any  time 
we  wanted  to,  when  onexpected  company  wuz  comin',  or  the 
tax  collector  or  book  agent,  jest  hist  the  sail  and  move  off, 
it  would  be  dretful  handy  as  well  as  stylish." 

"Well,  well,"  sez  I,  "you  can't  build  it  till  you  git 
home."  I  felt  that  he  would  forgit  it  before  then.  Arvilly 
looked  thoughtfully  at  'em  and  wondered  how  she  wuz  goin' 
to  canvass  'em,  and  if  they  would  do  as  Josiah  intimated  if 
they  see  her  comin'.  Miss  Meechim  wondered  if  they  could 

12 


178     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

git  to  meetin'  in  time,  they  seemed  to  move  so  slow,  and 
Robert  Strong  said  to  Dorothy: 

"  Well,  a  poor  man  can  feel  tha.t  he  owns  the  site  his 
home  stands  on,  as  well  as  the  rich  man  can,  and  that  would 
be  a  hopeless  attempt  for  him  in  our  large  American  cities, 
and  he  can't  be  turned  out  of  his  home  by  some  one  who 
claims  the  land." 

And  Tommy  wondered  how  the  little  boys  could  play 
ball,  and  if  they  didn't  want  to  slide  down  hill,  or  climb 
trees,  or  pick  berries,  and  so  on  and  so  on.  And  every  one 
on  us  see  what  wuz  for  us  to  see  in  the  movin'  panoramy. 

Canton  is  a  real  queer  city.  The  streets  are  so  narrer 
that  you  can  almost  reach  out  your  hands  and  touch  the 
houses  on  both  sides,  they  are  not  more  than  seven  or  eight 
feet  wide.  There  are  no  horses  in  Canton,  and  you  have  to 
git  about  on  "  shanks's  horses,"  as  Josiah  calls  it,  your  own 
limbs  you  know,  or  else  sedan  chairs,  and  the  streets  are  so 
narrer,  some  on  'em,  that  once  when  we  met  some  big 
Chinese  man,  a  Mandarin  I  believe  they  called  him,  we  had 
to  hurry  into  one  of  the  shops  till  he  got  by,  and  sometimes 
in  turnin'  a  corner  the  poles  of  our  chairs  had  to  be  run  way 
inside  of  the  shops,  and  Josiah  said: 

"  I  would  like  to  see  how  long  the  Jonesvillians  would 
stand  such  doin's;  I  would  like  to  see  old  Gowdey's  fills 
scrapin'  my  cook  stove,  it  is  shiftless  doin's,  and  ort  to  be 
stopped." 

But  I  knew  he  couldn't  make  no  change  and  I  hushed 
him  up  as  well  as  I  could.  Robert  Strong  got  quite  a  com 
fortable  tarven  for  us  to  stay  in.  But  I  wuz  so  afraid  all 
the  time  of  eatin'  rats  and  mice  that  I  couldn't  take  any 
comfort  in  meat  vittles.  They  do  eat  rats  there,  for  I  see 
'em  hangin'  in  the  markets  with  their  long  tails  curled  up, 
ready  to  bile  or  fry.  Josiah  said  he  wished  he  had  thought 
on't,  he  would  brung  out  a  lot  to  sell,  and  he  wuz  all  rousted 
up  to  try  to  make  a  bargain  to  supply  one  of  these  shops 
with  rats  and  mice.  Sez  he: 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     179 

"  It  will  be  clear  profit,  Samantha,  for  I  want  to  get  rid 
on  'em,  and  all  the  Jonesvillians  do,  and  if  I  can  sell  their  car 
casses  I  will  throw  in  the  hide  and  taller.  Why,  I  can  make 
a  corner  on  rats  and  mice  in  Jonesville;  I  can  git  'em  by  the 
wagon  load  of  the  farmers  and  git  pay  at  both  ends."  But 
I  told  him  that  the  freightage  would  eat  up  the  profits,  and 
he  see  it  would,  and  gin  up  the  idee  onwillin'ly. 

Though  I  don't  love  such  hot  stuff  as  we  had  to  eat, 
curry,  and  red  peppers,  and  chutney,  not  to  home  I  don't, 
but  I  see  it  wuz  better  to  eat  such  food  there  on  account  of 
the  climate.  Some  of  our  party  had  to  take  quinine,  too, 
for  the  stomach's  sake  to  keep  up,  for  you  feel  there  like 
faintin'  right  away,  the  climate  is  such. 

It  must  be  that  the  Chinese  like  amusements,  for  we  see 
sights  of  theatres  and  concert  rooms  and  lanterns  wuz  hang- 
in'  everywhere  and  bells.  And  there  wuz  streets  all  full  of 
silk  shops,  and  weavers,  and  jewelry,  and  cook  shops  right 
open  on  either  side.  All  the  colors  of  the  rainbow  and  more 
too  you  see  in  the  silks  and  embroideries,  and  jewelry  of  all 
kinds  and  swingin'  signs  and  mat  awnings  overhead,  and  the 
narrer  streets  full  of  strange  lookin'  folks,  in  their  strange 
lookin'  dresses. 

We  visited  a  joss  house,  and  a  Chinaman's  paradise 
where  opium  eaters  and  smokers  lay  in  bunks  lookin'  as 
silly  and  happy  as  if  they  wouldn't  ever  wake  up  agin  to 
their  tawdy  wretchedness.  We  visited  a  silk  manufactory, 
a  glass  blowing  shop.  We  see  a  white  marble  pagoda  with 
several  tiers  of  gilded  bells  hangin'  on  the  outside.  Inside  it 
wuz  beautifully  ornamented,  some  of  the  winders  wuz  made 
of  the  inside  of  oyster  shells ;  they  made  a  soft,  pleasant  light, 
and  it  had  a  number  of  idols  made  of  carved  ivory  and  some 
of  jade  stun,  and  the  principal  idol  wuz  a  large  gilded  dragon. 

Josiah  said  the  idee  of  worshippin'  such  a  looking  creeter 
as  that.  Sez  he,  "  I  should  ruther  worship  our  old  gan 
der."  And  Miss  Meechim  wuz  horrified,  too,  at  the  wick 
edness  of  the  Chinese  in  worshippin'  idols. 


180     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

But  Arvilly  walked  around  it  with  her  head  up,  and 
said  that  America  worshipped  an  idol  that  looked  enough 
sight  worse  than  that  and  a  million  times  worse  actin'.  Sez 
she,  "  This  idol  will  stay  where  it  is  put,  it  won't  rare  around 
and  murder  its  worshippers." 

And  Miss  Meechim  sez  coldly,  "  I  don't  know  what  you 
mean ;  I  know  that  I  am  an  Episcopalian  and  worship  as  our 
beautiful  creed  dictates." 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  Anybody  that  sets  expediency  before  prin 
ciple,  from  a  king  to  a  ragpicker;  any  one  who  cringes  to  a 
power  he  knows  is  vile  and  dangerous,  and  protects  and  ex 
tends  its  influence  from  greed  and  ambition,  such  a  one  wor 
ships  a  far  worse  idol  than  this  peaceable,  humbly-lookin'  crit 
ter  and  looks  worse  to  me  enough  sight." 

I  hearn  Miss  Meechim  say  out  to  one  side  to  Dorothy, 
"  How  sick  I  am  of  hearing  her  constant  talk  against  intem 
perance  ;  from  California  to  China  I  have  had  to  hear  it.  And 
you  know,  Dorothy,  that  folks  can  drink  genteel." 

But  Dorothy,  with  her  sweet  lips  trembling  and  her  white 
dimpled  chin  quivering,  sez,  "  I  should  think  we  had  suffered 
enough  from  the  Whiskey  Power,  Auntie,  to  hear  anything 
said  against  it,  and  at  any  time." 

And  Robert  Strong  jined  in  with  Dorothy,  and  so  Miss 
Meechim  subsided,  and  I  see  a  dark  shadder  creep  over  her 
face,  too,  and  tears  come  into  her  pale  blue  eyes.  She  hain't 
forgot  Aronette,  poor  little  victim!  Crunched  and  crushed 
under  the  wheels  of  the  monster  Juggernaut  America  rolls 
round  to  crush  its  people  under.  I  wuz  some  like  Arvilly. 
When  I  thought  of  that  I  didn't  feel  to  say  so  much  aginst 
them  foreign  idols,  though  they  wuz  humbly  lookin'  as  I  ever 
see.  And  speakin'  of  idols,  one  day  we  see  twelve  fat  hogs 
in  a  temple,  where  they  wuz  kept  as  sacred  animals,  and 
here  agin  Miss  Meechim  wuz  horrified  and  praised  up  Ameri 
can  doin's,  and  run  down  China,  and  agin  Arvilly  made  re 
marks.  Sez  she : 

"  The  hogs  there  wallowing  in  their  filth  are  poor  lookin' 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     181 

things  to  kneel  down  and  worship,  but  they're  shut  up  here 
with  priests  to  tend  to  'em ;  they  can't  git  out  to  roam  round 
and  entice  innocents  into  their  filthy  sties  and  perpetuate 
their  swinish  lives,  and  that  is  more  than  we  can  say  of  the 
American  beastly  idols,  or  our  priesthood  who  fatten  them 
and  themselves  and  then  let  'em  out  to  rampage  round  and 
act." 

Miss  Meechim  sithed  deep  and  remarked  to  me  "  that  the 
tariff  laws  wuz  a  absorbin'  topic  to  her  mind  at  that  time." 
She  did  it  to  change  the  subject. 

We  went  to  a  Chinese  crematory  and  the  Temple  of 
Longevity,  where  if  you  paid  enough  you  could  git  a  promise 
of  long  life.  Josiah  is  clost,  but  he  gin  quite  a  good  deal 
for  him,  and  wuz  told  that  he  would  live  to  be  one  hundred 
and  twenty-seven  years  of  age.  He  felt  well.  Of  course  we 
had  a  interpreter  with  is  who  talked  for  us.  Josiah  wanted 
me  to  pay,  too,  for  a  promise.  Sez  he  with  a  worried  look : 

"  I  shall  be  wretched  as  a  widower,  Samantha ;  do  patron 
ize  'em,  I  had  ruther  save  on  sunthin'  else  than  this." 

So  to  please  him  I  gin  'em  a  little  more  than  he  did, 
and  they  guaranteed  me  one  hundred  and  forty  years,  and 
then  Josiah  worried  agin  and  wanted  me  to  promise  not  to 
marry  agin  after  he  wuz  gone.  He  worships  me.  And  I 
told  him  that  if  I  lived  to  be  a  hundred  and  forty  I  guessed 
I  shouldn't  be  thinkin'  much  about  marryin',  and  he  looked 
easier  in  his  mind. 

One  day  we  met  a  weddin'  procession,  most  a  mild  long, 
I  should  say.  The  bride  wuz  ahead  in  her  sedan  chair,  her 
dress  wuz  richly  embroidered  and  spangled,  a  veil  fringed 
with  little  pearls  hung  over  her  face.  Pagodas  with  tinkling 
gilt  bells,  sedan  chairs  full  of  silk  and  cloth  and  goods  of  all 
kinds  wuz  carried  in  the  procession  by  coolies.  Idols  cov 
ered  with  jade  and  gilt  jewelry,  a  company  of  little  children 
beatin'  tom-toms  and  gongs,  and  the  stuffed  bodies  of  ani 
mals  all  ornamented  with  gilt  and  red  paper  figgers  wuz  car- 


182     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

ried,  and  at  the  tail  end  of  the  procession  come  the  friends 
of  the  family. 

The  bridegroom  wuzn't  there,  he  wuz  waitin'  to  hum  in 
his  own  or  his  father's  house  for  the  bride  he'd  never  seen. 
But  if  the  bride's  feet  wuz  not  too  large  he  would  most  likely 
be  suited. 

Miss  Meechim  said,  "  Poor  young  man !  to  have  to  take 
a  wife  he  has  never  seen;  how  widely  different  and  how  im 
measurably  better  are  such  things  carried  on  in  America." 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  What  bridegroom  ever  did  see  his  bride  as 
she  really  wuz?  Till  the  hard  experience  of  married  life 
brought  out  her  hidden  traits,  good  and  bad  ?  Or  what  wife 
ever  see  her  husband's  real  temper  and  character  until  after 
years  of  experience?  " 

Sez  I,  "  That's  so ;  leaves  are  turned  over  in  Josiah  Allen's 
mind  now  as  long  as  we've  been  pardners  that  has  readin' 
on  'em  as  strange  to  me  as  if  they  wuz  writ  in  Chinese  or 
Japan." 

But  then  it  must  be  admitted  that  not  to  see  your  wife's 
face  and  know  whether  she's  cross-eyed  or  snub-nosed  is 
tryin'.  But  they  say  it  is  accordin'  to  the  decree  of  Feng 
Shui,  and  therefore  they  accept  it  willingly.  They  have  a 
great  variety  of  good  fruit  in  Canton — some  that  I  never  see 
before — but  their  vegetables  don't  taste  so  good  as  ours, 
more  stringy  and  watery,  and  their  eggs  they  want  buried 
six  months  before  usin'  'em.  I  believe  that  sickened  me  of 
China  as  much  as  anything.  But  then  some  folks  at  home 
want  their  game  kep'  till  it  hain't  fit  to  eat  in  my  opinion. 
But  eggs !  they  should  be  like  Caesar's  wife,  above  suspicion — 
the  idee  of  eatin'  'em  with  their  shells  all  blue  and  spotted 
with  age — the  idee ! 


CHAPTER    XVI 


E  wuz  all  invited  one  day  to  dine  with  a  rich 
Chinaman  Robert  Strong  had  got  acquainted 
with  in  San  Francisco.  Arvilly  didn't  want 
to  go,  and  offered  to  keep  Tommy  with  her, 
and  the  rest  of  us  went.  The  house  wuz  sur 


rounded  with  a  high  wall,  and  we  entered  through  a  small 
door  in  this  wall,  and  went  into  a  large  hall  openin'  on  a 
courtyard.  The  host  met  us  and  we  set  down  on  a  raised 
seat  covered  with  red  cloth  under  some  big,  handsome  lan 
terns  that  wuz  hung  over  our  heads.  Servants  with  their 
hair  braided  down  their  backs  and  with  gay  dresses  on 
brought  in  tea — as  good  as  any  I  ever  drank — and  pipes. 
Josiah  whispered  to  me : 

"  How  be  I  agoin'  to  smoke  tobacco,  Samantha?  It 
will  make  me  sick  as  death.  You  know  I  never  smoked  any 
thing  but  a  little  catnip  and  mullen  for  tizik.  I  wonder  if  'he's 
got  any  catnip  by  him ;  I'm  goin'  to  ask." 

But  I  kep'  him  from  it,  and  told  him  that  we  could  just 
put  the  stems  in  our  mouths,  and  pretend  to  smoke  enough  to 
be  polite. 

"Hypocrasy,"  sez  Josiah,  "  don't  become  a  deacon  in  high 
standin'.  If  I  pretend  to  smoke  I  shall  smoke,  and  take  a 
good  pull."  And  he  leaned  back  and  shut  his  eyes  and  took 
his  pipe  in  his  hand,  and  I  guess  he  drawed  on  it  more  than 
he  meant  to,  for  he  looked  bad,  sickish  and  white  round  his 
mouth  as  anything.  But  we  all  walked  out  into  the  garden 
pretty  soon  and  he  looked  resuscitated. 

It  was  beautiful  there;  rare  flowers  and  exotics  of  all 
kinds,  trees  that  I  never  see  before  and  lots  that  I  had  seen, 
sparklin'  fountains  with  gold  fish,  grottos  all  lit  up  by  colored 


184     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

lanterns,  and  little  marble  tablets  with  wise  sayings.  Josiah 
said  he  believed  they  wuz  ducks'  tracks,  and  wondered  how 
ducks  ever  got  up  there  to  make  'em,  but  the  interpreter 
read  some  on  'em  to  us  and  they  sounded  first  rate.  Way 
up  on  a  artificial  rock,  higher  than  the  Jonesville  steeple,  wuz 
a  beautiful  pavilion  with  gorgeous  lanterns  in  it  and  beautiful 
bronzes  and  china. 

In  the  garden  wuz  growin'  trees,  trimmed  all  sorts  of 
shapes,  some  on  'em  wuz  shaped  like  bird  cages  and  birds 
wuz  singin'  inside  of  'em.  There  wuz  one  like  a  jinrikisha 
with  a  horse  attached,  all  growin',  and  one  like  a  boat,  and 
two  or  three  wuz  pagodas  with  gilt  bells  hangin'  to  'em,  an 
other  wuz  shaped  like  a  dragon,  and  some  like  fish  and  great 
birds.  It  wuz  a  sight  to  see  'em,  all  on  'em  a  growin',  and 
some  on  'em  hundreds  of  years  old.  Josiah  says  to  me : 

"  If  I  ever  live  to  git  home  I  will  surprise  Jonesville.  I 
will  have  our  maple  and  apple  trees  trimmed  in  this  way  if 
I  live.  How  uneek  it  will  be  to  see  the  old  snow  apple  tree 
turned  into  a  lumber  wagon,  and  the  pound  sweet  into  a  corn 
house,  and  the  maples  in  front  of  the  house  you  might  have 
a  couple  on  'em  turned  into  a  Goddess  of  Liberty  and  a  stat- 
ter  of  Justice,  you  are  such  a  hand  for  them  two  females," 
sez  he.  "  Of  course  we  should  have  to  use  cloth  for  Justice's 
eye  bandages,  and  her  steelyards  I  believe  Ury  and  I  could 
trim  out,  though  they  might  not  weigh  jest  right  to  the 
notch." 

And  I  sez,  "  Justice  has  been  used  to  that,  to  not  weighin' 
things  right,  it  wouldn't  surprise  her."  But  I  told  him  it 
would  be  sights  of  work  and  mebby  he'll  give  it  up. 

Soon  afterwards  we  wuz  all  invited  to  dinner  in  this  same 
house.  And  so  ignorant  are  the  Chinese  of  Jonesville  ways 
that  at  a  dinner  the  place  of  honor  is  at  the  left  instead  of 
the  right  of  the  host.  Everything  that  can  be  in  China  is 
topsy  tervy  and  different  from  us.  I  wuz  chose  for  that  hon 
orable  place  at  the  left  of  our  host.  We  all  stood  for  quite 
a  while,  for  it  is  China  table  etiquette  to  try  to  make  the  guest 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     185 

next  to  us  set  down  first,  but  finally  we  all  sot  down  similta- 
neous  and  at  the  same  time.  Josiah  thinks  that  it  is  because 
China  is  right  down  under  us  the  reason  that  she  gits  so 
turned  over  and  strange  actin',  but  'tennyrate,  endin'  our  din 
ner  as  we  do  with  sweets,  it  didn't  surprise  me  that  we  begun 
our  dinner  by  havin'  sweetmeats  passed,  each  one  helpin' 
ourselves  with  chop  sticks,  queer  things  to  handle  as  I  ever 
see,  some  like  the  little  sticks  I  have  seen  niggers  play  tunes 
with.  Josiah  seemed  to  enjoy  hisen  the  best  that  ever  wuz, 
and  to  my  horrow  he  took  both  on  'em  in  his  right  hand  and 
begun  to  play  Yankee  Doodle  on  'em. 

I  stepped  on  his  foot  hard  under  the  table,  and  he  broke 
off  with  a  low  groan,  but  I  spoze  they  would  lay  it  to  a  for 
eigner's  strange  ways.  After  the  sweetmeats  wuz  partook 
of  we  had  dried  melon  seeds,  the  host  handin'  'em  round  by 
the  handful.  Josiah  slipped  his  into  his  pocket.  I  wuz 
mortified  enough,  but  he  said: 

"  Of  course  he  wants  us  to  plant  'em ;  nobody  but  a  fool 
would  expect  us  to  eat  melon  seeds  or  horse  feed." 

I  wuz  glad  Josiah  didn't  speak  in  China,  I  guess  they 
didn't  understand  him.  A  rice-wine  wuz  passed  with  this, 
which  of  course  I  did  not  partake  of.  Much  as  I  wanted  to 
be  polite  I  could  not  let  this  chance  pass  of  holdin'  up  my  tem 
perance  banner.  I  had  seen  enough  trouble  caused  by  folks 
in  high  station  not  holdin'  up  temperance  principles  at  ban 
quets,  and  I  wuzn't  to  be  ketched  in  the  same  way,  so  I 
waived  it  off  with  a  noble  and  lofty  jester,  but  Miss  Meechim 
drinked  wine  every  time  it  wuz  passed,  and  she  got  real 
tonguey  before  we  went  home,  and  her  eyes  looked  real 
kinder  glassy — glassier  than  a  perfessor's  eyes  ort  to  look. 
Then  we  had  bird's-nest  soup,  which  is  one  of  the  most 
costly  luxuries  to  be  had  in  Canton.  They  are  found  on 
precipitous  rocks  overhanging  the  sea,  and  one  must  risk 
his  life  to  get  them.  It  didn't  taste  any  better  to  me  than  a 
chip.  It  seemed  to  be  cut  in  little  square  yeller  pieces,  kind 


of  clear  lookin',  some  like  preserved  citron  only  it  wuz  lighter 
colored,  and  Josiah  whispered  to  me : 

"  We  can  have  bird's-nest  soup  any  day  to  hum,  Saman- 
tha.  Jest  think  of  the  swaller's  nest  in  the  barn  and  robin's 
nest  and  crow's  nest,  why  one  crow's  nest  would  last  us  a 
week." 

"  It  would  last  a  lifetime,  Josiah,  if  I  had  to  cook  it ;  sticks 
and  straw." 

"  Well,  it  would  be  real  uneek  to  cook  one,  or  a  hornet's 
nest,  and  would  be  a  rarity  for  the  Jonesvillians,  and  in  the 
winter,  if  we  run  out  of  bird's-nest,  you  could  cook  a  hen's 
nest." 

But  I  sez,  "  Keep  still,  Josiah,  and  let's  see  what  we'll 
have  next." 

Well,  we  had  ham,  fish,  pigeon's  eggs  and  some  things 
I  didn't  know  the  name  of.  The  host  took  up  a  little  mess 
of  sunthin'  on  his  chop  stick  and  handed  it  to  me.  I  dassent 
refuse  it,  for  he  meant  it  as  a  honor,  but  I  most  know  it  wuz 
rat  meat,  but  couldn't  tell  for  certain.  I  put  my  shoulder 
blades  to  the  wheel  and  swallered  it,  but  it  went  down  hard. 

Bowls  of  rice  wuz  passed  round  last.  Between  the  courses 
we  had  the  best  tea  I  ever  tasted  of;  only  a  few  of  the  first 
leaves  that  open  on  the  tea  plant  are  used  for  this  kind  of 
tea,  and  a  big  field  would  be  gone  over  for  a  pound  of  it. 
After  it  is  cured  it  is  flavored  with  the  tea  blossom.  I  had 
spozed  I  had  made  good  tea  to  home  on  my  own  hot  water 
tank,  and  drinked  it,  but  I  gin  up  that  I  had  never  tasted 
tea  before. 

On  our  way  home  we  went  through  the  Street  of  Benevo 
lence  and  I  wuz  ashamed  to  run  Miss  Meechim  in  my  mind. 

They  name  their  streets  real  funny;  one  street  is  called 
Everlasting  Love,  or  it  means  that  in  our  language,  and 
there  is  Refreshing  Breezes,  Reposing  Dragons,  Honest 
Gain,  Thousand  Grandsons,  Heavenly  Happiness,  and  etc., 
etc. 

Josiah  said  that  he  should  see  Uncle  Sime  Bentley  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    187 

Deacon  Henzy  about  naming  over  the  Jonesville  streets  the 
minute  he  got  home.  Sez  he,  "  How  uneek  it  will  be  to  trot 
along  through  Josiah's  Never  Ending  Success,  or  Prosperous 
Interesting  Josiah,  or  the  Glorious  Pathmaster,  or  the  Di 
vine  Travellin'  Deacon,  or  sunthin'  else  uneek  and  well 
meanin'." 

Sez  I,  "  You  seem  to  want  to  name  'em  all  after  your 
self,  Josiah.  Uncle  Sime  and  Deacon  Henzy  would  probable 
want  one  or  two  named  after  them." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "we  could  name  one  Little  Uncle,  and 
one  Spindlin'  Deacon,  if  they  insisted  on't." 

Josiah  wuz  in  real  good  sperits,  I  laid  it  partly  to  the 
tea,  it  wuz  real  stimulating;  Josiah  said  that  it  beat  all  that 
the  Chinese  wuz  so  blinded  and  out  of  the  way  as  to  do  things 
so  different  from  what  they  did  in  Jonesville.  "  But,"  sez  he, 
"  they're  politer  on  the  outside  than  the  Jonesvillians,  even 
down  to  the  coolers." 

Sez  I,  "  Do  you  mean  the  coolies?  " 

"  Yes,  the  coolers,  the  hired  help,  you  know,"  sez  he. 
"  Catch  Ury  fixin'  his  eye  on  his  left  side  coat  collar  when 
he  speaks  to  me  not  dastin'  to  lift  it,  and  bowin'  and  scrapin' 
when  I  told  him  to  go  and  hitch  up,  or  bring  in  a  pail  of 
water,  and  catch  him  windin'  his  hair  in  a  wod  when  he  wuz 
out  by  himself  and  then  lettin'  it  down  his  back  when  he 
came  to  wait  on  me." 

Sez  I,  "  Ury's  hair  is  too  short  to  braid." 

"  Well,  you  can  spozen  the  case,  can't  you  ?  But  as  I  wuz 
sayin',  for  all  these  coolers  are  so  polite,  I  would  trust  Ury 
as  fur  agin  as  I  would  any  on  'em.  And  then  they  write  jest 
the  other  way  from  we  do  in  Jonesville,  begin  their  letters 
on  the  hind  side  and  write  towards  'em ;  and  so  with  planin' 
a  board,  draw  the  plane  towards  'em.  I  would  like  to  see 
Ury  try  that  on  any  of  my  lumber.  And  because  we  Jones 
villians  wear  black  to  funerals,  they  have  to  dress  in  white. 
How  would  I  looked  at  my  mother-in-law's  funeral  with  a 
white  night  gown  on  and  my  hair  braided  down  my  back 


188     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

with  a  white  ribbin  on  it?  It  would  have  took  away  all  the 
happiness  of  the  occasion  to  me. 

"  And  then  their  language,  Sarnantha,  it  is  fixed  in  such 
a  fool  way  that  when  they  want  a  word  different,  they  yell  up 
the  same  word  louder  and  that  makes  it  different,  as  if  I  wuz 
to  say  to  Ury  kinder  low  and  confidential,  *  I  shall  be  the 
next  president,  Ury;'  and  then  I  should  yell  up  the  same 
words  a  little  louder  and  that  would  mean,  '  Feed  the  brindle 
steer; '  there  hain't  no  sense  in  it.  But  I  spoze  one  thing  that 
ails  them  is  their  havin'  to  stand  bottom  side  up,  their  feet 
towards  Jonesville.  Their  blood  runs  the  wrong  way.  Mebby 
I  shouldn't  do  any  better  than  they  do  if  I  stood  so  the  hull 
of  the  time;  mebby  I  should  let  my  finger  nails  grow  out 
like  bird's  claws  and  shake  my  own  hands  when  I  meet 
company  instead  of  theirn.  Though,"  sez  Josiah,  dreamily, 
"  I  don't  know  but  I  shall  try  that  in  Jonesville ;  I  may  on 
my  return  from  my  travels  walk  up  to  Elder  Minkley  and 
the  bretheren  in  the  meetin'-house,  and  pass  the  compliments 
with  'em  and  clasp  my  own  hands  and  shake  'em  quite  a 
spell,  not  touchin'  their  hands.  I  may,  but  can't  tell  for  cer 
tain;  it  would  be  real  uneek  to  do  it." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  Josiah,  every  country  has  its  own  strange 
ways ;  we  have  ourn." 

Sez  he,  "  How  you  would  scold  me  if  I  wuz  to  wear  my 
hat  when  we  had  company,  and  here  it  is  manners  to  do  it, 
and  take  off  your  specs.  Why  should  I  take  off  my  specs  to 
meet  Elder  Minkley?" 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  there  hain't  anything  out  of  the  way  in 
it,  if  they  want  to." 

Sez  Josiah,  "  You  seem  to  take  to  China  ways  so,  you 
and  Arvilly,  that  I  spoze  mebby  you'll  begin  to  bandage  your 
feet  when  you  git  home,  and  toddle  round  on  your  big  toes." 

And  I  sez,  "  I  d'no  but  I'd  jest  as  soon  do  that  as  to  girt 
myself  down  with  cossets,  or  walk  round  with  a  trailin'  dress 
wipin'  up  all  the  filth  of  the  streets  to  carry  home  to  make 
my  family  sick." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     189 

But  it  is  a  awful  sight.  I  had  the  chance  right  there  in 
Canton  to  see  a  foot  all  bound  up  to  make  it  the  fashionable 
size. 

The  four  small  toes  wuz  twisted  right  under  the  ankle, 
and  the  broken,  crushed  bones  of  the  foot  pressed  right  up 
where  the  instep  should  be.  The  pain  must  have  been  sun- 
thin'  terrible,  and  very  often  a  toe  drops  off,  but  I  spoze  they 
are  glad  of  that,  for  it  would  make  the  little  lump  of  dead 
flesh  they  call  their  feet  smaller.  They  wear  bright  satin 
shoes,  all  embroidered  and  painted,  and  their  little  pantelettes 
cover  all  but  the  very  end  of  the  toe.  They  all,  men  and 
wimmen,  wear  a  loose  pair  of  trowsers  which  they  call  the 
foo,  and  a  kind  of  jacket  which  they  call  a  sham. 

"  A  fool  and  a  sham,"  Josiah  called  'em  all  the  time.  The 
wimmen  have  their  hair  all  stuck  up  with  some  kind  of  gum, 
making  it  as  good  as  a  bunnet,  but  I  would  fur  ruther  have 
the  bunnet.  Sometimes  they  wear  a  handkerchief  over  it. 
Wimmen  hain't  shut  up  here  as  they  are  in  Turkey,  but  no 
attention  is  paid  to  their  education  and  they  are  looked  down 
on.  Men  seem  to  be  willin'  to  have  wimmen  enjoy  what  re 
ligion  they  can,  such  as  they  have.  But  her  husband  won't 
let  her  set  to  the  table  with  him,  and  he  can  whip  her  to  death 
and  not  be  touched  for  it,  but  if  she  strikes  back  a  single  blow 
he  can  get  a  divorce  from  her. 

I  thought  wimmen  wuz  worse  off  here  than  they  wuz  in 
America,  but  Arvilly  argyed  that  our  govermunt  sold  stuff 
and  took  pay  for  it  that  made  men  beat  their  wives,  and  sold 
the  right  to  make  wicked  wimmen  and  keep  'em  so,  and  took 
wimmen's  tax  money  to  keep  up  such  laws.  And  she  went 
over  such  a  lot  of  unjust  laws  that  I  didn't  know  but  she  wuz 
right,  and  that  we  wuz  jest  about  as  bad  off  in  some  things. 
They  marry  dretful  young  in  China.  Little  babies  are  en 
gaged  to  be  married  right  whilst  they're  teethin',  but  they 
can't  marry  I  guess  till  they  are  ten  or  twelve  years  old. 

From  Canton  we  went  back  to  Hongkong,  intendin'  to  go 
from  there  to  Calcutta.  But  Dorothy  felt  that  she  must  see 


190     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Japan  while  she  wuz  so  near,  and  we  concluded  to  go,  though 
it  wuz  goin'  right  out  of  our  way  in  the  opposite  direction 
from  Jonesville.  But  when  Dorothy  expressed  a  wish  Rob 
ert  Strong  seemed  to  think  it  wuz  jest  as  bindin'  on  him  as 
the  law  of  the  Medes  and  Persians,  whatever  they  may  be, 
and  Miss  Meechim  felt  so  too,  so  though  as  I  say  it  wuz  some 
as  though  I  should  go  to  she  that  wuz  Submit  Tewksberrys 
round  by  the  widder  Slimpsey's  and  Brother  Henzy's.  We 
found  some  mail  here  to  the  tarven,  letters  from  the  dear 
children  and  our  help.  Thomas  J.  and  Maggie  wuz  gittin' 
better,  and  the  rest  well,  and  all  follerin'  our  journey  with 
fond  hearts  and  good  wishes.  Philury  and  Ury  writ  that 
everything  was  goin'  well  on  the  farm  and  the  Jonesvillians 
enjoyin'  good  health.  Arvilly  got  a  paper  from  Jonesville 
and  come  in  to  read  it  to  us.  It  had  been  a  long  time  on  the 
road.  It  said  that  a  new  bill  was  a-goin'  to  be  introduced  to 
allow  wimmen  to  vote,  but  she  didn't  seem  to  be  encouraged 
about  it  much.  Sez  she :  "  The  law  won't  do  anything  about 
that  as  long  as  it  is  so  busy  grantin'  licenses  to  kill  folks  via 
Saloon  and  other  houses  of  death  and  ruin  and  canals  and 
trusts  and  monopolies  to  protect  to  steal  the  people's  money." 

But  I  sez,  "  I  do  hope  the  bill  will  pass  for  the  sake  of 
Justice,  if  nothin'  else.  Justice,"  sez  I,  "  must  have  been  so 
shamed  to  see  such  things  goin'  on  that  she  wuz  glad  she 
wore  bandages  over  her  eyes;  and  her  hands  have  shook  so 
she  hain't  weighed  even  for  some  time ;  to  see  her  sect  taxed 
without  representation,  punished  and  hung  by  laws  she  has  no 
voice  in  makin'." 

Josiah  sez,  "  I  admit  that  that  is  ruther  hard,  Samantha, 
but  that  hain't  the  nick  on't.  The  pint  is  that  wimmen  hain't 
got  the  self-control  that  men  has.  The  govermunt  is  afraid 
of  her  emotional  nater;  she  gits  wrought  up  too  quick.  She 
is  good  as  gold,  almost  a  angel,  in  fact,  as  we  male  voters 
have  always  said.  But  she  is  too  hasty;  she  hain't  got  the 
perfect  calmness,  the  firm  onmovable  sense  of  right  and 
wrong,  the  patience  and  long  sufferin'  that  we  men  have; 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE    191 

she  flies  off  too  sudden  one  way  or  t'other;  govermunt  well 
fears  she  would  be  a  dangerous  element  in  the  body  poli 
tick." 

Jest  as  Josiah  finished  this  remark  Arvilly  read  out  a 
thrillin'  editorial  about  the  war  between  Russia  and  Japan; 
the  editor  commented  on  the  wickedness  of  men  plungin' 
two  great  empires  into  warfare,  slaughterin'  thousands  and 
thousands  of  men,  bringin'  ontold  wretchedness,  distress,  pes 
tilence  and  destitution  just  to  gratify  ambition  or  angry  pas 
sion.  For  it  wuz  this,  he  said,  in  the  first  place,  whatever 
it  became  afterward. 

A  war  of  defence,  of  course,  argued  an  aggressor,  and  he 
talked  eloquent  about  Courts  of  Arbitration  which  would  do 
away  with  the  wholesale  butchery  and  horror  of  war.  And 
he  called  eloquent  on  Peace  to  fly  down  on  her  white  wings 
bearing  the  olive  branch,  to  come  and  stop  this  unutterable 
woe  and  crime  of  war. 

(Arvilly  left  off  readin'  to  remind  Josiah  that  Peace  wuz 
always  depictered  as  a  female,  and  then  resoomed  her 
readin'.) 

In  conclusion,  the  editor  lamented  the  fact  that  in  the 
annals  of  our  nation  men  so  often  forgot  the  Golden  Rule 
and  gin  vent  to  voylent  passions  and  onbecomin'  behavior. 

Sez  Josiah,  "  I  guess  I  will  take  Tommy  and  go  out  for  a 
little  walk,  Samantha,  I  feel  kinder  mauger." 

"  I  should  think  you  would !  "  sez  Arvilly,  lookin'  hull 
reams  of  by-laws  and  statutes  at  him. 

And  I  sez,  "  Whilst  you're  walkin',  dear  Josiah,  you 
might  meditate  on  the  danger  to  the  govermunt  from  wim- 
men's  emotional  nature,  and  the  patience  and  long  sufferin' 
of  men  voters."  I  said  it  real  tender  and  good,  but  he 
snapped  me  up  real  snappish. 

Sez  he,  "  I  shall  meditate  on  what  I'm  a  minter.  Come, 
Tommy,"  and  they  went  out 


CHAPTER    XVII 

fND  the  next  day  we  started  for  Yokohama.  I 
had  felt  kinder  dubersome  about  goin'  through 
countries  that  wuz  plunged  in  a  great  war,  but 
we  got  along  all  right,  nobody  shot  at  us  or 
made  any  move  to,  and  we  didn't  see  anybody 
hurt.  But  knowed  that  the  warfare  wuz  ragin'  away  some 
where  out  of  our  sight. 

Death  wuz  marchin'  along  on  his  pale  horse  in  front  of 
the  army,  and  hearts  wuz  breakin'  and  the  light  of  the  sun 
and  of  life  darkened  in  thousands  and  thousands  of  grand 
and  humble  homes. 

I  felt  dretful  when  I  thought  on't,  but  hain't  goin'  to  har 
row  up  the  reader's  feelin's  talkin'  about  it,  knowin'  it  won't 
do  any  good,  and  anyway  they've  all  read  the  particulars  in 
the  daily  papers. 

Well,  we  reached  Yokohama  with  no  fatal  casualties  to 
report,  though  my  pardner  wuz  real  seasick,  but  brightened 
up  as  we  drew  nigh  to  shore.  Here  and  there  a  little  village 
with  quaint  houses  could  be  seen,  and  anon  a  temple  or  shrine 
riz  up  above  the  beautiful  tropical  foliage  and  further  off  the 
Fujiyama,  the  sacred  mountain,  riz  up  above  the  other  moun 
tains. 

We  come  into  the  harbor  about  half-past  three  and  arrove 
at  our  tarven  about  five.  When  we  drew  nigh  the  shore 
almost  naked  boatmen  come  out  to  meet  us  in  their  sam 
pans,  as  they  call  their  little  boats  (Josiah  called  'em  "  sass 
pans  "  right  to  their  face,  but  I  don't  spoze  they  understood 
it).  They  wuz  to  take  us  into  the  shore  and  they  wuz  yellin' 
to  each  other  fearful  as  they  pushed  their  boats  ahead.  Their 
toilettes  consisted  mostly  of  riggers  pricked  into  their  skins, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     193 

dragons  and  snakes  seemed  their  favorite  skin  ornaments, 
the  color  wuz  blue  mostly  with  some  red.  Josiah  sez  to  me 
as  we  looked  down  on  'em  from  the  dock : 

"  Them  coolers  wouldn't  have  to  carry  a  Saratoga  trunk 
with  'em  when  they  travel;  a  bottle  of  ink  and  a  pin  would 
last  'em  through  life."  It  wuz  a  real  hot  day,  and  Josiah  con- 
tinered,  "  Well,  their  clothin'  is  comfortable  anyway,  that's 
why  they  are  called  coolers,  because  they're  dressed  so  cool," 
and,  sez  he,  "  what  a  excitement  I  could  make  in  Jonesville 
next  summer  in  dog-days  by  introducin'  this  fashion." 

I  looked  on  him  in  horrow,  and  he  added  hastily,  "  Oh, 
I  should  wear  a  short  tunic,  Samantha,  comin'  down  most 
to  my  knees,  with  tossels  on  it,  and  I  shouldn't  wear  snakes 
or  dragons  on  my  skin,  I  should  wear  some  texts  of  Scripter, 
or  appropriate  quotations,  as  Josiah  the  fair,  or  Josiah  the 
pride  of  Jonesville,  runnin'  down  my  legs  and  arms,  and  I 
shouldn't  have  'em  pricked  in,  I  could  have  'em  painted  in 
gay  colors." 

"  Oh,  heavens !  "  sez  I,  lookin'  up  to  the  sky,  "  what  won't 
I  hear  next  from  this  man !  " 

"  I  hadn't  said  I  should  do  it,  Samantha;  and  'tennyrate 
it  would  be  only  through  dog-days.  I  said  what  a  excite 
ment  it  would  make  if  I  concluded  to  do  it." 

Sez  I,  "  It  is  a  excitement  that  would  land  you  in  Jones 
ville  jail,  and  ort  to." 

But  at  that  minute  Arvilly  and  Miss  Meechim  come  up  to 
us  and  broke  off  the  conversation.  Japan  boatmen  jest  wear 
a  cloth  round  their  loins,  and  some  of  'em  had  a  little  square 
of  matting  fastened  by  a  rope  round  their  necks  to  keep  the 
rain  offen  their  backs. 

After  goin'  through  the  custom  house,  where  we  got  off 
easy,  we  went  to  a  tarven  called  the  Grand  Hotel  and  had  a 
good  night's  rest. 


CHAPTER   XVIII 

HE  next  mornin',  after  tiff  en,  which  wuz  what 
they  call  breakfast,  bein'  just  so  ignorant  of 
good  Jonesville  language,  Josiah  and  I  and 
Tommy  sallied  out  to  see  what  we  could  see, 
the  rest  of  our  party  havin'  gone  out  before. 

Wantin'  to  go  a  considerable  ways,  we  hired  two  jin- 
rikishas,  and  I  took  Tommy  in  my  lap,  and  I  must  say  that 
I  felt  considerable  like  a  baby  in  a  baby  carriage  carryin'  a 
doll;  but  I  got  over  it  and  felt  like  a  grandma  before  I  had 
gone  fur.  How  Josiah  felt  I  don't  know,  though  I  hearn  him 
disputin'  with  the  man  about  his  prices — we  had  took  a  inter 
preter  with  us  so  we  could  know  what  wuz  said  to  us.  The 
price  for  a  jinrikisha  is  five  sen,  and  Josiah  thought  it  meant 
five  cents  of  our  money,  and  so  handed  it  to  him.  But  the 
man  wuz  so  ignorant  he  didn't  know  anything  about  Jones 
ville  money,  and  he  kep'  a-callin'  for  sen,  and  the  interpreter 
sez  "  Sen,"  holdin'  up  his  five  fingers  and  speakin'  it  up  loud, 
and  I  hearn  Josiah  say : 

"  Well,  you  fool,  you,  I  have  given  you  five  cents !  What 
more  do  you  want?"  But  at  last  he  wuz  made  to  under 
stand  ;  but  when  Josiah  made  him  know  where  he  wanted  to 
go  the  interpreter  said  that  the  sedan  carriers  wanted  a  yen, 
and  my  poor  pardner  had  another  struggle.  Sez  he : 

"  You  consarned  fool,  how  do  you  spoze  I  can  give  you 
a  hen  ?  Do  you  spoze  I  can  git  into  my  hen  house  ten  thou 
sand  milds  off  to  git  you  a  hen?  Or  do  you  want  me  to 
steal  one  for  you?  " 

"  A  yen,"  sez  the  interpreter,  and  the  way  he  said  it  it  did 
sound  like  hen. 

"  Well,  I  said  hen,  didn't  I  ?  "  said  my  pardner. 


But  I  leaned  out  of  my  baby  cart  and  sez,  "  Y-e-n,  Josiah. 
A  yen  is  their  money,  a  dollar." 

"  Oh,  why  don't  they  call  it  a  cow  or  a  brindle  calf?" 
He  wuz  all  het  up  by  his  efforts  to  understand.  They  call 
one  of  their  dollars  a  yen,  a  sen  is  a  cent,  and  a  rin  is  the 
tenth  part  of  a  cent.  Josiah  fell  in  love  with  the  copper  rins 
with  square  holes  in  the  centre.  Sez  he: 

"  How  I  would  love  to  furnish  you  with  'em,  Samantha, 
when  you  went  to  the  store  in  Jonesville.  I  would  hand  you 
out  five  or  six  rins  and  you  could  string  'em  and  wear  'em 
round  your  neck  till  you  got  to  the  store." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  half  a  cent  would  go  a  good  ways  in 
buyin'  family  stores." 

"  Well,  it  would  have  a  rich  look,  Samantha,  and  I  mean 
to  make  some  when  I  git  home.  Why,  Ury  and  I  could  make 
hundreds  of  'em  out  of  our  old  copper  kettle  that  has  got  a 
hole  in  it,  and  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  I  could  pass  'em." 

Miss  Meechim  had  a  idee  that  the  Japans  wuz  in  a  state 
of  barbarism,  but  Arvilly  who  wuz  always  at  swords'  pints 
with  her  threw  such  a  lot  of  statistics  at  her  that  it  fairly 
danted  her.  There  are  six  hundred  newspapers  in  Japan. 
The  Japanese  daily  at  Tokio  has  a  circulation  of  300,000. 
She  has  over  3,000  milds  of  railroads  and  uses  the  American 
system  of  checking  baggage.  Large  factories  with  the  best 
machinery  has  been  built  late  years,  but  a  great  part  of  the 
manufacturing  is  done  by  the  people  in  their  own  homes, 
where  they  turn  out  those  exquisite  fabrics  of  silk  and  cotton 
and  rugs  of  all  the  colors  of  the  rainbow,  and  seemingly  as 
fadeless  as  that  bow.  Slavery  is  unknown,  and  there  is  very 
little  poverty  with  all  the  crowded  population.  The  Japans 
are  our  nearest  neighbors  acrost  the  Pacific  and  we've  been 
pretty  neighborly  with  'em,  havin'  bought  from  'em  within 
the  last  ten  years  most  three  hundred  millions  worth  of 
goods.  She  would  miss  us  if  anything  should  happen  to  us. 

Yokohama  is  a  city  of  124,000  inhabitants,  most  all 
Japans,  though  in  what  they  call  the  settlement  there  are 


196     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

fifteen  or  twenty  thousand  foreigners.  There  are  beautiful 
homes  here  with  flower  gardens  containing  the  rarest  and 
most  beautiful  flowers,  trees  and  shrubs  of  all  kinds. 

The  day  Josiah  had  his  struggle  with  the  interpreter  and 
Japan  money  we  rode  down  the  principal  streets  of  Yoko 
hama.  And  I  would  stop  at  some  of  the  silk  shops,  though 
Josiah  objected  and  leaned  out  of  his  jinrikisha  and  sez  anx 
iously  : 

"  Don't  spend  more'n  half  a  dozen  rins,  Samantha,  on 
dress,  for  you  know  we've  got  more  than  10,000  milds  to 
travel  and  the  tarven  bills  are  high." 

Sez  I  in  real  dry  axents,  "  If  I  conclude  to  buy  a  dress  I 
shall  have  to  have  as  much  as  a  dozen  rins;  I  don't  believe 
that  I  could  git  a  handsome  and  durable  one  for  less."  My 
tone  was  sarcastical.  The  idee  of  buyin'  a  silk  dress  for  half  a 
cent !  But  I  didn't  lay  out  to  buy ;  I  wuz  jest  lookin'  round. 

I  saw  in  those  shops  some  of  the  most  beautiful  silks  and 
embroideries  that  I  ever  did  see,  and  I  went  into  a  lacquer 
shop  where  there  wuz  the  most  elegant  furniture  and  rich 
bronzes  inlaid  with  gold  and  silver.  They  make  the  finest 
bronzes  in  the  world;  a  little  pair  of  vases  wuz  fifteen  hun 
dred  dollars  and  you  couldn't  get  'em  for  less.  But  why 
shouldn't  there  be  beautiful  things  in  a  country  where  every 
one  is  a  artist? 

We  stopped  at  a  tea  house  and  had  a  cup  of  tea,  delicious 
as  I  never  spozed  tea  could  be  and  served  by  pretty  young 
girls  with  gay  colored,  loose  silk  suits  and  hair  elaborately 
dressed  up  with  chains  and  ornaments ;  their  feet  and  legs  wuz 
bare,  but  they  wuz  covered  with  ornaments  of  brass  and  jade. 
Afterwards  we  passed  fields  of  rice  where  men  and  wimmen 
wuz  working,  the  men  enrobed  in  their  skin  toilette  of  drag 
ons  and  other  figures  and  loin  cloth  and  the  wimmen  in  little 
scanty  skirts  comin'  from  the  waist  to  the  knees.  Their 
wages  are  eight  cents  a  day.  I  wondered  what  some  of  our 
haughty  kitchen  rulers,  who  demand  a  dollar  a  day  and  the 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     197 

richest  of  viands  would  say  if  they  wuz  put  down  on  a  basis 
of  eight  cents  a  day  and  water  and  rice  diet. 

The  little  bamboo  cottages  are  lovely  lookin'  from  the 
outside  with  their  thatched  roofs,  some  on  'em  with  little 
bushes  growin'  out  on  the  thatch  and  little  bunches  of  grass 
growin'  out  under  the  eaves.  The  children  of  the  poor  are 
entirely  naked  and  don't  have  a  rag  on  'em  until  they're  ten  or 
twelve.  A  lot  of  'em  come  up  to  the  jinrikishas  and  called 
out  "  oh-hi-o  "  to  Josiah,  and  he  shook  his  head  and  sez 
affably : 

"  No,  bub,  I'm  from  Jonesville." 

But  the  interpreter  explained  oh-hi-o  means  good  morn- 
in' ;  and  after  that  for  days  Josiah  would  say  to  me  as  soon 
as  I  waked  up,  "  Ohio,"  and  wanted  to  say  it  to  the  rest,  but 
I  broke  it  up. 

One  thing  Josiah  thought  wuz  wicked:  a  Japanese  is 
not  allowed  to  wear  whiskers  till  he  is  a  grandpa,  so  old  bach 
elors  have  to  go  with  smooth  faces. 

Sez  Josiah,  "  What  if  Cousin  Zebedee  Allen  couldn't 
wear  whiskers?  Why,"  sez  he,  "  his  whiskers  are  his  main 
beauty,  and  naterally  Zeb  is  more  particular  about  his  looks 
than  if  he  wuz  married.  Such  laws  are  wicked  and  arbitrary. 
Why,  when  I  courted  my  first  wife,  Samantha,  my  whiskers 
and  my  dressy  looks  wuz  what  won  the  day.  And  I  d'no," 
sez  he  inquiringly,  "  but  they  won  your  heart." 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  it  wuzn't  them,  and  heaven  only  knows 
what  it  wuz;  I  never  could  tell.  I've  wondered  about  it  a 
sight." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  I  didn't  know  but  it  wuz  my  whiskers." 

We  passed  a  number  of  temples  where  the  people  wor 
ship.  The  two  principal  religions  are  the  Shinto  and  the 
Buddhist.  The  Shinto  means,  "  The  way  of  the  gods,"  and 
they  believe  that  their  representative  is  the  Mikado,  so  of 
course  they  lay  out  to  worship  him.  The  Buddhists  preach 
renunciation,  morality,  duty,  and  right  living.  Bein'  such  a 
case  to  cling  to  Duty's  apron  strings  I  couldn't  feel  towards 


198     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

the  Buddhists  as  Miss  Meechim  did.  Sez  she,  "  Oh,  why 
can't  they  believe  as  we  do  in  America?  Why  can't  they 
all  be  Episcopalians  ?  " 

But  'tennyrate  all  religions  are  tolerated  here,  and  as 
Arvilly  told  Miss  Meechim  when  she  wuz  bewailin'  the  fact 
that  they  wuzn't  all  Episcopals  and  wuzn't  more  like  our 
country. 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  They  don't  drownd  what  they  call  witches, 
nor  hang  Quakers,  nor  whip  Baptists,  nor  have  twenty  wives. 
It  don't  do  for  us  to  find  too  much  fault  with  the  religion 
of  other  nations,  Miss  Meechim,  specially  them  that  teaches 
the  highest  morality,  self-control  and  self-sacrifice." 

Miss  Meechim  was  huffy,  but  Arvilly  drove  the  arrer 
home.  "  Gamblin'  is  prohibted  here ;  you  wouldn't  be  al 
lowed  gamble  for  bed-quilts  and  afghans  at  church  socials, 
Miss  Meechim." 

Miss  Meechim  wouldn't  say  a  word.  I  see  she  wuz  awful 
huffy.  But  howsumever  there  are  lots  of  people  here  who 
believe  in  the  Christian  religion. 

We  passed  such  cunning  little  farms ;  two  acres  is  called  a 
good  farm,  and  everything  seemed  to  be  growin'  on  it  in 
little  squares,  kep'  neat  and  clean,  little  squares  of  rice  and 
wheat  and  vegetables. 

And  Josiah  sez,  "  I  wonder  what  Ury  would  say  if  I 
should  set  him  to  transplantin'  a  hull  field  of  wheat,  spear 
by  spear,  as  they  do  here,  set  'em  out  in  rows  as  we  do  onions. 
And  I  guess  he'd  kick  if  I  should  hitch  him  onto  the  plow  to 
plow  up  a  medder,  or  onto  the  mower  or  reaper.  I  guess  I'd 
git  enough  of  it.  I  guess  he'd  give  me  my  come-up-ance." 

"  Not  if  he  wuz  so  polite  as  the  Japans,"  sez  I. 

"  And  what  a  excitement  it  would  make  in  Jonesville," 
sez  Josiah,  "  if  I  should  hitch  Ury  and  Philury  onto  the 
mowin'  machine.  I  might,"  he  continered  dreamily,  "  just 
for  a  change,  drive  'em  into  Jonesville  once  on  the  lumber 
wagon." 

But  he'll  forgit  it,  I  guess,  and  Japan  will  forgit  it  too 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    199 

before  long.  Their  tools  are  poor  and  fur  behind  ourn,  and 
some  of  their  ways  are  queer ;  such  as  trainin'  their  fruit  trees 
over  arbors  as  we  do  vines.  Josiah  wuz  dretful  took  with 
this  and  vowed  he'd  train  our  old  sick  no  further  over  a 
arbor.  Sez  he,  "  If  I  can  train  that  old  tree  into  a  runnin' 
vine  I  shall  be  the  rage  in  Jonesville." 

But  he  can't  do  it.  The  branches  are  as  thick  as  his 
arm.  And  I  sez,  "  Children  and  trees  have  to  be  tackled 
young,  Josiah,  to  bend  their  wills  the  way  you  want  'em  to 
go."  They  make  a  great  fuss  here  over  the  chrysantheum, 
and  they  are  beautiful,  I  must  admit.  They  don't  look  much 
like  mine  that  I  have  growin'  in  a  kag  in  the  east  winder. 

Their  common  fruits  are  the  persimmons,  a  sweet  fruit 
about  as  big  as  a  tomato  and  lookin'  some  like  it,  with  flat 
black  seeds,  pears,  good  figs,  oranges,  peaches,  apples.  There 
is  very  little  poverty,  and  the  poorest  people  are  very  clean 
and  neat.  Their  law  courts  don't  dally  for  month  after  month 
and  years.  If  a  man  murders  they  hang  him  the  same  week. 

But  mebby  our  ways  of  lingerin'  along  would  be  better  in 
some  cases,  if  new  evidence  should  be  found  within  a  year  or 
so,  or  children  should  grow  up  into  witnesses. 

We  went  into  a  Japanese  house  one  day.  It  is  made  on  a 
bamboo  frame,  the  roof  and  sides  wuz  thatched  with  rye 
straw,  the  winders  wuz  slidin'  frames  divided  into  little 
squares  covered  with  thin  white  paper.  The  partitions  wuz 
covered  with  paper,  and  movable,  so  you  could  if  you  wanted 
to  make  your  house  into  one  large  room.  Josiah  told  me 
that  he  should  tear  "out  every  partition  in  our  house  and  fix 
'em  like  this.  "  How  handy  it  would  be,  Samantha,  if  I  ever 
wanted  to  preach." 

And  I  told  him  that  I  guessed  our  settin'  room  would 
hold  all  that  would  come  to  hear  him  preach,  and  sez  I,  "  How 
would  paper  walls  do  with  the  thermometer  forty  below 
zero  ?  "  He  looked  frustrated,  he  had  never  thought  of  that. 

The  house  we  went  into  wuz  sixteen  feet  square,  divided 
into  four  square  rooms.  It  wuz  two  stories  high,  and  little 


200     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

porches  about  two  feet  wide  wuz  on  each  story,  front  and 
back.  There  wuz  no  chimney ;  there  wuz  a  open  place  in  the 
wall  of  the  kitchen  to  let  the  smoke  out  from  the  little  char 
coal  furnace  they  used  to  cook  with,  and  one  kettle  wuz 
used  to  cook  rice  and  fish;  no  spoons  or  forks  are  needed. 
The  doors  and  frame-work  wuz  painted  bronze  color.  There 
wuzn't  much  furniture  besides  the  furnace  and  tea-kettle 
that  stands  handy  to  make  tea  at  any  time.  A  few  cups  and 
saucers,  a  small  clock,  a  family  idol,  and  a  red  cushioned  plat 
form  they  could  move,  high  and  wide  enough  for  a  seat  so 
several  can  set  back  to  back,  is  about  all  that  is  necessary. 

Their  floors  are  covered  with  a  lined  straw  matting,  soft 
as  carpet;  they  sleep  on  cotton  mats  put  away  in  the  day 
time;  their  head-rest  is  a  small  block  of  wood  about  one  foot 
long,  five  inches  wide  and  eight  inches  high.  A  pillow  filled 
with  cut  rye  straw  and  covered  with  several  sheets  of  rice 
paper  isn't  so  bad,  though  I  should  prefer  my  good  goose 
feather  pillows.  The  Japanese  are  exceedingly  neat  and 
clean ;  they  could  teach  needed  lessons  to  the  poorer  classes 
in  America. 

We  one  day  made  an  excursion  twenty  milds  on  the  To- 
kiado,  the  great  highway  of  Japan.  It  is  broad  and  smooth ; 
five  hundred  miles  long,  and  follers  the  coast.  Part  of  the 
way  we  went  with  horses,  and  little  side  trips  into  the  coun 
try  wuz  made  with  jinrikishas.  Quaint  little  villages  wuz  on 
each  side  of  the  road,  and  many  shrines  on  the  waysides. 
That  day  we  see  the  famous  temple  of  Diabutsu  with  its 
colossal  bronze  idol.  It  wuz  fifty  feet  high  and  eighty-seven 
feet  round.  The  eyes  three  feet  and  a  half  wide.  One  thumb 
is  three  and  a  half  feet  round.  He  seemed  to  be  settin'  on 
his  feet. 

A  widder  and  a  priest  wuz  kneelin'  in  front  of  this  idol. 
The  priest  held  in  one  hand  a  rope  and  anon  he  would  jerk 
out  melancholy  sounds  from  a  big  bronze  bell  over  his  head. 
In  his  other  hand  he  held  some  little  pieces  of  wood  and 
paper  with  prayers  printed  on  'em.  As  he  would  read  'em 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    201 

off  he  would  lay  one  down  on  the  floor,  and  the  widder 
would  give  him  some  money  every  time.  I  thought  that 
wuz  jest  about  where  the  prayers  went,  down  on  the  floor; 
they  never  riz  higher,  I  don't  believe. 

Josiah  wuz  kinder  took  with  'em,  and  sez  he,  "  How 
handy  that  would  be,  Samantha,  if  a  man  wuz  diffident,  and 
every  man,  no  matter  how  bashful  he  is,  has  more  or  less 
wood  chips  in  his  back  yard.  Sometimes  I  feel  diffident, 
Samantha." 

But  I  sez,  "  I  don't  want  any  wooden  prayers  offered 
for  me,  Josiah  Allen,  and,"  sez  I,  "  that  seen  shows  jest  how 
widders  are  imposed  upon." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  she  no  need  to  dickered  with  the  priest 
for  'em  if  she  hadn't  wanted  to." 

And  I  did  wish  that  that  little  widder  had  known  about 
the  One  ever  present,  ever  living  God,  who  has  promised  to 
comfort  the  widder,  be  a  father  to  the  orphan,  and  wipe  away 
all  tears. 

But  the  Sunrise  Land  is  waking  up,  there  is  a  bright  light 
in  the  East : 

In  the  beauty  of  the  lilies  Christ  is  born  acrost  the  sea, 
With  a  glory  in  his  bosom  that  transfigures  you  and  me. 

With  the  sweet  gentleness  and  amiable  nater  of  the  Japans 
what  will  not  the  divine  religion  of  the  Lord  Jesus  do  for 
them?  It  will  be  plantin'  seed  in  good  ground  that  will 
spring  up  a  hundredfold. 

I  spoze  that  it  wuz  on  Robert  Strong's  account  (he  is 
acquainted  with  so  many  big  Chinamen  and  Japans)  that  we 
wuz  invited  to  a  elegant  tiffen  in  one  of  the  Mikado's  palaces 
at  Tokio.  The  grounds  wuz  beautiful,  the  garden  containing 
some  of  the  most  beautiful  specimens  of  trees,  trained  into 
all  shapes,  some  on  'em  hundreds  of  years  old,  but  havin' 
their  faculties  yet,  and  growin'  jest  as  they  wuz  told  to,  and 
all  the  beautiful  flowers  and  shrubs  that  Japan  can  boast  of, 


202     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  palm  trees,  bananas,  giant  ferns  and  everything  else 
beautiful  in  the  way  of  vegetation. 

The  palace  is  one  of  the  oldest  in  Tokio.  It  wuz  only 
one  story  high,  but  the  rooms  wuz  beautiful.  The  fan  cham 
ber  wuz  fifty  feet  square,  the  walls  covered  with  fans  of  every 
size  and  shape  and  color.  The  only  furniture  in  this  room 
wuz  two  magnificent  cabinets  of  lacquer  work  and  four  great, 
gorgeous  bronze  vases. 

The  tiff  en  wuz  gin  by  a  high  official;  there  wuz  fifty 
guests.  The  hour  was  two  in  the  afternoon.  There  wuz  ten 
ladies  present — two  beautiful  Japanese  ladies,  dressed  in  the 
rich  toilette  of  Japan.  The  lunch  cards  wuz  little  squares  of 
scarlet  paper,  with  black  Japanese  writing.  Josiah  looked  at 
the  card  intently  and  then  whispered  to  me : 

"  How  be  I  goin'  to  know  what  I  am  eatin'  from  these 
duck  tracks  ?  " 

But  I  whispered,  "  Le's  do  what  the  rest  do,  Josiah,  and 
we'll  come  out  all  right." 

But  we  had  a  dretful  scare,  for  right  whilst  we  wuz  par- 
takin'  of  the  choice  Japan  viands  a  loud  rumblin'  sound  wuz 
hearn,  and  I  see  even  as  we  rushed  to  the  door  the  timbers 
of  the  ceilin'  part  and  then  come  together  agin  and  the  great 
bronze  chandelier  swing  back  and  forth.  My  pardner  ketched 
hold  of  my  hand  and  hurried  me  along  on  a  swift  run  and 
wouldn't  stop  runnin'  for  some  time.  I  tried  to  stop  him, 
for  I  got  out  of  breath,  but  he  wuz  bound  to  run  right  back 
to  Yokohama,  thirty  miles  off.  But  I  convinced  him  that  we 
would  be  no  safer  there,  for  you  can't  argy  with  earthquake 
shocks  and  tell  when  they're  comin',  they  are  very  common 
in  all  parts  of  Japan.  After  the  first  heavy  shock  there  wuz 
two  lighter  ones,  and  that  ended  it  for  that  time.  But  though 
we  all  went  back  to  the  table,  I  can't  say  that  I  took  any 
great  comfort  in  the  tiffen  after  that. 

A  blow  has  fell  onto  me  1  wuzn't  prepared  for.  We 
found  a  number  of  letters  waitin'  for  us  here  at  the  tarven 
that  Robert  Strong  had  ordered  to  be  forwarded  there.  It 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    203 

seemed  so  good,  whilst  settin'  under  a  palm  tree,  seein'  jin- 
rikishas  go  by,  and  Chinas  and  Japans,  to  set  and  read  about 
the  dear  ones  in  Jonesville,  and  the  old  mair  and  Snip. 

The  letters  wuz  full  of  affection  and  cheer,  and  after 
readin'  'em  I  gathered  'em  up  and  sought  my  pardner  to  ex 
change  letters  with  him,  as  I  wuz  wont  to  do,  and  I  see  he 
had  quite  a  few,  but  what  was  my  surprise  to  see  that  man 
sarahuptishushly  and  with  a  guilty  look  try  to  conceal  one 
on  'em  under  his  bandanna.  And  any  woman  will  know 
that  all  his  other  letters  wuz  as  dross  to  me  compared  to  the 
one  he  was  hidin'.  I  will  pass  over  my  argyments — and — 
and  words,  before  that  letter  lay  in  my  hand.  But  suffice  it 
to  say,  that  when  at  last  I  read  it  and  all  wuz  explained  to 
me,  groans  and  sithes  riz  from  my  burdened  heart  deeper 
and  despairener  than  any  I  had  gin  vent  to  in  years  and  years. 

And  I  may  as  well  tell  the  hull  story  now,  as  I  spoze 
my  readers  are  most  as  anxious  about  it  as  I  wuz.  Oh,  Jo- 
siah!  How  could  you  done  it?  How  I  do  hate  to  tell  it! 
Must  I  tell  the  shameful  facts?  Oh,  Duty!  lower  thy  strong 
est  apron  strings  and  let  me  cling  and  tell  and  weep.  And 
there  it  had  been  goin'  on  for  months  and  I  not  mistrustin' 
it.  But  Duty,  I  will  hold  hard  onto  thy  strings  and  tell  the 
shameful  tale. 

Josiah  owned  a  old  dwellin'  house  in  the  environs  of 
Jonesville,  right  acrost  from  Cap'n  Bardeen's,  who  rented  it 
of  him  to  store  things  in.  The  town  line  runs  right  under 
the  house,  so  the  sink  is  in  Zoar,  and  the  cupboard  always 
had  stood  in  Jonesville.  But  owin'  to  Ernest  White's  labors 
and  prayers  and  votes,  his  and  all  other  good  ministers  and 
earnest  helpers,  Jonesville  went  no-license  now  jest  as  Loon- 
town  did  last  year. 

And  jest  as  Satan  always  duz  if  he  gits  holt  of  souls  that 
he  can't  buy  or  skair,  he  will  try  to  cheat  'em,  he  is  so  suttle. 
It  seems  that  after  we  got  away  that  Cap'n  Bardeen  moved 
that  cupboard  over  to  the  other  side  of  the  room  into  Zoar 


204     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN1 8  WIFE 

and  went  to  sellin'  whiskey  ©ut  on't.  Awful  doin's!  The 
minute  I  read  the  letter  I  sez: 

"  Josiah  Allen,  do  you  write  this  very  minute  and  stop 
this  wicked,  wicked  works !  "  Sez  I :  "  No  knowin'  how  many 
Jonesvillians  will  feel  their  religion  a-wobblin'  and  tottlin' 
just  by  your  example;  naterally  they  would  look  up  to  a 
deacon  and  emulate  his  example — do  you  stop  it  to  once !  " 

"  No,  Samantha,"  sez  he,  "  Cap'n  Bardeen  and  his  father 
owns  more  cows  than  any  other  Jonesvillians.  If  I  want  to  be 
salesman  agin  in  the  Jonesville  factory  I  mustn't  make  'em 
mad,  and  they  pay  a  dretful  high  rent." 

"  I  wouldn't  call  it  rent,"  sez  I,  "  I'd  call  it  blood-money. 
I'd  run  a  pirate  flag  up  on  the  ruff  with  these  words  on  it, 
'  Josiah  Allen,  Deacon.' ' 

He  wuz  agitated  and  sez,  "  Oh,  no,  Samantha ;  I  wouldn't 
do  that  for  the  world,  I  am  so  well  thought  on  in  the  M.  E. 
meetin'  house." 

"  Well,  you  won't  be  well  thought  on  if  you  do  such  a 
thing  as  this !  "  sez  I.  "  Jest  think  how  Ernest  White,  that 
good  devoted  minister,  has  labored  and  prayed  for  the  good 
of  souls  and  bodies,  and  you  tryin'  your  best  to  overthrow  it 
all.  How  could  you  do  it,  Josiah?  " 

"  Well,  I  may  as  well  tell  you,  Samantha,  I  writ  to  Ury 
and  kinder  left  it  to  him.  He  knows  my  ambitions  and  my 
biziness.  He  knows  how  handy  money  is,  and  he  fixed  it 
all  straight  and  right." 

"  Ury!  "  sez  I,  "  why  should  you  leave  it  to  Ury?  Does 
he  keep  your  conscience  and  clean  it  off  when  it  gits  black 
and  nasty  by  such  doin's  as  this?  " 

"  No,  Samantha,  I've  got  my  conscience  all  right.  I 
brought  it  with  me  on  my  tower." 

"  Why  should  you  leave  it  to  Ury?  He's  your  hired  man, 
he  would  do  as  you  told  him  to,"  sez  I.  "  For  a  Methodist 
deacon  such  acts  are  demeanin'  and  disgustin'  for  a  pardner 
and  Jonesville  to  witness,  let  alone  the  country."  And  agin 
I  sez,  "  You  can  stop  it  in  a  minute  if  you  want  to,  and  you 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    205 

know  right  from  wrong,  you  know  enough  to  say  yes  or  no 
without  bringin'  Ury  into  the  scrape;  Ury!  spozein'  you  git 
him  into  it,  I  can  tell  you  he  won't  bear  the  brunt  of  it  be 
fore  the  bar  of  this  country  or  that  bar  up  above.  You'll 
have  to  carry  the  responsibility  of  all  the  evil  it  duz,  and  it 
will  be  a  lastin'  disgrace  to  you  and  the  hull  Methodist  meetin- 
house  if  you  let  it  go  on." 

Agin  he  sez,  "  Ury  fixed  it  all  right." 

"How  did  Ury  fix  it? "  sez  I,  in  the  cold  axents  of 
woman's  skorn  and  curiosity." 

"  Well,  Ury  said,  make  -Bardeen  stop  sellin'  whiskey 
out  of  the  cupboard,  make  him  sell  it  out  of  the  chist.  There 
is  a  big  chist  there  that  Bardeen  bought  to  keep  grain  in, 
sez  Ury;  let  Bardeen  move  that  cupboard  acrost  the  room 
back  into  Jonesville,  set  the  chist  up  on  the  sink  in  Zoar 
and  sell  it  out  of  that.  Ury  said  that  in  his  opinion  that 
would  make  it  all  right,  so  that  a  perfessor  and  a  Methodist 
deacon  could  do  it  with  a  clear  conscience." 

Sez  I,  "  Do  you  write  to  once,  Josiah  Allen,  and  tell  Bar 
deen  to  either  stop  such  works,  or  move  right  out." 

"  Well,"  sez  he  blandly,  real  bland  and  polite,  "  I  will 
consider  it,  Samantha,  I  will  give  it  my  consideration." 

"  No,  no,  Josiah  Allen,  you  know  right  from  wrong, 
truth  from  falsehood,  honesty  from  dishonesty,  you  don't 
want  to  consider." 

"  Yes,  I  do,  Samantha ;  it  is  so  genteel  when  a  moral 
question  comes  up  to  wait  and  consider;  it  is  very  fashion 
able." 

"  How  long  do  you  lay  out  to  wait,  Josiah  Allen?  "  sez  I, 
coldly. 

"  Oh,  it  is  fashionable  to  not  give  a  answer  till  you're 
obleeged  to,  but  I  will  consult  agin  with  Ury  and  probable 
along  by  Fall  I  can  give  you  my  ultimatum." 

"  And  whilst  you  are  a  considerin'  Bardeen  will  go  on  a 
sellin'  pizen  to  destroy  all  the  good  that  Ernest  White,  that 


206     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J  OBI  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE 

devoted  minister  of  Christ,  and  all  the  good  men  and  wim- 
men  helpers  have  done  and  are  a  doin'." 

"  Well,"  sez  Josiah,  "  I  may  as  well  tell  you,  you  would 
probably  hear  on't,  Ernest  White  writ  me  some  time  ago,  and 
sent  me  a  long  petition  signed  by  most  all  the  ministers  and 
leadin'  men  and  wimmen,  beggin'  me  to  stop  Bardeen." 
"  Well,  what  did  you  tell  him,  Josiah  Allen  ?  " 
"  I  told  him,  Samantha,  I  would  consider  it." 
"  And,"  sez  I,  "  have  you  been  all  this  time,  months  and 
months,  a  considerin'  ?  " 

"  Yes,  mom,"  sez  he,  in  a  polite,  genteel  tone,  "  I  have." 
"  Well,  do  you  stop  considerin'  to  once,  Josiah  Allen." 
"  No,  Samantha,  a  pardner  can  do  a  good  deal,  but  she 
can't  break  up  a  man's  considerin'.     It  is  very  genteel  and 
fashionable,  and  I  shall  keep  it  up." 

I  groaned  aloud;  the  more  I  thought  on't,  the  worse  I 
felt.  Sez  I,  "  To  think  of  all  the  evils  that  are  a  flowin'  out 
of  that  place,  Josiah,  and  you  could  stop  it  to  once  if  you  wuz 
a  minter." 

"  But,"  sez  Josiah,  "  Ury  sez  that  if  it  wuzn't  sold  there  by 
Cap'n  Bardeen  the  factory  folks  would  go  over  into  Zoar  and 
git  worse  likker  sold  by  low  down  critters." 

Sez  I,  "  You  might  as  well  say  if  Christians  don't  steal 
and  murder,  it  will  be  done  by  them  of  poor  moral  character. 
That  is  one  strong  weepon  to  kill  the  evil — confine  the  biz- 
ness  to  the  low  and  vile  and  show  the  world  that  you,  a  Meth 
odist  and  a  deacon,  put  the  bizness  right  where  it  belongs, 
with  murder  and  all  wickedness,  not  as  you  are  sayin'  now 
by  your  example,  it  is  right  and  I  will  protect  it." 

"  Well,"  sez  Josiah,  as  sot  as  a  old  hen  settin'  on  a  brick 
bat,  "  it  is  law ;  Ury  has  settled  it." 

My  heart  ached  so  that  it  seemed  to  clear  my  head. 
"  We'll  see,"  sez  I,  "  if  it  can't  be  changed.  I'll  know  before 
a  week  has  gone  over  my  head."  And  I  got  up  and  dragged 
out  the  hair  trunk,  sithin'  so  deep  that  it  wuz  dretful  to  hear, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    207 

some  like  the  melancholy  winter  winds  howlin'  round  a 
Jonesville  chimbly. 

"What  are  you  a  goin'  to  do,  Samantha?"  sez  Josiah 
anxiously. 

"  I  am  goin'  back  home,"  sez  I,  "  to-morrer  to  see  about 
that  law." 

"Alone?  "sez  he. 

"  Yes,  alone,"  sez  I,  "  alone." 

"  Never !  "  sez  Josiah.  "  Never  will  I  let  my  idol  go  from 
Japan  to  Jonesville  unprotected.  If  you  must  go  and  make 
a  town's  talk  from  China  to  Jonesville  I'll  stand  by  you." 
And  he  took  down  his  hat  and  ombrell. 

"  What  would  you  do  if  you  went  back  ?  "  sez  I.  "  I 
should  think  you  had  done  enough  as  it  is;  I  shall  go  alone." 

"  What !  you  go  and  leave  all  the  pleasures  of  this  trip  and 
go  alone?  Part  from  your  pardner  for  months  and 
months?" 

"  Yes,"  sez  I  wildly,  "  and  mebby  forever.  It  don't  seem 
to  me  that  I  can  ever  live  with  a  man  that  is  doin'  what 
you  are."  And  hot  tears  dribbled  down  onto  my  sheep's- 
head  night-caps. 

"  Oh,  Samantha ! "  sez  he,  takin'  out  his  bandanna  and 
weepin'  in  consort,  "  what  is  money  or  ambition  compared 
to  the  idol  of  my  heart  ?  I'll  write  to  Ury  to  change  the  law 
agin." 

"  Dear  Josiah !  "  sez  I,  "  I  knew,  I  knew  you  couldn't  be 
so  wicked  as  to  continue  what  you  had  begun.  -But  can  you 
do  it?"  sez  I. 

Sez  he  cheerfully,  as  he  see  me  take  out  a  sheep's-head 
night-cap  and  shet  down  the  trunk  led,  "  What  man  has 
done,  man  can  do.  If  Ury  can  fix  a  law  once,  he  can  fix  it 
twice.  And  he  done  it  for  me."  Sez  he,  "  I  can  repeal  it  if 
I  am  a  minter,  and  when  I  am  a  minter."  And  he  got  up 
and  took  a  sheet  of  paper  and  begun  to  write  to  repeal  that 
law.  I  gently  leggo  the  apron-string  dear  Duty  had  lowered 
to  me ;  it  had  held ;  pure  Principle  had  conquered  agin.  Oh, 


208    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

the  relief  and  sweetness  of  that  hour!  Sweet  is  the  pink 
blush  of  roses  after  the  cold  snows  of  winter;  sweet  is  rest 
after  a  weary  pilgrimage. 

Calm  and  beautiful  is  the  warm  ambient  air  of  repose 
and  affection  after  a  matrimonial  blizzard.  Josiah  wuz  better 
to  me  than  he  had  been  for  over  seven  weeks,  and  his  lovin' 
demeanor  didn't  change  for  the  worse  for  as  many  as  five 
days.  But  the  wicked  wrong  wuz  done  away  with. 

I  writ  a  letter  to  Ernest  White  tellin'  him  I  never  knowed 
a  word  about  it  till  that  very  day,  and  my  companion  had  re 
pealed  the  law,  and  Cap'n  Bardeen  had  got  to  move  out  or 
stop  sellin'  whiskey.  He  knows  how  I  worship  Josiah;  he 
didn't  expect  that  I  would  come  out  openly  and  blame  him ; 
no,  the  bare  facts  wuz  enough. 

I  ended  up  the  letter  with  a  post  scriptum  remark.  Sez 
I :  "  Waitstill  Webb  is  sweeter  lookin'  than  ever  and  as  good 
as  pure  gold,  jest  as  she  always  wuz,  but  the  climate  is 
wearin'  on  her,  and  I  believe  she  will  be  back  in  Jonesville  as 
soon  as  we  are,  if  not  before.  She  is  a  lovely  girl  and  would 
make  a  Christian  minister's  home  in  Loontown  or  any  other 
town  a  blessed  and  happy  place." 

I  thought  I  wouldn't  dast  to  do  anything  more  than 
to  give  such  a  little  blind  hint.  But  to  resoom.  Folks  seem 
to  have  a  wrong  idee  about  the  education  of  the  Japanese. 
There  are  twenty-eight  thousand  schools  in  Japan,  besides 
the  private  and  public  kindergartens.  There  are  over  three 
million  native  students  out  of  a  school  population  of  seven 
million.  There  are  sixty-nine  thousand  teachers,  all  Japanese, 
excepting  about  two  hundred  and  fifty  American,  German 
and  English.  Nearly  ten  million  dollars  (Japanese)  is  raised 
annually  for  educational  purposes  from  school  fees,  taxes, 
interest  on  funds,  etc.  They  have  compulsory  school  laws 
just  like  ours.  And  not  a  drunken  native  did  we  see  whilst 
in  Japan,  and  I  wish  that  I  could  say  the  same  of  New  York 
for  the  same  length  of  time  or  Chicago  or  Jonesville. 

And  for  gentle,  polite,  amiable  manners  they  go  as  fur 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    209 

ahead  of  Americans  as  the  leaves  of  their  trees  duz,  and  I've 
seen  leaves  there  more'n  ten  feet  long.  The  empire  of  Japan 
consists  of  three  thousand  eight  hundred  islands,  from  one 
eight  hundred  milds  long  to  them  no  bigger  than  a  tin  pan, 
and  the  population  is  about  forty-three  million.  I  don't 
spoze  any  nation  on  earth  ever  made  faster  progress  than 
Japan  has  in  the  last  thirty  years :  railways,  telegraph  postal 
system.  It  seems  as  if  all  Japan  wanted  wuz  to  find  out  the 
best  way  of  doin'  things,  and  then  she  goes  right  ahead  and 
duz  'em. 

Robert  Strong  wuz  talking  about  what  the  word  Japan 
meant,  the  Sunrise  Land.  And  he  said  some  real  pretty 
things  about  it  and  so  did  Dorothy.  They  wuz  dretful  took 
with  the  country.  Robert  Strong  has  travelled  everywhere 
and  he  told  me  that  some  portions  of  Japan  wuz  more  beauti 
ful  than  any  country  he  had  ever  seen.  We  took  several 
short  journeys  into  the  interior  to  see  the  home  life  of  the 
people,  but  Robert  Strong,  who  seemed  to  be  by  the  consent 
of  all  of  us  the  head  of  our  expedition,  thought  that  we  had 
better  not  linger  very  long  there  as  there  wuz  so  many 
other  countries  that  we  wanted  to  visit,  but  'tennyrate  we 
decided  to  start  for  Calcutta  from  Hongkong,  stopping  on 
the  way  at  Shanghai. 


14 


CHAPTER    XIX 

E  wuz  a  goin'  to  stop  for  a  day  or  two  at  Shang 
hai  and  I  wuz  real  glad  on't,  for  I  felt  that  I 
must  see  the  Empress,  Si  Ann,  without  any 
more  delay,  and  I  hearn  she  wuz  there  visitin' 
some  of  her  folks. 

Yes,  I  felt  the  widder  Hien  Fong  ort  to  hear  what  I  had 
to  say  to  her  with  no  further  delay,  I  felt  it  wuz  a  duty  that 
I  owed  toward  the  nation  and  Josiah. 

The  voyage  from  Yokohama  to  Shanghai  is  very  inter 
esting,  a  part  of  it  is  through  the  inland  sea,  mountains  and 
valleys  on  both  sides,  many  islands  and  large  and  small 
towns  all  along  the  shores.  Our  hull  party  kep'  well  and  all 
enjoyed  all  the  strange  picturesque  scenery,  most  as  new  to 
us  as  if  we  wuz  on  another  planet.  Yes,  I  d'no  as  Jupiter 
would  look  any  stranger  to  us  than  the  country  did,  or  Mars 
or  Saturn. 

We  wuz  over  a  day  crossin'  the  Yaller  Sea,  well  named, 
for  its  water  is  as  yaller  as  the  sands  on  its  shores.  I'd  hate 
to  wash  white  clothes  in  it.  And  as  we  drew  near  Shanghai 
it  wuz  all  alive  with  Chinese  junks  full  of  men,  wimmen  and 
children.  The  children  here  on  these  boats  seem  to  be  tied 
up  with  ropes,  givin'  'em  room  to  crawl  round,  same  as  I 
have  tied  up  Jonesville  hens  that  wanted  to  set. 

Shanghai  means,  "  approaching  the  sea,"  and  I  spoze  it 
might  just  as  well  mean  approaching  from  the  sea,  as  we 
did.  Old  Shanghai  is  surrounded  by  a  wall  and  moat  and 
is  entered  by  six  gates,  the  roads  are  only  ten  feet  wide  and 
dirty  and  bad  smellin',  and  most  of  its  houses  are  small, 
though  there  are  a  few  very  fine  buildings,  according  to 
their  style,  lots  of  little  piazzas  jutting  out  everywhere  with 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     211 

the  ends  turned  up,  that  seems  to  be  their  taste;  why  a  ruff 
or  a  piazza  straight  acrost  would  have  been  a  boon  to  my 
Jonesville  trained  eyes.  The  houses  on  the  principal  streets 
are  used  for  shops;  no  winders  on  the  first  floor;  they  are 
all  open  in  front  during  the  day  and  closed  by  heavy  lattice 
work  at  night. 

The  favorite  carriage  here  is  a  wheelbarrow,  the  wheel 
in  the  centre  and  a  seat  on  each  side.  Josiah  and  I  got  into 
one,  he  carryin'  Tommy  in  his  lap,  but  he  sez  with  a  groan : 

"  I  never  spozed  that  I  should  git  down  to  this,  Saman- 
tha,  to  ride  in  a  wheelbarrow.  What  would  Ury  say!  I 
am  glad  he  can't  see  it,  or  Deacon  Henzy  or  any  of  the 
other  Jonesville  brothers  and  sistern." 

The  furrin  suburbs  are  laid  out  like  a  European  city, 
with  broad  streets,  well  lighted  and  clean.  We  went  on  the 
Bubbling  Well  Road,  named  from  a  boiling  spring  a  few 
miles  out.  The  road  is  broad  and  smooth  as  glass  with 
beautiful  villas  along  the  way;  we  also  passed  a  great  num 
ber  of  small  burying  places.  They  have  to  bury  folks  ac 
cording  to  the  rules  of  Feng  Shui.  If  Feng  Shui  should 
order  a  burial  place  in  a  dooryard  it  would  have  to  be  there. 
It  rules  buildings,  customs,  laws,  everything.  I  asked  a 
Chinaman  who  could  talk  English  what  this  Feng  Shui  wuz 
that  they  had  to  obey  it  so  strictly,  and  he  described  it  as 
being  like  the  wind  and  water:  like  wind  because  you  don't 
know  where  it  come  from  nor  when  it  would  go  or  where; 
and  like  water  because  you  could  never  know  how  to  grasp 
it,  it  would  elude  you  and  slip  away  and  you  would  have 
nothing  in  your  hand  to  show.  Miss  Meechim  cried  out 
about  the  enormity  of  such  a  law  and  laid  it  to  the  evil 
doin's  of  furriners,  but  Arvilly  said  that  it  wuz  some  like  the 
laws  we  had  in  America,  for  we  found  out  on  inquiry  that 
money  would  most  always  appease  this  great  Feng  Shui  and 
git  it  to  consent  to  most  anything  if  it  wuz  paid  enough,  just 
as  it  did  in  America. 

Josiah  said  he  had  a  good  mind  to  set  up  some  such 


212    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLJSJTS 

thing  in  Jonesville  when  he  got  back,  sez  he,  "  I  wouldn't 
name  it  Feng  Shui  just  like  this,  I  might  call  it  Fine  Shue  or 
sunthin'  like  that.  And  jest  see,  Samantha,  how  handy  it 
would  be  if  the  meetin'  house  went  aginst  me  I  would  jest 
git  up  and  lift  up  my  hand  and  say,  'Fine  Shue  has  decided. 
It  will  be  as  I  say.'  Or  on  'lection  day,  if  I  wuzn't  put  up 
for  office,  or  when  they  elect  somebody  besides  me,  or  at 
the  cheese  factory  if  they  put  up  another  salesman,  or  on 
the  beat,  if  they  wanted  another  pathmaster,  I'd  jest  call  on 
the  Fine  Shue  and  there  I'd  be.  Why,  Samantha,"  sez  he, 
gittin'  carried  away  in  his  excitement,  "  I  could  git  to  be 
President  jest  as  easy  as  fallin'  off  a  log  if  I  could  make  the 
Fine  Shue  work." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  but  that  is  a  big  if;  but  do  you  want  to, 
Josiah,  turn  back  the  wheels  of  our  civilization  that  are 
creaky  and  jolty  enough,  heaven  knows,  back  into  worse  and 
more  swampy  paths  than  they  are  runnin'  in  now?  " 

"  I  d'no,"  sez  Josiah,  "  but  it  would  be  all  right  if  it  wuz 
run  by  a  man  like  me ;  a  Methodist  in  full  standin',  and  one 
of  the  most  enlightened  and  Christian  men  of  the  times." 

But  I  lifted  my  hand  in  a  warnin'  way  and  sez,  "  Stop, 
Josiah  Allen,  to  once !  such  talk  is  imperialism,  and  you  know 
I  am  sot  like  a  rock  aginst  that.  Imperialism  is  as  much  out 
of  place  in  a  republic  as  a  angel  in  a  glue  factory." 

Well,  I  am  in  hopes  that  ten  thousand  milds  of  travel  will 
jolt  some  idees  out  of  his  mind. 

Being  in  Shanghai  over  Sunday,  we  attended  service  held 
by  a  missionary.  It  wuz  a  beautiful  service  which  we  all 
enjoyed.  The  words  of  this  good  Christian  man  in  prayer 
and  praise  sounded  to  our  ears  as  sweet  as  the  sound  of 
waters  in  a  desert  land.  Over  a  hundred  wuz  present,  and 
after  service  the  pulpit  wuz  moved  off  and  several  wuz  bap 
tized  in  water  jest  as  they  do  in  America. 

The  rich  and  poor  seem  to  live  side  by  side  more  than 
they  do  in  our  country,  and  rich  merchants  live  over  their 
shops;  mebby  it  is  to  protect  them  from  the  Feng  Shui, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    2T3 

for  if  that  gits  on  track  of  a  rich  man  a  great  part  of  his 
wealth  is  appropriated  by  the  government;  it  very  often 
borrys  their  money — or  what  it  calls  borryin'. 

Shanghai  wuz  the  first  place  where  I  see  men  carryin' 
fans.  When  they're  not  fannin'  themselves  they  put  the 
fan  at  the  back  of  their  neck,  for  a  ornament  I  guess. 

Josiah  made  a  note  in  his  pocket  diary :  "  Mem — To  git 
a  fan  the  day  after  I  git  home,  to  carry  it  to  Jonesville  to 
meetin',  to  fan  myself  with  it  on  the  way  there  before  Elde.r 
Minkley  and  Brother  Henzy.  Mem — A  red  and  yaller  one." 
But  of  this  fan  bizness  more  anon. 

There  are  not  many  wimmen  in  the  streets  here.  The 
poorer  class  of  Chinese  let  their  feet  grow  to  the  natural 
size ;  it  is  only  the  aristocracy  who  bind  up  their  feet. 

But  my  mission  to  the  Empress  wore  on  me.  I  felt  that 
I  must  not  delay  seekin'  a  augience.  And,  as  it  happened, 
or  no,  not  happened — it  wuz  to  be — one  day  whilst  Josiah 
and  Arvilly  and  Tommy  and  I  wuz  walkin'  in  a  beautiful 
garden,  the  rest  of  the  party  bein'  away  on  another  tower 
after  pleasure  and  instruction,  Josiah  and  Tommy  had  gone 
to  see  the  fish  in  a  fountain  a  little  ways  off,  and  Arvilly  wuz 
some  distance  away,  when  all  of  a  sudden  I  heard  a  by 
stander  say  in  a  low,  awe-struck  voice,  "  There  is  the  Em 
press." 

She  wuz  walkin'  through  the  garden  with  two  ladies- 
in-waiting,  and  a  elegant  carriage  wuz  goin'  slow  a  little 
ways  off,  givin'  her  a  chance  for  excercise,  I  spoze.  She  wuz 
dressed  in  a  long,  colored  silk  night-gown — or  it  wuz  shaped 
like  one — though  they  wear  'em  day  times,  all  embroidered 
and  glitterin'  with  precious  stuns.  She  didn't  have  her  crown 
on- — mebby  it  wuz  broke  and  away  to  be  fixed — but  her 
hair  wuz  combed  dretful  slick  and  stuck  full  of  jewelled  pins 
and  stars,  etc.  I  knowed  her  by  her  picture,  and  also  by 
my  feelin's,  and  I  sez  to  myself,  Now  is  the  time  for  me  to 
onburden  myself  of  the  important  mission  that  had  been 
layin'  so  heavy  on  my  chist.  Yes,  Duty's  apron  strings  jest 


214     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

drawed  me  right  up  in  front  of  her,  and  I  advanced,  holdin' 
out  my  hand  in  as  friendly  a  way  as  if  she  had  come  for  a 
all-day's  visit  to  me  in  Jonesville.  Her  ladies-in-waitin' 
kinder  fell  back,  and  as  I  advanced  I  bowed  real  low — as 
low  as  I  dasted  to,  for  I  felt  that  I  wouldn't  have  ketched 
my  feet  in  the  facin'  of  my  dress  and  fell  down  at  that  time 
for  a  dollar  bill.  She's  smart;  she  recognized  my  lofty 
sperit,  and  her  greetin'  wuz  considerable  cordial,  though  held 
back  by  her  Chinese  education. 

Sez  I,  "  Empress  Si  Ann  (I  d'no  but  I  ort  to  call  her 
Sarah  Ann,  that's  probable  her  name  docked  off  by  her  folks 
to  pet  her.  But  I  thought  I  wouldn't  meddle  with  a  pet 
name ;  I'd  call  her  Si  Ann). 

Sez  I,  "  I  set  out  from  Jonesville  with  a  important  mes 
sage  for  you,  and  I've  bore  it  over  the  ocean  on  a  tower  and 
now  I  lay  it  at  your  feet." 

I  here  paused  to  give  her  a  chance  to  wonder  what  it 
wruz,  and  get  some  excited,  then  I  went  on,  "  I  felt  that  I 
must  see  you  on  my  own  account  and  Josiah's  and  the  na 
tion's,  and  tell  you  not  to,  oh,  not  to  lay  that  Piece  Confer 
ence  to  us.  I  have  laid  awake  nights  worryin'  about  it,  for 
fear  you'd  think  that  Josiah  and  I,  bein'  prominent  Ameri 
cans,  had  jined  in  and  wuz  tryin'  to  cut  China  to  pieces.  But 
we  hadn't  a  thing  to  do  with  it." 

I  meant  to  keep  Josiah  in  the  background,  knowin'  the 
Chinese  aversion  to  mix  up  the  sects  in  company,  but  he'd 
come  back  and  he  had  to  put  in  his  oar  here  and  sez  he, 
"  No,  they  couldn't  git  me  to  jine  'em.  I  wuz  down  with 
a  crick  at  the  time  and  Samantha  had  to  nuss  me.  We  had 
our  hands  full  and  we  couldn't  have  jined  'em  anyway,"  he 
sez. 

I  wunk  at  him  and  stepped  on  his  toe,  but  nothin'  could 
stop  him,  and  he  went  on,  "  I  wouldn't  have  jined  'em  any 
way,  Miss  Hein  Fong,  I  wouldn't  treat  a  neighbor  so." 

"  Neighbor?  "  sez  she  wonderin'ly. 
'  Yes,"  sez  he,  "  you  know  our  land  jines  on  the  undef 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    215 

side.  China  jines  my  paster  in  the  middle,  though  owin'  to 
the  way  our  land  lays  we  can't  neighbor  much,  and,"  sez 
he,  "  you're  enough  sight  better  neighbors  than  some  I've 
got,  your  folks  are  old  settlers  and  have  always  tended  to 
their  own  bizness  and  kep'  their  cattle  and  hens  to  hum, 
which  is  more  than  I  can  say  for  all  the  neighbors  whose 
land  jines  mine." 

But  I  could  see  that  the  ladies-in-waitin'  wuz  oneasy  at 
havin'  a  man  talkin'  to  'em  so  free  and  I  kinder  advanced  in 
front  of  him  and  sez : 

"  Josiah  and  I  wuz  dretful  tickled  with  the  idee  at  first 
when  we  spozed  that  conference  meant  real  p-e-a-c-e  and 
tryin'  to  bring  the  most  beautiful  gift  of  God  and  joy  of 
heaven  nigher  to  earth.  Why,  it  jest  riz  us  right  up,  we  felt 
so  highly  tickled  with  it.  But  when  we  see  'em  begin  to 
spell  it  p-i-e-c-e,  and  quarrel  over  the  pieces,  why,  then  we 
turned  right  agin  'em.  Why,  good  land !  even  if  it  wuz  right, 
Josiah  has  got  all  the  land  he  wants  to  work  and  more  too, 
and  as  I  tell  him,  what  is  the  use  of  him  or  the  nation  havin' 
a  great  lot  of  land  to  stand  idle  and  pay  taxes  on,  and  keep 
a  gang  of  hired  men  to  watch.  Men  and  nations  can  git 
land  poor,  I  believe." 

I  see  she  liked  what  I  said  about  the  Peace  Commission, 
but  I  wuz  afraid  she  didn't  git  my  idee  jest  right,  so  I  sez,  "  I 
believe  in  the  first  on't  the  Zar's  idee  come  right  down  from 
heaven,  filtered  into  his  comprehension  mebby  through  a 
woman's  apprehension.  But  you  know  how  it  is,  Si  Ann,  in 
the  berry  lot  now  if  there  are  bushes  hangin'  full  of  big  ones 
jest  over  the  fence  and  somebody  else  is  gittin'  'em  all,  you 
kinder  want  to  jine  in  and  git  some  on  'em  yourself,  though 
you  may  be  a  perfesser  and  singin'  a  Sam  tune  at  the  time, 
specially  if  the  fence  is  broke  down  that  separates  you.  I 
can  see  how  it  wuz  with  that  Piece  Commission  and  make 
allowances  for  'em,  but  we  didn't  have  a  thing  to  do  with 
it  and  we  don't  want  any  of  the  pieces."  My  axent  carried 
conviction  with  it;  I  see  she  looked  relieved.  She  didn't 


216     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

say  it  right  out,  but  I  felt  that  we  hadn't  fell  in  her  estima 
tion,  and  I  went  on: 

"  And  I  don't  want  you  to  blame  Uncle  Sam  either,  Si 
Ann.  I  believe  he  will  help  you  all  he  can,  help  you  in  the 
right  way,  too ;  help  you  to  help  yourselves.  But  your  folks 
have  got  to  brace  up  and  do  their  part;  Uncle  Sam  will 
neighbor  with  you  if  you  give  him  a  chance.  He's  real 
good-hearted,  though  bein'  so  easy  and  good-natered,  he 
is  deceived  lots  of  times  and  influenced  and  led  around  by 
them  that  want  to  make  money  out  of  him,  such  as  the  trusts 
and  the  liquor  power.  But  he  stands  ready  to  neighbor  with 
you,  and  don't  turn  your  back  on  him,  Si  Ann.  Don't  do 
anything  to  get  him  huffy,  for  though  he  hain't  quick  to  git 
mad,  he's  got  a  temper  when  it's  rousted  up." 

She  said  sunthin'  about  Uncle  Sam  turnin'  her  folks  out 
and  not  lettin'  'em  step  their  feet  on  our  sile.  I  couldn't 
deny  it,  and  it  kinder  danted  me  for  a  minute  how  I  wuz 
goin'  to  smooth  that  over,  but  concluded  that  as  in  every 
other  emergency  in  life,  the  plain  truth  wuz  the  best,  and 
I  sez  in  a  real  amiable  voice : 

"  Si  Ann,  there  is  two  sides  to  that  jest  as  there  is  to 
every  national  and  neighborhood  quarrel.  Uncle  Sam  hain't 
liked  the  way  your  folks  have  acted  with  him,  and  though 
I  dare  presoom  to  say  he's  some  to  biame,  yet  I  can  see 
where  your  folks  have  missed  it.  They  would  flock  right 
over  to  our  place,  crowdin'  our  own  folks  out  of  house  and 
home,  and  expect  Uncle  Sam  to  protect  'em,  and  then  they 
would  jest  rake  and  scrape  all  they  could  offen  us  and  go 
home  to  spend  their  money;  wouldn't  even  leave  one  of  their 
bones  in  our  ground.  They  didn't  want  to  become  citizens 
of  the  United  States,  they  seemed  to  kinder  want  to  set 
down  and  stand  up  at  the  same  time,  which  hain't  reason 
able  if  it  is  done  by  an  American  or  a  Chinee." 

She  said  sunthin'  about  the  masses  of  other  foreigners 
that  Uncle  Sam  allowed  to  crowd  into  our  country. 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  they're  willin'  to  become  citizens,  the 


German  and  English  and  Irish  and  Russian  and  Italian  ba 
bies  grow  up  Americans.  But  it  wuzn't  so  with  your  folks, 
Si  Ann.  From  the  children's  little  pig-tails  down  to  their 
little  wooden  shues  they  wuz  clear  China,  soaked  in,  dyed  in 
the  wool,  born  so,  and  as  long  as  their  bones  hung  together 
and  afterwards,  clear  China.  They  kep'  themselves  jest  as 
fur  from  American  institutions  and  beliefs  as  ile  stays  away 
from  water  and  wouldn't  mix  any  more.  Their  bodies  stayed 
on  our  shores  whilst  they  could  make  money  out  of  us. 
But  their  souls  and  minds  wuz  jest  as  fur  removed  from  our 
institutions  and  constitutions  as  if  they  wuz  settin'  in  Jupiter 
with  their  legs  hangin'  off.  It  wuz  galdin'  to  Uncle  Sam 
and  finally  he  had  to  stop  it.  But  he  didn't  do  it  out  of 
meanness.  He  jest  had  to,  for  of  course  you  know  your  own 
folks  come  first." 

And  thinkin'  mebby  I'd  been  too  hash  describin'  her 
folks  I  went  on,  "  I  spoze  mebby  that  high  stun  wall  of 
yourn  has  kinder  stiffened  and  hardened  the  nature  of  your 
folks  and  made  it  harder  for  'em  to  change.  But  you're 
on  the  right  track  now,  Si  Ann,  you  have  begun  to  break 
down  that  big  wall,  you've  begun  to  be  more  neighborly. 
And  don't  you  ever  crouch  down  and  hide  behind  that  great 
stun  wall  agin ;  you  jest  keep  right  on  bein'  neighborly  and 
Uncle  Sam  will  help  you." 

Si  Ann  looked  real  good  and  as  if  she  took  every  word 
I  said  in  good  part ;  bein'  naterally  so  smart  she  would  recog 
nize  the  onselfishness  and  nobility  of  my  mission,  but  I  see 
that  there  wuz  a  real  pert  look  on  one  of  the  ladies'  faces 
as  she  said  sunthin'  to  one  of  the  other  ones,  and  I  mis 
trusted  that  they  didn't  like  what  I  had  said  about  that  wall 
of  theirn,  and  I  went  on  to  say  to  Si  Ann : 

"  Of  course  you  may  say  that  a  nation  or  a  woman  has 
a  right  to  do  as  they've  a  mind  to,  but  common  sense  must 
be  used  if  you  are  goin'  to  enjoy  yourself  much  in  this 
world.  Now,  we  had  a  neighbor  in  Jonesville  that'  sot  out 
in  married  life  determined  not  to  borrow  or  lend,  dretful  ex- 


218     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

elusive,  jest  built  a  high  wall  of  separation  round  herself 
and  family.  But  after  tryin'  it  for  a  year  or  so  she  wuz  glad 
to  give  it  up,  and  many  is  the  cup  of  tea  and  sugar  I've  lent 
her  since,  and  she  borries  and  lends  her  washtub  now  or  biler, 
or  settin'  hens,  or  anythin'.  And  she  sez  that  she  and  her 
family  takes  as  much  agin'  comfort  now  and  are  doin'  as 
well  agin',  for  of  course  the  neighbors  didn't  set  so  much 
store  by  'em  as  they  did  when  their  ports  wuz  open,  as  you 
may  say,  and  they  wuz  more  neighborly." 

I  could  see  by  Si  Ann's  face  that  she  not  only  enjoyed 
all  I  said,  but  believed  a  good  share  on't,  and  bein'  such  a 
case  for  justice,  I  felt  that  I  ort  to  let  her  know  I  realized  our 
own  nation's  short-comin's,  as  well  as  'hern.  Sez  I,  "  I  hain't 
got  a  word  to  say  to  you,  Si  Ann,  about  the  different  castes 
in  your  country,  when  the  wimmen  in  my  own  land  build 
up  a  wall  between  themselves  and  their  kitchen  helpers  higher 
than  the  highest  peak  of  your  stun  wall  and  hardier  to  git 
over,  and  I  don't  want  to  say  a  word  about  your  folks  bindin' 
down  their  children's  feet  to  make  'em  small  as  long  as 
our  own  females  pinch  down  their  waists  till  they're  in  per 
fect  agony  and  ten  times  as  bad  as  to  pinch  their  feet,  for 
the  life,  the  vital  organs  don't  lay  in  the  feet,  or  hain't  spozed 
to,  and  so  it  don't  hurt  'em  half  so  much  to  be  tortured. 
And  as  long  as  they  drag  round  yards  of  silk  and  velvet 
through  the  streets  to  rake  up  filth  and  disease  to  carry 
home  and  endanger  their  own  lives  and  their  families ;  no,  as 
long  as  our  females  do  all  this  I  hain't  nothin'  to  say  about 
your  dress  and  customs  here,  nor  I  hain't  a  goin'  to  cast 
reflections  agin  you  about  your  men  wearin'  night  gowns 
and  braidin'  their  hair  down  their  backs.  Good  land,  Si  Ann ! 
you  and  I  know  what  men  be.  We  are  married  wimmen 
and  seen  trouble.  You  couldn't  stop  'em  if  you  tried 
to.  If  Josiah  Allen  took  it  into  his  head  to  braid 
his  hair  down  his  back,  I  should  have  to  let  it  go  on 
unless  I'  broke  it  up  sarahuptishly  by  cuttin'  it  off  when  he 
wuz  asleep,  but  thank  fortin'  he  hain't  got  enough  so  that 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    219 

the  braid  would  be  bigger  than  a  pipe  stale  anyway  if  he 
should  let  it  grow  out,  and  he  is  so  dressy  he  wouldn't  like 
that.  But  I've  tried  to  break  up  his  wearin'  such  gay  neck 
ties  for  years  and  years,  and  if  he  should  go  out  and  buy 
one  to-day  it  would  most  likely  be  red  and  yaller." 

I  felt  that  China  hadn't  been  used  exactly  right;  I 
knowed  it.  Younger  nations — new-comers,  as  you  may  say 
— had  made  light  on  her  and  abused  her,  usin'  the  very 
type  the  Chinese  had  invented  to  say  they  didn't  know  any 
thing  and  usin'  the  gunpowder  they  had  invented  to  blow 
'em  up  with.  I  had  felt  that  the  Powers  hadn't  treated  'em 
well,  and  I  had  made  up  my  mind  some  time  ago  that  when 
I  see  the  Powers  I  should  tell  'em  what  I  thought  on't.  Then 
there  wuz  the  opium  trade — a  burnin'  shame!  I  wanted  to 
sympathize  with  her  about  that,  but  thought  mebby  it  wuz 
best  to  not  harrer  up  her  feelin's  any  more,  so  I  sez  in  a  real 
polite  way: 

"  I  have  nothin'  further  to  say  now,  Si  Ann,  only  to  bid 
you  adoo  and  to  tell  you  that  if  you  ever  come  to  Jonesville 
be  sure  and  come  and  see  me;  I'll  be  proud  and  happy  to 
have  you." 

Here  Josiah  had  to  put  in  his  note :  "  Good-by,  Widder !  " 
sez  he.  If  I  had  had  time  I  would  have  tutored  him;  he 
spoke  just  as  he  would  to  widder  Gowdey.  I  wanted  him 
to  act  more  courtly  and  formal,  but  it  wuz  too  late,  it  wuz 
spoke.  "  Good-by,  Widder ;  we'll  have  to  be  a-goin'.  We've 
had  quite  a  spell  of  weather,  but  it  looks  some  like  rain  now, 
and  I  have  a  important  engagement  to-night,  and  we'll  have 
to  be  gittin'  hum." 

But  I  gently  withdrawed  him,  bowin'  very  low  myself 
and  lookin'  dretful  smilin'  at  her. 

Like  all  great  monarchs,  she  wanted  to  make  her  visitors 
a  present,  and  she  proposed  to  send  us  several  drawin's  of  tea 
of  the  kind  she  used,  and  a  little  hunk  of  opium,  though,  as 
I  told  her,  I  should  never  use  it  in  the  world  only  to  smoke  in 
a  pipe  for  the  toothache;  and  she  also  proposed  to  send  us 


220     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

a  china  sugar-bowl  and  a  piece  of  the  Chinee  wall,  which 
last  I  told  her  I  should  value  high  as  a  sign  that  the  old 
things  wuz  passin'  away  and  better  days  comin'. 

And  then  I  made  some  more  real  low  bows  and  Josiah 
did,  bein'  wunk  at  by  me,  and  we  withdrawed  ourselves  from 
the  Presence.  But  Josiah,  always  overdoin'  things,  takin' 
out  his  bandanna  and  a-wavin'  it  towards  her  as  he  bowed 
most  to  the  ground.  But  what  wuz  my  surprise  as  we  walked 
away  kinder  backward,  Josiah  mutterin'  to  me  that  he  should 
fall  flat  if  he  backed  off  much  furder !  What  wuz  my  horrow 
to  see  Arvilly  advance  with  a  copy  of  her  books  and  present 
'em  to  the  Empress.  One  of  the  ladies-in-waiting,  who 
seemed  to  talk  English  quite  considerable,  looked  at  the 
books  and  read  their  titles  to  her  Majesty,  who  immediately 
signified  her  desire  to  purchase  'em,  and  before  she  left  the 
group  Arvilly  had  sold  three  copies  of  the  "  Twin  Crimes  " 
and  two  of  the  "  Wild  and  Warlike." 

Poor  Empress !  Poor  Si  Ann  !  Well  might  she  treasure 
the  last-named  book,  "  The  Wild,  Wicked  and  Warlike 
Deeds  of  Men."  Poor  thing !  I  am  afraid  she  will  see  plenty 
of  it  herself.  Them  Powers,  sometimes,  when  they  git  to 
goin',  act  like  the  Old  Harry. 


CHAPTER    XX 

[HE  engagement  my  pardner  had  spoke  on  wuz 
to  meet  a  Chinaman  that  wuz  comin'  to  see 
Robert  Strong  that  evenin'.  Robert  had  met 
him  in  California,  and  Josiah  seemed  dretful 
anxious  to  git  home  so  as  to  dress  up  for  his 
reception.  And  I  sez,  "  There  is  time  enough ;  I  shouldn't 
think  it  would  take  you  more  than  two  hours  to  wash  your 
hands  and  change  your  neck-tie." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  in  a  evasive  way,  "  I — I  don't  want  to  be 
scrimped  for  time." 

So,  as  Tommy  and  I  wanted  to  stop  along  on  the  way, 
he  left  us  and  went  home.  Robert  had  told  us  a  good  deal 
about  this  man,  Mr.  Hi-wal-hum ;  about  his  wealth  and  high 
official  standing,  and  Josiah  had  been  talkin'  more  or  less 
about  him  all  day;  he  looked  forrered  to  it.  He  had  said 
to  me :  "  Samantha,  this  man  is  a  Potentate,  and  it  stands  us 
in  hand  to  be  polite  always  to  Potentates." 

Well,  I  couldn't  dispute  him  nor  didn't  want  to.  When 
we  arriv  home  I  thought  I  would  have  jest  about  time  to  go  to 
my  room  and  wash  my  face  and  hands  and  put  on  a  clean 
collar  and  cuffs  and  change  Tommy's  clothes.  Tommy  went 
on  a  little  ahead  of  me,  and  I  see  him  bend  down  and  stretch 
his  little  neck  forrered  and  look  through  the  door  as  if  he 
wuz  agast  at  some  sight.  And  as  I  come  up  he  put  his  little 
fingers  on  his  lips,  as  I  spoze  he'd  seen  me  do,  and  whispered : 
"  Keep  still,  Grandma ;  I  don't  know  what  Grandpa  is  doin'." 

I  looked  over  his  shoulder  and  thought  to  myself  I  should 
think  as  much,  I  should  think  he  wouldn't  know.  There 
stood  Josiah  Allen  before  the  glass  and  of  all  the  sights  I 
ever  see  his  dress  went  ahead.  He  had  got  on  a  red  woolen 


222     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

underskirt  and  his  dressin'  gown  over  it  kinder  floated  back 
from  it,  and  he  had  took  out  of  my  trunk  a  switch  of  hair 
that  Tirzah  Ann  had  put  in,  thinkin'  mebby  I  would  want 
to  dress  my  head  different  in  foreign  countries;  I  hadn't 
wore  it  at  all,  and  it  wuz  clear  in  the  bottom  of  my  trunk, 
but  he  had  got  at  it  somehow  and  had  fastened  it  onto  his 
head,  and  it  hung  down  his  back  and  ended  with  a  big  broad, 
red  ribbin  bow;  it  was  one  of  Tommy's  neck-ties.  And  he'd 
got  all  my  jewelry — every  mite  on't — and  had  fastened  it 
onto  him  on  different  places,  and  all  of  Tommy's  ribbins  to 
tie  his  collar  with,  wuz  made  into  bows  and  pinned  onto  him, 
and  my  C.  E.  badge  and  W.  C.  T.  U.  bow  of  white  ribbin, 
and  he  had  got  my  big  palm  leaf  fan  and  had  tied  a  big,  red 
bow  on't,  and  he  wuz  standin'  before  the  glass  fannin'  him 
self  and  cranin'  his  neck  one  way  and  tother  to  see  how  he 
looked  and  admire  himself,  I  spoze.  And  anon  he  tried  to 
put  the  fan  over  his  right  ear.  The  idee!  a  palm  leaf  fan 
that  wouldn't  shet.  And  he  spoke  out  to  himself : 

"  No,  I  can't  do  that,  but  I  can  be  fannin'  myself,  all  the 
time  fannin'  and  bowin'."  And  then  he  stepped  forrerd  to 
wards  the  glass  and  made  a  bow  so  low  that  his  switch 
flopped  over  and  ketched  on  the  rocker  of  a  chair  and  he 
couldn't  move  either  way  without  jerkin'  his  braid  off. 

"  Goodness  gracious !  "  I  hearn  him  say,  "  I  never  yet 
tried  to  be  genteel  without  its  being  broke  up  some  way," 
and  he  gin  a  jerk  and  left  his  switch  on  the  floor.  He  took 
it  up  tenderly  and  smoothed  it  out  and  wuz  tryin'  to  attach 
it  to  his  head  agin.  It  wuz  fastened  on  by  a  red  ribbin 
comin'  up  over  his  head  and  tied  on  top.  But  at  that  minute 
he  ketched  sight  of  me  and  he  looked  some  meachin',  but  he 
begun  immegiately  pourin'  our  profuse  reasons  for  his  cos- 
toom  and  manners. 

Sez  he,  "  You  know,  Robert  wants  us  to  meet  that  high 
official,  and  I  felt  that  it  would  help  our  relations  with  China 
if  I  should  dress  up  China  fashion." 

Sez  I,  "  It  will  help  one  of  your  relations  if  you'll  take  off 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81 AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     223 

that  red  petticoat  of  hern,  and  ribbins  and  cameos  and  badges 
and  things." 

Sez  he,  "  I  am  doin'  this  for  political  reasons,  Samantha, 
and  can't  be  hampered  by  domestic  reasons  and  ignorance." 
And  he  kep'  on  tyin'  the  bow  on  his  foretop. 

Sez  I,  "  For  the  sake  of  your  children  and  grandchildren 
won't  you  desist  and  not  put  'em  to  shame  and  make  a  laugh- 
in'  stock  of  yourself  before  Miss  Meechim  and  Arvilly  and 
all  the  rest  ?  " 

"  I  shall  do  my  duty,  Samantha,"  sez  he,  and  he  pulled 
out  the  ribbin  of  the  bow,  so  that  it  sot  out  some  like  a 
turban  over  his  forward.  "  Of  course  I  look  very  dressy 
and  pretty  in  this  costoom,  but  that  is  not  my  reason  for 
wearin'  it ;  you  and  Arvilly  are  always  talking  about  political 
men  who  don't  come  up  to  the  mark  and  do  their  duty  by 
their  constituents.  I  am  a  very  influential  man,  Samantha, 
and  there  is  no  tellin'  how  much  good  I  shall  do  my  coun 
try  this  day,  and  the  sneers  of  the  multitude  shall  not  deter 
me." 

Sez  I,  almost  fearfully,  "  Think  of  the  meetin'  house, 
Josiah,  where  you're  a  deacon  and  looked  up  to;  what  will 
they  say  to  hear  of  this,  passin'  yourself  off  for  a  Chinaman ; 
dressin'  up  in  petticoats  and  red  ribbins !  " 

Sez  he,  cranin'  his  neck  round  to  see  the  bow  hangin' 
down  his  back,  "  Our  old  forefathers  went  through  worse 
trials  than  this  when  they  eat  their  cartridge  boxes  and  friz 
themselves  at  Valley  Forge,"  and  he  fingered  some  of  them 
bows  and  ornaments  on  his  breast  agin  with  a  vain,  con 
ceited  smirk  of  satisfaction.  I  wuz  at  my  wits'  end ;  I  glanced 
at  the  door;  there  wuz  no  lock  on  it;  what  should  I  do? 
Religion  and  common  sense  wouldn't  move  him,  and  as  for 
my  sharpest  weepon — good  vittles — here  I  wuz  hampered, 
I  couldn't  cook  'em  for  him,  what  could  I  do? 

Sez  he  agin,  "  I  only  do  this  for  patriotism ;  I  sacrifice 
myself  on  the  altar  of  my  country,"  and  he  fanned  himself 
gracefully,  lookin'  sarahuptishly  into  the  glass. 


224     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  growin'  calm  as  I  thought  of  a  forlorn 
hope,  "  mebby  it  is  best,  Josiah,  and  I  hain't  a-goin'  to  be 
outdone  by  you  in  patriotism.  I  too  will  sacrifice  myself." 
And  I  proceeded  to  comb  my  hair  with  a  firm  look  on  my 
face.  He  looked  alarmed. 

"What  do  you  mean,  Samantha?"  sez  he. 

"  I  won't  let  you  go  ahead  of  me  in  sacrificing  yourself, 
Josiah.  No,  I  will  go  fur  ahead  of  what  you  or  anybody 
else  would  do ;  it  will  most  probable  kill  me,  but  I  shall  not 
falter." 

"What  is  it,  Samantha?"  sez  he,  droppin'  the  fan  and 
approachin'  me  with  agitated  mean.  "  What  are  you  goin' 
to  do?  If  it  is  to  throw  yourself  in  front  of  any  idol  and 
perish,  I  will  save  you  if  I  shed  the  last  drop  of  blood  in  my 
system ! " 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  you  could  do  great  bizness  in  savin'  me, 
togged  out  as  you  are,  made  helpless  by  your  own  folly;  but," 
sez  I,  in  a  holler,  awful  axent,  "  it  hain't  that,  Josiah;  it  is  fur 
worse  than  losin'  my  life;  that  wouldn't  be  nothin'  in  com 
parison." 

He  looked  white  as  a  piller  case.  Sez  he :  "  Tell  me  to 
once  what  you  lay  out  to  do." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  if  you  must  know,  I  spoze  that  it  might 
help  our  relations  with  China  if  I  should  part  with  you  and 
wed  a  China  potentate.  It  would  kill  me  and  be  bad  for 
the  potentate,  but  if  your  country's  welfare  is  at  stake,  if  it 
would  help  our  relations  I " 

"  Let  the  relations  go  to  Jericho,  Samantha !  every  one 
on  'em,  and  the  Potentates !  every  one  on  'em !  "  and  he 
kicked  off  them  robes  quicker  than  I  can  tell  the  tale. 

Sez  I,  "  Josiah,  you  needn't  tear  every  rag  you've  got  on ; 
take  'em  off  quietly."  He'd  put  'em  on  over  his  own  clothes. 
He  obeyed  me  implicitly,  and  sez  he  anxiously,  as  he  laid  'em 
all  on  the  bed : 

"  You've  gin  up  the  idee,  hain't  you,  Samantha?  " 

Sez  I,  "  I  have  for  the  present,  Josiah,  I  wuz  only  doin' 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     225 

it  to  emulate  your  sacrifice;  if  you  don't  sacrifice  yourself 
any  further,  I  shan't." 

He  hadn't  been  so  good  to  me  for  sometime  as  he  wuz 
for  the  rest  of  that  day.  I  only  done  it  to  stop  his  display, 
and  my  conscience  hain't  been  quite  at  rest  ever  sence  about 
it,  but  then  a  woman  has  to  work  headwork  to  keep  her 
pardner  within  bounds.  I  wuzn't  goin'  to  have  him  make 
a  fool  of  himself  before  Arvilly  and  Miss  Meechim.  Arvilly 
would  never  let  him  hearn  the  end  on't  nor  me  nuther. 

Well,  we  met  the  potentate  in  our  own  clothes  and  he 
met  us  in  his  own  clothes,  jest  as  he  and  we  had  a  right  to. 
He  wuz  a  real  sensible  man,  so  Robert  Strong  said,  and  he 
understood  a  good  deal  of  his  talk  and  ort  to  know. 

Well,  from  Shanghai  we  sailed  for  Hongkong  and  then 
embarked  for  Point  de  Galle  on  the  island  of  Ceylon,  ex- 
pectin'  to  stop  on  the  way  at  Saigon  in  Cochin-China  and 
Singapore. 

It  wuz  dretful  windy  and  onpleasant  at  first.  It  is  much 
pleasanter  to  read  about  a  monsoon  in  Jonesville  with  your 
feet  on  a  base  burner  than  to  experience  one  on  a  steamer. 
Everything  swayed  and  tipped  and  swung,  that  could,  even 
to  our  stomachs.  We  only  made  a  short  stop  at  Saigon — 
a  hotter  place  I  wuz  never  in.  I  thought  of  the  oven  in  our 
kitchen  range  and  felt  that  if  Philury  wuz  bakin'  bread  and 
meat  and  beans  and  got  into  the  oven  to  turn  'em,  she  knew 
a  little  about  the  climate  we  wuz  enjoying. 

As  we  ascended  the  river  our  ship  got  a  little  too  near  the 
shore  and  kinder  run  its  prow  into  a  jungle  where  the  mon 
keys  hung  from  the  tree-tops  and  made  fun  of  us,  I  spoze, 
mad  at  our  invadin'  their  domain  and  wanted  us  to  pay,  'ten- 
nyrate  the  muskeeters  sent  in  their  bills,  sharp  ones.  Saigon 
is  a  pretty  place  set  in  its  tropical  scenery;  it  has  eighty  or 
ninety  thousand  inhabitants  and  belongs  to  France.  The 
natives  are  small  and  slower  than  time  in  the  primer. 

Singapore  is  an  island  in  the  straits  of  Malacca  and  is 
twenty-four  milds  long  and  fourteen  wide;  it  is  a  British 
15 


226     ABOUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

province  ruled  by  native  princes  under  the  Queen.  Here 
the  days  and  nights  are  of  equal  length  and  it  rains  about 
every  day;  it  has  a  mixed  population,  Chinamen,  Malays, 
Europeans  and  a  few  Americans,  mebby  a  hundred  thousand 
in  all. 

We  didn't  stay  long  here,  but  rode  out  in  what  they  called 
a  Jherry  lookin'  like  a  dry  goods  box  drawed  by  a  couple  of 
ponies. 

Josiah  sez  to  me,  "  I  am  glad  that  the  Malay  coolers  wear 
a  little  more  than  the  Japans."  And  the  coolies  here  did 
wear  besides  their  red  loin  cloth  a  narrer  strip  of  white  cot 
ton  cloth  hangin'  over  their  left  shoulders.  Our  hotel  wuz 
a  very  comfortable  one ;  it  consisted  of  several  buildin's  two 
stories  high  connected  by  covered  halls;  it  wuz  surrounded 
by  handsome  trees  and  beautiful  ornamental  shrubbery  and 
flowers. 

The  wide  verandas  wuz  very  pleasant,  with  their  bamboo 
chairs  and  couches  and  little  tables  where  you  could  have  tea 
served.  Birds  of  the  most  beautiful  plumage  soared  and 
sung  in  the  trees,  and  butterflies  that  looked  like  flowers  on 
wings  fluttered  about.  You  can't  tell  men  from  wimmen 
by  their  clothes.  They  all  wear  earrings  and  bracelets  and 
nose-rings.  Josiah  sez  to  me : 

"  I  have  always  said,  Samantha,  that  men  didn't  dress 
gay  enough;  a  few  bracelets  and  breastpins  and  earrings 
would  add  to  a  man's  looks  dretfully,  and  I  mean  to  set  the 
fashion  in  Jonesville.  It  would  take  ten  years  offen  my  age. 
Jest  see  how  proud  the  men  walk;  they  feel  that  they're 
dressed  up;  it  gives  'em  a  lofty  look." 

The  men  did  seem  to  have  a  different  gait  from  the  fe 
males;  the  wimmen  looked  more  meek  and  meachin.  We 
didn't  stay  long  in  Saigon,  but  we  visited  the  Whampoo 
garders  and  found  that  they  were  perfectly  beautiful,  made 
by  Mr.  Whampoo,  a  rich  Chinaman.  There  wuz  fifty  acres 
under  most  perfect  cultivation.  Here  the  Chinese  fad  of 
dwarfing  and  training  trees  wuz  carried  to  perfection;  there 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     227 

wuz  trees  trained  into  all  sorts  of  shapes.  One  wuz  a  cov 
ered  carriage  about  three  feet  high,  with  a  horse,  all  tree,  but 
natural  as  life;  and  then  there  wuz  pagodas  and  men  and 
wimmen  and  animals  and  birds  all  growin'  and  havin'  to  be 
trimmed  by  the  patient  Chinese  gardener.  The  tree  they 
can  use  best  is  a  evergreen  with  a  little  leaf  and  a  white 
flower  not  much  bigger  than  the  head  of  a  pin.  But  there 
wuz  not  only  every  tropical  tree  you  could  think  on,  palm, 
cocoanut,  nutmeg,  cinnamon,  tea,  coffee,  and  clove  bush,  but 
trees  and  plants  from  every  part  of  the  world,  some  from 
America. 

Here  wuz  a  Victoria  lily  in  its  full  beauty,  the  dark  green 
leaves  edged  with  brown  and  red,  as  big  round  as  our  wash- 
tub,  and  turned  up  on  the  edges  about  two  inches.  Each 
plant  has  one  leaf  and  one  flower.  And  we  see  the  most 
lovely  orchids  here ;  Dorothy  thought  them  the  most  beauti 
ful  of  all.  Well,  in  a  day  or  two  we  sot  out  for  Ceylon's  isle. 

As  we  drew  nigh  to  Ceylon  I  sez  to  Josiah :  "  Did  you 
ever  expect,  Josiah  Allen,  to  feel 

"  '  The  balmy  breezes 

That  blow  from  Ceylon's  Isle 
Where  every  prospect  pleases, 
And  only  man  is  vile?  ' ' 

And  he  sez,  holdin'  on  his  hat,  "  I  shouldn't  call  these 
breezes  very  bammy,  and  you  no  need  to  lay  such  a  powerful 
stress  on  man,  Samantha,  that  term,  rnan,  means  wimmen 
too  in  this  case." 

"  Yes,"  sez  Arvilly,  who  wuz  standin'  nigh,  "  that  term, 
man,  always  includes  wimmen  when  there  is  any  blame  or 
penalty  attached,  but  when  it  sez  '  Man  is  born  free  and 
equal,'  it  means  men  alone." 

"  Yes,"  sez  Josiah,  smilin'  real  pleasant,  "  you've  hap 
pened  to  hit  it  jest  right,  Arvilly." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  do  look  and  enjoy  the  beauty  that  is 


228     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

spread  out  right  before  you."  Our  good  ship  made  its  way 
into  the  harbor  of  Colombo,  through  a  multitude  of  boats 
with  men  of  every  color  and  size  at  their  oars  and  all  gesticu 
lating  and  jabbering  in  axents  as  strange  to  us  as  Jupiter 
talk  would  be.  Some  of  the  boats  wuz  queer  lookin' ;  they  are 
called  dugouts,  and  have  outriggers  for  the  crew  to  set  on. 
They  carry  fruit  and  provision  to  the  steamers  in  the  bay, 
and  take  passengers  to  and  fro. 

Bein'  took  by  one  to  terry  firmy,  we  soon  made  our  way 
through  the  chatterin'  strange  lookin'  crowd  of  every  color 
and  costoom  to  a  tarven  where  we  obtained  food  and  needed 
rest,  and  the  next  morftin'  we  sallied  out  some  as  we  would 
if  we  had  jest  landed  on  the  shores  of  another  planet  to  ex 
plore  a  new  world. 

We  walked  through  the  streets  by  big  gardens  that  seemed 
jest  ablaze  with  color  and  swoonin'  with  perfume.  The  low 
white  houses  wuz  banked  up  with  drifts  of  blossom  and  ver 
dure  as  the  Jonesville  houses  wuz  with  snow  drifts  on  a  win 
ter  day.  Sweet  voiced  birds  in  gayest  plumage  swung1  and 
soared  aloft  instead  of  the  ice-suckles  that  hung  from  the 
eaves  of  Jonesville  houses.  And  instead  of  Ury  clad  in  a 
buffalo  coat  and  striped  wool  mittens  walking  with  icy  whis 
kers  and  frost-bitten  ears  to  break  the  ice  in  the  creek,  wuz 
the  gay  crowd  of  men,  wimmen  and  children  dressed  in  all 
the  rich  colors  of  the  rainbow,  if  they  wuz  dressed  at  all. 
Solid  purple,  yellow,  green,  burnin'  colors  palpitating  with 
light  and  cheer  under  the  warm  breezes  and  glowin'  sun 
shine. 

Sometimes  the  children  wuz  in  jest  the  state  that  Adam 
and  Eve  wuz  when  they  wuz  finished  off  and  pronounced 
good.  Sometimes  a  string  and  a  red  rag  comprised  their 
toilette,  but  they  all  seemed  a  part  of  the  strange  picture, 
the  queer,  mysterious,  onknown  Orient.  The  gorgeous  col- 
orin'  of  the  men's  apparel  struck  Josiah  to  the  heart  agin ;  he 
vowed  that  he  would  show  Jonesville  the  way  for  men  to  dress 
if  he  ever  got  home  agin.  Sez  he,  "  I  will  show  Deacon 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     229 

Henzy  and  Uncle  Sime  Bentley  that  a  man  can  wear  sun- 
thin'  besides  that  everlastin'  black  or  gray."  Sez  he : 

"  I  can  dress  gay  with  small  expense ;  I  can  take  one  of 
your  white  woolen  sheets  and  color  it  with  diamond  dye  a 
bright  red  or  a  green  or  yeller  at  a  outlay  of  ten  cents  per 
sheet,  and  one  of  my  bandannas  will  make  a  crackin'  good 
turban.  Let  me  walk  into  the  Jonesville  meetin'  house  with 
that  gorgeous  drapery  wropped  round  me,  why  I  should  be 
the  lion  of  the  day." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  you  would  break  up  the  congregation  as 
quick  as  a  real  lion  would." 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Samantha,  there  is  beauty  in  such  a 
costoom  that  our  sombry  coats  and  pantaloons  and  vests 
can't  come  nigh  tot" 

I  spoze  Ceylon  is  the  most  beautiful  place  in  the  world, 
such  glow  and  richness  of  color,  such  aboundin'  life  in  the 
verdure,  in  the  animal  and  vegetable  kingdom.  No  wonder 
so  many  think  it  wuz  the  original  Garden  of  Eden ;  no  shov- 
elin'  snow  for  Adam  or  bankin'  up  fruits  and  vegetables  for 
winter's  use.  No,  he  could  step  out  barefoot  in  the  warm 
velvety  grass  in  December,  and  pick  oranges  and  gather 
sweet  potatoes  and  cucumbers,  and  strawberries  if  Eve  took 
it  into  her  head  she  wanted  a  shortcake  pie.  And  little  Cain 
could  cut  up  cane  literally,  and  every  way,  in  January,  and 
Abel  pile  flowers  and  fruit  on  his  altar  all  the  year  round. 
But  I  wonder  which  of  their  descendants  built  these  im 
mense  magnificent  cities  layin'  fur  below  forests  and  billows 
of  turf  and  flowers. 

I  wonder  how  they  looked  and  what  language  they  spoke 
and  what  their  politics  wuz.  Arvilly  thought  they  must 
have  been  temperance  folks.  Sez  she,  "  Any  city  that  has 
reservoirs  twenty  milds  long  believed  in  drinkin'  water." 
We  had  took  a  tower  to  see  one  of  them  dug  up  cities,  and 
sure  enough  the  water  reservoir  wuz  twenty  milds  long; 
jest  think  from  that  what  the  size  of  the  hull  city  must  have 
been,  when  their  waterin'  trough,  as  you  may  say,  wuz  as 


230     AROUKD  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

long  as  America's  biggest  city.  Stately  stairways,  up  which 
twenty  carriages  big  as  our  democrat  could  pass  side  by  side 
if  horses  could  climb  stairs. 

A  row  of  tall  pillers,  ten  milds  in  length,  line  the  roads  to 
some  of  them  cities,  and  I  sez : 

"  Oh,  good  land !  How  I  wish  I  could  be  a  mouse  in  the 
wall  and  see  who  and  what  passed  over  them  roads,  and  why, 
and  when,  and  where." 

And  Josiah  sez,  "  Why  don't  you  say  you  wish  you  wuz 
a  elephant  and  could  look  on?  your  simely  would  seem 
sounder." 

And  I  sez,  "  Mebby  so,  for  hull  rows  of  carved  marble 
elephants  stand  along  them  broad  roads;  I  guess  they  wor 
shipped  'em." 

And  he  sez,  "  I  wuz  alludin'  to  size." 

Robert  Strong  looked  ruther  sad  as  we  looked  on  them 
ruins  buried  so  deep  by  the  shovel  of  time.  But  I  sez  to  him 
in  a  low  voice : 

"  There  is  no  danger  of  the  city  you're  a-rarin'  up  ever 
bein'  engulfed  and  lost,  for  justice  and  mercy  and  love  shine 
jest  as  bright  to-day  as  when  the  earth  was  called  out  of 
chaos.  Love  is  eternal,  immortal,  and  though  worlds  reel 
and  skies  fall,  what  is  immortal  cannot  perish." 

He  looked  real  grateful  at  me ;  he  sets  store  by  me. 

Everywhere,  as  you  walk  through  the  streets,  you  are  im 
portuned  to  buy  sunthin';  some  of  the  finest  jewels  in  the 
world  are  bought  here.  The  merchants  are  dretful  polite, 
bowin'  and  smilin',  their  hair  combed  back  slick  and  fastened 
up  with  shell  combs.  They  wear  white,  short  pantaloons  and 
long  frocks  of  colored  silk,  open  in  front  over  a  red  waist 
coat;  sometimes  they  are  bare-footed  with  rings  on  their 
toes;  they  wear  rings  in  their  nose  and  sometimes  two  on 
each  ear,  at  the  top  and  bottom. 

Josiah  studied  their  costoom  with  happy  interest,  but  a 
deep  shade  of  anxiety  darkened  his  mean  as  they  would 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     231 

spread  out  their  wares  before  me,  and  he  sez  with  a  axent  of 
tender  interest: 

"  If  you  knew,  Samantha,  how  much  more  beautiful  you 
looked  to  me  in  your  cameo  pin  you  would  never  think  of 
appearin'  in  diamonds  and  rubies." 

I  sez,  "  I  guess  I  won't  buy  any  nose-rings,  Josiah,  my 
nose  is  pretty  big  anyway." 

"  Yes,"  he  interrupted  me  eagerly,  "  they  wouldn't  be 
becomin',  Samantha,  and  be  in  the  way  eatin'  sweet  corn 
on  the  ear  and  such." 

There  are  lots  of  men  carryin'  round  serpents,  and  I  sez 
to  Josiah,  "  Who  under  the  sun  would  want  to  buy  a  snake 
unless  they  wuz  crazy?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  Josiah,  "  Eve  made  a  big  mistake  listenin' 
to  that  serpent;  there  probable  wuzn't  but  one  then,  and 
that's  the  way  they  have  jest  overrun  the  garden,  her  payin' 
attention  and  listenin'  to  it.  Females  can't  seem  to  look 
ahead." 

And  I  sez,  "  Why  didn't  Adam  do  as  you  always  do, 
Josiah,  ketch  up  a  stick  and  put  an  end  to  it?  "  I  always  hol 
ler  to  Josiah  if  I  see  a  snake  and  he  makes  way  with  it. 

But  such  talk  is  onprofitable.  But  Josiah  hadn't  a  doubt 
but  this  was  the  Garden  of  Eden  and  talked  fluent  about  it. 

One  odd  thing  here  in  Ceylon  is  that  foxes  have  wings 
and  can  fly.  Josiah  wanted  to  get  one  the  worse  way;  he 
said  that  he  would  willin'ly  carry  it  home  in  his  arms  for  the 
sake  of  havin'  it  fly  round  over  Jonesville,  and  sez  he,  "  They 
are  so  smart,  Samantha,  they  will  git  drunk  jest  as  naterally 
as  men  do,  they  would  feel  to  home  in  America."  And  they 
say  they  do  steal  palm  wine  out  of  bowls  set  to  ketch  it  by 
the  natives  and  are  found  under  the  trees  too  drunk  to  git 
home,  not  havin'  wives  or  children  willin'  to  lead  'em  home,  I 
spoze,  or  accomidatin'  policemen. 

But  I  sez,  "  Don't  you  try  to  git  the  animals  in  America 
to  drinkin',  Josiah  Allen."  Sez  I,  "  I  should  be  mortified  to 
death  to  see  the  old  mair  or  Snip  staggerin'  round  as  men 


232     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

do,  lookin'  maudlin  and  silly;  I  should  despise  the  idee  of 
lowerin'  the  animals  down  to  that  state." 

"  Well,  well,  I  don't  spoze  I  can  git  one  of  these  foxes 
anyway,  though  I  might,"  sez  he  dreamily,  "  git  one  real 
drunk  and  carry  it."  But  I  guess  he'll  gin  it  up. 

The  jungles  all  round  us  wuz,  I  spoze,  rilled  with  wild 
animals.  Elephants,  tigers  and  serpents,  big  and  little,  be 
sides  monkeys  and  more  harmless  ones.  The  snake  charmers 
did  dretful  strange  things  with  'em,  but  I  didn't  look  on.  I 
always  said  that  if  snakes  would  let  me  alone,  I  would  let 
them  alone.  But  they  brought  all  sorts  of  things  to  sell: 
embroideries  of  all  kinds,  carved  ivory,  tortoise  shell  and  all 
kinds  of  jewels.  Paris  and  London  gits  some  of  their  finest 
jewels  here. 

Men  and  wimmen  are  all  bejewelled  from  head  to  foot, 
children  up  to  ten  years  of  age  are  almost  always  naked,  but 
wearin'  bracelets,  anklets  and  silver  belts  round  their  little 
brown  bodies,  sometimes  with  bells  attached.  Some  of  the 
poorer  natives  chew  beetle  nuts  which  make  their  teeth  look 
some  like  an  old  tobacco  chewer's.  They  eat  in  common  out 
of  a  large  bowl  and  I  spoze  they  don't  use  napkins  or  ringer 
bowls.  But  unlike  the  poor  in  our  frozen  winter  cities,  as 
Arvilly  said,  there  is  little  danger  of  their  starving;  warm 
they  will  be  from  year's  end  to  year's  end,  and  the  bread  tree 
and  cocoanut  palm  supply  food,  and  the  traveller's  palm  sup 
plies  a  cool,  delicious  drink.  There  is  one  palm  tree  here — 
the  talipot — that  blooms  when  about  forty  years  old  with  a 
loud  noise  and  immegiately  dies.  Arvilly  said  that  they  made 
her  think  of  some  political  candidates. 

Dorothy  and  Robert  Strong  and  Miss  Meechim  wanted 
to  go  to  Kandy,  the  capital  of  Ceylon,  only  seventy  milds 
away,  to  see  the  tooth  of  Boodha.  Miss  Meechim  said  she 
wanted  to  weep  over  it.  She  is  kinder  romantic  in  spots, 
and  Josiah  hearn  her  and  said,  soty  vosey,  to  me,  "  You  won't 
ketch  me  weepin'  over  any  tooth  unless  it  is  achin'  like  the 
Old  Harry." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     233 

But  I  kinder  wanted  to  see  the  tooth.  I  had  hearn 
Thomas  J.  read  a  good  deal  about  Prince  Siddartha,  Lord 
Buddha,  and  how  he  wuz  "  riglit  gentle,  though  so  wise, 
princely  of  mean,  yet  softly  mannered,  modest,  deferent  and 
tender  hearted,  though  of  fearless  blood,"  and  how  he  re 
nounced  throne  and  wealth  and  love  for  his  people,  to  "  seek 
deliverance  and  the  unknown  light." 

I  had  always  pictured  him  as  looking  more  beautiful  than 
any  other  mortal  man,  but  of  this  more  anon. 

Josiah  and  Arvilly  concluded  to  go  too;  it  wuz  only  a 
four  hours'  ride.  We  passed  coffee  plantations,  immense 
gardens  and  forests  full  of  ebony  trees,  the  strange  banion 
tree  that  seems  to  walk  off  all  round  itself  and  plant  its  great 
feet  solidly  in  the  earth,  and  then  step  off  agin,  makin'  a 
hull  forest  of  itself,  and  satin  wood  trees,  and  India  rubber, 
bamboo,  balsam,  bread  fruit,  pepper  and  cinchony  or  quinine 
bushes,  tea  and  rice  plantations.  Our  road  led  up  the  moun 
tain  side  and  anon  the  city  of  Kandy  could  be  seen  sot  down 
in  a  sort  of  a  valley  on  the  mountain.  We  had  our  dinner 
at  the  Queen's  Hotel,  and  from  there  sallied  out  to  see  the 
sights.  Not  fur  from  the  hotel  wuz  a  artificial  lake  three 
milds  round,  built  by  some  king.  His  very  name  is  for 
gotten,  whilst  the  water  of  this  little  lake  he  dug  out  splashes 
up  on  the  shore  jest  as  fresh  as  ever.  All  round  the  lake 
is  a  beautiful  driveway,  where  all  sorts  of  vehicles  wuz  seen. 
Big  barouches  full  of  English  people,  down  to  a  little  two- 
wheeled  cart  drawed  by  one  ox.  Crowds  of  people,  jewels, 
bright  color,  anon  a  poor  woman  carrying  her  baby  astride 
her  hip,  men,  wimmen,  children,  a  brilliant,  movin'  panorama. 

The  tooth  of  Buddha  is  kep'  in  a  temple  called  Maligawa, 
or  Temple  of  the  Tooth,  and  I  laid  out  to  have  a  considerable 
number  of  emotions  as  I  stood  before  it.  But  imagine  a 
tooth  bigger  than  a  hull  tooth  brush !  What  kind  of  a  mouth 
must  Lord  Buddha  have  had  if  that  wuz  a  sample  of  his 
teeth?  Why,  his  mouth,  at  the  least  calculation,  must  have 
been  as  big  as  a  ten-quart  pan !  Where  wuz  the  beauty  and 


234     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

charm  of  that  countenance — that  mouth  that  had  spoke  such 
wise  words? 

I  don't  believe  it  wuz  his  tooth.  I  hain't  no  idee  it  wuz. 
No  human  bein'  ever  had  a  mouth  big  enough  to  hold  thirty 
odd  monsters  like  that,  let  alone  this  noble  prince,  "  with 
godlike  face  and  eyes  enwrapped,  lost  in  care  for  them  he 
knew  not,  save  as  fellow  lives."  There  is  a  mistake  some 
where.  There  wuz  lots  of  natives  round  worshippin'  it.  But 
I  felt  that  if  Prince  Siddartha  could  speak  out  of  Nirvana 
he  would  say : 

"  Don't  worship  that  tooth,  Josiah  Allen's  wife ;  it  hain't 
mine  nor  never  wuz;  but  worship  the  principles  of  love  and 
compassion  and  self-sacrifice  I  tried  to  teach  to  my  people." 
And  almost  instinctively  I  sez,  "  I  will,  Prince  Siddartha,  I 
will." 

And  Josiah  sez:  "  What  say,  Samantha?  "    And  I  sez: 

"  Let's  go  out,  Josiah,  and  see  the  sacred  tree,  Bo,  that 
they  worship." 

"  I'll  go,"  sez  Josiah,  "  but  you  won't  git  me  to  worship 
no  tree,  I  can  tell  you  that.  I've  cleared  off  too  many  acres 
and  chopped  and  sawed  too  much  cord  wood  to  worship  a 
tree." 

"  Did  I  ask  you  to,  Josiah?  "  sez  I.  "  It  would  break  my 
heart  to  see  you  bend  your  knee  to  any  idol.  But  this  is 
the  oldest  tree  in  the  world;  it  is  over  two  thousand  years 
old." 

"  Wall,  it  ort  to  be  cut  down,  Samantha,  if  it  is  that  age; 
it  is  seasoned  and  would  make  crackin'  good  lumber." 

Oh,  how  oncongenial  Josiah  Allen  is  by  spells ;  he  seemed 
to  be  quite  a  distance  off  from  me  as  he  made  them  remarks. 
But  Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  shared  my  feelin's  of  rever 
ence  for  a  tree  whose  mighty  branches  might  have  shaded 
the  head  of  our  Lord  and  whose  leaves  might  have  rustled 
with  the  wind  that  swept  the  brow  of  Napoleon  and  Caesar 
and  Pharo  for  all  I  knew.  There  wuz  some  natives  burnin' 
camphor  flowers  before  it  and  some  on  'em  had  hung  up 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     235 

little  lamps  in  its  branches.  They  say  that  one  hundred 
thousand  pilgrims  visit  it  each  year.  Well,  we  driv  round 
some,  seein'  all  the  strange,  picturesque  sights;  past  tea 
plantations  and  a  tea  factory,  the  botanical  gardens  where  we 
driv  milds  through  its  beautiful  tree  shaded  avenoos;  there 
are  twenty-five  thousand  kinds  of  plants  here  in  this  garden ; 
some  say  it  is  the  finest  collection  in  the  world.  And  we 
driv  past  some  of  the  native  dwellings,  and  some  beautiful 
villas  where  Europeans  live  durin'  the  warm  season,  past  the 
library,  a  beautiful  building  standing  on  pillars  on  the  shores 
of  the  lake,  and  by  the  Governor's  palace,  handsome  enough 
for  any  king  and  queen,  and  we  got  back  to  Colombo  mid- 
dlin'  late  and  tired  out.  But  as  tired  as  Josiah  wuz  he  talked 
considerable  to  me  about  "  Bud,"  as  familiar  as  if  he  wuz  well 
acquainted  with  him,  but  I  sez,  "  You  mean  B-u-d-d-h,  Jo 
siah."  But  I  thought  to  myself  as  the  Chinese  have  five 
thousand  different  names  for  him  one  more  wouldn't  neither 
make  nor  break  him. 

Well,  the  next  day  we  embarked  for  Calcutta.  Our 
steamer  stopped  two  milds  off  from  Madras.  The  wind  was 
so  high  we  couldn't  get  any  nearer.  None  of  our  party  went 
ashore  but  Robert  Strong.  He  wuz  tied  into  an  arm-chair 
and  swung  off  by  ropes  down  into  a  little  boat  that  wuz 
dashin'  up  and  down  fur  below. 

I  wouldn't  done  it  fur  a  dollar  bill.  The  surf  boats  are 
deep,  made  of  bark  and  bamboo,  shaped  some  like  our  In 
dian  canoes.  But  no  matter  how  much  the  winds  blew  or 
the  boats  rocked,  lots  of  native  peddlers  come  aboard  to 
sell  jewelry,  fans,  dress  stuffs ;  and  snake  charmers  come,  and 
fakirs,  doin'  their  strange  tricks,  that  I  d'no  how  they  do, 
nor  Josiah  don't. 

Madras  has  more  than  half  a  million  inhabitants,  and  it 
looked  well  from  the  steamer:  handsome  villas,  beautiful 
tropical  trees,  and  hull  forests  of  cactus  ablaze  with  their 
gorgeous  blossoms.  It  bein'  Sunday  whilst  on  our  way  from 
Madras  to  Calcutta  the  captain  read  service,  and  afterwards 


236     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

made  his  Sunday  inspection  of  the  crew.  The  sailors  and 
cooks  wuz  Hindus,  the  stewards  English  and  Scotch.  The 
crew  had  on  short  white  trousers,  long  white  jackets  and 
white  caps,  all  on  'em  wuz  barefooted. 

We  sailed  acrost  the  Bay  of  Bengal,  where  I  spoze  Bengal 
tigers  wuz  hidin'  in  the  adjacent  jungles,  though  we  didn't 
meet  any  and  didn't  want  to.  And  so  on  to  the  Hoogly 
River;  one  of  the  mouths  of  the  Ganges,  and  on  to  Calcutta. 

Calcutta  is  over  four  thousand  milds  from  Hongkong. 
And  o'h,  my  heart !  how  fur !  how  fur  from  Jonesville.  Most 
fourteen  thousand  milds  from  our  own  vine  and  apple  trees 
and  the  children.  It  made  my  head  turn  round  so  that  I 
tried  to  furgit  it. 


CHAPTER    XXI 

S  we  approached  Calcutta  we  seemed  to  be 
travellin'  through  big  gardens  more  beautiful 
than  our  own  country  can  boast  of;  rich, 
strange,  tropical  trees  and  shrubs  and  flowers 
grew  luxuriant  around  the  pleasant  villas.  The 
English  district  with  its  white  two-story  houses  made  me 
think  some  of  an  American  village.  We  went  to  the  Great 
Eastern  Hotel,  right  opposite  the  gardens  of  the  Viceroy's 
palace. 

We  had  pleasant  rooms  that  would  have  been  pretty  hot, 
but  great  fans  are  swung  up  in  our  room  and  the  hired  help 
swing  'em  by  a  rope  that  goes  out  into  the  hall.  It  beats 
all  how  much  help  there  is  here,  the  halls  seemed  full  on  'em, 
but  what  would  our  hired  help  say  if  we  made  'em  dress  like 
these  Hindus?  They  wear  short  pantaloons  that  don't  come 
down  to  their  knees  and  then  they  wind  a  long  strip  of  white 
cloth  round  their  thighs  and  fasten  it  round  their  waist,  leavin' 
their  right  shoulder  and  arm  bare  naked.  An  American 
family  of  four  livin'  in  Calcutta  have  thirty  servants,  ten 
of  'em  pullin'  at  these  punkeys  or  fans.  They  don't  eat  in 
the  house  of  their  employer ;  but  in  a  cabin  outside. 

There  is  a  long,  beautiful  street  called  The  Strand,  shaded 
by  banyan  and  palm  trees;  on  one  side  on't  is  the  park  so 
lovely  that  it  is  called  the  Garden  of  Eden,  full  of  beautiful 
trees,  shrubs  and  flowers,  pagodas,  little  temples  and  shrines. 
Josiah  and  I  and  Tommy  went  there  in  the  evenin'  and  hearn 
beautiful  music.  Josiah  wanted  to  ride  in  a  palanquin.  It 
is  a  long  black  box  and  looks  some  like  a  hearse.  I  hated 
to  see  him  get  in,  it  made  me  forebode.  But  he  enjoyed 
his  ride,  and  afterwards  I  sot  off  in  one,  Josiah  in  one  also 


238     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

nigh  by  with  Tommy.  One  side  of  it  comes  off  so  you  can 
git  in  and  set  on  a  high  cushion  and  read  or  knit.  I  took 
my  knittin'  and  most  knit  one  of  Josiah's  heels  whilst  I  rid 
by  palaces  and  elephants  and  camels  and  fakirs  and  palm 
trees.  Oh,  Jonesville  yarn !  you  never  expected  to  be  knit 
amid  seens  like  this.  I  can  knit  and  admire  scenery  first 
rate,  and  my  blue  and  white  yarn  seemed  to  connect  me  with 
Jonesville  in  some  occult  way,  and  then  I  knew  Josiah  would 
need  his  socks  before  we  got  home. 

Seein'  that  the  other  ladies  did  so  I  had  throwed  my  braize 
veil  gracefully  over  my  head  instead  of  my  bunnet.  The 
natives  are  as  fond  of  jewels  here  as  they  are  in  Ceylon. 
Women  with  not  a  rag  on  down  to  their  waists  will  have 
four  or  five  chains  on,  and  bangles  on  their  naked  arms. 
They  spend  all  their  earnin's  on  these  ornaments  and  wear 
'em  day  and  night.  Well,  seein'  they  don't  have  any  other 
clothes  hardly,  mebby  it  is  best  for  'em  to  keep  holt  on  'em. 

We  went  by  some  wimmen  preparin'  manure  for  fuel; 
it  wuz  made  into  lumps  and  dried.  The  wimmen  wuz  workin' 
away  all  covered  with  chains  and  bangles  and  rings;  Josiah 
looked  on  'em  engaged  in  that  menial  and  onwelcome  occu 
pation,  and  sez  he: 

"  To  see  wimmen  to  work  in  the  barnyard,  Samantha,  has 
put  a  new  idee  into  my  head." 

I  never  asked  him  what  it  wuz,  but  spozed  it  had  refer 
ence  to  Philury  and  mebby  me,  but  I  shall  never  go  into  that 
work,  never. 

One  day  we  went  to  the  American  mission  school  and 
see  the  native  children  settin'  flat  on  the  floor.  Josiah  wuz 
awful  worked  up  to  see  'em  settin'  down  in  such  a  oncom- 
fortable  posture,  and  he  said  to  me  that  if  he  had  some  tools 
and  lumber  he  would  make  'em  some  seats.  But  that  is 
their  way  of  settin'  to  study  their  lessons. 

Among  'em  wuz  a  little  girl  with  a  red  spot  on  her  for 
ward,  indicatin'  that  she  wuz  married,  but  don't  spoze  that 
she  had  gone  to  keepin'  house  yet.  Girls  are  married  some- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     239 

times  at  six  or  seven,  but  their  husbands  don't  claim  'em  till 
they're  ten  or  twelve.  Good  land!  they're  nothin'  but  ba 
bies  then ;  I  used  to  hold  Tirzah  Ann  on  my  lap  at  that  age. 
Widders  never  marry  again,  and  are  doomed  to  a  wretched 
life  of  degradation  and  slavery;  I  guess  that  is  the  reason 
why  some  on  'em  had  ruther  be  burnt  up  with  their  relics 
than  to  live  on  to  suffer  so.  How  much  they  need  the  re 
ligion  of  love  and  mercy  our  Saviour  come  to  teach !  Our 
missionaries  are  doin'  a  blessed  work,  literally  loosin'  the 
chains  of  the  captives,  and  settin'  at  liberty  them  that  are 
bound. 

One  evenin'  we  met  a  bridal  procession,  the  groom  was 
ridin'  in  a  peacock-shaped  gilt  chariot  drawed  by  four  horses, 
accompanied  by  a  band  of  music;  a  big  crowd  of  friends  fol- 
lered  him,  and  coolies  bearing  torches;  it  seemed  as  if  he 
wanted  to  show  himself  off  all  he  could.  When  they  got 
to  the  house  of  the  bride,  they  took  her  in  a  closed  palanquin 
and  meached  away  to  the  house  of  the  groom.  As  in  some 
other  countries,  females  play  a  minor  part  in  the  tune  of  life ; 
wimmen  and  children  can't  eat  at  the  table  with  their  hus 
band  and  father,  and  he  sets  to  the  table  and  she  sets  down 
on  the  floor. 

Miss  Meechim  exclaimed  loudly  about  the  awful  posi 
tion  of  wimmen  here,  but  Arvilly  told  her  that  "  though 
wimmen  at  home  had  crep'  up  a  little  so  she  could  set  to  the 
table  and  pour  the  tea,  yet  at  banquets  of  honor  she  wuz 
never  seen  and  at  the  political  table,  where  men  proudly 
sot  and  partook,  wimmen  still  sot  on  the  floor  and  couldn't 
git  a  bite." 

Miss  Meechim  didn't  dain  a  reply,  but  turned  her  talk 
onto  the  dretful  idee  of  widders  bein'  burnt  with  their  dead 
husbands.  The  English  won't  allow  it  where  they  can  help 
it,  but  it  is  still  practised  in  way  back  regions,  and  Arvilly 
said  that  she  believed  that  some  American  widders,  who  had 
had  their  property  took  from  them  by  the  family  of  the  de 
ceased  and  had  their  unborn  children  willed  away  from  'em 


240     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

by  law,  suffered  enough  sight  more  than  they  would  if  they 
had  burnt  themselves  up  with  their  relics;  to  say  nothin'  of 
widders  bein'  burnt  up  twice  in  America,  first  through  their 
own  fiery  agony,  and  then  seein'  their  children  sot  fire  to  by 
whiskey  dealt  to  'em  by  the  will  of  the  rulers  of  the  land. 

Arvilly  always  would  have  the  last  word.  Miss  Meechim 
kinder  snorted  and  tested  her  head  and  held  in. 

I  spoze  it  wuz  partly  on  Robert  Strong's  account,  he  bein' 
high  connected  and  rich,  that  we  wuz  all  invited  to  a  garden 
party  gin  by  Mr.  and  Miss  Curzon,  she  that  wuz  Miss  Leiter, 
who  used  to  be  one  of  our  neighbors,  as  you  may  say,  out  in 
Chicago,  U.  S.  And  then  I  spoze  that  it  wuz  partly  on  my 
account,  they'd  hearn  of  me,  without  any  doubt,  and  craved 
a  augience.  Josia'h  thought  that  it  wuz  on  his  account  that 
we  wuz  invited;  he  thinks  he  is  a  ornament  to  any  festive 
throng. 

But  'tennyrate  invited  we  wuz,  and  go  we  did,  the  hull 
caboodle  on  us,  all  but  Tommy,  who  stayed  to  home  with  the 
good  English  maid  that  Miss  Meechim  had  hired  to  take 
Aronette's  place,  but  never,  never  to  fill  it. 

Oh,  Aronette !  sweet  girl !  where  are  you  ?  Where  are 
you?  So  my  heart  called  out  time  and  time  agin;  some 
times  in  the  dead  of  night  on  my  wakeful  pillow,  and  anon 
when  I  wuz  lookin'  for  her  in  places  that  I  didn't  want  to  find 
her.  So  did  Dorothy's  heart  call  out  to  her.  I  knew  she 
wuz  lookin'  for  her  always,  seekin'  her  with  sad  eyes  full  of 
tears,  looking,  longing  for  the  playmate  of  her  childhood, 
the  loving,  gentle  helper  and  companion  of  her  youth. 

Miss  Meechim  didn't  speak  of  her  so  often  as  she  thought 
of  her,  I  believe ;  but  she  grew  thin  after  her  loss,  and  when 
grief  for  a  person  ploughs  away  your  flesh  you  can  call  your 
self  a  mourner.  She  lost  five  pounds  and  a  half  in  less  than 
a  month ;  next  to  Dorothy  she  loved  her. 

Arvilly  openly  and  often  bewailed  the  loss  of  the  one  she 
loved  next  to  Waitstill  Webb;  I  wuzn't  anywhere  in  Arvilly's 
affections  to  what  she  wuz,  though  she  sets  store  by  me, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     241 

and  Tommy  cried  himself  to  sleep  many  a  night  talking 
about  her,  and  wonnerin'  where  she  wuz,  and  if  somebody 
wuz  abusin'  her,  or  if  she  wuz  to  the  bottom  of  the  ocean. 
Why,  he  would  rack  my  mind  and  pierce  my  heart  so  I 
would  have  to  give  him  candy  to  get  his  mind  off;  I  used 
pounds  in  that  way,  though  I  knew  it  wuz  hurtful,  but  didn't 
know  what  to  do. 

We  often  thought  and  spoke  of  poor  Lucia,  too,  and  that 
poor  broken-hearted  father  who  wuz  searching  through  the 
world  for  her  and  would  never  stop  his  mournful  search  till 
he  found  her,  or  till  death  found  him,  but  our  hearts  didn't 
ache  for  her  as  they  did  for  the  loss  of  our  own. 

Martha  wuz  a  kind,  good  girl,  but  she  wuzn't  Aronette, 
our  dear  one,  our  lost  one.  She  wuz  jest  a  helper  doin'  her 
work  and  earnin'  her  wages,  that  wuz  all,  but  she  was  good 
natured  and  offered  to  look  after  Tommy,  and  we  all  went 
to  the  Viceroy's  reception  and  garden  party  and  had  a  real 
good  time. 

The  palace  of  the  Viceroy  is  a  beautiful  structure.  It  is 
only  two  stories  high,  but  each  story  full  and  running  over 
with  beauty.  I  d'no  but  the  widder  Albert's  house  goes  ahead 
of  this,  but  it  don't  seem  as  if  it  could,  it  don't  seem  as  if 
Solomon's  or  the  Queen  of  Sheba's  could  look  any  better. 
Though  of  course  I  never  neighbored  with  Miss  Sheba,  bein' 
considerable  younger  than  she,  and  never  got  round  to  visit 
the  widder  Albert,  though  I  always  wanted  to,  and  spoze  I 
disappointed  her  that  year  when  I  wuz  in  London,  and  kep' 
by  business  and  P.  Martin  Smythe  from  visitin'  her. 

Miss  Curzon  is  a  real  handsome  woman,  and  always  wuz 
when  she  was  a  neighborin'  girl,  as  you  may  say,  in  Chicago, 
but  the  high  position  she's  in  now  has  gin  nobility  to  her 
mean,  and  the  mantilly  of  dignity  she  wears  sets  well  on  her. 

She  seemed  real  glad  to  see  me;  she  had  hearn  on  me, 
so  she  said,  and  she  said  she  had  laughed  some  when  she 
read  my  books,  and  had  cried  too,  and  I  sez,  "  I  hope  you 
16 


242     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

didn't  cry  because  you  felt  obleeged  to  read  'em,  or  some 
body  made  you." 

And  she  sez,  "  No,"  and  she  went  on  furder  to  say  how 
they  had  soothed  the  trials  of  a  relative,  aged  ninety,  and 
had  been  a  stay  and  solace  to  one  of  her  pa's  great  aunts. 

And  a  bystander  standin'  by  come  up  and  introduced 
himself  and  said  how  much  my  books  had  done  for  some 
relations  of  his  mother-in-law  who  had  read  'em  in  Sing  Sing 
and  the  Tombs.  And  after  considerable  such  interestin'  and 
agreeable  conversation  Miss  Curzon  branched  off  and  asked 
me  if  there  wuz  any  new  news  at  home. 

And  I  sez,  "  No ;  things  are  goin'  in  the  same  old  way. 
Your  pa's  folks  are  in  good  health  so  fur  as  I  know,  and  the 
rest  of  the  four  hundred  are  so  as  to  git  about,  for  I  hear 
on  'em  to  horse  shows  and  huntin'  foxes  acrost  the  country 
and  playin'  tee  or  tee  he." 

She  said,  "  Yes,  golf  wuz  gettin'  to  be  very  popular  in 
America."  And  I  went  on  with  what  little  news  I  could  about 
the  most  important  folks.  Sez  I : 

"  Mr.  and  Miss  Roosvelt  are  well,  and  well  thought  on. 
He  is  a  manly  man  and  a  gentle  gentleman.  The  sample  of 
goodness,  loyalty  and  common  sense  they  are  workin'  out 
there  in  the  White  House  ort  to  be  copied  by  all  married  men 
and  their  wives.  If  they  did  the  divorce  lawyers  would  starve 
to  death — or  go  into  some  other  business. 

"  I  set  store  by  'em  both.  Theodore  tries  to  quell  the 
big  monopolies  and  look  out  for  the  people.  I've  advised 
him  and  he  has  follered  my  advice  more  or  less.  But  you 
can't  do  everything  in  a  minute,  and  the  political  bosses  and 
the  Liquor  Power  are  rulin'  things  about  the  same  as  ever. 
Big  trusts  are  flourishin',  Capital  covered  with  gold  and 
diamonds  is  settin'  on  the  bent  back  of  Labor,  drivin'  the 
poor  critter  where  they  want  to,  and  the  Man  with  the  Hoe 
is  hoein'  away  jest  as  usual  and  don't  get  the  pay  for  it  he'd 
ort  to."  And  here  Arvilly  broke  in  (she  had  been  intro 
duced),  and  sez  she,  "  Uncle  Sam  is  girdin'  up  his  lions  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    243 

stands  with  a  chip  on  his  shoulder  ready  to  step  up  and  take 
a  round  with  any  little  republic  that  don't  want  to  be  benevo 
lently  assimilated." 

But  I  spoke  right  up,  and  sez,  "  He  is  a  good-hearted 
creeter,  Uncle  Sam  is,  but  needs  a  adviser  time  and  agin, 
and  not  bein'  willin'  to  let  wimmen  have  a  word  to  say,  I  d'no 
what  will  become  on  him;  bime-by  mebby  he'll  see  that  he 
had  better  hearn  to  me." 

Jest  then  we  hearn  a  bystander  standin'  nigh  by  us  talkin' 
about  the  last  news  from  Russia,  and  I  sez  to  Miss  Curzon, 
"  It  is  too  bad  about  the  war,  hain't  it? "  And  she  sez, 
"  Yes  indeed !  "  She  felt  dretful  about  it,  I  could  see,  and 
I  sez,  "So  do  I.  You  and  I  can't  stop  it,  Miss  Curzon;  a 
few  ambitious  or  quarrelsome  or  greedy  politicians  will  make 
a  war  and  then  wimmen  have  to  stand  it.  There  hain't 
nothin'  right  in  it,  seein'  they  are  half  of  the  world,  and  men 
couldn't  have  got  into  the  world  at  all  if  it  hadn't  been  for 
wimmen,  and  then  when  wimmen  has  got  'em  here,  and  took 
care  on  'em  till  they  can  run  alone,  then  they  go  to  bossin' 
her  round  the  first  thing  and  makin'  her  no  end  of  trouble, 
makin'  wars  and  things."  And  she  said  she  felt  jest  so,  too. 
"  But,"  sez  I,  "  excuse  me  for  introducin'  personal  and  politi 
cal  matters  on  festive  boards  "  (we  wuz  standin'  on  a  kind  of 
a  platform  built  up  on  the  green  and  velvety  grass).  Sez  I, 
"  I  am  real  glad  to  see  you  lookin'  so  well,  and  your  com 
panion,  too."  She  did  look  handsome  as  a  picter,  and  hand 
somer  enough  sight  than  some,  chromos  and  such.  And 
seein'  that  she  had  so  many  to  talk  to,  I  withdrawed  myself, 
but  as  I  kinder  backed  myself  off  I  backed  right  into  Arvilly, 
who  wuz  takin'  out  the  "  Twin  Crimes  "  out  of  her  work- 
bag,  and  I  sez,  "  Arvilly,  you  shall  not  canvass  Miss  Curzon 
to-night." 

And  she  sez,  "  I'd  like  to  see  you  stop  me,  Josiah  Allen's 
wife,  if  I  set  out  to  do  anything."  She  looked  real  beligerent. 
But  I  got  her  into  a  corner  and  appealed  to  her  shiverly  and 
pity,  and  finally  I  got  her  to  put  her  book  up  in  her  work- 


244     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

bag.  Arvilly  is  good-hearted  if  you  know  how  to  manage 
her.  I  knew  Miss  Curzon  would  be  tired  enough  to  drop 
down  before  we  all  got  away,  without  being  canvassed,  if 
she  has  got  two  hundred  hired  help  in  the  house. 

Well,  we  roamed  along  through  the  beautiful  walks,  sweet 
with  perfume  and  balmy  with  flowers,  brilliant  with  innumer 
able  lights,  and  thronged  with  a  gaily  dressed  crowd  and  the 
air  throbbing  with  entrancing  strains  of  music. 

Robert  Strong  looked  noble  and  handsome  that  night;  I 
wuz  proud  to  think  he  belonged  to  our  party.  He  didn't 
need  uniforms  and  ribbons  and  stars  and  orders  to  proclaim 
his  nobility,  no  more  than  his  City  of  Justice  needed  steeples. 
It  shone  out  of  his  liniment  so  everybody  could  see  it.  It 
seemed  that  he  and  Mr.  Curzon  wuz  old  friends ;  they  talked 
together  like  brothers. 

Dorothy  wuz  as  sweet  as  a  posy  in  her  pretty  pink  frock, 
trimmed  with  white  rosies,  and  her  big,  white  picture  hat — 
the  prettiest  girl  there,  I  thought;  and  I  believe  Robert 
thought  so,  too — he  acted  as  if  he  did.  And  Miss  Meechim 
wuz  in  her  element.  The  halls  of  the  noble  and  gay  wuz 
where  her  feet  loved  to  linger.  And  she  seemed  to  look 
up  to  me  more  than  ever  after  she  see  my  long  interview 
with  Lady  Curzon,  as  she  called  her. 

Josia'h  and  I  returned  to  our  tarven,  but  the  rest  of  the 
party  wanted  to  stay  some  later.  We  wanted  dretfully  to  go 
to  Benares,  and  on  to  Agra  so's  to  see  that  wonderful  monu 
ment  to  Wedded  Love — the  Taj  Mahal — I  spoze  the  most 
beautiful  building  in  the  hull  world ;  and  certainly  it  is  rared 
up  to  as  noble  a  sentiment;  and  its  being  a  kind  of  rareity, 
too,  made  me  want  to  see  it  the  worst  kind. 

But  we  had  loitered  so  on  our  travels  that  we  had  to 
hurry  up  a  little  in  order  to  arrive  at  the  Paris  Exposition 
the  Fourth  of  July — United  States  day.  I  felt  that  I  couldn't 
bear  to  git  there  any  later  and  keep  France  a-waitin'  for  us, 
a-worryin'  for  fear  we  wouldn't  git  there  at  all,  so  we  went 
post-'haste  from  Calcutta  to  Bombay  and  from  there  to 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    245 

Cairo  and  on  to  Marseilles ;  though  we  laid  out  to  stop  long 
enough  in  Cairo  to  take  a  tower  in  Jerusalem.  Holy  Land, 
wuz  I,  indeed,  to  see  thee? 

We  wuz  considerable  tired  when  we  got  to  Bombay. 
The  railroads  in  Injy  are  not  like  the  Empire  Express; 
though,  as  we  drew  near  Bombay,  the  scenery  wuz  grand; 
some  like  our  own  Sierra  Nevada's. 

Only  a  few  milds  back  from  the  railroad,  tigers,  panthers 
and  all  sorts  of  fierce  animals  wuz  to  home  to  callers,  but 
we  didn't  try  to  visit  'em.  At  some  places  the  trees  along 
the  road  wuz  full  of  monkeys,  chatterin'  and  talkin'  in  their 
own  language  which  they  understood,  so  I  spoze ;  and  there 
wuz  the  most  beautiful  birds  I  ever  saw.  The  climate  wuz 
delightful,  some  like  June  days  in  dear  Jonesville. 

Bombay  is  on  an  island,  with  many  bridges  connecting  it 
to  the  mainland.  We  went  to  a  tarven  close  to  Bombay 
Bay ;  the  wide  verandas  full  of  flowers  and  singin'  birds  made 
it  pleasant.  We  got  good  things  to  eat  here;  oh,  how  Jo- 
siah  enjoyed  the  good  roast  beef  and  eggs  and  bread,  most 
as  good  as  Jonesville  bread.  Though  it  seemed  kinder  queer 
to  me,  and  I  don't  think  Miss  Meechim  and  Arvilly  enjoyed 
it  at  all  to  have  our  chamber  work  done  by  barelegged  men. 

I  told  Josiah  that  I  didn't  know  but  I  ort  to  have  a  Ayah 
or  maid  whilst  I  wuz  there,  and  he  said  with  considerable 
justice  that  he  guessed  he  could  ayah  me  all  that  wuz  neces 
sary. 

And  so  he  could,  I  didn't  need  no  other  chaperone.  But 
the  Bombay  ladies  never  stir  out  without  their  Ayah,  and 
ladies  don't  go  out  in  the  streets  much  anyway. 

The  market  here  in  Bombay  wuz  the  finest  I  ever  see ;  it 
has  a  beautiful  flower  garden  and  park  attached  to  it,  and 
little  rills  of  clear  water  run  through  the  stun  gutters.  Tropi 
cal  fruit  and  vegetables  of  all  kinds  wuz  to  be  seen  here.  The 
native  market  wimmen  didn't  have  on  any  clothes  hardly, 
but  made  it  up  in  jewelry.  Some  on  'em  weighin'  out  beef 
to  customers  would  have  five  or  six  long  gold  chains  hang- 


246     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN1 8  WIFE 

ing  down  to  their  waist.  Bombay  has  a  population  of  about 
a  million,  a  good  many  English,  some  Hindus,  Persians, 
Chinese,  Siamese,  Turks,  and  about  one-tenth  are  Parsees, 
sun-worshippers.  They  are  many  of  them  wealthy  and  live 
in  beautiful  villas  a  little  out  of  the  city;  they  are  very  in 
telligent  and  firm  friends  of  the  English. 

The  Parsees  dress  in  very  rich  silks  and  satin,  the  men 
in  pantaloons  of  red  or  orange  and  long  frocks  of  gorgeous 
colored  silk;  they  wear  high-pinted  black  caps,  gold  chains 
and  rings  and  look  dretful  dressy. 

Josiah  loved  their  looks  dearly,  and  he  sez  dreamily, 
"  What  a  show  such  a  costoom  would  make  in  Jonesville ;  no 
circus  ever  went  through  there  that  would  attract  so  much 
attention,"  and  he  added,  "  their  idees  about  the  sun  hain't 
so  fur  out  of  the  way.  The  sun  duz  give  all  the  heat  and 
light  we  have,  and  it  is  better  to  worship  that  than  snakes  and 
bulls." 

My  land !  had  that  man  a  idee  of  becomin'  a  Parsee  ?  I 
sez,  "  Josiah  Allen,  be  you  a  Methodist  deacon,  or  be  you 
not?  Are  you  a-backslidin'  or  hain't  you?"  Sez  I,  "You 
had  better  ask  the  help  of  him  who  made  the  sun  and  the 
earth  to  keep  you  from  wobblin'." 

He  wuz  real  huffy  and  sez,  "  Well,  I  say  it,  and  stick  to  it, 
that  it  is  better  to  worship  the  sun  than  it  is  to  worship 
snakes,"  and  come  to  think  it  over,  I  didn't  know  but  it  wuz. 

The  Parsees  live  together  in  big  families  of  relations, 
sometimes  fifty. 

They  do  not  bury  their  dead,  but  put  'em  up  in  high 
towers,  called  Towers  of  Silence.  And  I  believe  my  soul  that 
I'd  ruther  be  put  up  in  the  sky  than  down  in  the  mouldy 
earth. 

Jest  a  little  way  from  this  Tower  of  Silence  is  the  spot 
where  the  Brahmans  burn  their  dead ;  there  are  so  many  that 
the  fires  are  kep'  burnin'  all  the  time.  And  a  little  ways 
off  is  the  place  where  the  English  bury  their  dead. 

And  I  d'no  but  one  way  is  as  good  as  another.    The  pale 


shadder  of  the  real  tower  of  silence  has  fell  on  'em  all  and 
silenced  'em.  It  don't  make  much  difference  what  becomes 
of  the  husk  that  is  wropped  round  the  wheat.  The  freed 
soul  soarin'  off  to  its  own  place  wouldn't  care  what  become 
of  the  wornout  garment  it  dropped  in  its  flight. 

But  to  resoom :  We  all  went  out  for  a  drive  through  the 
streets ;  Josiah  and  I  and  Arvilly  and  little  Tommy  in  a  little 
two-wheeled  cart  settin'  facin'  each  other  drawed  by  two 
buffalo  cows.  Robert  and  Dorothy  and  Miss  Meechim  occu 
pied  another  jest  ahead  on  us.  The  driver  sot  on  the  tongue 
of  the  wagon,  and  would  pull  their  tails  instead  of  whippin' 
'em  when  he  wanted  'em  to  go  faster.  The  cows'  ears  wuz 
all  trimmed  off  with  bells  and  gay  streamers  of  cotton  cloth, 
and  their  tails  had  big  red  bows  on  'em,  and  Josiah  whis 
pered  to  me : 

"  You  see,  Samantha,  if  I  don't  get  some  ear  and  tail 
trimmin'  for  old  Brindle  and  Lineback  when  I  git  home ;  our 
cows  are  goin'  to  have  some  advantage  of  our  tower  if  they 
couldn't  travel  with  us.  And,"  sez  he,  "  what  a  show  we 
could  make,  Samantha,  ridin'  in  to  meetin'  behind  Jem;  bells 
a-jinglin'  and  ribbins  a-flyin',  I  dressed  in  a  long  silk  frock 
and  you  all  covered  with  jewelry." 

"  Well,"  sez  I  (wantin'  to  break  up  the  idee  to  once), 
"  if  we  do  that,  I  must  be  buyin'  some  jewelry  right  away." 

"  Oh,  Samantha,"  sez  he  anxiously,  "  can't  you  take  a 
joke?  I  wouldn't  drive  anything  but  the  old  mair  for  love 
or  money.  And  your  cameo  pin  is  so  beautiful  and  so  be 
coming  to  you." 

We  went  by  a  good  many  Parsees  in  that  drive,  and  Ar 
villy  sez,  "  They  look  so  rich  somehow,  I  believe  I  shall  try 
to  canvass  some  on  'em."  And  that  afternoon  about  sun 
down  she  seein'  one  on  'em  goin'  into  a  little  garden  she 
follered  him  in ;  he  wuz  dressed  in  such  a  gorgeous  way  that 
she  wuz  almost  sure  of  a  customer,  but  jest  as  she  wuz  gettin' 
the  "  Twin  Crimes  "  out  of  her  work-bag,  he  took  off  his 
outer  frock,  lain  it  down  on  the  ground  and  knelt  down, 


248     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

facin'  the  sunset,  and  sprinkled  his  head,  breast  and  hands 
three  times  from  a  little  dish  he  had  with  him,  and  then  be 
gun  to  pray  and  kep'  up  his  devotions  for  half  an  hour,  and 
Arvilly  of  course  not  wantin'  to  break  up  a  meetin'  put  her 
book  into  her  work-bag  and  went  away.  I  kinder  like  the 
idee  of  their  worshippin'  under  the  blue  dome  of  heaven, 
though  of  course  I  didn't  like  their  idee  of  worshippin'  the 
created  instead  of  the  Creator.  In  travellin'  through  these 
countries  more  and  more  every  day  did  I  feel  to  thank  the 
Lord  that  I  wuz  a  member  of  the  M.  E.  meetin'  house  in 
Jonesville,  U.  S.,  a  humble  follower  of  him  who  went  about 
doing  good,  but  I  didn't  feel  like  goin'  on  as  Miss  Meechim 
did.  How  she  did  look  down  on  the  Parsees  and  compared 
'em  to  the  Piscopals  to  their  immense  disadvantage. 

But  Arvilly,  the  iconoclast,  sez,  "  These  Parsees  boast 
that  there  is  not  a  pauper  or  woman  of  bad  character  in  the 
hull  of  their  sect,  and  I  wonder  if  any  other  religious  sect 
in  America  could  say  as  much  as  that,  Miss  Meechim  ?  " 

Miss  Meechim  turned  her  head  away  and  sniffed  some; 
she  hates  to  enter  into  a  argument  with  Arvilly,  but  she  wuz 
gittin'  real  worked  up  and  I  don't  know  how  it  would  have 
ended,  but  I  spoke  right  up  and  quoted  some  Bible  to  'em, 
thinkin'  mebby  that  it  might  avert  a  storm. 

Sez  I,  "Charity  vaunteth  not  itself.  Charity  thinketh  no 
evil,  suffereth  long  and  is  kind." 

I  meant  both  on  'em  to  take  it,  and  I  meant  to  take  some 
on't  myself.  I  knowed  that  I  wuz  sometimes  a  little  hash 
with  my  beloved  pardner.  But  a  woman,  if  she  don't  want  to 
be  run  over  has  to  work  every  way  to  keep  a  man's  riaterel 
overbeariness  quelled  down.  I  worship  him  and  he  knows 
it,  and  if  I  didn't  use  headwork  he  would  take  advantage 
of  that  worship  and  tromple  on  me. 

But  though  Arvilly  didn't  canvass  the  Parsee,  she  sold 
several  copies  of  the  "  Twin  Crimes  "  to  English  residents 
who  seemed  to  hail  the  idee  of  meeting  a  Yankee  book-agent 
in  the  Orient  with  gladness. 


CHAPTER    XXII 

OROTHY  and  Miss  Meechim  and  Robert 
Strong  went  over  to  an  island  on  the  bay  to 
see  the  caves  of  Elephanta,  the  great  under 
ground  temple,  one  hall  of  which  is  one  hun 
dred  and  fifty  feet  long,  the  lofty  ceilin'  sup 
ported  by  immense  columns,  and  three  smaller  halls,  the 
walls  of  all  on  'em  richly  sculptured. 

Whose  hands  made  them  statutes?  I  don't  know  nor 
Josiah  don't  and  I  guess  nobody  duz.  There  wuz  a  thought 
ful  look  on  Dorothy's  sweet  face  when  she  came  home,  and 
Robert  Strong  too  seemed  walkin'  in  a  reverie,  but  Miss 
Meechim  wuz  as  pert  as  ever;  it  takes  more  than  a  cave  to 
dant  her. 

One  place  in  Bombay  I  liked  first  rate,  a  hospital  for 
dumb  animals,  it  is  kep'  by  a  sect  called  the  Jains.  Sick  ani 
mals  of  all  kinds  are  cared  for:  horses,  cows,  dogs,  cats, 
rats  and  I  spoze  any  ailin'  creeter  from  a  mouse  up  to  a  ele 
phant  is  nursed  with  tender  care. 

Sez  Josiah,  "  No  matter  what  her  creed  is,  Samantha, 
that  Jane  is  a  good  creeter  and  is  doin'  a  great  work,  I  would 
send  the  old  mair  here  in  a  minute  if  she  wuz  took  with  con 
sumption  or  janders  or  anythin',  if  it  wuzn't  so  fur,  and  I'd 
tell  Jane  jest  how  much  I  thought  on  her  for  her  goodness." 
Sez  I,  "  Josiah,  it  is  a  sect,  not  a  female." 
But  he  wouldn't  gin  in  and  talks  about  Jane  a  sight  now 
when  he  recalls  about  the  horrers  of  vivisection  or  when  he 
sees  animals  abused  and  horses  driv  too  hard  and  overloaded 
— he  always  sez : 

"I  would  like  to  have  Jane  see  that,  I  guess  Jane  would 
put  a  stop  to  that  pretty  lively." 


250     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Well,  it  shows  Josiah's  good  heart. 

The  Hindus  have  several  temples  in  Bombay.  One  of 
the  great  days  is  the  Festival  of  the  Serpents.  Snake  charm 
ers  bring  to  this  place  the  deadly  snakes  which  are  then  fed 
to  propitiate  them,  by  the  priests,  I  spoze. 

Oh,  how  Miss  Meechim  went  on  about  the  idee  of  wor- 
shippin'  snakes,  and  it  wuz  perfectly  dretful  to  me  too,  I 
must  confess.  But  Arvilly  always  puttin'  her  oar  in  and  al 
ways  hash  on  our  govermunt,  sez : 

"  Why,  what  is  this  different  from  what  we  do  in 
America  ?" 

Miss  Meechim's  eyes  snapped,  she  wuz  madder  than  a 
wet  hen,  but  Arvilly  went  on,  "  Every  'lection  time  hain't 
the  great  serpent  of  the  liquor  power  fed  and  pampered  by 
the  law-makers  of  our  country?  " 

Miss  Meechim  didn't  reply;  I  guess  she  dassent,  and  I 
didn't  say  anything,  and  Arvilly  went  on: 

"  Our  serpent  worship  is  as  bad  agin  as  these  Hindus', 
for  after  their  snakes  are  fed  and  worshipped  they  shet  'em 
up  agin  so  they  can't  do  any  harm.  But  after  lawmakers 
propitiate  the  serpent  with  money  and  influence,  they  let  it 
loose  to  wreathe  round  the  bright  young  lives  and  noble 
manhood  and  crunch  and  destroy  'em  in  its  deadly  folds, 
leavin'  the  slime  of  agony  and  death  in  its  tracks  all  over 
our  country  from  North  to  South,  East  to  West.  It  don't 
look  well  after  all  this  for  an  American  to  act  horrified  at 
feedin'  a  snake  a  little  milk  and  shettin'  it  up  in  a  box."  She 
wuz  fairly  shakin'  with  indignation,  and  Miss  Meechim  dast 
as  well  die  as  dispute  her  agin.  And  I  didn't  say  a  word  to 
harrer  her  up  any  more,  for  I  knew  well  what  she  had  went 
through. 

We  only  stayed  a  few  days  in  Bombay,  and  then  took  the 
steamer  and  went  straight  acrost  the  Arabian  Sea,  stopping 
at  Aden  for  a  little  while,  and  then  up  the  Red  Sea ;  on  one 
side  on  us,  Arabia,  and  on  the  other,  Africa. 

Aden,  where  we  stopped  for  a  short  time,  is  a  dreary 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    251 

lookin'  little  place  with  seventy  or  eighty  thousand  natives 
livin'  a  little  back  from  the  shore,  while  the  few  English 
people  there  live  near  the  coast.  Beautiful  ostrich  feathers 
are  obtained  there  from  the  many  ostrich  farmers  living 
near,  as  well  as  the  Mocha  coffee,  which  made  over  a  Jones- 
ville  stove  by  a  Jonesville  woman  has  so  often  cheered  the 
heart  and  put  to  flight  the  worrisome  passions  of  a  Josiah. 
But  in  most  of  these  tropical  countries,  where  you'd  think 
you  could  git  the  best,  I  didn't  find  coffee  half  so  good  as  I 
made  it  myself,  though  mebby  I  ortn't  to  say  it. 

We  saw  some  wonderful  jugglers  here.  They  will  draw 
out  great  bunches  of  natural  flowers  from  most  anywhere 
that  you  wouldn't  expect  'em  to  be,  and  call  birds  down  or 
out  of  some  place  onseen  by  us ;  mebby  they  come  from  the 
mysterious  gardens  of  a  Carabi's  home,  and  those  great 
bunches  of  roses,  I  d'no  from  what  invisible  rose  bushes  they 
wuz  picked ;  mebby  they  growed  up  tall  and  stately  on  either 
side  of  the  Ether  avenues  that  surround  us  on  every  side. 
Mebby  Carabi  lives  right  under  the  shade  of  some  on  'em, 
but  'tennyrate  some  of  these  flowers  they  made  out  of  nothin' 
I  took  right  into  my  hands,  great,  soft,  dewy  roses,  with 
seemin'ly  the  same  dew  and  perfume  on  'em  they  have  when 
picked  in  our  earthly  gardens.  And  we  saw  some  wonder 
ful  divers  there;  they  did  such  strange  things  that  it  wuz 
fairly  skairful  to  see  'em.  If  you  would  throw  a  small  coin 
down  into  the  water,  they  would  dive  way  down,  down  with 
both  hands  full  of  balls  and  bring  up  the  coin  in  their  teeth, 
showing  that  they  picked  it  up  offen  the  bottom  without 
touching  their  hands  to  it.  Good  land !  I  couldn't  do  it  to 
save  my  life  in  our  cistern  or  wash  bowl,  let  alone  the  deep, 
deep  sea. 

As  we  entered  the  Red  Sea  we  passed  through  the  narrer 
channel  called  The  Straits  of  Bab-el-Mandeb,  Gate  of  Tears, 
named  so  on  account  of  the  many  axidents  that  have  hap 
pened  there.  But  we  got  through  safely  and  sailed  on  to 
wards  Suez. 


252     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

So  we  went  on  past  the  coasts  of  Abyssinia,  Nubia.  Fur 
off  we  see  Mount  Sineii,  sacred  mount,  where  the  Law  wuz 
given  to  Moses. 

Oh,  my  soul,  think  on't!  To  see  the  very  spot  where 
Moses  stood  and  talked  to  the  Almighty  face  to  face.  It  is 
only  three  hundred  milds  from  Suez. 

We  sailed  directly  over  the  place  where  the  Israelites 
passed  over  dry  shod  whilst  their  enemies,  the  Egyptians, 
wuz  overwhelmed  by  the  waters.  The  persecuted  triumphant 
and  walkin'  a-foot  into  safety,  while  Tyranny  and  Oppres 
sion  wuz  drownded. 

I  wish  them  waters  wuz  swashin'  up  to-day  and  closin' 
in  on  the  Oppressor,  not  to  drownd  'em,  mebby,  but  to  give 
'em  a  pretty  good  duckin'.  But  I  spoze  the  walls  of  water 
like  as  not  is  risin'  on  each  side  on  'em  onbeknown  to  them, 
and  when  the  time  comes,  when  the  bugle  sounds,  they 
will  rush  in  and  overwhelm  the  armies  of  Greed  and  Tyranny 
and  the  oppressed.  Them  that  are  forced  to  make  brick 
without  straw,  or  without  sand  hardly,  will  be  free,  and  go 
on  rejoicir^'  into  the  land  of  Promise. 

But  to  resoom:  It  is  three  thousand  milds  from  'Bombay 
to  Suez,  but  it  wuz  all  safely  passed  and  we  found  ourselves 
in  Cairo  in  a  most  comfortable  hotel,  and  felt  after  all  our 
wanderings  in  fur  off  lands  that  we  agin  breathed  the  air  of 
civilization  almost  equal  to  Jonesville. 

We  found  some  letters  here  from  home.  I  had  a  letter 
from  Tirzah  Ann  and  one  from  Thomas  Jefferson.  His  let 
ter  wuz  full  of  gratitude  to  heaven  and  his  ma  for  his  dear 
little  boy's  restored  strength  and  health.  He  and  Maggie 
wuz  lookin'  and  waitin'  with  eager  hearts  and  open  arms 
to  greet  us,  and  the  time  wuz  long  to  'em  I  could  see,  though 
he  didn't  say  so. 

Tirzah  Ann's  letter  contained  strange  news  of  our  neigh 
bor,  Miss  Deacon  Sypher.  Her  devotion  to  her  husband  has 
been  told  by  me  more  formally,  it  is  worthy  the  pen  of  poet 
and  historian.  She  lived  and  breathed  in  the  Deacon, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     253 

marked  all  her  clothes,  M.  D.  S.,  Miss  Deacon  Sypher.  Her 
hull  atmosphere  wuz  Deacon,  her  goal  wuz  his  happiness, 
her  heaven  his  presence. 

Well,  a  year  ago  she  got  hurt  on  the  sidewalk  to  Jones- 
ville,  and  the  Deacon  sued  the  village  and  got  five  hundred 
dollars  for  her  broken  leg.  He  took  the  money  and  went 
out  to  the  Ohio  on  a  pleasure  trip,  and  to  visit  some  old 
neighbors.  It  made  talk,  for  folks  said  that  when  she  wor 
shipped  him  so  he  ort  to  stayed  by  her,  but  he  hired  she  that 
wuz  Betsy  Bobbett  to  stay  with  her,  and  he  went  off  on  this 
pleasure  trip  and  had  a  splendid  good  time,  and  with  the 
rest  of  the  money  he  bought  a  span  of  mules.  Miss  Sypher 
wuz  deadly  afraid  of  'em.  But  the  Deacon  wanted  'em,  and 
so  they  made  her  happily  agonized,  she  wuz  so  afraid  of  their 
heels  and  their  brays,  and  so  highly  tickled  with  the  Deacon's 
joy.  Well,  it  turned  out  queer  as  a  dog,  but  just  after  we 
started  on  our  trip  abroad  Tirzah  said  that  the  Deacon  fell 
and  broke  his  leg  in  the  same  place  and  the  same  spot  on  the 
sidewalk;  the  Jonesvillians  are  slack,  it  wuzn't  mended 
proper.  And  Miss  Sypher  thought  that  she  would  git  some 
money  jest  as  he  did.  She  didn't  think  on't  for  quite  a  spell, 
Tirzah  writ.  She  wuz  so  bound  up  in  the  Deacon  and  never 
left  his  side  night  or  day,  nor  took  off  her  clothes  only  to 
wash  'em  for  two  weeks,  jest  bent  over  his  couch  and 
drowged  round  waitin'  on  him,  for  he  wuz  dretful  notional 
and  hard  to  git  along  with.  But  she  loved  to  be  jawed  at, 
dearly,  for  she  said  it  made  her  think  he  would  git  along, 
and  when  he  would  find  fault  with  her  and  throw  things,  she 
smiled  gladly,  thinkin'  it  wuz  a  good  sign. 

Well,  when  he  got  a  little  better  so  she  could  lay  down 
herself  and  rest  a  little,  the  thought  come  to  her  that  she 
would  git  some  money  for  his  broken  leg  jest  as  he  had  for 
hern.  She  thought  that  she  would  like  to  buy  him  a  suit 
of  very  nice  clothes  and  a  gold  chain,  and  build  a  mule  barn 
for  the  mules,  but  the  law  wouldn't  give  Miss  Deacon  Sypher 
a  cent;  the  law  said  that  if  anything  wuz  gin  it  would  go  to 


254     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

the  Deacon's  next  of  kin,  a  brother  who  lived  way  off  in  the 
Michigan. 

The  Deacon  owned  her  bones,  but  she  didn't  own  the 
Deacon's ! 

And  I  wonnered  at  it  as  much  as  Tommy  ever  wonnered 
over  anything  why  her  broken  limb,  and  all  the  emoluments 
from  it,  belonged  to  him,  and  his  broken  leg  and  the  pro 
prietary  rights  in  it  belonged  to  a  man  way  out  in  the  Michi 
gan  that  he  hadn't  seen  for  ten  years  and  didn't  speke  to 
(owin'  to  trouble  about  property),  and  after  Miss  Deacon 
Sypher  had  worshipped  him  and  waited  on  him  for  thirty 
years  like  a  happy  surf. 

Well,  so  it  wuz.  I  said  it  seemed  queer,  but  Arvilly  said 
that  it  wuzn't  queer  at  all.  She  sez :  "  One  of  my  letters 
from  home  to-day  had  a  worse  case  in  it  than  that."  Sez  she, 
"  You  remember  Willie  Henzy,  Deacon  Henzy's  grandchild, 
in  Brooklyn.  You  know  how  he  got  run  over  and  killed  by 
a  trolley  car." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  sweet  little  creeter;  Sister  Henzy  told  me 
about  it  with  the  tears  runnin'  down  her  cheeks.  They  all 
worshipped  that  child,  he  wuz  jest  as  pretty  and  bright  as 
he  could  be,  and  he  wuz  the  only  boy  amongst  all  the  grand 
children  ;  it  is  a  blow  Deacon  Henzy  will  never  git  over.  And 
his  ma  went  into  one  faintin'  fit  after  another  when  he  wuz 
brought  home,  and  will  never  be  a  well  woman  agin,  and 
his  pa's  hair  in  three  months  grew  gray  as  a  rat;  it  'most 
killed  all  on  'em." 

"  Well,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  what  verdict  do  you  think  that 
fool  brought  in  ?  " 

"What  fool?"  sez  I. 

"  The  law !  "  sez  Arvilly  sternly.  "  The  judge  brought  in 
a  verdict  of  one  dollar  damages ;  it  said  that  children  wuzn't 
wage-earners  and  therefore  they  wuzn't  worth  any  more." 

I  throwed  my  arms  'round  Tommy  onbeknown  to  me, 
and  sez  I,  "  Millions  and  millions  of  money  wouldn't  pay  your 


grandma  for  you."  And  Tommy  wonnered  and  wonnered 
that  a  little  boy's  life  wuzn't  worth  more  than  a  dollar. 

"  Why,"  sez  I,  "  the  law  gives  twenty  dollars  for  a  two- 
year-old  heifer." 

"  Yes,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  the  law  don't  reckon  Willie  Henzy's 
life  worth  so  much  as  a  yearlin'  calf  or  a  dog.  But  they  can 
do  jest  as  they  please;  these  great  monopolies  have  spun 
their  golden  web  round  politicians  and  office-seekers  and 
office-holders  and  rule  the  whole  country.  They  can  set 
their  own  valuation  on  life  and  limb,  and  every  dollar  they 
can  save  in  bruised  flesh  and  death  and  agony,  is  one  more 
dollar  to  divide  amongst  the  stockholders." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  we  mustn't  forgit  to  be  megum,  Ar 
villy;  we  mustn't  forgit  in  our  indignation  all  the  good 
they  do  carryin'  folks  from  hether  to  yon  for  almost  nothin'." 

"  Well,  they  no  need  to  act  more  heartless  than  Nero  or 
King  Herod.  I  don't  believe  that  old  Nero  himself  would 
done  this;  I  believe  he  would  gin  two  dollars  for  Willie 
Henzy." 

And  I  sez,  "  I  never  neighbored  with  Mr.  Nero.  But  if 
I  could  git  holt  of  that  judge,"  sez  I,  "  he  would  remember  it 
to  his  dyin'  day." 

"  He  wouldn't  care  for  what  you  said,"  sez  Arvilly;  "  he 
got  his  pay.  There  hain't  any  of  these  big  monopolies  got 
any  more  soul  than  a  stun-boat." 

It  is  only  nine  hours  from  Suez  to  Cairo.  How  often  have 
I  spoke  of  the  great  desert  of  Sarah  in  hours  of  Jonesville 
mirth  and  sadness,  little  thinkin'  that  I  should  ever  cross  it  in 
this  mortal  spear,  but  we  did  pass  through  a  corner  on't 
and  had  a  good  view  of  the  Suez  Canal,  about  which  so  much 
has  been  said  and  done.  For  milds  we  went  through  the 
Valley  of  the  Nile,  that  great  wet  nurse  of  Egypt.  The 
banks  on  either  side  on't  stand  dressed  in  livin'  green.  There 
wuz  a  good  many  American  and  English  people  at  the  tarven 
in  Cairo,  but  no  one  we  knew.  In  the  garden  at  the  side  of 
the  tarven  wuz  a  ostrich  pen  where  a  number  of  great  os- 


256     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

triches  wuz  kep',  and  also  several  pelicans  walked  round  in 
another  part  of  the  garden. 

Tommy  and  I  stood  by  the  winder,  very  much  interested 
in  watchin'  the  ostriches,  and  though  I  hain't  covetous  or 
proud,  yet  I  did  wish  I  had  one  or  two  of  them  satiny,  curly 
feathers  to  trim  my  best  bunnet  in  Jonesville,  they  went  so 
fur  ahead  of  any  sisters  in  the  meetin'  house. 

Josiah  hadn't  see  'em  yet;  he  wuz  layin'  on  the  lounge, 
but  he  sez :  "  I  don't  see  why  you're  so  took  up  with  them 
geese." 

"  Geese !  "  sez  I ;  "  look  here,  Josiah  Allen  " — and  I  took 
a  cookie  I  had  got  for  Tommy — "see  here ;  see  me  feed  these 
geese  ten  feet  from  the  ground."  He  could  see  their  heads 
come  up  to  take  it  out  of  my  hand. 

"  Good  land !  "  sez  he,  "  you  don't  say  they  stretch  their 
necks  clear  up  here."  And  he  jined  in  our  astonishment  then 
and  proposed  that  he  should  be  let  down  from  the  winder  in 
a  sheet  and  git  me  a  few  feathers.  But  I  rejected  the  idee  to 
once.  I  sez :  "  I'd  ruther  go  featherless  for  life  than  to  have 
a  pardner  commit  rapine  for  'em." 

And  he  sez :  "  If  some  Egyptian  come  to  Jonesville  and 
wanted  a  rooster's  tail  feather,  we  wouldn't  say  nuthin'  aginst 
it." 

But  I  sez:  "  This  is  different;  this  would  spile  the  looks 
of  the  ostriches." 

And  he  said  there  wuz  sunthin'  said  in  the  Bible  about 
"  spilin'  the  Egyptians."  But  I  wouldn't  let  him  wrest  the 
Scripters  to  his  own  destruction,  and  told  him  I  wouldn't, 
and  then  sez  I,  "  I  never  could  enjoy  religion  settin'  under  a 
stolen  feather." 

As  you  pass  through  these  picturesque  streets  memories 
of  them  that  have  made  this  city  historic  crowd  upon  your 
mind.  You  think  of  Saladin,  Christian,  Mameluke  and  Is 
lamite. 

You  think  of  the  Bible  and  you  think  of  the  "Arabian 
Nights,"  and  you  almost  expect  to  see  the  enchanted  carpet 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEY'S  WIFE     257 

layin'  round  somewhere,  and  some  one  goin'  up  to  the  close 
shet  doors  sayin',  "  Open  sesame." 

And  as  you  stroll  along  you  will  hear  every  language 
under  the  sun,  or  so  it  seems,  and  meet  English,  Italian, 
French,  Bedowins,  soldiers,  footmen,  Turks,  Arabs,  all 
dressed  in  their  native  costumes.  Anon  close  shet  up  car 
riages  in  which  you  most  know  there  are  beautiful  wimmen 
peerin'  out  of  some  little  corner  onbeknown  to  their  folks; 
agin  you  meet  a  weddin'  procession,  then  a  trolley  car,  then 
some  Egyptian  troops,  then  some  merchants,  then  mysterious 
lookin'  Oriental  wimmen,  with  black  veils  hangin'  loose,  then 
a  woman  with  a  donkey  loaded  with  fowls,  then  some  more 
soldiers  in  handsome  uniform. 

Agin  every  eye  is  turned  to  see  some  high  official  or  na 
tive  prince  dressed  in  splendid  array  dashin'  along  in  a  car 
riage  with  footmen  runnin'  on  before  to  clear  the  way.  And 
mebby  right  after  comes  a  man  drivin'  a  flock  of  turkeys, 
they  feelin'  jest  as  important  and  high-headed  to  all  appear 
ance. 

The  air  is  delightful  here,  dry  and  warm.  No  malaria 
in  Egypt,  though  nigh  by  are  sulphur  baths  for  anybody 
that  wants  them,  and  also  a  cure  for  consumptive  folks. 

In  goin'  through  the  streets  of  Cairo  you  will  see  bazars 
everywhere ;  slipper  bazars,  carpet  and  rug,  vase  and  candle, 
and  jewelry  bazars;  little  shops  where  everything  can  be 
bought  are  all  on  sides  of  you. 

But  if  you  go  to  buy  anything  you  get  so  confused  as 
to  the  different  worth  of  a  piaster  that  your  head  turns.  In 
some  transactions  it  is  as  much  agin  as  in  others.  Josiah 
got  dretful  worked  up  tryin'  to  buy  a  silk  handkerchief.  Sez 
he  to  the  dealer: 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  it,  you  dishonest  tike,  you  ?  If 
you  should  come  to  Jonesville  to  buy  a  overcoat  or  a  pair  of 
boots,  and  we  should  wiggle  round  and  act  as  you  do,  I 
wouldn't  blame  you  if  you  never  come  there  to  trade  a  cent 
with  us  agin." 
17 


258     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

The  man  kep'  bowin'  real  polite  and  offered  some  coffee 
to  him  and  a  pipe,  and  Josiah  sez : 

"  I  don't  want  none  of  your  coffee,  nor  none  of  your  pipes, 
I  want  honesty,  and  I  can  tell  you  one  thing  that  you've  lost 
my  trade,  and  you'll  lose  the  hull  of  the  Jonesville  trade 
when  I  go  home  and  tell  the  brethren  how  slippery  you  be 
in  a  bargain." 

The  man  kep'  on  bowin'  and  smilin'  and  I  told  Josiah, 
"  I  presoom  he  thinks  you're  praisin'  him ;  he  acts  as  if  he 
did."  And  Josiah  stopped  talkin'  in  a  minute.  But  how- 
sumever  he  wouldn't  take  the  handkerchief. 

Miss  Meechim  and  I — and  I  spoze  that  Robert  Strong 
wuz  to  the  bottom  of  it — but  'tennyrate,  we  wuz  invited  to 
a  harem  to  see  a  princess,  wife  of  a  pasha.  Robert  thought 
that  we  should  like  to  see  the  inside  of  an  Indian  prince's  pal 
ace,  and  so  we  did. 

Miss  Meechim  of  course  woudn't  consent  to  let  Dorothy 
go  anywhere  nigh  such  a  place,  and  I  guess  she  disinfected 
her  clothes  before  she  see  Dorothy  when  she  got  back; 
'tennyrate,  I  see  her  winder  up  and  her  dress  hangin'  over 
a  chair.  Arvilly  didn't  want  to  go,  and  as  she  wuzn't  in 
vited,  it  made  it  real  convenient  for  her  to  not  want  to.  And 
of  course  I  couldn't  take  my  pardner.  Why,  that  good, 
moral  man  would  be  flowed  from  by  them  wimmen  as  if  he 
had  the  plague.  Dorothy  and  Robert  wuz  a-goin'  to  Heliop- 
olis  and  offered  to  take  Tommy  with  'em.  And  Miss 
Meechim  and  I  accordin'ly  sot  off  alone. 

The  palace  stood  in  beautiful  grounds  and  is  a  noble- 
lookin'  building.  We  wuz  met  at  the  entrance  to  the  gar 
den  by  four  handsome  native  girls  with  beautiful  silk  dresses 
on,  handsome  turbans,  satin  slippers  and  jewelry  enough  for 
a  dozen  wimmen. 

They  took  our  hands,  each  on  us  walkin'  between  two 
on  'em,  for  all  the  world  as  if  we  wuz  prisoners,  till  we  got 
to  the  gates  of  the  palace,  and  here  two  black  males,  dressed 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     259 

as  rich  as  a  president  or  minister,  met  us,  and  four  more 
gayly  dressed  female  slaves. 

These  girls  took  Miss  Meechim's  cape  and  my  mantilly 
and  laid  'em  away.  Then  we  went  through  a  long  hall  and 
up  a  magnificent  marble  staircase,  with  a  girl  on  each  side 
on  us  agin  jest  as  if  we  wuz  bein'  took  to  jail.  We  then  went 
into  a  large  beautiful  room  where  the  Princess'  Lady  of 
Honor  wuz  tryin',  I  spoze,  to  be  jest  as  honorable  as  she 
could  be.  But  to  my  surprise  she  handed  us  the  first  thing 
some  coffee  and  pipes  to  smoke.  But  such  a  pipe  never  en 
tered  Jonesville.  Why,  the  pipe  stem  was  six  feet  long, 
amber  and  gold,  diamonds  and  rubies.  Good  land!  it  wuz 
most  enough  to  get  a  perfessor  and  a  member  of  the  W.  C. 
T.  U.  to  smokin'.  But  I  wuzn't  to  be  enticed ;  I  sort  o'  waved 
it  off  graceful  and  drinked  a  little  coffee,  which  wuz  good, 
and  if  you'll  believe  it  the  little  holders  that  held  our  cups 
wuz  all  covered  with  diamonds.  Then  six  more  slaves,  jest 
as  pretty,  with  jest  as  fine  clothes  and  with  as  many  jewels, 
came  to  tell  us  the  Princess  would  see  us.  And  we  went 
with  them  through  room  after  room,  each  one  seemin'ly 
more  elegant  than  the  others,  till  we  reached  the  door  of  a 
great  grand  apartment,  and  here  the  Princess  wuz  sur 
rounded  by  more  slaves,  dressed  handsomer  than  any  we'd 
seen  yet. 

She  come  forward  to  meet  us  and  led  the  way  to  a  beauti 
ful  divan,  where  we  sot  down.  Here  they  offered  us  some 
more  of  the  beautiful  jewelled  pipes  agin,  and  agin  I  stood 
firm  and  so  did  Miss  Meechim,  but  the  Princess  smoked  a 
little.  But  the  tobacco  wuz  perfumed  so  delightfully  that 
there  wuz  no  tobacco  smell  to  it. 

Then  coffee  wuz  passed  agin  in  a  jewelled  cup  and  agin 
I  sipped  a  little  on't,  thinkin'  like  as  not  it  would  keep  me 
awake  it  wuz  so  strong,  but  knowin'  that  I  had  got  to  be 
polite  anyway  in  such  a  time  as  this. 

She  talked  quite  good  English  and  we  had  a  pleasant 
visit  with  her,  and  anon  she  took  each  on  us  by  the  hand — 


260     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

for  all  the  world  they  acted  as  if  we  wuz  infants  and  couldn't 
walk  alone — and  led  us  through  the  magnificent  rooms  with 
lofty  mirrors,  furniture  covered  with  costly  Persian  cloth 
embroidered  with  gold  and  silver,  great  rugs  of  the  most 
exquisite  color  and  texture,  mounds  of  flowers,  baskets  and 
vases  everywhere  running  over  with  them,  makin'  the  air 
sweet  with  their  perfume. 

In  one  room  there  wuz  no  winders,  the  walls  bein'  made 
of  glitterin'  mirrors  sot  in  gilded  frames,  light  comin'  down 
through  stained  glass  in  the  gilded  ceiling. 

On  the  Princess'  toilet  table  wuz  a  large  gold  tray  holdin' 
a  basin  of  perfumed  water,  and  white  silk  towels  embroidered 
in  gold  and  silver. 

I  remembered  my  crash  and  huck-a-buck  towels  and 
thought  to  myself  I  didn't  know  what  she  would  do  if  she 
ever  come  to  see  me,  unless  I  took  one  of  Josiah's  silk  hand 
kerchiefs  for  her  to  wipe  her  hands  on.  But  concluded  I 
would  do  that  if  she  ever  paid  my  visit.  And  I  thought  the 
minute  I  got  home  I  would  paint  the  bowl  of  the  pipe  we  had 
used  for  tizik,  a  pale  blue  or  pink,  and  dry  some  extra  fine 
mullen  leaves  and  catnip  blows,  they  smell  real  sweet  to  me, 
and  I  knew  they  would  be  good  for  her  bronkial  tubes  any 
way.  And  I  laid  out  to  make  up  in  a  warm  welcome  what  we 
lacked  in  luxury. 

Well,  the  last  room  we  went  into  we  wuz  served  in  tiny 
cups  with  a  delicate  drink.  Lemonade,  I  guess  it  wuz,  or 
orange  and  fruit  juice  of  some  kind.  It  wuz  served  to  us  in 
jewelled  cups  and  we  had  gold  embroidered  napkins.  Here 
the  Princess  thanked  us  for  our  visit  and  retired,  followed 
by  the  slaves  who  had  gone  with  us  through  the  palace. 

And  we  went  down  the  staircase  with  a  girl  on  each  side 
on  us  jest  as  we  went  up,  so  if  Miss  Meechim  and  I  had  had 
any  mind  to  break  away  and  act,  we  couldn't,  and  went  to  our 
carriage  waited  on  jest  as  when  we  come.  Miss  Meechirp 
said  as  we  started  back; 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     261 

"  Did  you  ever  see  the  like?  Was  you  prepared  to  see 
such  magnificence,  Josiah  Allen's  wife?  " 

And  I  told  her  I  wuz  partly  prepared,  for  I  had  read  the 
Arabian  Night's  Entertainment. 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  "  it  goes  fur  beyend  my  wildest  dreams 
of  luxury." 

When  we  got  back  to  the  tarven  we  found  that  Robert 
Strong  had  been  delayed  by  a  visitor  and  wuz  jest  startin' 
for  Heliopolis,  and  Miss  Meechim  and  I  bein'  all  ready  we 
turned  round  and  went  with  'em. 

Heliopolis  hain't  so  grand  lookin'  as  its  name.  It  is  a 
little  Arab  town  six  miles  from  Cairo.  The  low  houses  are 
made  of  mud  and  nasty  inside,  I  believe;  they  don't  look 
much  like  Jonesville  houses.  The  oldest  and  greatest  col 
lege  once  stood  here.  Here,  too,  wuz  the  hant  of  that  immor 
tal  bird,  the  Phenix,  who  raised  himself  to  life  every  five 
hundred  years.  (Josiah  don't  believe  a  word  on't,  and  I 
don't  know  as  I  do.)  But  we  do  spoze  that  wuz  the  very 
place  where  Joseph  married  the  daughter  of  Mr.  Potiphar, 
doin'  dretful  well,  it  wuz  spozed  by  her  folks,  but  he  wuz 
plenty  good  enough  for  her,  I  think,  and  so  Josiah  duz. 

And  right  in  this  neighborhood  Alexander  the  Great 
marched  round  and  camped  on  his  way  to  Memphis.  So 
you  can  see  it  wuz  interestin'  in  a  good  many  ways. 

But  the  Virgin's  Tree  wuz  what  we  wanted  to  see.  It  is 
a  fig  sycamore;  its  trunk  is  twenty  feet  in  diameter  and  its 
branches  spread  out  and  cover  a  great  space.  But  its  size 
wuzn't  what  we  went  to  see.  Under  this  tree  Joseph  and 
Mary  rested  whilst  they  wuz  fleeing  to  Egypt  from  them 
that  sought  the  young  Child's  life.  Our  Lord  himself  had 
been  under  this  very  tree  that  wuz  bendin'  over  me.  My 
emotions  wuz  such  that  I  didn't  want  any  on  'em  to  see  my 
face ;  I  went  apart  from  'em  and  sot  down  on  a  little  seat  not 
fur  off  from  the  fence  that  protects  this  tree  from  relic 
hunters.  And  I  had  a  large  number  of  emotions  as  I  sot 
there  lookin'  up  into  the  green  branches. 


262     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

I  wondered  how  Mary  felt  as  she  sot  there.  She  knowed 
she  wuz  carryin'  a  sacred  burden  on  her  bosom.  The  Star 
that  had  guided  the  wise  men  to  the  cradle  of  her  Baby 
had  shone  full  into  his  face  and  she'd  seen  the  Divinity  there. 
Angels  had  heralded  His  birth;  the  frightened  king  looked 
upon  Him  as  one  who  would  take  his  kingdom  from  him, 
and  an  angel  had  bidden  them  to  take  the  Child  and  flee  to 
Egypt. 

And  how  happy  Joseph  and  Mary  wuz  as  they  sot  down 
under  this  tree.  All  their  journey  over  the  weary  rocky 
roads,  over  the  mountains,  through  the  streams  and  the 
valleys,  and  over  the  sandy  desert  they  dassent  rest,  but  wuz 
lookin'  behind  'em  all  the  time  as  they  pressed  forward,  ex- 
pectin'  to  hear  the  gallopin'  steeds  of  the  king,  and  to  hear 
the  cruel  cries  of  his  blood-thirsty  soldiers.  Why,  just  think 
on't:  every  other  baby  boy  in  the  country  put  to  death  jest 
to  be  sure  of  makin'  way  with  the  child  that  she  held  to  her 
bosom.  How  would  any  mother  have  felt;  how  would  any 
mother's  heart  beat  and  soul  faint  within  'em  as  they  plodded 
away  on  a  donkey,  knowin'  that  the  swiftest  horses  of  the 
king  wuz  mebby  follerin'  clost  behind?  But  it  wuz  all  past 
now;  under  the  shade  of  this  noble  old  tree  Mary  sot  down, 
happiness  in  her  tired  eyes,  ontold  relief  in  the  weary  heart  on 
which  the  Child  leaned. 

I  believe  they  laid  down  there  under  the  starry  heavens 
and  went  to  sleep;  mebby  the  Star  shone  down  on  'em  as 
they  slep',  seein'  they  wuz  safe  now  and  Herod  couldn't 
touch  'em  even  if  he  wuz  clost  to  'em. 

Egypt,  blessed  be  thy  turf  and  thy  skies  forever  more, 
since  thou  hast  sheltered  the  Lord ! 

And  while  back  in  Jerusalem  the  blood-thirsty  soldiers 
wuz  rushin'  to  and  fro  seekin'  for  the  young  Child  that  they 
might  destroy  him,  and  in  his  palace  King  Herod  lay  in 
troubled  sleep  under  the  close-drawn  curtains  of  the  royal 
couch,  slaves  watchin'  outside  the  room,  slaves  watchin'  his 
fearful  thorn-strewn  pillow,  the  little  Child  that  he  feared 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    263 

and  sought  to  destroy,  slept  with  the  clear  midnight  sky 
bendin'  over  his  sweet  slumber,  its  matchless  blue  curtain 
looped  up  with  stars,  hung  with  the  great  silver  night  lamp 
of  the  crescent  moon.  His  bed-chamber  the  broad  plains 
and  mountains  and  valleys  of  the  world  Which  should  yet 
own  his  peaceful  sway.  His  guard  the  shining  angels  that 
had  flown  down  to  herald  His  coming  on  the  fields  of  Bethle 
hem.  Sleep  well,  little  Child,  with  thy  kingdom  outstretched 
about  thee,  the  hull  grief-smitten  world,  upon  which  thou 
wast  to  lay  thy  hands  and  heal  its  woes  and  wounds.  The 
divine  clothin'  itself  in  the  sad  garments  of  humanity  that  it 
might  lift  it  up  into  heavenly  heights. 

Well,  we  stayed  there  quite  a  spell.  Robert,  I  could  see, 
felt  a  good  deal  as  I  did  and  so  did  Dorothy;  I  read  in  her 
sweet  eyes  the  tender  light  that  meant  many  things.  But 
Miss  Meechim  had  doubts  about  the  tree.  She  looked  all 
round  it,  and  felt  of  the  low,  drooping  branches  and  looked 
clost  at  the  bark.  She  is  a  great  case  for  the  bark  of  things, 
Miss  Meechim  is,  you  know  some  be.  They  will  set  their 
microscopes  on  a  little  mite  of  bark  and  argy  for  hours  about 
it,  but  don't  think  of  the  life  that  is  goin'  on  underneath. 
The  divine  vitality  of  truth  that  animates  the  hidden  soul 
of  things.  They  think  more  of  the  creeds,  the  outward  husks 
of  things  than  the  inside  life  and  truth.  Miss  Meechim  said 
with  her  eye  still  on  the  bark  that  no  tree  could  live  two  cen 
turies  and  still  look  so  vigorous. 

But  I  sez,  "  Mount  Sinai  looks  pretty  firm  and  stiddy,  and 
the  Red  Sea  I  spoze  looks  jest  about  as  red  and  hearty  as  it 
did  when  the  Israelites  crossed  it." 

She  wuz  examinin'  the  bark  through  her  eye  glasses,  but 
she  said  mountains  and  seas  could  stand  more  than  a  tree 
And  I  said  I  guessed  the  hand  that  made  a  tree  could  keep  it 
alive. 

And  I  knew  that  it  didn't  make  any  difference  anyway. 
This  wuz  the  road  they  come  and  they  had  to  rest  anyway, 
and  it  stood  to  reason  they  would  rest  under  a  tree,  and  I  felt 


264     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

that  this  wuz  the  tree,  though  it  might  have  been  another  one 
nigh  by.  And  while  Miss  Meechim's  mind  was  all  taken  up 
lookin'  at  the  bark  of  that  tree,  my  mind  wuz  full  of  this 
great  fact  and  truth,  that  the  Child  wuz  saved  from  his  ene 
mies.  And  while  the  kingdom  of  the  wicked  king  has  been 
covered  and  lost  from  sight  under  the  sands  of  time  for  cen 
turies,  the  kingdom  of  the  Holy  Child  stands  firmer  to-day 
than  ever  before,  and  is  broadening  and  widening  all  the 
time,  teaching  the  true  brotherhood  of  man,  and  fatherhood 
of  God.  This  is  the  great  truth,  all  the  branching  creeds 
and  arguments  and  isms,  they  are  only  the  bark. 

Nigh  by  the  tree  stands  a  tall  piller  sixty-four  feet  high, 
covered  with  strange  writin'.  As  I  looked  at  it  I  thought  I 
would  gin  a  dollar  bill  to  have  read  that  writin',  no  knowin' 
what  strange  secrets  of  the  past  would  have  been  revealed  to 
me.  But  I  couldn't  read  it,  it  is  dretful  writin'.  Josiah  some 
times  makes  fun  of  my  handwritin'  and  calls  it  ducks'  tracks, 
but  I  thought  that  if  he'd  seen  this  he'd  thought  that  mine 
wuz  like  print  compared  to  it.  They  say  that  this  is  the  old 
est  obelisk  in  Egypt,  and  that  is  sayin'  a  good  deal,  for 
Egypt  is  full  of  former  greatness  old  as  the  hills. 

Here  in  the  East  civilization  begun,  and  gradual,  gradual 
it  stalked  along  towards  the  West,  and  is  slowly,  slowly 
marchin'  on  round  the  world  back  to  where  it  started  from, 
and  when  the  round  world  is  belted  with  knowledge  and 
Christianity,  then  mebby  will  come  the  thousand  years  of 
peace,  the  millennium  the  Scriptures  have  foretold,  when  the 
lamb  shall  lay  down  with  the  lion  and  a  young  child  shall 
lead  them.  I  spoze  the  young  child  means  the  baby  Peace 
that  shall  bime-by  lead  the  nations  along  into  the  World 
Beautiful.  And  there  shall  be  no  more  war. 


CHAPTER   XXIII 

AIRO  is  different  from  any  other  city  under  the 
sun,  and  after  you've  been  there  when  you  shet 
you  eyes  and  see  it  agin  in  memory,  the  brilliant 
colorin'  sheds  its  picturesque  glow  over  the 
brilliant  seen.  The  deep  bright  blue  of  the 
sky,  the  splendor  of  the  sunlight,  the  dazzlin'  white  of  the 
buildings,  the  soft  mellow  brown  of  the  desert  and  the  green 
of  the  tropical  foliage  always  comes  back  to  brighten  the 
panorama. 

And  the  crowds  of  people  from  all  parts  of  the  world, 
each  dressed  in  his  and  her  natural  costume,  every  style  of 
dress  and  every  color  under  the  sun.  And  the  milds  of 
bazars,  little  booths  about  ten  feet  square  but  all  runnin'  over 
with  the  richest  embroideries,  silken  fabrics,  gold,  silver, 
amber  and  everything  else  gorgeous.  Then  there  is  the  new 
part  of  Cairo,  the  broad,  long  streets  lined  with  magnificent 
buildin's.  The  great  Citadel  of  Cairo  and  the  Alabaster 
Mosque  up  on  a  rocky  height,  six  hundred  feet  above  the 
city.  The  Citadel  wuz  built  by  Saladin  in  noo,  most  a  thou 
sand  years  ago.  Where  is  Mr.  Saladin  and  his  folks?  and 
his  dynasty?  All  forgot  centuries  ago,  but  the  work  he 
thought  out  is  here  still.  The  Mosque  is  the  only  building 
in  the  world  built  of  alabaster;  it  wuz  begun  by  Mehemet 
AH,  the  great-grandfather  of  the  Khedive.  The  alabaster 
looks  like  satin,  amber  and  white  color,  mebby  some  of  my 
readers  have  got  a  little  alabaster  box  or  figger  that  they 
set  store  by,  it  is  so  costly  and  fine.  Then  think  of  a  hull 
buildin'  three  hundred  feet  square  built  of  it.  The  ruff  is 
uplifted  by  alabaster  columns;  the  alabaster  galleries  are  a 
hundred  feet  above  the  floor.  The  gilded  dome  can  be  seen 


266     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

twenty  or  thirty  milds  away.  The  view  from  the  terrace  in 
front  is  so  beautiful  that  you  don't  want  to  leave  it.  The 
city  lies  before  you  and  a  long  view  of  the  Nile,  rich  gardens, 
green  fields,  towering  palms,  the  pyramids  standin'  like 
ghosts  out  of  the  past,  Memphis,  oldest  city  of  the  world. 
Turn  your  head  and  there  is  the  land  of  Goshen ;  how  many 
times  amidst  the  overwhelmin'  cares  of  a  Jonesville  kitchen 
have  we  mentioned  "  Land  of  Goshen,"  but  solemn  now  to 
look  at  and  contemplate  as  the  home  of  the  patriarchs.  Only 
two  milds  off  down  the  Nile  is  the  spot  where  Napoleon 
fought  with  the  Mamelukes  and  won  the  Battle  of  the  Pyra 
mids.  And  jest  under  you  as  you  look  down,  you  see  the  ruff 
of  the  Egyptian  Museum  where  the  body  of  Ramesis  lays, 
once  rulin'  with  a  high  hand  he  and  his  folks,  as  many  as 
a  dozen  of  'em,  over  all  the  land  our  stranger  eyes  looked 
down  on.  But  now  they're  nothin'  but  a  side  show,  as  you 
may  say  in  a  museum. 

Josiah  wuz  dretful  took  with  the  sights  of  shops  on  either 
side  of  the  narrow  streets  of  old  Cairo  and  all  sorts  of  trades 
bein'  carried  on  there  right  out  doors ;  goldsmiths  and  silver 
smiths  makin'  their  jewelry  right  there  before  you,  and  Jo 
siah  sez :  "  I  lay  out  to  have  a  shop  rigged  out  doors  to  hum 
and  make  brooms  and  feather  dusters;  and  why  don't  you, 
Samantha;  how  uneek  it  would  be  for  you  to  have  your 
sewin'-machine  or  your  quiltin'-frames  in  the  corner  of  the 
fence  between  us  and  old  Bobbett's,  and  have  a  bedquilt  or 
a  crazy  blanket  draped  behind  you  on  the  fence.  You  could 
have  a  kind  of  a  turban  if  you  wanted  to ;  I  would  lend  you 
one  of  my  bandannas.  I'm  goin'  to  wear  'em  in  my  bazar 
when  I  rig  one  up,  and  my  dressin'-gown,  and  I  shall  have 
Ury  wear  one  and  sandals.  I  can  make  some  crackin'  good 
sandals  for  us  all  out  of  shingles,  and  lace  'em  on  with  col 
ored  ribbins.  How  dressy  they  will  make  me  look.  I  shall 
lace  my  sandals  on  with  yeller  and  red  baby  ribbin,  them 
colors  are  so  becomin'  and  make  my  complexion  look  fairer. 
We  shall  jest  coin  money  out  of  my  bazar,  and  I  shall  write 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     267 

to  Ury  to  put  in  a  piece  of  broom  corn,  and  mebby  we  shall 
make  jewelry;  we  could  make  some  good  mournin'  jewelry 
out  of  coal  and  lam-black." 

Well,  I  didn't  argy  with  him,  thinkin'  most  probable  that 
he'd  forgit  it,  but  Arvilly,  who  wuz  with  us,  sez :  "  I  guess  it 
would  be  mournin'  jewelry  in  good  earnest  if  you  made  it; 
I  guess  it  would  make  anybody  mourn  to  see  it,  let  alone 
wearin'  it." 

"  Wait  till  you  see  it,"  sez  he. 

And  she  sez,  "I  am  perfectly  willin'  to  wait." 

"  But  I  shan't  set  on  the  floor  as  they  do  here,"  sez  he, 
"  I  am  sorry  for  some  of  them  poor  old  men  that  can't  afford 
chairs,  and  I  would  be  perfectly  willin'  to  make  'em  some 
stools  if  they'd  furnish  the  lumber." 

Sez  I,  "  It's  their  way,  Josiah,  they  like  it." 

"  I  don't  believe  it,"  sez  he ;  "  nobody  loves  to  scrooch 
down  flat  with  their  legs  under  'em  numb  as  sticks."  But 
right  whilst  we  were  talkin'  we  met  a  funeral  procession. 
The  head  one  had  hard  work  to  git  through  the  crowd  cry 
ing  out : 

"  There  is  no  deity  but  God !  Mohammed  is  his  apostle !  " 
Then  come  some  boys  singin'  a  funeral  him;  and  then  the 
bier,  borne  by  friends  of  the  corpse  and  covered  by  a  hand 
some  shawl.  Then  come  the  hired  mourners — wimmen — 
for  I  spoze  they  think  they're  used  to  mournin'  and  can  earn 
their  money  better.  Tennyrate,  these  screeched  and  wailed 
and  tore  their  hair  and  beat  their  breast-bone  as  if  they  meant 
to  earn  their  money.  Then  come  the  relatives  and  friends. 
Of  course,  they  no  need  to  have  wep'  a  tear,  havin'  hired  it 
done.  But  they  did  seem  to  feel  real  bad,  they  couldn't  have 
wept  and  wailed  any  more  if  they  had  been  hired  to.  Josiah 
sez: 

"  Samantha,  when  I'm  took,  if  you  hire  anybody  to  mourn 
get  some  better  lookin'  females  than  these.  I  had  almost 
ruther  die  onlamented  than  to  have  such  lookin'  creeters 
weepin'  over  my  remains ;  now  some  fair  lookin'  females  such 


268     AROUND  THE  WORLD  "WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

as  sister  Celestine  Bobbett  and  she  that  wuz  Submit  Tewks- 
bury " 

But  I  interrupted  him  by  telling  him  truly  that  no  hired 
tears  would  fall  on  his  beloved  face  if  I  outlived  him,  and  no 
boughten  groans  would  be  hearn.  Sez  I,  "  The  tears  of  true 
love  and  grief  would  bedew  your  forward." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  it  would  be  my  wishes." 

As  we  wended  our  way  along  we  met  several  water- 
carriers  with  leather  bottles,  jest  such  a  one  as  Hagar  took 
with  her  and  Ishmael  out  in  the  desert,  and  it  wuz  on  this 
same  desert  whose  sands  wuz  siftin'  in  about  us  every 
chance  it  had  that  she  lay  the  child  down  to  die  and  angels 
come  and  fed  him.  And,  also,  it  bein'  along  towards  night 
we  met  several  shepherds;  one  wuz  carryin'  a  tired  lamb  in 
his  arms.  They  wuz  patriarkal  in  appearance  and  dressed 
jest  like  the  Bible  pictures.  I  felt  as  though  I  had  met  Abra 
ham  or  Isaac  onbeknown  to  them. 

Another  sight  that  impressed  my  pardner  fearfully  wuz 
the  howlin'  dervishes — we'd  hearn  about  'em  a  sight,  and 
so  we  thought  we  would  go  and  hear  'em  howl.  By  payin' 
a  little  backsheesh  (which  is  money)  we  got  permission  to  at 
tend  one  of  their  religious  meetin's.  There  wuz  a  chief  or 
Sheik,  which  Josiah  always  called  a  "  shack  " — and  I  d'jio 
but  he  wuz  well  named — and  about  twenty  or  thirty  howlers 
in  long  white  robes.  They  made  a  low  bow  to  the  Shack 
and  then  knelt  round  him  in  a  circle;  then  they  bowed  agin 
a  number  of  times  clear  to  the  floor  and  begun  to  sing  or 
pray.  I  d'no  what  you  would  call  it,  but  the  axents  wuz 
dretful  and  the  music  that  accompanied  it  harrowin'  in  the 
extreme.  Then  they  got  up  and  bowed  agin  to  the  Shack 
and  begun  to  shake  their  heads  and  their  arms  and  their 
feet  rapid  and  voylent,  all  keepin'  time  to  the  music,  or  what 
I  spoze  they  called  music,  their  hair  hangin'  loose,  their  yellin' 
fearful,  and  then  they  begun  to  whirl  like  a  top  spinnin' 
round,  faster  and  faster,  whirlin'  and  howlin'  and  shriekin'  till 
they  couldn't  howl  or  whirl  any  longer.  Then  the  mettin' 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    -269 

broke  up  as  you  may  say,  they  formed  a  half  circle  agin 
round  the  Shack,  bowed  to  the  ground  before  him  and  fell 
down  perfectly  wore  out  on  the  floor.  I  should  have  thought 
they'd  died.  Why,  I  couldn't  have  stood  it  and  lived  nor 
Josiah  couldn't ;  it  wuz  all  we  could  stand  to  see  it  go  on. 

One  day  Miss  Meechim  and  I  visited  an  American  Mission 
School  for  Arab  and  Egyptian  children,  and  it  wuz  from 
one  of  these  very  schools  that  one  of  the  Rajahs  or  native 
princes  took  his  wife.  She  wuz  a  little  donkey  driver,  and 
the  teacher  of  the  Mission,  liking  her  and  pitying  her,  got 
permission  of  her  mother  (a  poor  donkey  driver  of  Cairo 
living  in  a  mud  hut)  to  take  the  child  into  her  school.  When 
she  wuz  about  fourteen  years  old  the  Rajah,  who  had  ac 
cepted  the  Christian  religion,  visited  this  school,  and  the  little 
girl  wuz  teaching  a  class  of  barefooted  Egyptian  girls,  sittin' 
on  the  floor  about  her. 

Who  can  tell  the  mysteries  of  love?  Like  lightning  it 
strikes  where  it  will  and  must.  Why  should  this  Prince,  edu 
cated  in  England,  a  friend  of  Queen  Victoria,  who  had  seen 
beautiful  women  all  his  days  onmoved,  why  should  he  fall 
in  love  with  this  little  girl,  late  a  donkey  driver  in  the  streets 
of  Cairo  ? 

I  d'no,  but  so  it  wuz,  and  he  told  the  lady  in  charge  of 
the  school  that  he  wanted  to  make  her  his  wife.  She  wuz 
greatly  surprised,  and  not  knowin'  he  wuz  what  he  said  he 
wuz,  asked  him  polite  to  go  away  and  select  some  other 
bride.  But  the  next  day  he  come  back,  sent  in  his  card  and 
a  autograph  letter  from  Queen  Victoria,  and  agin  expressed 
his  desire  to  marry  the  bright-eyed  little  Egyptian. 

When  the  subject  wuz  broached  to  her  she  wep'  and 
pleaded  not  to  be  sold  into  slavery,  spozin'  that  wuz  what 
it  meant  But  the  Prince  made  her  understand  that  he 
wanted  her  for  his  wife,  and  she  consented  to  be  educated  in 
a  fitting  manner,  and  at  last  the  weddin'  took  place  at  the 
home  of  the  teacher. 

The  Prince  took  his  wife  to  London,  where  she  wuz  pre- 


270     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

sented  at  Court,  and  makes  him  a  good  wife,  so  fur  as  I 
know,  and  they  say  she's  dretful  good  to  the  poor;  'tenny- 
rate  the  Prince  must  think  a  good  deal  of  her,  for  he  pre 
sented  every  year  one  thousand  pounds  to  help  on  the  school 
where  he  found  his  Princess.  This  story  is  true  and  is 
stranger  than  most  lies. 

I  spoze  that  from  that  time  on  all  the  dark-eyed  little 
Egyptian  maids  in  that  school  wuz  lookin'  out  anxiously  to 
see  some  prince  comin'  in  and  claim  'em  and  make  a  royal 
princess  of  'em.  But  one  swallow  don't  make  a  spring; 
I  don't  spoze  there  has  been  or  will  be  agin  such  a  romance. 

Josiah  said  that  we  must  not  leave  Cairo  without  seein' 
Pharo.  Josiah  said  he  felt  real  well  acquainted  with  him, 
havin'  read  about  him  so  much.  Sez  he,  "He  wuz  a  mean 
creeter  as  ever  trod  shoe-leather  and  I'd  love  to  tell  him  so." 

They  keep  him  in  the  Museum  of  Cairo  now,  a  purpose, 
I  spoze,  to  scare  folks  from  doin'  what  he  did,  for  a  humblier 
lookin'  creeter  I  never  see,  and  hard  lookin' ;  I  don't  wonder 
a  mite  at  the  bad  things  I've  hearn  tell  on  him;  why,  a  man 
that  looked  like  that  wuz  sure  to  be  mean  as  pusley.  He 
looked  as  if  he  wuz  bein'  plagued  now  with  every  single 
plague  that  fell  on  him  for  his  cruelty  and  I  d'no  but  he  is.  I 
wonder  that  the  Israelites  got  along  with  'him  so  long  as  they 
did;  Josiah  wouldn't  have  stood  it  a  week,  he's  that  quick 
tempered  and  despises  the  idee  of  bein'  bossed  round,  and 
how  Pharo  did  drive  them  poor  children  of  Israel  round; 
ground  'em  right  down  to  his  terms,  wouldn't  let  'em  say 
their  soul  wuz  their  own,  worked  'em  most  to  death,  half 
starved  'em,  wouldn't  give  'em  any  rights,  not  a  single  right. 
But  as  I  sez  to  Josiah,  he  got  his  come-up-ance  for  his  heart 
less  cruelty,  he  got  plagued  enough  and  drownded  in  the 
bargain. 

He's  a  mummy  now.  Yes,  as  Josiah  sez  when  he  looked 
on  him : 

"  You've  got  to  be  mum  now,  no  givin'  orders  to  your 
poor  overworked  hired  help  in  your  brick-fields,  not  lettin' 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     271 

'em  have  even  a  straw  that  they  begged  for  to  lighten  their 
burden.  The  descendants  of  them  folks  you  driv  round  can 
stand  here  and  poke  fun  at  you  all  day  and  you've  got  to 
keep  your  mouth  shet.  Yes,"  sez  he,  "you've  got  to  a  place 
now  where  you  can't  be  yellin'  out  your  orders,  you've  got 
to  be  mum,  for  you're  a  mummy." 

I  didn't  love  to  have  Josiah  stand  and  sass  Pharo  right 
to  his  face,  but  it  seemed  so  gratifyin'  to  him  I  hated  to  break 
it  up,  and  I  felt  towards  him  jest  as  he  did,  and  Arvilly  and 
Miss  Meechim  felt  jest  as  we  did  about  it;  they  loathed  his 
looks,  hatin'  what  he'd  done  so  bad.  But  I  thought  from 
what  I  hearn  Robert  Strong  sayin'  to  Dorothy  that  he  had 
doubts  about  his  being  the  real  Bible  Pharo,  there  wuz  quite 
a  lot  of  them  kings  by  the  same  name,  you  know.  But  Miss 
Meechim  hearn  him  and  assured  him  that  this  was  the  very 
Pharo  who  so  cruelly  tortured  the  Israelites  and  who  was 
drownded  by  the  Lord  for  his  cruelty,  she  knew  it  by  her 
feelings.  And  she  said  she  was  so  glad  that  she  had  seen 
for  herself  the  great  truth  that  the  Pharo  spirit  of  injustice 
and  cruelty  wuz  crushed  forever. 

But  Robert  said  that  Pharo's  cruelty  sprang  from  un 
limited  power  and  from  havin'  absolute  control  over  a  weaker 
and  helpless  class ;  he  said  that  would  arouse  the  Pharo  spirit 
in  any  man.  That  spirit,  he  said,  was  creeping  into  our 
American  nation,  the  great  Trusts  and  Monopolies  formed 
for  the  enrichment  of  the  few  and  the  poverty  of  the  many; 
what  are  they  but  the  Pharo  spirit  of  personal  luxury  and 
greed  and  dominion  over  the  poor? 

I  knew  he  was  thinkin'  of  his  City  of  Justice,  where  every 
man  had  the  opportunity  to  work  and  the  just  reward  of  his 
labor,  where  Charity  (a  good  creeter  Charity  is  too)  stayed 
in  the  background,  not  bein'  needed  here,  and  Justice  walked 
in  her  place.  Where  Justice  and  Labor  walked  hand  in  hand 
into  ways  of  pleasantness  and  paths  of  peace.  He  didn't  say 
nothin'  about  his  own  doin's,  it  wuzn't  his  way,  but  I  hearn 
him  say  to  Dorothy: 


272     AROUND  THS  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  The  Voice  is  speaking  now  to  America  as  it  did  to 
Egypt,  Let  my  people  go,  out  of  their  helpless  bondage  and 
poverty  into  better,  more  just  and  humane  ways,  but  America 
doesn't  listen.  The  rich  stand  on  the  piled  up  pyramid  of 
the  poor,  Capital  enslaves  Labor  and  drives  it  with  the  iron 
bit  of  remorseless  power  and  the  sharp  spur  of  Necessity 
where  it  will.  But  there  must  be  a  day  of  reckoning;  the 
Voice  will  be  heard,  if  not  in  peace  with  the  sword : 

'For  the  few  shall  not  forever  sway 

The  many  toil  in  sorrow, 
We'll  sow  the  golden  grain  to-day, 
The  harvest  comes  to-morrow/  " 

But  the  greatest  sight  in  Cairo  and  mebby  the  hull  world 
is  the  Pyramaids. 

I  d'no  as  I  had  so  many  emotions  in  the  same  length  of 
time  durin'  my  hull  tower  as  I  did  lookin'  at  them  immense 
structures.  It  don't  seem  as  if  they  wuz  made  by  man ;  they 
seem  more  like  mountains  placed  there  by  the  same  hand 
that  made  the  everlastin'  hills.  They  say  that  it  took  three 
hundred  thousand  men  twenty  years  to  build  the  biggest  one. 
And  I  don't  doubt  it.  If  I  had  been  asked  to  draw  up  speci 
fications  I  wouldn't  have  took  the  job  for  a  day's  work 
less.  Why,  they  say  it  took  ten  years  to  build  the  road  over 
which  them  stuns  wuz  brought  from  the  Nile,  and  good 
land!  how  did  they  ever  do  it?  No  hands  nor  no  machinery 
that  we  know  anything  about  at  the  present  day  could  move 
one  of  them  stuns,  let  alone  bringin'  'em  from  heaven  knows 
where.  They  couldn't  have  been  got  into  any  boat,  and  how 
did  they  do  it?  I  d'no  nor  Josiah  don't.  Mebby  the  sphynx 
knows,  most  probable  she  duz,  but  she's  a  female  that  don't 
gfit  herself  into  trouble  talkin'  and  gossipin'.  Lots  of  wim- 
men  would  do  well  to  foller  her  example. 

From  the  first  minute  we  got  to  Cairo  and  long  enough 
before  that  we  had  lotted  on  seein'  the  Pyramaids,  Josiah  had 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     273 

talked  about  'em  a  sight,  and  told  me  time  and  agin  that  he 
did  want  to  see  the  spink,  he  had  got  to  see  the  spink. 

Sez  I,  "  You  mean  the  Sphynx,  Josiah." 

"  Yes,"  sez  he,  "  the  spink ;  I'm  bound  to  see  that.  I 
want  to  tell  Deacon  Henzy  and  Brother  Bobbett  about  it; 
they  crowed  over  me  quite  a  little  after  they  went  to  Loon- 
town  to  see  them  views  of  the  spink  and  the  Pyramaid  of 
Chops.  You  know  I  wuz  bed-sick  at  the  time  with  a  crick 
in  my  back.  I  guess  they'll  have  to  quirl  down  a  little  when 
I  tell  'em  I've  walked  round  the  spink  and  seen  old  Chops 
with  my  own  eyes." 

Well,  I  know  lots  of  folks  travel  with  no  higher  aim  than 
to  tell  their  exploits,  so  I  didn't  argy  with  him.  And  the 
hull  party  of  us  sot  off  one  pleasant  day  to  view  them  won 
ders;  they're  only  six  miles  from  Cairo.  The  Pyramaid  of 
Cheops  is  higher  than  any  structure  in  Europe;  the  Strass- 
burg  Cathedral  is  the  highest — that  is  four  hundred  and  sixty 
feet,  and  Cheops  is  four  hundred  and  eighty  feet  high.  Each 
of  its  sides  is  seven  hundred  and  sixty  feet  long  above  the 
sand,  and  I  d'no  how  much  bigger  it  is  underneath.  The 
wild  winds  from  the  desert  piles  up  that  sand  everywhere  it 
can ;  it  was  blowin'  aginst  that  pyramaid  three  or  four  thou 
sand  years  before  Christ  wuz  born,  and  has  kep'  at  it  ever 
sense;  so  it  must  have  heaped  up  piles  about  it.  The  pyra 
maid  is  made  of  immense  blocks  of  stun,  and  I  hearn  Josiah 
explainin'  it  out  to  Tommy.  Sez  he,  "  It  is  called  Chops 
because  the  stun  is  chopped  off  kinder  square." 

But  I  interrupted  and  sez,  "  Josiah  Allen,  this  wuz  named 
after  Cheops,  one  of  the  kings  of  Egypt ;  some  say  it  wuz  his 
tomb." 

Miss  Meechim  sez,  "  They  say  it  took  three  hundred 
thousand  men  twenty  years  to  build  it,"  and  she  remarked 
further,  "  How  many  days'  work  this  king  did  give  to  the 
poor,  and  how  good  it  wuz  in  him ! "  And  Robert  Strong 
said: 

18 


274     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Their  work  has  lasted  while  the  king  is  forgotten ;  labor 
against  capital,  labor  ahead." 

Dorothy  looked  dreamily  up  onto  the  immense  pile  and 
said  nothin'. 

Arvilly  said  if  she  had  a  long  whitewash  brush  she  would 
advertise  her  book,  the  "  Twin  Crimes,"  by  paintin'  a  drunken 
man  in  a  hovel  beatin'  his  wife  and  children,  whilst  America 
wuz  furnishin'  him  with  the  clubs,  and  the  "  Wild  and  War 
like  Deeds  of  Men  "  in  different  wild  and  warlike  attitudes. 

And  little  Tommy  wonnered  if  he  could  climb  up  on  it 
and  wonnered  what  anybody  could  see  from  the  top. 

And  I  looked  on  it  and  felt  as  if  I  could  almost  see  the 
march  of  the  centuries  defile  by  its  stubborn  old  sides,  and 
I  wondered  like  Tommy  what  one  could  look  off  and  see 
from  the  top,  gazing  out  acrost  our  centuries  so  full  of  won 
ders  and  inventions,  into  the  glowin'  mysteries  of  the  twenti 
eth  century. 

Robert  Strong  said  that  some  thought  it  wuz  built  for 
astronomical  purposes,  for  there  is  a  passage  down  three 
hundred  and  twenty  feet  from  the  bed  rock  from  which  you 
can  view  the  sky. 

"  And  some  think,"  sez  Dorothy,  "  it  wuz  built  to  meas 
ure  distances  correctly,  it  stands  true  east,  north,  south, 
west." 

And  Miss  Meechim  sez,  "  I  believe  it  wuz  built  for  re 
ligious  purposes :  the  interior  passages  have  many  stones  and 
symbols  that  are  a  mystery  to  every  one  unless  it  is  explained 
in  this  way." 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  I  believe  it  wuz  made  to  shet  up  folks  in 
that  got  drunk  and  acted.  Probable  there  wuz  some  even 
in  that  fur-off  time  that  made  fools  of  themselves  jest  as  they 
do  now,  and  old  Chops  built  it  to  shet  'em  up  in,  and  mebby 
he  wuz  shet  up  in  it,  too;  mebby  he  took  to  drinkin'.  I  wish 
I  could  have  sold  him  the  '  Twin  Crimes ' ;  it  would  have 
helped  him  a  sight,  but  I  wuzn't  born  soon  enough,"  sez  she, 
sithin'. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     275 

Tommy  stood  back  a  little,  lookin'  up  and  seein'  some 
people  half-way  to  the  top,  lookin'  like  flies  on  the  side  of  the 
meetin'  house,  said: 

"  I  wonner,  oh,  I  wonner  who  made  it  and  what  it  wuz 
made  for,  and  oh,  how  I  do  wonner  how  they  ever  got  them 
big  stones  to  the  top." 

And  I  sez  to  myself,  "  the  child  is  wiser  than  any  of  us. 
He  don't  try  to  measure  his  weak  surmises  on  them  great 
rocks  and  problems,  but  jest  wonders  at  it  all,  and  I  thought 
I  would  f6ller  his  example,  and  I  felt  considerable  better 
after  I  gin  up. 

Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  and  Arvilly  dumb  clear  to 
the  top,  helped  by  Arab  lifters  and  boosters.  Arvilly  and 
Dorothy  wuz  tuckered  when  they  come  down  and  they  both 
said  they  wouldn't  have  undertook  it  if  they  had  known  what 
a  job  it  wuz,  but  they  said  the  view  from  the  top  wuz  wonder 
ful,  wonderful!  and  I  spoze  it  wuz,  but  I  thought  I  would 
ruther  hear  'em  tell  on't  than  to  go  through  what  they  did 
gettin'  up  and  down,  and  Miss  Meechim,  I  guess,  felt  so  too. 

The  other  two  pyramaids  in  this  group  wuz  smaller  than 
Cheops  and  stood  not  fur  away.  The  Sphynx  stands  about  a 
quarter  of  a  mild  off,  lookin'  off  towards  the  east,  facin'  the 
risin'  sun.  I  wonder  if  she  expects  the  sunrise  of  civilization 
to  dawn  ag'in  into  her  sight.  'Tennyrate  she  seems  to  be 
lookin'  out  for  sunthin'. 

There  she  has  sot,  meditatin'  all  these  years.  She  wuz 
old,  old  as  the  hills  when  Christ  wuz  born.  What  hain't  them 
old  eyes  seen  if  she  senses  anything? 

From  Cairo  we  went  to  Alexandria,  where  we  made  a 
short  stay ;  we  couldn't  stay  long  anyway,  we  had  loitered  so 
on  the  journey.  Here  it  wuz  June.  Jerusalem  and  Bethle 
hem  and  Nazareth  we  must  visit,  and  still  how  could  we 
hurry  our  footsteps  in  these  sacred  places  that  our  soul  had 
so  longed  to  see? 

Alexandria  was  considerable  interestin'  on  several  ac 
counts  ;  it  wuz  the  home  of  Cleopatra,  and  the  home  of  Hy- 


276     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

patia,  the  friend  and  teacher  of  women.  A  smart  creeter 
Hypatia  Theon  wuz,  handsome  as  a  picter,  modest,  good 
appearin',  and  a  good  talker.  'Tennyrate  the  rooms  where 
she  lectured  on  philosophy  and  how  to  git  along  in  the  world 
wuz  crowded  with  appreciative  hearers,  and  I  spoze  Mr. 
Cyrel,  who  wuz  preachin'  there  at  the  time,  and  didn't  get 
nigh  so  many  to  hear  him,  wuz  mad  as  a  hen  at  her  for 
drawin'  away  the  head  men  and  wimmen.  'Tennyrate  she 
wuz  killed  and  burnt  up  some  time  ago,  a-goin'  on  two  thou 
sand  years.  Yes,  they  burnt  up  all  they  could  of  her;  they 
couldn't  burn  up  her  memory,  nor  liberty,  nor  the  love  of 
wimmin  for  talkin',  and  her  stiddy  practice  on't  when  she 
gits  a  chance,  not  bein'  able  to.  But  to  resoom : 

The  evenin'  we  got  there  Josiah  looked  out  of  our  winder 
and  see  a  camel  kneelin'  to  take  on  its  load,  and  sez  Josiah : 
"  If  I  could  train  the  old  mair  to  kneel  down  in  front  of  the 
Jonesville  meetin'  house  for  me  to  git  onto  her  back,  how 
uneek  it  would  look." 

Sez  I  coldly,  "  Then  you  lay  out  to  go  to  meetin'  horse 
back,  do  you?  And  where  should  I  be?  " 

"  Oh,  I  might  rent  a  camel  for  you  from  some  circus ; 
you  know  what  big  loads  camels  can  take  on,  they  can  carry 
a  ton  or  more,  and  it  could  carry  you  all  right." 

I  despise  such  talk,  I  don't  weigh  nigh  so  much  as  he 
makes  out. 

But  Josiah  went  on,  "  I  d'no  but  a  camel  could  carry  both 
on  us,  I  wouldn't  add  much  to  the  load,  I  don't  weigh  very 
hefty." 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  you're  not  very  hefty  anyway." 

But  good  land !  I  knew  he  couldn't  rent  any  camel ;  cir 
cuses  need  'em  more  than  we  do. 

The  next  day  we  all  went  out  to  see  Pompey's  Filler  which 
we  had  seen  towerin'  up  before  we  landed,  all  on  'em  ridin' 
donkeys  but  me,  but  I  not  being  much  of  a  hand  to  ride  on 
any  critter's  back,  preferred  to  go  in  a  chair  with  long  poles 
on  each  side,  carried  by  four  Arabs.  Pompey's  Filler  is 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     277 

most  a  hundred  feet  high.  Cleopatra's  Needles  wuz  brought 
from  Heliopolis.  One  is  standing;  the  other,  which  lay  for 
a  long  time  nearly  embedded  in  the  drifting  sand,  wuz  given 
as  a  present  by  Egypt  to  America,  where  it  stands  now  in 
Central  Park,  New  York.  To  see  the  mate  to  it  here  made 
us  feel  well  acquainted  with  it  and  kinder  neighborly.  But 
we  couldn't  read  the  strange  writin'  on  it  to  save  our  life. 
Some  say  that  they  wuz  raised  by  Cleopatra  in  honor  of  the 
birth  of  her  son,  Csesarion.  But  I  d'no  if  she  laid  out  to 
write  about  it  so's  I  could  read  it,  she'd  ort  to  write  plainer; 
I  couldn't  make  out  a  word  on't  nor  Josiah  couldn't. 

Cleopatra  wuz  dretful  good  lookin',  I  spoze,  and  a  uni 
versal  favorite  with  the  opposite  sect.  But  I  never  approved 
of  her  actions,  and  I  wished  as  I  stood  there  by  that  piller  of 
hern  that  I  could  gin  her  a  real  good  talkin'  to.  I  would  say 
to  her: 

"  Cleopatra,"  sez  I,  "  you  little  know  what  you're  a-doin'. 
Mebby  there  wouldn't  be  so  many  Dakota  and  Chicago 
divorces  in  1905  if  it  wuzn't  for  your  cuttin'  up  and  actin'  in 
B.  C.  I'd  say  stealin'  is  stealin',  and  some  wimmen  think  it 
is  worse  to  steal  their  husbands  away  from  'em  than  it  would 
be  to  steal  ten  pounds  of  butter  out  of  their  suller.  And 
that,  mom,  would  shet  any  woman  up  in  jail  as  you  well  know. 
And  you  know,  Cleopatra,"  sez  I,  "  jest  how  you  went  on 
and  behaved,  and  your  example  is  a-floatin'  down  the  River 
of  Time  to-day,  same  as  you  sailed  down  the  Sydnus  in  that 
barge  of  yourn.  And  to-day  your  descendants  or  influence 
posterity  sail  down  the  River  of  Time  in  picture  hats  and 
feather  boas,  makin'  up  eyes  and  castin'  languishin'  glances 
towards  poor  unguarded  men  till  they  steal  their  hearts  and 
souls  right  out  of  their  bodies;  steal  all  the  sweetness  and 
brightness  out  of  some  poor  overworked  woman's  life,  and 
if  they  don't  take  the  body  of  their  husband  nothin'  is  said 
or  done.  Good  land!  what  would  I  care  for  Josiah  Allen's 
body  if  his  love  had  been  stole.  I  would  tell  the  woman  to 
take  that  in  welcome  sence  she  had  all  the  rest.  But  they 


278     AROUND  THE  WOItTiD  WITH  JVSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

sail  along  down  the  River  of  Life,  coquettin'  with  weak, 
handsome  male  Antonys,  who  had  better  be  to  home  with 
their  own  lawful  Octavias.  So  it  goes."  I  always  hated 
Cleopatra's  doin's.  And  I  wondered  as  I  looked  dreamily 
at  that  writin'  of  hern,  if  she  wuz  sorry  for  her  actions  now 
in  that  spear  of  hern,  wherever  it  wuz,  and  wanted  to  ondo  it. 


CHAPTER   XXIV 

E  stayed  there  for  some  time,  and  on  our  way 
home  a  dretful  thing  happened  to  me.  After 
we  all  got  started,  sunthin'  happened  to  one  of 
the  poles  of  my  chair,  and  with  as  much  mo- 
tionin'  and  jabberin'  as  a  presidential  election 
would  call  for,  they  at  last  got  it  fixed  agin.  By  that  time 
the  party  had  all  disappeared,  and  the  bearers  of  my  vehicle 
started  off  at  their  highest  speed  right  acrost  ploughed  land 
and  springin'  crops  and  everything,  not  stoppin*  for  any 
thing. 

Where  wuz  they  takin'  me  Wuz  I  to  perish  in  these 
wilds?  Wuz  they  carryin'  me  off  for  booty?  I  had  on  my 
cameo  pin  and  I  trembled.  It  wuz  my  pride  in  Jonesville; 
wuz  I  to  lose  my  life  for  it?  Or  wuz  it  my  good  looks  that 
wuz  ondoin'  of  me?  Did  they  want  to  make  me  their  brides? 
I  sez  to  them  in  agonizin'  axents,  "  Take  me  back  instantly 
to  my  pardner !  He  is  the  choice  of  my  youth !  I  will  never 
wed  another!  You  hain't  congenial  to  me  anyway!  It  is 
vain  for  you  to  elope  with  me  for  I  will  never  be  your 
brides!" 

But  they  jabbered  and  motioned  and  acted  and  paid  no 
attention  only  to  rush  along  faster  than  ever. 

I  then  tried  a  new  tact  with  'em.  With  tremblin'  fingers 
I  onpinned  the  cameo  pin,  and  with  a  noble  jester  that  would 
have  become  Jeptha  as  he  gin  his  only  daughter  for  a  sacri 
fice,  I  handed  it  out  to  'em.  And  sez  I,  "  If  that  is  what  you 
want,  take  it,  and  then  bear  me  back  safely  to  my  beloved 
pardner  agin." 

But  they  never  touched  it.     They  only  jabbered  away 


280     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

louder  and  more  fierce  like  and  yanked  me  along  faster  than 
ever. 

Oh,  the  agony  of  that  time !  Dear  Josia'h,  should  I  never 
see  thee  agin?  and  the  children  and  the  grandchildren? 
Hills  and  dells  of  lovely  Jonesville !  Would  they  never  dawn 
on  my  vision  more!  Would  the  old  mair  never  whinner 
joyfully  at  my  appearance,  or  Snip  bark  a  welcome? 

I  thought  of  all  the  unfortunate  Hebrew  wimmen  who 
would  have  been  neighbors  to  me  then  if  I  had  been  born 
soon  enough.  Ruth,  Esther,  Hagar,  they  all  had  suffered, 
they  had  all  most  likely  looked  off  onto  the  desert,  even  as 
I  wuz  lookin'  for  help,  and  it  didn't  come  to  some  on  'em. 
And  by  this  time  to  add  to  my  sufferin's,  the  mantilly  of 
night  was  descendin'  over  the  seen,  the  tropical  night  that 
comes  so  swift,  so  fast,  oh,  what  should  I  do?  Every  move 
I  made,  every  despairin'  jester  only  seemed  to  make  'em 
go  faster,  so  it  wuz  plain  to  be  seen  that  my  help  wuz  not  in 
man.  I  thought  of  that  pillar  of  fire  that  had  lighted  that 
sad  procession  of  Hebrews  acrost  that  very  desert.  And, 
like  a  cool,  firm  'hand,  laid  on  a  feverish,  restless  foretop, 
come  agin  the  thought  of  them  three  wise  men  that  had 
trod  that  desert  waste.  No  path,  no  guide  to  lead  'em,  only 
the  Star,  and  I  sez  in  my  inmost  heart : 

"  That  Star  hain't  lost  its  light ;  it  remains  jest  as  bright 
and  clear  to-day  as  it  did  then  to  light  true  believers  acrost 
the  darkness  in  the  hour  of  their  need."  And  jest  as  plain 
as  though  they  wuz  spoke  to  me  come  these  beautiful  words : 
"  I  will  lift  up  mine  eyes  to  the  hills  from  whence  cometh 
my  help." 

And  I  lifted  my  streamin'  eyes  according  for  by  this  time 
I  wuz  cryin'  and  sheddin'  tears.  I  could  see  by  the  faint  light 
in  the  west  that  there  wuz  considerable  of  a  hill  on  the  east 
of  me,  and  as  my  weepin'  eyes  wuz  lifted  in  that  direction  my 
heart  almost  stood  still  as  I  beheld  all  of  a  sudden  a  glowin' 
star  of  light  shine  out  of  the  darkness  right  on  the  top  of  that 
hill  and  rapidly  desend  in  my  direction  nearer  and  nearer. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     281 

Oh,  joy!  oh,  bliss!  it  wuz  my  own  pardner  with  a  lan 
tern.  His  devoted  love  'had  bore  him  back.  Settin'  on  a  don 
key  bearin'  a  lantern,  he  looked  to  me  like  an  angel.  It  wuz 
the  star  of  love,  indeed  it  wuz!  the  brightest  star  of  earth 
come  to  light  my  dark  pathway.  And  I  bust  out : 

"  Oh,  Josiah  Allen !  you  are  not  one  of  the  wise  men, 
but  you  look  better  to  me  than  any  of  'em  could." 

And  he  sez,  "  It  don't  look  very  pretty  for  you,  after 
hangin'  out  till  this  time  o'  night,  to  run  the  one  who  has 
come  way  back  after  you  with  a  lantern,  and  talk  about  his 
not  knowin'  anything." 

"Run  you,  Josiah,"  sez  I,  "you  look  more  beautiful  to 
me  than  words  can  tell." 

That  mollified  him  and  he  sez  with  a  modest  smile,  "  I 
spoze  I  am  very  pretty  lookin',  but  I  worried  about  you  a 
sight." 

It  seems  that  they  "had  went  on  a  pretty  good  jog,  and 
seem'  my  bearers  had  got  belated  with  me  they  had  took  a 
short  cut  acrost  the  fields  to  overtake  'em.  But  it  was  a 
eppisode  not  to  be  forgot,  and  I  told  Josiah  not  to  be  sepa 
rated  away  from  me  a  minute  after  this.  Sez  I,  "  I  almost 
feel  like  purchasin'  a  rope  and  tyin'  myself  to  you  for  the 
rest  of  the  tower." 

Sez  he,  "  That  would  make  talk,  Samantha,  but  I  will 
keep  my  eye  on  you  and  not  let  you  git  carried  off  agin; 
for  the  feelin's  I  felt  when  I  missed  you  I  would  not  go 
through  agin  for  a  dollar  bill." 

Well,  we  soon  come  up  with  the  rest  of  the  party.  It 
seemed  that  they  had  been  talkin'  and  havin'  such  a  good 
time  they  hadn't  missed  me  for  quite  a  while.  But  when 
they  did,  Arvilly  said  Josiah  acted  some  as  he  did  when  she 
and  he  pursued  me  acrost  the  continent ;  sez  she,  "  He  acted 
like  a  fool ;  I  knew  you  couldn't  be  fur  behind." 

And  I  sez,  "  Arvilly,  spiritual  things  are  spiritually  dis 
cerned  ;  love  is  spiritual  and  love  has  to  interpret  it." 


282     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  "  I  am  glad  he  found  you  so  soon,  for, 
to  tell  the  truth,  I  wuz  beginnin'  to  worry  a  little  myself." 

Miss  Meechim  said  she  thought  I  had  gone  into  some 
shrine  to  worship. 

That  was  a  great  idee !  off  with  four  Arabs  huntin'  a  shrine 
at  that  time  of  night ! 

The  next  day  we  started  for  Jerusalem  by  way  of  Joppa 
and  Ismalia.  It  wuz  on  a  fair  evenin',  as  the  settin'  sun  made 
strange  reflections  on  earthly  things,  we  entered  through  the 
gate  into  Jerusalem,  city  of  our  God.  Nineteen  centuries 
since,  the  Star  moved  along  through  the  December  night 
and  stood  over  the  lonely  manger  in  Bethlehem  where  a  Babe 
wuz  born.  The  three  wise  men  wuz  the  first  visitors  to  that 
Child.  Now  fifteen  thousand  visitors  come  yearly  from  every 
part  of  the  world  to  look  upon  this  sacred  place  where  the 
Man  of  Sorrows  lived  his  sorrowful  life  of  good  to  all,  suffered 
and  died,  and  the  heavenly  King  burst  the  bonds  of  the  tomb 
and  ascended  into  heaven. 

In  these  streets  did  sad-eyed  prophets  walk  to  and  fro, 
carrying  the  message  of  the  coming  of  the  King.  They  were 
stunned  by  the  gain-sayin'  world,  jest  as  it  stuns  its  prophets 
to-day,  only  with  different  kinds  of  stuns  mebby,  but  hard 
ones.  Here  they  wuz  afflicted,  tormented,  beaten,  sawn 
asunder  for  uttering  the  truth  as  God  made  it  known  to 
them,  jest  as  they  are  to-day,  of  whom  the  world  wuz  not 
worthy.  Just  like  to-day.  Here  after  centuries  had  gone 
by,  the  truth  they  had  foretold  become  manifest  in  the  flesh. 
Jest  as  it  shall  be.  After  hundreds  of  years  had  gone  by,  he 
whom  the  prophets  had  foretold  wuz  born  in  Bethlehem, 
and  the  three  wise  men,  fur  apart,  knowin'  nothin'  of  each 
other,  wuz  warned  of  his  birth  and  wuz  told  to  foller  the  Star. 
They  obeyed  the  heavenly  vision  and  met  on  the  pathless 
desert,  as  the  soul's  and  heart's  desires  of  all  good  men  and 
wimmen  meet  who  follow  the  Star ! 

Oh,  sacred  place !  to  be  thus  honored.    What  emotions  I 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN1 8  WIFE     283 

felt  as  my  own  feet  trod  these  roads,  my  own  eyes  looked 
on  these  sacred  places. 

The  next  morning  after  our  arrival  we  went  up  to  the 
Mount  of  Olives,  and  from  a  tower  two  hundred  feet  high 
looked  down  on  Jerusalem.  The  Mount  of  Olives  is  a  long, 
low  ridge  on  the  east  of  the  city.  The  Garden  of  Gethse- 
mane  is  down  on  the  foot  of  Olivet  near  the  brook  Kedron. 
Here  eight  great  olive  trees  much  larger  than  the  rest  form 
a  sacred  grove  from  whose  melancholy  shadows  might  well 
come  that  agonizing  cry  to  his  disciples  for  human  sympathy 
and  love : 

"  Could  ye  not  watch  with  me  one  hour?  " 

Here  did  Judas  come  over  the  brook  Kedron  with  the 
hungry,  cruel  mob  and  betray  Him  with  a  kiss.  It  wuz  in 
this  place  that  our  Lord  give  that  glorious  promise  that 
lightens  life  and  death : 

"  After  I  be  risen  I  will  go  before  you." 

Every  leaf  of  the  old  olive  trees  seemed  trembling  and  full 
of  memories  of  that  hour.  To  the  west  was  the  valley  of  Je- 
hosiphet,  beyend  is  the  city  of  the  King.  Back  of  you  is 
Bethany,  the  home  of  the  friends  of  Jesus  where  he  tasted 
sometimes  the  human  sweets  of  friendship,  in  the  home  of 
Lazarus  and  his  sisters,  Mary  and  Martha.  A  beautiful  soul 
Mary  wuz,  and  Martha,  poor  creeter !  I've  always  been  sorry 
for  her,  workin'  away  doin'  the  housework  when  she  would 
much  rather,  no  doubt,  set  and  listen  as  Mary  did,  but  some 
body  had  to  be  cookin'.  So  she  jest  drouged  round  the 
house. 

You  can  see  the  Dead  Sea  and  the  river  Jordan,  where 
our  Lord  wuz  baptized  and  the  Dove  descended  out  of  the 
gardens  of  heaven  and  lit  on  him,  whilst  the  voice  of  the 
father  God  spoke,  "This  is  my  beloved  Son  in  whom  I  am 
well  pleased," 

Not  far  away  from  there  is  Jericho.  On  the  southwest 
rises  the  Hill  of  Zion,  one  of  the  four  hills  on  which  Jerusa 
lem  stands.  As  I  looked  on  it  I  spoke  to  my  pardner  al- 


284     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

most  onbeknown  to  me,  "  Oh,  Josiah !  how  many  times  we've 
sung  together: 

'  The  Hill  of  Zion  yields  a  thousand  sacred  sweets, 
Before  we  reach  the  heavenly  fields  or  walk  the  golden  streets.' 

"But,"  sez  I,  "did  you  ever  expect  to  set  your  mortal 
eyes  on't?"  He  wuz  affected,  I  could  see  he  wuz,  though 
he  tried  to  conceal  it  by  nibblin'  on  some  figs  he  had  bought 
that  mornin'. 

Miss  Meechim  wuz  all  carried  away  with  the  seen  as  the 
guide  pinted  out  the  different  places.  Robert  Strong  and 
Dorothy  didn't  seem  to  want  to  talk  much,  but  their  faces 
wuz  writ  over  with  characters  of  rapt  and  reverential  emo 
tion. 

Arvilly  for  once  seemed  to  forgit  her  canvassin'  and  her 
keen  bright  eyes  wuz  softened  into  deep  thought  and  feeling. 
Tommy,  who  had  heard  us  talkin'  about  Herod  walling  in 
that  part  of  the  city,  wonnered  how  any  man  could  be  so 
wicked  as  the  cruel  king  who  killed  all  the  little  children, 
and  he  wonnered  if  there  ever  wuz  another  king  in  the  hull 
world  so  wicked. 

And  my  Josiah  soothed  his  childish  feelings  by  assuring 
him  that  all  such  wicked  rulers  wuz  dead  and  buried  ages 
ago. 

And  so  queer  is  Arvilly's  mind  since  what  she's  went 
through  that  she  spoke  right  up  and  told  Tommy  that  there 
wuz  lots  of  rulers  to-day  jest  as  wicked  and  fur  wickeder. 
Sez  she,  "  There  are  plenty  of  men  in  every  city  in  America 
that  get  the  right  from  the  rulers  of  the  country  to  destroy 
children  in  a  much  worse  way  than  to  cut  their  heads  off." 

Sez  she,  "  There  are  men  who  entice  young  children  to 
smoke  cigarettes,  drugged  on  purpose  to  form  a  thirst  for 
strong  drink,  then  enticed  into  drinking-dives,  where  good 
ness  and  innocence  are  murdered  and  evil  passions  planted 
and  nursed  into  life,  for  the  overthrowing  of  all  their  good- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     285 

ness,  for  the  murder  of  their  family's  safety  and  happiness 
and  making  them  the  nation's  menace  and  greatest  danger." 

And  Tommy  wonnered  and  wonnered  what  could  make 
men  do  so,  and  so  did  I. 

And  Arvilly  sez,  "  What  is  cuttin'  off  the  heads  of  twenty 
or  thirty  babies  compared  to  the  thousands  and  thousands 
of  murders  that  this  licensed  evil  causes  every  year?  " 

Tommy's  pretty  face  looked  sad  and  he  sez :  "  Why  do 
good  folks  let  it  go  on?" 

And  Arvilly  sez,  "  Heaven  knows — I  don't.  But  I've 
cleared  my  skirts  in  the  matter.  There  won't  be  any  inno 
cent  blood  on  my  skirts  at  the  last  day." 

And  Tommy  bent  his  head  and  looked  intently  at  the 
bottom  of  her  dress;  and  I  see  my  pardner  furtively  glance 
at  the  bottom  of  his  own  pantaloons ;  he  acted  guilty. 

It  is  about  two  milds  and  a  quarter  round  the  city;  the 
walls  are  thirty  or  forty  feet  high;  there  are  thirty-four 
towers  on  the  walls,  and  the  city  has  eight  gates.  It  has  a 
population  of  one  hundred  thousand,  more  Jews  than  any 
other  race;  for  according  to  the  Scripture,  jest  as  the  Jews 
wuz  scattered  to  the  four  winds  of  heaven,  they  have  of  late 
been  flocking  home  to  Jerusalem  jest  as  the  old  prophets  pre 
dicted  exactly. 

During  their  hours  of  prayer,  many  Jews  wear  phylactrys 
bound  to  their  forwards  and  arms,  and  Robert  Strong  said 
he  saw  one  nailed  to  a  doorpost. 

It  is  a  long,  narrer  case,  shaped  some  like  a  thermometer, 
with  a  round  hole  towards  the  top  of  it  covered  with  a  lid 
which  they  can  lift  up  and  see  a  few  words  of  the  ancient 
parchment  inside,  some  as  the  little  boy  had  his  prayer  printed 
on  the  head-board,  and  on  cold  nights  would  pint  to  it,  say- 
in',  "  O  Lord,  them's  my  sentiments." 

But  these  Jews  did  it  to  carry  out  Moses'  command  to 
bind  the  words  of  the  law  for  a  sign  on  their  arms,  their 
heads  and  their  doorposts. 

The  writing  on  these  phylactrys  is  so  perfect  that  you 


can  hardly  believe  that  it  is  done  with  a  pen.  The  Jews 
are  extremely  careful  in  copying  the  oracles  of  God.  They 
still  write  copies  of  their  Old  Testament  Scriptures,  and 
every  page  must  have  jest  so  many  lines,  and  jest  the  same 
number  of  words  and  letters. 

Robert  Strong  said  that  this  was  a  great  proof  of  the 
truth  of  the  Scriptures.  Sez  he :  "  Our  Saviour  said  that 
one  jot  or  tittle  of  the  law  shall  not  fail." 

Tommy  wanted  to  know  what  that  meant,  and  Robert 
told  him  that  "  jot  "  wuz  the  smallest  letter  in  the  Hebrew 
alphabet,  and  "  tittle "  meant  the  little  horn-shaped  mark 
over  some  of  the  letters. 

And  I  sez :  "  I  never  knew  what  that  meant  before."  But 
Miss  Meechim  said  she  did — she  always  duz  know  every 
thing  from  the  beginning,  specially  after  she's  hearn  some 
one  explain  it.  But  to  resoom:  We  went  to  the  Church 
of  the  Holy  Sepulchre,  where  many  different  religious  sects 
come  to  worship.  The  place  where  many  think  the  body  of 
our  Lord  wuz  lain  when  he  wuz  taken  down  from  the  cross 
is  covered  with  a  slab  worn  down  by  the  worshippers,  and 
in  the  little  chapel  round  it  forty-three  lamps  are  kep'  burn 
ing  night  and  day. 

But  I  felt  more  inclined  to  think  that  the  place  where 
the  body  of  our  Lord  wuz  lain  wuz  outside  the  city  where 
the  rocky  hill  forms  a  strange  resemblance  to  a  human  skull, 
answering  to  the  Bible  description.  Near  there  a  tomb,  long 
buried,  has  been  found  lately  that  corresponds  with  the  Bible 
record,  which  sez :  "  Now  in  the  garden  was  a  new  tomb 
wherin  no  man  had  been  lain."  There  wuz  places  in  this 
tomb  for  three  bodies,  but  only  one  had  been  finished,  and 
scientists  say  that  no  body  has  ever  crumbled  into  the  dust 
that  covers  this  tomb.  Ruins  show  that  ages  back  an 
arched  temple  once  covered  this  spot.  But  what  matters 
the  very  spot  where  his  body  lay,  or  from  where  he  ascended 
into  the  heavens.  Mebby  it  can't  be  told  for  certain  after 
all  these  years;  but  we  know  that  his  weary  feet  trod  these 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     287 

dusty  roads.  And  as  we  travelled  to  Bethlehem  and  Bethany 
and  Nazareth,  his  presence  seemed  to  go  before  us. 

It  wuz  a  lovely  morning  when  we  left  Jerusalem  by  the 
Jaffa  gate  and  went  down  acrost  the  valley  of  Hinnom,  up 
acrost  the  hill  of  Evil  Council,  and  acrost  the  broad  plain 
where  David  fought  many  a  battle  and  Solomon  went  about 
in  all  his  glory. 

We  stopped  a  few  minutes  at  the  convent  of  Mar  Elias 
to  see  the  fine  view.  From  here  you  can  see  both  places 
where  the  Saviour  wuz  born  and  where  he  died.  It  is  a  very 
sightly  spot,  and  I  hearn  Josiah  tell  Tommy : 

"  This  is  a  beautiful  place,  Tommy ;  it  wuz  named  after 
Miss  Elias;  her  children  built  it  to  honor  their  Mar;  and  it 
ort  to  make  you  think,  Tommy,  that  you  must  always  mind 
your  Mar." 

"  Mar? "  sez  Tommy  inquirin'ly,  "  Do  you  mean  my 
mamma  or  my  grandma  ?  " 

I  wuz  glad  the  rest  of  the  party  wuz  some  distance  away 
and  didn't  hear  him.  Josiah  always  jest  crowds  his  explana 
tions,  full  and  runnin'  over  with  morals,  but  he  gits  things 
wrong.  I  hated  to  hurt  his  feelin's,  but  I  had  to  tell  Tommy 
this  wuz  named,  I  spozed,  from  the  prophet  Elijah,  who  wuz, 
they  say,  helped  by  angels  on  this  very  spot  as  he  flowed  away 
from  Jezabel ;  they  gin  him  water  and  food,  such  good  food 
that  after  eating  it  he  could  travel  forty  days  and  forty  nights 
without  eating  agin. 

Jezabel  wuzn't  a  likely  woman  at  all;  I  wouldn't  been  will- 
in'  to  neighbor  with  her. 

Rachel's  tomb  is  a  little  furder  on.  It  is  a  long,  rough- 
lookin'  structure  with  a  round  ruff  on  the  highest  end  on't. 
Christian,  Jew  and  Moslem  all  agree  that  this  is  Rachel's 
tomb.  It  wuz  right  here  that  little  Benoni  wuz  born  and  his 
ma  named  him  while  her  soul  wuz  departing,  for  she  died. 

I  heard  Josiah  talkin'  with  Tommy  about  "  little  Ben." 
I  hated  to  have  him  call  him  so,  but  didn't  know  as  it  would 
do  much  hurt  this  late  day.  Right  about  here  dwelt  Ruth 


288     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  Naomi.  A  sweet  girl  Ruth  wuz;  I  always  thought  she 
wuz  plenty  good  enough  for  Boaz,  but  then  I  d'no  but  he 
wuz  good  enough  for  her.  'Tennyrate,  her  actions  wuz  a 
perfect  pattern  to  daughter-in-laws. 

Here  on  these  sands  the  giant,  Goliath,  strode  out  pom 
pously  to  be  slain  by  a  stun  from  a  sling  sent  by  David  when 
he  wuz  a  shepherd  boy.  "  How  I  wished  I  had  some  of  them 
stuns  to  slay  the  evil  giants  of  1900,"  sez  I.  "  If  a  stun  could 
be  aimed  at  Intemperance  and  another  at  the  big  monopolies 
and  destroy  'em  as  dead  as  Goliath,  what  a  boon  it  would  be." 

And  Arvilly  sez,  "  Where  will  you  git  your  sling,  and 
where  will  you  git  your  Davids  ?  " 

Sez  I,  "  The  ballot  is  a  good  sling  that  could  kill  'em  both 
stun  dead,  but  I  d'no  where  I  could  git  any  Davids  at  pres 
ent,"  and  she  didn't  nor  Josiah,  but  I  felt  in  hopes  that  there 
would  be  one  riz  up,  for  always  when  the  occasion  demands, 
the  Lord  sends  the  right  man  to  fill  the  place. 

Well,  presently  we  arrov  at  Bethlehem  (House  of  Bread). 
I  mentioned  its  meaning,  and  Josiah  sez : 

"  I  do  hope  I'll  get  some  yeast  risin'  here  that  will  taste 
a  little  like  yourn,  Samantha." 

So  little  did  he  dwell  on  the  divine  meanin'  that  wuz 
thrillin'  my  heart.  House  of  Bread,  sacred  spot  from  which 
proceeded  the  living  bread,  that  if  any  one  should  eat  he 
should  never  more  hunger. 

The  Church  of  the  Nativity,  the  place  that  we  sought 
first  in  the  village,  is  the  oldest  Christian  church  in  the  world. 
It  wuz  built  by  Helena,  mother  of  Constantine,  330  A.D.  It 
is  owned  by  a  good  many  different  sects  who  quarrel  quite 
considerable  over  it,  as  they  would  be  likely  to  in  Jonesville 
if  our  M.  E.  church  wuz  owned  too  by  Baptists  and  'Pisco- 
palians,  etc. 

We  spoze  this  church  wuz  built  on  the  site  of  the  tarven 
where  our  Lord  wuz  born.  Goin'  down  the  windin'  staircase 
we  come  to  the  Grotto  of  the  Nativity,  which  is  a  cave  in  the 
rock.  There  are  several  holy  chapels  here,  but  this  one 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     289 

where  they  say  Christ  wuz  born  is  about  thirty-eight  feet 
long  and  ten  or  eleven  feet  wide,  and  covered  inside  with 
costly  carving  and  sculpture.  A  star  in  the  floor  shows  the 
place  where  the  manger  wuz  where  the  Holy  Child  wuz  born, 
a  silver  star  glitters  above  it  and  around  the  star  sixteen 
lights  are  burning  night  and  day.  All  about  here  the  caves 
in  the  rocks  are  used  as  stables,  specially  when  the  tarvens 
are  full,  as  the  Bible  expressly  states  they  wuz  the  night  our 
Lord  wuz  born.  'Tennyrate,  way  back  almost  to  the  time 
He  wuz  born,  historians  accepted  this  spot  as  the  place  of  His 
birth.  But  as  I  said  more  formerly,  what  if  it  wuz  not  this 
very  spot,  or  some  other  nigh  by,  we  know  that  it  wuz  in  this 
little  city  our  Lord  wuz  born.  It  wuz  of  this  city  that  centur 
ies  before  the  prophets  said:  "And  thou,  Bethlehem  Eph- 
ratah,  though  thou  be  little  amongst  the  thousands  of  Judea, 
yet  out  of  thee  shall  he  come  forth  that  shall  be  ruler  of 
Israel,  whose  goings  forth  has  been  from  old  everlasting." 

Then  and  there  wuz  founded  on  earth  that  invisible  and 
spiritual  kingdom  so  much  stronger  and  mightier  than  any 
visible  kingdom  that  wuz  ever  thought  on.  The  gorgeous 
throne  of  Herod  and  the  long  line  of  kings  and  emperors 
since  him  have  crumbled  into  dust,  but  that  lowly  cradle  in 
the  stable  of  Bethlehem  is  onmoved.  The  winds  and  storms 
of  eighteen  hundred  years  have  not  been  able  to  blow  a 
straw  away  from  that  little  bed  where  the  Baby  Christ  lay. 
The  crowns  of  kings  and  emperors  have  disappeared,  cov 
ered  by  the  dust  of  time,  but  the  rays  of  light  that  shone 
round  that  Baby's  brow  grow  brighter  and  brighter  as  the 
centuries  sweep  by.  The  deepest  love,  the  strongest  emo 
tions  of  the  hearts  of  an  uncounted  host  keep  that  Bethlehem 
birthplace  green  and  changeless.  The  Herods,  the  Pilates, 
the  Caesars  are  dead  and  buried  under  the  driftin'  centuries, 
but  our  Lord's  throne  stands  more  firm  and  powerful  to-day 
than  ever  before.  Hatred,  malice,  the  cross  of  agony,  the 
dark  tomb  could  not  touch  that  immortal  life.  Great  mon 
arch  and  tender,  overturnin'  and  upbuildin'  empires  at  will, 
19 


290     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

blowing  away  cruel  and  unjust  armies  by  a  wave  of  his  fin 
gers,  helping  the  poor  slave  bear  his  heavy  burden  by  pour 
ing  love  into  his  heart,  wiping  the  widow's  tears,  soothing  the 
baby's  cries,  marking  even  the  sparrow's  fall. 

Oh,  what  a  kingdom!  foretold  by  ages,  begun  on  earth 
in  that  little  rocky  stable  that  December  night  in  Bethlehem. 
And  it  is  secure;  it  cannot  be  moved,  its  white  pillers  are 
enthroned  in  the  secret  chambers  of  the  soul. 

And  how  strong  and  changeless  his  prime  ministers, 
Love,  Justice  and  Mercy,  are,  who  carry  his  messages  and  do 
his  will.  How  quiet  and  peaceable  and  yet  how  strong, 
makin'  no  fuss  and  show;  but  what  majesty  is  writ  down  on 
their  forwards  as  they  mirror  the  will  of  their  Master.  How 
firm  they  stand,  jest  as  they've  stood  for  ages;  no  wobblin', 
no  turnin'  this  way  and  that  to  git  adherents  and  followers. 
No,  calm  and  mighty  and  holy  they  stand  before  that  sacred 
throne  jest  as  they  did  at  Jerusalem  before  Herod  and  Pilate. 

Oh,  how  many  emotions  I  did  have  as  I  stood  in  that  sa 
cred  spot,  twice  as  many  at  least  as  I  ever  had  in  the  same 
length  of  time  in  any  other  place.  I  didn't  want  to  speak, 
I  didn't  want  to  see  even  my  dear  Josiah.  No,  I  wanted 
to  be  silent,  to  think,  to  meditate,  to  pray  "  Thy  kingdom 
come."  Nigh  by  in  the  same  grotto  is  what  they  call  the 
tomb  of  a  relation  of  ourn  on  both  sides.  Yes,  they  say 
Adam,  our  grandpa  (removed)  wuz  buried  here.  I  felt  con 
siderable  sceptical  about  that,  but  Josiah  beheld  it  compla 
cently,  and  I  hearn  him  say  to  Tommy : 

"Yes,  here  Adam  lays,  poor  creeter!"  And  sez  Josiah, 
puttin'  down  his  cane  kinder  hard,  "  Oh,  what  a  difference 
it  would  have  made  to  Jonesville  and  the  world  at  large  if 
Adam  had  put  his  foot  right  down  just  as  I  put  my  cane 
to-day,  and  not  let  his  pardner  eat  that  apple,  nor  tease  him 
into  eatin'  it,  too." 

And  Tommy  looked  at  him  in  wonder,  "  Did  the  apple 
make  him  sick,  grandpa?  " 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     291 

"  Yes,  Tommy,  it  made  him  sick  as  death,  sin-sick,  and 
he  knowed  it  would." 

"Well,  then  what  made  him  eat  it,  grandpa?" 

And  Josiah  said,  "  These  things  are  too  deep  for  you  to 
understand  now ;  when  you  git  a  little  older  grandpa  will  ex 
plain  'em  all  out  to  you." 

And  Arvilly  sez,  "  I'd  love  to  be  there  when  you  explained 
it,  Josiah  Allen.  Lay  in'  the  blame  onto  the  wimmen,  jest 
as  men  do  from  Adam  and  Alpha  to  Omega." 

Sez  Josiah,  "  We'll  walk  out,  Tommy,  and  see  how  it 
looks  on  the  outside." 

But  Arvilly  kept  mutterin'  and  kinder  scoldin'  about  it 
long  after  they  had  departed.  "  Why  didn't  Adam  take  the 
apple  away  from  her  and  throw  it  away?  He  hankered 
after  it  jest  as  much  as  she  did,  that's  why.  Cowardly  piece 
of  bizness,  layin'  it  all  to  her." 

And  she  sniffed  and  stepped  round  sort  o'  nervous  like, 
but  sweet  Dorothy  drawed  her  attention  off  onto  sunthin' 
else. 

On  the  pleasant  hills  about  the  village  shepards  could  be 
seen  tendin'  their  flocks  as  they  did  on  the  night  when  the' 
angels  and  the  multitude  of  the  heavenly  hosts  appeared  to 
them  bearing  tidings  of  great  joy  that  that  night  a  Saviour 
wuz  born. 

"Glory  to  God  in  the  highest  and  on  earth  peace,  good 
will  to  men." 

We  felt  that  we  must  see  Nazareth,  where  our  Lord's 
early  years  wuz  spent,  and  we  set  off  on  a  pleasant  day;  we 
approached  it  from  the  north  by  way  of  Cana.  The  road 
wuz  hard  and  rocky,  but  on  turning  a  corner  we  see  the  little 
town  like  a  city  set  on  a  hill,  only  this  wuz  on  the  side  of  the 
hill  with  hills  above  it  and  below  it.  Nazareth  has  only  a 
few  hundred  houses,  but  they  are  white  and  clean  looking, 
mostly  square  and  flat  roofed.  As  we  drew  nigh  we  see  the 
tall  minaret  of  a  mosque,  the  great  convent  buildings  and 
the  neat  houses  of  the  village  looking  out  of  gardens  of  figs 


292     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  olives  with  white  doves  playing  about  the  roofs;  there 
wuz  great  hedges  of  prickly  pears  and  white  orange  blossoms 
and  scarlet  pomgranites  to  make  it  pleasant. 

On  the  road  we  wuz  travelin'  the  child  Jesus  no  doubt 
often  passed  in  play  with  other  children  or  at  work.  I  won 
der  how  he  felt  as  he  stood  amongst  his  playmates  and  if  a 
shadow  of  what  wuz  to  come  rested  on  his  young  heart? 
I  spoze  so,  for  he  wuz  only  twelve  when  he  reasoned  with  the 
wise  doctors. 

There  is  one  fountain  that  supplies  the  town  and  always 
has,  and  we  se.e  stately  dark-eyed  wimmen  carryin'  tall  jars 
of  water  on  their  heads  (how  under  the  sun  they  ever  do  it  is 
a  mystery  to  me;  I  should  spill  every  drop),  but  they  seem 
to  carry  'em  easy  enough.  Children  often  ran  along  at  their 
sides.  And  I  knew  that  in  this  place  the  young  child  Jesus 
must  often  have  come  with  his  mother  after  water. 

Stood  right  here  where  we  stood!  what  emotions  I  had 
as  I  thought  on't.  Dorothy  and  Robert  looked  reverently 
about  them  and  dipped  their  hands  in  the  clear  water  just 
as  Joseph  and  Mary  might  when  they  wuz  young  and  couldn't 
look  into  the  futer. 

Miss  Meechim  said  she  had  a  tract  to  home  that  dealt  on 
this  spot  and  wished  she  had  brought  it,  she  would  have 
liked  to  read  it  here  on  the  spot. 

Arvilly  said  she  wuz  glad  enough  to  see  that  they  had 
plenty  of  good,  pure  water  here  and  didn't  have  to  depend  on 
anything  stronger. 

And  Josiah  said  in  his  opinion  the  water  would  make 
crackin'  good  coffee,  and  he  wished  he  had  a  good  cup  and  a 
dozen  or  so  of  my  nut-cakes. 


CHAPTER    XXV 

E  visited  a  carpenter  shop  which  wuz,  I  spoze, 
about  like  the  shop  of  Joseph,  lots  of  different 
tools  on  shelves  and  nails  on  the  side  on't, 
some  like  Jonesville  shops. 

But  carpenter  there  has  a  different  meaning 
from  what  it  has  in  Jonesville,  it  means  different  kinds  of 
work,  carving,  making  furniture,  plows,  shovels,  as  well  as 
buildin'  houses.  In  some  such  a  shop  as  this  our  Lord 
worked  with  achin'  back  and  blistered  hands  no  doubt,  for 
He  worked  faithful  and  stiddy  when  He  wuz  subject  to  his 
father,  Joseph.  I  suppose  his  dress  wuz  much  like  other 
Jewish  peasantry  save  in  one  thing  he  wore,  and  this  wuz  the 
seamless  garment,  suggestive,  I  spoze,  of  wholeness,  holi 
ness.  As  I  thought  on't  I  instinctively  murmured  these 
words  of  our  poet : 

"The  healing  of  that  seamless  dress 

Is  by  our  beds  of  pain, 
We  feel  it  in  life's  care  and  stress — 
And  we  are  strong  again." 

I  looked  up  to  the  brow  of  the  hill  whereon  this  city  is 
built,  and  my  mind  wuz  all  wrought  up  thinkin'  of  how  the 
Christ  stood  up  in  the  synagogue  and  told  for  the  first  time 
of  his  mission  in  these  incomparable  words  so  dear  to-day 
to  all  true  ministers  and  lovers  of  God's  words,  and  all  earnest 
reformers  from  that  day  down : 

"  The  spirit  of  the  Lord  is  upon  me  because  he  hath 
anointed  me  to  preach  the  gospel  to  the  poor.  He  hath  sent 
me  to  heal  the  broken-hearted,  to  preach  deliverance  to  the 


294     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

captive,  and  recovery  of  sight  to  the  blind,  to  set  at  liberty 
them  that  are  bruised." 

Oh,  what  a  divine  mission !  not  to  the  great  and  lofty  and 
happy,  but  to  the  poor,  the  broken-hearted,  the  bruised  and 
the  blind.  How  his  heart  yearned  over  them  even  as  it  duz 
to-day.  And  how  did  the  world  receive  it?  Just  as  Truth 
is  received  to-day,  anon  or  oftener;  they  thrust  Him  out  of 
the  synagogue,  dragged  Him  to  the  brow  of  this  very  hill 
that  they  might  cast  Him  off.  But  we  read  that  He  passed 
through  the  midst  of  them  and  went  his  way,  just  as  Truth 
will  and  must.  It  can't  be  slain  by  its  opposers;  though 
they  may  turn  it  out  of  their  high  places  by  force,  it  will  ap 
pear  to  'em  agin  as  an  accuser. 

But  oh,  what  feelin's  I  felt  as  I  looked  on  that  very  hill, 
the  very  ground  where  He  passed  through  their  midst  un 
harmed!  I  had  a  great  number  of  emotions,  and  I  guess 
Josiah  did,  although  his  wuz  softened  down  s'ome  and  dissi 
pated  by  hunger,  and  Tommy,  dear  little  lamb !  he  too  wuz 
hungry,  so  we  all  went  to  a  little  tarven  where  we  got  some 
food,  not  over  good,  but  better  than  nothin'. 

The  roads  all  about  Nazareth  and  Jerusalem  are  very 
stony  and  rocky,  so  we  can  see  how  hard  it  wuz,  in  a  physical 
sense,  for  our  Lord  to  perform  the  journeys  He  did,  for  they 
wuz  almost  always  on  foot. 

Well,  that  evenin'  at  the  tarven  in  Jerusalem,  Miss  Mee- 
chim  and  Dorothy  and  I  wuz  in  the  settin'  room,  and  Dorothy 
set  down  to  the  little  piano  and  played  and  sung  some  real 
sweet  pieces,  and  several  of  the  English  people  who  had  come 
on  the  steamer  with  us  gathered  round  her  to  hear  the  music, 
and  amongst  them  wuz  two  young  gentlemen  we  had  got  ac 
quainted  with — real  bright,  handsome  young  chaps  they  wuz 
— and  they  looked  dretful  admirin'  at  Dorothy,  and  I  didn't 
wonder  at  it,  for  she  looked  as  pretty  as  a  new-blown  rose, 
and  her  voice  had  the  sweetness  and  freshness  of  a  June 
mornin'  in  it,  when  the  air  is  full  and  runnin'  over  with  the 
song  of  bird  and  bee,  and  the  soft  murmur  of  the  southern 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     295 

breeze  amongst  the  dewy  flowers.  She  wuz  singin'  old  Scot 
tish  and  English  ballads,  and  more  than  one  eye  wuz  wet  as 
she  sang  about  "  Auld  Joe  Nicholson's  Bonnie  Nannie,"  and 
"  I'm  Wearin'  Away,  Jean,"  and  the  dear  old  "  Annie 
Laurie." 

Miss  Meechim  looked  worried  and  anxious,  and  sez  she: 
"Oh,  how  I  do  wish  Robert  Strong  wuz  here.  Oh,  dear! 
what  a  trial  it  is  to  keep  young  folks  apart." 

And  I  sez :  "  What  makes  you  try  to?  It  is  jest  as  nateral 
for  'em  to  like  each  other's  company  as  it  is  for  bluebirds 
and  robins  to  fly  round  together  in  the  spring  of  the  year, 
and  no  more  hurt  in  it,  as  I  can  see." 

Sez  she  impressively :  "  Haven't  I  told  you,  Josiah  Allen's 
wife,  my  wearing  anxiety,  my  haunting  fear  that  in  spite  of 
all  my  efforts  and  labors  Dorothy  will  marry  some  one  in 
spite  of  me  ?  You  know  how  invincibly  opposed  I  am  to  mat 
rimony.  And  you  can  see  for  yourself  just  how  much  ad 
miration  she  gits  everywhere,  and  one  of  those  young  men," 
sez  she,  frowning  darkly  on  a  handsome  young  Englishman, 
"  I  am  sure  is  in  earnest.  See  the  expression  of  his  face — 
it  is  simply  worship.  He  would  throw  himself  on  his  knees 
in  front  of  her  this  minute  if  there  were  not  so  many  round. 
Oh,  why  don't  Robert  come  and  protect  her?  " 

Her  face  looked  fairly  haggard  with  anxiety,  but  even 
as  I  looked  the  anxious  lines  wuz  smoothed  from  her  worried 
face  like  magic,  and  I  see  Robert  Strong  come  in  and  ap 
proach  the  group  at  the  piano. 

Miss  Meechim  leaned  back  in  her  chair  in  a  restful,  luxu 
rious  attitude,  and  sez  she :  "Oh,  what  a  relief !  What  a  bur 
den  has  rolled  off  from  me !  Robert  knows  just  how  I  feel  ; 
he  will  protect  her  from  matrimony.  Now  I  can  converse 
with  ease  and  comfort,"  and  she  turned  the  subject  round 
on  missionary  teas  and  socials  and  the  best  way  to  get  'em  up. 

The  next  mornin'  Arvilly  didn't  appear  to  breakfast.  I 
waited  some  time  for  her,  for  I  wanted  her  to  go  sightseeing 


296     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

with  me,  and  Arvilly  wuz  as  punctual  as  the  sun  himself 
about  gittin'  up  in  the  mornin',  and  about  as  early. 

I  thought  to  myself :  "  Is  Arvilly  a-goin'  to  come  up 
missin',  as  our  dear  Aronette  did?  "  I  wuz  agitated.  1  sent 
to  her  room,  but  no  answer.  My  agitation  increased.  I 
then  went  to  her  room-  myself,  but  my  knock  at  her  door 
elicited  no  reply.  I  then  spoke  in  anxious,  appealin'  axents : 

"Arvilly,  are  you  there?  And  are  you  sick  a-bed?  Or 
are  you  dead?  Answer  me,  Arvilly,  if  either  of  my  con 
jectures  are  true! " 

My  axent  was  such  that  she  answered  to  once,  "I  hain't 
dead,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  and  I  hain't  sick,  only  heart-sick." 

Sez  I,  "  Let  me  in  then ;  I  can't  have  you  there  alone, 
Arvilly." 

"  I  hain't  alone ! "  sez  she.  "  Grief  is  here,  and  ever- 
lastin'  shame  for  my  country." 

It  come  to  me  in  a  minute,  this  wuz  the  anniversary  of  her 
husband's  death,  the  day  our  govermunt's  pardner,  the 
licensed  saloon,  had  murdered  him  down  in  Cuba. 

I  sez,  "  May  God  help  you,  Arvilly !  "  And  I  turned  onto 
my  heel  and  left.  But  I  sent  up  a  tray  of  good  vittles  which 
wuz  refused,  and  I  d'no  as  she  eat  a  mou'ful  that  day. 

At  night  I  went  agin  to  the  door,  and  agin  I  hearn  the 
sound  of  weepin'  inside.* 

Sez  I,  "  Arvilly,  let  me  in ;  I've  got  a  letter  for  you  from 
Waitstill  Webb." 

Sweet  little  creeter!  She  remembered  her  agony,  and 
dropped  this  flower  onto  the  grave  of  Arvilly's  happiness. 
Oh,  how  she,  too,  wuz  suffering  that  day,  wherever  she  wuz, 
and  I  wondered  as  much  as  Tommy  ever  did  about  the  few 
cents  the  govermunt  received  for  the  deadly  drink  that 
caused  these  murders  and  the  ererlastin'  sorrow  that  flowed 
out  of  'em. 

Well,  Arvilly  told  me  to  put  the  letter  under  the  door, 
which  I  did.  But  nothin'  more  could  I  git  out  of  her;  and 
though  I  sent  up  another  tray  of  food  to  her,  that  too  come 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J  OBI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     297 

down  untouched;  and  as  I  told  Josiah,  I  didn't  know  as  I 
could  do  anything  more  for  her,  as  bad  as  I  felt,  only  to  think 
of  her  and  pray  for  her. 

"  Yes,"  sez  he,  "  we  will  remember  Sister  Arvilly  at  the 
throne  of  grace  at  evenin'  worship."  And  after  we  went  to 
our  room  he  did  make  a  able  prayer,  askin'  the  Lord  to  look 
down  onto  the  poor  heart  of  our  afflicted  sister,  and  send 
peace  and  comfort  to  her.  It  wuz  a  good  prayer,  but  even 
in  that  solemn  time  come  the  thought :  "  If  you  and  other 
church-members  had  voted  as  you  prayed,  Arvilly  no  need 
to  be  shet  up  there  alone  with  her  life  agony." 

But  it  wuz  no  tin:  a  to  twit  a  pardner  when  we  wuz  both 
on  our  knees  with  our  eyes  shet,  but  when  it  come  my  turn 
I  did  say : 

"  O  righteous  God,  do  help  good  men  everywhere  to 
vote  as  they  pray." 

Josiah  said  "  Amen  "  quite  loud,  and  mebby  he  duz  mean 
to  vote  different.  He  voted  license  to  help  Jonesville,  most 
of  the  bizness  men  of  the  town  sayin'  that  it  would  help  biz- 
ness  dretfully  to  have  license.  Well,  it  has  helped  the  under 
taker,  the  jail  and  the  poorhouse. 

Well,  the  next  day  Arvilly  come  down  lookin'  white  and 
peaked,  but  didn't  say  anything  about  her  eclipse;  no,  the 
darkness  wuz  too  awful  and  solemn  to  talk  about.  But  she 
showed  me  Waitstill's  letter.  In  it  she  said  she  had  been  for 
several  days  caring  for  a  very  sick  woman  for  half  the  night, 
and  at  midnight  she  would  go  back  to  the  hospital,  and 
every  night  for  a  week  she  had  seen  a  bent  figure  creeping 
along  as  if  looking  for  something,  payin'  no  attention  to  any 
thing  only  what  he  had  in  the  searchin'  eyes  of  his  mind. 

It  wuz  Elder  Wessel  lookin'  for  Lucia,  so  Waitstill  said. 
It  wuz  Love  waitin'  and  lookin'  out,  hoping  and  fearing. 
Poor  father — poor  girl !  Both  struck  down  by  a  blow  from 
the  Poor  Man's  Club.  She  writ  considerable  about  Jones 
ville  news  to  Arvilly,  knowin',  I  spoze,  how  welcome  it  would 
be,  and  said  she  got  it  from  Ernest  White. 


298     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Wuz  things  comin'  out  as  I  wanted  'em  to  come?  My 
heart  sung  a  joyful  anthem  right  then  and  there.  Oh, 
wouldn't  I  be  glad  to  see  Ernest  and  Waitstill  White  settled 
down  and  happy  and  niakin'  everybody  round  'em  happy  in 
the  dear  persinks  of  Jonesville  and  neighbor  with  'em ! 

Ernest  White  wrote  to  Waitstill  how  successful  his  Help 
Union  was  and  how  his  dear  young  people  wuz  growin'  bet 
ter  and  dearer  to  him  every  day. 

And  we  talked  about  it  how  he  wuz  carryin'  everyday 
reason  and  common  sense  into  Sunday  religion.  Sez  Ar- 
villy,  "  He  teaches  young  voters  that  while  prayers  are  need 
ful  and  necessary,  votes  are  jest  as  needful,  for  bad  or  care 
less  votin'  destroys  all  the  good  that  Christian  effort  duz, 
all  that  prayer  asks  for  and  gits  from  a  pityin'  God.  Every 
saloon  is  shet  up  in  Loontown  and  folks  flock  to  hear  him 
from  as  fur  off  as  Zoar  and  the  town  of  Lyme.  He  don't 
have  standin'-room  in  his  meetin'-house,  let  alone  settin'- 
room,  and  they  have  got  to  put  on  an  addition." 

And  I  sez  agin  what  I  had  often  said  before,  "  What  a 
object  lesson  Elder  White's  work  in  Jonesville  is,  and  how 
plainly  it  teaches  what  I  have  always  known,  that  nothin' 
can  stand  aginst  the  united  power  of  the  church  of  Christ, 
and  if  Christian  folks  banded  together  and  voted  as  they 
prayed,  the  Saloon,  the  Canteen,  the  Greedy  Trusts,  the 
licensed  house  of  shame,  monument  of  woman's  disgrace, 
would  all  have  to  fall." 

"  But  they  won't  do  it,"  sez  Arvilly  in  a  mad  cross  axent. 
"  They'll  keep  right  on  preachin'  sermons  against  wrong 
and  votin'  to  sustain  it,  if  they  vote  at  all.  Gamblin'  for  bed- 
quilts  and  afghans  to  git  money  to  send  woollen  clothin'  to 
prespirin'  heathens  in  torrid  countries,  while  our  half-clad 
and  hungry  poor  shiver  in  the  cold  shadder  of  their  steeples 
oncared  for  and  onthought  on." 

I  sez,  "  Don't  be  so  hash,  Arvilly ;  you  know  and  I  know 
that  the  church  has  done  and  is  doin'  oncounted  good.  And 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     299 

they're  beginnin'  to  band  themselves  together  to  help  on  true 
religion  and  goodness  and  peace." 

"  Well,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  I  should  think  it  wuz  time  they 
did!" 

I  see  a  deep  shadder  settlin'  down  on  her  eye-brow,  and 
I  knowed  she  wuz  a  thinkin'  of  what  she  had  went  through. 

Well,  the  next  day  we  sot  out  for  Paris,  via  Marseilles. 
We  had  a  pleasant  trip  up  the  beautiful  blue  Mediterranean, 
a  blue  sky  overhead,  a  blue  sea  underneath.  Once  we  did 
have  quite  a  storm,  makin'  the  ship  rock  like  a  baby's  cradle 
when  its  ma  is  rockin'  it  voylent  to  git  it  to  sleep. 

I  wuzn't  sea-sick  at  all  nor  Tommy,  but  my  poor  com 
panion  suffered,  and  so  did  many  of  the  passengers.  There 
wuz  a  young  chap  who  wuz  the  picture  of  elegance  when  he 
come  aboard,  and  dretful  big  feelin'  I  should  judge  from  his 
looks  and  acts.  But,  oh,  how  low  sea-sickness  will  bring  the 
hautiest  head !  I  see  him  one  day  leanin'  up  agin  the  side  of 
the  ship  lookin'  yeller  and  ghastly.  His  sleek  clothes  all 
neglected  lookin',  his  hat  sot  on  sideways,  and  jest  as  I  wuz 
passin'  he  wuz  sayin'  to  the  aristocratic  lookin'  chap  he  wuz 
travellin'  with: 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,  Aubrey,  throw  me  overboard ! " 

His  mean  wuz  wild,  and  though  I  didn't  like  his  words 
I  made  excuses  for  him,  knowin'  that  mankind  wuz  as  prone 
to  rampage  round  in  sickness  and  act  as  sparks  are  to  fly 
up  chimbly.  But,  take  it  as  a  whole,  we  had  a  pleasant  voy 
age. 

We  only  made  a  short  stay  in  Marseilles,  but  long  enough 
to  drive  round  some  and  see  the  most  noted  sights  of  the 
city,  which  is  the  principal  seaport  of  France. 

On  the  northern  part  is  the  old  town  with  narrer  windin' 
streets  and  middlin'  nasty  and  disagreeable,  but  interestin' 
because  the  old  Roman  ramparts  are  there  and  a  wonderful 
town  hall.  A  magnificent  avenue  separates  the  old  part  from 
the  new,  a  broad,  beautiful  street  extendin'  in  a  straight  line 


300     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

the  hull  length  of  the  city.  Beyend  is  the  Prado,  a  delight 
ful  sea-side  promenade. 

The  new  city  is  built  round  the  port  and  rises  in  the 
form  of  an  amphitheatre;  the  hills  all  round  are  covered  with 
beautiful  gardens,  vineyards,  olive  groves  and  elegant  coun 
try  houses.  Just  acrost  from  the  harbor  is  the  old  chateau 
where  Mirabeau  wuz  imprisoned,  poor  humbly  creeter! 
but  smart.  He  didn't  do  as  he'd  ort  to  by  his  wife,  and  Mary 
Emily  realized  it  and  wouldn't  make  up  with  him,  though 
he  argued  his  case  powerful  in  their  lawsuit.  But  he  wuz 
a  smart  soldier  and  writ  quite  eloquent  things.  He  stood 
for  the  rights  of  the  people  as  long  as  he  could,  till  they  got 
too  obstropulous,  as  they  sometimes  will  when  they  git  to 
goin'.  But  I  presoom  he  did  desire  his  country's  good.  His 
poor  body  wuz  buried  with  pomp  and  public  mourning,  and 
then  a  few  years  after  taken  up  and  laid  with  criminals.  But 
good  land !  he'd  got  beyend  it  all.  He  had  gone  to  his  place 
wherever  it  wuz,  and  it  didn't  make  any  difference  to  him 
where  the  outgrown  garment  of  his  body  wuz. 

But  to  resoom:  The  Cathedral  is  quite  a  noble  lookin' 
edifice,  built  so  I  hearn,  on  the  spot  where  a  temple  once 
stood  where  they  worshipped  Diana ;  not  Diana  Henzy,  Dea 
con  Henzy's  sister.  Josiah  thought  I  meant  her  when  I  spoke 
on't,  and  said  the  idee  of  anybody  worshippin'  that  cranky 
old  maid,  but  as  I  told  him  it  wuz  another  old  maid  or  bach 
elor  maid,  as  I  spoze  she  ort  to  be  called,  some  years  older 
than  Diana  Henzy.  Sez  I,  "  This  Diana  wuz  a  great  case  to 
live  out-doors  in  groves  and  mountains."  Sez  I,  "  Some 
say  she  was  the  daughter  of  Zeus,  and  twin  of  Apollo." 

And  Josiah  said  them  two  wuz  nobody  he  ever  neigh 
bored  with. 

And  I  sez,  "  No,  you  hain't  old  enough."  And  that 
tickled  him ;  he  duz  love  to  be  thought  young. 

There  is  a  French  Protestant  church,  where  the  English 
residents  worship,  and  churches  and  synagogues  where  other 
sects  meet. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     301 

We  went  to  an  Arab  school,  a  museum,  library  and  bo 
tanical  garden,  where  we  see  beautiful  native  and  foreign 
trees  and  shrubs  and  flowers.  It  has  a  splendid  harbor,  con 
sisting  of  at  least  two  hundred  acres.  The  manufactures 
are  principally  glass,  porcelain,  morocco  and  other  leathers, 
soap,  sugar,  salt,  etc.,  etc.  The  city  has  had  many  ups  and 
downs,  plagues,  warfares,  sieges  and  commotions,  but  seems 
quite  peaceful  now. 

Mebby  it  put  its  best  foot  forrerd  and  tried  to  behave  its 
very  best  because  we  wuz  there.  Naterally  they  would, 
comin'  as  we  did  from  Jonesville,  the  pride  and  centre  of  the 
Universe  and  America. 

But  'tennyrate  everything  seemed  peaceful  and  com 
posed. 

We  only  stayed  there  two  days  of  rest  and  sightseeing 
and  then  rest  agin,  and  then  sot  sail  for  Paris. 

Our  first  mornin'  in  Paris  dawned  clear  and  beautiful. 
It  was  the  Fourth  of  July.  'Tain't  often  I  do  it,  but  I  put 
my  cameo  pin  on  before  breakfast,  thinkin'  that  I  could  not 
assume  too  much  grandeur  for  the  occasion.  The  pin  wuz 
clasped  over  a  little  bow  of  red,  white  and  blue,  and  in  that 
bow  and  gray  alpacky  dress  I  looked  exceedingly  well  and 
felt  so. 

Josiah  put  on  a  neck-tie  bearin'  all  the  national  colors, 
with  more  flamin'  stars  on  it,  I  guess,  than  we've  got  States, 
but  I  didn't  censure  him,  knowin'  his  motives  wuz  good. 

We  all  had  comfortable  rooms  in  the  tarven.  Arvilly 
wuz  dressed  in  black  throughout;  I  hinted  to  her  she  ort  to 
wear  some  badge  in  honor  of  the  day,  and  she  retired  to  her 
room  and  appeared  with  a  bow  made  of  black  lute  string 
ribbin  and  crape.  I  felt  dretful.  I  sez,  "  Arvilly,  can't  you 
wear  sunthin'  more  appropriate  to  the  occasion  ?  " 

Sez  she,  "  I  know  what  I  am  about,"  and  her  looks  wuz 
such  that  I  dassent  peep  about  it.  But  mebby  she  meant  it 
for  mournin'  for  her  pardner.  I  dassent  ask.  Josiah  wuz 
readin'  his  Guide  Book  as  earnest  as  he  ever  searched  the 


302     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Skripters,  and  he  sez,  with  his  finger  markin'  the  place, 
"  Where  shall  we  go  first  ?  " 

Of  course,  we  all  wanted  to  visit  the  most  noted  sights 
of  Paris.  And  all  on  us  fell  in  love  with  the  gay,  bright,  beau 
tiful,  happy  city — though  Josiah  fell  in  with  French  ways 
more  than  I  did,  owin'  to  his  constant  strivin's  after  fashion. 
Why,  I  didn't  know  but  he  would  git  to  drinkin'  whilst  he 
wuz  there,  observin'  the  French  custom  of  drinkin'  their 
light  wines  at  their  meals. 

He  intimated  that  he  should  most  probable  have  cider 
on  the  table  in  bottles  when  he  got  home.  "  You  know,"  sez 
he,  "  that  there  is  a  hull  box  of  old  medicine  bottles  to  the 
barn." 

But  I  told  him  that  nothin'  stronger  than  root  beer,  made 
by  my  own  hands  out  of  pignut  and  sassparilla,  should  ever 
be  sot  on  my  table.  But  I  may  see  trouble  with  him  in  that 
way.  Whilst  we  wuz  talkin'  about  it,  I  brung  up  to  illus 
trate  the  principles  I  wuz  promulgating  the  ivory  tankard 
Arvilly  pinted  out  to  us  in  the  American  exhibit. 

It  wuz  a  big  ivory  tankard  holdin'  enough  liquor  to  in 
toxicate  quite  a  few.  Two  big,  nasty,  wreathin'  snakes  (signi- 
fyin'  the  contents  on't  in  my  mind)  dominated  one  side  and 
made  the  handle,  and  held  the  laurel  wreath  surroundin'  it 
(signifyin'  office-holders,  so  I  spozed),  in  its  big  hungry 
mouth.  On  top  of  the  hull  thing  stood  a  rarin'  angry  brute, 
illustratin'  the  cap-stun  and  completed  mission  of  the  whis 
key  bottle. 

Arvilly  talked  more'n  half  an  hour  to  Miss  Meechim 
about  it,  and  I  wuz  glad  on't. 

But  when  I  brung  that  up,  Josiah  waved  the  subject  off 
with  a  shrug  of  his  shoulders  in  the  true  French  way,  though 
a  little  too  voyalent. 

I  had  ketched  him  practicin'  that  movement  of  the  shoul 
ders  before  the  glass.  He  had  got  so  he  could  do  it  first 
rate,  I  had  to  own  to  myself,  though  I  hated  to  see  him  prac 
tise  it  so  much,  mistrustin'  that  it  wuz  liable  to  bring  on  his 
rumatiz. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     303 

And  I  see  in  a  letter  he  writ  home :  "  Be  sure,  Ury,  and 
weed  the  jardin,  specially  the  onions,"  and  he  ended  the  let- 
ler :  "  Oh  revwar,  mon  ammy." 

I  knowed  that  it  would  make  Ury  crazy  as  a  hen,  and 
Philury,  too,  wonderin'  what  it  meant,  but  couldn't  break  it 
up.  But  speakin'  of  "  jardins,"we  went  to  several  on  'em,  the 
last  one  we  see  the  most  beautiful  seemin'ly  of  the  lot.  Jar- 
din  de  Luxemburg  Palais  Royal,  Tuilleries,  Acclimation, 
Jardin  des  Plantes.  There  are  hundreds  of  'em  scattered 
through  the  city,  beautiful  with  flowers  and  shrubbery  and 
statutes  and  fountains  and  kept  in  most  beautiful  order  and 
bloom  at  public  expense. 

And  we  visited  cathedrals,  missions,  churches,  museums, 
the  sewers,  libraries,  went  through  the  galleries  of  the 
Louvre — milds  and  milds  of  beauty  and  art,  as  impossible 
to  describe  as  to  count  the  leaves  in  Josiah's  sugar-bush  or 
the  slate  stuns  in  the  Jonesville  creek,  and  as  numerous  as  if 
every  one  of  them  leaves  and  slate  stuns  wuz  turned  into  a 
glorious  picter  or  statute  or  wondrous  work  of  ancient  or 
modern  art.  I  hain't  a-goin'  to  try  to  describe  'em  or  let 
Josiah  try,  though  he  wouldn't  want  to,  for  he  whispered  to 
me  there  in  a  sort  of  a  fierce  whisper :  "  Samantha  Allen,  I 
never  want  to  set  my  eyes  agin  on  another  virgin,  if  I  live 
to  be  as  old  as  Methulesar  or  a  saint."  Well,  there  wuz  sights 
on  'em,  but  they  looked  real  fat  and  healthy,  the  most  on 
'em;  I  guess  they  enjoyed  good  health. 

And  one  afternoon  when  the  sky  wuz  blue,  the  sun  shone 
and  the  birds  sung  merrily,  we  went  to  that  dretful  place, 
the  Paris  morgue.  There  wuz  a  crowd  before  the  doors, 
for  the  Seine  had  yielded  a  rich  harvest  that  mornin' ;  there 
wuz  five  silent  forms,  colder  than  the  marble  they  lay  on, 
one  a  young  woman  with  long  hair  falling  about  her  white 
shoulders.  Amongst  the  crowd  that  pressed  forward  to  look 
at  that  unfortunate  wuz  a  bent,  haggard  form  that  I  thought 
I  recognized.  But  if  it  wuz  a  father  watching  and  waiting 
in  dretful  hope  and  still  more  dretful  fear  for  the  best  be- 


304     AROUXD  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

loved,  I  couldn't  tell,  for  the  crowd  pressed  forward  and  he 
disappeared  almost  before  I  saw  him.  And  I  too  wuz  agi 
tated,  for  when  I  catched  sight  of  the  clustering  hair,  the 
pretty  rounded  arms  and  form,  an  awful  fear  clutched  my 
heart  that  I  trembled  like  a  popple  leaf  and  I  see  Dorothy 
turn  white  as  a  sheet  and  Arvilly  and  Miss  Meechim  looked 
like  them  that  sees  a  tragedy  and  so  did  Robert  Strong  and 
Josiah. 

But  a  closter  look  made  us  know  that  it  wuz  no  one 
that  we  ever  see.  It  wuz  not  the  dear  one  who  wuz  in  our 
hearts  day  and  night,  it  wuz  not  our  sweet  Aronette  and  it 
wuz  not  Lucia.  Poor  father!  doomed  to  hunt  in  vain  for 
her  as  long  as  his  tremblin'  limbs  could  carry  him  to  and 
fro  under  foreign  skies  and  the  sun  and  stars  of  his  own 
land.  Poor  seekin'  eyes,  turnin'  away  at  the  very  last  from 
visions  of  green  pastures  and  still  waters  to  look  once  more 
down  the  sin-cursed  streets  of  earth  for  his  heart's  treasure ! 
Dying  eyes,  dim  with  a  black  shadow,  blacker  than  the 
shadow  of  the  Valley,  cast  from  Agony  and  Sin,  sold  to  the 
crazed  multitude  for  its  undoing  by  sane  men  for  the  silver 
of  Judas.  Love  stronger  than  life,  mightier  than  death,  never 
to  be  rewarded  here.  But  we  read  of  a  time  of  rewards 
for  deeds  done  in  the  body.  At  whose  dying  beds  will  these 
black  forms  stand,  whose  shadows  torment  humanity,  to 
claim  their  own  and  go  out  with  them  to  their  place  they 
have  prepared  here  for  their  soul's  dwelling?  Hard  question, 
but  one  that  will  have  to  be  answered. 

Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  wanted  to  visit  the  Pan 
theon;  specially  the  tomb  of  Victor  Hugo.  It  is  a  great 
buildin'  with  a  dome  that  put  me  some  in  mind  of  our  own 
Capitol  at  Washington,  D.  C.  It  is  adorned  with  paintings 
and  statutes  by  the  most  eminent  artists  and  sculptors,  and 
the  mighty  shades  of  the  past  seem  to  walk  through  the 
solemn  aisles  with  us,  specially  before  the  statute  of  Victor 
Hugo.  I  felt  considerable  well  acquainted  with  him,  havin' 
hearn  Thomas  J.  read  his  books  so  much.  And  as  I  stood 


AROUND  TEE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLS2f'S  WIFE     305 

there  I  had  a  great  number  of  emotions  thinkin'  what  Victor 
.  had  went  through  from  his  native  land  from  first  to  last: 
abuse,  persecutions,  sent  off  and  brung  back,  etc.,  and  I 
thought  of  how  his  faithful  "  Toiler  of  the  Sea  "  went  through 
superhuman  labors  to  end  in  disappintment  at  last.  And 
Jean  Valjean,  the  martyr,  seemed  to  walk  along  in  front  of 
me  patiently  guardin'  and  tendin'  little  Cossette,  who  wuz  to 
pierce  his  noble,  steadfast  heart  with  the  sharpest  thorn  in  the 
hull  crown  of  thorns — ingratitude,  onrequited  affection,  and 
neglect. 

And  we  stood  before  the  Column  Vendome  and  medi 
tated  on  that  great,  queer  creeter,  Napoleon.  Who  but  he 
would  think  of  meltin'  the  cannons  he  had  took  in  battle  from 
his  enemies  and  makin'  a  triumphal  monument  of  'em  a  hun 
dred  and  forty  feet  high,  with  his  own  rigger  on  top. 

90 


CHAPTER    XXVI 

ELL,  Miss  Meechim  wanted  to  see  the  Goblin 
tapestry,  so  we  visited  the  Goblin  manufactory. 
These  tapestries  are  perfectly  beautiful,  four 
teen  thousand  shades  of  wool  are  used  in  their 
construction.  What  would  Sister  Sylvester 
Bobbett  say?  She  thought  the  colors  in  her  new  rag  carpet 
went  ahead  of  anything,  and  she  didn't  have  more'n  fourteen 
at  the  outside,  besides  black  and  but-nut  color.  But  fourteen 
thousand  colors — the  idee! 

Yes,  we  rid  through  the  marvellously  beautiful  streets 
under  triumphal  arches  and  more  warlike  ones  and  visited 
all  the  most  beautiful  sights  in  the  city  and  the  adjacent 
country,  and  who  do  you  spoze  I  met  as  I  walked  along  in 
the  Bois  de  Boulogne  ?  It  wuz  the  Princess  Ulaly.  The  rest 
of  our  party  wuz  some  little  distance  off  and  I  wuz  santerin' 
along  charmed  with  the  beauty  about  me  when  who  should 
I  meet  face  to  face  but  Ulaly.  Yes,  it  wuz  Ulaly  Infanty. 

I  wuz  highly  tickled,  for  I  considered  her  a  likely  young 
woman  and  sot  store  by  her  when  I  met  her  to  home  at  the 
World's  Fair.  She  knowed  me  in  a  minute  and  seemed  as 
glad  to  see  me  as  I  wuz  her,  and  I  sez  to  her  most  the  first 
thing  after  the  compliments  wuz  passed,  "  Who  would  have 
thought,  Ulaly,  when  we  parted  in  Chicago,  U.  S.,  that  the 
next  time  we  should  meet  would  be  in  Paris?  " 

"  Yes,  indeed !  "  sez  she,  "  who  would  have  thought  it." 
And  I  went  on  to  say,  for  I  see  she  looked  real  deprested : 

"  Ulaly,  things  hain't  come  out  as  I  wanted  'em  to ;  I  felt 
real  bad  about  it  after  your  folks  sold  their  jewelry  to  help 
discover  us.  I  dare  presume  to  say  they  have  been  sorry 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     307 

time  and  agin  that  they  ever  found  us,  and  I  wouldn't  blame 
'em,  for  as  Josiah  sez  to  me : 

"  '  Where  would  we  be  to-day  if  it  hadn't  been  for  Colum 
bus?  Like  enough  we  shouldn't  been  discovered  at  all.'  Sez 
he,  '  Most  probable  we  should  be  Injins.'  But  don't  lay  it 
to  Josiah  or  me,  Ulaly,  we  hain't  to  blame,  we  didn't  do  a 
thing  to  bring  on  the  trouble.  Of  course  we  remembered 
the  Maine  some,  we  had  to,  and  your  folks  couldn't  blame 
us  for  it.  Josiah  and  me  felt  real  provoked  and  mortified  to 
think  that  after  folks  had  gin  their  jewelry  to  discover  us 
they  should  blow  us  up  in  that  way.  But  I  sez  to  Josiah, 
'  Because  three  hundred  are  sent  onprepared  into  eternity  it 
hain't  no  reason  three  thousand  should  be.'  We  are  great 
cases  for  peace,  Josiah  and  I  be,  and  would  have  managed 
most  any  way,  even  been  run  on  some  and  imposed  upon  a 
little  ruther  than  to  have  rushed  into  the  onspeakable  hor 
rors  of  war. 

"  And  I  don't  want  you  to  blame  William,  either;  he  held 
onto  the  dogs  of  war  with  both  hands  a  tryin'  to  hold  'em  in." 

"  William  ?  "  sez  she  inquirin'ly. 

"  Yes,  William  McKinley,  our  President.  He  jest  held 
onto  them  dogs  till  they  wuz  likely  to  tear  him  to  pieces,  then 
he  had  to  leggo.  Them  dogs  wuz  jest  inflamed  by  havin' 
yellow  literatoor  shook  in  their  faces,  and  yells  from  greedy 
politicians  and  time  servers,  till  they  wuz  howlin'  mad  and 
would  have  barked  themselves  blind  if  he  hadn't  leggo.  But 
he  didn't  want  to,  William  didn't,  he  wanted  peace  dread 
fully."  And  she  said  real  sweet,  that  she  knew  he  did. 

"  Well,  it  turned  out  jest  as  it  did,  Ulaly.  But  I  think 
just  as  much  of  you  as  I  did  before  you  lost  your  propputy, 
and  I  d'no  as  the  propputy  Uncle  Sam  got  hold  of  in  the 
dicker  is  a  goin'  to  do  him  much  good,  not  for  quite  a  spell 
anyway.  There  is  such  a  thing  as  bein'  land  poor,  taxes  are 
heavy,  hired  help  hain't  to  be  relied  on  and  the  more  you 
have  the  more  you  have  to  watch  and  take  care  on,  though 
of  course  it  is  a  pleasure  to  a  certain  set  of  faculties  and 


308     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

some  particular  bumps  in  your  head,  to  own  a  path  as  you 
may  say,  most  round  the  world,  steppin'  off  from  California 
to  Hawaii  and  then  on  to  the  Philippines,  ready  to  step  off 
from  there,  Heaven  knows  how  fur  or  when  or  where.  It 
is  a  pleasure  to  a  certain  part  of  your  mind,  but  other  parts 
of  your  head  and  heart  hold  back  and  don't  cheer  in  the  pro 
cession.  But  howsumever,  Ulaly,  that  is  neither  here  nor 
there.  I  hope  your  folks  are  so  as  to  git  round.  I  wuz  sorry 
enough  to  'hear  that  you  and  your  pardner  don't  live  agree 
able.  But  though  it  is  a  pity,  pardners  have  had  spats  from 
Eden  to  Chicago  and  I  d'no  but  they  always  will.  The  trou 
ble  is  they  take  pardners  as  boons  instead  of  dispensations, 
and  don't  lean  hard  enough  on  scripter. 

"  But  this  is  not  the  time  or  place  for  sermons  on  how  to 
be  happy,  though  married.  How  is  Christina  and  Alfonso? 
I'm  afraid  he's  gittin'  obstropolous,  and  I  d'no  but  Christina 
will  have  to  give  him  a  good  spankin'  before  she  gits  through. 
Of  course,  spankin'  a  king  seems  quite  a  big  job  to  tackle, 
and  of  course  he's  pretty  old  for  it.  But  it  don't  do  to  let 
children  have  their  heads  too  much.  One  good  spankin' 
will  strike  in  truth  when  reams  of  sermons  and  tearful  ex 
postulations  will  fail.  You  might  just  mention  to  Christina 
what  I've  said,  and  then  she  can  do  as  she  wants  to  with  fear 
and  tremblin'." 

But  I  see  my  folks  passin'  down  a  distant  path,  and  I  sez : 
"  I  will  now  bid  you  adoo,  Ulaly,  as  time  and  Arvilly  and  Jo- 
siah  are  passin'  away."  She  bid  me  a  real  pleasant  good-by, 
and  I  withdrawed  myself  and  jined  my  folks. 

One  day  the  hull  of  our  party  visited  Fontainbleu  and 
went  through  the  apartments  of  kings  and  queens  and  popes 
and  cardinals.  The  rooms  of  Napoleon  wuz  full  of  the  thrill 
ing  interest  that  great  leader  always  rousted  up,  and  always 
will,  I  spoze,  till  history's  pages  are  torn  up  and  destroyed. 
And  in  the  rooms  of  Marie  Antoinette  we  see  the  lovely  costly 
things  gin  to  this  beautiful  queen  when  the  people  loved  her. 
and  she,  as  she  slept  under  the  beautiful  draperies  gin  by 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     309 

the  people,  never  dreamed,  I  spoze,  that  the  hands  that 
wrought  love  and  admiration  into  these  fabrics  would  turn 
on  her  and  rend  her. 

But  Marie  didn't  do  right.  Carelessness,  oppression,  neg 
lect  of  the  people's  rights,  a  few  grasping  the  wealth  of  the 
nation  while  the  pebple  suffer  and  starve,  weave  bloody  col 
ors  into  the  warp  and  woof  of  life  from  Paris  to  New  York 
and  Washington,  D.  C.,  and  so  on  to  Jonesville.  And  we 
went  through  the  apartments  of  Louis  Philippe,  Francis  L, 
Louis  XIII. ,  etc.,  and  Madam  Maintenon's  apartments  and 
Diana  de  Poyter's,  and  seen  her  monogram  decorating  the 
apartment  interwoven  with  the  king's.  I  hated  to  see  it, 
but  couldn't  do  nothin'  to  break  it  up  at  this  late  day.  Miss 
Meechim  walked  through  these  apartments  with  her  nose 
in  the  air,  having  sent  Dorothy  into  the  garden  with. Robert 
Strong  and  Tommy,  and  Arvilly  wouldn't  cross  the  thresholt, 
and  I  didn't  blame  her,  though  havin'  my  lawful  pardner  by 
my  side  I  ventered. 

But  Arvilly  led  off  into  the  beautiful  gardens,  where  we 
found  her  settin'  with  Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  and 
Tommy  by  the  fountain. 

We  wanted  to  explore  the  forests  of  Fontainbleu,  but 
only  had  time  for  a  short  drive  through  it,  but  found  it  most 
picturesque  and  beautiful  what  we  see  of  it. 

Bein'  such  a  case  for  freedom,  Arvilly  wanted  to  see  the 
Column  of  July  riz  up  on  the  site  of  the  old  prison  of  the 
Bastile.  And  I  did,  too.  I  felt  considerable  interested  in 
this  prison,  havin'  seen  the  great  key  that  used  to  lock  up  the 
prisoners  at  Mount  Vernon — a  present  to  our  own  George 
Washington  from  that  brave  Frenchman  and  lover  of  liberty, 
Lafayette. 

A  brave  man  held  in  lovin'  remembrance  by  our  country, 
and  I  spoze  always  will  be,  as  witness  his  noble  statute  gin  by 
our  school  children  to  France  this  present  year.  That  his 
statute  and  G.  Washington's  should  be  gin  to  France  by 
America,  and  that  Josiah  Allen's  wife  and  Josiah  should 


310     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEYS  WIFE 

also  be  permitted  to  adorn  their  shores  simeltaneous  and  to 
once,  what  a  proud  hour  for  France !  Well  might  she  put 
her  best  foot  f orrerd  and  act  happy  and  hilarious ! 

But  to  resoom :  The  last  afternoon  of  our  stay  in  Paris, 
Arvilly  and  I  went  to  see  the  Column  of  July,  accompanied 
by  my  pardner,  Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy  havin'  gone  to  a 
matinee,  and  Robert  Strong  havin'  took  Tommy  with  him 
to  see  some  interestin'  sight.  And  I  had  a  large  number 
of  emotions  as  we  stood  there  and  thought  of  all  the  horrows 
that  had  took  place  there,  and  see  way  up  on  top  of  the 
lofty  column  the  Genius  of  Liberty  holdin'  in  one  hand  the 
broken  chains  of  captives  and  holdin'  up  in  her  other  hand 
the  torch  of  liberty. 

But  I  methought  to  myself  she's  got  to  be  careful,  Lib 
erty  has,  or  that  torch  will  light  up  more'n  she  wants  it  to. 
Liberty  is  sometimes  spelt  license  in  France  and  in  our  own 
country,  but  they  don'  mean  the  same  thing,  no,  indeed! 
We  hung  round  there  in  that  vicinity  seein'  the  different 
sights,  and  Josiah  took  it  in  his  head  that  we  should  take  our 
supper  outdoors ;  he  said  he  thought  it  would  be  real  roman 
tic,  and  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  it  wuz.  'Tennyrate,  that  is  one 
of  the  sights  of  Paris  to  see  the  gayly  dressed  throngs  happy 
as  kings  and  queens,  seemin'ly  eatin'  outdoors.  Lights  shinin' 
over  'em,  gay  talk  and  laughter  and  music  sparklin'  about 
'em. 

Well,  Josiah  enjoyed  the  eppisode  exceedingly,  but  it 
made  it  ruther  late  when  we  started  back  to  the  tarven 
through  the  brightly  lighted  streets  and  anon  into  a  more 
deserted  and  quiet  one,  and  on  one  of  these  last  named  we 
see  a  man,  white-headed  and  bent  in  figger,  walkin'  along 
before  us,  who  seemed  to  be  actin'  dretful  queer.  He  would 
walk  along  for  quite  a  spell,  payin'  no  attention  to  anybody 
seemin'ly,  when  all  at  once  he  would  dart  up  clost  to  some 
young  girl,  and  look  sharp  at  her,  and  then  slink  back  agin 
into  his  old  gait. 

Thinkses  I  is  he  crazy  or  is  he  some  old  fool  that's  love 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAE  ALLEN'S  WIFE     311 

sick.  But  'his  actions  didn't  seem  to  belong  to  either  of  the 
classes  named.  And  finally  right  under  a  lamp  post  he 
stopped  to  foller  with  his  eager  eyes  a  graceful,  slim  young 
figger  that  turned  down  a  cross  street  and  we  come  face  to 
face  with  him. 

It  wuz  Elder  Wessel — it  wuz  the  figger  I  had  seen  at  the 
morgue — but,  oh,  the  change  that  had  come  over  the  poor 
creeter!  Hair,  white  as  snow;  form,  bowed  down;  wan, 
haggard  face;  eyes  sunken;  lookin'  at  us  with  melancholy 
sombry  gaze  that  didn't  seem  to  see  anything.  Josiah 
stepped  up  and  held  out  his  hand,  and  sez:  "  Elder,  I'm  glad 
to  see  you,  how  do  you  do?  You  don't  look  very  rugged." 

He  didn't  notice  Josiah's  hand  no  more  than  if  it  wuz 
moonshine.  He  looked  at  us  with  cold,  onsmilin',  onseein', 
mean,  some  like  them  same  moonbeams  fallin'  down  on  dark, 
troubled  waters,  and  I  hearn  him  mutter : 

"  I  thought  I  had  found  her !    Where  is  Lucia  ?  "  sez  he. 

The  tears  run  down  my  face  onbeknown  to  me,  for  oh 
the  hunted,  haunted  look  he  wore !  He  wuz  a  portly,  hand 
some  man  when  we  see  him  last,  with  red  cheeks,  iron-gray 
hair  and  whiskers  and  tall,  erect  figger.  Now  he  had  the 
look  of  a  man  who  had  kep'  stiddy  company  with  Death, 
Disgrace,  Agony  and  Fear — kep'  company  with  'em  so  long 
that  he  wuz  a  stranger  to  anybody  and  everybody  else. 

He  hurried  away,  sayin'  agin  in  them  same  heart-breakin' 
axents:  "  Where  is  Lucia?  " 

Arvilly  turned  round  and  looked  after  him  as  he  shambled 
off. 

"  Poor  creeter ! "  sez  she.  Her  keen  eyes  wuz  full  of 
tears,  and  I  knowed  she  would  never  stir  him  up  agin  with  the 
sharp  harrer  of  her  irony  and  sarcasm  if  she  had  ever  so  good 
a  chance.  Josiah  took  out  his  bandanna  and  blowed  his  nose 
hard.  He's  tender-hearted.  We  knowed  sunthin'  how  he 
felt ;  wuzn't  we  all,  Dorothy,  Miss  Meechim,  Arvilly,  Robert 
Strong,  Josiah  and  I  always,  always  looking  out  for  a  dear 
little  form  that  had  been  wrenched  out  of  our  arms  and 


312     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

hearts,  not  by  death,  no,  by  fur  worse  than  death,  by  the  two 
licensed  Terrors  whose  black  dretful  shadders  fall  on  every 
home  in  our  land,  dogs  the  steps  of  our  best  beloved  ready 
to  tear  'em  away  from  Love  and  from  Safety  and  Happiness. 

From  Paris  we  went  to  Berne.  I  hearn  Josiah  tellin' 
Tommy :  "  It  is  called  Burn,  I  spoze,  because  it  got  burnt 
down  a  number  of  times." 

But  it  hain't  so.  It  wuz  named  from  Baren  (bears),  of 
which  more  anon.  Robert  Strong  had  been  there,  and  he 
wanted  Dorothy  to  see  the  scenery,  which  he  said  was  sub 
lime.  Among  the  highest  points  of  the  Bernise  Alps  and  the 
Jungfrau  and  the  Matterhorn,  which  latter  peak  is  from 
twelve  to  fourteen  thousand  feet  high.  Good  land!  What 
if  I  had  to  climb  it !  But  I  hadn't,  and  took  comfort  in  the 
thought.  Deep,  beautiful  valleys  are  also  in  the  Oberland, 
as  the  southern  part  of  the  Canton  is  called,  the  Plain  of 
Interlaken  being  one  of  the  most  beautiful. 

There  are  several  railways  that  centre  in  Berne,  and  it 
stands  at  the  crossroads  to  France  and  Germany.  And 
though  it  is  a  Swiss  city,  it  seemed  much  more  like  a  Ger 
man  one,  so  Robert  Strong  said.  The  people,  the  signs,  the 
streets,  the  hotels  and  all,  he  said,  was  far  more  like  a  German 
city  than  a  Swiss  one. 

It  is  quite  a  handsome  city  of  about  fifty  thousand  in 
habitants,  with  straight,  wide  streets  and  handsome  houses, 
and  one  thing  I  liked  first-rate,  a  little  creek  called  the  Gassel, 
has  been  made  to  run  into  the  city,  so  little  rivulets  of  water 
flow  through  some  of  the  streets,  and  it  supplies  the  foun 
tains  so  they  spray  up  in  a  noble  way. 

Josiah  sez :  "  If  Ury  and  I  can  turn  the  creek,  Samantha, 
so  it  will  run  through  the  dooryard,  you  shall  have  a  foun 
tain  right  under  your  winder.  Ury  and  I  can  rig  up  a  statter 
for  it  out  of  stuns  and  mortar  that  will  look  first-rate.  And 
I  spoze,"  sez  he,  "  the  Jonesvillians  would  love  to  see  my 
linimen  sculped  on  it,  and  it  might  be  a  comfort  to  you,  if  I 
should  be  took  first." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     313 

"  No,  Josiah,"  sez  I,  "  not  if  you  and  Ury  made  it ;  it 
would  only  add  to  my  agony." 

We  had  quite  a  good  hotel.  But  I  see  the  hired  girl  had 
made  a  mistake  in  makin'  up  the  bed.  Mebby  she  wuz  ab 
sent  minded  or  lovesick;  'tennyrate  she  had  put  the  feather 
bed  top  of  us  instead  of  under  us. 

As  Josiah  laid  down  under  it  he  said  words  I  wouldn't 
have  had  Elder  Minkley  heard  for  a  dollar  bill,  and  it  didn't 
nigh  cover  his  feet  anyway.  What  to  do  I  didn't  know,  for  it 
wuz  late  and  I  spozed  the  woman  of  the  house  had  gone  to 
bed  and  I  didn't  want  to  roust  her  up.  And  I  knew  anyway 
it  would  mortify  her  dretfully  to  have  her  help  make  such  a 
mistake.  Good  land !  if  Philury  should  do  such  a  thing  I 
should  feel  like  a  fool.  So  I  had  Josiah  git  up,  still  talkin' 
language  onfit  for  a  deacon  and  a  perfessor,  and  I  put  the 
bed  where  it  belonged,  spread  the  sheets  over  it  smooth, 
put  my  warm  woollen  shawl  and  our  railway  rug  on  it  and 
made  a  splendid  bed. 

The  food  wuz  quite  good,  though  sassage  and  cheese  wuz 
too  much  in  evidence,  and  beer  and  pipes  and  bears.  I  always 
kinder  spleened  aginst  bears  and  wuz  afraid  on  'em  and 
wouldn't  take  one  for  a  present,  but  it  beat  all  how  much  they 
seem  to  think  of  bears  there,  namin'  the  place  for  'em  to  start 
with,  and  they  have  bears  carved  and  painted  on  most  every 
thing.  Bears  spout  water  out  of  their  mouths  in  the  foun 
tains,  they  have  dead  ones  in  their  museums,  and  they  have 
a  big  bear  den  down  by  the  river  where  great  live  ones  can 
growl  and  act  all  they  want  to.  And  bears  show  off  in  a 
wonderful  clock  tower  they  have  built  way  back  in  the  'lev- 
enth  century.  I  never  see  Tommy  so  delighted  with  any 
thing  hardly  as  he  wuz  with  that,  and  Josiah  too.  Every 
hour  a  procession  of  bears  come  out,  led,  I  believe,  by  a  roos 
ter  who  claps  his  wings  and  crows,  and  then  they  walk  round 
a  old  man  with  a  hour  glass  who  strikes  the  hour  on  a  bell. 
But  the  bears  lead  the  programmy  and  bow  and  strut  round 
and  act. 


314     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

The  manufactures  of  Berne  are  mostly  cloth,  silk  and 
cotton,  straw  'hats,  etc.  It  has  a  great  university  with  seventy- 
three  professors.  Good  land!  if  each  one  on  'em  knowed  a 
little  and  would  teach  it  they  ort  to  keep  a  first-rate  school. 

And  it  also  uses  a  Referendum.  Arvilly  disputed  me  when 
I  spoke  on't;  she  thought  it  wuz  sunthin'  agin  'em,  but  it 
hain't.  It  helps  the  people.  If  they  don't  like  a  law  after  it 
passes  the  legislature  they  have  a  chance  to  vote  on  it.  And 
it  keeps  'em  from  bein'  fooled  by  politicians  and  dishonest 
statesmen.  I  approve  on't  and  Arvilly  did  when  she  got  more 
acquainted  with  the  idee.  I  wish  America  would  get  hold 
of  one,  and  I  guess  she  will  when  she  gits  round  to  it,  though 
Arvilly  don't  believe  they  will.  Sez  she :  "  Our  statesmen 
ruther  spend  their  time  votin'  on  the  length  of  women's  hat 
pins,  and  discuss  what  a  peril  they  are  to  manhood."  Sez  she: 
"  Why  don't  they  vote  agin  men's  suspenders  ?  Everybody 
knows  a  man  could  hang  a  woman  with  'em,  hang  'em  right 
up  on  the  bed  post."  Sez  Arvilly :  "  Why  not  vote,  that  men 
shall  fasten  their  trousers  to  their  vests  with  hook  and  eyes, 
they  are  so  much  less  dangerous?  "  But  I  don't  spoze  they 
ever  will.  It  is  a  job  to  fasten  your  skirt  to  your  waist  with 
'em.  But  they  are  real  safe  and  I  wish  men  would  adopt 
'em.  But  don't  spoze  they  will,  they  hate  to  be  bothered  so. 

Another  thing  I  liked  first-rate  there  and  Arvilly  did, 
the  corporation  of  the  city  is  so  rich  it  furnishes  fuel  for  its 
citizens  free.  Arvilly  sez : 

"  Catch  the  rich  corporations  of  our  American  cities  fur- 
nishin'  fuel  for  even  the  poorest.  No ;  it  would  let  'em  burn 
up  their  old  chairs  or  bedsteads  first,  or  freeze," 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  mebby  our  country  will  take  pattern  of 
the  best  of  all  other  countries  when  she  gits  round  to  it ; 
she's  been  pretty  busy  lately." 

And  Arvilly  sez,  "  She  had  better  hurry  up  before  her 
poor  are  all  starved  or  friz ;  but  as  it  is,"  sez  she,  "  her  states 
men  are  votin'  on  wimmen's  'hat-pins  whilst  Justice  lays  flat 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     315 

with  her  stillyards  on  top  of  her  and  Pity  and  Mercy  have 
wep'  themselves  sick." 

America  is  good,  her  charities  are  almost  boundless,  but  I 
think  some  as  Arvilly  that  Charity  hain't  so  likely  lookin*  or 
actin'  as  Justice,  and  Robert  Strong  thinks  so  too.  But  it 
is  a  great  problem  what,  to  do  for  the  best  in  this  case.  Meb- 
by  Solomon  knew  enough  to  grapple  with  the  question,  but 
Josiah  don't,  nor  Arvilly,  though  she  thinks  she  duz.  Robert 
Strong  is  gittin'  one  answer  to  the  hard  conundrum  of  life, 
and  Ernest  White  is  figurin'  it  out  successful.  And  lots  of 
other  good  and  earnest  souls  all  over  the  world  are  workin' 
away  at  the  sum  with  their  own  slates  and  pencils.  But  oh, 
the  time  is  long !  One  needs  the  patience  of  the  Sphinx  to  set 
and  see  it  go  on,  to  labor  and  to  wait.  But  God  knows  the 
answer  to  the  problem ;  in  His  own  good  time  He  will  reveal 
it,  as  the  reward  of  constant  labor,  tireless  patience,  trust  and 
prayer.  But  to  resoom  forwards:  One  of  the  picturesque 
features  of  the  older  part  of  Berne  is  that  the  houses  are 
built  up  on  an  arcade  under  which  runs  a  footpath. 

But  its  great  feature  is  the  enchantin'  scenery.  It  stands 
on  a  peninsula  and  the  view  on  mountain  and  river  is  most 
beautiful. 

From  Berne  we  went  direct  to  the  city  of  Milan  in  Italy. 
And  we  found  that  it  wuz  a  beautiful  city  eight  or  nine  milds 
round,  I  should  judge,  with  very  handsome  houses,  the  cathe 
dral  bein'  the  cap  sheaf.  I'd  had  a  picture  on't  on  my  settin' 
room  wall  for  years,  framed  with  pine  cones  and  had  spent 
hours,  I  spoze,  from  first  to  last  lookin'  at  it,  but  hadn't  no 
more  idee  of  its  size  and  beauty  than  a  Hottentot  has  of  ice 
water  and  soap  stuns. 

From  every  point  of  view  it  is  perfect,  front  side,  back 
side,  outside  and  inside ;  specially  beautiful  are  the  gorgeous 
stained  glass  winders  in  the  altar. 

Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  and  all  the  rest  of  the  party 
but  Josiah  and  me  and  Tommy  dumb  up  to  the  biggest 
tower,  three  hundred  and  thirty  or  forty  feet,  and  they  said 


316     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

the  view  from  there  wuz  sublime  and  you  couldn't  realize  the 
beauty  of  the  cathedral  until  you  saw  it  from  that  place  where 
you  seemed  to  stand  in  a  forest  of  beautifully  carved  white 
marble.  But  I  sez  to  'em,  "  I  can  believe  every  word  you 
say  without  provin'  it." 

I  never  could  have  stood  it  to  dumb  so  high,  but  they 
said  you  could  see  way  off  the  Appenines,  the  Alps,  Mont 
Blanc,  the  Matterhorn,  a  wonderful  view.  The  cathedral 
is  full  of  monuments  to  kings  and  queens  and  saints  and  high 
church  dignitaries.  Its  carving,  statuary,  fret  work  is  beyend 
description.  It  is  said  to  be  the  most  beautiful  in  the  world 
and  I  shouldn't  wonder,  'tennyrate  it  goes  fur,  fur  beyend 
the  M.  E.  meetin'-house  in  Jonesville  or  Zoar  or  Loontown. 

Milan  has  beautiful  picture  galleries,  and  Miss  Meechim 
and  Arvilly  and  I  wuz  restin'  in  one  one  day,  for  we  wuz  tired 
out  sightseein',  when  a  young  man  and  woman  swep'  by,  both 
on  'em  with  glasses  stuck  in  their  eyes,  richly  dressed  and  she 
covered  with  jewels,  and  their  wuz  a  maid  carryin'  wraps 
and  a  cushion,  and  a  man  carryin'  two  camp-chairs,  and  a  tall, 
slim  tutor  follerin'  with  a  little  boy. 

I  d'no  as  the  Queen  of  Sheba  and  Mr.  Sheba  could  have 
travelled  with  any  more  pomp  if  they  had  took  it  into  their 
heads  to  come  to  Jonesville  the  Fourth  of  July.  They  didn't 
seem  to  be  payin'  any  attention  to  the  pictures,  though  they 
wuz  perfectly  beautiful.  There  wuz  a  group  of  titled  people 
that  had  been  pinted  out  to  us,  and  their  eyes  wuz  glued  on 
them,  and  they  seemed  to  be  kinder  followin'  'em  round. 
They  gin  Miss  Meechim  a  cool,  patronizin'  nod  as  they  went 
by,  and  she  gurgled  and  overflowed  with  joy  over  it. 

She  said  they  wuz  the  Mudd-Weakdews,  of  Sacramento, 
Rev.  Mr  Weakdew's  only  child,  and  they  wuz  on  their  way 
home  from  Paris;  he  had  married  Augusta  Mudd,  a  million 
airess.  "  They  are  so  exclusive,  so  genteel !  "  sez  Miss  Mee 
chim,  "  they  will  not  associate  with  anybody  but  the  very 
first.  He  wuz  a  college  mate  of  Robert's  and  so  different 
from  him,"  sez  she. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     317 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  in  a  real  dry  tone,  "  I  spoze  he  is,  he  looks 
different  anyway." 

"  He  is  engaged  in  the  same  occupation  Robert  is,"  sez 
Miss  Meechim,  "  and  he  would  no  more  do  as  Robert  does 
than  he  would  fly.  He  keeps  his  workmen  down  in  their 
place.  Now  Robert  sells  them  land  at  a  cheap  rate  and  en 
courages  a  building  association  amongst  the  workmen,  so 
most  all  of  them  own  their  own  houses  and  gardens,  and  they 
cultivate  fruits  and  flowers,  making  their  homes  look  more 
like  a  genteel,  wealthy  person's  than  a  laborer's;  it  makes 
them  independent  as  you  please,  heads  right  up,  lookin'  you 
right  in  the  face,  as  if  they  wuz  your  equals.  Mudd-Weak- 
dew  don't  let  them  own  an  inch  of  land ;  they  live  in  tenements 
that  he  owns  and  they  pay  high  rents.  The  houses  are  labor 
ers'  rooms,  not  genteel  and  comfortable  as  their  employer's. 
He  says  that  he  makes  as  much  out  of  the  rent  of  these 
houses  as  he  does  from  his  factory,  for  I  must  say  that  Rob 
ert's  workmen  do  more  work  and  better.  But  the  Mudd- 
Weakdews  live  like  a  prince  on  a  broad,  tree-shaded  avenue 
with  a  long  row  of  tenement  houses  on  the  alley  back  of  it, 
separated  from  the  poor,  and  what  I  consider  a  genteel, 
proper  way. 

"  Of  course  his  workmen  complain  that  they  do  all  the 
work  and  he  lives  in  a  palace  and  they  in  a  hovel,  that  he  is 
burdened  with  luxuries  and  is  hoarding  up  millions,  whilst 
they  labor  through  their  half-starved  lives  and  have  the  work 
house  to  look  forward  to.  So  unreasonable!  How  can  the 
poor  expect  the  genteel  pleasures  of  the  wealthy,  and  when 
their  houses  are  low  and  old  and  the  walls  mouldy  and 
streets  narrow  and  filthy  and  no  gardens,  and  ten  or  fifteen 
in  one  room,  they  ought  not  to  expect  the  comfort  and  pure 
air  of  four  people  in  one  great  house  set  in  a  park.  But  such 
people  can't  reason." 

"  Who  is  the  fourth  ?  "  sez  I  coldly,  for  I  despised  her 
idees. 

"  They  have  a  little  girl  older  than  Augustus  and  very 


318     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

different  from  him.  Little  Augustus  is  naturally  very  aris 
tocratic  and  they  encourage  him  to  look  down  on  the  tene 
ment  children  and  be  sharp  to  them,  for  they  know  that  he 
will  have  to  take  the  reins  in,  his  'hands  and  control  rebellious 
workmen  just  as  his  pa  does  now,  and  conquer  them  just  as 
you  would  a  ugly  horse  or  dog." 

"  How  is  the  little  girl  different  ?"  sez  I  in  cold,  icy 
axents. 

"  Oh,  she  is  a  perfect  beauty,  older  than  Augustus  and  at 
boarding-school  now.  She  is  the  idol  of  their  hearts — even 
the  workmen  love  her,  she  is  so  gentle  and  sweet.  Her 
parents  adore  her  and  expect  that  she  will  unite  them  to  the 
nobility,  for  she  is  as  beautiful  as  an  angel. 

"  Little  Augustus  was  terribly  frightened  just  before  we 
sailed,  his  grand-pa  told  me;  one  of  them  impudent  work 
men  who  had  been  sick  and  out  of  work  for  a  spell  rushed 
up  to  little  Augustus,  who  was  feeding  cakes  to  his  pony  and 
Italian  greyhound,  and  demanded  him  to  give  him  some.  The 
man's  fierce  looks  was  such  that  Augustus  dropped  the  cakes 
and  ran  away  to  his  tutor.  The  man  had  the  impudence  to 
pick  up  the  pieces  and  rush  away  with  them,  muttering  that 
his  own  boy  was  dying  for  want  of  food,  while  this  boy  was 
throwing  it  away.  What  business  was  it  to  him,  I  would  like 
to  know.  The  man  was  turned  off,  I  believe.  Mudd- Weak- 
dew  will  stand  no  impudence;  he  builds  up  a  wall  of  separa 
tion  between  himself  and  them  that  can't  be  broke  down,  just 
as  he  has  a  right  to." 

Sez  I,  "  Mebby  it  can't  be  broke  down,  but  the  wrongs 
and  sufferin's  of  one  class  is  apt  to  react  on  the  other." 

"  But  it  cannot  here,"  sez  she,  "  for  Mudd-Weakdew  is 
not  like  Robert,  mingling  with  his  workmen,  breaking  down 
the  wall  of  separation,  that  always  has  and  I  believe  always 
should  exist  between  the  genteel  wealthy  and  the  poor." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  time  will  tell."    And  she  went  on. 

"  You  ought  to  see  the  elegance  of  their  house,  thirty 
house  servants  and  Robert  has  only  two;  and  won't  let  them 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     319 

be  called  servants;  he  calls  them  helpers.  Oh,  they  are  so 
genteel!  they  mingle  with  the  very  first,  and  Robert  might 
do  just  so,  but  he  actually  seems  happier  amongst  his  work 
men  trying  to  make  them  happier  than  he  does  with  the  titled 
aristocracy.  Mudd-Weakdew  would  no  more  mingle  with 
his  workmen  as  Robert  does,  than  he  would  fly." 

I  murmured  onbeknown  to  myself,  "  The  poor  received 
Him  gladly;"  "  Except  ye  do  these  things  ye  cannot  be  my 
disciples."  And  I  sez  to  Miss  Meechim,  "  How  would  the 
Mudd-Weakdews  receive  the  carpenter's  Son  if  he  should 
stop  at  their  gate  some  afternoon  while  they  wuz  givin'  a 
garden  party  to  nobility.  If  Jesus  should  enter  there  with  his 
chosen  companions,  the  fishermen  and  the  poor,  all  dusty 
from  weary  walks  and  barefooted;  if  he  should  look  through 
their  luxury  to  the  squalid  homes  beyend  with  reproach  and 
sorrow  in  his  divine  face,  how  would  they  greet  him?  " 

Miss  Meechim  said  she  didn't  really  know,  they  wuz  so 
very,  very  exclusive,  but  she  felt  that  they  would  act  genteel 
anyway.  "  And,"  sez  she,  "  they  worship  in  a  magnificent 
church  built  by  millionaires  and  used  by  them  almost  ex 
clusively,  for  of  course  poor  people  wouldn't  feel  at  home 
there  amongst  the  aristocracy." 

But  Arvilly  said — I  guess  she  had  to  say  it — "  Yes,  they 
kneel  and  worship  the  Christ  they  crucified  while  they  trom- 
ple  on  his  teachings;  hypocrites  and  Pharisees,  the  hull  ca 
boodle  on  'em,  Rev.  Weakdew  and  all !  "  I  d'no  but  Arvilly 
wuz  too  hash,  but  mebby  my  groans  spoke  as  loud  as  her 
words ;  I  felt  considerable  as  she  did  and  she  knowed  it. 

"  Oh !  oh !  "  Miss  Meechim  fairly  squeeled  the  words  out, 
"  Rev.  Weakdew  is  very  thoughtful  and  charitable  to  the  poor 
always.  I  have  wept  to  hear  him  tell  of  their  home  above, 
right  in  with  the  rich  you  know,  mingling  with  them;  I 
have  heard  him  say  it,  exclusive  as  he  and  his  family  is,  and 
how  after  starvation  here  how  sweet  the  bread  of  life  would 
seem  to  them." 

"  In  my  opinion,"   sez   Arvilly,   "  he   better   spend   his 


320     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

strength  tryin'  to  feed  'em  on  earth;  when  they  git  to  that 
country  the  Lord  can  take  care  on  'em." 

"  Oh,  he  always  has  a  collection  taken  up  for  the  poor, 
Christmas  and  Easter,  and  his  congregation  is  very  charitable 
and  give  largely  in  alms  and  make  suppers  for  the  poor, 
Christmas,  almost  as  good  as  the  wealthy  enjoy." 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  You  can't  put  out  the  ragin'  fires  of  a  vol 
cano  with  a  waterin'  pot;  it  will  keep  belchin'  out  for  all  of 
that  little  drizzle;  that  seethin'  kaldron  of  fire  and  ashes 
would  have  to  be  cleaned  out  and  the  hull  lay  of  the  land 
changed  in  order  to  stop  it.  What  good  duz  it  do  to  scatter 
a  few  loaves  of  bread  to  the  hungry  while  the  Liquor  Power 
and  the  mills  of  Monopoly  are  grindin'  out  hundreds  and 
thousands  of  tramps  and  paupers  every  year?  " 

Sez  Miss  Meechim,  "  the  poor  ye  shall  always  have  with 
you." 

"We  don't  read,"  sez  Arvilly,  "of  Martha  Washington 
having  to  feed  tramps  nor  labor  riots  and  strikers  in  the  time 
of  Jefferson.  No,  it  wuz  when  our  republic  begun  to  copy 
the  sampler  of  old  nations'  luxury,  aristocracy  and  enormous 
wealth  for  the  few  and  poverty  and  starvation  for  the  many. 
Copyin'  the  old  feudal  barons  and  thieves  who  used  to  swoop 
down  on  weaker  communities  and  steal  all  their  possessions, 
only  they  gained  by  force  what  is  gained  now  by  corrupt  leg 
islation.  Anybody  would  think,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  that  as  many 
times  as  that  sampler  has  been  soaked  in  blood,  and  riddled 
by  bullets,  our  country  wouldn't  want  to  foller  it,  but  they 
do  down  to  the  smallest  stitch  on't  and  how  can  they  hope 
to  escape  their  fate?  They  can't!  "  sez  Arvilly. 

"  But,"  I  sez,  "  they  can't  unless  they  turn  right  round  in 
their  tracts.  But  I  am  a  good  deal  in  hopes  they  will,"  sez  I ; 
"  I  am  hopin'  that  Uncle  Sam  will  foller  my  advice  and  the 
advice  of  other  wellwishers  of  the  human  race — I  see  signs 
on't" 

"  Well,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  you  have  fursightener  specs  than 
I  have,  if  you  can  see  it." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     321 

And  I  sez,  "  You  lay  your  ear  to  the  ground,  Arvilly,  and 
you'll  hear  the  sound  of  a  great  approachin'  army.  It  is  the 
ranks  of  the  Workers  for  Humanity  with  voice  and  pen,  with 
wealth  and  influence,  the  haters  of  hate,  lovers  of  love,  break 
ers  of  shams  and  cruelties  in  creeds,  political  and  social  life 
and  customs.  Destroyers  of  unjust  laws,  true  helpers  of  the 
poor.  It  is  them  that  try  to  foller  Christ's  mission  and  give 
liberty  to  the  bound,  sight  to  the  blind.  That  great  throng 
is  growin'  larger,  every  hour,  the  stiddy,  stiddy  trom- 
plin'  of  their  feet  sounds  nearer  and  nearer."  And  I  sez  in 
a  rapt  way,  "  Whilst  you  are  listenin'  to  'em,  Arvilly,  listen 
upward  and  you'll  hear  the  sound  of  wings  beatin'  the  air. 
The  faint  music,  not  of  warlike  bugles,  but  the  sweet  song  of 
Peace.  It  comes  nigher,  it  is  the  white  winged  cohort  of 
angels  comin'  down  to  jine  the  workers  for  humanity  and 
lead  'em  to  victory,  and  their  song  is  jest  the  same  they  sung 
when  Christ  the  Reformer  wuz  born,  '  Peace  on  earth,  good 
will  to  men.'  " 

Sez  Miss  Meechim,  "  I  guess  you  hear  the  crowd  on  the 
avenue  going  home,  and  it  is  really  time  to  go ;  it  would  not 
look  genteel  to  stay  longer." 

I  looked  at  her,  and  through  her,  and  smiled  a  deep 
forgivin'  smile  for  I  thought  she  wuz  a  foreigner,  how  could 
she  understand. 


CHAPTER   XXVII 

|N  the  centre  of  the  city  of  Milan  is  an  artificial 
lake  where  the  Milanise  dearly  love  to  go  out 
in  beautiful  pleasure  yots,  and  in  the  winter  it 
serves  for  a  skating  rink.  Milan  is  noted  for  its 
charitable  institutions,  which  owns  property  to 
the  amount  of  forty  or  fifty  millions ;  it  is  a  honor  to  her.  It 
has  flourishing  colleges,  lyceums,  observatories,  gymna 
siums,  famous  libraries,  institutes  and  schools  of  all  kinds, 
and  the  Academy  of  Fine  Arts  is  celebrated  all  over  the 
world.  It  has  a  beautiful  triumphal  arch,  begun  in  1807  and 
finished  in  1838.  They  take  their  own  time,  them  old  Milan 
ise  do,  but  when  their  work  is  done,  it  is  done. 

Josiah  thought  most  probable  they  worked  by  the  day. 
Sez  he,  "  Men  are  most  always  more  shiftless  when  you  pay 
by  the  day." 

It  has  very  fine  public  gardens,  and  one  day  we  went 
to  the  Campo  Santo.  It  is  a  beautiful  spot;  they  say  it  has 
the  finest  sculpture  and  statuary  in  the  world.  We  spent 
some  time  wandering  around,  resting  our  eyes  on  the  beau 
tiful  marble  forms  on  every  side. 

They  wuz  a  quiet  crowd,  too;  jest  as  calm  and  silent  as 
them  they  kep'  watch  over. 

Some  of  the  most  celebrated  pictures  in  the  world  are  to 
be  seen  in  the  picture  galleries  at  Milan,  the  Marriage  of 
Mary  and  Joseph,  by  Raphael,  is  considered  the  most  valua 
ble.  We  went  to  see  the  fresco  of  the  Lord's  Supper,  by 
Leonardo  da  Vinci,  on  the  walls  of  an  old  convent.  But  the 
wall  is  crumbled  and  the  picture  is  faded  and  worn;  besides 
artists  have  tried  to  retouch  it  with  just  about  as  much  suc 
cess  as  Josiah  would  have  if  he  undertook  to  paint  the  sky 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     333 

indigo  blue,  or  Ury  tried  to  improve  a  white  lily  with  a  coat 
of  whitewash.  But  we  loved  to  look  on  it  for  what  it  wuz 
before  Time's  hand  had  laid  so  heavy  on  it  and  artists  had 
tried  to  protect  it. 

We  wuz  in  Milan  over  Sunday  and  so  we  went  to  the 
Cathedral  to  service,  and  agin  I  realized  its  marvellous  beauty 
and  magnitude.  Its  ruff  is  supported  by  fifty-two  columns, 
and  it  has  eight  thousand  life-sized  statutes  inside  and  out 
side,  plenty  enough  for  comfort  even  if  it  wuz  over-fond  of 
statutes. 

The  Lazaretto,  once  used  as  a  plague  hospital,  is  now  used 
as  an  apartment-house  for  the  poor ;  it  has  one  thousand  two- 
roomed  apartments  in  it,  a  city  in  itself. 

Napoleon,  ambitious  creeter!  wuz  crowned  king  of  Italy 
in  Milan.  And  I  guess  old  Charlemaigne  himself  wuz,  'tenny- 
rate  a  good  many  kings  here  had  the  iron  crown  set  on  their 
forwards.  I  d'no  what  made  'em  have  iron  crowns,  though 
Josiah  said  it  would  be  real  handy  sometimes.  He  said  if  a 
king  wuz  in  a  hurry,  and  you  know  they  are  sometimes  in  a 
dretful  hurry  to  be  crowned  before  their  heads  are  took  off, 
it  would  be  real  handy,  for  they  could  take  the  rim  to  a  stove 
griddle,  and  stand  up  some  velvet  pints  on  it  and  it  would  fit 
most  any  head.  He  also  spoke  of  a  coal-scuttle. 

But  I  said  that  I  guessed  they  used  iron  to  show  that 
crowns  are  so  heavy  and  bore  down  on  their  heads  so. 

We  visited  Lake  Como,  Dorothy  specially  wantin'  to  see 
the  palace  of  Carlotta.  Poor,  broken-hearted  Carlotta,  whose 
mind  and  happiness  wuz  destroyed  by  the  shot  that  put  an 
end  to  Maximilian's  brave,  misguided  life. 

Poor  Maximilian!  poor  Carlotta!  victims  of  the  foolish 
ambitions  of  an  empress,  so  they  say.  I  wuz  glad  to  throw 
the  blossom  of  a  pitying  thought  onto  their  memory  as  I 
passed  her  house,  opposite  Belajio,  thinkin'  that  it  wuz  befit- 
tin'  a  American  to  do  so.  Tears  stood  in  Dorothy's  eyes 
as  we  recalled  the  sad  tragedy. 

Lake  Como  deserves  all  that  has  been  said  of  it,  and  more 


324     AROUXD  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

too.  The  slopes  of  the  mountains  are  dotted  with  vineyards, 
hamlets  and  beautiful  villas.  And  we  see  many  little  cabins 
where  the  familys  of  organ-grinders  live.  Mebby  the  wife 
and  children  lived  here  of  some  swarthy  creeter  that  I've  fed 
offen  my  own  back  steps  in  Jonesville  for  grindin'  out  music 
for  the  children. 

It  is  only  a  journey  of  eight  hours  from  Milan  to  Venice, 
and  Verona  is  about  half  way.  And  it  is  almost  like  travellin' 
through  a  mulberry  grove.  The  valley  of  Lombardy  is  a 
silk-producing  country  and  the  diet  of  silkworms  is  mulberry 
leaves  and  the  trees  also  serve  as  handsome  props  to  the 
grape  vines  that  hang  from  tree  to  tree. 

Fur  off,  like  cold,  sad  thoughts  that  will  come  in  warm 
happy  hearts,  we  see  the  snow-capped  mountains,  and  bime 
by  it  grew  so  cold  that  we  wuz  glad  and  grateful  when  we  had 
cans  of  hot  water  handed  to  us  at  the  station. 

Josiah  thought  they  wuz  full  of  hot  coffee  and  proposed 
to  once  that  we  should  take  some  to  meetin'  with  us  in  Jones 
ville  to  warm  our  feet.  Sez  he,  "  How  delightful  it  would  be, 
Samantha,  to  take  a  good  drink  of  hot  coffee  in  meetin'." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  it  would  look  nice  to  be  drinkin'  in  meet- 
in'." 

"  Oh,"  sez  he,  "  I  mean  to  do  it  sly;  I  could  scrooch  down 
and  pretend  to  be  fixin'  my  shues."  But  it  proved  to  be 
nothin'  but  hot  water  in  the  cans,  but  real  comfortable  to  our 
feet.  And  the  mulberry  groves  put  Josiah  in  mind  of  another 
innovation  that  might  be  made  in  Jonesville  ways. 

Sez  he,  "  These  silk  raisers  git  rich  as  mud  and  jest  see  the 
number  of  caterpillars  we  have  to  hum;  they  might  jest  as 
well  be  put  to  work  on  sunthin'  that  will  pay  as  to  be  eatin' 
up  young  squashes  and  cowcumbers  for  us  to  plant  over." 
Sez  he,  "  Their  work  is  worse  than  wasted  on  us." 

Sez  I,  "  These  silkworms  hain't  like  our  caterpillars,  Jo 
siah." 

"  Well,  they  may  make  silk  of  a  different  color,  but  who 
cares  for  that  when  diamond  dyes  are  so  cheap,  and  if  we 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     325 

wanted  red  silk  we  could  try  feedin'  em  on  red  stuff,  beets, 
and  red  russets  and  such.  Why,"  sez  he,  "  with  Ury's  help 
I  could  start  a  caterpillar  bizness  that  would  be  the  makin' 
of  me.  And  oh,  how  I  would  love  to  robe  your  rigger, 
Samantha,  in  silk  from  my  own  caterpillars." 

"  Well,  well,"  sez  I,  "  let's  not  look  ahead  too  much." 
Sez  I,  "  Look  there  up  the  mountain  side  and  see  the  different 
shades  of  green  foliage  and  see  what  pretty  little  houses  that 
are  sot  there  and  see  that  lovely  little  village  down  in  the 
valley." 

So  I  got  his  mind  off.  The  costooms  of  the  peasant  wim- 
men  are  very  pretty,  a  black  bodice  over  a  white  chemise  with 
short  full  sleeves  and  bright  colored  shirts,  and  hat  trimmed 
with  long  gay  ribbons. 

The  men  wear  short,  black  trousers,  open  jackets  and 
gay  sashes,  broad-brimmed  white  hats  with  long  blue  ribbons 
streamin'  down.  Josiah  sez  to  me  admirin'ly,  "  How  such 
a  costoom  would  brighten  up  our  cornfield  if  I  and  Ury  ap 
peared  in  'em." 

Sez  I,  "  Ury  would  git  his  sash  and  hat  ribbons  all  twisted 
up  in  his  hoe  handle  the  first  thing." 

"  They  might  be  looped  up,"  sez  Josiah,  "  with  rosettes." 

We  read  about  travel  bein'  a  great  educator,  and  truly 
I  believe  that  no  tourist  ever  had  any  more  idees  about 
graftin'  foreign  customs  onto  everyday  life  at  home  than 
Josiah  Allen  did.  Now  at  Lake  Como  where  we  see  washer 
women  at  their  work.  They  stood  in  the  water  with  their 
skirts  rolled  up  to  their  knees,  but  they  still  had  on  their 
white  chemisettes  and  black  bodices  laced  over  them  and 
pretty  white  caps  trimmed  with  gay  ribbins. 

And  Josiah  sez,  "  What  a  happy  day  it  would  be  for  me 
and  Ury  if  we  could  see  you  and  Philury  dressed  like  that 
for  the  wash-tub;  it  would  brighten  the  gloom  of  Mondays 
considerable." 

Well,  they  did  look  pretty  and  I  d'no  but  they  could  wash 


326     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81 AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

the  clothes  jest  as  clean  after  they  got  used  to  it,  but  I 
shouldn't  encourage  Philury  to  dress  up  so  wash-days. 

And  it  wuz  jest  so  when  we  see  on  Lake  Como  its  swarm 
of  pleasure  gondolas  glidin'  hither  and  yon  with  the  dark- 
eyed  Italian  ladies  in  bright  colored  costooms  and  black  lace 
mantillys  thrown  over  their  pretty  heads  and  fastened  with 
coral  pins,  and  the  gondoliers  in  gay  attire  keepin'  time  to 
the  oars  with  their  melogious  voices.  Josiah  whispered  to 
me: 

"  What  a  show  it  would  make  in  Jonesville,  Samantha,  to 
see  you  and  me  in  a  gondola  on  the  mill-dam,  I  with  long, 
pale  blue  ribbins  tied  round  my  best  beaver  hat  and  you  with 
Mother  Allen's  long,  black  lace  veil  that  fell  onto  you, 
thrown  graceful  over  your  head,  and  both  of  us  singin' 
'  Balermy  '  or  '  Coronation.'  How  uneek  it  would  be !  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  it  would  be  uneek,  uneeker  than  will  ever 
come  to  pass." 

"  Well,  I  d'no,"  sez  he,  "  Ury  and  me  could  make  a  crackin' 
good  gondola  out  of  the  old  stun  boat,  kinder  hist  it  up  in 
front  and  whittle  out  a  head  on  it  and  a  neck  some  like  an  old 
gander's.  We  could  take  old  High  Horns  for  a  model,  and 
we  could  make  good  oars  out  of  old  fish-poles  and  broom- 
handles,  and  you  own  a  veil,  and  blue  streamers  don't  cost 
much — nothin'  henders  us  from  showin'  off  in  that  way  but 
your  obstinate  sperit." 

But  I  sez,  "  I  shall  never  appear  in  that  panoramy,  never." 

"  Oh,  well,"  sez  he,  gayly,  "  Jonesville  has  other  females 
beside  you,  more  tractable  and  more  genteel.  Most  proba 
ble  Sister  Celestine  Bobbett  and  she  that  wuz  Submit  Tewks- 
berry  would  love  to  float  in  a  gondola  by  the  side  of  one  of 
Jonesville's  leadin'  men." 

I  looked  full  in  his  face  and  sez,  "  Has  foreign  travel 
shook  your  morals  till  they  begin  to  tottle?  Have  I  got  to 
see  a  back-slidden  Josiah  ?  " 

Sez  he,  real  earnest,  "  You  are  the  choice  of  my  youth, 
the  joy  of  my  prime  of  life." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     327 

"  Well,  then,"  sez  I,  "  shet  up !  "  I  wuz  out  of  patience 
with  his  giddy  idees,  and  wouldn't  brook  'em. 

We  laid  out  to  go  from  Milan  to  Genoa  till  we  changed 
our  plans.  I  thought  it  wuzn't  no  more'n  right  that  we 
should  pay  Columbus  that  honor,  for  I  always  wondered,  and 
spoze  always  shall,  what  would  have  become  of  us  if  we  hadn't 
been  discovered.  I  spoze  we  should  have  got  along  some 
way,  but  it  wouldn't  have  been  nigh  so  handy  for  us.  I  pre- 
soom  mebby  Josiah  and  I  would  have  been  warwhoopin' 
and  livin'  in  tepees  and  eatin'  dogs,  though  it  don't  seem 
to  me  that  any  colored  skin  I  might  have  could  have  made 
me  relish  Snip  either  in  a  stew  or  briled.  That  dog  is  most 
human. 

I  always  felt  real  grateful  to  Columbus  and  knowed  he 
hadn't  been  used  as  he  ort  to  be.  And  then  Mother  Smith 
left  me  a  work-bag,  most  new,  made  of  Genoa  velvet,  and 
I  awfully  wanted  to  git  a  little  piece  more  to  put  with  it  so's 
I  could  make  a  bunnet  out  of  it.  But  Dorothy  wanted  to  see 
Verona  and  her  wish  wuz  law  to  the  head  of  our  party,  and 
when  the  head  of  a  procession  turns  down  a  road,  the  rest  of 
the  procession  must  foller  on  in  order  to  look  worth  a  cent. 
Miss  Meechim  said  that  it  wuz  on  her  account  that  he 
favored  Dorothy  so.  But  it  wuzn't  no  such  thing  and  any 
body  could  see  different  if  their  eyes  wuzn't  blinded  with 
self-conceit  and  egotism.  But  take  them  two  together  and 
there  is  no  blinders  equal  to  'em.  They  go  fur  ahead  of  the 
old  mair's,  and  hern  are  made  of  thick  leather. 

Well,  Robert  thought  we  had  better  go  on  to  Venice, 
stopping  at  Verona  on  the  way  and  so  on  to  Naples,  and  then 
on  our  way  back  we  could  stop  at  Genoa,  and  we  all  give  up 
that  it  wuz  the  best  way. 

I  always  liked  the  name  of  Verona.  Miss  Ichabod  Lar- 
muth  named  her  twins  Vernum  and  Verona.  I  thought  it 
would  be  a  real  delicate  attention  to  her  to  stop  there,  spe 
cially  as  we  could  visit  Genoa  afterwards. 

Well,  havin'  such  a  pretty  name  I  felt  that  Verona  would 


328     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

be  a  real  pretty  place,  and  it  wuz.  A  swift  flowing  river  runs 
through  the  town  and  the  view  from  all  sides  is  beautiful. 
The  fur  off  blue  mountains,  the  environin'  hills,  the  green 
valleys  dotted  with  village  and  hamlet,  made  it  a  fair  seen, 
and  "  Jocund  day  stood  tip-toe  on  the  mountain  tops." 

But  to  sweet  Dorothy  and  me,  and  I  guess  to  the  most  of 
us,  it  wuz  interestin'  because  Juliet  Montague,  she  that  wuz 
Juliet  Capulet,  once  lived  here.  I  spoke  on't  to  Josiah,  but  he 
sez: 

"  The  widder  Montague ;  I  don't  remember  her.  Is  she 
any  relation  of  old  Ike  Montague  of  North  Loontown  ?  " 

But  I  sez :  "  She  wuzn't  a  widder  for  any  length  of  time. 
She  died  of  love  and  so  did  her  pardner,  Romeo  Montague." 

"  Well,"  said  Josiah,  "  that  shows  they  wuz  both  sap 
heads.  If  they  had  lived  on  for  a  spell  they  would  got  bravely 
over  that,  and  had  more  good  horse  sense." 

Well,  I  spoze  worldlings  might  mock  at  their  love  and 
their  sad  doings,  but  to  me  the  air  wuz  full  of  romance  and 
sadness  and  the  presence  of  Juliet  and  Romeo. 

The  house  where  she  once  lived  wuz  a  not  over  big  house 
of  brick,  no  bigger  nor  better  than  Bildad  Henzy's  over  in 
Zoar,  and  looked  some  like  it. 

Josiah  said  it  wuz  so  silly  to  poke  clear  over  to  Italy  to 
see  this  little  narrer  house  when  we  could  see  better  ones 
to  home  any  day. 

Miss  Meechim  said  that  it  didn't  look  so  genteel  as  she 
expected,  and  Arvilly  made  a  slightin'  remark  about  it. 

But  Robert  Strong  said  kinder  low,  "  He  laughs  at  scars 
who  never  felt  a  wound."  His  eyes  wuz  on  Dorothy's  sweet 
face  as  he  spoke. 

And  in  her  soft  eyes  as  she  looked  at  him  I  could  almost 
see  the  meanin'  of  Juliet's  vow,  "  To  follow  thee,  my  lord, 
throughout  the  world." 

We  didn't  go  to  Friar  Laurence's  cell  where  Mr.  and 
Miss  Romeo  Montague  wuz  married  and  passed  away,  not 
knowin'  exactly  where  it  wuz,  old  Elder  Laurence  havin' 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     329 

passed  away  some  time  ago,  but  we  did  go  to  the  place  they 
call  her  tomb;  we  rung  a  bell  in  the  iron  gate,  paid  a  little 
fee,  and  was  led  by  the  hired  girl  who  opened  the  gate  to  the 
place  where  they  say  she  is  buried.  But  I  d'no  as  this  is  her 
tomb  or  not ;  I  didn't  seem  to  feel  that  it  wuz,  'tennyrate  the 
tomb  don't  look  much  like  what  her  pa  said  he  would  raise 
above  'em : 

"  A  statue  of  pure  gold ;  that  while  Verona  by  that  name 
is  known,  there  shall  no  figure  at  such  rate  be  set  as  that  of 
true  and  faithful  Juliet."  Josiah  not  havin'  come  up  to  the 
mark  in  the  way  of  sentiment  at  the  house  of  Capulet,  over 
did  the  matter  here;  he  took  out  his  bandanna,  and  after 
flourishing  it  enough  to  draw  everybody's  attention  to  it, 
pressed  it  to  his  eyes  and  sort  o'  sithed. 

But  I  doubted  his  grief,  though  he  made  such  elaborate 
preparations  for  it,  and  I  told  him  so  afterwards.  He  acted 
real  puggicky  and  sez : 

"  Can't  I  ever  please  you,  Samantha?  At  the  widder 
Montague's  Pa's  you  thought  I  wuzn't  sentimental  enough, 
and  I  thought  you  would  be  tickled  enough  to  have  me  shed 
tears  at  her  tomb." 

"  Did  you  shed  tears,  Josiah?  "  sez  I. 

But  he  waved  the  question  off  and  continued,  "  The  guide 
told  me  that  folks  usually  wep'  some  there,  and  I  expected 
you  all  would,  you  are  all  so  romantik  and  took  up  with  the 
widder  Montague  and  her  pardner.  I  took  the  lead,  but 
none  of  you  follered  on." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  if  you  felt  like  weepin',  Josiah,  I  wouldn't 
want  to  break  it  up,  but  to  me  it  looked  fur  more  like  a 
waterin'  trough  than  it  did  like  a  tomb." 

"  Well,  you  know  how  it  is  in  the  older  part  of  the  Jones- 
ville  buryin'-ground,  the  stuns  are  all  tipped  over  anc  broke. 
Mr.  and  Miss  Capulet  have  been  dead  for  some  time  and  prob 
able  the  grave  stuns  have  gone  down." 

Well,  being  kinder  rousted  up  on  the  subject,  I  quoted 
considerable  poetry  about  Romeo  and  Juliet,  and  Josiah  bein' 


330     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

kinder  huffy  and  naterally  hatin'  poetry,  and  real  hungry, 
too,  scorfed  at  and  made  light  on  me.  He  kep'  it  up  till  I 
sez: 

"  William  Shakespeare  said  there  wuz  Two  Gentlemen  of 
Verona,  and  I  should  be  glad,  Josiah  Allen,  to  think  you  made 
the  third  one;  but  a  true  gentleman  wouldn't  make  light  of  his 
pardner  or  slight  her  reminiscences." 

Sez  he :  "  Reminescin'  on  a  empty  stomach  is  deprestin', 
and  don't  set  well." 

Well,  it  had  been  some  time  sence  we  had  eat,  and  Tommy 
wuz  gittin'  hungry,  too,  so  we  returned  to  the  tarven. 

In  the  afternoon  we  went  to  see  the  old  Roman  amphi 
theatre.  It  wuz  probably  built  not  fur  from  A.D.  Jest  think 
on't !  Most  two  thousand  years  old,  and  in  pretty  good  shape 
yet !  It  is  marble,  and  could  accommodate  twenty  thousand 
people.  All  round  and  under  it  is  a  arch,  where  I  spoze 
the  poor  condemned  prisoners  wuz  kep'  and  the  wild  beasts 
that  wuz  to  fight  with  'em  and  kill  'em  for  the  pleasure  of  the 
populace.  Miss  Meechim  got  dretful  worked  up  seein'  it, 
and  she  and  Arvilly  had  words,  comparin'  old  times  and  new, 
and  the  different  wild  beasts  they  encourage  and  let  loose  on 
the  public.  Arvilly's  views,  tinged  and  shadowed  as  they 
always  are,  by  what  she's  went  through,  they  both  got  mad 
as  hens  before  they  got  through. 

There  are  ruins  of  a  large  aqueduct  near,  which  wuz 
flooded  with  water,  I  spoze,  for  acquatic  sports  way  back, 
mebby  back  to  Anna  D,  or  before  her.  Some  say  that  early 
Christians  were  put  to  death  in  this  amphitheatre,  but  it 
hain't  very  clearly  proved. 

Well,  we  only  stayed  one  day  at  Verona,  and  the  next 
day  we  hastened  on  to  Venice. 

Josiah  told  me  that  he  wanted  to  go  to  Venice.  Sez  he : 
"  It  is  a  place  from  what  I  hear  on't  that  has  a  crackin'  good 
water  power  and  that  is  always  the  makin'  of  a  town,  and 
then,"  sez  he,  "  I've  always  wanted  to  see  the  Bridge  of  Size 
and  the  Doggy's  Palace."  Sez  he :  "  W'hen  a  city  is  good 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO SI AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     331 

enough  to  rare  up  such  a  palace  to  dogs  it  shows  there  is 
sunthin'  good  'bout  it,  and  I  dare  presoom  to  say  there  hain't 
a  dog  amongst  'em  any  better  than  Snip  or  one  that  can 
bring  up  the  cows  any  better." 

Josiah  thinks  we've  got  the  cutest  dog  and  cat  in  the 
world.  He  has  spent  hours  trainin'  'em,  and  they'll  both 
start  for  the  cow  paster  jest  the  right  time  and  bring  up  the 
cows;  of  course,  the  cat  can't  do  much  only  tag  along  after 
the  dog;  she  don't  bark  any,  it  not  bein'  her  nater  to,  but  it 
looks  dretful  cunnin'.  Sez  Josiah,  "  I  wouldn't  be  ashamed 
to  show  Snip  off  by  the  side  of  any  of  the  dogs  in  the  Doggy's 
Palace." 

Sez  I,  coldly,  "  How  do  you  spell  dogs,  Josiah  Allen?  " 

"  Why,  dog-es,  doggys." 

Sez  I,  "  The  palace  was  rared  up  by  a  man — a  Doge — the 
Doges  wuz  great  men,  rulers  in  Venice." 

"  I  don't  believe  a  word  on't,"  sez  he.  "  It  is  rared  up 
for  dogs,  and  I'm  thinkin'  quite  a  little  of  rarin'  up  a  small 
house  with  a  steeple  on't  for  Snip.  He  deserves  it." 

Well,  there  wuzn't  no  use  in  argyin' ;  I  knew  he  would 
have  to  give  up  when  he  got  there,  and  so  he  did.  And  it 
wuz  jest  so  with  the  Bridge  of  Sighs,  that  has,  as  Mr.  Byron 
said,  "  A  palace  and  a  prison  on  each  side." 

Josiah  insisted  on't  that  it  wuz  called  the  Bridge  of  Size, 
because  it  wuz  the  most  sizeable  bridge  in  the  world.  But 
it  is  no  such  thing;  it  don't  begin,  as  I  told  him,  with  the 
Brooklyn  Bridge;  why,  it  hain't  no  longer  than  the  bridge 
between  Loontown  and  Zoar,  or  the  one  over  our  creek,  but 
I  presoom  them  who  passed  over  this  bridge  to  execution 
gin  deep,  loud  sithes — it  wuz  nateral  they  should — so  the 
bridge  wuz  named  after  them  sithes. 

Josiah  said  if  that  wuz  fashionable  he  should  name  the 
bridge  down  back  of  the  barn  the  Bridge  of  Groans,  it  wuz 
such  a  tug  for  the  horses  to  draw  a  load  over  it.  Sez  he, 
"  I  almost  always  give  a  groan  and  so  does  Ury — Bridge  of 


332 

Groans."  Sez  he,  "  that  will  sound  uneek  and  genteel  in 
Jonesville." 

But  mebby  he  won't  do  it ;  he  often  makes  plans  he  don't 
carry  out  and  he  gits  things  wrong — he  did  the  very  first 
minute  we  got  there. 

We  arrove  in  Venice  about  the  middle  of  the  afternoon, 
and  as  Robert  had  writ  ahead  for  rooms,  a  man  wuz  waitin' 
with  a  sizeable  gondola  to  take  us  to  our  tarven. 

When  Josiah  see  it  drawin'  nigh  he  sez  to  me,  soty  vosy, 
"  Never,  never,  will  I  ride  in  a  hearse ;  I  wouldn't  in  Jonesville 
and  I  won't  in  Italy;  not  till  my  time  comes,  I  won't." 

But  I  whispered  back  agin  to  keep  still,  it  wuzn't  a  hearse. 
But,  to  tell  the  truth,  it  did  look  some  like  one,  painted  black 
as  a  coal.  But,  seein'  the  rest  of  us  embark,  he,  too,  sot  sail 
in  it.  He  didn't  have  to  go  a  great  ways  before  it  stopped  at 
our  tarven,  which  wuz  once  a  palace,  and  I  kinder  hummed 
to  myself  while  I  wuz  washin'  me  and  puttin'  on  a  clean  collar 
and  cuffs : 

"  'Mid  pleasures  and  palaces  though  we  may  roam," 
puttin'  the  main  emphasis  on  palaces.  But  Josiah  catched 
up  the  refrain  and  sung  it  quite  loud,  or  what  he  calls  singin'  : 

Be  it  ever  so  humbly, 
There's  no  place  like  hum. 

He  looked  round  the  vast,  chilly,  bare  apartment,  the 
lofty  walls,  the  marble  floors,  with  here  and  there  a  rug  layin' 
like  a  leaf  on  a  sidewalk,  and  I  kinder  echoed  it.  Sez  he  feel- 
in'ly  and  sort  of  plaintively,  "  I'd  ruther  have  less  ornaments 
and  more  comfort." 

I  sez,  "  It  is  very  grand  and  spacious." 

And  he  sez,  "  I'd  give  the  hull  of  the  space  and  throw  in 
the  grandeur  for  a  good  big  fire  and  a  plate  of  your  nut 
cakes." 

But  I  sez  soothin'ly,  "  It  is  sunthin',  Josiah,  to  live  in  a 
palace ;  "  and  I  drawed  his  attention  to  the  mosaic  work  on 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     333 

the  floor,  and  the  massive  furniture  covered  with  inlaid  work. 

And  he  sez,  "  I'd  ruther  have  less  work  laid  into  the  fur 
niture  and  some  decent  food  laid  into  my  stomach." 

Oh,  what  a  appetite  that  man  has  got!  It  had  kep' 
active  all  the  way  from  Jonesville  around  the  world  and  wuz 
still  up  and  a-doin'.  Well,  he  can't  help  it.  He  acted  real 
obstrupulous  and  onhappy.  He  has  such  spells  every  little 
while.  I  mistrusted  and  he  just  as  good  as  owned  up  to  me 
that  it  wuz  partly  owin'  to  his  bein'  dressed  up  all  the  time; 
it  wuz  a  dretful  cross  to  him.  He  wears  frocks  to  hum,  round 
doin'  the  barn  chores,  and  loose  shues,  but  now  of  course  he 
had  no  reprieve  from  night  till  mornin'  from  tight  collars  and 
cuffs  and  his  best  shues. 

But  then,  he  had  restless  spells  to  hum  and  onhappy  ones, 
and  acted ;  and  I  told  him  he  did  and  he  disputed  me  right  up 
and  down.  He  didn't  feel  very  well,  anyway;  he  had  told 
me  that  mornin'  early  how  he  pined  for  Jonesville,  how  he 
longed  to  be  there,  and  how  he  didn't  care  for  a  thing  outside 
of  them  beloved  presinks.  And  I  told  him  it  wuzn't  reason 
able.  Sez  I,  "  Enjoy  Jonesville  while  you  are  there  and  now 
enjoy  Europe  whilst  you  are  here." 

Sez  he,  with  a  real  sentimental  look,  "  Oh,  Jonesville,  how 
happy  I'll  be  if  I  ever  see  thee  agin !  How  content,  how 
blessed!" 

Sez  I,  "  You  wuzn't  always  happy  there,  Josiah ;  you  oft- 
times  got  restless  and  oneasy  there." 

"  Never !  "  sez  he,  "  never  did  I  see  a  onhappy  or  a  tired 
day  there  in  my  life." 

But  he  did.  He  got  down-casted  there  jest  as  he  did  here. 
I  knowed  how  often  I  had  soothed  and  comforted  his  sperits 
by  extra  good  meals.  But  he  wouldn't  own  up  to  it,  and 
seein'  he  looked  so  gloomy  and  deprested  I  went  to  work 
and  episoded  some  right  there,  whilst  I  wuz  comin'  my  hair 
and  dressin',  in  hopes  that  it  would  bring  a  more  happy  and 
contented  look  onto  his  liniment,  for  what  will  not  a  devoted 
pardner  do  to  console  her  consort? 


334    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Sez  I,  "  Josiah,  life  is  a  good  deal  like  the  Widder  Rice's 
yarn  I've  heard  Ma  Smith  tell  on.  She  wuzn't  a  smooth  spin 
ner  and  there  would  be  thick  bunches  in  her  yarn  and  thin 
streaks ;  she  called  'em  gouts  and  twits.  She'd  say,  '  Yes,  I 
know  my  yarn  is  full  of  gouts  and  twits,  but  when  it's  doubled 
most  likely  a  gout  will  come  aginst  a  twit  and  make  it  even.'" 

And  I  eppisoded  to  myself  and  to  Josiah,  "  That  is  a  good 
deal  like  life.  The  good  of  this  world  seems  onequally 
divided  some  times,  but  the  rich  has  troubles  and  the  poor 
have  compensations.  The  poor  man  has  to  git  up  early 
and  toil  all  day,  but  if  he  hates  to  leave  his  bed  so  early  morn 
ings,  his  sleep  is  sweet  while  he  rests,  and  his  labor  makes  his 
food  taste  good  and  nourishes  his  strength,  while  the  rich 
man  who  can  lay  till  noon,  turns  on  his  restless  pillow  and 
can't  sleep  night  or  day.  And  while  he  has  plenty  to  buy  rich 
viands  he  has  no  appetite  to  eat  or  health  to  digest  his  food. 

"  The  morning  song  of  the  lark  sounds  sweet  to  the  la 
borer  as  it  rises  over  the  dew-spangled  fields,  as  he  goes  forth 
to  his  daily  toil,  while  the  paid  songs  the  rich  man  hears  palls 
on  his  pleasure-tired  senses.  At  home  you  have  rest  of  body, 
and  in  travel  you  have  education  and  variety;  yes,  the  gouts 
and  twits  in  life  even  up  pretty  well  and  the  yarn  runs  pretty 
smooth  offen  the  reel  of  Time  to  the  traveller  and  the  stay- 
at-home,  the  rich  and  the  poor." 

Josiah  wuz  brushin'  his  back  hair  with  two  brushes  (one 
would  have  been  plenty  enough),  and  he  kep'  on  with  his 
employment  and  sez  without  lookin'  up: 

"  I  wonder  where  the  Widder  Rice's  grandson,  Ezra,  is  ? 
He  wuz  out  to  the  West  the  last  I  hearn  on  him." 

There  it  wuz!  My  eloquence  had  rolled  offen  him  like 
water  from  a  tin  eavespout ;  hadn't  touched  him  at  all  nor  up 
lifted  him,  though  I  felt  real  riz  up.  You  know  you  can  talk 
yourself  up  onto  quite  a  hite  if  you  try;  but  Josiah  wuzn't 
moved  a  mite  from  the  place  he'd  stood  on. 

Well,  that  wuz  one  of  the  gouts  in  my  yarn  of  life,  but 
a  twit  wuz  near  by — it  had  its  compensation.  He  worships 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     335 

me!  And  I  went  on  and  eppisoded  to  myself  to  bring  my 
self  up  to  the  mark  as  I  wadded  up  my  back  hair.  Sez  I  to 
myself :  "  If  Josiah  had  the  eye  to  see  the  onseen  eagles 
soarin'  up  in  the  sky  above  his  head,  mebby  he  would  also  see 
my  faults  too  plain.  If  he  could  hear  in  winter  midnights  the 
murmur  of  dancin'  waters  and  the  melogious  voice  of  the 
south  wind  blowin'  over  roses  and  voyalets,  he  might  also 
hear  the  voice  of  Distrust.  If  he  had  the  wisdom  of  Solomon 
he  might  also  have  his  discursive  fancies,  his  various  and 
evanescent  attachments.  But  as  it  is,  his  love  is  stiddy  and 
as  firm  as  a  rock.  So  the  gouts  and  the  twits  evened  each 
other  up  after  all,  and  the  yarn  run  pretty  smooth." 


CHAPTER    XXVIII 

HE  next  mornin'  Tommy  wuz  delighted  with 
the  idee  of  goin'  in  a  boat  after  some  hair-pins 
for  me  and  a  comb  for  him — he  had  broke 
hisen.  It  wuzn't  fur  we  went,  and  I  spoze  we 
might  have  walked  by  goin'  a  little  furder;  but 
variety  is  the  spice  of  life,  and  it  seemed  to  kinder  refresh  us. 
Floating  in  a  gondola  on  the  Grand  Canal  of  Venice  is  a 
beautiful  experience  when  the  soft  light  of  the  moon  and 
stars  is  restin'  on  the  stately  old  marble  palaces,  the  tall  pillars 
of  St.  Theodore  and  the  Winged  Lion,  obelisk  and  spire. 
With  other  gondolas  all  about  you,  you  seem  to  be  on  a  sea 
of  glory,  with  anon  music  from  afar  coming  sweetly  to  your 
ears  from  some  gondola  or  palace,  and  far  up  some  narrow 
water  street  opens  with  long  shafts  of  light  flashing  from  the 
gondolier's  lantern  or  open  window.  It  is  all  a  seen  of  en 
chantment. 

Though  if  you  should  foller  up  some  of  them  narrow 
water  streets  by  daylight,  you  would  see  and  smell  things 
that  would  roust  you  up  from  your  dream.  You  would  see 
old  boats  unloadin'  vegetables,  taking  on  garbage,  water- 
boats  pumpin'  water  into  some  house,  wine  shops,  cook 
shops;  you  would  see  dilapidated  houses  with  poorly  clad 
people  standin'  in  the  doorways;  ragged,  unkempt  children 
looking  down  on  you  from  broken  windows,  and  about  all 
the  sights  you  see  in  all  the  poorer  streets  of  any  city,  though 
here  you  see  it  from  a  boat  instead  of  from  a  hack  or  trolley 
car.  Green  mould  would  be  seen  clinging  to  the  walls,  and 
you  would  see  things  in  the  water  that  ortn't  to  be  throwed 
there. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     337 

Moonlight  and  memory  rares  up  its  glittering  walls,  but 
reality  and  the  searchin'  life  of  the  present  tears  'em  down. 
Where  are  the  three  thousand  warships,  the  three  thousand 
merchant  ships,  that  carried  the  wealth  and  greatness  of 
Venice  back  in  the  fifteenth  century;  fifty-two  thousand 
sailors,  a  thousand  nobles  and  citizens  and  working  people 
according?  Gone,  gone!  Floated  way  off  out  of  that  Grand 
Canal  and  disappeared  in  the  mists  and  shadows  of  the  past, 
and  you  have  to  go  back  there  to  see  'em. 

The  Rialto,  which  we  had  dremp  about,  looked  beautiful 
from  the  water,  with  its  one  single  arch  of  ninety-one  feet  lift 
ing  up  six  arches  on  each  side.  But  come  to  walk  acrost  its 
broad  space  you  find  it  is  divided  into  narrow  streets,  where 
you  can  buy  anything  from  a  crown  to  a  string  of  beads, 
from  macaroni  to  a  china  teapot. 

The  great  square  of  St.  Mark  wuz  a  pleasant  place  on  an 
evening.  Little  tables  set  out  in  the  street,  with  gayly- 
dressed  people  laughing  and  talking  and  taking  light  re 
freshments  and  listening  to  the  music  of  the  band,  and  a  gay 
crowd  walking  to  and  fro,  and  picturesque  venders  showing 
their  goods. 

But  to  Tommy  nothing  wuz  so  pretty  as  the  doves  of  St. 
Mark,  who  come  down  to  be  fed  at  two  o'clock,  descending 
through  the  blue  sky  like  a  shower  of  snow. 

The  Campanile  or  bell-tower  towers  up  more  than  three 
hundred  feet  above  the  pavement ;  way  up  on  the  tower  two 
bronze  statutes  stand  with  hammers  and  strikes  off  the  hours. 
Why  is  it  that  the  doves  pay  no  attention  to  any  other  hour 
they  may  strike  but  when  the  hour  of  two  sounds  out,  a  win 
dow  on  the  north  side  of  the  square  opens  and  some  grain  is 
thrown  out  to  'em  (the  Government  throws  it  to  'em,  dretful 
good  natered  to  think  on't)  ?  But  how  did  them  doves  know 
two  from  three?  I  d'no  nor  Josiah  don't.  I  had  provided 
Tommy  with  some  food  for  'em  and  they  flowed  down  and 
lighted  on  him  and  Dorothy,  who  also  fed  'em ;  it  wuz  a  pretty 
sight.  And  Robert  Strong  thought  so  too,  I  could  read  it  in 
22 


338     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

his  eyes  as  he  looked  at  Dorothy  with  the  pretty  doves  on  her 
shoulder  and  white  hands. 

I  got  some  sooveneers  for  the  children  at  Venice,  some 
little  ivory  gondolas  and  photographs,  etc.,  and  Miss  Mee- 
chim  and  Dorothy  got  sights  of  things,  Venetian  jewelry, 
handsome  as  could  be,  and  Arvilly  got  a  little  present  for 
Waitstill  and  a  jet  handkerchief  pin  for  herself.  She  mourns 
yet  on  the  inside  and  outside,  yes,  indeed !  and  I  d'no  but  she 
always  will. 

And  as  you  can  git  a  relic  of  most  everything  at  some  of 
the  shops  I  told  Josiah  I  would  love  to  git  hold  of  one  of  them 
old  rings  that  the  Doges  married  the  Adriatic  with.  And  if 
you'll  believe  it  that  man  didn't  like  it ;  sez  he  real  puggicky : 

"  I  hope  you  hain't  any  idee  of  marryin'  the  Jonesville 
creek,  Samantha,  because  it  won't  look  well  in  a  M.  E.  sister 
and  pardner." 

Jealous  of  the  creek !  That's  the  last  thing  I  ever  thought 
that  man  would  be  jealous  on.  The  idee!  I  only  wanted  it 
out  of  curiosity. 

We  visited  the  Arsenal,  another  spot  where  the  greatness 
of  Venice  in  the  past  hanted  our  memory,  when  she  had 
twenty  thousand  workmen  there  and  now  not  two  thousand. 
But  we  see  queer  lookin'  things  there — suits  of  armor,  cross 
bows,  helmets.  Josiah  took  quite  a  fancy  to  one  wore  by 
Attila,  king  of  the  Huns,  and  wanted  to  put  it  on.  Good  land ! 
his  head  went  right  up  into  it  just  as  it  would  into  a  big  coal 
scuttle.  What  a  mind  Mr.  Attila  must  have  had  if  his  brains 
wuz  accordin'  to  his  head. 

And  we  see  infernal  machines,  thumb  screws,  spiked  col 
lars,  and  other  dretful  implements  of  torture  like  black  shad- 
ders  throwed  from  the  past.  A  piece  of  the  boat  that  the 
Doge  went  to  his  weddin'  in  when  he  married  the  water  wuz 
interestin' ;  weddin's  always  did  interest  females  and  males 
too,  no  matter  whether  the  bride  wuz  formed  out  of  dust  or 
nothin'  but  clear  water,  and  we  also  see  a  model  of  the  boat 
Columbus  sailed  in  to  discover  us. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     339 

Robert  Strong  who  wuz  always  interested  in  the  best 
things,  said  that  the  first  newspaper  ever  published  appeared 
in  Venice  three  hundred  years  ago,  and  the  first  bank  was 
started  there. 

You  can  walk  all  over  Venice  if  you  want  to  take  the  time 
to  go  furder  round  and  cross  the  bridges  and  walk  through 
narrer,  crooked  little  streets,  some  on  'em  not  more'n  five 
or  six  feet  wide,  but  the  easiest  and  quickest  way  is  to  take  a 
boat,  as  well  as  the  most  agreeable. 

Venice  is  built  on  seventy-two  islands  besides  the  Grand 
Canal  which  takes  the  place  of  our  avenues  and  streets. 
There  is  a  charm  about  Venice  that  there  is  not  about  any 
other  city  I  ever  sec.  You  dream  about  it  before  you  see  it 
and  then  you  dream  on  and  keep  dreamin'  as  long  as  you  stay 
there,  a  sort  of  a  wakin'  dream,  though  you  keep  your  senses. 

Memories  of  the  past  seem  to  hant  you  more,  mebby  it  is 
because  them  old  memories  can  slip  along  easier  over  them 
glassy  streets,  easier  than  they  can  over  our  hard  rocky  pave 
ments.  'Tennyrate  they  meet  you  on  every  side  and  stay 
right  with  you  as  long  as  you  are  there  and  hant  you.  As  you 
float  down  them  liquid  roads  you  seen  face  to  face  sweet, 
wise  Portia,  "fair  and  fairer  than  that  word;"  and  gallant 
Bassanio  who  made  such  a  wise  choice,  and  Shylock,  the 
old  Jew.  And  if  you  happen  to  git  put  out  with  your  pardner, 
mebby  he'll  find  fault  with  you,  and  say  demeanin'  words 
about  wimmen  or  sunthin'  like  that,  whilst  sweet  Portia's  eyes 
are  on  you,  if  you  feel  like  reprovin'  him  sharp,  then  you'll 
remember :  "  The  quality  of  mercy  is  not  strained,  it  drop- 
peth  like  the  gentle  rain  from  heaven,  it  blesseth  him  that 
gives  and  him  that  takes." 

And  so  you  forgive  him.  And  then  beautiful,  sad  Beatrice 
de  Cenci  will  meet  you  by  moonlight  in  front  of  some  of  them 
old  marble  palaces  and  her  pa,  about  as  mean  a  man  as  they 
make,  and  his  sister,  Lucretia  de  Borgia,  that  wicked,  wicked 
creeter.  Why,  it  beats  all  what  mean  folks  Beatrice's  rela 
tion  wuz  on  her  pa's  side. 


340     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE 

And  you  thought  of  any  number  of  queer  old  Doges, 
rainin'  and  pizenin'  and  actin',  some  on  'em,  and  marryin'  the 
Adriatic;  a  poor  match  in  my  opinion  and  one  that  you 
couldn't  expect  to  turn  out  well,  the  bride  bein'  slippery  and 
inconstant  and  the  bridegroom  mean  as  pusley,  cruel  and  cun 
ning,  besides  bein'  jest  devoted  to  the  Council  of  Ten.  Queer 
works  them  Ten — made  and  cut  a  great  swath  that  won't  be 
forgot  and  they  needn't  expect  it.  The  page  of  history  is 
sticky  and  bloody  with  their  doin's.  But  they  move  along  in 
front  of  you,  the  Doges,  the  Ten  and  the  Three.  And  any 
number  of  conquerors  and  any  number  of  Popes  and  Kings 
down  to  Victor  Emanuel. 

And  I  d'no  as  I  thought  of  anybody  or  anything  there  in 
Venice  so  much  as  I  did  of  John  Ruskin,  who  give  even  the 
stuns  of  Venice  a  language  that  will  go  on  speakin'  long 
after  the  stuns  have  mouldered  back  into  dust.  And  then  the 
dust  will  keep  his  memory  green,  and  folks  will  ponder  the 
"  Ethics  of  the  Dust  "  long  after  that  dust  has  passed  into 
other  changing  forms  and  disappeared. 

Great  mind,  great  lovin'  heart,  who  had  but  one  thought, 
to  make  the  world  more  full  of  beauty,  knowledge,  sincerity 
and  goodness.  His  pure,  bright  intellect,  his  life  white  as  the 
lilies,  his  living  thoughts  and  noble  idees  they  rap  at  the 
human  heart,  as  well  as  mind,  with  their  powerful  sesame,  and 
you  have  to  open  your  heart's  door  and  take  them  in. 
Prophet  of  earth  and  heaven,  the  air^  the  clouds,  the  birds  and 
trees,  the  rocks  and  waters,  translatin'  the  marvellous  words 
so  our  duller  eyes  and  ears  can  see  and  hear. 

As  I  walked  along  over  them  stones  of  Venice,  and  in  the 
Galleries  of  Modern  Painters  and  ancient  ones,  my  heart  kep' 
sayin'  onbeknown  to  myself  and  them  round  me,  "  John  Rus 
kin,  noble  soul,  great  teacher,  childlike,  wise  interpreter  of 
the  beauty  and  ministry  of  common  things,  hail  and  fare 
well  !  "  For  he  had  gone — it  wuz  true  that  he  who  had  loved 
the  flowers  so  and  said  to  a  friend  who  had  sent  him  some: 
"  I  am  trying  to  find  out  if  there  are  flowers  that  do  not 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     341 

fade."  He  had  found  out  now,  wreathes  of  heavenly  immor 
telles  are  laid  on  his  tired  forward,  not  tired  now,  and  he 
has  his  chance  to  talk  to  Moses  and  Plato,  as  he  said  he 
wanted  to,  and  he  is  satisfied.  Love  and  Sympathy  that  he 
longed  for  comforts  and  consoles  him,  and  Beauty  and 
Goodness  wait  on  him. 

Robert  Strong  felt  just  as  I  did  about  Ruskin,  their  idees 
about  helpin'  the  poor,  and  the  brotherhood  of  man,  and 
fatherhood  of  God,  wuz  as  congenial  and  blent  together  like 
sun  and  dew  on  a  May  morning.  Robert  Strong  said  no 
other  writer  had  done  him  the  good  Ruskin  had. 

And  I  guess  Dorothy  thought  so  too;  she  almost  always 
thought  jest  as  Robert  did. 

In  wanderin'  round  this  uneek  city  Josiah  said  the  most 
he  thought  on  wuz  of  tellin'  Deacon  Henzy  and  Uncle  Sime 
Bentley  about  what  he  see  there.  And  shadowy  idees  seemed 
to  fill  his  mind  about  tryin'  to  turn  the  Jonesville  creek 
through  the  streets  and  goin'  from  our  house  to  Thomas 
Jefferson's  in  a  gondola. 

Arvilly  said  she  would  gin  anything  to  canvas  some  of 
them  old  Doges  for  the  "  Twin  Crimes."  But  I  told  her  I 
guessed  they  didn't  need  to  learn  anything  about  crime,  and 
she  gin  up  they  didn't. 

The  first  thing  Miss  Meechim  wanted  to  see  wuz  the 
church  of  St.  Mark,  so  we  all  set  off  one  day  to  see  it.  San 
Marco,  as  they  call  it,  is  one  of  the  most  interestin'  churches 
to  visitors  on  the  Continent.  It  wuz  begun  way  back  in  the 
tenth  century,  and  it  has  been  in  process  of  building  ever 
since,  and  I  don't  know  how  long  they  lay  out  to  keep  at 
it.  They  have  spent  thirty  millions  on  it,  so  I  hearn,  and 
the  news  come  pretty  straight  to  me,  and  I  d'no  but  they'll 
spend  as  much  agin  before  they  git  through.  But  when 
you  see  all  its  magnificent  sculpture,  columns,  statutes,  mo 
saic  work,  ornaments  of  every  kind,  its  grand  arches,  its 
five  domes  and  spires  and  all  the  exquisite  work  on  it  I  d'no 
as  I'd  took  the  job  for  any  less,  and  so  I  told  Josiah. 


342     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

But  he  kep'  up  his  old  idee  he  had  voiced  in  many  a  sim 
ilar  spot,  that  it  wuz  done  by  day's  works  and  the  workmen 
didn't  hurry,  and  that  it  would  have  been  cheaper  to  had  it 
done  by  the  job.  But  how  could  they,  dribblin'  along  as 
they  did  ten  hunderd  years? 

The  four  horses  over  the  main  entrance  are  very  noted. 
They  are  said  to  have  been  carved  way,  way  back  by  Augus 
tus  to  celebrate  a  triumph  over  Antony  and  to  have  passed 
through  the  hands  of  Nero,  Constantine  and  Napoleon. 
Napoleon,  a  greedy  creeter  always,  took  'em  to  Paris,  but 
had  to  bring  'em  back. 

For  horses  that  are  so  old  and  have  been  driv  round  and 
showed  off  by  so  many  conquerors,  they  look  pretty  sound 
and  hearty.  But  Josiah  didn't  like  their  looks  nigh  so  well 
as  he  duz  the  mair's,  and  sez  he,  "  That  off  one  looks  balky." 

But  I  sez,  "  Distance  lends  enchantment ;  the  mair  can't 
begin  with  'em." 

The  altar  piece  is  said  to  have  cost  three  million.  It  is 
of  gold  and  silver,  and  full  of  precious  stuns.  It  was  made 
in  Constantinople  a  thousand  years  ago,  and  has  got  inscrip 
tions  on  it  that  I  presoom  read  well  if  anybody  could 
read  'em.  But  I  couldn't  nor  Josiah.  But  Robert  Strong 
read  some  on  'em  to  Dorothy,  for  I  heard  him.  They  are 
writ  in  Latin  and  Greek. 

When  we  got  back  to  the  tarven  that  night  we  found  a 
hull  pile  of  letters  from  Jonesville,  and  amongst  the  rest  I 
got  a  letter  from  Elder  Minkley,  good  old  man  of  God,  and 
Arvilly  got  one  too ;  he  sets  store  by  Arvilly  now,  he  and  his 
wife  duz,  and  they  pity  her  dretfully  for  what  she  has  went 
through,  and  make  allowances  for  her  hashness,  but  never 
shall  I  forgit  the  way  she  talked  to  him  right  in  my  own 
settin'  room  when  she  first  come  home  from  Cuba  after  her 
husband  had  been  murdered  by  the  licensed  Canteen. 

She  come  to  our  'house  one  day,  and  Elder  Minkley, 
good  old  soul,  come  in  just  after  she  did  for  a  all-day's  visit, 
poor  creeter !  I  guess  he  wuz  sorry  enough  he  come,  some 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     343 

of  the  time ;  I  guess  he  wished  he  wuz  back  in  his  study  per- 
usin'  the  book  of  martyrs  or  anything  else  deprestin',  and 
would  have  thought  'em  fur  livelier  than  what  he  got  into. 

The  way  on't  wuz,  Arvilly  had  met  Miss  Deacon  Sypher 
at  the  gate  and  she  bein'  dretful  onfaculized  with  no  more 
tact  than  a  settin'  hen,  had  tackled  Arvilly  for  a  contribution 
to  buy  a  flag  to  send  to  our  boys  in  Cuba,  and  talked  enthu 
siastic  about  the  war's  holy  mission.  And  I  spoze  Sister 
Sypher  wuz  skairt  almost  into  fits  to  hear  Arvilly  go  on, 
'tennyrate  she  left  her  sudden  and  to  once,  and  started  home 
'cross  lots  almost  on  the  run,  and  Arvilly  come  into  the 
house  talkin'  and  mutterin'. 

"  Drusilly  Sypher  knows  a  sight  about  it ;  our  army  gone 
to  redress  wrongs  and  protect  innocence !  they  better  look  to 
home  and  redress  wrongs  here ;  half  the  citizens  of  this  coun 
try  in  legal  bondage,  and  the  hull  country  cowering  under 
a  crime  and  danger  protected  and  legalized ;  if  I  didn't  want 
to  make  myself  a  mark  for  demon  laughter  I'd  quit  such 
talk  till  I  repented  my  sins  in  sackcloth  and  ashes." 

"  Well,  well,  Arvilly,  set  down,  set  down,"  sez  I,  for  she 
wuz  rampagin'  round  the  room  back  and  forth,  "  set  down, 
and  here,"  sez  I,  handin'  her  a  bottle,  "  smell  of  the  cam- 
fire,  Arvilly,  you  look  bad,"  and  she  did  look  frightful  bad, 
pale  and  fiery,  and  burnin'  mad  at  sunthin'  or  somebody. 

But  she  waived  it  off  with  scorn :  "  Camfire  can't  heal 
the  smart,  or  sweeten  the  air  of  the  country ;  no,  it  needs  fire 
from  on  high  to  burn  it  out.  And  it  will  come,"  sez  she,  "  it 
will  come." 

Why,  she  acted  real  wild  and  by  the  side  of  herself,  and 
I  pitied  her  like  a  dog,  and  wuz  at  my  wit's  end  what  to  say 
to  her,  and  I  wuz  glad  enough  to  see  Elder  Minkley,  good 
old  saint,  comin'  up  the  steps  and  I  went  to  open  the  door 
with  alacrity  and  my  left  hand,  my  right  hand  wuz  in  the 
dough,  I  wuz  makin'  fried  cakes,  and  I  shook  hands  with 
him  the  same,  and  I  sez: 


344     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEY'S  WIFE 

"  How  glad  I  am  to  see  you  this  morning,  Brother  Mink- 
ley,"  little  thinkin'  what  wuz  to  come. 

He  took  off  his  hat  and  overcoat  and  hung  'em  up  in  the 
hall  and  looked  in  the  glass  in  the  hall  rack  with  his  mild, 
benevolent  eyes,  and  brushed  his  thin,  gray  hair  up  on  the 
bald  spot  over  his  benign  forward,  and  follered  me  into  the 
settin'  room,  and  I  sez,  "  Here  is  she  that  wuz  sister  Arvilly 
Lanfear." 

And  the  good  old  soul  advanced  with  a  warm,  meller 
smile  on  his  face,  and  sez: 

"  How  do  you  do,  Sister  Arvilly." 

But  Arvilly's  eyes  snapped  worse  than  ever;  she  never 
noticed  his  outstretched  hand,  and  she  sez,  "  Don't  you  sis 
ter  me." 

"  Why!  why !  "  sez  he,  "  what  is  the  matter?  "  His  wel- 
comin'  hand  dropped  weakly  by  his  side,  and  bein'  dretful 
confused  and  by  the  side  of  himself,  he  sez: 

"  I  hain't  seen  you  before  sence  you — you " 

"  Deserted  from  the  army,"  sez  she,  finishin'  the  sen 
tence  for  him.  "  Yes,  I  deserted,  I  am  proud  to  say ;  I  never 
had  a  right  before  under  this  nation's  laws  and  I  took  that 
right;  I  deserted  and  they  couldn't  help  themselves;  mebby 
them  men  see  how  it  would  feel  to  grin  and  bear  for  once, 
just  as  wimmen  have  to  all  the  time." 

Brother  Minkley  had  by  this  time  begun  to  find  and  re 
cover  himself,  and  he  sez  with  real  good  nature,  "  I  meant 
to  say,  dear  sister,  that  I  hadn't  seen  you  before  since  you 
lost  your  husband." 

"  Since  you  murdered  him,"  sez  she. 

"I — I  murder  a  man?"  He  looked  pale  and  trembled 
like  a  popple  leaf. 

"  Yes,  you  and  all  other  good  men  who  stood  by  like 
Pilate,  consentin'  to  his  death,"  Arvilly  went  on. 

Elder  Minkley  looked  too  dazed  and  agitated  to  speak, 
and  Arvilly  continued :  "  Do  you  pretend  to  say,  Elder 
Minkley,  that  there  is  an  evil  law  on  the  face  of  the  earth 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     345 

that  the  Church  of  Christ  couldn't  overthrow  if  it  chose  to 
do  so?" 

He  sez,  "  The  power  of  the  Church  is  great,  Sister 
Arvilly,  but  no-license  laws  don't  stop  drinking;  liquor  is 
sold  somehow;  folks  that  want  it  will  get  it." 

"  What  a  argument ! "  sez  Arvilly,  liftin'  her  eyes  to 
heaven.  "  But  you  hain't  answered  my  question,"  sez  she, 
short  as  pie  crust,  mince  pie  crust,  "  Is  there  an  evil  law  exist 
ing  to-day  that  the  Church  of  Christ  could  not  overthrow 
if  it  tried  to?" 

"  Well,  no,"  he  admitted,  "  I  believe  that  the  Church  of 
Christ  is  invincible." 

"  Do  you  vote,  Elder  Minkley?  " 

"  Well,  no,  as  it  were,  Sister  Arvilly,  I  have  felt  for  years 
that  politics  was  too  vile  for  me  to  mix  myself  with." 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  Do  you  believe  in  following  the  Lord  Jesus 
Christ?" 

Sez  Elder  Minkley,  his  good  natured  face  lighting  up, 
"  My  Divine  Master;  yes,  I  will  follow  him  to  the  stake,  to 
the  death,  if  need  be." 

"Did  he  turn  away  from  sinners  and  the  evils  of  the  sin 
ful  world  and  say  they  wuz  too  vile  for  him  to  mix  with  ?" 

"  I — I — Sister  Arvilly — I  why — I  don't  know  what  you 
mean." 

"  Yes,  you  do  know  what  I  mean ! "  sez  the  intrepid  but 
agonized  Arvilly. 

"  By  your  criminal  indifference  and  neglect,  you  encour 
age  the  evil  power  that  rules  and  ruins." 

Elder  Minkley's  face  began  to  look  red — red  as  blood — 
and  sez  he,  "  You  present  the  subject  in  a  way  I  never 
thought  on  before,  Sister  Arvilly.  I  will  think  of  it;  I  will 
pray  over  it." 

"  Will  you  vote  as  you  pray?  "  sez  Arvilly  anxiously. 

"  I  will !  "  sez  Elder  Minkley,  solemnly,  "  I  will !  "  ' 

Arvilly  come  forward  and  took  holt  of  his  hand.  Her 
stern  mean  softened;  there  wuz  tears  in  her  keen  eyes;  she 


346     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

looked  different.  Sez  she,  "  Next  Sunday  I  shall  set  under 
your  preachin',  Elder;  I  hain't  felt  like  settin'  under  it 
before."  And,  sure  enough,  she  did  go  to  meetin'  the  next 
Sunday  and  from  that  day  they  have  been  the  best  of 
friends. 

But  to  resoom  forwards:  I  had  a  letter  from  Philury, 
she  said  she  wuz  all  well. 

It  wuz  a  letter  that  brought  me  some  comfort  and  quite 
a  lot  of  care;  it  wuz  some  like  a  peppermint  lozenge,  con 
siderably  sweet  with  a  sharp  tang  to  it,  makin'  me  think  of 
the  sweetness  and  repose  of  home  with  its  accompaniment 
of  anxiety  and  labor. 

The  children  writ  real  good  letters  to  their  pa  and  me, 
full  of  affection  and  thoughtfulness.  Thomas  J.  told  us  con 
siderable  about  the  Help  Union  and  the  good  that  Ernest 
White  and  his  helpers  wuz  accomplishing  in  Loontown  and 
Jonesville.  And  Tirzah  Ann  wanted  to  know  if  reveres  had 
gone  out  and  hoops  comin'  in;  she  had  hearn  so  and  felt 
anxious.  There  had  been  a  rumor  in  Jonesville  to  that 
effect,  but  she  couldn't  place  full  dependence  on  it. 

Thomas  J.'s  and  Maggie's  letters  wuz  full  of  gratefulness 
for  Tommy's  restored  health  and  what  I'd  done  for  him. 
No  matter  what  else  they  said  that  idee  wuz  runnin'  along 
under  the  rest  of  their  thoughts,  some  like  the  accompani 
ment  of  a  melodean  to  a  sam  tune  in  meetin'.  And  Tommy 
himself  had  letters  from  his  pa  and  ma  full  of  love  and  good 
advice,  about  half  and  half. 

One  of  the  most  interestin'  places  in  Venice  is  the  Doges 
Palace,  and  I  spoze  Josiah  never  gin  up  his  idee  about  it 
until  we  stood  right  in  front  of  it.  But  when  he  see  that 
marble  front,  full  of  noble  columns,  elaborate  carvin',  arches, 
balustrades  and  base  reliefs,  he  had  to  gin  up  such  a  place 
as  that  wuz  never  rared  up  to  a  dog  or  to  any  number  on  'em, 
though  he  said  when  I  convinced  him  of  his  mistake :  "  Snip 
wuz  too  good  to  mingle  with  'em,  he  was  likelier  than  any 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     347 

Doge  that  ever  lived  there,  no  matter  whether  you  spelt 
'em  dog  or  doge." 

And  I  sez  soothin'ly :  "  Like  as  not  and  'tennyrate  how 
I  would  love  to  hear  Snip  bark  out  a  welcome  to  us  once 
more." 

"  Yes,"  sez  Josiah,  "  it  will  be  the  happiest  hour  of  my 
life  when  I  behold  Snip  and  the  cat  and  the  children  and 
grandchildren  and  the  rest  of  the  Jonesvillians  once  more." 

Here  in  the  marble  pavement  are  two  great  bronze  cis 
terns  elegantly  sculptured,  and  you  can  look  up  the  Grand 
Staircase  with  two  statutes  at  the  top  on  either  side,  Neptune 
and  Mars ;  and  that  wuz  the  place  where  the  old  Doges  wuz 
crowned. 

On  the  staircase  on  each  side  are  beautiful  statutes  and 
columns,  elaborate  carving  and  richly  colored  marbles.  The 
Hall  of  the  Great  Council  is  one  hundred  and  seventy-five 
feet  long  and  most  a  hundred  in  width,  broad  enough  and 
high  enough  to  entertain  broader  and  nobler  views  than  wuz 
promulgated  there.  But  it  contains  costly  and  beautiful 
pictures ;  one  by  Tintoretto  is  eighty-four  feet  wide  and  most 
forty  feet  high,  the  largest  picture  on  canvas  in  the  world 
so  I've  hearn,  and  others  by  Paul  Veronese  and  the  other 
great  masters. 

All  round  the  wall,  like  a  border  in  a  Jonesville  parlor, 
are  the  portraits  of  the  Doges  of  Venice  in  their  red  robes 
and  round-topped  caps.  But  where  Marino  Faliero  should 
have  hung  wuz  a  black  curtain.  Well,  he  wuz  a  mean  cree- 
ter;  it  is  a  good  thing  he  can  be  shut  out  with  a  curtain. 
Josiah  said  he  thought  it  would  be  a  crackin'  good  plan  to 
have  a  black  curtain  hung  before  the  pictures  of  some  of  our 
public  men,  but  Arvilly  said,  in  a  real  dry  tone,  that  "  If  we 
begun  that  it  would  bring  up  the  price  of  black  cloth  enor 
mously." 

She  mourns  yet  quite  a  good  deal  in  her  best  dresses,  and 
looked  ahead,  and  didn't  want  the  price  of  crape  and  bom 
bazine  riz. 


348     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEYS  WIFE 

Among  the  pictures  of  these  old  Doges  wuz  one  who  led 
the  army  in  an  attack  on  Constantinople  at  the  age  of  ninety- 
seven,  when  most  old  men  are  bedrid  with  a  soap-stun  and 
water  gruel.  And  Francesco*  Foscari,  who  worked  nobly 
for  thirty-five  years  and  wuz  then  abused  shameful  by  the 
Ten  and  turned  out  of  office. 

Them  old  Doges  had  their  ups  and  downs;  riz  up  to 
power,  throwed  down  agin.  Mean  as  the  Old  Harry,  some 
on  'em,  and  some  workin'  well  for  the  public.  And  some 
after  servin'  the  public  for  years  wuz  banished,  some  be 
headed,  some  had  their  eyes  put  out,  one  died  of  vexation, 
one  who  wuz  deposed  died  when  the  bell  rung  in  his  suc 
cessor.  A  few  died  in  battle,  but  only  a  few  on  'em  passed 
away  in  their  beds  after  a  lingerin'  and  honorable  sickness 
with  their  one  wife  and  children  weepin'  about  'em. 

You  can  see  the  open  place  in  the  wall  where  the  written 
complaints  wuz  put  aginst  somebody  or  anybody,  guilty  or 
innocent,  and  wuz  pretty  sure  to  be  acted  upon  by  the  dretful 
Ten  settin'  there  in  their  black  robes  and  black  masks,  fit 
color  for  their  dark  and  cruel  deeds. 

We  went  down  to  see  the  dungeons,  dark,  cramped,  filthy 
holes  in  the  solid  wall:  only  a  little  light  sifted  in  from  the 
corridor  through  a  narrow  slit.  It  seemed  as  if  them  places 
wuz  so  awful  we  couldn't  bear  to  look  at  'em.  But  we  went 
down  into  still  deeper  dungeons  way  below  the  canal,  dret 
ful  places  where  you  can't  hardly  draw  a  breath.  We  see 
dim  traces  of  writings  on  the  walls  some  wretched  prisoner 
waitin'  for  death  had  writ  there.  How  did  he  feel  when 
he  writ  it?  I  didn't  want  to  know,  nor  have  Josiah  know. 

We  didn't  make  a  very  long  stay  in  Venice,  but  jour 
neyed  on  to  Florence — Florence  the  beautiful.  It  lays  in  a 
quiet,  sheltered  valley  with  the  Apennine  Mountains  risin' 
about  it  as  if  to  keep  off  danger.  The  river  Arno  runs 
through  it,  spanned  by  handsome  bridges.  The  old  wall 
that  used  to  surround  it  with  its  eight  gates,  has  been  de 
stroyed  some  years  ago. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     349 

As  I  say,  it  is  a  beautiful  city,  although  it  wuz  more  grand 
and  populous  when  it  wuz  the  capital  of  Italy.  Dorothy 
said  it  was  well  named  the  City  of  Flowers,  for  there  wuz 
flowers  everywhere,  the  markets  full  of  'em,  flower  girls  at 
every  turn,  balconies  and  windows  overrunning  with  them, 
public  gardens  and  private  gardens  sweet  with  their  bright 
ness  and  perfume. 


CHAPTER    XXIX 

HE  next  morning  after  we  arrived  at  Florence 
we  sallied  out  sightseeing.  We  all  went  out 
together,  but  separated  after  a  while,  promis 
ing  to  meet  at  luncheon  time  at  our  tarven, 
but  we  all  went  together  as  fur  as  the  Cathe 
dral.  It  is  a  noble  buildin',  covered  with  red,  white  and 
black  marble,  elegantly  ornamented  with  panels  and  sculp 
ture.  And  the  hull  meetin'-house  is  so  beautiful,  that  it  wuz 
remarked  that  "  it  ort  to  be  kep'  in  a  glass  case." 

Inside,  the  ceiling  is  one  hundred  and  thirty-five  feet 
high — good  land !  I  told  Josiah  I  wuz  glad  I  did  not  have  to 
whitewash  or  paper  it  overhead,  for  it  'most  killed  us  Meth 
odist  Episcopal  sisters  to  paper  our  meetin'-house  ceilin' 
which  wuz  only  twenty  feet  high,  and  put  a  hundred  and 
fifteen  feet  on  top  of  that  and  where  would  we  be,  we  never 
could  done  it  in  the  world.  The  interior  is  full  of  statutes 
and  pictures  by  Michael  Angelo  and  other  great  sculptors 
and  famous  painters. 

The  Campanile  or  bell  tower  near  it  is  most  three  hun 
dred  feet  high,  and  a  beautiful  view  is  to  be  seen  from  the 
top  way  off  onto  the  fur-off  mountains,  the  city  and  the  val 
ley  of  the  Arno,  or  that  is  I  hearn  so;  I  didn't  climb  up 
myself  to  see,  bein'  more'n  willin'  to  take  Dorothy's  word 
and  Robert  Strong's  to  that  effect. 

The  bronze  doors  in  the  Baptistry  are  a  sight  to  see. 
Michael  Angelo  said  they  wuz  worthy  to  be  the  gates  of 
paradise,  but  I  could  tell  Mr.  Angelo,  and  would  if  he  had 
said  it  to  me,  that  he  little  knew  how  beautiful  them  gates 
are  and  we  ortn't  to  compare  anything  earthly  to  'em.  Jest 
think,  Mr.  Angelo,  I'd  say,  of  an  immense  gate  being  made 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     351 

of  one  pearl,  the  idee!  we  can't  hardly  git  into  our  heads 
any  idees  here  below,  and  never  will  till  the  winds  of  heaven 
blow  aginst  our  tired  senses  and  brighten  'em  up. 

But  I  wuzn't  neighbor  to  Mr.  Angelo;  he  died  several 
years  before  I  wuz  born,  four  or  five  hundred  years  before, 
so  of  course  I  couldn't  advise  him  for  his  good.  He  lost  a 
sight  and  never  knowed  it,  poor  creeter! 

The  Ufizzi  and  Pitti  galleries  contain  enough  pictures 
and  statutes  to  make  'em  more'n  comfortable,  I  should  think ; 
beautiful  pictures  and  beautiful  statutes  I  must  say.  One  of 
the  most  interestin'  things  to  me  in  the  hull  collection  wuz 
the  original  drawings  of  the  old  masters  with  their  names 
signed  to  'em  in  their  own  handwritin'.  It  wuz  like  liftin' 
up  the  mysterious  curtain  a  little  ways  and  peerin'  into  the 
past.  Michael  Angelo's  sketches  in  chalk  and  charcoal ; 
Titian's  drawings,  little  buds,  as  you  may  say  from  which 
they  bloomed  into  immortal  beauty;  Rubens,  Albert  Durer 
and  a  throng  of  others.  And  then  there  wuz  the  autograph 
portraits  of  the  great  painters,  Guido,  Rembrandt,  De  Vinci, 
Vandyke,  Raphael,  and  also  the  greatest  works  of  all  these 
painters.  It  wuz  a  grand  and  inspirin'  sight  never  to  be  for 
got.  Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  wanted  to  see  the,  statute 
of  Dante;  they  set  store  by  his  writings.  It  is  a  splendid 
statute  of  white  marble  riz  up  in  the  Piazza  Sante  Croce;  I 
hearn  'em  talkin'  about  its  bein'  on  a  piazza,  and  spozed  it 
wuz  built  on  some  stoop  and  mistrusted  he  deserved  a  better 
pillow. 

But  it  wuzn't  on  the  piazza  of  a  house,  it  wuz  out-doors, 
and  the  pedestal  wuz  over  twenty  feet  high,  all  covered  with 
carvin's  of  seens  took  from  his  "  Divinia  Commedia,"  and 
some  lions,  and  the  arms  of  Italy,  and  things.  It  wuz  a  good- 
lookin'  statute,  better  lookin'  as  fur  as  beauty  goes  than  Dante 
himself;  he  wuz  kinder  humbly  I  always  thought,  but  then, 
I  spoze,  he  didn't  always  wear  that  wreath  on  his  head ;  meb- 
by  he  looked  better  in  a  beaver  hat  or  a  fur  cap.  'Tennyrate, 
Thomas  J.  always  sot  store  by  him.  It  wuz  a  noble  statute, 


352     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  8 1  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

more'n  fifty  feet  high,  I  presoom,  with  two  figures  standin' 
on  each  side  and  one  on  top.  The  one  on  the  left  seemed  to 
have  her  hand  outstretched  telling  to  all  the  world  just  how 
Dante  wuz  used  whilst  he  wuz  alive,  and  the  one  on  the  right 
had  just  throwed  herself  down  and  wuz  cryin'  about  it,  and 
Dante,  settin'  on  top,  wuz  leanin'  his  hand  on  his  head  and 
meditatin'.  What  his  meditations  wuz,  I  don't  know,  nor 
Josiah  don't.  Mebby  he  wuz  thinkin'  of  Beatrice. 

Thomas  J.  had  read  Dante's  books  a  sight  to  his  pa  and 
me.  "  The  Divine  Comedy,"  "  The  Inferno,"  "  Bernadiso," 
"  New  Life,"  etc.,  etc.  Thomas  Jefferson  thought  "  The 
Divine  Comedy  "  a  powerful  work,  showing  the  story  of  how 
a  man  wuz  tempted,  and  how  sorrow  lifts  up  the  soul  to  new 
hites. 

I  never  approved  of  his  praisin'  up  Beatrice  quite  so 
much  under  the  circumstances,  and  I  dare  presoom  to  say 
that  he  and  Gemma  (his  pardner)  had  words  about  it.  But 
then  I  couldn't  hender  it,  it  havin'  all  took  place  five  or  six 
hundred  years  before  I  wuz  born. 

Robert  Strong  said  that  his  writings  wuz  full  of  elo 
quence,  wit  and  pathos.  His  native  land  sets  great  store  by 
his  memory,  though  they  acted  in  the  usual  genteel  and 
fashionable  way,  and  banished  and  persecuted  him  during 
his  life.  One  thing  he  said  I  always  liked.  He  wuz  told  he 
might  return  to  his  country  under  certain  pains  and  penal 
ties,  but  he  refused  and  said: 

"  Far  from  a  preacher  of  justice  to  pay  those  who  have 
done  him  wrong  as  a  favor.  Can  I  not  everywhere  behold 
the  mirrors  of  the  sun  and  stars?  Speculate  on  sweetest 
truths  under  any  sky." 

Robert  Strong  said  his  poetry  wuz  far  finer  in  the  orig 
inal. 

And  I  said,  "  Yes,  he  wuz  very  original,  for  Thomas  Jef 
ferson  always  said  so." 

He  is  buried  in  Ravenna,  and  the  Florentines  have 
begged  for  his  ashes  to  rest  in  Florence.  If  when  they  burnt 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     353 

up  some  of  his  books  to  show  their  contempt  of  him  they 
had  done  as  they  wanted  to,  dug  up  his  body  and  burnt  it, 
there  wouldn't  have  been  any  ashes  to  quarrel  about,  for  of 
course  scornin'  him  so  they  would  have  cast  his  ashes  to  the 
winds.  But  now  they  worship  him  when  his  ear  is  dead  to 
their  praise,  the  great  heart  silent  that  their  love  would  have 
made  beat  with  ecstasy.  Well,  such  is  life.  They  treated 
Tasso  just  about  the  same  who  writ  "  Jerusalem  Delivered," 
they  imprisoned  him  for  a  lunatic,  and  now  how  much  store 
they  set  by  him. 

And  I  had  these  same  thoughts,  only  more  extreme  ones, 
as  we  stood  in  the  cell  of  that  noble  preacher  of  righteous 
ness  and  denouncer  of  sin,  Savonarola.  He  wuz  so  adored 
'by  the  populace,  and  so  great  a  crowd  pressed  to  see  him  to 
kiss  his  robe  and  applaud  him,  that  he  had  to  have  a  guard. 
And  then  this  same  adoring  crowd  turned  against  him,  im 
prisoned  him  for  heresy,  tortured  him,  burnt  him  to  the 
stake.  And  when  he  stood  on  the  fagots,  which  wuz  to  be 
his  funeral  bed  of  flame,  and  the  bishop  said  to  him : 

"  I  excommunicate  you  from  the  church  militant,"  he 
answered :  "  Thou  canst  not  separate  me  from  the  Church 
Triumphant." 

A  great  life  and  a  great  death.  I  thought  of  this  a  sight 
as  I  looked  on  his  tomb.  I  sot  store  by  Mr.  Savonarola. 

In  the  Church  of  Sante  Croce  we  see  the  tomb  of  Machi- 
avelli,  a  very  wise,  deep  man  and  a  wise  patriot,  but  a  man 
lied  about  the  worst  kind  by  them  that  hate  liberty;  the 
tomb  of  the  poet,  Alfieri,  with  Italy  weepin'  over  it;  the 
tombs  of  Michael  Angelo  and  Galileo;  the  mother  of  the 
Bonapartes,  and  many,  many  others.  Galileo's  monument 
wuz  a  sizeable  one,  but  none  too  big  for  the  man  who  dis 
covered  the  telescope  and  the  motion  of  the  earth.  But  just 
as  the  way  of  the  world  is  because  he  found  new  stars  and 
insisted  that  the  earth  did  move,  his  enemies  multiplied,  he 
wuz  persecuted  and  imprisoned.  I  sot  great  store  by  him, 
and  so  did  Robert  Strong,  and  I  sez  to  him,  "  Robert,  you 
28 


354     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE 

too  are  discovering  new  and  radiant  stars  in  your  City  of 
Justice  and  proving  that  the  world  does  move."  And  I  gin 
a  queer  look  onto  Miss  Meechim  and  sez : 

"  I  hope  you  won't  be  persecuted  for  it." 

Miss  Meechim  looked  some  like  her  sirname  with  the 
last  letter  changed  to  n.  But  to  resoom :  The  galleries  of 
Florence  contains  priceless  pictures  and  statuary,  so  many 
of  'em  that  to  enjoy  them  as  you  should,  and  want  to,  would 
take  years.  Why,  in  the  hall  of  Niobe  I  wanted  to  stay  for 
days  to  cry  and  weep  and  enjoy  myself.  I  took  my  linen 
handkerchief  out  of  my  pocket  to  have  it  ready,  for  I  laid 
out  to  weep  some,  and  did,  the  mother's  agony  wuz  so  real, 
holdin'  one  child  while  the  rest  wuz  grouped  about  her  in 
dyin'  agony.  One  of  the  sons  looked  so  natural,  and  his 
expression  of  despair  and  sufferin'  wuz  so  intense  that 
Arvilly  said: 

"  I  believe  he  drinked,  his  face  shows  a  guilty  con 
science,  and  his  ma  looks  jest  as  the  mother  of  drunkards 
always  looks." 

I  told  her  that  the  death  of  Niobe's  children  wuz  caused 
by  envy  and  jealousy,  which  duz  just  such  things  to-day  as 
fur  as  they  dast  all  the  way  from  New  York  to  Jonesville, 
and  so  on  through  the  surroundin'  world.  Sez  I,  Apollo  and 
Diana  killed  'em  all  just  because  Niobe  had  such  beautiful 
children  and  so  many  of  'em  and  wuz  naterally  proud  and 
had  boasted  about  'em  some,  and  Apollo  and  Diana  didn't 
want  their  ma  looked  down  on  and  run  upon  because  she  had 
only  two  children,  and  probable  their  ma  bein'  envious  and 
jealous  sot  'em  up." 

But  Arvilly  wouldn't  give  up ;  she  said  a  ma  would  always 
try  to  cover  up  things  and  insisted  on  it  to  the  last  that  she 
should  always  believe  they  drinked  and  got  into  a  fight  with 
Latony's  boy  and  girl. 

"  No,"  sez  I  agin,  "  it  wuz  Envy  and  Jealousy  that  took 
aim  and  did  this  dretful  deed." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     355 

Josiah  sez :  "  Why  didn't  Ni-obe  keep  her  mouth  shet 
then?" 

Well,  it  wuz  vain  to  enjoy  deep  emotions  in  the  face  of 
such  practicality.  I  put  up  my  handkerchief  and  moved  off 
into  another  room. 

Besides  pictures,  these  galleries  contain  rare  gems  of  art 
in  bronze,  crystal,  precious  stones,  coins,  arms,  helmets,  etc., 
etc.  Enough  as  I  say  to  keep  one's  mind  rousted  up  and 
busy  for  years  and  years. 

Dorothy  said  she  couldn't  leave  Florence  without  seeing 
the  house  where  Elizabeth  Barrett  Browning  lived  and  writ 
her  immortal  poems  and  I  felt  jest  so;  I  felt  that  I  must 
see  the  place  sanctified  by  'her  pure  spirit  and  genius.  So 
Robert  Strong  got  a  carriage  and  took  Dorothy  and  me 
there  one  fine  afternoon.  A  plate  let  into  the  front  of  the 
house  tells  where  she  lived  in  body.  But  in  sperit  she  in 
habited  the  hull  world,  and  duz  now.  Her  home  is  in  the 
hearts  of  all  who  love  pure  and  exalted  poetry. 

Here  she  lived  'her  happy  life  as  the  wife  of  Robert 
Browning  and  mother  of  her  boy.  Here  she  passed  on  up  to 
the  higher  school,  for  which  she  had  prepared  her  sweet  soul 
below,  graduated  in  the  earth  school  and  promoted  up  to  the 
higher  one  above. 

I  had  a  sight  of  emotions  here  and  Robert  and  Dorothy 
quoted  from  her  all  the  way  back  to  our  tarven,  and  so  I  did. 
I  thought  more  of  such  poems  as  "  Mother  and  Poet,"  and 
"  The  Sleep,"  etc.  But  they  quoted  a  sight  from  "  Geral- 
dine's  Courtship  "  and  "  Portuguese  Songs,"  for  so  every 
heart  selects  its  own  nutriment.  Their  young  hearts  trans 
lated  it  into  glowing  language  I  mistrusted,  though  I  didn't 
say  nothin'. 

From  Florence  we  went  to  Rome.  I  had  read  a  sight 
about  Rome  and  how  she  sot  on  her  seven  hills  and  from  her 
throne  of  glory  ruled  the  world.  But  them  hills  are  lowered 
down  a  good  deal  by  the  hand  of  Time,  just  as  Rome's 
glory  is ;  she  don't  rule  the  world  now,  fur  from  it. 


356     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

There  is  in  reality  ten  hills,  but  the  ruins  of  old  Rome — 
the  Rome  of  Julius  Caesar — has  filled  in  the  hollers  a  good 
deal  and  the  new  city  has  grown  old  agin,  as  cities  must, 
and  I,  and  Josiah,  and  everybody  and  everything. 

Robert  Strong  had  writ  ahead  and  got  us  some  comfort 
able  rooms  in  a  tarven  on  the  Corso.  When  Robert  Strong 
first  spoke  on't  Josiah  looked  agitated.  He  thought  it  wuz 
a  buryin'  ground.  But  it  didn't  have  anything  to  do  with  a 
corse. 

The  Corso  is  one  of  the  finest  streets  in  Rome,  and  hand 
some  shops  are  on  each  side  on't,  and  carriages  and  folks  in 
fine  array  and  them  not  so  fine  are  seen  there.  Most  all 
of  the  big  crowd  wuz  dressed  as  they  do  in  Jonesville  and 
Paris  and  London,  though  occasionally  we  met  Italians  in 
picturesque  costooms. 

There  are  three  hundred  and  eighty  Catholic  meetin'- 
'houses  in  Rome,  quite  a  few  on  'em  dedicated  to  the  Virgin 
Mary,  and  lots  of  costly  gifts  are  laid  on  her  altar.  But 
the  one  I  wanted  to  see  and  so  did  the  rest  of  our  party  wuz 
the  one  that  stood  on  the  spot  where  once  the  circus  of 
Nero  stood,  weak,  mizable  creeter.  The  most  agreeable 
actin'  to  him  and  his  cruel  pardner  wuz  the  death  struggles 
of  martyrs  and  bloodshed  and  agony. 

What  a  inspiring  idee  it  is  to  think  that  right  on  that  very 
spot,  that  bloody  pagan  pleasure  house  of  hissen  is  changed 
into 'the  biggest  meetin'-house  in  the  world.  Of  course  we 
had  seen  St.  Peter's  from  a  distance  ever  since  we'd  got  nigh 
the  city,  and  we  sot  out  the  very  next  mornin'  after  we  got 
there,  to  see  it  at  clost  view. 

Now  I  had  thought,  comparin'  it  to  the  Jonesville 
meetin'-house,  which  I  guess  is  about  fifty  by  sixty  feet,  and 
will,  on  a  pinch,  set  four  hundred  and  fifty,  and  comparin' 
that  with  the  cathedral  in  New  York  I  had  thought  that  that 
Catholic  Cathedral  in  New  York  was  about  as  big  a  meetin'- 
house  as  a  minister  could  handle  easy ;  but  the  area  of  that  is 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  8 1  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     357 

forty-three  thousand,  whilst  St.  Peter's  at  Rome  is  two  hun 
dred  and  twelve  thousand. 

The  difference  these  figgers  make  in  the  two  meetin'- 
houses  is  bigger  than  my  writin'  can  show  you,  no  matter 
how  big  a  pen  I  use  or  how  black  my  ink  is. 

As  I  stood  in  St.  Peter's  Church  in  Rome  I  had  a  great 
number  of  emotions  and  large,  very  large  in  size.  Right 
here  where  Mr.  Nero  (the  mean,  misable  creeter)  got  hilari 
ous  over  the  dyin'  struggles  of  the  Christian  martyrs,  right 
here  where  St.  Peter  met  his  death  with  the  glory  of  heaven 
lightin'  up  his  dyin'  eyes  (I  am  just  as  sure  on't  as  if  I  see 
it  myself)  stands  this  immense  meetin'-house. 

Three  hundred  years  of  labor  and  sixty  millions  of  dollars 
have  been  expended  on  it  and  the  end  is  not  yet.  But  I 
would  not  done  it  for  a  cent  less  if  I  had  took  the  job,  I 
couldn't  afford  it  nor  Josiah  couldn't. 

Why,  when  we  stood  in  front  on't  I  didn't  feel  no  bigger 
than  the  head  of  a  pin,  not  a  hat  pin  or  a  shawl  pin,  but  the 
smallest  kind  they  make,  and  Josiah  dwindled  down  so  in 
size  as  compared  to  the  edifice  that  I  'most  thought  I  should 
lose  him  right  there  with  my  eyes  glued  onto  his  liniment. 

You  go  through  a  large  double  door  which  shuts  up 
behind  you  as  noiselessly  and  securely  as  if  you  wuz  walled 
in  to  stay.  My  first  feelin'  after  I  entered  wuz  the  immensity 
of  the  place.  Some  of  the  statutes  you  see  that  didn't  look 
so  big  as  Josiah,  when  you  come  clost  up  to  'em  you 
found  wuz  sixteen  feet  high.  And  the  little  cherubs  holdin' 
the  shell  of  holy  water  at  the  entrance  you  see  are  six  feet 
high.  You  look  fur  down  the  meetin'-house  as  you  look  down 
the  road  into  a  big  piece  of  woods,  only  here  the  distant 
trees  turn  into  statutes  and  shrines  and  altars  and  things. 
Fur  off  like  distant  stars  shinin'  down  into  the  forest  you 
see  the  lamps,  one  hundred  and  twelve  of  'em,  burnin'  day 
and  night  around  the  tomb  of  St.  Peter. 

As  you  stand  under  the  dome  and  look  up  it  is  like  look 
ing  at  the  very  ruff  of  the  sky.  It  is  supported  by  four  great 


358     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

pillars  and  the  interior  of  the  immense  globe  is  one  hundred 
and  thirty-nine  feet  in  circumference  measured  on  the  inside. 

All  the  houses  in  Jonesville  could  be  piled  up  on  top  of 
each  other  in  this  immense  space  and  Zoar  and  Shackville 
piled  onto  them  and  not  half  fill  it. 

As  we  stood  under  the  great  dome  the  canopy  over  St. 
Peter's  tomb  seemed  to  us  no  bigger  than  the  band  stand  in 
Jonesville.  But  when  we  got  up  to  it  we  see  that  it  wuz 
'most  a  hundred  feet  high,  for  fur  up  the  mosaic  medallions 
of  the  four  evangelists  lookin'  none  too  big  for  the  place 
come  to  examine  'em,  the  pen  of  St.  Luke  is  six  feet  long 
and  his  nose  is  big  enough  for  a  spare  bedroom.  The  writing 
that  runs  along  under  the  dome  each  letter  is  six  feet  high, 
higher  than  Thomas  Jefferson  on  tip  toes,  or  Josiah  on  stilts. 
The  idee ! 

I  don't  spoze  that  Peter,  that  earnest,  hot-tempered  fisher 
man  ever  spozed  he  would  have  such  a  buildin'  erected  to 
his  'honor,  and  I  wondered  as  I  looked  through  the  immense 
distances  of  this  meetin'-house  how  many  turned  their 
thoughts  from,  the  glory  about  'em  onto  Peter's  inspired 
words  when  he  wuz  here  in  the  flesh.  This  huge  pile  seemed 
as  if  Time  could  have  no  power  over  it,  but  his  own  words 
rung  in  my  ear : 

"  The  day  of  the  Lord  shall  come  as  a  thief  m  the  night 
and  all  these  things  shall  be  dissolved.  Nevertheless  we 
according  to  his  promise  look  for  a  new  heaven  and  a  new 
earth  wherein  dwelleth  righteousness." 

And  as  I  thought  of  his  death  right  here  on  this  very 
spot  agin  his  words  sounded  in  my  heart: 

"  Beloved,  think  it  not  strange  concerning  this  fiery  trial 
which  is  to  try  you — But  rejoice — Partakers  of  Christ's  suf 
fering —  " 

And  even  as  I  listened  to  the  chantin'  of  the  priests  I  me- 
thought  I  heard  Peter  speaking  of  the  Voice  which  come 
down  from  Heaven  which  they  heard  who  wuz  with  Him  on 
the  mount.  I  thought  of  the  sure  word  of  prophecy.  "  The 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     359 

light  shining  in  a  dark  place  " — "  Until  the  day  dawns  and 
the  day  star  arise  in  our  hearts." 

Yes,  the  real  Peter  wuz  enshrined  in  my  heart  as  I  trod 
the  grand  aisles  of  that  meetin'-house  of  hisen,  and  I  didn't 
think  nothin'  at  all  in  comparison  of  that  statute  of  Peter 
settin'  on  a  white  stun  throne  holdin'  his  foot  out  for  the 
masses  to  kiss. 

He  sets  up  there  with  a  queer  lookin'  thing  on  his  head. 
Josiah  said  it  wuz  a  sass  pan,  and  I  sez :  "  No,  Josiah,  it  is  a 
halo."  And  he  sez: 

"  Samantha,  if  I'm  ever  sculped  and  sot  up  in  the  Jones- 
ville  meetin'-house,  I  don't  want  any  halo  on  my  head." 

And  I  told  him  I  guessed  there  wuzn't  any  danger  of  his 
ever  wearin'  a  halo  on  this  earth. 

And  Josiah  said  before  the  subject  wuz  broached  that 
never,  never  should  he  kiss  that  toe.  And  he  sez  it  to  me 
in  reproachful  axents  as  if  I'd  been  teasin'  him  to.  But  I 
hadn't  thought  on't  and  told  him  so.  But  right  whilst  we 
stood  there  we  see  folks  of  all  classes  from  peasants  to  nobles 
and  of  all  ages  from  childhood  to  old  age  walk  up  and  kneel 
and  kiss  that  onconscious  big  toe  and  go  into  some  chapel 
countin'  the  beads  of  their  rosaries. 

Good  land!  Peter  don't  care  anything  about  that  mum 
mery  unless  he  has  changed  for  the  worse  since  he  left  this 
mortal  spear,  which  hain't  very  likely  bein'  the  man  he  wuz. 
And  as  I  thought  of  the  evil  things  done  in  the  name  of  the 
power  that  rared  up  that  figger,  I  methought  I  hearn  him 
say: 

"  The  time  has  come  when  judgment  must  begin  at  the 
house  of  the  Lord." 

I  had  lots  of  emotions  as  I  walked  to  and  fro  and  didn't 
want  to  talk  to  anybody  or  hear  the  talkin'  round  me. 

I  hearn  Tommy  talkin'  sunthin'  to  Carabi  and  I  catched 
these  words,  "  I  wonner,  oh,  I  wonner  what  good  it  duz  'em 
to  kiss  that  toe."  And  Arvilly  and  Josiah  jined  in  in  sharp 
criticism.  And  agin  Josiah  sez :  "  I  know  I  am  a  leadin'  man 


360     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

in  Jonesville  and  have  been  called  more'n  once  a  pillar  in 
the  meetin'-house,  but  never,  never  do  I  want  to  be  made  a 
statter  with  a  sass  pan  on  my  head,  and  the  bretheren  and 
sistern  kissin'  my  toes." 

And  agin  I  sez,  "  It  hain't  a  sass  pan."  But  they  kep' 
on  to  that  extent  that  I  had  to  say,  "  Josiah  and  Arvilly,  the 
one  that  figger  represents,  said :  '  Above  all  things  have  char 
ity,  for  charity  covers  a  multitude  of  sin.' ' 

Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy  and  Robert  Strong  clumb 
clear  up  into  the  dome  twice  as  high  as  Bunker  Hill  monu 
ment  or  ruther  walked  up  for  they  hain't  stairs,  but  a  smooth 
wooden  way  leads  up,  up  to  that  hite.  Miss  Meechim  told 
me  when  they  come  down  that  though  there  wuz  a  high 
railin'  it  seemed  so  frightful  to  look  down  that  immense 
height  she  didn't  hardly  dare  to  look  off  and  enjoy  herself, 
though  the  view  wuz  sublime. 

But  I  can't  describe  St.  Peter's  no  more  than  a  ant  can 
describe  the  Zodiac,  I  mean  an  a-n-t,  not  mother's  sister. 
Why,  the  great  side  chapels  are  big  enough  for  meetin'- 
houses  and  fur  grander  than  we  shall  ever  see  in  Jonesville 
or  the  environin'  townships.  And  the  tomb  and  monuments 
and  altars,  etc.,  are  more  gorgeous  than  I  could  ever  tell  on 
if  I  should  try  a  year. 

There  wuz  one  statute  by  Canova  of  Clement  XIII.  that 
is  lovely,  the  marble  figure  of  the  pope  and  on  each  side 
kneelin'  figures  of  Religion  and  Death.  Down  below  as  if 
guardin'  the  tomb  stands  two  noble  lions. 

And  Pope  Innocent,  I  d'no  whether  his  name  agreed 
with  his  nater  or  not,  but  he  sets  there  holdin'  the  lance  that 
pierced  the  side  of  our  Lord,  so  they  say.  But  I  don't  believe 
that  it  wuz  the  same  one  nor  Robert  Strong  don't;  I  should 
have  had  different  feelin's  when  I  looked  at  it  if  it  had  been 
the  one. 

Besides  this  relic  they  claim  to  have  at  St.  Peter's  a  piece 
of  the  cross  and  the  napkin  that  wuz  laid  to  our  Lord's  face 
when  he  wuz  faintin'  under  the  burden  of  the  cross,  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     361 

that  still  holds  the  imprint  of  his  face,  so  they  say.  They  are 
shown  on  sacred  days.  They  say  that  there  is  confessionals 
at  St.  Peter's  where  folks  of  every  language  in  the  world 
can  confess  and  be  absolved  by  a  priest  that  understands 
'em.  Well,  I  shouldn't  wonder,  it  is  big  enough,  it  seems 
like  a  world  in  itself.  But  I  couldn't  help  thinkin'  of  our 
great  High  Priest  whose  confessional  is  broad  and  high  as 
the  needs  and  sorrows  of  a  world  and  the  "  silent  liftin'  of  an 
eye  can  bring  us  there  to  be,"  and  who  understands  not  only 
every  language  under  the  sun,  but  every  secret  and  hidden 
thought  and  aspiration  of  the  soul,  good  or  evil,  and  whose 
forgiveness  and  compassion  never  fails  the  penitent  soul.  I 
couldn't  help  thinkin'  on't,  and  I  felt  that  St.  Peter  if  he 
could  speak  would  say,  "  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  I  don't  blame 
you  for  your  methinkin',  I  think  just  so  myself." 

One  day  we  all  went  to  see  the  Arch  of  Titus;  it  wuz 
big  and  massive  lookin'  with  a  lot  of  writin'  over  the  top 
that  I  couldn't  read  nor  Josiah  couldn't,  but  interestin'  like 
all  the  remains  of  imperial  Rome  that  ruled  over  almost 
the  hull  of  the  known  world.  It  was  erected  about  the  year 
70  to  commemorate  the  destruction  of  Jerusalem. 

There  wuz  another  arch  fur  more  interestin'  to  me,  and 
that  wuz  the  arch  of  Constantine.  It  is  perfectly  beautiful, 
and  would  be,  even  if  it  wuz  built  by  a  misable  pagan.  But 
it  wuz  built  by  Mr.  Constantine  when  he  declared  himself 
in  favor  of  Christianity.  I  sot  store  by  him. 

It  is  a  grand  and  beautiful  structure,  richly  ornamented, 
and  has  three  passages.  I  didn't  like  all  the  base  reliefs 
on  it ;  indeed,  I  considered  some  on  'em  as  real  base,  such  as 
Mr.  Tragan's  offerin's  to  the  gods,  etc.  But  then  I  realized 
that  I  wuzn't  obleeged  to  look  at  'em.  And  some  on  'em 
wuz  very  good  showin'  off  Mr.  Tragan  educatin'  poor 
children,  etc.  And  some  of  Constantine's  doin's  there  I 
liked  first-rate. 

And  I  d'no  as  I  see  anything  in  Rome  that  interested 
me  more  than  the  tomb  of  Celia  Crassus — Celia  Matella 


that  wuz.  It  is  a  round,  massive  structure  that  stands  on 
the  Appian  Way  and  is  about  two  thousand  years  old.  It 
wuz  once  all  covered  with  costly  marble,  but  the  hand  of 
Time  and  other  thieves,  in  mortal  shape,  have  stole  it  a  long 
time  ago.  But  enough  is  left  to  show  what  it  wuz.  Nobody 
knows  jest  who  Celia  wuz  and  what  she  did  do,  or  didn't 
do,  to  git  such  a  monument.  But  I  shall  always  believe  she 
wuz  a  real  likely  woman  and  smart.  'Tennyrate,  I  said  her 
pardner  must  have  thought  high  on  her  and  mourned  her 
loss  like  a  dog  or  he  never  would  have  rared  such  a  magnifi 
cent  tomb  to  her  memory. 

But  Arvilly  looked  at  it  different.  She  said  she  believed 
her  husband  drinked  and  got  led  off  into  all  sorts  of  sins  and 
made  Celia  no  end  of  trouble  and  riz  this  monument  up  to 
smooth  things  over. 

But  I  sez,  "  Mebby  things  wuz  different  then ;  "  but  didn't 
really  spoze  so,  human  nater  havin'  capered  about  the  same 
from  the  start.  "  'Tennyrate,"  sez  I,  "  I  shall  always  believe 
that  Miss  Crassus  wuz  good  as  gold,  and  this  great  massive 
monument  that  it  seems  as  if  the  hand  of  Time  can't  ever 
throw  down  I  take  as  a  great  compliment  to  my  sect  as  well 
as  Celia  Crassus. 

But  Arvilly  wuz  as  firm  as  a  rock  to  the  last  in  her  belief 
that  Mr.  Crassus  drinked  and  that  Miss  Crassus  wuz  broken 
hearted  by  her  grief  and  anxiety  and  tryin'  to  cover  up  her 
pardner's  doin's  as  the  wives  of  drunkards  will,  and  tryin' 
to  keep  her  children  from  follerin'  their  pa's  dretful  ex 
ample,  and  then  after  he'd  jest  killed  her  with  these  doin's  he 
rared  up  this  great  monument  as  a  conscience  soother. 

Josiah  thought  Celia  wuz  equinomical  and  a  wonderful 
good  cook,  and  her  grateful  pardner  riz  this  up  in  honor  of 
his  blissful  life  with  her. 

Miss  Meechim  thought  that  at  all  events  she  must  have 
been  genteel. 

Robert  and  Dorothy  looked  at  its  massive  walls,  and  I 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     363 

hearn  him  say  sunthin'  to  her  kinder  low  about  "  how  love 
wuz  stronger  than  time  or  death." 

But  Tommy  just  wonnered  at  it,  wonnered  who  Celia 
Matella  wuz,  how  she  looked,  how  old  she  wuz,  if  she  had 
any  little  boys  and  girls.  He  jest  wonnered  and  nothin'  else, 
and  in  the  end  I  did,  too. 

You  have  no  idee  till  you  see  how  big  the  Colosseum  is. 
It  is  as  long  as  from  our  'house  to  she  that  wuz  Submit 
Tewksberry's,  and  so  on  round  by  Solomon  Gowdey's  back 
agin.  You  may  not  believe  it,  but  it  is  true,  and  I  d'no  but 
it  is  bigger.  It  used  to  accommodate  one  hundred  thousand 
people  in  its  palmy  days,  or  so  I  spoze  they  called  it,  when 
some  time  durin'  one  season  five  thousand  beasts  would  be 
killed  there  fightin'  with  human  bein's,  hull  armies  of  cap 
tives  bein'  torn  to  pieces  there  for  the  delight  of  them  old 
pagans.  Fathers  bein'  made  to  kill  their  wives  and  children 
right  there  for  their  delight. 

Oh,  how  I  wished,  as  I  told  Arvilly,  I  could  git  holt  of 
Mr.  Titus  and  Mr.  Nero  and  some  of  the  rest  of  them  leadin' 
men. 

The  conqueror,  Mr.  Titus,  brought  back  twelve  thousand 
of  the  conquered  Jews  and  made  'em  work  and  toil  to  build 
up  that  lofty  arch  in  memory  of  their  own  defeat  and  captiv 
ity  and  his  glory.  You'd  think  that  wuz  enough  trouble  for 
'em,  but  I've  hearn,  and  it  come  pretty  straight  to  me,  that 
he  misused  'em  more  or  less  while  they  wuz  workin'  away 
at  it. 

'Tennyrate,  they  say  a  Jew  won't  go  under  that  arch  to 
this  day  and  they've  been  seen  to  spit  at  it,  and  I  spoze  they 
throw  things  at  it  more  or  less  on  the  sly. 

Sez  I,  "  I'd  gin  'em  a  piece  of  my  mind  if  I  knowed  they 
would  make  me  fight  with  a  elephant  the  next  minute." 

Arvilly  thought  that  if  she  could  sold  them  the  "  Twin 
Crimes  "  it  might  have  helped  'em  to  do  better,  but  I  d'no  as 
it  would.  But  that  great  amphitheatre  where  the  blood  and 


364     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

agony  of  the  martyrs  cried  to  heaven,  was  afterwards  dedi 
cated  to  these  Christian  martyrs.  There  are  eighty  arches  of 
entrance.  Only  a  part  of  the  immense  circular  wall  is  now 
standing,  but  you  can  see  what  it  wuz.  There  are  four  stories 
of  arches,  one  hundred  and  fifty-seven  feet  high  in  all,  the 
arena  it  encloses  is  two  hundred  and  eighty-seven  feet  long. 

Dorothy  and  Robert  Strong  and  Miss  Meechim  went  and 
see  it  by  moonlight,  and  they  say  that  it  wuz  a  more  beauti 
ful  sight  than  words  can  describe.  But  I  bein'  a  little  afraid 
of  the  rumatiz,  thought  that  I  had  better  go  by  broad  day 
light,  and  Josiah  did,  too.  I  mistrusted  that  Robert  and 
Dorothy  beheld  it  by  a  sweeter  and  softer  light  than  even  the 
Italian  moonlight,  but  I  kep'  in  and  didn't  speak  my  mis- 
trustin'.  I  dast  as  soon  die  as  gin  vent  to  any  such  idee  be 
fore  Albina  Meechim. 

We  went  one  day  to  see  the  Pantheon,  built  by  Mr. 
Agrippa,  27  B.C.  It  is  a  dretful  big  buildin';  I  guess  about 
the  biggest  ancient  buildin'  in  the  world.  It  has  had  its  ups 
and  downs,  shown  out  in  brilliant  beauty,  been  stole  from  and 
blackened  by  the  hand  of  Time,  but  it  is  still  beautiful. 

It  wuz  dedicated  to  Jupiter  at  first,  and  afterwards  to  the 
Virgin  and  the  Christian  martyrs,  afterwards  it  was  dedicated 
to  all  the  saints. 

In  speakin'  on  this  subject,  Josiah  said :  "  What  a  lot  of 
saints  they  do  have  in  these  furren  countries,"  and  says  he 
to  me,  soto  vosy,  "  I'd  kinder  like,  Samantha,  to  get  that 
name;  Saint  Josiah  would  sound  well  and  uneek  in  Jones- 
ville." 

But  I  scorfed  at  the  idee,  though  knowin'  that  he.  wuz 
jest  as  worthy  to  be  called  saint  as  a  good  many  who  wuz 
called  by  that  name. 

But  Josiah  is  dretful  ambitious.  When  we  wuz  lookin' 
at  the  different  pictures  of  the  popes  in  their  high  hats,  sez 
he: 

"  How  becomin'  such  a  hat  would  be  to  me.     I  believe 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     365 

I  shall  be  took  in  one  when  I  get  home ;  I  could  take  Father 
Allen's  and  Father  Smith's  old  stove-pipe  hats  and  set  my 
best  one  on  top,  and  then  cut  out  a  wooden  cross  on  top; 
how  uneek  it  would  be." 

But  I  spoze  he  will  forgit  it  before  he  gits  home — I  hope 
so  'tennyrate. 


CHAPTER    XXX 

HE  Vatican  where  the  Pope  keeps  house  is  the 
biggest  house  in  the  world ;  its  dimensions  are 
one  thousand  one  hundred  and  fifty-one  feet, 
by  seven  hundred  and  sixty-seven  feet.  And 
if  you  want  to  realize  the  size  of  such  a  buildin', 
you  jest  try  to  frame  it  and  you'd  find  out.  Why,  as  I  told 
Josiah,  Joel  Gowdey  is  called  our  best  carpenter  in  Jones- 
ville,  but  if  he  should  try  to  plan  that  buildin',  where  would 
he  be  ?  He  is  a  great  case  to  scratch  his  head  in  difficulties, 
Joel  is,  and  I  guess  he'd  be  pretty  bald  before  he  got  through 
studyin'  on  it,  much  less  doin'  the  work.  It  has  twenty 
courts,  two  hundred  staircases,  and  'leven  thousand  rooms. 
Josiah  worried  some  about  it,  and  sez : 

"  What  duz  one  old  man  want  of  'leven  thousand  rooms? 
He  can't  be  in  more'n  one  to  time,  and  if  he  tried  to  go 
round  and  see  if  his  hired  help  kep'  'em  swep'  up  and  mopped 
and  the  winders  cleaned,  it  would  keep  him  on  the  go  the 
hull  time  and  be  too  much  for  him." 

But  I  told  Josiah  that  Mr.  Pope  didn't  make  use  of  the 
hull  buildin'  his  own  self,  but  there  wuz  libraries  in  it  and 
museums  and  picture  galleries.  I  believe  myself  Mr.  Pope 
is  a  real  likely  man,  of  which  more  anon.  I  don't  believe 
that  there  is  a  room  in  the  U.  S.  or  the  hull  surroundin' 
world  so  grand  and  magnificent  as  the  Great  Hall  of  the 
Vatican  Library.  It  is  over  two  hundred  feet  long,  and 
glorious  in  architecture  and  ornaments  from  top  to  bottom. 
It  contains  the  most  priceless  treasures  in  books  and  manu 
scripts.  For  hundreds  of  years  the  collection  has  been  con 
stantly  growing  by  purchase,  gifts  and  conquests.  One  of  its 
choicest  treasures  is  the  Bible  of  the  fourth  century. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     367 

The  picture  galleries  in  the  Vatican  contain  pictures  and 
statutes  enough,  it  seems  to  me,  to  ornament  the  parlors  of 
the  world  if  they  wuz  divided  up.  And  the  museum — I  don't 
spoze  there  is  so4  big  a  collection  in  the  world  of  such  rare 
and  costly  things,  and  I  spoze  like  as  not  there  will  never  be 
another  one  so  large  and  valuable.  I  never  should  try  it, 
nor  Josiah  wouldn't.  It  would  be  too  big  a  tug  on  our 
strength,  if  we  had  oceans  of  money,  and  can  no  more  be 
described  than  I  could  count  the  sands  of  the  sea  and  set  'em 
in  rows. 

We  thought  one  day  we  would  visit  the  Pantheon.  Miss 
Meechim  didn't  really  want  to  go  on  account  of  her  con 
science  partly,  and  I  too  felt  some  as  she  did,  for  it  wuz  a 
pagan  temple  riz  up  to  all  the  gods  twenty-seven  years  before 
Christ.  But  finally  we  all  did  go.  As  I  told  Miss  Meechim, 
we  could  keep  up  a  stiddy  thinkin'  on  better  things,  if  we  wuz 
lookin'  on  pagan  shrines. 

She  said  she  wuz  afraid  that  Rev.  Mr.  Weakdew  wouldn't 
approve  of  her  being  there,  and  she  didn't  seem  to  enjoy 
herself  very  much  and  I  d'no  as  I  did.  But  it  must  have 
been  a  glorious  place  as  fur  as  beauty  is  concerned  in  its 
prime,  for  it  is  beautiful  in  its  ruin.  There  are  no  windows, 
but  it  has  a  large  circular  openin'  in  the  ruff  through  which 
I  spoze  the  smoke  of  sacrifice  ascended,  not  much,  I  believe, 
above  the  figures  that  used  to  stand  up  there  fifty  feet  above 
the  marble  and  porphry  pavement — Mars,  Jupiter,  Apollo, 
Minerva,  Vulcan,  etc.,  etc.  For  all  everything  has  been  stole 
from  this  gorgeous  temple  that  could  be,  it  is  grand-lookin' 
and  beautiful  now. 

From  the  Pantheon  we  went  to  the  Capitol — the  Capitu- 
line  Hill  where  justice  wuz  meted  out  to  the  public  from 
kings  and  nobles. 

We  went  safely  past  the  two  huge  lions  at  the  foot  of  the 
staircase — though  Tommy  got  behind  me  when  he  first  saw 
them — past  the  spot  where  Rianzi  wuz  killed.  Here  we  see 
no  end  of  statutes  of  the  Caesars,  the  Popes  and  other  in- 


368      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE 

fluential  families.  We  stood  on  the  spot  where  Brutus  made 
that  memorable  speech,  and  I  felt  that  I  could  almost  see  that 
noble  figger  as  he  stood  there  sayin' :  "  Friends,  Romans, 
countrymen,  lend  me  your  ears!  "  If  I  had  been  there,  I'd 
lent  him  two  pairs;  mine  and  Josiah's  in  welcome. 

The  bronze  wolf,  spoke  of  by  Mr.  Cicero,  is  still  standin' 
there ;  and  in  the  museum  here  we  see  no  end  of  rich  sculp 
ture,  statutes,  mosaic  and  beautiful,  rare  objects  of  art. 
Pliny's  doves  made  a  noble  show;  they  are  made  of  little 
pieces  of  stun,  one  hundred  and  sixty  pieces  in  an  inch;  I 
couldn't  done  it  to  save  my  life.  The  Venus  of  the  Capitol 
looks  beautiful ;  Josiah  thought  she  favored  Sally  Ann  Henzy, 
but  I  didn't.  And,  'tennyrate,  Sally  Ann  would  have  scorned 
to  appear  in  company  in  that  condition;  Sally  Ann  is  real 
modest. 

In  the  Pincian  Garden,  we  see  the  villa  of  Lucullus,  a 
brave  soldier  who  had  his  faults,  but  wuz  a  good  provider 
and  thought  a  site  of  his  vittles ;  he  made  me  think  of  Josiah. 
And  also  we  see  the  home  of  Mr.  Nero — mean  creeter — I 
wuz  glad  enough  he  passed  away  before  I  got  there.  My 
principles  on  intemperance  and  monopolies  would  have  riled 
him  up  dretful,  and  Arvilly's  talk  made  him  hoppin'  mad. 
I  d'no  what  'he  would  have  took  it  into  his  head  to  do.  And 
I  never  should  have  gin  him  the  freedom  of  Jonesville,  never, 
he  needn't  thought  on't;  nor  I  never  should  invited  him  to 
make  a  all  day's  visit  to  our  house,  nor  a  afternoon  one, 
either. 

They  have  beautiful  fountains  in  Rome.  All  of  a  sudden 
as  we  went  through  a  narrer  street,  we  see  a  dazzlin'  sheet 
of  water  come  down  from  the  rock  shell  work  and  statutes, 
clear  streams  of  water  seemed  to  be  gushin'  out  on  all  sides, 
fallin'  into  a  b,g  reservoir  big  enough  for  a  ship  to  float  in, 
and  one  day  we  went  to  see  the  Baths  of  Caracella.  Jest 
think  of  a  bath  a  mile  square,  big  enough  for  thirty  or  forty 
thousand  folks  to  bathe  in  at  one  time.  It  is  all  in  ruins  now, 
but  you  can  see  from  the  thick  walls,  tall  arches,  the  sides 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     369 

covered  with  costly  mosaic,  what  they  wuz  in  their  glory. 
Josiah  thought  he  could  make  a  lovely  piece  of  mosaic  from 
the  stuns  down  in  our  paster  and  slate  stuns.  He  said  if  he 
could  cover  the  front  of  the  barn  with  the  pictures  of  his 
travels  in  stun,  some  like  the  travels  of  Ulysses,  it  would  be 
a  boon  to  Jonesville.  But  good  land !  it  would  be  a  sight  to 
behold  made  of  stuns  as  big  as  your  hand  and  all  shapes. 
That  ambition  must  be  squenched.  Josiah  breathed  this 
aspiration  to  me  as  we  went  through  the  Hall  of  the  Em 
perors.  And  they  didn't  look  no  better  nor  so  well  as  the 
bretheren  in  the  Jonesville  meetin'-house  would  if  they  wuz 
sculped  and  Josiah  said  so ;  though,  of  course,  as  I  told  him, 
they  wuz  dressed  up  more  fancy.  And  he  said:  "Any  de 
cent  woman  would  lend  her  nightgown  for  her  pardner  to 
be  sculped  in  and  handkerchief  pins  and  lace  under-sleeves 
and  things." 

Poppea  Sabina,  the  second  wife  of  Mr.  Nero,  wuz  a  beauti- 
ful-lookin'  woman,  though  I  don't  spoze  she  wuz  what  she 
should  be.  Her  husband  kicked  her  to  death  some  time  ago. 
He  ort  to  been  kicked  himself;  I'd  been  willin'  to  hire  the 
mule  myself  to  done  it,  I  wuz  that  put  out  thinkin'  on't. 

Josiah  said  "  Poppy  Sabriny  wuz  the  best-lookin'  figger 
there." 

Arvilly  said  she  most  knew  he'd  been  drinkin',  it  wuz 
so  fashionable  for  drinkin'  men  to  kick  their  wives,  and  sez 
she :  "  Oh,  how  I  wish  I  could  have  canvassed  Nero  for  the 
*  .Twin  Crimes  '  before  he  done  it." 

And  I  sez :  "  It  might  have  been  a  good  thing  for  Mr. 
Nero  and  for  Poppy,  but  I  don't  know  how  it  would  have 
been  with  you,  Arvilly;  a  man  that  would  kick  his  wife  to 
death  wouldn't  be  apt  to  brook  a  book-agent." 

"  Yes,"  sez  Josiah,  "  anybody  that  would  kick  Poppy  Sa 
briny  would  do  anything." 

Sez  I :  "  It  would  look  just  as  well,  Josiah,  for  a  perfessor 
not  to  talk  so  much  about  another  woman  besides  his  pard 
ner,  even  if  she  is  a  stun  woman." 
24 


370     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Jealous  of  a  statter !  "  sez  Josiah  skornfully. 

"  Not  at  all,"  sez  I.  "  But  Poppea  Sabina  wuz  a  pagan, 
and  no  better  than  she  should  be,  and  her  folks  wuzn't  likely 
and " 

"  Jest  like  a  woman !  "  sez  Josiah,  "  a  man  can't  praise 
up  another  female,  dead  or  alive,  without  his  pardner  picking 
flaws  in  'em." 

Well,  I  drawed  his  attention  off  onto  the  Caesars,  Augus 
tus  and  Domitian,  and  quite  a  few  on  'em.  Nero's  bust  I  de 
spised  lookin'  at — brutal  tyrant — as  Josiah  truly  said  anybody 
that  would  kill  his  wife  and  grandmother  would  do  anything 
and  wuz  too  mean  to  be  looked  at.  If  I  could  covered  up 
his  face  I'd  been  willin'  to  used  my  best  crape  veil  that  I 
mourned  for  Mother  Allen  in.  Nero's  grandma,  she  that 
wuz  Agrepina  Agrippa,  wuz  good  featured  but  broken 
hearted  lookin'.  No  wonder,  havin'  such  a  grandson  in  the 
family.  Arvilly  said  as  she  looked  at  it,  that  she  believed  if 
old  Miss  Nero,  his  grandma,  and  his  own  ma  had  spanked 
him  good  and  sound  and  sot  him  down  hard  in  the  corner 
from  day  to  day  he  wouldn't  acted  and  behaved  so  when  he 
got  bigger.  She  said  she  presoomed  he  wuz  allowed  to  pierce 
flies  with  a  pin  and  torter  'hornets  and  May  bugs  and  rob 
birds'  nests  and  tie  cans  to  dogs'  tails  and  act,  and  he  got 
worse  as  he  got  bigger.  And  I  d'no  but  she  wuz  right.  I've 
seen  the  Nero  sperit  in  small  boys  many  times;  why,  I  see 
it  in  Thomas  Jefferson  when  he  wuz  little,  but  it  wus 
squenched  and  he's  come  up  noble. 

Miss  Meechim  wanted  to  see  the  Paletine  Hill,  the  spot 
where  Romulus  and  Remus  wuz  nursed  by  a  she  wolf;  Josiah 
don't  believe  it.  He  said  no  wolf  would  consent  to  bring  up 
twins  by  hand,  and  no  ma  would  ever  allow  it,  but  that's 
what  they  say.  Miss  Meechim  explained  here  how  when 
the  twins  had  growed  up  Romulus  harnessed  a  heifer  and 
bull  to  a  plough  and  laid  out  the  site  of  the  city.  Robert 
Strong  wuz  full  of  memories  of  Cicero,  Catalus,  the  Gracchi, 
and  so  wuz  Dorothy.  But  no  place  interested  me  there  so 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    371 

much  as  the  Forum,  where  some  think  Paul  wuz  tried.  He 
wuz  tried  before  Nero,  and  there  wuz  Nero's  judgment  place, 
and  there  wuz  the  seat  for  prisoners.  As  I  looked  round 
me  I  could  imagine  the  incomparable  eloquence  of  Paul  that 
sways  the  human  heart  as  leaves  are  waved  by  a  strong 
breeze,  and  his  memory  sweetened  the  hull  place,  and  it 
needed  it  bad  enough,  yes  indeed  it  did.  But  to  resoom : 

One  day  Arvilly  and  I  wuz  takin'  a  walk  together,  Josiah 
and  Tommy  bein'  a  little  ahead,  when  we  see  a  elegant  car 
riage  comin'  along,  a  rich  red  color  all  ornamented  with 
gold,  with  six  horses,  their  gorgeous  harnesses  nice  enough 
for  bridal  ornaments.  And  there  wuz  outriders  goin'  ahead 
and  men  in  brilliant  uniform  fallin'  in  behind,  and  lots  and 
lots  of  carriages  follerin'  on  in  the  procession.  There  wuz  a 
axident  in  front,  two  carriages  goin'  in  opposite  directions 
had  smashed  in  together,  and  two  or  three  fallin'  over  them 
wuz  the  cause.  I  see  that  in  that  splendid  carriage  right 
under  my  nose  as  it  were,  a  gentleman  sittin'  alone,  dressed 
up  in  a  way  that  would  have  shed  delight  into  the  soul  of 
Josiah  Allen,  and  a  female  bystander  sez,  "  There  is  the 
pope." 

He  had  a  bright  red  robe  on,  all  covered  with  crosses 
and  stars  and  orders,  and  a  high  peaked  cap  of  the  same 
color.  And  even  as  I  looked  at  him  I  thought  what  a  beauti 
ful  stripe  them  clothes  would  make  in  a  rag  carpet  after  he'd 
got  through  with  'em. 

You  could  see  he  wuz  good  natered  and  smart  and  about 
as  old  as  Salathiel  Henzy  and  looked  like  him.  His  benign 
face  wuz  lookin'  over  the  crowd  as  if  he  had  a  look  into  a 
better  country.  I  liked  his  linement  first-rate  and  believe  he 
is  a  likely  man,  and  I  felt  that  it  would  encourage  him  to 
hear  me  say  so,  and  also  I  felt  that  there  wuz  some  things 
that  I  wanted  to  advise  him  for  his  good.  So  I  advanced 
to  the  side  of  the  carriage  door  and  sez,  holdin'  out  my  hand 
in  a  cordial  way : 


372 

"  Good  mornin',  Mr.  Pope ;  I  am  glad  to  see  you  lookin' 
so  well." 

Bein'  took  so  completely  by  surprise,  he  held  out  his 
hand.  They  have  told  me  since  that  he  meant  to  have  me 
kiss  it,  but  I  never  thought  on't  nor  shouldn't  done  it  if  I  had, 
not  bein'  in  the  habit  of  kissin'  strange  men's  hands;  no,  I 
grasped  holt  of  it  and  shook  it  warmly  just  as  I  would  Sala- 
thiel's. 

He  riz  his  hand  up  in  benediction  and  said  some  words 
that  I  couldn't  understand,  but  good  ones  I  know  from  his 
looks,  and  I  bent  my  head  as  reverent  as  I  would  before 
Elder  Minkley.  But  as  I  lifted  my  eyes  what  wuz  my  hor- 
row  to  see  Arvilly  advance  takin'  out  "  The  Twin  Crimes  " 
from  her  work-bag  and  before  I  could  interfere  she  had  be 
gun  to  canvass  him.  Sez  she :  "  Mr.  Pope,  I  have  a  book 
here  I  would  like  to  call  your  attention  to :  '  The  Twin 
Crimes  of  America :  Intemperance  and  Greed/  '  Good  cree- 
ter,  it  wuz  too  bad.  But  it  ended  triumphant  for  Arvilly, 
for  whether  it  wuz  my  noble  words  to  him  that  had  softened 
him  down  or  whether  it  wuz  that  he  knowed  how  rampant 
these  two  evils  wuz  in  the  United  States  and  wanted  to  in 
form  himself  still  further  about  it,  'tennyrate  he  looked  the 
book  over  and  said  he  would  be  glad  to  have  the  book,  and 
he  and  two  more  of  the  leadin'  men  nigh  him  in  that  pro 
cession  bought  books,  Arvilly  deliverin'  'em  on  the  spot 
and  takin'  her  money.  And  if  the  stoppage  in  the  crowd 
hadn't  let  up  and  they  started  on,  I  d'no  but  she  would  have 
canvassed  the  hull  flower  of  the  Romish  meetin'-house ; 
though  we  wuz  told  afterwards  by  one  who  pretended  to 
know,  that  it  wuzn't  the  Pope  I  had  talked  to  and  Anally 
had  canvassed,  but  some  other  high  dignitary  in  the  meetin'- 
house. 

We  stayed  on  in  Rome  longer  than  we  had  laid  out  to, 
for  our  sweet  Dorothy  liked  it  there.  And  if  she  had  took 
it  into  her  head  to  set  down  on  a  lonesome  rock  in  mid 
ocean,  like  a  mermaid,  for  a  week,  there  would  the  rest  on 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    373 

us  be  sot  round  her  till  her  mind  changed.  For  the  head  of 
our  party  would  have  managed  it  some  way  so  she  could 
had  her  way.  Not  that  she  would  do  anything  aginst  the 
wishes  of  the  rest  of  us,  but  she  wuz  happy  there,  and  the 
rest  of  us  all  liked  it  and  found  plenty  of  things  to  interest 
us,  but  at  last  we  did  set  out  for  Naples. 

I  had  sot  a  good  deal  of  store  on  seem'  the  Bay  of  Naples, 
and  so  had  the  other  females  of  our  party.  Robert  Strong 
had  seen  it  before.  And  my  pardner  when  I  tried  to  roust 
up  his  interest  and  admiration  by  quotin'  the  remark  so  often 
made :  "  See  Naples  and  die." 

He  said  he  wouldn't  do  any  such  thing,  not  if  he  could 
keep  alive.  "  But,"  sez  he,  •"  more'n  as  likely  as  not  the  vile 
Italian  cookin'  will  be  too  much  for  me  and  your  prophecy 
may  come  true ;  I  may  see  Naples  and  die — from  starvation." 

But  I  told  him  it  wuz  the  incomparable  beauty  of  the  seen 
that  wuz  meant,  that  when  you'd  seen  that  you  had  beheld 
the  best  and  most  beautiful  the  world  could  offer  you  and 
you  might  as  well  pass  away  without  tryin'  any  further. 

And  Josiah  said  he  would  ruther  see  the  Jonesville  creek 
down  in  the  paster  back  of  the  house,  where  it  makes  a  bend 
round  our  sugar  house  and  the  sugar  maples  grow  clear 
down  to  the  water's  edge,  and  pussy  willers  lean  down,  so 
the  pussy  most  touch  the  water,  and  you  can  see  the  brook 
trout  darting  about  over  the  clean  pebbles,  than  to  see  forty 
Napleses. 

I  too  felt  a  good  deal  the  same,  but  wouldn't  encourage 
him  by  sayin'  so.  And  the  'Bay  of  Naples  wuz  beautiful,  its 
beauty  stole  on  you  onbeknown  and  growed  and  growed 
till  it  possessed  your  hull  heart  and  soul,  if  you  had  a  soul.  It 
lays  like  a  big  blue  liquid  gem  in  its  encirclin'  settin'  of  fade 
less  green  and  flashing  white  walls,  and  crowned  by  the 
hantin'  dretful  beauty  of  Mount  Vesuvius. 

Naples  is  a  big  city,  the  biggest  in  Italy,  and  as  easy  to 
git  into  from  land  as  Jonesville  is,  only  on  its  principle  ave- 


374     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

nues  there  are  what  they  call  barriers  where  they  collect 
duties  on  provisions,  etc.,  brought  from  the  country. 

Josiah  thought  that  would  be  a  splendid  thing  for  him. 
Sez  he,  "  I  believe  I  shall  have  Ury  help  me  and  build  a  bar 
rier  in  front  of  my  house  and  take  a  tax  for  big  loads  that  go 
by.  Why,"  sez  he,  "  at  a  cent  a  load  I  could  make  a  splendid 
livin'." 

But  he  won't  try  it.  As  I  told  him  he  might  just  as  well 
lanch  right  out  on  Jonesville  creek  as  a  corsair,  "  and  I've 
always  said,"  sez  I,  "  that  never  would  I  live  on  brigandage." 

Some  of  the  streets  of  Naples  are  narrer  and  noisy  as 
Bedlam  with  market  men  and  women  cryin'  out  their  wares 
and  all  sorts  of  street  noises.  Little  donkeys  carryin'  loads 
fur  too  big  for  our  old  mair.  A  sort  of  a  big  loose  bag  hangs 
on  each  side  on  'em  piled  up  as  high  as  they  will  hold  with 
fruit,  vegetables,  flowers,  etc. 

Sometimes  you  will  see  such  a  big  load  walkin'  off  and 
can't  for  your  life  tell  what  propels  it  till  bime  by  you  will 
hear  a  loud  bray  from  underneath.  It  sounds  quite  scareful. 
The  little  ridin'  wagons  of  the  poor  people  are  packed  too 
as  I  never  see  a  hoss  car  in  the  U.  S.  Sometimes  you  will 
see  more'n  two  dozen  folks,  priests,  soldiers,  men,  women 
and  children,  and  sometimes  baskets  full  of  vegetables  and 
babies  swingin'  underneath  and  all  drawed  by  a  donkey;  it 
hain't  right  and  I  wanted  to  talk  to  'em  about  it,  but  didn't 
know  as  they  would  hear  to  me.  But  our  old  mair  is  used 
fur  different. 

The  Cathedral  is  quite  a  noble  lookin'  buildin'  and  con 
tains  tombs  of  many  noted  people,  Pope  Innocent,  King  An 
drew,  Charles  I.  of  Anjou,  and  many,  many  others.  The 
Piazza,  del  Municipio  has  a  beautiful  fountain,  and  there  is 
one  fashionable  promenade  over  two  hundred  feet  wide  con 
taining  all  sorts  of  trees  and  shrubs  where  you  can  see  the 
Neopolitans  dressed  in  fine  array.  There  is  a  terrace  extend 
ing  into  the  sea,  temples,  winding  paths,  grottos,  etc. 

The  Piazza  del  Plebiscito  has  an  equestrian  statute  that 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    375 

wuz  taken  in  the  first  place  for  Napoleon,  then  changed  to 
General  Murat  and  finally  to  Charles  III.  It  made  me  think 
considerable  of  the  daily  papers  who  use  one  picture  for  all 
social  and  criminal  purposes,  and  for  Queen  Victoria  and 
Lydia  Pinkham. 

Some  of  the  principal  streets  are  straight  and  handsome, 
with  blocks  of  lava  right  out  of  the  bosom  of  the  earth  for 
pavement.  It  give  me  queer  feelin's  to  tread  on't  thinkin' 
that  it  come  from  a  place  way  down  in  the  earth  that  we 
didn't  know  anything  about  and  thinkin'  what  strange  things 
it  could  tell  if  stuns  could  talk.  Some  of  the  best  streets  had 
sidewalks.  It  is  well  lighted  by  gas. 

As  you  walk  along  the  streets  you  see  rich  and  poor,  beg 
gar  and  priest,  soldier  and  peasant,  every  picturesque  cos- 
toom  you  can  think  on  and  all  sorts  of  faces.  But  there 
seems  to  be  a  kind  of  a  happy-go-lucky  air  in  'em  all,  even 
to  the  beggars  and  the  little  lazy,  ragged  children  layin'  in  the 
sunshine.  The  people  live  much  out  of  doors  here,  you  can 
see  'em  washin'  and  dressin'  the  children,  and  doin'  house 
work,  and  everything  right  from  the  street,  and  though  I 
don't  spoze  the  poor  suffer  so  much  here  on  account  of  the 
warm  climate,  yet  dirt  and  rags  and  filth  and  vermin  didn't 
look  any  better  to  me  here  than  they  did  in  Jonesville. 

In  Naples  as  a  rule  the  lower  parts  of  the  houses  are 
shops,  restaurants,  etc.,  and  the  upper  stories  are  used  for 
dwellings.  The  beautiful  terraces  of  the  city  and  the  flat 
roofs  of  the  houses  are  covered  with  shrubs  and  flowers,  and 
filled  with  gayly  dressed  promenaders,  givin'  it  a  gay  appear 
ance.  And  you  don't  see  in  the  faces  of  the  crowd  any  ex 
pression  of  fear  for  the  danger  signal  that  smokes  up  in  the 
sky,  no  more  than  our  faces  to  home  show  signs  of  our 
realizin'  the  big  danger  signals  on  our  own  horizon. 

I  d'no  as  I  ever  had  hearn  of  the  third  city  that  wuz  de 
stroyed  when  Herculaneam  and  Pompeii  wuz.  But  Vesu 
vius  did  put  an  end  to  another  city  called  Stabea  at  that  time, 
most  two  thousand  years  ago,  but  that  is  some  years  back 


376     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  I  d'no  as  it  is  strange  that  the  news  hadn't  got  to  Jones- 
ville  yet. 

Naples  has  three  hundred  meetin'-houses,  enough  you 
would  say  to  make  the  citizens  do  as  they  ort  to.  But  I 
don't  spoze  they  do.  I  hearn,  and  it  come  quite  straight,  too, 
that  it  is  a  dretful  city  for  folks  to  act  and  behave,  though  it 
used  us  real  well. 

It  has  a  good  many  theatres  and  has  a  large  museum 
where  I  would  be  glad  to  spent  more  time  than  I  did.  Dret 
ful  interestin'  to  me  wuz  the  rich  frescoes  and  marbles  dug 
up  in  the  buried  cities.  Just  to  think  on't  how  long  they 
stayed  down  there  under  the  ground,  and  now  come  out 
lookin'  as  well  as  ever  whilst  the  Love  or  the  Ambition  that 
carved  the  exquisite  lines  have  gone  away  so  fur  that  we 
can't  foller  'em ;  way  into  some  other  planet,  mebby.  Bronze 
statutes,  the  finest  collection  in  the  world  they  say,  and  all 
sorts  of  weapons,  Etruscian  vases,  coins,  tablets,  marbles, 
ornaments  of  all  kinds  enough  to  make  your  head  feel  dizzy 
to  glance  at  'em. 

Some  of  the  statutes  I  didn't  want  Josiah  to  see;  they 
wuzn't  dressed  decent  to  appear  in  company,  but  then  agin 
I  knew  he  wuz  a  perfessor  and  had  always  read  about  the 
Garden  of  Eden  and  Eve  when  she  and  Adam  first  took  the 
place  and  wuz  so  scanty  on't  for  clothes,  but  I  didn't  like 
their  looks.  Miss  Meechim  thought  they  wuz  genteel  and 
called  it  high  art,  'and  Josiah,  for  a  wonder,  agreed  with  her ; 
they  hardly  ever  think  alike. 

But  I  sez,  "  Josiah  Allen,  while  I  am  a  livin'  woman,  and 
a  Methodist  sister,  you  never  will  be  sculped  with  nothin'  but 
a  towel  hung  over  one  arm,  not  even  a  paper  collar  on,  and," 
sez  I,  "  what  should  we  think  to  go  into  a  photograph 
gallery  to  home  and  see  Sister  Bobbett  and  Sister  Gowdey 
portrayed  with  a  little  mosquiter  nettin'  slung  over  one 
shoulder?  "  Sez  I,  "  It  would  be  the  town's  talk  and  ort  to 
be — you  can  call  it  high  art,  Miss  Meechim,  if  you  want  to, 
but  I  shall  always  call  it  low  art." 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    377 

Miss  Meechim  murmured  sunthin'  about  its  bein'  genteel, 
and  Josiah  looked  round  and  didn't  pay  the  attention  to  my 
earnest  words  that  he  ort  to.  I  believe  they  did  for  a  spell 
shet  up  them  statters  of  Venus,  but  they  had  let  'em  out 
agin  when  we  wuz  there.  There  wuz  one  statter  of  a  woman 
with  the  top  of  her  head  and  her  arms  off.  Josiah  said  to 
me: 

"  The  idee  of  puttin'  that  poor  cripple  in  here  amongst 
decent  lookin'  wimmen ;  if  they  pictured  her  at  all  they  ought 
to  pictured  her  as  bein'  carried  to  a  hosspital." 

Miss  Meechim  wuz  nigh  by  and  I  see  she  had  gone  almost 
into  spazzums  of  admiration  over  it,  and  on  our  family's 
account,  didn't  want  to  fall  too  low  down  in  her  estimation, 
so  I  wunk  at  him  and  whispered,  "  Josiah,  that  is  the  cele 
brated  Sikey;  it  is  the  proper  thing  to  fall  into  extacies  of 
admiration  and  wonder  when  you  see  it."  And  I  as  I  say 
not  wantin'  to  demean  myself  any  further  before  Miss 
Meechim,  put  up  my  two  hands  in  an  attitude  of  wonder, 
but  which  she  could  take  for  admiration  if  she  wanted  to,  but 
I  didn't  say  it  wuz. 

But  Josiah  sez,  "  Catch  me  a  praisin'  up  a  no  armed 
female,  one  who  has  been  scalped,  too,  in  the  bargain." 

I  hope  Miss  Meechim  didn't  hear  him.  She  always 
praised  just  what  wuz  proper  to  praise,  she  always  read  in  her 
guide  book  just  what  she  ought  to  admire  and  then  pro 
ceeded  to  admire  it  to  once.  As  she  boasted  her  mind  wuz 
a  eminently  conservative  and  genteel  mind. 

As  for  me  my  mind  and  sperit  loved  to  grope  around 
more  and  find  out  things  to  praise  and  blame  by  rote  and 
not  by  note,  and  Dorothy  and  Robert  Strong  was  same 
so. 

Arvilly  wuz  more  bent  on  disseminatin'  her  books  to 
help  and  instruct,  and  would  have  canvassed  Michael  Angelo 
himself  for  the  "  Twin  Crimes,"  turning  her  back  onto  his 
most  wonderful  creations.  As  for  Josiah,  a  wild  goat  leapin' 
through  museums  and  picture  galleries  couldn't  have  been 


378      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

more  scornful  of  contemporaneous  judgment  exceptin'  when 
he  tried  to  be  fashionable. 

Dear  little  Tommy  would  wander  round  with  his  arms 
clasped  behind  him  under  his  velvet  jacket  and  wonner  at 
things  to  himself,  and  I  spoze  Carabi  walked  up  and  down 
beside  him  though  we  couldn't  see  him.  Sometimes  I  felt 
kinder  conscience  smitten  to  think  I  couldn't  honestly  admire 
what  seemed  to  be  the  proper  thing  to,  and  then  agin  I 
kinder  leaned  up  agin  the  memory  of  John  Ruskin  and  how 
he  liked  in  art  what  he  did  like,  and  not  what  it  was  fashion 
able  to,  and  I  felt  comforted. 

One  day,  tired  out  with  sightseein'  and  havin'  sunthin' 
of  a  headache,  I  stayed  to  home  while  all  the  rest  of  the 
party  went  out  and  Miss  Meechim  invited  me  into  their 
settin'-room  as  it  wuz  cooler  there,  so  I  had  sot  there  for 
some  time  readin'  a  good  book  and  enjoyin'  my  poor  health 
as  well  as  I  could,  when  a  card  wuz  brung  in  for  Robert 
Strong.  I  told  the  hall  boy  that  he  wuz  out  but  wuz  expected 
back  soon,  and  in  a  few  minutes  he  come  back  usherin'  in 
a  good  lookin'  man  who  said  he  wuz  anxious  to  see  him  on 
business  and  that  he  would  wait  for  him.  I  knowed  him 
from  his  picture  as  well  as  his  card;  it  wuz  Mr.  Astofeller,  a 
multi-millionaire,  who  had  got  his  enormous  wealth  from 
trusts  and  monopolies. 

I  couldn't  go  back  into  my  room  for  Josiah  had  the  key, 
and  so  we  introduced  ourselves  and  had  quite  a  agreeable 
visit,  when  all  of  a  sudden  right  whilst  we  wuz  talkin'  polite 
and  agreeable  two  long  strings  dangled  down  in  front  of 
the  eyes  of  my  soul,  strings  I  had  often  clung  to.  Well  I 
knowed  'em,  and  I  sez  to  myself  almost  wildly : 

Oh,  Duty!  must  I  cling  to  thy  apron-strings  here  and 
now,  enjoyin'  as  I  do  poor  health  and  in  another  woman's 
room  ?  For  reply,  them  strings  dangled  down  lower  yet,  and 
I  had  to  reach  up  the  arms  of  my  sperit  and  gently  but  firmly 
grip  holt  on  'em  and  stiddy  myself  on  'em  whilst  I  tackled 
him  on  the  subject  of  monopolies,  having  some  hopes  I  comd 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     379 

convert  him  and  make  him  give  'em  up  then  and  there  and 
turn  round  and  be  on  the  Lord's  side. 

And  bein'  so  dretful  anxious  to  convince  him,  I  begun 
some  as  the  M.  E.  ministers  sometimes  do  in  a  low,  still 
voice,  gradually  risin'  higher  and  deeper  and  more  earnest. 
I  told  him  my  idees  of  trusts  and  monopolies  and  what  a 
danger  I  thought  they  wuz  to  individual  and  national  life. 
And  I  described  the  feelin's  I  felt  to  see  such  droves  of  poor 
people  out  of  work  and  starvin'  for  the  necessaries  of  life, 
whilst  a  few  wuz  pilin'  up  enormous  and  onneeded  wealth, 
and  I  sez : 

"  Mr.  Astofeller,  what  good  does  it  do  to  heap  up  such 
a  lot  of  money  jest  to  think  you  own  it  and  hide  it  from  the 
tax  collector?  And  bring  up  your  daughters  to  luxury  and 
foolish  display,  their  gole  being  to  give  you  a  titled  son-in-law 
who  will  bend  down  toward  you  from  his  eminence  jest  fur 
enough  to  reach  your  pockets,  and  if  you  refuse  to  have  them 
emptied  too  many  times  you  will  anon  or  oftener  have  your 
daughter  returned  to  you,  her  beauty  eat  up  by  sorrow,  her 
ears  tinglin'  and  heart  burnin'  with  experiences  a  poor  girl 
would  never  know.  And  bring  up  your  sons  to  idleness  and 
temptation,  when  you  know,  Mr.  Astofeller,  that  it  is  Earnest 
Toil,  wise-headed,  hard-handed  step-ma,  that  goads  her  sons 
on  to  labor  and  success.  And  it  is  not,  as  a  rule,  the  sons 
of  millionaires  who  are  our  great  men.  It  is  the  sons  of 
Labor  and  Privation  that  hold  the  prizes  of  life  to-day  and 
will  to-morrow." 

And  sez  I,  reasonable :  "  What  is  the  use,  Mr.  Astofeller, 
of  so  much  money,  anyway?  You  can't  ride  in  but  one 
buggy  at  a  time,  or  wear  more  than  one  coat  and  vest,  or 
sleep  on  more  than  one  bed  and  three  pillers  at  the  outside, 
or  eat  more  than  three  meals  a  day  with  any  comfort,  so  why 
not  let  poorer  folks  have  a  chance  to  eat  one  meal  a  day — 
lots  of  'em  would  be  tickled  to  death  to. 

"  Our  Lord  said :  '  Take  no  thought  for  the  morrow  what 
ye  shall  eat  or  what  ye  shall  drink; '  and  He  must  have  meant 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

that  the  time  wuz  comin'  when  juster  laws  should  prevail, 
when  Mammon  should  yield  to  Mercy  and  plunder  changed 
to  plenty  for  all  and  no  burden  of  riches  for  any.  The  Bible 
sez  that  in  those  days  when  the  pure  influence  of  Jesus  still 
rested  on  his  disciples  that  they  had  everything  in  common." 

Sez  Mr.  Astofeller,  "  Start  ten  men  out  rich  Monday 
morning,  and  nine  of  them  would  be  poor  Saturday  night, 
and  the  tenth  one  would  own  the  money  of  all  the  rest." 

And  I  sez :  "  I  presoom  so,  if  they  had  their  own  way, 
and  that  is  a  big  argument  to  prove  that  there  ought  to  be  a 
wise  head  and  a  merciful  hand  at  the  helium  to  look  out  for 
the  hull  on  'em.  A  good  father  and  mother  with  a  big  family 
of  children  takes  care  of  the  hull  on  'em.  And  if  one  is 
miserly  and  one  a  spendthrift  and  one  a  dissipator  and  one 
over-ambitious  they  watch  over  'em  and  curb  these  different 
traits  of  theirn  and  adjust  'em  to  the  good  of  all  and  the 
honor  of  their  pa  and  ma.  They  spur  on  the  indolent  and 
improvident,  hold  back  the  greedy  and  ambitious,  watch 
and  see  that  the  careless  and  good-natured  don't  git  trod  on, 
nor  the  strong  make  slaves  of  the  weaker.  The  feeble  are 
protected,  temptations  are  kept  out  of  the  way  of  the  feeble 
wills;  the  honest,  industrious  ones  hain't  allowed  to  perish 
for  want  of  work  they  would  gladly  do,  and  the  strong,  keen 
witted  ones  hain't  allowed  to  steal  from  the  onfaculized  ones. 
Why,  how  it  would  look  for  that  pa  to  let  some  of  his  children 
heap  up  more  money  than  they  could  use,  whilst  some  of  the 
children  wuz  starvin'  ?  It  would  make  talk  and  ort  to." 

Mr.  Astofeller  said,  "  Millionaires  are  very  charitable ; 
look  at  their  generous  gifts  on  every  side." 

And  I  sez,  "  Yes,  that's  so ;  but  Charity,  though  she's 
a  good  creeter  and  well  thought  on,  hain't  so  good  as  Justice 
in  lots  of  places." 

He  sez,  "  We  give  big  gifts  to  the  churches." 

And  I  sez,  "  Yes,  I  know  it ;  but  do  you  think  that  the 
Lord  is  goin'  to  think  any  better  on  you  for  raisin'  up  costly 
temples  sacred  to  the  Lord  who  specially  said  in  his  first 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     381 

sermon  that  he  had  come  to  preach  the  Gospel  to  the  poor, 
give  sight  to  the  blind,  set  at  liberty  them  that  are  bound? 
As  it  is  you  rare  up  magnificent  temples  and  hire  eloquent 
clergymen  to  preach  the  doctrine  that  condemns  you  if  they 
preach  the  Bible,  which  a  good  many  on  'em  do.  For  you 
must  remember  what  it  sez : 

"  If  you  who  have  plenty  give  not  to  your  brother  in  need, 
how  dwelleth  the  love  of  God  in  you?  And  if  you  have  two 
coats  and  your  poorer  brother  has  none,  you  ort  to  give  him 
your  second  best  one.  And  you  kneel  down  on  your  soft 
hassocks  and  pray  all  your  enormous,  needless  wealth  away 
from  you,  for  you  pray,  '  Thy  kingdom  come/  which  you 
know  is  the  kingdom  of  love  and  equality  and  justice,  and 
'  Thy  will  be  done  on  earth  as  it  is  in  heaven,'  when  you 
know  that  God's  will  is  mercy,  pity  and  love.  And  '  Give  us 
our  daily  bread,'  when  you  must  know  that  you  are  takin' 
it  right  out  of  the  mouths  of  the  poor  when  you  are  makin' 
your  big  corners  on  wheat  and  meat,  and  freezin'  the  widder 
and  orphan  when  you  make  your  corners  on  coal." 

Sez  I,  "  Look  at  Robert  Strong's  City  of  Justice.  Love, 
peace  and  happiness  rains  there.  Every  workman  is  content, 
for  he  has  his  pay  for  his  labor  and  a  fair  percentage  on 
profits.  If  the  factory  is  prosperous  the  workman  knows 
that  he  gets  just  as  much  accordin'  for  the  work  he  puts  in  as 
if  he  owned  the  hull  thing,  and  it  is  for  his  advantage  to  give 
good  work  and  help  it  along  all  he  can. 

"  Intemperance  is  not  allowed  to  show  its  hoof  and  horns 
inside  that  city,  for  that  would  be  injustice  to  the  weak-willed 
and  their  families.  Greed  and  plunder  and  the  whiskey  power 
has  to  stay  outside,  for  the  Bible  sez  without  are  dogs. 

"  Robert  Strong  might  wring  all  the  money  he  could 
from  these  workmen,  wrop  himself  in  a  jewelled  robe  and  set 
up  in  a  gold  chair  and  look  down  on  the  bent  forms  of 
the  poor,  sweating  and  groaning  and  striking  and  starving 
below  him.  But  he  don't  want  to.  He  is  down  there  right 
by  the  side  of  'em.  Capital  and  labor  walking  side  by  side 


382      AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

some  like  the  lion  and  the  lamb.  He  has  enough  for  his 
wants,  and  they  have  enough  for  their  wants,  and  there  is 
mutual  good-will  there  and  peace  and  happiness.  Hain't 
that  better  than  discontent  and  envy  and  despair,  bloody 
riots  and  revolutions?  Cold,  selfish,  greedy  Capital  clutching 
its  money-bags,  and  cowering  and  hiding  away  from  starvin' 
infuriated  strikers." 

Sez  I,  growin'  real  eloquent,  "  Monopoly  is  the  great 
American  brigand  hid  in  the  black  forest  of  politics.  It  has 
seized  Labor  in  its  clutches  and  wrings  a  ransom  out  of 
every  toiler  in  the  land. 

"  Monopoly  steals  out  of  Uncle  Sam's  pocket  with  one 
hand  and  with  the  other  clutches  the  bread-money  out  of 
the  tremblin'  weak  fingers  of  the  poor.  Is  our  law,"  sez  I, 
"  a  travesty,  a  vain  sham,  that  a  man  that  steals  millions  for 
greed  goes  unpunished,  while  a  man  who  steals  a  loaf  to  keep 
his  children  from  starvin'  is  punished  by  our  laws  and  scorfed 
at?  Monopoly  makes  the  poor  pay  tribute  on  every  loaf 
of  bread  and  bucket  of  coal,  and  the  govermunt  looks  on 
and  helps  it.  Shame !  shame  that  it  is  so !  " 

Sez  Mr.  Astofeller,  "  Where  would  the  world  be  to-day 
if  it  wuzn't  for  rich  people  building  railroads,  stringing  tele 
graph  and  telephone  wires,  binding  the  cities  and  continents 
together?  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  I  set  store  by  what  they've  done,  just  as 
I  do  on  them  good  old  creeters  who  used  to  carry  the  mails 
in  their  saddle-bags  for  so  much  a  year.  Folks  felt  tickled 
to  death,  I  spoze,  when  they  could  send  a  letter  by  some 
body  for  10  cents  a  letter.  And  it  wuz  a  great  improvement 
on  havin'  to  write  and  send  it  by  hum  labor,  a  boy  and  a  ox 
team.  But  when  I  see  Uncle  Sam  can  carry  'em  for  two 
cents  and  one  cent  a-piece,  why  I  can't  help  favorin'  the  idee 
of  givin'  Uncle  Sam  the  job.  And  if  he  can  carry  letters 
so  much  cheaper  why  can't  he  carry  packages  at  just  the 
same  reduced  rate,  and  talk  over  the  wires,  etc.,  etc.  ? 

"  Not  that  I  look  down  on  them  saddle-bags — fur  from 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  8 1  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     383 

it — I  honor  'em  and  I  honor  the  rich  men  that  have  cut  iron 
roads  through  continents,  mountain  and  abyss,  honor  them 
that  have  made  talkin'  under  the  ocean  possible  and  through 
the  pathless  air.  Yes,  indeed,  I  honor  'em  from  nearly  the 
bottom  of  my  heart.  But  I  would  honor  'em  still  more  if 
they  should  now  all  on  'em  stand  up  in  a  row  before  Uncle 
Sam,  and  say,  We  have  done  all  we  could  to  help  the  people 
(and  ourselves  at  the  same  time),  and  now  as  we  see  that 
you  can  help  'em  still  more  than  we  can,  we  turn  our  im 
provements  all  over  into  your  hands  to  use  for  the  people, 
for  you  can  make  travel  jest  as  much  cheaper  as  letter  car- 
ryin',  and  do  it  just  as  peaceable.  Why,  what  a  stir  it  would 
make  on  earth  and  in  heaven,  and  Uncle  Sam  would  see 
that  they  didn't  lose  anything  by  it.  He'd  see  jest  what  a 
grand  thing  they  wuz  doin',  and  pay  'em  well  for  it.  And 
these  rich  men,  instead  of  leavin'  their  wealth  in  bags  of 
greenbacks  for  moth  and  rust  and  lawyers  to  corrupt,  and 
fightin'  heirs  to  break  through  their  wills  and  steal,  would 
leave  it  in  grateful  memories  and  a  niche  in  history  where 
their  benine  faces  would  stand  up  with  all  the  great  benefac 
tors  of  the  race.  Hain't  that  better,  Mr.  Astofeller,  than  to 
leave  jest  money  for  a  fashionable  wife  and  golf-playin'  sons 
to  run  through  ?  " 

Mr.  Astofeller  said  he  believed  it  wuz  better;  he  looked 
real  convinced.  And  seein'  him  in  this  softened  frame  of 
mind  I  went  on  and  brung  up  a  number  of  incidents  provin' 
that  the  great  folks  of  the  past  had  held  a  good  many  of  my 
idees  in  regard  to  wealth.  I  reminded  him  of  Mr.  Cincin- 
natus  who  did  so  much  to  make  Rome  glorious,  when  the 
public  sought  him  out  for  honors  (he  not  a-prancin'  through 
the  country  with  torch-light  processions  and  a  brass  band, 
talkin'  himself  hoarse,  and  lavishin'  money  to  git  it),  no 
indeed,  when  they  sought  him  for  a  candidate  for  public 
honors  they  found  him  a  not  fixin'  up  the  primarys  and  buyin' 
bosses,  but  ploughin'  away,  just  as  peaceable  as  his  oxen, 
workin'  on  his  own  little  farm  of  four  acres.  He  wuz  satis- 


384     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

fied  with  makin'  enough  to  live  on.  Live  and  let  live  was  his 
motto. 

"  And  Mr.  Regulus,  the  leader  of  the  great  Roman  forces, 
wuz  satisfied  with  his  little  farm  of  seven  acres,  creepin'  up 
a  little  in  amount  from  four  to  seven.  But  it  wuzn't  till 
long,  long  afterwards  that  the  rich  grew  enormously  rich 
and  the  poor  poorer,  and  what  a  man  had  wuz  honored  in 
stead  of  what  he  wuz.  Over  and  over  the  drama  has  been 
played  out,  moderation  and  contentment,  luxury  and  dis 
content,  revolution  and  ruin,  but  I  did  hope  that  our  repub 
lic,  havin'  more  warnin's  and  nigher  the  millenium,  wouldn't 
go  the  same  old  jog  trot  up,  up — up,  and  down,  down,  down. 
I  wuz  some  in  hopes  they  would  hear  to  me,  but  I  d'no." 

I  could  see  that  Mr.  Astofeller  wuz  greatly  impressed  by 
what  I  said.  I  see  he  took  out  his  watch  a  number  of  times, 
wantin'  to  see,  I  mistrusted,  the  exact  minute  that  I  said 
different  things.  He  wuz  jest  like  the  rest  of  them  million 
aires,  a  first-rate  lookin'  and  actin'  creeter  when  you  git  down 
to  the  real  man,  but  run  away  with  by  Ambition  and  Greed, 
a  span  that  will  take  the  bits  in  their  mouth  and  dash  off 
and  carry  any  one  further  than  they  mean  to  be  carried.  He 
didn't  say  so  right  out  but  he  kinder  gin  me  to  understand 
that  I'd  convinced  him  more'n  a  little.  And  I  am  lookin' 
every  day  to  see  him  make  a  dicker  with  Uncle  Sam  (a  good- 
hearted  creeter  too  as  ever  lived  Uncle  Sam  is,  only  led  away 
sometimes  by  bad  councillors),  yes,  I  expect  he  will  make 
a  dicker  with  Uncle  Sam  for  the  good  of  the  public  and 
hasten  on  the  day  of  love  and  justice.  I  am  lookin'  for  it 
and  prayin'  for  it ;  in  fact  the  hull  world  is  prayin'  for  it  every 
day  whether  they  know  it  or  not  when  they  pray  "  Thy  king 
dom  come." 

But  to  resoom:  Robert  Strong  and  Josiah  come  back 
almost  simeltaneously,  and  I  don't  know  what  Mr.  Asto- 
feller's  bizness  wuz  with  Robert,  sunthin'  about  California 
affairs,  I  guess,  mebby  politics  or  sunthin'.  But  'tennyrate, 
if  it  wuz  anything  out  of  the  way  I  know  he  would  never  get 
Robert  to  jine  in  with  him. 


CHAPTER    XXXI 

ROM  Naples  we  went  to  Athens,  Dorothy 
wantin'  to  see  Greece  while  she  was  so  nigh 
to  it,  and  Robert  Strong  wantin'  just  what  she 
did  every  time.  And  Miss  Meechim  sayin'  that 
it  would  be  a  pity  to  go  home  and  not  be  able 
to  say  that  we  had  been  to  what  wuz  once  the  most  learned 
and  genteel  place  in  the  hull  world. 

"  Yes,"  sez  Josiah,  "  I'd  love  to  tell  Elder  Minkley  and 
the  brethern  I'd  been  there." 

And  Miss  Meechim  went  on  to  say  that  she  wanted  to  see 
the  Acropolis  and  the  Hall  of  the  Nymphs  and  the  Muses. 

And  Josiah  told  me  that  "  they  wuz  nobody  he  had  ever 
neighbored  with  and  didn't  know  as  he  wanted  to." 

I  guess  Miss  Meechim  didn't  hear  him  for  she  went  on 
and  said,  "  Athens  wuz  named  from  Athena,  the  goddess 
Minerva." 

And  Josiah  whispered  to  me  "  to  know  if  it  wuz  Minerva 
Slimpsey,  Simon's  oldest  sister." 

And  I  sez,  "  No,  this  Minerva,  from  what  I've  hearn 
of  her,  knew  more  than  the  hull  Slimpsey  family,"  sez  I. 
"  She  wuz  noted  for  her  wisdom  and  knowledge,  and  I 
spoze,"  sez  I,  "  that  she  wuz  the  daughter  of  Jupiter." 

Josiah  said  Jupiter  wuz  nobody  he  ever  see,  though  he 
wuz  familiar  with  his  name.  And  I'd  hearn  on  him  too  when 
Josiah  smashed  his  finger  or  slipped  up  on  the  ice  or  any 
thing,  not  that  I  wanted  to  in  that  tone.  Arvilly  thought 
mebby  she  could  canvass  the  royal  family  or  some  on  'em, 
and  Tommy  wuz  willin'  to  go  to  any  new  place,  and  I  spoze 
Carabi  wuz  too.  And  I  said  I  wanted  to  stand  on  Mars' 
Hill,  where  Paul  preached  to  the  people  about  idolatry  and 

25 


886     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

their  worship  of  the  Unknown  God.  As  we  sailed  along  the 
shores  Dorothy  spoke  of  Sapho.  Poor  creeter!  I  wuz  al 
ways  sorry  for  her.  You  know  she  wuz  disappointed,  and 
bein'  love-sick  and  discouraged  she  writ  some  poetry  and 
drownded  herself  some  time  ago. 

And  Robert  Strong  talked  a  good  deal  to  Dorothy  about 
Plato  and  Homer  and  Xenophon  and  Euripides,  Sophocles, 
Phidias,  and  Socrates — and  lots  more  of  them  old  worthies ; 
folks,  Josiah  remarked  to  me,  that  had  never  lived  any 
where  round  Jonesville  way,  he  knew  by  the  names.  And 
Dorothy  quoted  some  poetry  beginning: 

"  The  isles  of  Greece,  the  isles  of  Greece." 

And  Robert  quoted  some  poetry.  I  know  two  lines  of  it 
run: 

"  Maid  of  Athens,  ere  we  part, 
Give,  O,  give  me  back  my  heart." 

But  his  eyes  wuzn't  on  Athens  at  all.  They  wuz  on  Dor 
othy,  and  her  face  flushed  up  as  rosy  a  pink  as  ever  Miss 
Sapho's  did  when  she  wuz  keepin'  company. 

After  we  left  the  boat  we  rode  over  a  level  plain  with 
green  trees  by  the  wayside  till  we  reached  Athens  and  put 
up  at  a  good  tarven.  Athens,  "  The  eye  of  Greece,"  mother 
of  arts  and  eloquence,  wuz  built  in  the  first  place  round  the 
Acropolis,  a  hill  about  three  hundred  feet  high,  and  is  a  place 
that  has  seen  twice  as  many  ups  and  downs  as  Jonesville. 
But  then  it's  older,  three  or  four  thousand  years  older,  I 
spoze,  and  has  had  a  dretful  time  on't  since  Mr.  Theseus's 
day,  take  it  with  its  archons  or  rulers,  kings  and  generals, 
and  Turks,  Goths  and  Franks,  etc. 

But  it  become  the  fountainhead  of  learning  and  civiliza 
tion,  culture  and  education  of  the  mind  and  the  body.  In 
that  age  of  health  and  beauty,  study  and  exercise,  the  wim- 
men  didn't  wear  any  cossets,  consequently  they  could  breathe 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    387 

deep  breaths  and  enjoy  good  health,  and  had  healthy  little 
babies  that  they  brought  up  first-rate  as  fur  as  the  enjoyment 
of  good  health  goes,  and  Arvilly  said  she  knew  they  didn't 
drink  to  excess  from  the  looks  of  their  statutes. 

Athens  also  claims  to  be  one  of  the  birthplaces  of  Homer, 
that  good  old  blind  poet.  Robert  Strong  talked  quite  a  good 
deal  about  his  poems,  the  Iliad  and  the  Odyssy  or  the  return 
of  Ulysses  Odysses  to  his  native  land. 

Josiah  paid  great  attention  to  it,  and  afterwards  he  con 
fided  to  me  that  he  thought  of  writin'  a  Jodyssy  or  the  return 
of  Josiah  to  Jonesville.  He  said  when  he  recounted  all  his 
wanderin's  and  tribulations  on  the  road  and  at  tarvens  with 
starvation  and  tight  clothes  and  all  the  other  various  ham 
pers  he'd  been  hampered  with  he  said  that  it  would  beat 
that  old  Odyssy  to  nothin'  and  nobody  would  ever  look  at  it 
agin.  "  Why,"  sez  he,  "  jest  think  how  old  that  is,  most  a 
thousand  years  B.  C.  It  is  time  another  wuz  writ,  and  I'm 
the  one  to  write  it." 

But  I  shall  try  to  talk  him  out  of  it.  He  said  he  shouldn't 
begin  it  till  our  return  to  Jonesville,  so  Ury  could  help  him 
in  measurin'  the  lines  with  a  stick.  And  when  I  am  once 
mistress  of  my  own  cook-stove  and  buttery  I  have  one  of  the 
most  powerful  weepons  in  the  world  to  control  my  pardner 
with. 

I  hain't  no  great  case  to  carry  round  relics,  but  I  told  Jo 
siah  that  I  would  give  a  dollar  bill  quick  if  I  could  git  holt 
of  that  old  lantern  that  Diogenes  used  to  carry  round  here 
in  the  streets  in  broad  daylight  to  find  Truth  with.  How  I'd 
love  to  seen  Mr.  Diogenes  and  asked  him  if  he  ever  found  her. 

Josiah  said  he  would  ruther  own  his  wash-tub  that  he 
used  to  travel  round  in.  And  which  he  wuz  settin'  in  when 
Alexander  the  Great  asked  him  what  costly  gift  he  could 
bestow  on  him.  And  all  that  contented,  independent  creeter 
asked  for  wuz  to  have  the  king  not  git  between  him  and 
the  sun. 

He  snubbed  Plato,  too;  didn't  want  anything,  only  his 


388     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

tub  and  his  lantern  and  hunt  round  for  a  honest  man,  though 
I  don't  see  how  he  got  round  in  it.  But  Josiah  sez  the  tub 
wuz  on  castors,  and  he  had  a  idee  of  -havin'  our  old  washtub 
fixed  up  and  go  to  Washington,  D.  C,  in  it  with  our  old  tin 
lantern,  jest  to  be  uneek  and  hunt  round  there  for  an  honest 
man. 

Sez  I  middlin'  dry,  "  You  may  have  to  go  further,  Jo 
siah."  But  I  shan't  encourage  him  in  it.  And  our  wash-tub 
wouldn't  hold  him  up  anyway;  the  hoops  had  sprung  loose 
before  I  left  home. 

At  the  southwest  of  Athens  is-  the  Mount  Hymettus.  I'd 
hearrf  a  sight  about  its  honey.  Josiah  thought  he  would  love 
to  buy  a  swarm  of  bees  there,  but  I  asked  him  how  could  he 
carry  'em  to  Jonesville.  He  said  that  if  he  could  learn  'em 
to  fly  ahead  on  us  he  could  do  it.  But  he  can't. 

The  road  west  wuz  Eulusas,  the  Sacred  Way.  And  to 
the  north  wuz  the  Academy  of  Plato,  and  that  of  Aristotle 
wuz  not  fur  away.  One  day  I  see  there  on  an  old  altar, 
"  Sacred  to  either  a  god  or  goddess."  They  believed  in  the 
rights  of  wimmen,  them  old  Pagans  did,  which  shows  there 
is  good  in  everything. 

And  how  smart  Socrates  wuz;  I  always  sot  store  by  him, 
he  wuz  a  good  talker  and  likely  in  a  good  many  ways,  though 
I  spoze  he  and  his  wife  didn't  live  agreeable,  and  there  might 
have  been  blame  on  both  sides  and  probable  wuz.  How 
calm  'he  wuz  when  on  trial  for  his  life,  and  when  he  had 
drunk  the  hemlock,  sayin'  to  his  accusers: 

"  I  go  to  death  and  you  to  life ;  but  which  of  the  twain 
is  better  is  known  only  to  Divinity." 

And  Mr.  Plato;  don't  it  seem  as  if  that  old  Pagan's 
words  wuz  prophetic  of  Christ  when  he  spoke  of  an  inspired 
teacher : 

"  This  just  person  must  be  poor,  void  of  all  qualifica 
tions  save  virtue.  A  wicked  world  will  not  bear  his  instruc 
tions  and  reproofs.  And  therefore  within  three  or  four 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J08IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    389 

years  after  he  begun  to  preach  he  should  be  persecuted,  im 
prisoned,  scourged,  and  at  last  put  to  death." 

Hundreds  of  years  after,  Paul  preaching  the  religion  of 
Christ  Jesus,  met  the  Epicurians  and  Stoics  representing 
Pleasure  and  Pride.  Strong  foes  that  religion  has  to  contend 
with  now.  Then  he  addressed  the  multitude  from  the  Are 
opagus,  Mars'  Hill. 

What  feelin's  I  felt;  how  real  and  nigh  to  my  heart  his 
incomparable  sermon  that  he  preached  in  that  place  seemed 
to  be  as  I  stood  there.  I  thought  of  how  the  cultured, 
beauty-loving  nature  of  Paul  must  have  been  affected  by 
his  surroundings  as  he  stood  there  in  the  midst  of  statutes 
and  altars  to  Apollo,  Venus,  Bacchus.  The  colossial  golden 
figure  of  Minerva,  holdin'  in  her  outstretched  right  hand  a 
statute  of  victory,  four  cubits  high.  So  big  and  glorious- 
lookin'  Minerva  wuz  that  her  glitterin'  helmet  and  shield 
could  be  seen  fur  out  to  sea.  The  statute  of  Neptune  on 
horseback  hurling  his  tridant;  the  temple  to  Ceres  and  all 
the  gods  and  goddesses  they  knew  on  and  to  the  Unknown 
God.  Here  Paul  stood  surrounded  by  all  these  temples  so 
magnificent  that  jest  the  gateway  to  'em  cost  what  would 
be  ten  million  dollars  in  our  money. 

Here  in  the  face  of  all  this  glory  he  stood  up  and  de 
clared  that  the  true  God,  "  Lord  of  heaven  and  earth  dwelt 
not  in  temples  made  with  hands."  And  he  went  on  to  preach 
the  truth  in  Christ  Jesus:  repentance,  remission  of  sin,  the 
resurrection  of  the  dead.  Some  mocked  and  some  put  him 
off  by  saying  they  would  hear  him  again  of  this  matter. 
They  felt  so  proud,  their  glory  and  magnificence  seemed  so 
sure  and  enduring,  their  learning,  art  and  accomplishments 
seemed  so  fur  above  this  obscure  teacher  of  a  new  religion. 

But  there  I  stood  on  the  crumbling  ruins  of  all  this  gran 
deur  and  art.  And  the  God  of  Paul  that  they  had  scorned  to 
"  feel  after  if  haply  they  might  find  him,"  wuz  dominating  the 
hull  world,  bringing  it  to  the  knowledge  of  Christ  Jesus: 
"  The  gold  and  silver  and  stone  wrought  by  many  hands  " 


390     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

had  crumbled  away  while  the  invisible  wuz  the  real,  the 
truth  wuz  sure  and  would  abide  forever.  How  real  it  all 
seemed  to  me  as  I  stood  there  and  my  soul  listened  and  be 
lieved  like  Dionysos  and  Damarus! 

The  market  place  wuz  just  below  Mars'  Hill,  and  I  spoze 
the  people  talked  it  over  whilst  they  wuz  buyin'  and  sellin' 
there,  about  a  strange  man  who  had  come  preachin'  a  new 
doctrine  and  who  had  asked  to  speak  to  the  people.  It  sez, 
"  His  heart  was  stirred  within  him  and  he  taught  them  about 
the  true  God  "  in  the  synagogue  and  market-place.  As  we 
stood  there  in  that  hallowed  spot,  Miss  Meechim  said : 

"  Oh,  that  I  had  been  there  at  that  time  and  hearn  that 
convincin'  sermon,  how  glad  would  I  have  left  all  and  fol 
lowed  Him,  like  Dionysos  and  Damarus." 

"  Well,  I  d'no,"  sez  Arvilly,  "  as  folks  are  any  more 
willin'  now  to  let  their  old  idols  of  Selfishness  and  Mammon 
go  and  renounce  the  faults  and  worship  the  truth  than  they 
wuz  then." 

Miss  Meechim  scorfed  at  the  idee,  but  I  pondered  it  in 
my  own  mind  and  wondered  how  many  there  really  wuz 
from  Jonesville  to  Chicago,  from  Maine  to  Florida,  ready  to 
believe  in  Him  and  work  for  the  Millenium. 

But  to  resoom.  The  Patessia  is  a  beautiful  avenoo,  the 
royal  family  drive  there  every  day  and  the  nobility  and  fash 
ionable  people.  The  Greek  ladies  wear  very  bright  clothing 
in  driving  or  walking.  The  road  looks  sometimes  like  a  bed 
of  moving  blossoms. 

As  in  most  every  place  where  we  travelled,  Robert  Strong 
met  someone  he  knew.  Here  wuz  a  gentleman  he  had  en 
tertained  in  California,  and  he  gave  a  barbecue  or  picnic 
for  us  at  Phalareum.  A  special  train  took  the  guests  to  it. 
There  wuz  about  thirty  guests  from  Athens.  The  table 
wuz  laid  in  a  pavilion  clost  to  the  sea  shore  covered  with 
vines,  evergreens  and  flowers.  Four  lambs  wuz  roasted  hull 
and  coffee  wuz  made  in  a  boiler,  choice  fruits  and  foods  were 
served  and  wines  for  them  that  wanted  'em.  It  is  needless 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     391 

to  say  that  I  didn't  partake  on't,  and  Josiah,  I'm  proud  to 
say,  under  my  watchful  eyes,  refused  to -look  on  it  when  it 
wuz  red,  and  Arvilly  and  Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  turned 
down  their  glasses  on  the  servant's  approach  bearin'  the 
bottles. 

Everything  wuz  put  on  the  table  to  once  and  a  large  piece 
of  bread  to  each  plate.  No  knives  or  forks  are  used  at  a 
barbecue.  We  had  sweetmeats,  rose  leaf  glyco,  oranges  and 
all  kinds  of  fruit.  The  way  they  roast  a  lamb  at  a  barbecue 
— two  large  lambs  are  placed  about  four  feet  apart,  the  lamb 
pierced  lengthwise  by  a  long  pointed  stick  is  hung  over  the 
bed  of  live  coals.  They  turn  and  baste  it  with  olive  oil  and 
salt  and  it  is  truly  delicious. 

One  pleasant  day  we  visited  the  King's  country  place. 
The  dining  room  wuz  a  pavilion  in  a  shady  spot  under  orange 
trees  full  of  fruit  and  blossoms  surrounded  with  a  dense 
hedge  of  evergreens,  vines  and  blossoms.  There  wuz  walks 
in  every  direction  bordered  with  lovely  flowers.  The 
Queen's  private  settin'  room  is  a  pretty  room,  the  furniture 
covered  with  pink  and  white  cretonne,  no  better  than  my 
lounge  is  covered  with  to  home  in  the  spare  room.  And 
in  a  little  corner,  hid  by  a  screen  of  photographs  wuz  her 
books  and  writing  desk.  The  maids  of  honor  had  rooms 
in  a  little  vine  covered  cottage  near  by. 

We  of  course  went  to  see  the  ruins  of  the  Parthenium, 
built  by  Pericles  and  ornamented  with  the  marbles  of  Phidias. 
It  wuz  finished  about  four  hundred  and  thirty  years  B.C. 
and  cost  about  four  millions  of  our  money.  A  great  Bishop 
once  said : 

"  This  was  the  finest  edifice  on  the  finest  site  in  the  world, 
hallowed  by  the  noblest  recollections  that  can  stimulate  the 
human  heart." 

It  stands  on  the  highest  point  of  the  Acropolis  and  wuz 
decorated  by  the  greatest  sculptor  the  world  ever  saw.  It 
stands  on  the  site  of  an  older  temple  to  Minerva.  They 
thought  a  sight  of  that  woman.  It  made  me  feel  well  to  see 


392     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

one  of  my  sect  so  highly  thought  on  though  I  did  not  ap 
prove  of  their  worshippin'  her  and  I  would  never  give  my 
consent  to  be  worshipped  on  a  monument,  not  for  the  world 
I  wouldn't — no,  indeed! 

Robert  Strong  wanted  to  go  to  see  the  ruins  of  the 
enormous  temple  of  Jupiter  where  chariot  race  >  were  run 
and  the  Olympic  games  wuz  fought  that  Paul  :  peaks  of  so 
many  times  in  his  letters  to  the  churches. 

But  time  wuz  passin'  fast  away  and  we  thought  best  to 
not  linger  there  any  longer  and  we  went  directly  from  there 
to  Vienna,  a  longer  journey  than  we  had  took  lately,  but 
Robert  thought  we  had  better  not  stop  on  the  way. 

Vienna  is  a  beautiful  city.  I  d'no  as  I  would  go  so  fur 
as  the  Viennesse  myself  and  say  it  is  the  most  beautiful  in 
the  world,  but  it  stands  up  high  amongst  'em. 

The  beautiful  blue  Danube  makes  a  curve  round  it  as  if 
it  wuz  real  choice  of  it  and  loved  to  hold  it  in  its  arms.  I 
say  blue  Danube,  but  its  wraters  are  no  more  blue  than  our 
Jonesville  creek  is  pink.  But  mebby  if  I  wuz  goin'  to  sing 
about  the  creek  I  might  call  it  blue  or  pink  for  poetical 
purposes. 

We  had  rooms  nigh  to  the  river,  the  banks  of  which  wuz 
terraced  down  to  the  water,  and  laid  out  in  little  parks,  pub 
lic  gardens  full  of  flowers  and  trees  and  flowering  shrubs. 

There  are  two  massive  stun  bridges  in  this  part  of  the  city, 
and  very  handsome  dwellin'  houses,  churches,  and  the 
Swartzenburg  palace.  The  buildings  are  very  handsome 
here,  more  lofty  and  grand  looking  even  than  they  are  in 
Paris,  and  you  know  you  would  imagine  that  wuz  the  flower 
of  the  universe,  and  I  needn't  mention  the  fact  that  I  had  to 
gin  into  it  that  it  goes  fur  beyend  Jonesville. 

The  street  called  the  Ring  Strasse,  I  spoze  because  it 
curves  round  some  like  a  ring,  is  three  milds  long,  and  most 
two  hundred  feet  wide.  And  along  this  broad  beautiful  ave 
nue  there  are  six  rows  of  large  chestnut  trees.  A  track  for 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    393 

horseback  riders  on  one  side,  a  broad  carriage  driveway,  two 
fine  promenades,  besides  the  walk. 

Splendid  buildin's  rise  up  on  each  side  of  this  grand  street, 
and  parks  and  gardens  abound.  At  intervals  there  are  large 
roomy  lawns,  covered  with  velvety  grass,  where  easy  seats 
under  the  trees  invite  you  to  rest  and  admire  the  beauty 
around  you,  and  the  happy,  gayly-dressed  throng  passing 
and  repassing  in  carriages,  on  horseback  or  walkin'  afoot, 
thousands  and  thousands  on  'em,  and  everyone,  I  spoze,  a 
pursuin'  their  own  goles,  whatever  they  may  be. 

The  first  place  we  went  to  see  wuz  St.  Stephen's  Church. 
This  is  on  a  street  much  narrower  than  the  Ring  Strasse. 
The  sidewalks  wuz  very  narrer  here,  so  when  you  met  folks 
you  had  to  squeeze  up  pretty  nigh  the  curbstun  or  step  out 
into  the  carriage  way;  but  no  matter  how  close  the  quarters 
wuz  you  would  meet  with  no  rough  talk  or  impoliteness. 
They  wuz  as  polite  as  the  Japans,  with  more  intelligence 
added. 

St.  Stephen's  Cathedral  is  a  magnificent  Gothic  structure, 
three  hundred  and  fifty-four  feet  long  and  two  hundred  and 
thirty  broad,  and  is  full  of  magnificent  monuments,  altars, 
statutes,  carving,  etc.,  etc.  The  monument  to  the  Emperor 
Frederic  III.  has  over  two  hundred  figures  on  it. 

Here  is  the  tomb  of  the  King  of  Rome,  Napoleon's  only 
son,  and  his  ma,  Maria  Louise.  I  had  queer  feelin's  as  I 
stood  by  them  tombs  and  meditated  how  much  ambition  and 
heart  burnin'  wuz  buried  here  in  the  tomb  of  that  young 
King  of  Rome.  I  thought  of  how  his  pa  divorced  the 
woman  he  loved,  breakin'  her  heart,  and  his  own  mebby, 
for  the  ambitious  desire  to  have  a  son  connected  with  the 
royalty  of  Europe,  to  carry  on  his  power  and  glory,  and 
make  it  more  permanent.  And  how  the  new  wife  turned 
away  from  him  in  his  trouble,  and  the  boy  died,  and  he  car 
ried  his  broken  heart  into  exile.  And  the  descendant  of  the 
constant-hearted  woman  he  put  away,  set  down  on  the 
throne  of  France,  and  then  he,  too,  and  his  boy,  had  to  pass 


away  like  leaves  whirled  about  in  the  devastatin'  wind  of  war 
and  change.  What  ups  and  downs!  I  had  a  variety  of 
emotions  as  I  stood  there,  and  I  guess  Josiah  did,  though  I 
don't  know.  But  I  judged  from  his  liniment ;  he  looked  real 
demute. 

The  catacombs  under  this  mettin'-house  are  a  sight  to 
see  I  spoze,  but  we  didn't  pay  a  visit  to  'em.  Josiah  had  a 
idee  that  they  wuz  built  to  bury  cats  in,  and  he  said  he  didn't 
want  to  go  to  any  cat  buryin'-ground.  He  said  there  wuzn't 
a  cat  in  Europe  so  likely  as  ourn,  but  he  wouldn't  think  of 
givin'  it  funeral  honors. 

But  he  didn't  git  it  right.  It  wuz  a  place  where  they 
buried  human  bein's,  but  I  didn't  care  anything  about  seein' 
it. 

Robert  got  a  big  carriage,  and  we  all  driv  over  to  the 
Prater,  a  most  beautiful  park  on  an  island  in  the  Danube. 
The  broad,  flower-bordered  avenues  wuz  crowded  with  ele 
gant  carriages  and  beautiful  forms  and  faces  wuz  constantly 
passing  hither  and  yon,  to  and  fro,  and  the  scene  all  round 
us  wuz  enchantin'ly  beautiful.  We  had  a  delightful  drive, 
and  when  we  got  back  to  the  tarven  we  found  quite  a  lot  of 
letters  that  had  been  forwarded  here.  Josiah  and  I  had 
letters  from  Jonesville,  welcome  as  the  voice  of  the  first 
bird  in  spring,  all  well  and  hopeful  of  our  speedy  meetin' ; 
but  Miss  Meechim  had  one  tellin'  of  dretful  doin's  in  her  old 
home. 

We'd  heard  that  there  had  been  a  great  labor  strike  out 
in  California,  but  little  did  we  know  how  severe  it  had  struck. 
Rev.  Mr.  Weakdew  had  writ  to  Miss  Meechim  how  some 
of  the  rebellious  workmen  had  riz  up  against  his  son  in  his 
absence.  He  told  how  wickedly  they  wuz  actin'  and  how 
impossible  it  wuz  in  his  opinion  to  make  them  act  genteel, 
but  he  said  in  his  letter  that  his  son  had  been  telegrafted 
to  to  come  home  at  once.  He  said  Mudd- Weakdew  always 
had  been  successful  in  quelling  these  rebellious  workmen 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     395 

down,  and  making  them  keep  their  place,  and  he  thought 
he  would  now  as  soon  as  he  arrived  there. 

I  know  Arvilly  and  Miss  Meechim  had  words  about  it 
when  she  read  the  letter.  Miss  Meechim  deplored  the  state 
of  affairs,  and  resented  Arvilly's  talk;  she  said  it  was  so 
wicked  to  help  array  one  class  aginst  another. 

"  They  be  arrayed  now,"  sez  Arvilly.  "  Selfishness  and 
Greed  are  arrayed  aginst  Justice  and  Humanity,  and  the 
baby  Peace  is  bein'  trompled  on  and  run  over,  and  haggard 
Want  and  Famine  prowl  on  the  bare  fields  of  Poverty, 
waitin'  for  victims,  and  the  cries  of  the  perishin'  fill  the  air." 

Arvilly  turned  real  eloquent.  I  mistrusted  mebby  she'd 
catched  it  from  me,  but  Miss  Meechim  turned  up  her  nose 
and  acted  dretful  high-headed  and  said  there  was  nothing 
genteel  in  such  actions  and  she  wouldn't  gin  in  a  mite  till  that 
day  in  Vienna  she  had  a  letter  that  brought  her  nose  down 
where  it  belonged,  and  she  acted  different  after  readin'  it  and 
didn't  talk  any  more  about  gentility  or  the  onbroken  pros 
perity  of  the  Mudd-Weakdews,  and  I  wuz  shocked  myself 
to  hear  what  wuz  writ. 

As  I  say,  Miss  Meechim  read  it  and  grew  pale,  the  letter 
dropped  in  her  lap  and  she  trembled  like  a  popple  leaf,  for  it 
told  of  a  dretful  tragedy.  It  wuz  writ  by  a  friend  in  Sacra 
mento  and  the  tragedy  wuz  concernin'  the  Mudd-Weak 
dews.  On  hearin'  of  the  strike,  the  Mudd-Weakdews  had 
hurried  home  from  their  trip  abroad  and  he  had  tried  to  quell 
the  strike,  but  found  it  wouldn't  quell.  He  had  been  shot  at 
but  not  killed ;  the  shot  went  through  his  eyes,  and  he  would 
be  blind  for  life.  A  deadly  fever  had  broke  out  in  the  tene 
ments  on  the  street  back  of  his  palace,  caused,  the  doctors 
said,  by  the  terrible  onsanitary  surroundings,  and  helped 
on  by  want  and  starvation.  The  families  of  his  workmen 
had  died  off  like  dead  leaves  fallin'  from  rotten  trees  in  the 
fall.  The  tenements  wuz  not  fur  from  the  Mudd-Weakdew 
garden  where  Dorris  loved  to  stay,  who  had  stayed  at  home 
with  a  governess  and  a  genteel  relative  during  her  parents' 
25 


396     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

absence.  The  garden  wur  full  of  trees,  blossoms  and  flower 
ing  shrubs,  a  fountain  dashed  up  its  clear  water  into  the 
air  and  tall  white  statutes  stood  guard  over  Dorris  in  her 
happy  play.  But  some  deadly  germ  wuz  wafted  from  that 
filthy,  ghastly  place,  over  the  roses  and  lilies  and  pure  waters, 
and  sweet  Dorris  wuz  the  victim. 

The  clear  waters  and  fresh  green  lawns  and  fragrant 
posies  didn't  extend  fur  enough  back;  if  they  had  her  life 
might  have  been  saved,  but  they  only  went  as  fur  as  the 
sharp  wall  her  pa  had  riz  up  and  thought  safely  warded  his 
own  child  from  all  the  evils  of  the  lower  classes. 

No,  it  didn't  go  fur  enough  back,  and  sweet  Dorris  had 
to  pay  the  penalty  of  her  pa's  blindness  and  selfishness.  For 
what  duz  the  Book  say  ?  "  The  innocent  shall  suffer  for  the 
guilty." 

Her  broken-hearted  mother  followed  her  to  the  grave, 
and  it  wuz  on  that  very  day,  Mudd-Weakdew  bein'  shut  up 
with  doctors,  that  the  little  boy  wuz  stolen.  The  discharged 
workman,  whose  little  boy  had  died  of  starvation,  disappeared 
too.  He  wuz  said  to  be  half-crazy  and  had  threatened  ven 
geance  on  his  old  employer.  There  wuz  a  story  that  he  had 
been  seen  with  a  child  richly  dressed,  and  afterwards  with  a 
child  dressed  in  the  coarse  clothing  of  the  poor,  embarking 
on  a  foreign  ship,  but  the  clue  wuz  lost,  so  the  living  trouble 
wuz  worse  to  bear  than  the  dead  one. 

The  strike  wuz  ended,  Capital  coming  out  ahead;  the 
workmen  had  lost,  and  the  Mudd-Weakdews  had  a  chance 
to  coin  more  money  than  ever  out  of  the  half-paid  labor 
and  wretched  lives  of  their  men.  They  could  still  be  exclu 
sive  and  foller  the  star  of  gentility  till  it  stood  over  the  cold 
marble  palace  of  disdainful  nobility.  But  the  wall  of  separa 
tion  he  had  built  up  between  wealth  and  poverty  had  not 
stood  the  strain ;  Deadly  Pestilence,  Triumphant  Hatred  and 
sharp-toothed  Revenge  had  dumb  over  and  attacked  him 
with  their  sharp  fangs,  him  and  his  wife,  and  they  had  to 
bear  it. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE    397 

I  knowed  it,  I  knowed  that  no  walls  can  ever  be  built 
high  enough  to  separate  the  sordid,  neglected,  wretched  lives 
of  the  poor  and  the  luxurious,  pleasure-filled  lives  of  the 
rich.  Between  the  ignorant  criminal  classes  and  the  educated 
and  innocent.  You  may  make  'em  strong  as  the  Pyramaids 
and  high  as  the  tower  of  Babel,  but  the  passions  and  weak 
nesses  of  humanity  will  scale  'em  and  find  a  way  through. 

The  vile  air  of  the  low  lands  will  float  over  into  and  con 
taminate  the  pure  air  of  the  guarded  pleasure  gardens,  and 
the  evil  germs  will  carry  disease,  crime  and  death,  no  matter 
how  many  fountains  and  white  statutes  and  posies  you  may 
set  up  between.  Envy,  Discontent  and  Revenge  will  break 
through  the  walls  and  meet  Oppression,  Insolence  and  In 
justice,  and  they  will  tear  and  rend  each  other.  They  always 
have  and  always  will.  Robert  Strong,  instead  of  buildin'  up 
that  wall,  spends  his  strength  in  tearin'  it  down  and  settin' 
on  its  crumblin'  ruins  the  white  flowers  of  Love  and  Peace. 

Holdin'  Oppression  and  Injustice  back  with  a  hard  bit 
and  makin'  'em  behave,  makin'  Envy  and  Hatred  sheath  their 
claws  some  as  a  cat  will  when  it  is  warm  and  happy.  He 
tears  down  mouldy  walls  and  lets  the  sunshine  in.  Pullin'  up 
what  bad-smellin'  weeds  he  can  in  the  gardens  of  the  poor, 
and  transplantin'  some  of  the  overcrowded  posy  beds  of 
the  rich  into  the  bare  sile,  makin'  'em  both  look  better  and 
do  better.  I  set  store  by  him.  But  to  resoom: 


CHAPTER    XXXII 

fMONGST  my  letters  wuz  one  from  Evangeline 
Noble  tellin'  of  her  safe  arrival  in  Africa  and 
of  the  beginning  of  her  work  there,  some  like 
strikin'  a  match  to  light  a  lamp  in  a  dark  suller, 
but  different  from  that  because  the  light  she  lit 
wuz  liable  to  light  other  lamps,  and  so  on  and  on  and  on  till 
no  tellin'  what  a  glorious  brilliance  would  shine  from  the  one 
little  rushlight  she  wuz  kindlin'.  She  felt  it,  she  wuz  happy 
with  that  best  kind  of  happiness,  doin'  good.  She  spoke  of 
Cousin  John  Richard,  too;  he  wuz  not  in  the  same  place 
she  wuz,  but  she  hearn  of  him  often,  for  his  life  wuz  like  a  vase 
filled  with  the  precious  ointment  broke  at  the  feet  of  Jesus. 
Broken  in  a  earthly  sense,  but  the  rich  aroma  sweetened  the 
whole  air  about  and  ascended  to  the  very  heavens. 

A  missionary  she  knew  had  seen  him  just  before  she 
wrote  me.  He  wuz  working,  giving  his  life  and  finding  it 
again,  useful,  happy,  beloved.  Not  a  success  in  a  worldly 
way;  Mudd-Weakdew  would  have  called  it  a  dead  failure. 
In  place  of  a  palace,  Cousin  John  Richard  could  not  call  even 
the  poor  ruff  that  sheltered  him  his  own.  Instead  of  a  retinue 
of  servants,  Cousin  John  Richard  worked  diligently  with  his 
hands  to  earn  his  daily  bread;  instead  of  stocks  and  bonds 
bringing  him  rich  revenues,  he  had  only  the  title  deeds  of 
the  house  of  many  mansions,  and  Mudd-Weakdew  would 
not  have  accepted  any  deeds  unless  signed  before  a  notary 
and  sealed  with  our  govermunt  stamp.  No  wealth,  no  lux 
uries,  not  hardly  the  necessities  of  life  had  Cousin  John 
Richard,  whilst  Mudd-Weakdew  wuz  steeped  in  the  atmos 
phere  of  wealth  and  grandeur  for  which  he  had  lived  and 
toiled,  yet  Cousin  John  Richard  wuz  blissfully  happy  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     399 

content,  Mudd-Weakdew  unspeakably  and  hopelessly 
wretched.  Both  had  follored  their  goles  and  wuz  settin' 
on  'em,  but,  oh!  how  different  they  wuz — !how  different  to 
themselves  and  them  about  'em.  Inspiration  and  help  flowed 
from  Cousin  John  Richard's  personality  like  the  warm  sun 
shine  of  a  clear  June  day,  or  the  perfume  from  a  rare  lily, 
brightening,  sweetening  and  uplifting  all  about  him,  whilst 
from  Mudd-Weakdew  fell  a  dark  shadder  made  up  of  gloom, 
discontent,  envy,  hatred.  How  different  they  wuz,  how  dif 
ferent  they  wuz!  And  Robert  Strong's  gole,  how  different 
his  wuz  from  Mudd-Weakdew's.  I  methought  of  what  Miss 
Meechim  had  said  to  me  deplorin'ly,  how  different  Robert 
Strong  wuz.  Yes,  indeed !  both  on  'em  had  had  fur  different 
goles  and  pursued  'em.  The  onselfish  road  Robert  Strong 
trod  wuz  leadin'  him  to  the  house  of  happiness — Mudd- 
Weakdew's  to  the  house  of  pain  and  despair. 

I  dare  presoom  to  say  I  eppisoded  more'n  a  hour  to  my 
self  about  it  and  to  Josiah,  'tennyrate  Josiah  got  real  huffy 
and  acted,  and  sez  in  a  pitiful  axent : 

"  Samantha,  I'm  willin'  to  hear  preachin'  twice  a  week 
and  can  set  under  it  like  a  man,  but  it  comes  kinder  tough 
to  have  moralizin'  and  preachin'  brung  into  the  bosom  of 
the  family  and  liable  to  be  drizzled  out  onto  me  week  days, 
and  any  time,  night  or  day." 

His  axent  wuz  extremely  hopeless  and  pitiful.  He  felt 
a  good  deal  as  I  did  in  the  matter,  but  it  is  a  man's  nater  to 
be  more  impatient  and  not  bear  the  yoke  so  well  as  wimmen 
do.  Wimmen  are  more  used  to  galdin'  things  than  men  be ; 
I  don't  blame  Josiah. 

I  wuz  glad  enough  to  see  in  Vienna  the  stately  monu 
ment  to  Maria  Theresa,  Empress  of  Austria  Hungary.  To 
see  all  about  her  and  below  her  the  noble  forms  of  Wisdom, 
Strength,  Justice  and  Religion.  And  men  a-hoss  back  and 
sages  and  soldiers  and  to  see  her  a-settin'  so  calm  and  benine 
on  top  of  the  hull  caboodle,  it  gin  me  proud  sensations  and 
made  me  glad  I  wuz  a  woman,  but  not  haughty. 


400    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Maria  Theresa  wuz  a  likely  woman ;  I  wish  she  could  have 
lived  to  have  me  encourage  her  by  tellin'  her  what  I  thought 
on  her.  I  would  said  to  her: 

"  Marie,"  sez  I,  "  you  did  well  with  what  you  had  to  do 
with,  your  pardner  left  a  sight  for  you  to  tend  to,  as  pard- 
ners  will  if  they  see  their  consort  is  willing  to  bear  the  brunt. 
You  went  through  no  end  of  trials  and  tribulations,  wars  and 
revolutions,  but  come  off  victorious.  You  helped  the  poor 
a  sight,  abolished  torture,  sot  up  schoolhouses,  fenced  in  the 
roarin'  Papal  bulls  so  they  couldn't  break  out  and  rare  round 
so  much,  you  helped  on  the  industries  of  your  country, 
looked  out  for  the  best  interests  of  your  husband  and  son,  as 
pardners  and  mothers  will  and  looked  and  acted  like  a 
perfect  lady  through  it  all  in  war  and  peace." 

It  would  done  Marie  sights  of  good  to  hearn  my  talk,  but 
it  wuzn't  to  be.  But  this  high,  noble  monument  wuz  some 
consolation  to  her  if  she  could  look  down  and  see  it,  as  I 
spoze  she  can  and  duz.  And  partly  on  her  ma's  account  I 
visited  the  tomb  of  her  girl,  Marie  Christina.  It  wuz  de 
signed  by  Canova  and  wuz  the  most  beautiful  tomb  I  ever 
see.  Nine  beautiful  figgers  with  heads  bowed  down  in 
grief  wuz  bearin'  garlands  of  flowers  to  strew  above  the  be 
loved  head,  Youth,  Middle  Age  and  Old  Age  all  bearin' 
their  different  garlands  and  seemin'  to  feel  real  bad,  even 
the  mighty  angel  who  guarded  the  open  door  of  the  tomb 
had  his  head  bowed  in  sorrow.  Way  up  above  wuz  the  face 
of  the  beautiful  Arch  Duchess  carved  in  marble,  with  angels 
and  cherubs  surroundin'  her.  Josiah  said  if  he  wuz  able 
he  would  love  to  rare  such  a  one  up  for  Tirzah  Ann.  Sez  he, 
"  She  could  enjoy  it  durin'  her  life  and  if  she  should  pass 
away  before  us  it  would  come  handy."  He  thought  the 
features  of  the  Arch  Duchess  favored  Tirzah  Ann,  but  I 
couldn't  see  it. 

Albert  Fountain  is  a  noble-lookin'  structure  rared  up  by 
Francis  Joseph  in  1869.  We  also  visited  the  Academy  of 
Fine  Arts,  the  conservatory  of  music,  Museums  of  Arts 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     401 

and  Industries,  the  new  Parliament  and  University  build 
ings.  The  University  building  has  one  hundred  and  sixty 
thousand  volumes  and  engravings  and  drawing  enough  to 
fill  up  an  ordinary  building,  the  collection  of  manuscripts  is 
called  the  richest  in  the  world. 

The  teachers  in  the  University  of  Vienna  number  two 
hundred  and  ten,  good  land !  enough  to  make  a  good  school 
in  themselves  if  anybody  knowed  enough  to  teach  'em. 
In  the  Chamber  of  Treasures  in  the  Imperial  Palace  we  see 
the  largest  emerald  known  to  the  world  and  the  Florentine 
Diamond,  133  karats  big,  though  Josiah  said  when  I  told 
him  on't  that  wuz  nothin'  to  carrots  he'd  raised  in  his  gar 
den,  but  I  sot  :him  right.  There  wuz  more  than  one  hun 
dred  and  forty  thousand  coins  and  all  sorts  of  minerals  and 
a  great  quantity  of  bronzes,  gems  and  cameos. 

I  hated  to  give  in,  but  I  had  to.  I  see  cameos  there  that 
went  fur  beyend  mine.  We  visited  gymnasiums,  public 
schools,  institutes,  colleges  and  more  noble  and  interestin' 
edifices  than  I  could  tell  you  jest  the  names  on  unless  I  took 
loads  of  time. 

The  principal  articles  of  manufacture  in  Vienna  are  jew 
elry,  clocks,  kid  gloves,  musical  instruments,  shawls,  silks 
and  velvets.  It  is  supplied  with  water  that  comes  forty  milds 
in  an  aqueduct  and  gits  there  as  fresh  and  sparklin'  as  if  it 
hadn't  travelled  a  mild. 

I  felt  that  I  ort  to  go  and  see  the  Emperor,  Francis 
Joseph,  while  I  wuz  in  Vienna.  I  knowed  that  if  my  Josiah 
had  been  took  from  my  heart  and  presence  as  his  Elizabeth 
had  been  and  he'd  come  to  Jonesville  to  see  the  sights  and 
look  round  some  as  I  wuz  doin'  and  hadn't  come  to  condole 
with  me  I  should  feel  dretful  hurt. 

Just  to  think  on't,  the  sweet,  beautiful  woman  that  he 
had  loved  ever  sence  she  wuz  a  little  girl  in  short  dresses 
and  would  marry  in  spite  of  all  opposition,  and  who  had 
been  his  confidant  and  closest  earthly  friend  for  so  many  long 
years  a  settin'  up  there  by  his  side  on  that  hard  peak  with 

26 


402     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

the  kodaks  of  the  world  aimed  at  'em,  and  rejoiced  in  his 
joy  and  sympathized  in  his  sorrow,  to  have  her  struck  down 
so  sudden  and  to  once  by  the  hand  of  a  assassin.  Why,  if 
it  had  been  my  Josiah  I  couldn't  have  bore  up  as  Fritz  had ; 
it  seems  to  me  as  if  I  never  could  have  held  my  head  up  at  all 
after  it. 

But  Fritz  had  bore  up  under  his  sorrow  all  these  years 
and  carryin'  it  along  he  bore  also  the  load  of  his  people's 
cares  and  perplexities  and  tried  to  do  the  best  he  could  with 
what  he  had  to  do  with,  which  is  a  golden  rule  to  frame  and 
hang  up  over  our  soul's  mantletry  piece  and  study  from  day 
to  day  and  which  is  the  very  best  a  human  creeter  can  do  in 
Jonesville  or  Austria. 

I  sot  store  by  him.  One  thing  specially  I  always  liked  in 
him  wuz  his  humility  and  reverence,  as  showed  by  the  foot- 
washing  in  the  palace.  I'd  hearn  about  that,  and  wanted  to 
see  it  myself,  like  a  dog,  but  it  wuz  too  late,  for  that  takes 
place  in  April.  But  Robert  Strong  wuz  here  once  in  April, 
and  witnessed  that  ceremony. 

It  is  a  old  custom,  comin'  from  so  fur  back  that  nobody 
knows  what  monarch  it  wuz  and  whose  feet  they  wuz,  and 
whether  they  needed  washin'  or  not.  But  I  presoom  they 
wuz  middlin'  clean;  they  be  now  anyway,  and  the  Emperor 
doesn't  do  it  for  bathin'  purposes  or  to  help  corns,  but  it  is 
a  religious  custom.  Robert  explained  it  all  out  to  me  so 
plain  that  I  almost  seemed  to  see  it  myself. 

Robert  said  that  the  day  he  wuz  here  there  wuz  twelve 
old  men,  some  on  'em  ninety  years  old,  seated  at  a  table  set 
out  handsome  with  good  dishes,  napkins,  etc.,  and  the  table 
all  covered  with  rose  leaves,  and  under  it  brown  linen  cush 
ions  for  the  old  feet  to  rest  on. 

The  old  men  had  on  black  clothes,  short  breeches,  black 
silk  stockings,  and  wide  white  turned-down  collars.  They 
wuz  seated  by  grand  court  officials,  the  oldest  man  seated 
at  the  head  of  the  table.  Anon  the  Emperor  come  in  in  full 
uniform,  with  a  train  of  nobility  and  big  court  officers  with 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    403 

him,  all  in  gorgeous  attire,  and  the  Emperor  took  his  place  at 
the  head  of  the  table  as  a  waiter  to  wait  on  the  oldest  old  man. 
And  then  follered  twelve  palace  officials,  each  bearin'  a 
black  tray  that  had  four  dishes  of  good  food  on  it,  and  they 
took  their  places  opposite  the  old  men  who  set  on  one  side 
of  the  table,  some  as  they  do  in  pictures  of  the  Last  Supper 
or  some  as  we  have  some  times  in  cleanin'  house  and  things 
tore  up  and  we  all  set  on  one  side  of  the  table. 

Then  all  bein'  ready,  the  Emperor  took  the  food  off  the 
tray  opposite  the  oldest  man,  and  waited  on  him  jest  as 
polite  as  Philury  waits  on  me  when  we  have  company.  The 
Crown  Prince  waited  on  the  one  next  in  age,  and  each  of  the 
old  men  wuz  waited  on  by  some  grand  duke  or  other  mem 
ber  of  the  Austrian  nobility. 

After  the  trays  wuz  emptied,  the  palace  guard,  in  full  uni 
form,  come  in  with  twelve  more  trays,  and  so  on  till  four 
courses  wuz  served,  the  last  consistin'  of  a  sweet  dish,  fruit, 
cheese,  almonds,  etc.  After  this,  and  it  wuz  done  quite  quick, 
for  not  a  mouthful  wuz  eaten,  a  large,  gold  tray  wuz  brought 
in  with  a  gold  pitcher  on  it  and  a  large  napkin,  and  the 
Emperor  knelt  and  poured  a  little  water  on  the  old  man's 
foot,  and  wiped  it  on  the  napkin.  It  wuzn't  very  dirty,  I 
spoze ;  his  folks  had  tended  to  that,  and  got  off  the  worst  of  it. 
But  he  had  had  his  foot  washed  by  a  Emperor,  and  I  spoze 
he  felt  his  oats  more  or  less,  as  the  sayin'  is  in  rural  districts, 
though  he  orten't  to,  seein'  it  wuz  a  religious  ceremony  to 
inculcate  humility,  and  the  old  man  ort  to  felt  it  too,  as  well 
as  the  Emperor.  But  howsumever,  the  hull  twelve  on  'em 
had  their  feet  washed  and  wiped  by  nobility.  And  that  bein' 
done,  the  Emperor,  Crown  Prince,  and  all  the  arch  dukes, 
etc.,  havin'  riz  up  from  their  knees,  the  Grand  Chamberlain 
poured  some  water  on  the  Emperor's  hands,  who  dried  'em 
on  a  napkin,  and  all  the  rest  of  the  nobility  done  the  same. 

Then  a  court  officer  come  in  bringin'  twelve  black  bags 
of  money  containing  each  thirty  silver  florins.  They  had 
long  black  cords  attached,  and  the  Emperor  fastened  the 


404     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO a I AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

bags  around  the  necks  of  each  of  the  old  men  by  putting  the 
cords  round  their  necks.  Then  the  Empeor  and  nobility  left 
the  hall. 

All  durin'  this  ceremony  a  priest  and  twenty  assistants 
read  and  intoned  beautiful  extracts  from  the  Gospel,  showin' 
how  the  Lord  washed  the  disciples'  feet.  Then  all  the  food 
and  plates  and  foot  cushions  wuz  packed  into  baskets  and 
sent  to  the  houses  of  these  old  men,  and  I  wuz  glad  to  hear 
that,  for  I  thought  how  they  must  have  felt  to  have  such 
tasty  food  put  before  'em  and  took  away  agin  for  good  and 
all. 

When  the  Empress  wuz  alive  she  did  the  same  to  twelve 
old  wimmen — good  creetur !  Wuzn't  it  discouragin'  to  wash 
the  feet  of  the  poorer  classes  every  year  of  her  life,  and  then 
be  shot  down  by  one  on  'em?  How  Fritz  must  have  felt 
a-thinkin'  on't !  If  he'd  been  revengeful,  I  felt  that  he  might 
'have  gin  their  feet  a  real  vicious  rub — kinder  dug  into  'em 
real  savage ;  but  he  didn't ;  he  washed  and  wiped  'em  honora 
ble,  from  what  I  Ve  hearn. 

I  always  thought  that  that  wuz  a  noble  thing  for  the 
Emperor  to  do.  I  d'no  as  our  presidents  would  be  willin'  to 
do  it,  and  I  d'no  as  they  wouldn't.  I  don't  believe  the  ques 
tion  has  ever  been  put  to  'em.  I  guess  Washington  and  Lin 
coln  would  anyway,  and  I  don't  believe  that  they  would  have 
shrunk  back  if  the  feet  wuz  real  dirty;  they  went  through 
worse  things  than  that. 

But  to  resoom :  Robert  Strong's  description  of  this  seen 
made  me  set  more  store  by  Fritz  Joseph  than  I  had  sot.  And 
I  wanted  dretfully  to  meet  him  and  condole  with  him  and 
congratulate  him,  but  didn't  know  as  I  should  have  a  chance. 
But  to  my  great  satisfaction  we  wuz  all  invited  to  the  palace 
to  a  big  informal  reception.  I  wuz  tickled  enough. 

I  spoze  it  wuz  on  Robert  Strong's  account  that  we  wuz 
invited  to  the  Emperor's  palace,  though  Josiah  thought  it 
wuz  on  his  account.  Sez  he : 

"  Fritz  is  a  educated  man  and  reads  about  foreign  affairs ; 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE    405 

of  course,  he  has  hearn  of  Jonesville  and  knows  that  I  am 
one  of  its  leadin'  men,  and  wield  a  powerful  influence  in  po 
litical  and  religious  circles,  and  wants  to  honor  me  and  on 
my  account  and  to  please  me,  and  for  various  diplomatic 
reasons  he  is  willin'  to  receive  my  pardner." 

•But  it  wuzn't  so,  no  such  thing;  it  wuz  on  Robert's  ac 
count  ;  Robert  had  been  invited  there  for  lunch  when  he  wuz 
there  before,  for  Miss  Meechim  had  told  me  on't  over  and 
over.  When  the  evening  of  the  reception  come,  Miss  Mee 
chim  wuz  in  high  feather  every  way.  She  wore  one  in  her 
hair  that  stood  up  higher  than  old  Hail  The  Day's  tail 
feathers,  and  then  her  sperits  wuz  all  feathered  out,  too. 

Dorothy  looked  sweet  as  a  rose  just  blowed  out.  She 
had  on  a  gown  of  pale-green  satin  and  shiffon,  which  looked 
some  the  color  of  fresh,  delicate  leaves,  and  her  sweet  face 
riz  up  from  it  and  bloomed  out  like  a  flower.  It  wuz  a  little 
low  in  the  neck,  which  wuz  white  as  snow,  and  so  wuz  her 
round  arms.  A  necklace  of  big  pearls  wuz  round  her  neck, 
not  much  whiter  than  the  warm,  soft  flesh  they  rested  on, 
and  she  carried  a  big  bunch  of  white  orchids.  She  looked 
good  enough  to  frame  in  gold  and  hang  up  in  anybody's  best 
parlor,  and  Robert  Strong  felt  just  as  I  did  I  knew  by  his  lini 
ment.  On  such  a  occasion,  I  felt  my  best  black  silk  none  too 
good,  and  at  Dorothy's  request  I  turned  down  the  neck  a  lit 
tle  in  front,  mebby  a  half  a  finger  or  so,  and  wore  a  piece  of 
lace  she  gin  me  over  it  that  come  down  to  my  belt.  It  looked 
like  a  cob-web  that  had  ketched  in  its  transparent  meshes 
some  voylets  and  snowdrops.  And  at  her  request  I  did  not 
wear  the  cameo  pin,  but  a  little  bunch  of  posies  she  fixed 
for  me,  fine  white  posies  with  a  few  pale  lavender  ones.  I 
spoze  Dorothy,  though  she  didn't  tell  me  so,  for  fear  it 
would  make  me  oneasy  and  nervious,  but  I  spoze  she  wuz 
afraid  that  some  bold  thief  might  rob  me  of  that  valuable 
jewel ;  she  knowed  that  cameo  pin  fell  onto  me  from  Mother 
Smith  and  fell  onto  her  from  her  ma.  This  rim  of  memory  sot 
it  round  and  rendered  it  valuable  aside  from  its  intrinsic 


406     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

worth,  which  wuz  great.  Why,  I  hearn  that  Grandmother 
Smith  paid  as  high  as  seven  dollars  for  it,  gin  five  bushels 
of  dried  apples  and  the  rest  in  money.  Tommy  stayed  to 
home  with  Martha. 

The  guests  wuz  ushered  into  a  spacious  and  magnificent 
room.  Innumerable  lights  flashed  from  its  lofty  ceilings  and 
music  and  flowers  brightened  the  seen.  The  rich  costooms 
of  the  ladies  and  the  gorgeous  uniforms  of  the  men,  repre 
sentatives  of  the  different  countries,  richly  embroidered  in 
gold  and  silver,  added  to  the  beauty  of  the  panorama.  Jewels 
wuz  sparklin'  everywhere,  and  I  thought  to  myself  I  d'no 
but  Dorothy  wuz  more  fraid  than  she  need  be,  I  d'no ;  but  I 
might  have  resked  the  cameo  pin  there.  For  it  didn't  seem 
as  if  anybody  there,  man  or  woman,  stood  in  need  of  any 
more  ornaments,  and  if  they  took  it,  I  should  always  thought 
they  done  it  out  of  pure  meanness.  For  such  a  profusion 
of  jewelled  ornaments  I  never  see,  and  such  dresses,  oh,  my! 
I  thought  even  before  I  met  the  royal  party  what  would  I 
give  if  Almina  Hagadone  could  be  sot  down  there  with  lib 
erty  to  bring  a  lot  of  old  newspapers,  the  Jonesville  "  Aug- 
urses  "  and  "  Gimlets  "  and  take  patterns.  Oh,  my !  wuzn't 
they  grand,  though  our  good  Methodist  sisters  wouldn't 
dream  of  havin'  their  calico  and  woosted  dresses  with  such 
long  trains  draggin'  behind  'em  or  havin'  'em  low-necked 
and  short  sleeves.  I  could  hardly  imagine  how  Sister  Gow- 
dey  and  Sister  Henzy  would  look  with  their  chocolate-col 
ored  calicos  made  without  sleeves  and  dekolitay,  as  Miss 
Meechim  called  it;  they  would  blush  to  entertain  the 
thought,  and  so  would  their  pardners. 

Francis  Joseph,  or  as  I  called  him  in  my  mind,  the  good 
crisp  name  of  Fritz,  I  found  wuz  good  lookin'  and  good 
actin'.  Of  course,  like  myself  and  Josiah,  he's  gittin'  some 
along  in  years.  And  like  us,  too,  'he  won't  most  probable 
ever  be  hung  for  his  beauty.  But  what  of  that?  Like  others 
lately  mentioned,  'his  liniment  shows  just  what  kind  of  a  per 
son  he  has  been  and  is.  Honest,  honorable,  hard-workin', 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE    407 

gittin'  up  at  five  o'clock  in  the  mornin',  doin'  a  good  day's 
work  before  lots  of  folks  rises  up  from  their  goose-feather 
pillers.  Fillin'  up  the  day  with  duties  performed  to  the  best 
of  his  ability.  Good,  solid-lookin'  and  good-actin'  the  most 
of  the  time,  though  I  spoze  that  like  every  human  bein',  he 
has  had  spells  of  bein'  contrary  and  actin',  but  on  the  whole 
a  good  man,  and  a  well-wisher  to  his  race. 

And  now  in  this  dretful  epock  of  time,  when  everything 
seemed  upside  down,  thrones  tottlin'  and  foundations  warp- 
in',  and  the  roar  of  battle  comin'  nigher  and  nigher  on  every 
side,  I  felt  that  it  wuz  a  great  thing  for  him  that  he  had  the 
chance  to  hear  some  words  of  encouragement  and  advice. 
Yes,  I  knowed  that  if  ever  the  Powers  wuz  in  a  tight  place 
they  wuz  now. 

I  wuz  the  last  one  in  the  line,  and  so  had  a  chance  at  him ; 
I  shouldn't  have  had  if  Miss  Meechim  and  Arvilly  had  been 
follerin'  close  to  my  heels.  I  had  said  in  days  gone  by  that 
if  I  ever  got  holt  of  one  of  them  Powers  I  would  give  'em 
a  piece  of  my  mind  that  they  could  patch  onto  their  daily 
experience,  and  tremble  and  wonder  at  it  for  the  rest  of  their 
days.  I  had  been  riled  up  by  these  Powers  a  number  of 
times,  real  provoked  and  out  of  patience  with  'em.  But 
now  when  I  stood  in  the  presence  of  one  of  'em  I  felt  different 
from  what  I  thought  I  should  feel;  I  pitied  'em  like  a  dog. 
And  I  showed  it.  I  mistrust  my  liniment  looked  pale  and 
excited,  though  not  havin'  a  lookin'  glass  present  I  couldn't 
tell  for  certain,  but  I  know  my  voice  trembled  with  emotion, 
for  I  hearn  it  myself. 

I  sez  to  him  how  proud  and  happy  I  wuz  to  see  him 
lookin'  so  well  and  holdin'  his  age  to  such  a  remarkable  de 
gree,  and  after  a  few  such  preliminary  politenesses  had  been 
tended  to,  I  branched  out  and  told  him  with  my  liniment 
lookin'  good  and  earnest  I  know,  and  tears  almost  standin' 
in  my  eyes,  I  told  him  the  feelin's  I  felt  for  the  Powers,  how 
mad  I'd  been  at  'em  in  the  past,  and  how  them  feelin's  had 
turned  into  pity,  for  I  knowed  just  what  a  ticklish  place  they 


408    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

wuz  in  and  how  necessary  it  wuz  for  'em  to  keep  a  cool  head 
and  a  wise,  religious  heart,  and  then,  sez  I,  "  I  d'no  as  that 
will  save  you.  You  Powers  have  got  so  hard  a  job  to  tackle 
that  it  don't  seem  to  me  you'll  ever  git  out  of  it  with  hull 
skins  if  you  don't  use  all  the  caution  a  elephant  duz  in  crossin' 
a  bridge.  Go  cautious  and  carefull  and  reach  out  and  try 
every  plank  before  you  step  on't." 

He  felt  it,  I  could  see  he  did,  he  knowed  how  the  ground 
wuz  quakin'  under  him  and  the  rest  of  the  Powerses.  "  And 
don't,"  sez  I,  "  don't  for  mercy's  sake !  you  Powers  git  to 
squabblin'  amongst  yourselves,  for  if  you  do  you  might  just 
as  well  give  up  first  as  last,  for  you  are  all  lost  as  sure  as 
fate.  Keep  your  temper  above  all  things,"  sez  I.  "  You've 
got  age  and  experience  as  well  as  I  have,  and  it  takes  such 
experienced  wise  heads  to  manage  such  a  state  of  affairs, 
and  I  d'no  even  then  as  we  can  git  along  without  an  awful 
fuss,  things  are  so  muddled  up.  Mebby  you're  the  very  one 
to  go  on  and  try  to  straighten  out  the  snarls  in  the  skein  of 
the  nation's  trials  and  perplexities,  and  I'll  do  all  I  can  to 
help  you,"  sez  I. 

He  wuz  dretful  impressed  by  my  eloquence;  he  acted 
for  all  the  world  just  as  Mr.  Astofeller  did.  He  looked  at 
his  watch  just  as  if  he  wuz  anxious  to  know  just  the  time  I 
said  such  remarkable  things,  and  I  continued  on,  "  Sister 
Henzy,"  sez  I,  "  thinks  that  the  millenium  is  comin'." 

"Sister  Henzy?"  sez  he  inquirin'ly. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  Sister  Mehala  Henzy,  sister  in  the  M.  E. 
meetin'-house  at  Jonesville.  She  sez  that  this  is  the  great 
universal  war  that  is  to  usher  in  the  thousand  years  of  peace 
and  the  comin'  of  our  Lord.  She  reads  Skripter  a  sight 
and  has  explained  it  out  to  me  and  I  must  say  it  does  look 
like  it.  And  oh  how  I  do  want  to  be  here  to  see  it,  but  don't 
spoze  Josiah  and  I  can  live  a  thousand  years,  no  matter 
how  much  patent  medicine  we  take,  specially  as  we  both 
have  the  rumatiz  bad,  but  oh  how  I  would  love  to. 

"  Brother  Meesick  thinks  this  is  goin'  to  be  a  war  of  the 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    409 

yellow  races  agin  the  whites.  And  though  it  would  come 
tough  on  Josiah  and  me  to  be  driv  out  of  house  and  home 
and  scalped  and  made  slaves  on,  yet  right  whilst  them  yeller 
races  wuz  engaged  in  it  if  I  could  think  at  all — and  of  course 
I  don't  know  how  much  the  seat  of  thought  is  situated  in  the 
crown  of  the  head  and  hair  and  whether  the  entire  citadel 
would  go  with  the  scalp,  but  if  I  could  think  and  keep  my 
conscientiousness  as  I  spoze  I  should,  I  should  have  to  give 
in  right  then  and  there  that  it  wuz  only  justice  fur  the  white 
races  to  submit  to  the  revenge  of  the  darker  complected, 
thinkin'  what  we'd  done  to  them. 

"  Josiah  bein'  so  bald  they  would  probable  have  to  take 
his  head  right  off,  not  havin'  anything  to  hang  onto  while 
they  scalped  him,  and  I  should  probably  foller  him  soon,  as 
I  couldn't  imagine  a  life  Josiahless.  But  whilst  I  lived,  and 
even  if  I  wuz  sold  into  captivity,  and  see  Thomas  J.  and  the 
rest  of  the  children  sold  into  distant  countries,  and  I  chained 
to  widder  Henzy,  drove  off  west  to  be  slaves  to  Hole  In  The 
Day  or  Big  Thunder,  I  should  have  to  say  amidst  my  heart 
breakin'  groans  and  sithes,  it  is  just,  it  is  just,  we  white  folks 
richly  deserve  it  for  our  treatment  to  the  darker  races." 

The  Emperor  felt  my  talk  deeply,  I  knew  by  his  looks; 
he  looked  completely  wore  out;  it  wuz  from  admiration  I 
knowed. 

Sez  I :"  It  is  a  dretful  thing  to  have  all  the  beasts  of  the 
world  git  mixed  up  and  a-fightin'  and  chankin'  each  other 
up,  as  they  have  seemed  to,  whilst  the  Powers  have  sot  and 
looked  on.  Jest  now  it  looks  to  me  as  if  the  Russian  Bear 
is  gittin'  the  worst  on't  and  the  dragon  a-comin'  out  on  top, 
and  the  Eagle  has  done  noble  work  a-shriekin'  and  fightin' 
and  protectin'  her  young. 

"  It  seemed  to  me  and  Josiah  that  the  Powers  have  took 
things  pretty  easy  and  loitered  along  when  their  ministers 
and  missionaries  wuz  chased  into  a  corner  and  the  Boxers 
ready  to  take  their  heads  off.  It  makes  a  sight  of  difference 
in  such  things  whose  heads  are  in  danger.  If  it  wuz  the 


410     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Powers'  own  heads,  for  instance,  there  would  probable  been 
more  hustlin'  round. 

"  But  things  are  in  a  dretful  state  in  Russia  and  Japan 
and  China.  It  is  a  great  pity  I  hadn't  knowed  what  wuz 
comin'  when  I  wuz  there;  I  could  probable  done  lots  of  good 
advisin'  the  Empress  and  tryin'  to  make  her  do  as  she  ort  to, 
though  my  pardner  thinks  the  blame  hain't  all  on  China.  He 
argys  wrong,  but  is  sot  on  it.  He  sez  spozen  he  wuz  slow 
with  his  spring's  work  and  didn't  keep  his  fences  up,  or  hustle 
round  so  and  mebby  didn't  pay  Ury  so  big  wages  as  the 
Loontowners  did  in  their  factory,  and  wuzn't  what  they 
called  sound  on  the  doctrines.  You  know  they  are  seven- 
day  Baptisses  over  in  Loontown  and  Shackville ;  but  Josiah 
sez  if  them  two  Powers  got  together  and  tried  to  force  Loon- 
ton  and  Shackville  civilization  and  ways  onto  Jonesville, 
which  is  a  older  place  and  glad  to  be  kinder  settled  down 
and  mind  its  own  bizness;  and  if  they  should  try  to  build 
roads  through  Jonesville  medders  and  berry  lots  and  set  up 
their  tabernacles  and  manufacturys  there  and  steal  right  and 
left  and  divide  Jonesville  into  pieces  and  divide  the  pieces 
amongst  'em,  why,  sez  he,  '  I  would  arm  myself  and  Ury 
and  fight  to  the  bitter  hind  end.' 

"  Sez  Josiah :  '  Why  do  we  want  our  pleasant  woods  and 
fields  turned  into  noisy  bedlams  by  the  whirrin'  of  wheels, 
creakin'  of  engines  and  the  roar  and  smoke  and  dust  of 
traffick?  Spozein'  we  should  make  more  money  and  dress 
better  and  own  more  books ;  money  hain't  everything  in  life, 
nor  hustlin'  in  bizness ;  peace  and  comfort  and  mindin'  your 
own  bizness  is  sunthin'.' 

'  And  wheresoever  them  noisy  manufactories  go,  there 
goes  whiskey,'  sez  Arvilly.  A  neighborin'  woman  who  wuz 
by  and  jined  in :  '  What  good  duz  it  do  to  try  to  settle  which 
is  the  right  Sunday  if  at  the  same  time  them  proselyters 
brings  pizen  that  crazes  their  converts  so  they  can't  tell  Sun 
day  mornin'  from  Friday  midnight,  bring  the  preachin'  of 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     411 

love  and  peace  and  the  practice  of  hatred  and  ruin,  the  creeds 
and  catechism  packed  on  with  opium  and  whiskey.' 

"  '  Yes,'  sez  Josiah,  '  let  me  catch  the  Loontown  and 
Shackville  Powers  tryin'  to  divide  Jonesville  into  pieces  and 
grabbin'  the  pieces  and  dividin'  'em  up  amongst  'em  and 
turnin'  us  out  of  house  and  hum,  I  guess  them  powers  would 
find  they  had  got  hold  of  a  Boxer  when  they  come  to  cut 
up  my  paster  and  divide  it  and  the  medder  back  of  the  house 
where  grandfather  Allen's  grandpa  and  great-grandma  lays 
with  a  white  railin'  round  'em,  kep'  up  by  the  Aliens  two  hun 
dred  years.  I  guess  they'd  think  they  had  got  holt  of  a 
Boxer — yes  indeed ! '  and  Josiah  Allen  breathed  hard  and 
looked  warlike. 

"  '  But,'  I  sez,  '  Josiah,  you  hain't  got  it  right ;  there  is 
more  to  it.' 

"  And  he  sez  fiery  red  in  the  face  and  sithin'  hard,  '  There 
is  generally  more  to  everything.'  And  I  sez,  '  So  there  is, 
Josiah.'" 

I  see  the  Emperor  lookin'  round  anxiously  and  he  seemed 
to  be  on  the  very  pint  of  startin'  away.  I  mistrusted  he 
wanted  to  go  and  git  more  folks  to  hear  my  wonderful  elo 
quence,  but  I  couldn't  wait  and  I  sez,  "  Time  and  Josiah  are 
passin'  away  and  I  mustn't  detain  you ;  you  Powers  will  have 
to  do  the  best  you  can  with  what  you've  got  to  do  with. 
Wisdom  is  needed  here,  and  goodness,  piles  and  piles  of 
goodness  and  patience  and  above  all  prayer  to  the  God  of 
love  and  justice  for  help.  He  is  the  only  Power  that  can 
bring  light  into  the  dark  problem  confrontin'  the  nations. 
He  can  settle  the  question  and  will,  if  you  Powers  trust  Him 
and  try  to  foller  his  teachin's." 

"  The  only  receipt  I  can  give  you  is  what  I  told  you. 
Seekin'  earnestly  for  patience  and  wisdom  from  on  high, 
payin'  no  attention  to  the  blue  light  that  rises  from  the  low 
grounds  lit  by  Greed,  Ambition  and  Revenge,  follerin'  from 
day  to  day  the  light  that  filters  down  from  heaven  through 
the  winders  of  the  mind  and  soul,  and  keepin'  them  winders 


412     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

as  clean  as  possible  so  the  light  can  shine  through.  Brushin' 
away,  as  fur  as  your  powers  can,  the  black  cob-webs  from 
your  own  civilizations  whilst  you  are  tacklin'  the  scrubbin' 
brush  to  cleanse  older  and  dirtier  ones,  and  don't  for  mercy 
sake  in  the  name  of  freedom  take  away  freedom  from  any 
race  or  nation.  I  d'no  what  else  you  can  do." 

Agin  he  looked  anxiously  round  as  much  as  to  say,  oh 
why,  why  don't  somebody  else  come  to  hear  this  remarkable 
talk? 

And  sez  I,  "  I  will  say  in  conclusion  for  your  encourage 
ment,  fur  off  over  the  hills  and  dells  of  the  world  and  Jones- 
ville  there  will  be  one  follerin'  you  with  earnest  good  wishes 
and  prayers  and  will  help  you  Powers  all  she  can  and  may 
God  help  you  and  the  other  Powerses  and  farewell." 

He  looked  dretful  relieved  as  he  shook  my  hand  and  I 
passed  on.  I  guess  he  had  worried  for  fear  it  would  be  out 
of  sight,  out  of  mind  with  me,  and  I  rejoined  my  pardner. 
The  rest  of  our  party  had  passed  on  into  another  gorgeous 
apartment,  but  my  faithful  pardner  had  waited  for  me.  He 
wuz  rejoiced  to  see  me  I  knowed,  though  his  words  wuz: 

"  What  under  the  sun  wuz  you  hangin'  round  and  preach- 
in'  to  a  Emperor  for?  I  believe  you  would  dast  anything." 

"  I  hope  I  would,"  sez  I,  calmly,  "  upheld  by  Duty's  apron 
strings."  I  wouldn't  have  it  knowed  in  Jonesville  for  a  dollar 
bill  that  right  there  in  the  Emperor's  palace  Josiah  demeaned 
himself  so,  but  he  did  say : 

"  I  don't  want  to  hear  any  more  about  them  infarnal 
strings." 

And  a  gorgeous  official  looked  round  at  him  in  surprise 
and  rebuke.  Well,  we  didn't  stay  a  great  while  after  that. 
We  walked  round  a  little  longer  through  the  magnificent 
rooms,  and  anon  we  met  Arvilly.  She  wuz  lookin'  through  a 
carved  archway  at  the  distant  form  of  the  Emperor  and  un- 
fastenin'  the  puckerin'  strings  of  her  work-bag,  but  I  laid  holt 
of  her  arm  and  sez : 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOB  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    413 

"  Arvilly,  for  pity  sake  help  me  find  Robert  and  Dorothy. 
She  turned  with  me,  and  my  soul  soared  up  considerable  to 
think  I  had  already  begun  to  help  the  powers  and  lighten 
their  burdens.  And  pretty  soon  the  rest  of  our  party  jined 
us,  and  we  returned  home  to  our  tarven. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII 

ISS  MEECHIM  wanted  to  visit  Carlsbad,  the 
great  Bohemian  watering  place.  She  said  it 
wuz  a  genteel  spot  and  very  genteel  folks  went 
there  to  drink  the  water  and  take  the  mud 
baths.  And  so  we  took  a  trip  there  from 
Vienna.  It  is  only  a  twelve-hours'  journey  by  rail.  Our  road 
lay  along  the  valley  of  the  Danube,  and  seemed  to  be  situated 
in  a  sort  of  a  valley  or  low  ground,  till  we  reached  the  fron 
tiers  of  Bohemia,  but  it  wuz  all  interestin'  to  us,  for  novelty 
is  as  refreshin'  to  older  ones  as  to  children.  Cheerful,  clean- 
lookin'  little  villages  wuz  scattered  along  the  way,  flourishin' 
orchards  and  long  fields  of  grass  and  grain,  and  not  a  fence  or 
hedge  to  break  the  peaceful  beauty  of  the  picture. 

Anon  we  entered  a  mountainous  country  with  blue  lakes 
and  forests  of  tall  pine  trees  and  knowed  we  had  entered 
Bohemia.  We  see  gypsy  tents  anon  or  oftener,  for  what 
are  gypsies  but  true  Bohemians,  wanderers  at  will,  hither  and 
yon. 

Josiah  mentioned  the  idee  of  our  leavin'  the  train  for  an 
hour  or  two  and  havin'  our  fortunes  told  by  a  real  gypsy, 
but  I  told  him  sotey  vosey  that  my  fortune  come  along 
about  as  fast  as  I  wuz  ready  for  it,  and  I  didn't  know  as  I 
wanted  to  pay  these  swarthy  creeters  for  lyin'  to  me.  And 
he  didn't  contend  for  it,  for  which  I  wuz  thankful. 

All  along  the  way  we  see  shrines  with  the  faces  of  our 
Lord  and  Mary  and  Joseph  lookin'  out  of  'em.  And  anon 
a  little  hamlet  would  appear,  a  meetin'-house  with  five  or 
six  dwellin'  houses  clustered  round  it  like  a  teacher  in  the 
midst  of  half  a  dozen  scholars.  Flowering  shrubs  and  fruit 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     415 

trees  almost  hid  the  houses  of  the  quiet  little  hamlets,  and 
then  we'd  go  by  a  village  with  forty  or  fifty  houses,  and  as  I 
told  Arvilly,  in  all  these  little  places  so  remote  from  Jones- 
ville  and  its  advantages,  the  tragedy  of  life  wuz  goin'  on  just 
as  it  did  in  bigger  places. 

And  she  said  she  wondered  if  they  drinked;  sez  she,  "  If 
they  do  there  is  tragedies  enough  goin'  on." 

Bohemia  is  a  country  of  orchards.  I  should  say  there 
was  fruit  enough  there  so  every  man,  woman  and  child  there 
could  have  bushels  and  bushels  of  it  to  spare  after  they  had 
eat  their  fill.  Even  along  the  highways  the  bending  trees 
wuz  loaded  with  fruit.  A  good  plan,  too,  and  I  told  Josiah 
I  would  love  to  introduce  it  into  Jonesville.  Sez  I,  "  How 
good  it  would  be  to  have  the  toil-worn  wayfarers  rest  under 
the  shady  branches  and  refresh  themselves  with  good  fruit." 

And  he  said  "  He  didn't  want  to  toll  any  more  tramps 
into  Jonesville  than  there  wuz  already." 

And  I  spoze  they  would  mebby  find  it  too  handy  to  have 
all  the  good  fruit  they  wanted  hangin'  down  over  their  heads 
as  they  tramped  along — I  d'no  but  it  would  keep  'em  from 
workin'  and  earnin'  their  fruit. 

Anon  the  good  car  would  whirl  us  from  a  peaceful  coun 
try  into  mountain  scenery,  huge  ledges  of  rock  would  take 
the  places  of  the  bending  fruit  trees,  and  then  jest  as  we 
got  used  to  that  we  would  be  whirled  out  agin,  and  see  a 
peaceful-lookin'  little  hamlet  and  long,  quiet  fields  of  green. 

In  the  harvest  fields  we  see  a  sight  that  made  me  sad  and 
forebode,  though  it  seemed  to  give  Josiah  intense  satisfaction. 
We  see  as  many  agin  wimmen  in  the  harvest  field  as  we  did 
men,  and  in  Carlsbad  we  see  young  girls  carryin'  brick  and 
mortar  to  the  workmen  who  wuz  buildin'  houses.  I  thought 
as  I  looked  out  on  the  harvest  fields  and  see  wimmen  doin' 
all  the  hard  work  of  raisin'  grain  and  then  havin'  to  cook 
it  after  it  wuz  made  into  flour  and  breakast  food  it  didn't 
seem  right  to  me,  it  seemed  as  if  they  wuz  doin'  more  than 
their  part.  But  I  spozed  the  men  wuz  off  to  the  wars  fightin' 


416     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

and  gittin'  killed  to  satisfy  some  other  man's  ambition,  or 
settlin'  some  other  men's  quarrels. 

Josiah  sez,  smilin'  happily,  "  Wouldn't  it  look  uneek  to 
see  Philury  mowin'  in  our  oat  and  wheat  fields,  and  you  and 
Sister  Bobbett  rakin'  after  and  loadin'  grain  and  runnin'  the 
thrashin'  machine?  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  when  I  foller  a  thrashin'  machine,  Jo 
siah  Allen,  or  load  a  hay  rack  it  will  look  uneeker  than  will 
ever  take  place  on  this  planet,  I  can  tell  you  to  once." 

But  Arvilly  sez,  "  Don't  be  too  sure,  Josiah  Allen's  wife ; 
with  three  wars  bein'  precipitated  on  our  country  durin'  one 
administration,  and  the  conquered  contented  regions  havin' 
to  be  surrounded  by  our  soldiers  and  fit  all  the  time  to  keep 
'em  from  laughin'  themselves  to  death,  you  don't  know  how 
soon  all  of  our  men  will  be  drafted  into  the  army  and  we 
wimmen  have  to  do  all  the  farm  work." 

"  Yes,"  sez  Josiah,  "  that  is  so,  and  you  would  be  a  crack- 
in'  good  hand  to  pitch  on  a  load  of  hay  or  mow  away,  you  are 
so  tall." 

"  And  you,"  sez  she  with  a  defiant  mean,  "  would  be  a 
good  hand  to  put  in  front  of  the  battle  field ;  you're  so  short, 
the  balls  might  not  hit  you  the  first  round." 

She  put  a  powerful  emphasis  on  the  "  might  not,"  and 
Josiah  looked  real  agitated,  and  I  sez : 

"  Such  talk  is  onprofitable,  and  I  should  advise  you, 
Josiah,  to  use  your  man's  influence  to  try  to  make  peace  for 
the  country's  good,  instead  of  wars  for  the  profit  of  Trusts, 
Ambition,  etc.,  and  you  can  escape  the  cannon's  mouth,  and 
Arvilly  keep  on  sellin'  books  instead  of  ploughin'  and 
mowin'." 

Robert  Strong  and  Dorothy  enjoyed  Carlsbad  the  best 
that  ever  wuz.  I  don't  think  they  sot  so  much  store  by  the 
water  as  they  did  the  long  mountain  walks.  Everybody 
here  becomes  a  mountain  climber.  The  doctors  here  agree 
that  this  exercise  is  a  great  means  of  cure,  and  they  make 
the  climbing  easy  and  delightful.  There  are  over  thirty  miles 


ABOUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE  417 

of  good  roads  over  the  mountains  and  around  Carlsbad,  and 
as  you  climb  upwards  anon  or  even  oftener  you  come  to 
pretty  little  pavilions  where  you  can  rest  and  look  off  onto 
the  delightful  scenery,  and. every  little  while  you'll  come  to  a 
place  where  you  can  git  good  refreshments  to  refresh  you. 

The  Sprudel,  or  Bubbling  Well,  bubbles  over  in  a  stream 
of  almost  boiling  hot  water  five  or  six  inches  in  diameter. 
It  is  so  hot  that  you  can't  handle  the  mugs  it  is  served  in 
with  your  naked  hand,  you  hold  it  by  a  napkin  and  have  to 
take  it  a  little  sip  at  a  time  if  you  don't  want  to  be  scalded. 

Josiah  had  disputed  with  me  about  the  waters  being  so 
hot.  He  said  it  didn't  look  reasonable  to  him  that  bilin'  hot 
water  would  flow  out  of  the  cold  ground,  and  he  knowed 
they  had  told  stories  about  it.  "  Why,"  sez  he,  "  if  it  wuz  hot 
when  it  started  it  would  git  cooled  off  goin'  through  the  cold 
earth." 

But  I  sez :  "  They  say  so,  Josiah — them  that  have  been 
there." 

"  Well,"  sez  he,  "  you  can  hear  anything.  I  don't  believe 
a  word  on't." 

And  so  in  pursuance  of  his  plan  and  to  keep  up  his 
dignity  he  wouldn't  take  a  napkin  with  his  mug  of  water,  but 
took  holt  on't  with  his  naked  hand  and  took  a  big  swaller 
right  down  scaldin'  hot. 

He  sot  the  mug  down  sudden  and  put  his  bandanna  to  his 
mouth,  and  I  believe  spit  out  the  most  on't.  He  looked  as 
if  he  wuz  sufferin'  the  most  excruciating  agony,  and  I  sez : 

"  Open  your  mouth,  Josiah,  and  I  will  fan  it." 

"  Fan  your  grandmother !  "  sez  he.  "  I  didn't  like  the 
taste  on't,  Samantha ;  it  most  sickened  me." 

But  I  sez :  "  Josiah  Allen,  do  you  want  some  liniment  on 
your  hand  and  your  tongue?  I  know  they  pain  you  dret- 
fully." 

Sez  he,  smilin'  a  dretful  wapeish  smile :  "  It  is  sickish 
tastin'  stuff."  And  he  wouldn't  give  in  any  further  and 
27 


418     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

didn't,  though  I  knew  for  days  his  mouth  wtiz  tender,  and  he 
flinched  when  he  took  anything  hot  into  it. 

As  I  would  look  dreamily  into  the  Bubblin'  Well  I 
would  methink  how  I  do  wish  I  knowed  how  and  where 
you  come  to  be  so  hot,  and  I'd  think  how  much  it  could 
tell  if  it  would  bubble  up  and  speak  so's  we  could  understand 
it.  Mebby  it  wuz  het  in  a  big  reservoir  of  solid  gold  and 
run  some  of  the  way  through  sluice  ways  of  shinin'  silver  and 
anon  over  beds  of  diamonds  and  rubies.  How  could  I  tell ! 
but  it  kep'  silent  and  has  been  mindin'  its  own  bizness  and 
runnin'  stiddy  for  over  six  hundred  years  that  we  know  on 
and  can't  tell  how  much  longer. 

Exceptin'  in  the  great  earthquake  at  Lisbon  about  a 
hundred  and  fifty  years  ago,  it  stopped  most  still  for  a 
number  of  days,  mebby  through  fright,  but  afer  a  few 
days  it  recovered  itself  and  has  kep'  on  flowin'  stiddy  ever 
since.  It  wuz  named  for  Charles  IV.,  who  they  say  dis 
covered  it,  Charle's  Bath  or  Carlsbad.  His  statute  stands 
in  the  market-place  and  looks  quite  well.  Carlsbad  has  a 
population  of  twenty  or  thirty  thousand,  and  over  fifty  thou 
sand  people  visit  Carlsbad  every  summer  to  drink  of  the 
waters.  Drinking  and  walking  is  what  the  doctors  prescribe 
and  I  d'no  but  what  the  walking  in  the  invigorating  moun 
tain  air  does  as  much  good  as  the  water.  The  doctor  gen 
erally  makes  you  drink  a  glass  about  seven  in  the  morning, 
then  take  a  little  walk,  then  drink  another  glass,  and  another 
little  walk  and  so  on  until  about  eight,  when  you  can  go  to 
the  Swiss  bakery  and  get  the  zwiebach  or  twice  baked  bread, 
which  is  handed  you  in  a  paper  bag,  and  then  you  can  go  to 
some  cafay  on  the  sidewalk  and  get  coffee  or  tea  and  boiled 
eggs  and  make  out  your  breakfast.  No  butter  is  given  you 
unless  the  doctor  orders  it.  That  madded  Josiah  and  he 
said  they  kep'  it  back  because  they  wuz  clost  and  wanted 
to  save.  He  is  a  great  case  for  butter. 

And  then  after  resting  for  an  hour,  you  go  for  a  walk 
up  the  mountains,  or  if  you  are  too  weak  to  walk,  you  can 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    419 

get  a  cart  and  a  donkey,  the  driver  walking  alongside;  up 
the  shady  paths  you  will  go,  resting  anon  or  oftener  at  some 
pleasant  summer  house  or  cafay.  At  one  you  have  your 
dinner,  you  can  get  it  anywhere  along  your  way  or  go  back 
to  your  tarven  for  it ;  Josiah  and  I  generally  went  back  and 
got  our  dinner  at  the  tarven  and  rested  for  a  while.  After 
dinner,  folks  generally  go  for  another  walk,  but  Josiah  and 
I  and  Tommy  used  often  to  go  to  the  Sprudel  Corridor 
and  listen  to  first-rate  music  or  to  a  garden  concert  nigh  by. 

It  wuz  a  sight  to  set  in  the  Sprudel  Corridor  and  see  the 
crowds  of  people  go  by,  each  one  bearin'  a  little  mug  in  their 
hands  or  strapped  over  their  shoulders.  All  sorts  of  lookiir 
folks,  handsome  and  humbly,  tall  and  short,  thick  and  thin, 
thousands  and  thousands  of  'em  a-goin'  every  morning  for 
their  drink  and  walk,  drink  and  walk.  There  are  six  or 
eight  little  girls  at  each  of  these  springs  who  hand  the  water 
to  the  guests  and  they  have  to  work  spry  to  keep  'em  all 
supplied. 

It  wuz  a  remarkable  coincidence  that  royalty  so  soon  after 
havin'  the  advantage  of  a  interview  and  advice  from  Josiah 
Allen's  wife  should  agin  have  the  privilege  of  listenin'  to  her 
invaluable  precepts.  But  not  so  remarkable  when  you  come 
to  study  on  it  philosophically.  For  it  seems  to  be  a  law  of 
nater  that  if  one  thing  happens,  another  similar  thing  follers 
on  and  happens  too,  such  as  breakin'  dishes,  onexpected 
company,  meetin'  royalty,  etc.,  etc. 

I  wuz  settin'  alone  in  the  Sprudel  Corridor  one  day,  for 
my  pardner  had  gone  with  Tommy  to  see  a  little  donkey 
that  had  took  the  child's  fancy  and  we  meant  to  let  him 
have  a  ride  up  the  mountain  on  it  and  the  rest  of  our  party 
had  driv  out  to  Mentoni's  Spring,  about  two  milds  from 
Carlsbad. 

I  see  a  real  sweet  pretty  girl  coming  along  carrying 
her  little  mug  just  like  the  rest  of  the  folks.  She  wuz  at 
tended  by  a  good-lookin'  lady,  who  seemed  to  be  looking 
out  for  her,  and  I  hearn  a  bystander  say : 


420    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  That's  the  Queen  of  Holland." 

When  I  wuz  told  that  the  Queen  of  Holland  wuz  ap- 
proachin'  I  sez,  "  You  don't  say  so !  you  don't  say  that  that 
is  Willieminy?  " 

"  Yes,"  sez  the  bystander  standin'  by. 

And  I  tell  you  I  looked  at  her  with  all  the  eyes  I  had,  and 
if  I  had  had  a  dozen  more  I  should  have  used  them  all,  for  I 
liked  her  looks  first-rate,  fair  complected,  blue  eyes,  light 
wavy  hair,  and  a  air  of  demure  innocence  and  wisdom  that 
wuz  good  to  see.  She  wuz  pretty  and  she  wuz  good,  I  could 
see  that  as  plain  as  I  could  tell  a  buff  cochin  hen  from  a  banty. 
And  I  wuz  glad  enough,  when  havin'  discovered  sunthin' 
she  had  left  behind,  her  companion  left  her  and  went  back 
to  the  tarven  and  she  come  and  sot  down  right  by  my  side 
to  wait  for  her. 

And  as  my  rule  is,  I  immegiately  lived  up  to  my  privi 
leges  and  told  her  how  highly  tickled  I  wuz  to  have  the 
chance  to  see  her  and  tell  her  how  much  store  I  sot  by  her. 
Sez  I :  "  My  dear,  I  have  always  wanted  to  see  you  and  tell 
you  how  much  I  have  liked  almost  every  move  you've  made 
since  you  got  to  be  a  sovereign  and  before.  Your  crown 
hain't  seemed  to  be  top  heavy,  drawin'  your  fore  top  and 
your  common  sense  down  with  it  as  some  crowns  do.  You've 
wore  it  sensible  and  you've  carried  your  septer  stiddy,  and 
for  a  young  girl  like  you  to  do  them  things  has  seemed  a 
great  thing  to  me.  A  good  many  young  girls  would  be 
carried  away  if  they  wuz  in  a  place  like  yours;  I  am  most 
afraid  Tirzah  Ann  would  at  your  age." 

"  Tirzah  Ann  ?  "  sez  she  inquirin'ly. 

"  Yes,  Josiah  Allen's  girl  by  his  first  wife,"  sez  I.  "  I  did 
my  best  bringin'  her  up,  but  if  a  kag  is  filled  with  rain  water 
you  can't  tap  it  and  have  it  run  cream  or  maple  molasses. 
She  wuz  nateraly  kinder  sentimental  and  vain  and  over 
dressy,  and  keeps  up  them  traits  to  this  day.  And  I  d'no 
what  she  would  have  done  if  she'd  tried  to  rule  a  kingdom 
at  eighteen;  I  guess  her  subjects  would  have  seen  strange 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     421 

doin's  and  strange  costooms,  though  I  think  Tirzah  means 
to  be  a  Christian.  But  you've  done  first-rate,  you've  seemed 
to  study  the  best  good  of  your  subjects  and  have  made  a 
big  effort  to  have  peace  in  the  world.  I  wuz  dretul  inter 
ested  when  you  had  that  Peace  Conference  meet  in  your 
'  House  in  the  Woods.'  I'd  been  more'n  willin'  to  had  it 
meet  in  our  sugar  house,  but  it  wuzn't  big  enough,  and  it 
wuzn't  so  central;  it  wuz  better  to  have  it  where  it  wuz. 

"  I  guess  I  sot  more  store  by  your  doin's  in  that  respect 
than  by  any  other,  for  peace  is  what  a  sovereign  and  a  sub 
ject  must  'have  to  git  along  any  ways  comfortable.  And  at 
the  present  time  what  a  comfort  it  would  be  if  the  nations 
of  the  world  could  git  holt  on  it.  But  it  almost  seems  as  if 
peace  had  spread  her  wings  and  flowed  away  from  this 
planet,  such  cuttin's  up  and  actin's  are  on  every  side,  wars 
and  rumors  of  wars,  armies  and  navies  crashin'  up  aginst 
each  other,  nations  risin'  up  aginst  nation,  brothers'  hands 
lifted  up  aginst  brothers  and  the  hull  world  seemin'  to  be 
left  to  the  mercy  of  the  bloody  fiend,  War. 

"  Well,  you  and  I  can't  help  it,  Willieminy.  I've  done  all 
I  could  in  Jonesville.  I've  talked  a  sight  and  sot  Josiah  up 
all  I  could  to  vote  for  peace,  and  you've  done  all  you  could 
in  Holland,  and  so  now  we've  got  to  set  down  and  trust  in 
the  Providence  that  watches  over  Jonesville  and  Holland." 

She  acted  as  if  she  felt  real  pleased  with  my  praise,  as 
well  she  might,  and  I  sez,  "  Another  thing  I've  liked  in  you, 
Willieminy,  you  wuz  so  bound  and  determined  to  pick  out 
your  pardner  for  yourself  and  not  have  him  selected  for 
you.  Why,  good  land !  a  dress  or  a  pair  of  shues  or  gloves 
hain't  half  so  apt  to  fit  and  set  well  if  you  leave  'em  for  some 
body  else  to  pick  out  for  you,  and  much  more  a  pardner. 
I  honored  you  for  your  idees  in  that  direction,  for  you've 
probably  found  out,  my  dear,"  sez  I,  "  that  even  if  you  take 
sights  of  pains  and  pick  him  out  yourself,  a  pardner  is  sun- 
thin'  that  requires  lots  of  patience  and  long  sufferin'  to  git 
along  with,  though  real  convenient  to  have  round  lots  of 


422     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

times  when  tramps  are  about,  or  reachin'  up  overhead  in  the 
buttery,  or  at  funerals,  etc.  It  always  looks  nobler  to  have 
a  man  along  with  you  than  to  mog  along  alone.  And  men 
are  about  on  a  average  as  fur  as  their  goodness  goes  with 
their  female  pardners  most  of  the  time. 

"  But  he  will  be  no  he-angel,  if  you  cross  him  just  before 
meal  time,  or  don't  see  that  his  clothes  are  mended  up  good. 
I  hearn  once  of  a  young  bride  who  thought  her  husband  wuz 
perfect,  and  I  spoze  looked  at  his  backbone  sarahuptishushly 
from  day  to  day  a-worryin'  for  fear  his  wings  would  sprout 
out  and  he  would  soar  away  from  her  to  go  and  be  an  angel. 
But  one  day  she  mended  a  hole  in  his  pocket,  and  bein'  on- 
used  to  mendin'  she  took  a  wrong  turn,  and  sewed  the 
pocket  right  up. 

"  Well !  well !  I  don't  spoze  she  ever  worried  about  his 
angel  qualities  after  that  time.  I  spoze  he  cut  up  dretful 
and  said  words  she  never  dremp  of  his  knowin'  by  sight, 
and  she  wuz  jest  as  surprised  and  horrified  as  she  would 
have  been  to  had  a  lamb  or  a  cooin'  dove  bust  out  in  pro 
fanity.  But  he  wuz  a  likely  man,  and  got  over  it  quick, 
and  wuz  most  too  good  to  her  for  a  spell  afterwards,  as  pard 
ners  have  been  wont  to  do  on  such  occasions  ever  since  the 
creation  of  the  world. 

"  But,  as  I  say,  matrimony  has  difficulties  enough  when 
Love  heads  the  procession  and  Wedded  Bliss  plays  the  trom 
bone  in  the  orkestry." 

She  looked  real  interested  as  if  my  words  wuz  awful 
congenial  to  her.  And  whilst  watchin'  her  sweet  face  growin' 
brighter  and  sweeter,  I  thought  of  another  thing  that  I 
thought  mebby  she  had  been  worryin'  about  and  that  I  could 
comfort  her  up  in,  just  as  I  would  want  our  Tirzah  Ann  com 
forted  under  like  circumstances,  and  I  got  real  eloquent 
talkin'  about  this  before  I  got  through. 

Sez  I :  "Of  course,  my  dear,  there  wuz  some  talk  about 
your  pardner  havin'  his  eye  on  your  proppity,  but  I  wouldn't 
let  that  worry  me,  for  I've  always  said  that  if  I  wuz  a  rich, 


handsome  young  woman,  I  would  just  as  soon  be  married 
for  my  money  as  my  beauty.  They're  both  outside  of  the 
real  self,  equally  transitory,  or  in  fact,  the  money  if  invested 
in  govermunt  bonds  is  more  lasting.  For  the  national  sys 
tem  is  fur  more  firm  and  steadfast  than  the  physical. 

"  Fifty  years  hence  I  spoze  the  money  will  all  be  safe  and 
gamin'  interest,  so  if  that  is  what  a  woman  is  married  for  she 
will  keep  her  attraction  and  even  increase  it.  But  fifty  years 
hence  where  will  her  beauty  be,  if  she  wuz  married  alone  for 
that?  Where  are  its  powerful  attractions?  All  gone.  If 
she  had  nothing  but  the  beauty  of  snowy  brow  and  brilliant 
eye  and  clustering  locks  and  perfect  features. 

"  But  beauty  that  looks  from  the  soul  through  the  face. 
Ah !  that  is  another  thing !  That  still  remains  when  the 
dusky  hair  is  changed  to  white,  when  the  glow  is  turned 
to  shadows  in  the  eyes,  when  the  lithe  form  is  bent.  That  is 
a  bit  of  the  eternal,  and  forever  young  like  its  Creator.  You 
have  got  that  beauty,  my  dear,  as  well  as  proppity,  so  don't 
worry." 

I  felt  real  eloquent,  and  I  could  see  by  her  looks  that 
I  wuz  impressin'  her  powerfully  and  givin'  her  sights  of  com 
fort  in  her  tryin'  place. 

But  I  knew  that  eppisodin',  though  interestin'  and  agree 
able,  devoured  time,  and  I  knew  that  I  must  hold  my  elo 
quent  emotions  back  and  let  Common  Sense  take  the  reins 
and  conclude  my  remarks,  so  I  sez: 

"  I  hope  from  the  bottom  of  my  heart  that  your  pardner 
is  a  good  man,  one  that  hain't  too  uppish,  and  is  willin'  to 
chore  round  the  house  a  little  if  necessary,  and  set  store 
by  you  in  youth  and  age,  and  that  you  and  he  will  live  happy 
and  reign  long  over  a  peaceful  and  happy  land." 

I  see  her  companion  in  the  distance  comin'  slowly  back 
as  if  not  hardly  dastin'  to  interrupt  our  conversation,  and  I 
sez,  "  Good-by,  my  dear,  and  God  bless  you.  Give  my  re 
spects  to  your  pardner  and  Queen  Emma,  and  if  you  ever 
come  to  Jonesville  I  would  love  to  have  you  make  me  a  all 


424    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

day's  visit,  and  I'll  invite  the  children  and  kill  a  hen  and 
make  a  fuss. 

"I  don't  spoze  Jonesville  is  so  neat  as  Amsterdam;  I 
spoze  you  can  set  down  and  eat  offen  the  sidewalk  in  Hol 
land  most-  anywhere,  but  I  am  called  a  good  housekeeper, 
and  will  do  the  best  I  can.  And  now  I  don't  want  you  to  put 
yourself  out  in  the  matter,  but  if  you  should  come  and 
could  manage  it  handy,  if  your  ma  would  bring  me  some 
of  your  tulip  seeds  I'd  swop  with  her  and  give  her  some  of 
the  handsomest  sunflowers  she  ever  laid  eyes  on,  and  they 
make  splendid  food  for  hens  to  make  'em  lay." 

She  didn't  give  me  any  answer  about  this  'either  way, 
and  I  thought  mebby  her  ma  might  be  short  on  it  for  bulbs, 
and  I  wouldn't  say  anything  more  about  it.  But  she  bid  me 
good-by  real  pleasant  and  we  shook  hands  and  wuz  jest 
partin'  away  from  each  other  when  I  thought  of  another 
very  important  thing  that  I  wanted  to  warn  the  dear  young 
queen  about,  and  I  turned  round  and  sez : 

"  Oh,  I  must  warn  you  solemnly  of  one  thing  more  be 
fore  we  part;  I  have  worried  a  sight  about  it;  thinkin'  so 
much  on  you  as  I  do,  I  have  been  dretful  afraid  that  you 
would  be  overflowed.  If  there  should  be  big  rains  and  the 
ocean  should  rise  half  an  inch  I've  felt  I  didn't  know  what 
would  become  of  you.  You  had  better  keep  wash-tubs  and 
pails  handy  and  don't  be  ketched  out  without  rubber  boots, 
and  keep  your  eye  on  leakages  in  the  ground  as  well  as 
govermuntal  and  financial  affairs.  And  now  again  I  will 
say,  my  dear,  God  bless  you  and  farewell." 

She  shook  hands  agin  quite  warm,  and  with  a  sweet  smile 
on  a  pretty  young  face  she  assured  me  that  she  would  be 
careful,  and  she  jined  her  companion  and  went  on  towards 
the  spring.  And  I  know  she  wuz  dretful  pleased  with  what 
I'd  said  to  her  for  I  hearn  her  fairly  laugh  out  as  she  told  the 
lady  about  it. 

Whilst  we  wuz  in  Carlsbad  Miss  Meechim  took  the  mud 
baths.  She  said  they  wuz  considered  very  genteel  and  I 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN' 8  WIFE    425 

guess  mebby  they  wuz,  so  many  things  are  genteel  that  are 
kinder  disagreeable.  They  wuz  also  said  to  be  first-rate  for 
the  rumatiz  and  the  nerves.  But  it  seemed  to  me  I  had  al 
most  ruther  have  nerves  than  to  be  covered  all  over  with  that 
nasty  black  mud. 

They  take  about  sixty  pounds  of  clay  and  mix  it  with 
the  hot  spring  water  till  it  is  just  about  as  thick  as  I  make 
the  batter  for  buckwheat  cakes  in  Jonesville,  and  I  make  that 
jest  about  as  thick  as  I  do  my  Injin  bread.  And  you  git 
into  this  bath  and  stay  about  half  an  hour.  Then  of  course 
before  you're  let  loose  in  society  you're  gin  a  clean  water 
bath  to  git  the  mud  off.  Miss  Meechim  thought  they  helped 
her  a  sight,  and  mebby  they  did,  and  she  boasted  a  lot  how 
genteel  they  wuz. 

•But  I  told  her  I  had  never  been  in  the  habit  of  settin' 
store  by  mud  and  lookin'  up  to  it,  and  didn't  believe  I  should 
begin  at  this  late  day,  but  Josiah's  rumatiz  wuz  so  bad  I  didn't 
know  but  he  had  better  take  one.  But  he  said  he  had  took 
one  in  Jonesville  some  years  ago  that  would  last  him  durin' 
his  nateral  life. 

He  did  fall  into  a  deep  mud-puddle  one  night  goin'  to 
sister  Celestine  Gowdey's  for  a  bask  pattern  for  Tirzah  Ann. 
And  it  bein'  dark  and  the  puddle  a  deep  one  he  floundered 
round  in  it  till  he  looked  more  like  a  drownded  rat  than  a 
human  bein'.  He  never  could  bear  basks  from  that  hour  till 
this,  and  he  has  always  dated  his  rumatiz  from  that  time,  but 
it  hain't  so;  he  had  it  before.  But  'tennyrate  he  wouldn't 
take  the  mud  baths  at  Carlsbad,  nor  none  of  us  did  but  Miss 
Meechim.  Howsumever  there  are  lots  of  folks  that  set  store 
by  'em. 


CHAPTER    XXXIV 

ELL,  we  went  back  to  Vienna,  and  from  there 
sot  sail  for  Berlin,  homeward  bound.  Josiah 
was  in  dretful  good  sperits,  and  said  that  no 
monument  or  obelisk  we  had  seen  on  our  tower 
could  ever  roust  up  his  admiration  like  the 
Jonesville  M.  E.  steeple  when  he  should  first  ketch  sight  on't 
loomin'  up  beautiful  and  glorious  from  the  enrapturin'  Jones 
ville  scenery. 

And  I  felt  a  good  deal  as  he  did,  but  knowed  that  his 
feelin's  made  him  go  too  fur,  for  Jonesville  scenery  hain't 
enrapturin',  and  the  M.  E.  steeple  hain't  glorious  in  aspect. 
But  truly  Love  is  the  greatest  sculptor  and  gilder  in  the 
world,  and  handles  his  brush  in  the  most  marvellous  way. 
Under  his  magic  touch  the  humblest  cottage  walls  glows 
brighter  than  any  palace.  We  had  turned  our  footsteps 
toward  home  sweet  home,  and  a  light  from  above  gilt  them 
sacred  precincts,  and  my  own  heart  sung  as  glad  a  tune  as 
Josiah's,  though  I  tried  to  sing  it  as  much  as  I  could  in  the 
key  of  common  sense. 

Well,  we  found  that  Berlin  wuz  a  big,  beautiful  clean 
city.  It  is  the  capital  of  Prussia  and  the  German  empire, 
which  we  all  know  is  divided  up  into  little  kingdoms,  some 
as  the  Sylvester  Bobbett  farm  is  divided  up,  but  kinder 
lookin'  up  to  Sylvester  as  the  head  on't.  The  old  part  of 
the  city  hain't  so  remarkable  attractive,  but  the  new  part  is 
beautiful  in  its  buildings  and  streets.  And  somehow  the 
passersby  look  cleaner  and  better  off  than  in  most  cities.  We 
didn't  see  a  blind  beggar  man  led  by  a  dog  or  a  ragged  female 
beggin'  for  alms  whilst  we  wuz  there,  which  is  more  than 
our  cities  at  home  can  boast  of. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    427 

But  in  spite  of  all  this,  I  spoze  there  is  a  good  deal  of 
cuttin'  up  and  behavin'  there. 

And  I  don't  spoze  that  the  name  of  the  river  that  runs 
through  it  has  anything  to  do  with  that,  though  Josiah 
thought  it  did.  He  said :  "  You  couldn't  expect  many  morals 
or  much  stiddy  behavior  round  a  river  Spree." 

But  I  don't  spoze  the  name  made  a  mite  of  difference. 
The  water  seemed  to  run  along  as  smooth  and  placid  as 
Dove  Creek,  that  bathes  the  streets  of  Loontown  at  home. 
Indeed,  the  waters  of  the  Spree  runs  along  real  slow  and 
quiet.  And  I  spoze  the  inhabitants  there  are  about  on  a 
equality  with  the  dwellers  in  other  cities  in  the  old  and  new 
world.  Human  nater  is  a  good  deal  the  same  wherever  you 
find  it.  And  I've  always  said  that  if  I  wanted  to  write  a 
heart-searchin',  heart-meltin'  tragedy,  I  had  just  as  soon 
turn  away  from  the  big  cities  and  go  into  some  lonesome 
hamlet  of  New  England,  into  some  big  faded  farmhouse 
standin'  by  a  dark  weed-bordered  sluggish  creek,  shaded 
by  tall  pollard  willers.  And  there,  behind  the  scraggly 
lilocks  and  cinnamon  roses,  and  closed  blinds  of  solid  wood, 
with  a  little  heart-shaped  hole  in  the  centre  that  casts  strange 
shadders  on  the  clean  painted  floor  within,  there  I  would 
find  my  tragedy  material. 

Mebby  in  some  tall,  scrawny  woman's  form,  clad  in 
brown  calico,  with  scanty  gray  hair  drawed  tightly  back 
from  a  pale  face  and  imprisoned  in  a  little  hard  knob  at  the 
back. 

When  that  hair  wuz  brown,  and  the  mornin'  sun  wuz 
ketched  in  its  glistenin',  wavin'  tendrils,  and  the  sunken 
cheeks  wuz  round  and  pink  as  one  of  the  cinnamon  roses, 
and  the  faded  ambrotype  of  the  young  soldier  in  her  red 
wooden  chest  upstairs  wuz  materialized  in  a  handsome  young 
man,  who  walked  with  her  under  the  old  willows  when  the 
slow-moving  brook  run  swift  with  fancy's  flight  and  her 
heart  beat  happily,  and  life  wuz  new  and  radiant  with  love 
and  joy 


428     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Before  the  changes  come  that  swept  them  apart  and 
left  only  a  hollow,  empty  chamber  in  each  heart,  echoin' 
with  footsteps  that  are  walkin'  heavily  fur  apart. 

Then,  if  I  could  write  the  full  history  of  that  life,  its  joys 
and  its  sorrows,  its  aspirations,  its  baffled  hopes,  its  compen 
sations  that  didn't  compensate,  the  bareness  of  the  life,  the 
dagger-sharp  trials  with  what  is  called  small  things,  the  wild 
heart  struggles  veiled  by  the  New  England  coldness  of  ex 
pression,  some  as  her  sharp  crags  and  stuns  are  covered  with 
the  long  reign  of  ice  and  snow.  The  heartsick  loneliness  of 
oncongenial  surroundin's,  the  gradual  fading  away  of  hope 
and  fears  into  the  dead  monotonous  calm  of  hopelessness 
and  despair. 

There  is  a  tragedy  ready  for  the  pen  that  would  stand 
out  as  much  more  striking  and  sharp-edged  as  the  stun  on 
a  ontravelled  highway  is  rougher  than  one  worn  down  to 
smoothness  by  the  feet  of  the  multitude,  a  tragedy  that 
would  move  the  world  could  I  tell  it  as  it  really  is. 

But  good  land!  What  a  hand  to  eppisode  I  be  when  I 
git  to  goin'.  I  must  stop  this  very  minute,  or  I'll  have  the 
tragedy  Alfred  Tennyson  speaks  on  "  Dyin'  a  Listener,"  on 
my  hands. 

Unter  der  Linden  is  as  beautiful  and  imposing  an  avenue 
as  I  see  on  my  tower,  with  tall,  handsome  houses  risin'  up 
on  each  side  on't.  And  there  are  beautiful  parks  and  pleas 
ure  ground  and  places  of  recreation  of  all  kinds. 

The  Academy  of  Music  is  famous  for  its  fine  concerts, 
the  city  seems  the  very  home  of  melody,  and  beautiful  stat 
utes  are  seen  on  every  side.  The  equestrian  statute  of 
Frederic  the  Great  is  a  grand  one,  and  Josiah  got  all  rousted 
up  lookin'  at  it,  and  talked  considerable  to  me  about  what  a 
imposin'  figger  he  himself  would  make  if  he  could  be 
sculped  settin'  on  the  mair.  He  said  it  would  be  a  lovely 
sight  a  loomin'  up  in  front  of  the  M.  E.  meetin'-house  in 
Jonesville.  But  I  got  his  mind  off  from  it  quick  as  I  could. 

One  day  when  we  wuz  out  drivin'  through  the  hand- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    429 

some  streets  we  went  to  see  the  palace  of  Bismark.  It  wuz 
a  large,  stately  mansion,  opposite  a  pretty  little  park.  But 
though  this  seemed  the  very  abode  of  luxury,  I  wuz  told 
that  Bismark  loved  the  country  fur  better,  and  as  Josiah 
and  I  delighted  in  the  fields  of  Jonesville,  so  he  loved  sweet 
Nature,  and  follered  her  all  he  could  into  her  hants  in  the 
country.  Josiah  sot  store  by  Bismark,  and  honors  his  mem 
ory,  and  he  seemed  real  tickled  when  I  sez  to  him : 

i"  Bismark  always  reminded  me  of  you,  Josiah,  from 
what  I've  read  of  him." 

Josiah  was  very  tickled,  and  he  sez  with  a  proud  happy 
look,  "  Yes,  I  spoze  I  am  a  good  deal  like  him,  he  wuz  as 
brave  as  a  lion,  had  good  sound  horse  sense  and " 

But  I  sez  calmly,  "  I  dare  presoom  to  say,  Josiah,  that 
that  is  so.  But  I  wuz  alludin'  to  his  appetite,  I  have  hearn 
that  he  had  a  splendid  and  immense  appetite." 

Josiah  acted  huffy,  and  I  drawed  his  attention  off  onto 
the  corners  of  base  relief  and  the  white  statters  ornamentin' 
the  ruff. 

To  our  great  sorrow,  we  found  that  Emperor  William 
wuzn't  to  home.  I  spoze  it  will  be  a  great  disappointment 
to  him  when  he  hears  on't  that  Josiah  and  I  had  really  been 
there  right  to  his  home  and  he  shouldn't  be  there.  I  well 
know  how  bad  I  should  feel  if  Potentates  come  to  Jones 
ville  and  I  happened  to  be  off  on  a  tower.  And  then  I  hon 
ored  Emperor  William  for  his  kind  heart  and  kind  actions 
and  his  good  sense,  and  felt  bad  enough  to  think  I  wuzn't 
goin'  to  see  him. 

But  owin'  to  Robert  Strong's  gittin'  a  letter  from  some 
body  to  somebody,  we  went  through  the  palace  just  as  I 
would  want  William  to  go  through  our  house  in  Jonesville 
and  the  carriage-house  and  barn,  if  we  happened  to  be  away 
a  visitin'  when  he  come  our  way. 

And  oh,  what  a  sight  that  palace  wuz  on  the  inside 
when  we  come  to  go  through  it,  and  the  outside  too  looked 


430     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

well,  very  strong  and  massive  and  handsum  and  big,  enor 
mous  big. 

Why,  it  contains  six  hundred  rooms.  And  Miss  Cor 
nelius  Bobbett  thought  she  had  reached  the  very  hite  of 
grandeur  when  she  moved  into  their  new  house  that  had 
six  big  rooms  beside  the  bedrooms.  And  it  did  go  fur 
ahead  of  the  average  Jonesville  housen.  But  when  I  stood 
in  William's  white  saloon  and  our  party  wuz  givin'  utterance 
to  different  ejaculations  of  surprise  and  admiration  I  only  sez 
instinctively : 

"  Oh,  if  Sister  Cornelius  Bobbett  only  could  see  this 
room!  what  would  she  say?  How  her  pride  would  be  low 
ered  down." 

For  it  did  seem  to  me  the  most  beautiful  room  I  ever 
beheld.  It  was  more  than  a  hundred  feet  long,  and  about 
half  that  in  width,  and  the  crystal  glitter  overhead  reflected 
in  the  shinin'  floor  below  wuz  ahead  of  anything  I  had  ever 
seen,  as  brilliant  as  a  hull  forest  of  ice-sickles  mingled  in 
with  statutes  and  columns  and  angels  and  everything  else 
beautiful. 

Here  in  this  room  Sessions  of  Parliament  are  opened. 
And  I  thought  the  laws  ort  to  be  grand  and  noble  indeed 
to  make  'em  worthy  of  the  place  they  was  made  in. 

But,  immense  as  this  room  wuz,  the  picture  gallery  is 
most  as  big  agin  and  full  of  beauty  and  inspiration  from 
wall  to  wall  and  from  floor  to  ceilin'.  The  palace  chapel  is 
kinder  round  in  shape,  and  has  all  sorts  of  soft  and  rich- 
colored  marbles  in  the  floor  and  wall.  The  altar  wuz  made 
of  Egyptian  marble,  a  kind  of  buff  color,  and  the  pulpit  wuz 
made  of  Carrera  marble.  I  spoze  powerful  sermons  have 
been  preached  from  that  pulpit. 

In  Berlin  the  most  beautiful  pictures  are  to  be  seen  on 
every  side  on  palace  walls  and  in  picture  galleries,  Dorothy 
and  Robert  just  doted  on  'em  and  so  did  I.  But  Josiah 
always  complained  of  his  corns  whilst  walkin'  through  'em. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    431 

A  picture  gallery  just  started  them  corns  to  achin'  the  worst 
kind  from  his  tell. 

The  Bourse  is  sunthin'  like  our  stock  exchange,  but  big 
enough  to  accommodate  thousands  of  money-seekers.  I 
spoze  they  have  lively  times  here  anon  or  oftener — the  river 
Spree  runs  right  in  front  on't  (though  I  don't  think  that 
makes  a  mite  of  difference). 

More  than  fifty  bridges  cross  this  river  and  it  divides  out 
into  canals  and  little  streams,  all  of  which  comes  together 
agin  and  flows  away  into  the  sea. 

The  Alson  bridge  is  one  of  the  most  beautiful  bridges  I 
ever  sot  my  eyes  on,  and  not  fur  off  is  the  Alson  Platz,  a  very 
charming  public  garden.  Shady  paths,  trees,  flowers,  sculp 
ture,  all  make  this  garden  very  attractive. 

Not  fur  off  is  the  Konigs  Platz,  one  of  the  most  imposing 
parts  of  the  city.  In  the  centre  of  this  square  stands  the 
grand  monument  to  Victory,  it  is  high  and  lofty  as  a  monu 
ment  to  Victory  ort  to  be,  solid  and  massive  at  the  base 
(for  in  order  to  be  successful  you  have  got  to  have  a  good 
underpinnin'  of  principle  and  gumption)  and  crowned  with 
a  noble-lookin'  figger,  standin'  amidst  a  flock  of  eagles. 

The  Royal  Theatre  is  a  handsome  building  and  looks 
some  in  front  like  our  own  Capitol  in  Washington,  D.  C. 
It  stands  between  two  meetin'-houses,  as  if  it  laid  out  to  set 
back  and  enjoy  its  neighborhood  and  be  real  respectable. 

In  front  of  it  stands  a  fine  monument  to  the  German 
poet,  Schiller.  I  sot  store  by  him.  Thomas  J.  used  to  read 
his  books  to  his  Pa  and  me  a  good  deal  when  he  wuz  tendin' 
the  Cademy  to  Jonesville,  his  dramas  and  his  poems,  so  Jo- 
siah  and  I  felt  quite  well  acquainted  with  him,  and  when 
we  see  his  name  here  amidst  foreign  seens  it  give  us  quite 
agreeable  emotions,  some  as  if  we  wuz  a  travellin'  in  Africa 
and  should  see  a  obelisk  riz  up  with  Deacon  Henzy's  name 
on  it.  Also  I  wuz  interested  in  looking  at  the  beautiful  eques 
trian  statute  of  Frederic  William  the  illustrious  elector,  who 
did  so  much  to  make  his  country  great. 


432    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

It  stands  on  a  bridge,  as  if  dominating  sea  and  land,  as 
he  did  a  good  deal  whilst  he  wuz  alive.  He  looks  calm  and 
powerful,  and  has  a  look  on  his  face  as  if  he  could  do  most 
anything  he  sot  out  to  do.  And  the  four  slaves  groupe'd 
round  the  base  of  the  statute  seem  to  look  up  to  him  as  if 
they  trusted  him  implicitly. 

His  clothes  wuzn't  exactly  what  I  would  want  Josiah 
sculped  in  if  he  wuz  to  be  rared  up  in  marble,  and  it  seems  as 
if  so  many  skirts  and  such  a  long  cloak  floatin'  out  must  be 
in  a  man's  way  if  he  wuz  in  a  hurry.  But  where  is  there  any 
thing  perfect  here  below?  It  wuz  remarkably  handsome, 
take  it  as  a  hull. 

Dorothy  and  Robert  said  they  wanted  to  see  the  statute 
of  Gerty. 

And  Josiah  whispered  to  me  and  sez,  "  Gerty  who?  I 
didn't  know  as  they  knew  any  Gertrude  that  wuz  buried 
here." 

And  I  whispered  back,  "  They  mean  Goethe,  Josiah.  You 
know  Thomas  J.  has  read  us  quite  a  lot  of  his  writings."  Sez 
I,  "  Don't  you  remember  about  little  Mignon,  who  wuz  so 
home-sick  for  her  own  land,  and  would  keep  askin' : 

'Knowest  thou  the  land  where  citron  apples  bloom, 
And  oranges  like  gold  amidst  the  leafy  gloom?  ' 

"  You  remember  it,  Josiah.  I've  seen  you  shed  tears 
when  he  wuz  readin'  about  her." 

And  Josiah  whispered  back  in  a  loud  shrill  whisper  that 
I  know  they  hearn :  "  If  they  wanted  to  see  Go-ethe,  why 
didn't  they  say  Go-ethe  ?  "  (He  always  would  pronounce 
his  name  to  rhyme  with  sheath.) 

I  felt  mortified,  nothin'  seems  worse  when  you're  tryin' 
to  quell  a  pardner  down  than  to  have  him  whisper  back  so 
loud.  Why,  I  have  had  Josiah  right  to  my  own  table  when 
I've  had  company  and  he  wuz  makin'  onlucky  remarks,  I've 
known  him  to  ask  me  right  out  what  I  wuz  steppin'  on  his 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    433 

toe  for,  and  I  wuz  worse  off  than  as  if  I  hadn't  tried  to  curb 
him  in.  But  then  he  has  a  host  of  good  qualities,  and  pard- 
ners  are  dretful  handy  lots  of  times.  But  life  is  a  kind  of  a 
warfare  to  the  best  and  happiest  on  us. 

Well  we  all  went  to  see  the  statute  to  Goethe ;  it  stands 
in  a  pleasant  spot  in  the  Thiergarten  surrounded  by  shrubs 
and  trees.  The  face  of  the  great  poet  is  full  of  the  sadness 
and  glory  of  them  that  see  visions  and  dream  dreams. 
Grouped  about  him  are  the  sculptured  forms  of  Tragedy, 
Lyrical  Poetry,  and  Research.  It  wuz  a  impressive  monu 
ment  and  rousted  up  more  emotions  in  me  than  any  that  I 
see  in  Berlin. 

Well,  we  didn't  stay  long  in  Prussia,  for  the  cords  that 
wuz  drawin'  us  home  tightened  from  day  to  day,  the  children 
and  Philury  drawin'  them  cords  closter  ever  and  anon  with 
long  and  loving  letters,  and  we  hastened  on  to  Hamburg.  It 
wuz  a  lovely  day  when  we  sot  out  on  our  journey  and  we 
wuz  all  feelin'  well,  specially  Josiah  and  I,  for  every  revolu 
tion  of  the  wheels  brought  us  nigher  to  our  beloved  Jonesville 
and  every  toot  of  the  engine  seemed  to  shout  afresh  the  joy 
ful  tidin's  to  us  that  we  had  sot  our  faces  towards  the  bright 
hearth  stun  of  home. 

We  had  no  eventful  experiences  on  the  journey  to  relate, 
unless  it  wuz  a  interview  we  had  with  a  young  man,  a  Fresh 
man  I  believe  he  wuz  from  some  college,  travellin'  with  his 
tutor,  and  he  seemed  real  fresh,  he  seemed  to  have  plenty 
of  money  but  a  scarcity  of  brains,  or  mebby  he  had  enough 
brains,  but  they  seemed  to  be  in  a  sort  of  a  soft  state,  and  I 
guess  they'll  harden  up  some  when  he  gits  older  if  he  has 
good  luck  with  them. 

I  wuz  most  a  good  mind  to  advise  him  to  set  in  the  sun 
bareheaded  all  he  could,  thinkin'  mebby  it  might  harden 
'em  some,  but  didn't  know  how  it  would  be  took. 

He  thought  he  knew  a  sight,  but  the  shadder  he  really 
cast  on  worldly  affairs  wuz  exceedingly  small,  he  could  step 
over  it  the  hull  time,  but  he  felt  that  it  reached  the  horizon. 

98 


434    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Robert  talked  quite  a  good  deal  with  him,  to  pass  away  the 
time  I  spoze,  but  there  wuz  a  queer  smile  in  his  eyes  and 
kinder  patient  and  long  sufferin'  as  if  to  say : 

"  You'll  know  more  in  the  future  than  you  do  now  and  I'll 
bear  with  you." 

The  young  man  thought  he  wuz  patronizin'  Robert,  I 
knew  from  his  liniment.  He  wuz  a  infidel,  and  seemed  to 
think  it  made  him  very  smart.  You  know  some  folks  do 
think  it  is  real  genteel  to  doubt  and  a  mark  of  a  deep  thinker. 

I  hearn  him  go  on  for  quite  a  spell,  for  Robert  wouldn't 
argy  with  him,  thinkin'  I  spoze  it  might  strain  his  arm  to 
hit  at  vacancy.  But  at  last  I  seemed  to  have  to  speak  up  to 
Miss  Meechim  and  say: 

"  How  strange  it  is  that  some  folks  think  the  less  they  be 
lieve  the  bigger  it  makes  'em,  but  good  land !  it  don't  take 
much  intellect  to  believe  in  nothin',  it  don't  strain  the  mind 
any  if  it  is  ever  so  weak." 

I  guess  he  hearn  me,  for  he  kinder  changed  his  talk  and 
went  to  patronizin'  the  scenery.  Well,  it  wuz  beautiful  a 
good  deal  of  the  way,  though  at  the  last  of  our  journey  it 
broke  out  rainy  all  of  a  sudden  right  whilst  Josiah  wuz  all 
engaged  in  admirin'  a  particular  view,  and  it  grew  cold  and 
disagreeable.  And  he  bein'  tired  out,  worried  a  sight  about 
the  rain  and  the  suddenness  on't  and  how  it  stopped  his 
sight-seein'  and  brung  on  his  rumatiz,  and  he  complained 
of  his  corns  and  his  tight  boots,  and  said  that  I  had  ort  to 
seen  that  he  wuz  dressed  thicker,  and  fretted  and  acted. 
And  I  sez : 

"  You've  got  to  take  things  as  they  come,  Josiah.  I 
couldn't  send  anybody  out  this  mornin'  to  bring  in  a  pail  of 
weather  to  see  if  it  wuz  goin'  to  rain.  You've  got  to  take 
it  as  it  comes,  and  when  it  comes,  and  make  the  best  on't." 

But  he  still  acted  restless  and  oneasy,  and  most  cried,  he 
felt  so  bad.  And  I  went  on  and  dilated  on  the  merits  of 
calmness  and  serenity  and  how  beautiful  traits  they  wuz 
and  how  much  to  be  desired. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    435 

And  he  snapped  me  up  enough  to  take  my  head  off,  and 
said  that  he  "  couldn't  always  be  calm  and  wuzn't  goin'  to 
try  to  be." 

"  No,"  sez  I  reasonable,  "  you've  got  to  be  megum  in 
that,  or  in  eatin'  bread  and  milk;  of  course,  you  could  kill 
yourself  on  that,  though  it  seems  innocent  and  harmless; 
you  can  carry  everything  too  fur." 

And  seein'  that  his  liniment  still  bore  the  marks  of  rest 
less  oneasiness  and  onhappiness,  I  eppisoded  a  little  on  his 
side  of  the  question,  for  what  will  not  a  woman  do  to  ease 
a  pardner's  mind  and  comfort  him? 

"  Yes,  Josiah,  Cousin  Joel  Smith's  life  used  to  be  so 
serene  and  so  deadly  calm  on  all  occasions  that  she  used 
to  mad  Uncle  Joel,  who  wuz  of  a  lively  and  active  tempera 
ment,  like  the  most  of  the  Smiths. 

"  I  asked  Joel  once  on  a  visit  there,  when  she  had  been  so 
collected  together  and  monotonous  in  aspect,  and  talked 
with  such  oneven  and  sweetness  of  tone  that  I  got  dead  tired 
on't  myself,  and  felt  that  I  had  been  lookin'  on  a  sunbaked 
prairie  for  months,  and  would  have  been  glad  enough  to 
had  her  got  up  a  change  of  liniment  some  way,  and  a  change 
of  axent  higher  or  lower,  I  sez  to  Cousin  Joel. 

"  Do  you  spoze  Serintha  Jane  would  git  excited  and  look 
any  different  and  talk  any  faster  or  louder  if  the  house  should 
get  afire?  " 

And  he  said  no,  the  house  did  git  afire  once,  when  he 
wuz  away.  And  she  discovered  it  in  the  morning  whilst  she 
wuz  makin'  some  scollops  in  her  hair  (she  always  had  her 
hair  scolloped  just  as  even  as  ever  a  baby's  petticoat  wuz), 
keepin'  that  too  calm  and  fixed  through  bangs  and  braids. 
She  had  scolloped  it  on  one  side  and  wuz  just  beginnin'  it  on 
the  other  when  she  see  the  fire,  and  she  went  gently  to  the 
door,  opened  it  in  a  quiet  ladylike  way,  and  asked  a  neighbor 
goin'  by  in  her  low  even  axent,  if  he  would  kindly  stop  a 
minute.  And  the  neighbor  stopped  and  she  said  sweetly: 


436    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

"  Could  I  trouble  you  to  do  a  little  errand  for  me  if  you 
are  going  down  town,  or  would  it  incommode  you?" 

He  said  he  would  do  it. 

Well,  she  said  she  didn't  want  him  incommoded,  "  but," 
sez  she,  "  if  it  is  not  too  much  trouble  will  you  please  tell 
my  husband  that  I  would  like  to  have  him  come  home  as  soon 
as  he  can  make  it  convenient  to  do  so,  for  the  house  is 
afire."  And  then  she  smiled  sweetly  and  made  a  low  bow, 
and  went  back  into  the  house  lookin'  real  serene,  and  went 
to  scollopin'  the  other  side  of  her  fore-top. 

The  neighbor  started  off  wildly  on  the  run  hollerin' 
"  fire !  "  and  "  help !  "  for  he  see  the  flames  bustin'  out  of  one 
of  the  chamber  winders.  He  got  the  fire  engine  and  the 
neighbors  collected,  and  got  most  of  the  furniture  out  be 
low,  and  they  couldn't  hardly  git  her  to  make  a  move,  for 
she  hadn't  got  the  last  scallop  made,  but  finally  somebody 
grabbed  her,  and  kinder  hauled  her  out,  she  a  tryin'  to  smile, 
they  say,  and  look  calm,  as  she  was  borne  out. 

I  told  Joel,  before  I  thought,  that  "  she  ort  to  been 
singed,  and  that  it  would  have  done  her  good,  mebby  it 
would  rousted  her  up  a  little." 

And  I  guess  he  felt  so  too,  though  he  didn't  say  so.  Jo- 
siah  looked  real  interested,  and  I  sez,  fur  I  didn't  dast  to  have 
the  encouragement  go  too  fur  that  way : 

"  Calmness  and  serenity  are  beautiful,  Josiah,  and  almost 
always  desirable,  though  when  a  house  gits  afire  you  ort  to 
let  up  on  'em  a  little." 

Josiah's  liniment  looked  quite  a  little  clearer,  but  some 
shadders  still  remained,  and  I  went  on  tenderly  and  pictured 
out  to  him  the  first  meal  I  would  cook  for  him  when  we  got 
home.  And  then  his  liniment  grew  peaceful  and  happy, 
and  he  sez  gratefully : 

"  You're  so  calmin'  to  the  nerves,  Samantha,  when  you 
set  out  to  be,  you're  a  perfect  iodine." 

I  d'no  really  what  he  did  mean,  I  guess  it  wuz  anodyne, 
I  keep  a  bottle  to  home  for  nerves.  But  'tennyrate  in  a  few 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    437 

minutes  he  wuz  talkin'  quite  glib  about  home  and  the  chil 
dren  and  I  felt  richly  repaid  for  all  my  trouble.  And  with 
such  little  agreeable  talk  and  eppisodin'  did  I  try  to  diversify 
the  weariness  of  travel. 

Josiah  is  a  great  case  for  Hamburg  steaks,  and  he  con 
fided  to  me  the  hope  that  we  would  git  some  here  that  would 
go  even  beyond  any  that  I  had  ever  cooked  and  that  would 
ensure  him  a  future  of  this  delicious  food.  But  we  didn't  see 
a  sign  on  'em  in  the  city.  He  wuz  bitterly  disappinted. 

Hamburg  is  a  free  state,  small,  but  I  spoze  feelin'  quite 
big  and  independent.  It  is  ruled  by  a  Senate  of  eighteen 
members,  and  a  house  of  Burgesses  of  one  hundred  and 
ninety-two  members,  and  they  make  their  own  laws  and 
keep  'em,  I  spoze,  the  most  on  'em,  and  get  along  quite  well 
and  prosperous. 

There  is  a  beautiful  little  lake  in  the  heart  of  the  city  on 
which  small  gaily  painted  boats  dart  to  and  fro  carrying  pas 
sengers  like  omnibuses  in  city  streets.  Beautiful  bridges 
cross  the  Alster,  a  tributary  of  the  Danube,  and  tall  handsome 
houses  line  the  streets. 

They  are  great  cases  for  flowers  there  in  Hamburg.  You 
meet  flower  shops  and  flower  sellers  on  every  side.  But  they 
are  not  the  beautiful  flower  girls  we  read  of  in  stories.  They 
are  mostly  old  wimmen,  too  old  for  hard  work.  They  wear 
short  skirts,  comin'  just  below  their  knees,  black  bodices, 
long  black  stockings  with  gay  colored  garters,  wooden  shoes, 
broad-brimmed  hats,  saucer  shaped,  trimmed  with  stiff  black 
cambric  bows. 

We  wuz  only  there  for  one  day,  but  long  enough  to  drive 
through  the  principal  streets  and  see  some  of  the  principal 
sights  and  git  rested  some,  and  then  we  sailed  away  for  Home 
Sweet  Home,  via  London,  England. 

We  didn't  stay  very  long  in  London,  but  long  enough 
so  we  could  look  about  us  some.  Robert  Strong  had  con 
siderable  bizness  to  attend  to  there,  which,  of  course,  de 
voured  his  time,  and  Dorothy  had  a  number  of  young  girl 


438    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

friends  who  lived  there,  and  she  wanted  to  go  and  see  them, 
and  she  entertained  'em  at  our  tarven:  sweet,  fresh-com 
plected  young  girls;  they  wuz  almost  as  pretty  as  Dorothy 
herself,  but  not  quite. 

Arvilly  had  a  cousin  on  her  own  side  that  she  wanted 
to  visit,  and,  of  course,  she  wanted  to  canvass  more  or  less,  so 
that  left  Josiah  and  I  free  a  good  deal  of  the  time  to  go  and 
come  as  we  liked.  Of  course  dear  Little  Tommy  wanted 
to  see  everything  and  go  everywhere.  Miss  Meechim  and 
Dorothy  took  Tommy  with  them  several  times,  and  so  did 
Robert  Strong,  and,  of  course,  some  days  when  we  wuz  all 
at  liberty  we  would  all  go  out  together  sightseeing.  Josiah 
said  most  the  first  thing  that  he  wanted  to  see  the  Tower  of 
London,  and  Tommy  wanted  to  see  the  Crystal  Palace,  takin' 
a  fancy  to  the  name  I  spoze,  and  I  told  'em  we  would  go  to 
these  places  the  first  chance  we  had. 

But  deep  in  my  heart  wuz  one  purpose.  I  had  laid  on 
a  certain  plan  day  and  night,  kep'  it  in  my  mind  and 
lotted  on  it.  But  of  this  more  anon.  This  wuz  my  major 
plan.  Amongst  my  minor  ones  wuz  my  desire  to  see  West 
minster  Abbey  agin.  I  had  been  there  once  on  a  former 
tower,  but  I  wanted  to  stand  agin  by  the  tombs  of  them  I  so 
deeply  honored ;  and  the  rest  of  the  party  feelin'  as  I  did,  we 
all  set  out  there  most  the  first  thing. 

I  also  sot  store  by  Westminster  Abbey  on  account  of  its 
being  the  place  where  Victoria,  honored  queen  and  woman, 
wuz  crowned,  as  well  as  all  of  England's  monarchs.  It  is 
a  magnificent  building,  no  other  mausoleum  in  the  world 
can  compare  with  it ;  it  is  almost  worthy  of  being  the  resting- 
place  of  the  great  souls  that  sleep  there.  Dorothy's  sweet 
face  and  Robert's  noble  liniment  took  on  reverent  looks  as 
we  stood  by  the  tomb  of  saint  and  sage,  hero  and  poet. 

We  went  from  there  to  see  the  Houses  of  Parliament, 
immense  buildings  full  of  interest  and  associations. 

We  also  went  to  see  St.  Paul's  Cathedral,  which  towers 
up  in  majesty,  dwarfin'  the  other  buildin's  near  it.  It  is  a  mar- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS  I  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    439 

vellous  structure  in  size  and  beauty,  only  two  bigger  build 
ings  in  the  world,  St.  Peter's  at  Rome,  and  the  Milan  Cathe 
dral. 

What  a  head  Sir  Christopher  Wren  must  have  had,  and 
what  a  monument  to  his  genius  this  gigantic  pile  is.  No 
wonder  he  wanted  this  epitaph  put  on  his  tomb: 

"  If  you  want  to  see  his  monument,  look  about  you." 

Many  other  noted  men  are  buried  here,  Bishop  Heber, 
John  Howard,  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds,  Wellington,  Nelson  and 
Sir  John  Moore,  who  wuz  "  buried  darkly  at  dead  of  night," 
as  so  many  bashful  schoolboys  know  to  their  sorrow,  as  they 
rehearse  it  in  a  husky  voice  to  the  assembled  neighbors  the 
last  day  of  school.  Oh,  how  much  they  wish  as  they  try  to 
moisten  their  dry  tongue  and  arrange  their  too  visible  and 
various  hands,  that  the  night  wuz  still  darker,  so  dark  that 
nothin'  wuz  ever  hearn  on't. 

Feelin'  the  admiration  I  did  for  his  livin'  and  lovin' 
pardner,  I  wuz  glad  to  see  the  Albert  monument.  It  wuz 
evenin'  when  we  see  it,  and  the  garden  where  it  stands  wuz 
illuminated.  The  great  elms  glowed  under  a  multitude  of 
red  lights.  The  music-stands  glowed  with  stars  of  the  same 
color,  and  the  fountains  riz  up  in  great  sprays  of  color  and 
radiance.  It  wuz  a  beautiful  seen,  but  none  too  grand  for  the 
great  good  man  whose  name  the  tall  shaft  bears. 

Albert  Hall,  which  stands  in  the  same  grounds,  wuz  also 
brilliantly  illuminated ;  its  long  glass  corridors  shone  as  if 
wrought  out  of  crystal  and  ruby. 

One  day  we  rode  from  Blackfriars'  bridge  past  the  Man 
sion  House,  where  the  Lord  Mayor  holds  his  receptions. 
And  what  interested  me  fur  more,  we  went  past  the  place 
where  the  Foreign  Bible  Society  prints  more  than  three 
million  Bibles  a  year  in  two  hundred  different  languages 
and  dialects,  carrying  the  knowledge  and  love  of  our  Lord 
unto  the  ends  of  the  earth. 


CHAPTER    XXXV 

UCKINGHAM  PALACE  wuz  a  sight  to  see, 
beautiful  and  grand,  and  not  fur  off  is  St. 
James's  Park,  one  of  the  most  attractive  in  the 
city  though  it  wuz  once  only  a  marshy  field. 
As  I  looked  on  its  charming  and  diversified 
beauty  I  thought  how  little  there  is  in  heredity  compared  to 
gumption  and  draining. 

Josiah,  as  I  said,  wanted  to  see  the  Tower  of  London. 
It  is  the  most  celebrated  fortress  in  England.  It  is  awful 
old,  and  good  land !  if  I  wuz  shet  up  there  I  shouldn't  never 
expect  to  break  out.  Some  of  the  walls  are  fifteen  fcet  thick. 
The  White  Tower,  they  say,  wuz  begun  by  William  the  Con 
queror,  a  man  that  I  told  the  guide  politely,  "  wuz  quite 
widely  known,  and  I  had  hearn  a  sight  of  him  though  I  had 
never  had  the  pleasure  of  his  acquaintance."  It  wuz  com 
pleted  in  one  thousand  ninety-eight. 

Josiah  and  I  wandered  round  there  for  hours,  and  should 
most  probable  got  lost  and  mebby  been  gropvn'  round  there 
to-day  if  it  hadn't  been  for  the  guide. 

I  wuz  dretful  interested  in  London  Bridge.  The  present 
structure  cost  seven  million,  so  they  say,  and  I  wouldn't  have 
built  it  for  a  cent  less.  I  thought  as  I  stood  there  of  what 
had  took  place  on  that  spot  since  Sir  William  Wallace's  day 
and  how  his  benign  head  (most  every  bump  on  it  good  ones) 
wuz  put  up  there  a  mark  for  the  insultm'  jeers  of  the  popu 
lace,  and  it  made  me  feel  bad  and  sorry  for  Helen,  his  last 
wife,  she  that  wuz  Helen  Mar.  But  Sir  Thomas  More's 
head  wuz  nailed  up  in  the  same  plate,  and  the  Bishop  of 
Rochester's  and  lots  of  others. 

It  wuzn't  right. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    441 

And  then  I  thought  of  the  gay  seens  that  had  took  place 
there,  the  tournaments  and  triumphal  marches  and  grand 
processions  and  sad  ones,  and  the  great  multitude  who  have 
passed  over  it,  prince  and  beggar,  velvet  and  rags,  a  count 
less  throng  constantly  passing,  constantly  changing,  no  more 
to  be  counted  than  the  drops  of  water  in  the  silent  stream 
below,  all  the  time,  all  the  time  sweepin'  on  to  the  sea.  I 
had  sights  of  emotions. 

And  all  the  while  I  wuz  in  London,  in  the  gay  streets 
and  quiet  ones,  in  palace  or  park,  the  shade  of  Dickens 
walked  by  my  side  or  a  little  in  advance,  seemin'  to  pint  out 
to  me  the  places  where  he  had  walked  when  he  see  visions 
and  dreamed  dreams.  And  I  almost  expected  to  meet  Little 
Nell  leading  her  grandpa,  or  David  Copperfield,  or  Peggoty 
searching  for  Em'ly,  or  some  of  our  Mutual  Friends. 

And  so  with  Thackeray.  As  I  looked  up  at  the  gloomy 
houses  on  some  quiet  street  I  almost  expected  to  see  the 
funeral  hatchment  of  old  Sir  Pitt  Crawley's  wife  and  Becky 
Sharp's  little  pale  face  peering  out,  or  sweet  Ethel  New- 
comb  and  her  cousin  Clive,  and  the  dear  old  General  and 
Henry  Esmond,  and  etc.,  etc.  And  so  with  Alfred  Tenny 
son.  In  some  beautiful  place  of  drooping  foliage  and  placid 
water  I  almost  felt  that  I  should  see  the  mystic  barge  drawin' 
nigh  and  I  too  should  float  off  into  some  Lotus  land.  And  so 
with  all  the  other  beloved  poets  and  authors  who  seem  nigher 
to  us  than  our  next  door  neighbors  in  the  flesh. 

Dorothy  havin'  never  been  there,  felt  that  she  must  see 
Shakespeare's  home,  which  is  a  journey  of  only  three  hours 
by  rail,  so  we  made  a  visit  there  one  day,  passing  through 
some  of  England's  most  beautiful  scenery  on  our  way,  grand 
old  parks  with  stately  houses  rising  up  in  their  midst,  gray 
stun  churches  in  charming  little  villages,  thatched-roof  cot 
tages,  picturesque  water-mills;  it  wuz  all  a  lovely  picture  of 
rural  England. 

It  being  a  little  too  long  a  journey  for  one  day,  we  stayed 
all  night  at  Shakespeare's  Inn,  where  the  great  poet  went 


442     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

daily  for  his  glass  of  stimulant — so  they  say.  But  I  am 
glad  I  don't  believe  everything  that  I  hear. 

Arvilly  mourned  to  think  that  she  couldn't  have  sold  him 
America's  twin  crimes:  "Intemperance  and  Greed";  but  I 
kinder  changed  the  subject.  As  much  store  as  I  set  by  Ar- 
villy's  cast-iron  principles,  somehow  I  couldn't  bear  the 
thought  of  having  Shakespeare  canvassed. 

All  the  rooms  are  named  after  Shakespeare's  plays, 
painted  over  the  doors  in  black  letters.  We  slept  in  "  All's 
Well  That  Ends  Well " — a  good  name — and  we  slept  peace 
ful,  thinkin'  likely  that  it  would  turn  out  so.  Miss  Meechim 
had  the  "  Merry  Wives  of  Windsor."  She  wanted  to  change 
with  Arvilly,  who  had  "  Love's  Labor's  Lost,"  but  Arvilly 
wouldn't  budge. 

Miss  Meechim  told  me  in  confidence  that  if  Shakespeare 
could  have  had  the  benefit  of  her  advice  he  would  probable 
have  called  it  "  The  Unfortunate  Wives  of  Windsor."  "  And 
then,"  sez  she,  "  I  could  have  occupied  it  with  more  pleas 
ure."  But  I  didn't  much  think  that  he  would  have  changed 
his  plans  or  poetry  if  she  had  been  on  the  spot. 

The  next  morning  early  we  set  out  for  Shakespeare's  cot 
tage,  described  so  often,  saw  the  room  in  which  the  great 
poet  was  born,  and  wuz  told  that  nothing  had  been  changed 
there  since  he  lay  in  his  cradle,  which  we  could  believe  as 
we  looked  about  us  on  the  low  walls,  the  diamond  panes  of 
the  windows  and  the  quaint  old  furniture.  The  cottage  is 
now  used  for  Shakespeare's  relics,  some  of  which  looked 
as  if  they  might  be  real,  and  some  as  if  they  wuz  made  day 
before  yesterday.  We  visited  the  church  where  he  wuz  bap 
tized  and  saw  on  one  of  the  pews  the  metal  plate  on  which 
is  engraved  the  name  of  the  poet's  father. 

And,  thinkin'  that  a  visit  to  Shakespeare's  home  wouldn't 
be  complete  without  seeing  the  place  where  his  heart  jour 
neyed  whilst  his  life  wuz  young  and  full  of  hope  and  joy,  we 
drove  out  to  Shottery,  to  the  little  farmhouse  where  his 
sweetheart,  Ann  Hathaway,  lived. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     443 

It  is  a  quaint  little  cottage,  and  after  going  through  it 
we  drank  a  glass  of  water  drawn  up  by  a  well  sweep  from 
the  very  same  old  well  from  which  Shakespeare  drank  so 
many  times.  As  I  stood  there  I  saw  in  fancy  the  rosy,  dim 
pled  Ann  handing  the  crystal  water  to  the  boy,  Will,  who 
mebby  whispered  to  her  as  he  took  the  glass  sweet  words, 
all  rhyming  with  youth  and  joy  and  love. 

And  the  same  blue  sky  bent  above  us ;  birds  wheeled  and 
sung  over  our  heads,  descendants,  mebby,  of  the  birds  that 
sung  to  them  that  day.  I  had  sights  of  emotions — sights 
of  'em — and  so  I  did  in  the  cottage  as  I  sot  on  the  old,  old 
settle  in  the  corner  of  the  fireplace,  whose  age  nobdy  could 
dispute,  as  its  stiff  old  joints  are  strengthened  with  bands 
of  iron,  where  young  Will  Shakespeare  and  his  sweetheart 
often  sat,  and  where  he  might  have  read  to  her  the  new  poem 
in  honor  of  her  charms : 

"To  melt  the  sad,  make  blithe  the  gay, 
And  nature  charm  Ann  hath  a  way. 

She  hath  a  will, 

She  hath  a  way — 
To  breathe  delight,  Ann  Hathaway." 

He  or  she  didn't  dream  of  his  future  greatness,  and  I  dare 
say  that  old  Pa  Hathaway,  who  mebby  slept  nigh  by,  might 
have  complained  to  her  ma,  "  Wonderin'  what  that  fool 
meant  by  talkin'  in  poetry  at  that  time  of  night."  And, 
mebby,  if  he  soared  too  high  and  loud  in  verse,  old  Pa 
Hathaway  might  have  called  out: 

"  Ann !  cover  up  the  fire  and  go  to  bed !  Billy  wants  to  go 
home !  " 

I  don't  say  this  wuz  so,  but  mebby.  So  holden  are  our 
eyes  and  so  difficult  it  is  for  the  human  vision  to  discern  be 
tween  an  eagle  and  a  commoner  bird,  when  the  wings  are 
featherin'  out,  before  they  are  full  plumed  for  a  flight  amongst 
the  stars. 

Well,  we  went  back  to  London,  tired,  but  riz  up  in  our 
minds,  and  renewed  our  sightseeing  there. 


444     A.ROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEY'S  WIFE 

Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy  bought  lots  of  things  that 
they  said  they  could  git  cheaper  in  England,  and  Arvilly 
wuz  in  great  sperits;  she  sold  three  books,  sold  herself  out 
and  went  home  with  an  empty  box  but  a  full  purse.  Robert 
wuz  busy  up  to  the  last  minute,  but  managed  to  spend  time 
to  take  Tommy  to  see  some  famous  waxworks  he  had  prom 
ised. 

About  the  middle  of  the  forenoon  Robert  Strong  pro 
posed  that  we  should  all  go  and  take  a  last  drive  in  the 
park,  and  we  set  off,  all  but  Arvilly.  She  thought  of  some 
one  in  another  part  of  the  city  that  she  wanted  to  canvass, 
and  she  started  off  alone  in  a  handsome.  Miss  Meechim 
and  Dorothy  wuz  feelin'  well.  Tommy,  who  wuz  in  fine 
sperits,  wuz  perched  as  usual  on  Robert  Strong's  knee. 

The  sheltered  drives  and  smooth  windin'  roads  wuz  gay 
with  passers-by,  and  the  seen  wuz  beautiful,  but  I  wuz  sad 
and  deprested  about  one  thing.  King  Edward  is  a  real 
good  natered  man,  and  a  good  pervider,  and  seems  to  set 
store  by  America.  And  Queen  Alexandra  is  a  sweet,  good 
woman. 

But  still  in  these  last  hours  I  kep'  thinkin'  of  Edwardses' 
Ma,  who  was  rainin'  here  durin'  my  last  visit.  I  wuz  kep' 
from  visitin'  her  at  that  time  by  P.  Martyn  Smythe  and 
onfortunate  domestic  circumstances. 

And  I  have  always  worried  for  fear  she  hearn  I  wuz  in 
London  that  time  and  never  went  nigh  her ;  she  not  knowin' 
what  hendered  me. 

I  writ  her  a  letter  to  make  her  mind  easy,  but  must  know 
she  never  got  it,  for  she  never  writ  a  word  in  reply.  I 
posted  the  letter  I  spoke  on  with  my  own  hands.  I  directed  it 

WIDDER  ALBERT, 

London,  England. 

It  runs  as  f oilers : 
"  Dear  and  revered  Queen  and  Widder : 

"  I  tried  my  best  to  git  to  see  you  whilst  in  London,  but 
Josiah's  clothes  wuzn't  fit ;  he  had  frayed  'em  out  on  a  tower, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     445 

and  his  shirts  wuz  yeller  as  saffern,  half  washed  by  underlins. 
I  wouldn't  demean  him  in  your  sight  by  bringin'  him  with 
me  and  he  wuz  worrisome  and  I  couldn't  leave  him.  You've 
been  married  and  you  know  how  it  is. 

"  So  I  have  to  return  home  sad-hearted  without  settin' 
my  eyes  on  the  face  of  a  woman  I  honor  and  set  store  by,  a 
good  wife,  a  good  mother,  a  good  ruler.  The  world  hangs 
your  example  up  and  is  workin'  up  to  the  pattern  and  will  in 
future  generations.  No  doubt  there  is  a  few  stitches  that 
might  be  sot  evener  in  the  sampler,  but  the  hull  thing  is  a 
honor  to  our  humanity  and  the  world  at  large.  I  bow  to 
your  memory  as  I  would  to  you  in  deep  honor  and  esteem. 
And  if  we  do  not  meet  here  below  may  we  meet  in  them 
heavenly  fields  you  and  your  Albert,  Josiah  and  I,  young 
and  happy,  all  earthly  distinctions  washed  off  in  the  swellin's 
of  Jordan. 

"  And  so  God  bless  you  clear  down  to  the  river  banks 
whose  waves  are  a  swashin'  up  so  clost  to  our  feet,  and  adoo. 

"  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE." 

I  never  hearn  a  word  from  her,  and  I  am  afraid  she  died 
thinkin'  I  had  slighted  her. 

The  next  morning  bright  and  early  we  went  aboard  the 
ship  that  wuz  to  take  us  home.  It  wuz  a  fair  day;  the  fog 
dispersed  and  the  sun  shone  out  with  promise  and  the  waves 
talked  to  me  of  Home,  Sweet  Home. 

It  wuz  a  cold  lowerin'  day  when  the  good  ship  bore  us 
into  New  York  harbor.  The  gray  clouds  hung  low  some  as 
if  they  wuz  a  sombry  canopy  ready  to  cover  up  sunthin',  a 
crime  or  a  grief,  or  a  tomb,  or  mebby  all  on  'em,  and  a  few 
cold  drops  fell  down  from  the  sky  ever  and  anon,  some  like 
tears,  only  chill  and  icy  as  death. 

These  thoughts  come  into  my  mind  onbid  as  I  looked 
on  the  heavy  pall  of  dark  clouds  that  hung  low  over  our 
heads  some  like  the  dark  drapery  hangin'  over  a  bier. 

But  anon  and  bime  bye  these  dark   meditations  died 


446     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN1 8  WIFE 

away,  for  what  wuz  cloud  or  cold,  or  white  icy  shores?  It 
wuz  home  that  waited  for  us;  Jonesville  and  my  dear  ones 
dwelt  on  that  shore  approachin'  us  so  fast.  Bitter,  icy  winds 
would  make  the  warm  glowin'  hearth  fire  of  home  seem 
brighter.  Love  would  make  its  own  sunshine.  Happiness 
would  warm  the  chill  of  the  cold  November  day. 

Thomas  J.  and  Maggie  stood  on  the  pier,  both  well  and 
strong;  Tommy  sprung  into  their  arms.  They  looked  onto 
his  round  rosy  face  through  tears  of  gratitude  and  thankful 
ness  and  embraced  me  with  the  same.  And  wuzn't  Thomas 
J.  happy?  Yes,  indeed  he  wuz,  when  he  held  his  boy  in  his 
arms  and  had  holt  of  his  ma's  hands,  and  his  pa's  too.  And 
Maggie,  too,  how  warmly  she  embraced  us  with  tears  and 
smiles  chasing  each  other  over  her  pretty  face.  Tirzah  Ann 
and  Whitfield  wuz  in  the  city,  but  didn't  come  to  the  minute, 
bein'  belated,  as  we  learnt  afterwards,  by  Tirzah  Ann  a 
waverin'  in  a  big  department  store  between  a  pink  and  a  blue 
shiffon  front  for  a  new  dress. 

But  they  appeared  in  a  few  minutes,  Tirzah  Ann  with  her 
arms  full  of  bundles  which  dribbled  onnoticed  on  the  pier 
as  she  advanced  and  throwed  her  arms  round  her  pa's  and 
ma's  neck.  Love  is  home,  and  with  our  dear  children's 
arms  about  us  and  their  warm  smiles  of  delight  and  welcome 
and  their  loving  words  in  our  ear,  we  had  got  home. 

The  children  wuz  stayin'  at  a  fashionable  boardin'  house, 
kept  by  Miss  Eliphalet  Snow,  a  distant  relation  of  Maggie's, 
who  had  lost  her  pardner  and  her  property,  but  kep'  her 
pride  and  took  boarders  for  company,  so  she  said.  And 
we  wuz  all  goin'  to  start  for  Jonesville  together  the  next  day. 
But  as  the  baggage  of  our  party  wuz  kinder  mixed  up,  Jo- 
siah  and  I  thought  we  would  go  with  Miss  Meechim's  party 
to  the  tarven  and  stay. 

Robert  Strong  and  our  son,  Thomas  J.,  met  like  two  ships 
of  one  line  with  one  flag  wavin'  over  'em,  and  bearing  the 
same  sealed  orders  from  their  Captain  above.  How  con 
genial  they  wuz,  they  had  been  friends  always,  made  so  on- 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    447 

beknown  to  them,  they  only  had  to  discover  each  other,  and 
then  they  wuz  intimate  to  once,  and  dear. 

Dorothy  and  Miss  Meechim  and  the  children  greeted 
each  other  with  smiles  and  glad,  gay  words.  Yes,  all  wuz 
a  happy  confusion  of  light  words,  gay  laughter,  Saratoga 
trunks,  smiles,  joy,  satchel  bags — we  had  got  home. 

As  I  stood  there  surrounded  by  all  that  I  prized  most  on 
earth  I  had  a  glimpse  of  a  haggard  lookin'  form  arrayed  in 
tattered  finery,  a  bent  figure,  a  young  old  face,  old  with 
drink  and  dissipation,  that  looked  some  way  familiar  though 
I  couldn't  place  her.  She  looked  at  our  party  with  a  strange 
interest  and  seemed  to  say  some  murmured  words  of  prayer 
or  blessing  or  appeal,  and  disappeared — soon  forgot  in  our 
boundless  joy  and  the  cares  tendin'  to  our  baggage. 

Arvilly  wuz  glad  to  set  her  feet  on  shore,  for  she  too 
loved  her  native  land  with  the  love  that  a  good  principled, 
but  stern  stepmother  has  for  a  interestin'  but  worrisome 
child  that  she's  bringin'  up  by  hand.  She  thought  she  would 
go  with  the  children  to  their  boarding-place,  havin'  knowed 
Miss  Eliphalet  Snow  in  their  young  days,  when  Miss  Snow 
wuz  high-headed  and  looked  down  on  her,  and  wantin'  to 
dant  her,  I  spoze,  with  accounts  of  her  foreign  travel.  And 
we  parted  to  meet  agin  in  the  mornin'  to  resoom  our  voyage 
to  Jonesville — blessed  harbor  where  we  could  moor  our 
two  barks,  Josiah's  and  mine,  and  be  at  rest. 

Miss  Meechim  and  Dorothy  and  Robert  laid  out  to  start 
for  California  the  next  day,  as  business  wuz  callin'  Robert 
there  loud  and  he  had  to  respond. 

And  I  may  as  well  tell  it  now  as  any  time,  for  it  has  got  to 
be  told.  I  knowed  it  wuz  told  to  me  in  confidence,  and  it 
must  be  kep'  for  a  spell  anyway,  Robert  and  Dorothy  wuz 
engaged,  and  they  wuz  goin'  to  be  married  in  a  short  time  in 
her  own  beautiful  home  in  San  Francisco.  Now  you  needn't 
try  to  git  me  to  tell  who  told  me,  for  I  am  not  as  sot  as  cast 
iron  on  that,  I  shall  mention  no  names,  only  simply  re- 
markin'  that  Dorothy  and  Robert  set  store  by  me  and  I  by 


44S    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

them.  Them  that  told  me  said  that  they  felt  like  death  to 
not  tell  Miss  Meechim  of  the  engagement,  but  knowin'  her 
onconquerable  repugnance  to  matrimony  and  to  Dorothy's 
marriage  in  particular,  and  not  knowin'  but  what  the  news 
would  kill  her  stun  dead,  them  that  told  me  said  they  felt 
that  they  had  better  git  her  back  to  her  own  native  shores 
before  bein'  told,  which  I  felt  wuz  reasonable. 

How  I  did  hate  to  part  with  sweet  Dorothy,  I  loved  her 
and  she  me  visey  versey.  And  Robert  Strong,  he  sot  up  in 
my  heart  next  to  Thomas  J.,  and  crowdin'  up  pretty  clost  to 
him  too.  Miss  Meechim  also  had  her  properties,  and  we 
had  gone  through  wearisome  travel,  dangers  and  fatigues, 
pleasant  rest,  delightful  sight-seeing,  poor  vittles,  joy  and 
grief  together,  and  it  wuz  hard  to  break  up  old  ties.  But 
it  had  to  be.  Our  life  here  on  this  planet  is  made  up  of  meet- 
in's  and  partin's.  It  is  hail  and  farewell  with  us  from  the 
cradle  to  the  grave. 

We  all  retired  early,  bein'  tired  out,  and  we  slept  well, 
little  thinkin'  of  the  ghastly  shape  that  would  meet  us  on 
the  thresholt  of  the  new  day.  But,  oh,  my  erring  but  beloved 
country!  why  ortn't  we  to  expect  it  as  long  as  you  keep 
the  mills  a-goin'  that  turns  out  such  black,  ghastly  shadders 
by  the  thousands  and  thousands  all  the  time,  all  the  time,  to 
enwrap  your  children. 

Dorothy  never  knowed  it — what  wuz  the  use  of  cloudin' 
her  bright  young  life  with  the  awful  shadder?  But  then,  as 
I  told  Robert,  that  black,  dretful  pall  hangs  over  every  home 
and  every  heart  in  our  country  and  is  liable  to  fall  anywhere 
and  at  any  time,  no  palace  ruff  is  too  high  and  no  hovel  ruff 
is  too  low  to  be  agonized  and  darkened  by  its  sombry  folds. 

But  he  said  it  would  make  Dorothy  too  wretched,  and  he 
could  not  have  her  told,  and  I  agreed  to  it,  but  of  course  I 
told  my  pardner  and  his  heart  wuz  wrung  and  his  bandanna 
wet  as  sop  in  consequence  on't.  And  he  told  Miss  Meechim, 
too,  that  mornin',  and  her  complaisant  belief  in  genteel  drink- 
in'  and  her  conservative  belief  in  the  Poor  Man's  Club,  wuz 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    449 

shook  hard — how  hard  I  didn't  know  until  afterwards.  Oh, 
how  she,  too,  loved  Aronette !  The  children  when  they  wuz 
told  on't  mourned  because  we  did,  and  on  their  own  account 
too,  for  they  sot  store  by  her  what  little  they  had  seen  of  her 
— for  nobody  could  see  her  without  loving  her. 

As  for  Arvilly,  her  ideas  on  intemperance  couldn't  be 
added  to  or  diminished  by  anything,  but  she  wep'  and  cried 

for  days. 

****** 

Well,  I  spoze  you  all  want  to  know  the  peticulars.  Rob 
ert  Strong  wuz  the  first  one  that  left  the  tarven  in  the  morn- 
in'.  He  had  to  see  a  man  very  early  on  business.  He  went  out 
by  the  ladies'  entrance.  And  there  crouched  on  the  cold  stun 
steps,  waitin'  we  spozed  to  ketch  another  glimpse  of  Dorothy, 
and  mebby  to  ask  for  help,  for  she  wuz  almost  naked,  and 
her  plump  little  limbs  almost  skin  and  bone,  dead  and  cold, 
frozen  and  starved,  so  we  spozed,  lay  Aronette.  Pretty, 
happy  little  girl,  dearly  beloved,  thrown  by  Christian  Amer 
ica  to  the  wild  beasts  just  as  sure  as  Nero  ever  did,  only 
while  he  threw  his  human  victims  to  be  torn  and  killed  for 
fun,  America  throws  her  human  victims,  her  choicest,  bright 
est  youth,  down  to  ruin  and  death,  for  greed.  Which  looks 
the  Worst  in  God's  sight?  I  d'no  nor  Josiah  don't. 

Well,  Robert  called  a  ambulance,  had  the  poor  boney, 
ragged  victim  took  to  a  hospital,  but  all  efforts  wuz  vain  to 
resuscitate  her.  She  had  gone  to  give  in  her  evidence  against 
America's  license  laws,  aginst  Army  Canteen,  Church  and 
State,  aginst  Licensed  Saloon  Keeper,  aginst  highest  official 
and  lowest  voter,  aginst  sinner  and  saint,  who  by  their  en 
couragement  or  indifference  make  such  crimes  possible. 

The  evidence  wuz  carried  in,  the  criminals  must  meet  it, 
it  is  waitin'  for  'em,  waitin'.  Of  course  the  New  York  parties 
who  helped  Robert,  policemen,  doctors,  and  nurses,  thought 
very  little  of  it,  it  wuz  so  common,  all  over  the  land,  they 
said,  such  things  was  happening  all  the  time  from  the  same 
cause.  And  we  knew  it  well,  we  knew  of  the  wide  open  pit, 
29 


i50     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IA.H  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

veiled  with  tempting  covering,  wove  by  Selfishness  and  Greed, 
scattered  over  with  flimsy  flowers  of  excuse,  palliation,  ex 
pediency  that  tempts  and  engulfs  our  brightest  youth,  the 
noblest  manhood,  old  and  young,  rich  and  poor — it  is  very 
common. 

But  to  us  who  loved  the  pretty,  merry  little  maid,  re- 
memberin'  her  so  happy  and  so  good,  and  saw  her  ruined  and 
killed  before  our  eyes  by  the  country  that  should  have  pro 
tected  her,  we  kept  it  in  our  hearts,  we  could  not  forgit  it. 

Robert  Strong  had  her  buried  in  a  quiet  corner  of  a  cem 
etery  and  left  orders  for  a  stun  cross  to  be  put  up  to  mark 
her  grave.  He  asked  me  to  write  the  epitaph  which  he  had 
carved  in  the  marble,  and  I  did: 

ARONETTE 

Young,   Happy,   Beloved — Murdered ! 
Vengeance  is  mine  saith  the  Lord. 

Robert  had  it  put  on  just  as  I  writ  it.  He  didn't  tell 
Dorothy  anything  about  her  death  till  they  got  home.  She 
never  see  the  epitaph;  it  wuz  true  as  truth  itself,  but  it  wuz 
hash,  and  might  have  made  her  bed-sick,  lovin'  Aronette  as 
she  did.  But  after  Dorothy  Strong  wuz  livin'  with  him, 
blessed  and  happy  in  their  pretty,  simple  home  in  his  City 
of  Justice,  then  he  told  her  that  Aronette  wuz  dead,  died  in 
a  hospital  and  wuz  buried  in  a  pleasant  graveyard.  And 
Dorothy  mourned  for  her  as  she  would  for  a  beloved  sister. 

Yes,  Dorothy  will  mourn  for  her  all  her  days.  The  young 
man  who  wuz  to  marry  her  will  live  under  the  shadow  of 
this  sorrow  all  his  life,  for  he  is  one  of  the  constant  ones 
who  cannot  forgit.  The  old  grandmother  in  Normandie 
waited  for  letters  from  her  darling  which  never  came,  and 
will  die  waiting  for  her. 

The  young  man  who  enticed  the  pretty  little  maid  into 
the  canteen,  licensed  by  America,  and  gave  her  stupefying 
drink,  licensed  by  our  laws,  took  her,  staggering  and  stupid, 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    451 

to  another  dretful  house,  made  as  respectable  as  they  can 
make  it  by  our  Christian  civilization.  He  lived  long  enough, 
I  spoze,  to  add  several  more  victims  to  the  countless  list  of 
such  murders  that  lays  on  our  country's  doorsteps,  and  then 
he  too  died,  a  bloated,  loathsome  wreck,  makin'  another  vic 
tim  for  the  recordin'  angel  to  mark  down,  if  there  is  room 
in  her  enormous  books  of  debt  and  credit  with  this  traffic 
for  another  name.  And  I  spoze  there  is,  for  them  books 
tower  up  mountain  high,  and  new  ones  have  to  be  opened 
anon  or  oftener,  and  will  I  spoze  till  God's  time  of  reckonin' 
comes  and  the  books  are  opened  and  the  debts  paid. 

It  wuz  a  lovely  day  when  we  see  the  towers  of  Jonesville 
loom  up  above  the  billows  of  environin'  green. 

(I  mean  the  M.  E.  steeple  showin'  up  beyend  Grout 
Nickleson's  pine  woods.) 

As  the  cars  drew  into  the  station  they  tooted  their  delight 
agin  and  agin  at  our  safe  return  as  the  train  stopped. 

As  we  walked  up  the  platform  I  see  Josiah  furtively  on- 
button  his  stiff  linen  cuffs  as  if  preparin'  to  throw  'em  off  for 
life.  His  face  radiant,  and  hummin'  sotey  vosey  his  favorite 
ballad : 

"  Hum  agin,  hum  agin,  from  a  furren  shore." 

Arvilly  looked  happy  to  agin  touch  the  sile  of  home,  and 
be  able,  as  she  said,  to  "  tend  to  her  things."  And  wuz  not  I 
happy?  I  who  loved  my  country  with  the  jealous  love  that 
makes  a  ma  spank  her  boy  for  cuttin'  up.  Is  it  love  that 
makes  a  ma  stand  by,  and  see  her  boy  turn  summer  sets  and 
warhoop  in  meetin'-houses?  Nay,  verily,  every  spank  that 
makes  him  behave  is  a  touching  evidence  of  her  warm  devo 
tion. 

I  felt  as  I  stood  on  the  beloved  sile  of  home  (better  sile 
and  richer  than  any  other),  beneath  its  bright  sunshine 
(warmer  and  brighter  than  any  other  sunshine)  I  felt  that 
I  loved  my  country  with  that  passionate,  jealous  love  that 
could  never  be  contented  till  she  rises  up  to  the  full  glory 
she  might  and  will  have.  When  she  sweeps  her  long  strong 


452    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

arms  round  and  brushes  off  vile  politicians  and  time-servers, 
and  uses  a  pure  free  ballot  to  elect  good  men  and  good  wim- 
men  to  make  good  laws,  then  will  come  the  Golden  Age 
that  I  look  for,  and  that  will  come,  when  Justice  will  take  her 
bandages  off,  and  look  out  with  both  eyes  over  a  prosperous 
and  happy  land.  God  speed  the  day ! 

We  parted  with  the  children  here,  they  goin'  to  their 
own  homes,  after  promisin'  to  come  and  see  me  and  their 
pa  very  soon.  Tommy  throwed  his  arms  round  my  neck  and 
said  he  should  stay  with  us  half  the  time.  We  want  him  to. 

Well,  Ury  met  us  with  the  mair  and  warm  smiles  of 
welcome,  and  Philury  greeted  us  with  joyous  smiles  and  a 
good  warm  meat  supper.  They  set  store  by  us,  lots  of  store, 
and  when  we  gin  'em  the  presents  we  had  brung  for  'em  from 
foreign  shores,  happiness  seemed  to  radiate  from  'em  like 
light  and  warmth  from  the  sun.  Josiah  enjoyed  his  supper — 
yes,  indeed — his  liniment  shone  with  satisfaction  as  he  sot 
at  the  table  in  his  stockin'  feet  and  shirt  sleeves,  and  eat 
more  than  wuz  good  for  him,  fur  more.  He  had  begun  to 
onbend,  and  I  knew  that  for  days  I  couldn't  keep  clothes 
enough  on  him  to  be  hardly  decent,  but  knew  also  that  that 
would  wear  away  in  time. 

Feelin'  first-rate  when  we  got  home,  it  only  took  us  a 
short  time  to  rest  and  recooperate  from  our  tower,  and  re 
ceive  calls  from  the  children  and  grandchildren  and  Jones- 
villians.  And  the  children  helped  Philury  and  me  to  git 
the  house  all  in  order,  and  prepare  for  Thanksgiving.  I 
sent  out  invitations  for  a  party ;  I  laid  out  to  invite  all  my  own 
dear  ones,  old  and  young,  Elder  Minkley  and  his  wife,  Ar- 
villy,  and  how  I  did  want  to  invite  Ernest  White  and  Wait- 
still  Webb,  but  he  wuz  away  on  a  long  vacation,  and  Waitstill 
I  hadn't  hearn  from  for  weeks,  she  wuz  in  the  Philippines  the 
last  I  hearn. 

I  wanted  to  invite  all  the  brethern  and  sistern  in  the 
meetin'-house,  but  Philury  thought  she  couldn't  wait  on  'em 
all,  and  we  compromised  on  the  plan  of  havin'  'em  all  here 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     453 

to  a  evenin'  social  the  week  after,  when  we'd  pass  round 
things  and  not  have  so  many  dishes  to  wash. 

I  laid  out  to  be  dretful  thankful  Thanksgivin'  day.  I  felt 
that  my  heart  would  keep  the  holiday  with  drums  beatin' 
and  flags  wavin',  to  speak  in  metafor.  For  how  much,  how 
much  I  had  to  be  thankful  for!  My  beloved  pardner  and  I 
had  reached  our  own  home  in  safety.  The  Lord  had  watched 
over  us  in  perils  by  water,  perils  by  land,  perils  by  fatigue, 
perils  by  Josiah's  strange,  strange  plans. 

Tommy  wuz  as  well  as  ever  a  child  wuz;  the  doctor  said 
his  lungs  wuz  sound  as  a  bell.  All  our  dear  ones  at  home  had 
been  kep'  in  safety  and  our  home  seemed  more  like  a  bliss 
ful  oasis  in  a  desert  world  than  it  ever  did  before. 

I  always  like  to  be  up  to  the  mark  in  everything,  and  I 
felt  that  I  had  so  much  to  be  thankful  for  Thanksgivin'  day 
that  I  laid  out  to  git  up  early  so's  to  begin  to  be  thankful  as 
soon  as  daylight  anyway,  and  keep  it  up  all  day  till  long 
after  candle  light.  But  as  it  turned  out  I  begun  to  keep  the 
glorious  holiday  of  Thanksgivin'  three  days  ahead  and  had 
to,  for  I  couldn't  help  it. 

I  believe  in  makin'  preparations  ahead ;  I  believe  in  takin' 
time  by  the  forelock  and  leadin'  it  along  peaceable  and  stiddy 
by  my  side,  instead  of  time's  drivin'  me,  rough  shod  and 
pantin'  for  breath  over  a  household  path,  rocky  and  rough 
with  belated  duties.  And  it  wuz  three  days  before  Thanks 
givin'  I  sot  in  my  clean,  cheerful-lookin'  kitchen  seedin' 
some  raisins  for  the  fruit  cake,  Josiah  bein'  out  to  the  barn 
killin'  two  fat  pullets  for  the  chicken  pie.  Ury  wuz  down 
in  the  swamp  gittin'  some  evergreens  and  holly  berries  to 
decorate  with,  and  Philury  dressin'  the  turkey  and  ducks  in 
the  back  kitchen,  when  I  heard  a  rap  at  the  settin'  room  door 
and  I  wiped  my  hands  on  the  roller  towel  and  smoothed 
back  my  hair  and  went  to  the  door. 

And  who  do  you  spoze  stood  there?  His  eyes  shinin' 
brighter  than  the  sky  did,  though  that  wuz  clear  blue,  lit  by  a 
warm  sunshine.  It  wuz  Ernest  White,  and  guess  who  wuz 


454     AROUND  TEE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

by  his  side ;  I'll  tell  you,  for  you  never  could  think  who  it  wuz 
— it  wuz  Waitstill  Webb.  I  had  thought  her  face  wuz  as 
sweet  as  it  could  be  in  sorrow,  but  I  had  never  seen  it  in 
gladness  before.  She  looked  like  a  sweet  white  rose  just 
blowed  out  under  the  warm  sun  of  a  perfect  June  day. 

"  Ernest  White !  "  sez  I,  "  how  glad  I  am  to  see  you ! 
And  Waitstill  Webb!  can  I  believe  my  eyes?"  sez  I,  "is  it 
you?  "  And  I  took  both  their  hands  in  mine  at  one  time. 

"  Waitstill  Webb !  "  sez  I  agin,  "  is  it  you?  " 

"  No,"  sez  Ernest  White,  "  it  is  Waitstill  White." 

You  could  have  knocked  me  down  with  a  hair-pin.  I 
kissed  'em  both  smilin'  and  weepin',  laughin'  and  cryin',  we 
all  on  us  wuz  like  three  fools,  or  three  wise  ones,  I  d'no  which. 
And  that's  how  I  begun  to  keep  Thanksgivin'  more'n  three 
days  ahead. 

They  come  right  into  the  kitchen  and  made  me  keep 
on  with  my  work,  which  I  did  after  a  little,  they  takin'  holt 
and  helpin'  me  like  two  happy  children.  They  stayed  most 
all  the  forenoon,  but  had  promised  to  go  back  to  Arvilly's 
*o  dinner. 

Well !  Well !  I  hadn't  been  so  tickled  in  matrimonial  ways 
and  riz  up  and  routed  and  dumb  foundered  since  Thomas  J. 
and  Maggie  Snow  got  engaged.  It  seems  that  Ernest  White 
had  gone  way  out  to  the  Philippines  after  her,  and  they  wuz 
married  in  a  little  American  chapel  by  a  missionary  of  the 
M.  E.  meetin'-house. 

They  wuz  goin'  right  to  housekeeping  in  the  widder 
Pooler's,  where  he  had  boarded.  The  widder  had  gone  to 
live  with  her  daughter,  Mahala,  in  Michigan,  and  Ernest 
White  has  bought  it.  It  stands  in  a  pretty  place  near  a  ever 
green  grove,  just  on  the  edge  of  Loontown  near  his  people 
that  he  loves,  and  has  gin  his  life  work  to  make  better.  And, 
oh,  what  a  sweet  love-guarded  home  Waitstill  White  is  goin' 
to  make  for  her  pardner,  and  how  happy  Ernest  White  is 
goin'  to  be  with  the  woman  he  loves.  For  besides  bein'  so 
congenial  and  beloved,  Waitstill  is  as  good  a  cook  as  I  ever 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    455 

see,  and  no  matter  how  much  a  man's  soul  soars  up  to  the 
heavens,  whilst  his  body  is  on  earth  he  will  always  appre 
ciate  good  vittles.  Love  never  did  nor  never  will  thrive  on 
a  empty  stummick.  Harmony  of  soul  is  delightful,  and  per 
fect  congeniality  is  sweet,  and  so  is  good  yeast  emtin'  bread 
if  it  is  made  right,  kneaded  three  times,  riz  in  a  cool  place 
and  baked  to  a  turn.  And  tender  broiled  chops  and  chicken, 
and  hot  muffins  and  fragrant  coffee  has  some  the  effect  on 
the  manly  breast  of  love's  young  dream. 

Waitstill  is  a  real  home  lover  and  homemaker.  And  it 
seems  that  by  her  advice  Ernest  White  had  had  alterations  in 
the  house  made  that  I  approved  highly  on  when  I  see  'em, 
and  they  had  ordered  lots  of  things  to  be  sent  from  the  city  to 
make  it  pleasant,  all  put  in  first-rate  order  by  the  man  left  in 
charge,  and  they  invited  Josiah  and  me  to  take  tea  with  'em 
the  very  next  evenin'  and  go  to  meetin'  with  'em,  which  we 
gladly  accepted,  seein'  we  had  got  our  preparations  so  fur 
along;  Arvilly  wuz  goin'  to  be  there  they  said.  And,  of 
course,  I  invited  'em  to  my  Thanksgivin'  dinner,  which  they 
accepted  with  the  same  pleasure  that  we  had  theirn. 


CHAPTER  XXXVI 

ELL,  the  next  day,  or  ruther  that  night  I  begun 
to  make  preparations  to  go  to  Waitstill 
White's.  I  got  a  early  supper  that  night  so's 
to  git  to  bed  early  so's  to  git  up  in  good  sea 
son;  so's  to  git  a  early  breakfast  the  next 
mornin',  so's  to  git  a  early  dinner,  so's  to  start  in  good  sea 
son  for  Ernest  and  Waitstill  White's.  And  I  kep'  sayin'  that 
over  and  over  the  next  mornin',  "  Ernest  and  Waitstill 
White's,"  it  sounded  dretful  good  to  me,  dretful. 

I  sez  to  Philury,  "  We  must  have  dinner  early,  for  we  are 
invited  to  Ernest  and  Waitstill  White's." 

And  I  sez  the  same  to  Josiah.  And  he  sez,  "  You've  said 
that  to  me  a  dozen  times  already." 

"  Well,"  sez  I  cheerfully,  "  mebby  I  shall  say  it  a  dozen 
times  more." 

I  felt  well,  dretful  well  in  my  mind.  It  had  come  out 
just  as  I  had  hoped  and  prayed  for,  and  why  shouldn't  I  feel 
good. 

Well,  they  greeted  us  with  warm  affection.  And  you 
don't  know  how  pretty  their  home  looked.  It  had  been 
fixed  up  in  their  absence  and  Waitstill  had  put  the  finishin' 
touches  to  it  when  she  come.  It  wuz  a  gloomy  spot  under 
the  Pooler  regeem.  But  Waitstill  wuz  a  true  homemaker 
and  could  make  a  barn  seem  home  like,  as  folks  can  that 
have  that  gift.  You  often  see  folks  who  think,  or  say  they 
think,  that  one  set  of  faculties  henders  another  set  from 
workin'.  But  it  hain't  no  such  thing.  Miss  Pooler  wuz 
nothin'  but  a  housekeeper,  and  as  poor  a  one  at  that  as  you 
would  be  apt  to  find  in  a  day's  travel,  whilst  Waitstill  wuz 
a  philanthropist,  a  missionary,  an  angel  on  earth  if  ever  there 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    457 

wuz  one,  and  a  home-maker  and  a  home  lover  added  to  it, 
just  as  the  Bible  sez :  "  Seek  first  the  kingdom  of  heaven  and 
all  these  things  shall  be  added  unto  you,"  or  words  to  that 
effect. 

The  settin'-room  and  parlor  that  used  to  seem  like  a  dark- 
green  curtained  mausoleum,  sacred  to  the  mournin'  pieces 
on  the  wall,  and  the  hair  wreaths  of  defunct  Poolers  wuz  now 
the  sunshinny  hant  of  Beauty  and  Cheerfulness.  Bay  win 
dows  bordered  with  soft-colored  glass,  and  curtained  with 
fleecy  white,  let  the  sunshine  stream  into  the  pretty,  freshly- 
decorated  room,  where  it  seemed  to  love  to  stay  and  shine. 
A  conservatory  full  of  blossoming  plants  made  the  settin' 
and  dinin'-rooms  full  of  cheer  and  perfume. 

One  good  stout  German  girl  bore  willin'ly  the  heaviest 
burdens  of  housekeeping,  but  Waitstill  and  Love  and  Good 
Judgment  wuz  to  the  helium,  and  the  result  wuz  beautiful. 
A  happier  household  I  don't  want  to  see,  a  better  supper  I 
don't  want  to  eat.  Waitstill  had  some  briled  chicken,  tender 
and  toothsome,  some  creamed  potatoes,  fixed  just  right, 
light  white  rolls,  yellow  sweet  butter  made  from  their  own 
Jersey  cow's  milk,  clear  amber  honey  from  their  own  bee 
hives,  sliced  peaches  from  their  own  peach  trees  (it  wuz  a 
late  kind,  each  one  rolled  up  in  newspapers,  and  put  in  a  box 
in  the  suller  and  kep'  and  purple  and  white  grapes  kep'  in  the 
same  way).  Some  pound  cake  made  from  my  own  resect, 
a  noble  one  that  fell  onto  me  from  Mother  Allen,  and  im 
proved  on  by  me,  and  some  angel  cake,  made  by  Waitstill 
herself,  and  as  snowy  and  delicious  as  if  it  wuz  made  by  a  real 
angel  with  wings,  some  fragrant  coffee  with  rich  cream  to 
make  it  delicious,  and  chocolate  for  them  that  preferred  it. 
A  big  glass  bowl  of  roses  and  carnations  wuz  in  the  centre, 
and  the  table  wuz  spread  with  a  snowy  linen  cloth,  and  sot 
with  beautiful  china,  white  with  a  gold  and  pink  sprig  on  it, 
part  of  a  big  quantity  sent  by  his  rich  folks,  who  wuz  de 
lighted  to  have  him  marry  such  a  sweet  girl  and  settle  down, 
and  the  heavy  shinin'  silver  marked  "  W.  W.  W.,"  lookin' 


458     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  J 081 AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

some  like  a  runnin'  vine,  and  the  glossy  linen  tablecloths  and 
napkins  looking  like  satin  covered  with  posies,  come  from  the 
same  source,  also  marked  with  her  initials.  Enough,  Wait- 
still  told  me,  to  last  'em  all  their  lives  if  they  should  live  to  be 
as  old  as  Methusaler  and  his  wife. 

Well,  I  wuz  glad  enough  to  see  their  prosperity  and 
happiness  and  when  Ernest  White  sot  to  his  own  table  by 
the  side  of  Waitstill  White  and  in  a  few  short,  eloquent, 
heart-felt  words  asked  the  Lord's  blessing  on  this  new  home 
consecrated  to  his  service,  and  on  his  dear  friends  happily  re 
turned  home  agin,  my  heart  echoed  every  word  and  there 
wuzn't  a  dry  eye  in  my  head,  not  one. 

After  supper  wuz  over  we  sot  out  to  go  to  the  meetin' 
he  had  spoke  on.  It  wuz  the  openin'  night  of  the  new  library, 
which  wuz  in  a  pretty  little  buildin'  jined  onto  the  meetin'- 
house  and  only  a  few  minutes'  walk  from  Ernest  and  Wait- 
still  White's. 

There  wuz  a  good,  large  room  for  the  library  filled  with 
good  books  helpful  and  inspirin',  bought  partly  by  Ernest 
White  and  partly  by  voluntary  contributions  by  his  people, 
a  reading-room  filled  with  magazines  and  newspapers  and 
which  with  the  library  wuz  to  be  opened  every  evening  and 
two  afternoons  in  the  weeks.  And  there  wuz  a  cozy  little 
settin'-room  and  bed-room  with  a  kitchen  back  out  for  the 
librarian.  And  who  do  you  spoze  wuz  to  be  librarian  and 
live  here  clost  to  her  idol?  Oh,  shaw!  I  might  just  as  well 
told  you  right  out  as  to  have  said  that;  it  wuz  Arvilly.  It 
wuz  congenial  work  to  her  and  left  her  plenty  of  time  to  go 
round  canvassin'  if  she  wanted  to. 

We  wuz  a  little  late  for  the  meetin',  for  a  man  come  to 
see  the  Elder  just  as  we  wuz  startin',  about  marryin'  him 
the  next  day,  and  as  anybody  knows  that  has  to  be  tended  te 
'tennyrate. 

As  we  drawed  nigh  the  library  and  meetin'-house  we  see 
they  wuz  lighted  up  in  as  friendly  and  pleasant  a  way  as  if 
they  wuz  two  beacons  set  up  to  light  our  footsteps.  And 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     459 

as  we  went  in  we  see  a  group  of  happy  faced  young  people 
gathered  round  the  organ  practicin'  a  piece  they  wuz  learnin' 
for  Thanksgivin'. 

It  wuz  a  sweet  song  of  thankfulness  and  peace,  filled 
with  gratitude  for  all  the  blessin's  of  the  year.  A  sweet 
song  full  of  love  to  God  and  man  and  that  would  be  apt  to 
inspire  the  singers  and  hearers  with  forbearance,  justice, 
mercy,  sane  living  and  thinking.  In  another  part  of  the  hall 
they  wuz  practicing  some  pretty  pieces  to  speak  at  this  cele 
bration,  but  when  Elder  White  went  in  they  all  met  him  joy 
fully  as  a  beloved  father  is  met  by  his  children,  and  they  be 
stowed  a  loving  greeting  on  Waitstill  too. 

These  young  men  and  women  wuz  ready  to  look  through 
the  magnifyin'  glass  of  love  at  any  lesson  Ernest  White 
should  set  before  them  to  fit  'em  for  life's  battle. 

The  meeting  that  night  wuz  a  sort  of  a  social,  where  the 
young  and  older  folks  met  to  get  better  acquainted  with  each 
other,  and  had  a  good  time  visitin'  back  and  forth  and  com- 
parin'  notes  and  bein'  introduced  to  Waitstill  and  the  new 
library.  One  attracted  just  about  as  much  attention  as  the 
other,  both  wuz  exceedingly  interestin'  to  'em  and  beloved. 

Elder  Cross  wuz  there,  he  sets  store  by  Ernest  White, 
though  he  is  so  different  from  him.  He  is  good  natered 
and  a  Christian,  I  believe,  though  Arvilly  said  he  would 
have  to  be  fixed  over  quite  a  good  deal  before  he  got  into 
the  Kingdom. 

And  I  sez,  "  Well,  we  all  shall,  Arvilly." 

"  Ernest  White  won't,"  sez  she,  "  all  they  will  have  to 
do  to  him  will  be  to  tack  on  a  pair  of  wings  and  pin  his 
crown  on.  He's  a  saint  on  earth  now,"  sez  she. 

Well,  Elder  Cross  come  up  to  Arvilly  and  welcomed  her 
home  and  said  a  few  words  about  Ernest  White's  overwhelm- 
in'  success,  which  he  considered  a  mericale,  and  he  couldn't 
understand  it. 

"  Well,  I  can  understand  it,",  sez  Arvilly,  "  I  have  always 
said  that  no  power  could  stand  before  the  Church  of  Christ 


460     AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

when  it  is  fully  awakened  to  the  enormity  of  the  sin  it  is 
encouraging  by  its  indifference  and  neglect,  and  bands  itself 
together  to  fight  against  it.  The  saloon  votes  solid,"  sez 
Arvilly,  "  they  are  faithful  to  their  cause,  they  are  fiery  hot 
with  zeal,  the  church  a  good  many  of  'em  are  lukewarm, 
some  like  the  Laodocians,  and  some  like  dish-water  ready  to 
be  emptied  down  into  the  drain.  America  is  ruled  by  her 
cities,  and  they  are  ruled  by  the  saloon  and  unrighteous  trusts 
and  political  bosses.  Foreigners  from  the  old  world  slums 
flaunt  the  banner  of  independence  in  the  face  of  American 
womanhood.  And  the  church  of  God  that  might  remedy 
the  evils  lets  'em  go  on." 

Sez  Elder  Cross,  "  I  know  well  that  the  saloon  is  a 
mighty  power  for  evil,  it  ruins  our  youth,  soul  and  body,  and 
I  know  that  Monopoly  is  the  thief  that  steals  the  rewards 
of  labor.  But  I  pray,  sister  Arvilly,  I  pray  without  ceasing 
that  the  Holy  Spirit  will  come  down,  and  smite  these  of 
fenders." 

Sez  Arvilly  the  dantless  one,  "  You  don't  depend  on 
prayer  alone  in  your  church  services,  in  taking  up  collec 
tions,  etc.,  or  in  worldly  affairs,"  (Elder  Cross  is  real  rich,  he 
keeps  a  hen  dairy). 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  If  you  should  depend  on  prayer  alone  to 
keep  your  big  shanghai  rooster  from  fightin'  the  little  bantys 
I  guess  you  would  be  apt  to  have  considerable  of  a  wake  in 
your  hen-yard.  And  you  don't  kneel  down  and  shet  your 
eyes  and  pray  for  your  young  turkeys  and  chickens  when  a 
pair  of  big  wicked  hawks  are  swoopin'  down  on  'em  or  a 
heavy  thunder-storm  comin'  on.  No,  you  drive  your  little 
onprotected  broods  into  the  first  shelter  you  can  find  and  go 
at  the  old  hawks  with  a  club.  Not  that  I  approve  of  fight- 
in',  "  sez  Arvilly,  "  but  there  is  a  time  to  pray  and  a  time  to 
use  a  horsewhip;  our  Lord,  who  was  and  is  our  divine  ex 
ample,  prayed  thy  kingdom  come,  and  then  helped  it  to 
come  by  driving  out  the  money-changers,  and  them  that  de 
filed  the  temple.  He  might  have  prayed  for  them  to  be  driv 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     461 

out  and  then  folded  his  hands  and  waited  for  the  millennium. 
But  He  didn't,  nor  He  didn't  say  that  human  nature  wuz  too 
hard  to  handle,  and  that  evil  things  had  got  to  be  changed 
gradual.  He  didn't  take  their  rich  gifts,  He  didn't  make  'em 
church  wardens,  nor  hang  their  pictures  up  in  college  halls 
to  stimulate  young  men  to  go  and  do  likewise.  And  that 
is  what  ministers  of  our  Lord  and  his  disciples  want  to  do  to 
day,  to  drive  out  of  the  temple  and  the  country  the  fat  thieves 
that  infest  it,  and  the  sanctified  rascals  wearin'  sheep's 
clothin'.  They  have  got  a  powerful  whip  in  a  consecrated 
ballot  that  will  drive  the  thieves  out  and  make  them  dis 
gorge  their  ill-gotten  gains." 

Elder  Cross  wuz  agitated ;  the  argument  wuz  driving  him 
into  a  corner  where  he  didn't  want  to  stand;  he  turned  the 
conversation : 

"  This  is  a  great  work  dear  brother  White  is  doing,  but 
some  criticise  the  idea  of  his  opening  the  house  of  God  every 
evening  for  amusements  as  well  as  prayer.  Some  don't  be 
lieve  in  mingling  secular  things  with  sacred." 

Sez  Arvilly,  "  What  is  more  sacred  to  the  Lord  than  a 
saved  soul,  a  lost  one  redeemed,  a  prodigal  brought  back. 
What  headway  is  one  church  opened  three  hours  a  week 
goin'  to  make  aginst  twenty  saloons  open  every  day  and 
night."  Arvilly  begun  to  be  powerful  agitated  and  I  spoke 
up  quick,  for  I  knew  how  hash  she  wuz  when  she  got  to 
goin',  and  I  didn't  want  this  beautiful  day  marred  by  hash- 
ness  even  if  it  wuz  deserved. 

Sez  I,  "  We  all  know  how  much  good  the  church  has  done 
in  the  past.  And  now  that  the  churches  are  beginning  to 
band  themselves  together,  and  vote  as  they  pray,  this  enor 
mous  force  of  righteousness  is  going  to  be  victorious  over 
sin  and  darkness,  and  the  Saloon  and  the  Canteen,  the 
licensed  houses  of  shame,  monument  of  woman's  degrada 
tion,  the  unjust  monopoly,  the  high  fence  separating  the  few 
enormously  rich  from  the  masses  of  the  suffering,  starving 
poor,  will  all  have  to  fall.  Christ  did  not  die  in  vain,"  sez 


462     AROVND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

I,  "  nor  the  blood  of  the  martyrs  has  not  been  in  vain.  The 
Lord  has  promised  and  he  will  fulfill." 

"  God  speed  that  day !  "  sez  Elder  Cross  shettin'  his  eyes 
and  claspin'  his  hands. 

"  Amen !  "  sez  I. 

•But  I  hearn  Arvilly  behind  me  mutter,  "  You'll  have  to 
open  your  old  eyes,  Elder,  and  go  to  work,  or  you  won't 
have  much  hand  in  it." 

But  I  guess  he  didn't  hear  her. 

Well,  goin'  home  that  night,  my  heart  sung  for  joy  a 
anthem,  more  than  a  ordinary  sam  tune.  The  bright  moon 
light  rested  on  the  democrat  and  my  pardner,  and  gilded  the 
way  in  front  of  us,  and  further  off  we  could  see  it  lay  on  the 
lake,  and  it  seemed  to  make  a  silver  path  on  it.  Life  seemed 
worth  livin',  the  cold  waves  of  death  seemed  lit  up  with  a 
/feavenly  glow,  the  hosts  of  evil  seemed  to  back  off  before 
the  Angel  of  Deliverance. 

I  don't  spoze  that  from  Maine  to  Florida,  or  from  Jones- 
ville  to  San  Francisco  there  wuz  a  happier  Thanksgivin'  party 
than  we  had.  Havin'  such  sights  and  sights  of  things  to  be 
thankful  for,  I  laid  out  as  I  say  to  begin  to  be  thankful  before 
candle  light  in  the  mornin'  and  keep  it  up  all  day  long  till 
bed  time,  and  so  I  did. 

It  wuz  a  lovely  day,  the  sun  shone  into  our  bedroom 
winder  through  the  beautiful  knit  fringe,  made  by  my  own 
hands,  and  rested  on  me  lovin'ly  as  I  combed  my  hair  in 
front  of  the  lookin'-glass.  There  had  been  a  fall  of  snow  the 
night  before,  as  if  nater  had  done  her  best  for  the  occasion 
and  spread  her  white  ermine  down  for  the  feet  of  the  angel, 
Thanksgivin'. 

Philury  got  breakfast  most  ready  by  candle  light,  and 
I'd  been  bein'  thankful  ever  since  she  put  the  tea  kettle  over. 

"  Josiah,"  sez  I,  "  do  you  realize  what  a  glorious  day  this 
is  and  how  much,  how  much  we  have  to  be  thankful  for?  " 

He  had  broke  one  of  his  shue  strings  and  wuz  bent  down 
breathin'  kinder  hard  and  tusslin'  with  it  and  his  answer 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE    463 

wuzn't  what  I  could  wished  it  wuz.  But  I  knowed  that  it 
wuz  because  the  blood  had  rushed  to  his  head.  He  got  it 
tied  up  in  a  few  minutes  and  eat  his  breakfast  with  a  splendid 
appetite.  Philury  had  good  tender  lamb  chops  and  balced 
potatoes  and  light  muffins  and  a  fragrant  cup  of  coffee,  and 
Josiah  recovered  his  usual  flow  of  sperits  before  we  got 
half  through.  And  we  read  together  a  chapter  out  of  The 
Book,  and  Josiah  made  a  prayer  full  of  thankfulness  that 
come  from  his  very  heart  for  the  blessings  of  home  and  love 
and  all  the  precious  gifts  the  Father  bestowed  on  us  durin' 
the  year. 

The  children  come  early  and  brought  some  lovely  presents 
to  us.  We  make  a  practice  of  givin'  presents  in  our  own  fam 
ily  Thanksgivin',  for  it  always  seemed  so  kinder  appropriate 
that  while  we  wuz  givin'  thanks  we  might  just  as  well  give  a 
few  more.  And  their  presents  to  us  wuz  just  what  we  wanted 
and  ourn  to  them  proved  to  be  just  what  they  wanted.  Of 
course  it  wuzn't  all  a  happen ;  we  had  throwed  out  hints  and 
perspected  round  as  well  as  we  could  before  we  selected  'em, 
kinder  throwed  out  the  line  of  wonder  and  surmises,  and 
ketched  opinions  and  wishes  on  it. 

At  ten  A.  M.  we  all  got  into  two  big  sleighs  and  went  to 
Jonesville  to  meetin'.  It  wuz  a  union  meetin'  and  Elder 
White  wuz  chose  to  preach  the  Thanksgivin'  sermon.  It 
wuz  a  beautiful  discourse,  it  come  from  the  depths  of  a  thank 
ful,  lovin'  Christian  heart  and  went  right  to  ourn. 

The  party  I  had  invited  went  home  with  us  from  the 
meetin'-house,  Philury  had  the  house  all  warm  and  it  wuzn't 
long  before  we  had  dinner  ready,  of  course  we  had  got 
everything  cooked  we  could  the  day  before. 

The  dinner,  though  of  course  I  ortn't  to  say  it,  but  they 
all  said,  and  of  course  it  must  be  so,  they  said  it  wuz  the  best 
Thanksgivin'  dinner  that  wuz  ever  cooked  in  this  world, 
and  Josiah  whispered  to  me  as  he  helped  himself  to  the  third 
helpin'  of  turkey  and  dressin',  that  he  knowed  that  there 


464    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

never  wuz  such  a  meal  cooked  in  Jupiter  or  Mars  or  any 
other  planet. 

But  I  whispered  back,  it  wuzn't  safe  to  say  such  things, 
sez  I.  "  Most  probably  they  have  many  and  lots  of  things 
we  don't  know  anything  about." 

"  Manny !  "  sez  he,  "  how  would  manny  show  off  by  the 
side  of  this  dressin'  ?  "  and  he  took  another  spunful. 

I  spoze  my  dressin'  duz  go  ahead  of  most,  though  it 
hain't  made  me  hauty.  Well,  how  happy  everybody  wuz; 
how  good  they  looked  to  me  and  I  to  them,  I  knew  it  by 
their  liniments.  How  the  children  doted  on  me  and  their  Pa, 
how  dear  little  Tommy  hung  round  us.  How  softened  down 
Arvilly  wuz  by  her  happiness  in  havin'  Waitstill  back  agin, 
but  still  she  kep'  her  faculties  from  rustin',  and  sold  two 
books  that  day  for  presents,  and  one  to  Elder  Minkley  for  a 
Sabbath  School  prize. 

How  adorable  Waitstill  looked  in  her  pretty  cashmere 
gown  of  pale  violet  color  with  white  roses  at  her  bosom  and 
belt,  she  had  throwed  off  her  black  as  a  reasonable  widder 
should,  I  never  approved  of  mournin'  for  one  man  whilst 
weddin'  another,  that  is  mournin'  in  public  in  crape  and 
weeds.  I  don't  believe  she  had  a  black  rag  on  her,  she  might 
you  know  if  she  had  been  sly  have  put  a  black  bindin'  on  her 
petticoat  or  a  black  pocket.  I  remember  the  Widder  Doodle 
did,  but  I  never  approved  of  it.  No,  mournin'  weeds  are 
right  in  their  place,  and  orange  blossoms  in  theirn,  but  I 
never  believed  in  mixin'  the  two. 

Down  deep  in  Waitstill's  heart,  hid  from  every  eye  but 
the  one  who  made  that  heart,  wuz  a  place  where  her  thought 
must  retire  into  now  and  then  and  weep.  Yes,  I  knowed 
that  whilst  her  loyal  love  and  respect  and  reverence  wuz  all 
given  to  the  man  she  loved,  who  wuz  strong,  her  thought 
would  anon  or  oftener  have  to  go  into  that  sombry  room 
and  weep  for  the  young  lover  who  wuz  weak,  but  whose 
weakness  would  never  have  blossomed  into  crime  had  not 
his  country  hung  the  Sodom  apple  before  his  eyes  and  his 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     465 

weak  appetite  yielded  to  it,  had  overthrown  the  labor  and 
efforts  of  years,  tempted  him  with  low  temptations  that  had 
been  stronger  than  love,  stronger  than  religion,  stronger 
than  life.  All  his  life  long  he  had  fought  against  inherited 
tastes  as  they  fought  with  wild  beasts  at  Ephesus,  and  he 
would  have  come  off  conqueror  had  it  not  been  for  licensed 
evils  and  the  weaknesses  in  high  and  low  places  that  per 
mitted  it  to  be. 

Yes,  into  that  closely  locked,  sombry  chamber  I  knowed 
that  Waitstill  would  go  alone  and  stay  there  for  quite  a 
spell.  But  after  a  time  I  mistrusted  the  sweet  peace  and  hap 
piness  of  her  life  would  be  such  that  she  would  go  seldomer 
and  make  shorter  visits  when  she  did  go.  And  its  black 
gloom  would  be  lighted  by  tones  of  living  love  and  gleams 
of  light  and  warmth  from  tender  eyes.  And  I  hoped  that 
the  time  would  come  when  dimpled  baby  fingers  would  gently 
bar  the  doorway  and  she  wouldn't  go  there  to  stay  for  any 
length  of  time. 

Well,  the  happy  company  stayed  till  nine  P.  M.,  when  they 
departed  with  many  pleasant  and  loving  words,  I  being 
thankful  every  minute  of  the  time,  even  when  I  see  'em  drive 
off.  You  know  sometimes  as  glad  as  you  are  to  have  com 
pany,  and  as  well  as  you  like  'em,  you  are  kinder  glad  to  set 
down  quiet,  and  think  over  all  the  happy  time,  and  rest  your 
head. 

Well,  the  next  day  after  Thanksgiving  early  in  the  after 
noon,  Josiah  said  he  had  got  to  go  over  to  Jonesville,  and 
proposed  that  I  should  ride  over  with  him.  He  said  the  mair 
kinder  needed  shuein',  and  sez  he,  "  We  might  bring  Tommy 
home  with  us,  for  there  wuzn't  any  school  Saturday,  and 
he  could  stay  over  Sunday  with  us." 

It  duz  seem  now  as  if  we  can't  help  settin'  a  little  more 
store  by  Tommy  than  we  do  by  the  other  grandchildren. 
But  it  better  not  be  told  I  said  it,  it  would  make  feelin's 
amongst  the  rest. 

Well,  we  made  lovely  calls  on  the  children,  and  get 


466    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOSIAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

Tommy,  who  wuz  more  than  willin'  to  come,  and  returned 
home  about  ten  A.  M.,  Tommy  settin'  between  us  and  drivin' 
the  mair,  Thomas  J.  and  Maggie  sayin'  they  would  drive 
over  Sunday  night  after  him  and  take  tea  with  us. 

We  stopped  at  the  post-office,  and  Tommy  run  in  and 
got  three  letters  for  me,  two  on  'em  which  I  opened  and 
read  when  I  first  got  home,  whilst  Josiah  and  Tommy  drove 
over  to  Deacon  Henzy's  on  a  errent.  As  I  say  I  read  two  on 
'em,  but  of  the  third  one  more  anon.  One  of  my  letters  wuz 
from  Cousin  John  Richard,  who  had  gone  back  to  Victor 
workin'  for  his  Lord  in  his  own  appointed  way,  teachin'  the 
young,  comfortin'  the  aged,  and  exhortin'  the  strong,  helpin' 
to  bear  the  burdens  of  the  weak,  and  doin'  it  all  in  the  name 
of  Him  who  is  invisible,  waitin'  patient  till  the  summons 
should  be  sent  him  to  go  home  to  his  own  land,  for  the  Bible 
sez  that  "  them  that  do  such  things  show  plainly  that  they 
seek  a  country." 

Fur  acrost  that  dark  continent  from  another  oasis  like 
Victor  beginnin'  to  be  illuminated  with  the  white  light  beam- 
in'  from  the  uplifted  cross,  come  a  message  to  me  from  an 
other  consecrated  missionary  and  child  of  Heaven,  Evangel- 
ine  Noble.  She  told  me  of  the  blessed  work  she  wuz  doin' 
in  Africa  and  how  happy  she  wuz  in  it,  for  her  Master  wuz 
with  her  tellin'  her  what  to  do  from  day  to  day,  and  she 
happy  in  carryin'  out  that  work  and  seein'  the  light  from 
heaven  stream  into  dark  minds  and  souls. 

How  much  store  I  set  by  her,  I  lay  out  to  send  her  a  bar 
rel  of  things  this  fall,  some  dried  apples,  canned  fruit,  good 
books,  a  piece  of  rag  carpet  and  a  crazy  quilt,  not  rarin' 
ravin'  crazy,  but  sort  o'  beautifully  delerious,  embroidered 
with  cat  stitch  round  every  block. 

And  the  other  letter  wuz  from  Miss  Meechim.  I  read 
Cousin  John  Richard's  and  Evangeline's,  but  I  put  hern  on 
the  mantletry  piece  and  thought  I  wouldn't  read  it  till  about 
a  hour  after  dinner,  mistrustin'  that  it  would  agitate  and 
work  me  up,  so  that  my  food  wouldn't  set  good. 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO 81  AH  ALLEYS  WIFE     467 

Dorothy's  marriage  to  Robert  Strong  had  took  place  a 
week  before,  but  not  a  word  had  I  heard  from  Miss  Meechim, 
and  I  didn't  know  what  effect  the  blow  had  had  on  her.  Jo- 
siah  and  I  had  been  warmly  invited  to  attend  the  weddin', 
but  not  feelin'  willin'  to  embark  on  another  tower  we  sent 
her  a  pretty  present  and  love,  lots  and  lots  of  love,  and  the 
earnest  best  wishes  of  our  hearts. 

They  wuz  married  in  Dorothy's  home  in  San  Francisco, 
and  went  immegiately  after  the  ceremony  to  their  new  home 
in  the  City  of  Justice  to  begin  their  life  work  there.  Dor 
othy  had  writ  me  all  the  particulars  of  their  marriage.  They 
didn't  want  any  show  and  display  she  said,  and  they  took 
the  money  they  would  have  had  to  spend  to  make  a  big  wed 
ding  with  a  crowd  of  guests,  elaborate  dressing,  rich  viands, 
music,  flowers,  etc.  They  took  this  money  and  gave  a  holi 
day  to  the  children  in  the  City  of  Justice,  a  beautiful  dinner, 
music  and  gifts  for  all. 

And  they  wuz  married  in  a  plain,  quiet  way  in  the  pres 
ence  of  a  few  relatives  and  close  friends,  she  dressed  in  a 
pretty  white  muslin  (and  lookin'  sweet  as  a  rose  I  knew, 
though,  of  course,  she  didn't  say  so).  And  after  a  simple 
lunch,  they  drove  out  to  their  new  home.  But  I  hearn,  and  it 
come  straight,  too,  that  the  children  of  the  City  of  Justice, 
just  worshippin'  Robert  Strong  as  they  did,  they  all  on  'em 
dressed  in  white,  their  pretty  heads  crowned  with  roses,  rilled 
baskets  with  the  sweetest  flowers  they  could  find  and  went 
out  to  meet  the  young  couple  beyend  the  gate.  And  as  they 
approached,  they  met  'em  with  rejoicing  songs  sung  in  their 
sweet  clear  voices  and  scattered  roses  and  sweet  posies  in 
their  path,  their  bright,  happy  eyes  and  smilin'  lips  givin'  'em 
just  as  sweet  a  greetin'. 

And  as  they  entered  into  the  city  at  sunset,  the  workmen 
met  'em  all  dressed  in  holiday  attire,  and  their  cheers  and 
blessings  followed  the  carriage  till  they  reached  their  own 
door,  which  wuz  banked  up  with  odorous  blossoms  as  high 
as  ever  a  snow  drift  blocked  up  the  houses  in  Jonesville,  and 


468    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JOS I AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

they  had  to  fairly  wade  through  the  sweet  posies  to  git  to 
their  door. 

So,  surrounded  and  blessed  with  love  and  rejoicings  ris 
ing  from  grateful  adoring  hearts,  Robert  and  Dorothy  Strong 
begun  their  married  life.  Love  and  Mercy  standin'  right  by 
their  sides  like  maids  of  honor,  and  Honesty  and  Justice  like 
usher  and  best  man,  usherin'  'em  into  a  useful  and  happy  life 
of  work  and  toil  sweetened  forever  with  gratitude  and  love. 
Lovin'  each  other  as  dearly  as  ever  a  man  and  woman  did, 
lovin'  their  Lord  supremely  and  showing  that  love  in  the  way 
He  bade  his  disciples  to  in  caring  for  and  blessing  human 
ity.  They  begun  that  day  a  power  of  helpful  inspiring  influ 
ences  that  would  bless  the  world,  go  through  life  with  'em 
and  wait  on  'em  clear  through  the  swellin'  flood  and  lead  'em 
up  onto  the  other  shore  from  their  City  of  Justice  and  love 
here,  to  that  sweet  continuing  City  of  Rest  and  Reward. 

I  felt  well  about  Robert  and  Dorothy — yes,  my  heart 
sung  for  Joy  carryin'  the  hull  four  parts,  base,  altore,  bear 
tone  and  sulfireno.  That  is  to  say,  the  different  faculties  of 
my  head  and  heart  all  jined  in  and  sung  together  in  hap 
piness  and  made  a  full  orkestry. 

You  know  when  you  hear  of  some  marriages  a  part  of 
you  is  pleased,  mebby  it  is  Common  Sense,  whilst  Romance 
and  Fancy  has  to  set  dumb  and  demute.  Or  mebby  Fancy 
sings  whilst  cold  Reason  is  spreadin'  a  wet  blanket  on  her 
part  of  the  band,  chillin'  the  notes  and  spilein'  the  instrument. 
But  here  Reason,  Romance,  Love  and  Common  Sense  all 
jined  m  together  and  sung  the  wedding  anthem  loud  and 
clear. 

But  Miss  Meechim,  I  felt  dubersome  about  her ;  Dorothy 
didn't  mention  her  in  her  letter,  bein'  so  took  up  with  Robert 
and  Love,  so  I  spozed.  I  knowed  well  how  repugnant  matri 
mony  wuz  to  her  and  how  sternly  resolved  she  wuz  that  Dor 
othy  should  go  through  life  a  bachelor  maid. 

I  hated  to  read  Miss  Meechim's  letter,  I  dreaded  it  like  a 
dog.  How  did  I  know  but  her  great  disappointment  and 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO8IAH  ALLEN'S  WIFE     469 

crushin'  grief  to  see  her  hull  life  work  smashed  and  demol 
ished,  had  smit  her  down,  and  she  had  passed  away  writin' 
my  name  on  a  envelope  with  her  last  flicker  of  life  and  some 
stranger  pen  had  writ  me  of  the  tragedy. 

I  put  the  letter  up  on  the  mantletry  piece  and  thought  I 
wouldn't  read  it  till  about  a  hour  after  dinner. 

And  whilst  I  wuz  gittin'  dinner  and  eatin'  it  and  went 
about  doin'  up  my  work  afterwards,  I  eyed  that  letter  some 
as  a  cat  eyes  a  dog  kennel  and  hung  off  from  readin'  it.  But 
wantin'  to  git  the  hard  job  over  before  night  sot  in,  about 
the  middle  of  the  afternoon  I  read  a  few  verses  of  Foxe's 
Book  of  Martyrs,  put  two  cushions  in  the  rockin'  chair,  took 
a  swaller  of  spignut  and  thorough-o'-wort  to  kinder  hold  up 
my  strength,  and  a  few  whiffs  of  camfire,  and  then  I  put  on 
my  near-to  specs,  opened  the  letter  with  a  deep  sithe  and  be 
gun  to  read.  But  good  land !  I  needn't  have  foreboded  so ;  I 
might  have  knowed  that  though  her  hatred  of  matrimony 
wuz  great,  her  egotism  and  self  esteem  wuz  bigger  yet. 

The  letter  stated  in  glowin'  terms  her  gratefulness  to  her 
Creator  to  think  she  had  a  nephew  so  bound  up  in  her  inter 
est  and  welfare.  She  said  that  she  had  mentioned  one  day, 
durin'  a  severe  attack  of  bilerous  colic  her  fears  and  fore- 
bodin's  about  Dorothy's  future  if  she  should  succumb  to  the 
colic  and  leave  her  alone.  She  said  that  it  wuzn't  a  week  after 
this  that  her  nephew  and  Dorothy  had  confided  to  her  the 
fact  of  their  engagement. 

Sez  she,  "  Not  one  word  to  Dorothy  have  I  mentioned  or 
ever  shall  mention  as  to  Robert's  reasons  for  sacrificin'  him 
self  to  ease  my  mind,  and  make  me  more  care  free.  I  wouldn't 
for  the  world,"  sez  she,  "  have  Dorothy  suspect  why  Robert 
has  made  a  martyr  of  himself,  and  to  no  one  but  you,  Josiah 
Allen's  wife,"  sez  she,  "  shall  I  ever  breathe  it."  But  she  felt 
that  she  could  confide  in  me,  and  wanted  me  to  know  just 
how  it  wuz. 

So  her  colossial  self  esteem  carried  her  through  safely,  and 


470    AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  SI  AH  ALLEN'S  WIFE 

she  wuz  as  happy  as  any  on  'em.  She  wuz  goin'  to  live  in  a 
little  house  Robert  had  bought  for  her  in  San  Francisco. 
Martha,  the  steady  English  maid,  wuz  goin'  to  live  with  her, 
as  she  had  proved  faithful.  And  she  added  a  few  heart  break- 
in'  words  of  grief  and  mournfulness  about  our  dear  lost 
Aronette. 

And  she  gin  me  to  understand  that  sence  Aronette's  dret- 
ful  death  in  New  York  she  had  gradually  changed  her  mind 
about  drinking. 

I  believe  Arvilly's  talk  helped  convince  her,  though  Miss 
Meechim  would  never  own  it  to  her  dyin'  day,  and  I  d'no  as 
Arvilly  would  want  her  to,  they  just  naterally  abominate  each 
other. 

But  'tennyrate  she  said  she  felt  that  nothing  that  could 
lead  on  to  that  awful  termination  and  terrible  tragedy,  could 
be  called  genteel.  And  she  said  she  had  had  a  argument  with 
Rev.  Mr.  Weakdew,  in  which  they  had  both  got  genteelly 
angry  (tearin'  mad  I  should  call  it  from  what  she  told  me  of 
their  interview).  But  I  will  pass  over  particulars  which  filled 
eight  pages  of  large  note  paper,  the  upshot  bein'  that  she  had 
left  his  church  for  good  and  all,  and  jined  a  Temperance  mis 
sion  church  down  in  the  city.  And  she  wuz  now  writin'  tracts 
to  prove  that  intemperance  wuz  the  beast  with  seven  horns 
mentioned  in  Scripture. 

Good  land !  it  has  got  more  than  seven  horns,  I  believe, 
and  all  of  'em  dagger  sharp  and  wet  with  tears  and  heart's 
blood. 

She  expected,  she  said,  that  these  tracts  would  make  a 
end  to  the  liquor  power  and  the  social  evil,  and  temperance 
would  rain  in  the  world  some  time  durin'  the  comin'  fall. 

But  they  won't.  These  evils  are  sot  too  firm  on  American 
soil,  it  will  take  a  greater  power  than  Miss  Meechim's  tracts 
to  upheave  'em.  But  I  am  glad  she  is  sot  that  way,  for  every 
little  helps,  and  the  breath  of  Miss  Meechim's  converted  soul 
is  blowin'  the  right  way  and  when  the  hull  Christian  world 


AROUND  THE  WORLD  WITH  JO  81  AS  ALLEN'S  WIFS    471 

shall  be  converted,  the  united  influence  will  move  along  a 
mighty  overwhelmin'  power  that  will  sweep  these  ungodly 
evils  from  the  face  of  the  earth.  Then  will  come  the  golden 
days  of  peace,  righteousness,  the  reign  of  the  Lord  Jesus, 
for  which  we  pray  every  day  when  we  say  "  Thy  kingdom 
come,  Thy  will  be  done  on  earth  as  it  is  in  Heaven." 


Forrr 


from  which  it  was  borrowed: 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A  A      000023845    1 


MTJ 


-no 


